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Space Duck Shore to Shore

By Colin Feder

        Dizak walks across the dark studio, suddenly an alarm sounds and a bright light shines on Dizak.

Maxtor: HALT!!
Dizak: AAH!
Maxtor: Who goes there?
Dizak: Is I, Dizak.
Maxtor (turns off alarm): Oh, sorry man

(Editor's note: Subtitles corresponding with what is actually being said will appear in these nifty little things...[])

Dizak: Maxtor...look, I purple with mad. [Maxtor...I love you!]
Maxtor (watching "Potato Chips" on the monitor) Wha? [I love you too, Dizak.]
Dizak: I said, did mail order come yet? [Let's get hitched!]
Maxtor: Yup. [Dad would never allow it.]
Dizak: What you get? [But we in love...why not?]
Maxtor: Shampoo. [You know why.]
Dizak: Hmm...what kind? [Is cuz me devil.]
Maxtor (holds up bottle): Lava [Dad says...] It's got juandice! [...devils are bad people.]
Dizak: Yeah. [I no play fiddle.]
Maxtor: That your new book? [I know, Dear, that's why I love you so.]
Dizak: What? [What?.]
Maxtor: I said, is that your new book? [I said, I love you so.]
Dizak: SHUT UP! I'm reading my new book! [Woe is me, for we no marry.]
Maxtor: Sorry [I'm so ashamed.]
Dizak: Wha? [No be.]
Maxtor: I said, you can't read. [Let us elope tonight.]
Dizak: Yeah? Yeah! [Yes!] Where's the Duck? [You do that for me?]
Maxtor: In the back with his new Sea Monkey Kit. [No! Are you crazy?!? I would never marry a devil! You are a filthy beast! GET LOST!]

In the labaroatory area, a sign outside a room reads "DO NOT ENTER/TOP SECRET EXPERIMENT IN PROGRESS/THIS MEANS YOU BUCK-O!!" Space Duck is in the room reading the directions to his Sea Monkeys."

Space Duck: "Now you've created the perfect home environment for your sea monkeys. Open the pouch labelled "SEA MONKEYS IN HERE GENIUS" and pour into the bowl. In just seconds, your sea monkeys will come to life!"

Dizak (on control room monitor): Lombak oreo plak plop zank ee-aa (his eyes flash and spiral whenever he says this.)
Maxtor: What is that?
Dizak: Is spell from new book, "The Joys of Spell Casting." Lombak oreo plak plop zonk ee-aa.
Maxtor: What does it do?
Dizak: It give me power over Space Duck mind.  Lombak oreo plak plop zonk ee-aa.
Maxtor: Doesn't do much, huh?
Dizak: He no have much brain. Lombak oreo plak plop zonk ee-aa.
Space Duck (still in lab): "Soon you will be able to observe your Sea Monkeys as they make families, have dinner, purchase fine German luxury cars, and perform other daily life activities all within the domain of the small bowl you decided to put them in..." Wow!
Maxtor (in control room): Time to get Space Duck. I think I'll use my NASA voice. "Ten seconds to air...return to set...T-minus 10 seconds and counting...10...9...3...6...15..."
Space Duck: I have to go now, my Sea Monkeys. Here, have some of my special Super Vitamins. (plop, plop)(fizz, fizz) (Space Duck invisos onto the set) Greetings! I'm Space Duck! Joining me on the show tonite, Rapper Stolly P and funny man "Strange Mel" Franklin. Say "Hi! How ya doin'?" to the band! They're over there, somewhere (he points at Dizak, Dizak's eyes are still spinning with evil hypnosis). Dizak...what's wrong with your eyes?
Dizak: Lombak oreo plak plop zonk ee-aa.
Space Duck: Oh... I get it! No no no, you are doing it all wrong! If you want to control my mind, your eyes have to spin _counter_-clockwise. (he says a short incantation, Dizak's eyes spin counter-clockwise).
Dizak: Oh! (calypso music in the backround) Lombak oreo plak plop zonk ee-aa.
Space Duck (invisos to desk): Alrighty! My first guest tonight is Stolly P! (monitor lowers)
Stooly P: I kinda know that!
Space Duck: Hi Stolly! How ya doin?
Stooly P: What up, S? I'm coo, I'm coo. How you hangin?
Space Duck: Oh, wonderful! Hey...where'd you get that baseball cap, boy?
Stooly P: Um...I got it from the planet Curf.
Space Duck: You don't say! Citizen Stooly...
Stooly P (reads with great difficulty): Original-gangsta-in-da-hooouse...
Dizak: ... ee-aa
Space Duck: (makes a gibbering sound, his eyes glow. He falls under Dizak's power)
Dizak: Say something real dumb!
Space Duck: You wanna watch me sunbathe wearing slugs on my eyes?
Stooly P: No.
Space Duck: I mean, tell me about your pants
Stooly P: (laughs) These are called Baggy Jeans, you buy them 5 sizes too big so that they'll hang over your butt.
Space Duck: Yeah, I saw a lawn gnome once...it didn't scare me one bit!
Stooly P: Yeah.
Space Duck: Stooly... Stooly...
Stooly P: Yeah, man?
Space Duck: Would you be at all interested in romping in a leafy glade?
Stooly P: well...as tempting as that sounds...I couldn't...
Space Duck: (bursts out laughing for no reason at all) My devil is dashing in a tux! Will you pass me one of those wall decorations? My, don't they look lovely? (makes gibbering noises again)
Stooly P: (laughs)
Dizak: Lombak oreo plak plop zonk ee-aa...NO!!! (Space duck blasts Dizak with a ray)
Space Duck: Is it me, or does it smell like chicken in here?
Dizak: Eh...ew...
Space Duck: Do you have any super powers?
Stooly P: You bet I do! I have to have super powers...because I'm STOOLY P!!!
Space Duck: Well...show them.
Stooly P: No can do...
Space Duck: Why?
Stooly P: I'm not allowed to.
Space Duck: So...you don't have any super powers...
Stooly P: Yup.
Space Duck: So the P stands for Pitiful...
Stooly P: Nooo...
Space Duck: So what does the P stand for, Mr. Rapper?
Stooly P: It means Popplefanger.
Space Duck: Or...it might be something edible, like...Popcorn!
Stooly P: P is for Persuasive...and Persistent.
Space Duck: Sing something persuasive, you know, with commands and stuff.
Stooly P: Every time I sing in commands I lose some of my powers.
Space Duck: What powers? You don't have any powers! You need me in your posy.
Dizak: Posse!
Space Duck: Like I said, posse!
Stooly P: Um...I can't do that.
Space Duck: Well...then give me a rap name!
Stooly P: Uh...how about DJ Ducky Duck??
Space Duck: Fly!
Stooly P: (buzzing sound) Yeah, well, you know...
Space Duck: (SMACK!) (squashes fly on his desk) Dead Fly!
Stooly P: Yup.
Space Duck: (my sea monkeys!) Uh...just a minute Stooly... (flies off to the lab)
Stooly P: Alright...It's coo...
Space Duck: (in lag) Sea monkeys? Sea Monkeys? Wait...there's one, yes!! It's moving (newborn baby spounds) Hello little one. I shall name you Ukulele. You are mighty small, little Ukulele, and your flippers are tired...but one day...you will become...(reverb effect) UKULELE...KING OF THE SEA MONKEYS!!
Maxtor: (in control room) Stooly.
Stooly P: Yeah,
Maxtor: Space Duck is tending his brine shrimp...can you wait?
Stooly P: No. That don't get it! I'm sorry...no.
Maxtor: Well...then can we break your legs?
Dizak: Break 'em! BREAK 'EM!!
Stooly P: (laughs) Crazy man...
Maxtor: It'll only hurt once...
Space Duck: (Flies back to desk) Ohhhhkay! Stooly...you're the man!
Stooly P: No, you da man!
Space Duck: No, you're the man!
Stooly P: You da man!
Space Duck: You're the man...
Stooly P: You da man!
Space Duck: You are the man.
Dizak: I the man!
Space Duck: No, you're the devil! Stooly's the man!
Stooly P: No, you're the man! You're Space Duck!
Space Duck: You're the man Stooly! LIVE WITH IT!!!!
Stooly P: Okay...
Space Duck: We're out of time...leave us with some words to live by.
Stooly P: (violin music in BG) No matter how hard it seems...um...you just have to keep going and you gotta keep    trying...because ...um... as soon as you give up...the game is over.
        (music ends)
Space Duck: (stares)
Dizak: (Stares)
Maxtor: (Stares)
Stooly P: What are y'all lookin at?
Maxtor: Your hat...
Stooly P: You're lookin at me like I was crazy.
Dizak: You're hat on backward.
Space Duck: Sure is.


Dizak: We be back...


Dizak: Ready or not, here we come!!
Space Duck: (in lab) Okay... I'm all alone... Ukulele? Oh Ukulele! My how you've grown! (singing Flipper) I'm Ukulele! Ukulele! Faster that lightning! (CRUNCH!) Ow! You could have taken my wing off...Bad Ukulele! I'm not cleaning that up! (Invisos back to desk!) My next guest is "Strange Mel" Franklin!
Mel: Hi, people of the tooniverse! Hi!!! Look at me!! I'm on TV!! Whoooooo! Whoooooo! (laughs)
Space Duck: (imitates) Whoooooo! Whooooo!
Mel: Ahh! Ahhhaa!!
Space Duck: Whooooooo! Welcome to the show, Strange Mel! Whoooooo!
Mel: thank you! I...I...uh...I can't tell you what a thrill it is to actually be doing your talk show... I...
Space Duck: Sure you could!
Mel: Well, I could tell you, but then I'm ordered by law to kill you.
Dizak: Tell him! Tell him!!!!
Mel: Hey Dizak, you....
Dizak: Shut up!
Space Duck: Oooooh.
Mel: (frustrated) I don't know how to.
Space Duck: Hey, Mel, tell us about your new album!
Mel: Oh please, Space Duck, er, I... I came on your show because I'm a, I'm a really big fan. Not to plug my latest album, (whispered) Which is called Bad Hare Life and features songs such as "Toonster's Paradise," "I Remember Daffy," "I've Become Really Disgusted By Your Presence" and "The Night Santa Toon Went Crazy."
Space Duck: Okay...next question! Got any super powers?
Mel: Well...uh...I can eat my own weight in HoHos. I can even turn Red Traffic Lights Green just by looking at them, and I've survived being in a car with Babs Bunny.
Space Duck: Well...that's enough to get you onto this show.
Mel: Well...times are hard...I guess.
Space Duck: So, what did you think of Stooly?
Mel: Oh man, he's a party animal! He...he...he's a nut! He's completely out of control! It's like he's a party in a can! He's a         wacky, kooky, zany funster.
Space Duck: Dizak is zany. Ain't he.
Mel: Sure...um... Hey, Dizak...You're an Evil Hairball!
Dizak: Devil!
Mel: My powers are waaaaay beyond your comprehension.
Dizak: (eyes spinning) Hit a C sharp.
Mel: Baaaaaaaaa. (hit's a really high C sharp)
Space Duck: (joins in, just ever so slighty off key, but persistently trying) Baaaaaaaaaa! um... Aaaaaaaaaa! AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Dizak: Now, contort your body!
Mel: Sure! (he contorts his body)
Space Duck: Baaaaaa... woah...that's gotta hurt...
Mel: Yeah...it's painful...but it also feels rather comforting at the same time.
Space Duck: You mean like when your enemy is shaving your head and...
Maxtor: (shivering) Oh-h-h-h-h-h!
Mel: (still contorted) Can you help me here, Space Duck?
Space Duck: Wha?
Mel: Can you help me?
Space Duck: Uh...yeah, sure. (says spell again, Mel un-contorts) You know, that reminds me of a story... a story of a little pellet who, with a little grit and a lot of sheer will...he became a Sea Monkey!
Mel: He also shot a man in Tahoe, just to watch him die!
Space Duck: (laughs) And you know, Mel, that little Sea Monkey is name Ukulele.
Dizak: Here, Ukulele! (Ukulele appears on the set, he is monsterous in size!)
Space Duck: Ukulele!
Dizak: Here, Shrimp...
Space Duck: Aren't you plucky?
Plucky somehow jumps onto scene: No! I'm Plucky
Space Duck: Um...okay, well...Ukulele, you little demon! Finding your way to the set...what a little devil.(Ukulele shoots a ray out of his mouth at Dizak)
Dizak: Uh oh... (he's blasted)
Space Duck: Jumpin' Juicy Fruit!
Maxtor: Man...that's one big shrimp!
Mel: Well...gotta go now! (waves, ducks out of his chair and leaves hurridly)
Space Duck: No! Ukulele! Why are you doing this?? I gave you life!!
Dizak: No!! (gets blasted again by Ukulele)
Space Duck: What have I unleashed!?!? (in a low voice) That's it boy...come get som... (fires a destructo-ray and Ukulele is blown up. The smoke clears, Space duck lands on the floor; a piece of Ukulele falls nearby) Why do we always hurt the ons we love? Why Ukulele? Why?!?! WHHHY?? UKULELE! UKULELE!!  UKULELEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Black screen with the following words appears:

September 6, 1998
10:06 pm - 10:21 pm

(voices during closing credits of show)
Floor Director: Okay...that's a wrap! Break it down boys...and will somebody PLEASE get a hose?
Space Duck: Don't you dare!
Maxtor: Space Duck...
Space Duck: WHAT?
Maxtor: You gonna eat that?
Space Duck: (sullen) That's a sick joke...even for you Maxtor. I thought you were my friend. I have to get out of here. (flys off)
Maxtor: (Crunch!) Mmmmmm....Barbequed shrimp!

-The End-

Special Thanks (as always) to Kevin Mickel for the providing the final corrections and little spurts of information.

The original Space ghost Script (Banjo) was taken from the same site as the script for "Love Sick" (if my mind serves me correctly)


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