Space Duck Shore to Shore
by Colin Feder
Scene Opens in the Commissary of the Duck Planet Studios. Dizak, Maxtor,
and Space Duck sit around a table drinking coffee...
Dizak: (takes a big slurp of his coffee) Mmmm!
Space Duck: (head in hands) My...my girlfriend and I...we broke up last
Dizak: Really...what her number?
Space Duck: Shirl Nesbitt...my one true love! While I was out saving the
universe and talking to Gilligan, Shirl Nesbitt was busy finding some other
Dizak: I saw him!
Space Duck: Who?
Dizak: The new guy.
Space Duck: No you didn't!!
Dizak: Well...he quite handsome, not like you. He a psychiatrist and a
union plumber, but he's sensitive. He also very good kisser!
Space Duck: Ohhhhh!!
Dizak: Oh, Space Duck...I forgot to tell you something...
Space Duck: Oh...really...you did? What?
Dizak: Shirl Nesbitt called
Space Duck: Shirl Nesbitt called? When? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME???
Dizak: You were in the can.
Space Duck: Ah...my beautiful Shirl Nesbitt...she called! for me!! (he
Dizak: Yup...she called to say that you still broke up.
Space Duck: Doh!!!
Dizak: Like you guys are such real prizes.
Maxtor: Well...I am fairly evil, but I've been happily married to my
beautiful wife, Wanda for over 12 days now.
Space Duck: Grrrrr...
Maxtor: What did I say?
Space Duck fires the destructo ray at Maxtor
Dizak: Hey, Space Duck!
Space Duck: He was getting on my nerves...
Dizak: That first time you blow him up.
Space Duck: I'm not doing tonight's show.
Dizak: Red Head is on tonight...
Space Duck: Red Head? NOOOOOOO!!! I can't handle Red Head tonight.
Scene -- The Space Duck Shore to Shore Studio
Space Duck invisos onto the set and begins his opening dialouge, sounding dejected.
Space Duck: Hi...I'm space Duck...On tonight's show...we have
comedienne Red Head...and comedienne Red Head. now, play me to the desk, Dizak, I guess...
(Dizak play him to the desk) Please welcome...Red Head.
A screen lowers with Red Head.
Red Head: Ooooooh! Am I on television? (she starts to sing a little
ditty and lay with her hair) Hewwo.
Space Duck: Hi.
Red Head: (looks to both sides and starts humming "Jetsons"
theme song) Here comes Steven....Jane his wife. (She starts playing with her hair and
growls). I'm having sooooo much fun!
Space Duck: Please, keep it down.
Red Head: (plays with her hair more): Can you do this Space Duck? C'mon,
Space Duck: No.
Red Head: Come on....your a big sugar powered man!
Space Duck: Okay...let's just get this thing over with.
Red Head: No one is watching? What time is this thing on?
Space Duck: Night time.
Red Head: Yeah...but is there a certain...
Space Duck: Night time
Red Head: Does space have the same time zones?
Space Duck: Night time...
Red Head: Uh-huh...Kewl! I just loooove your show! It was soooooooo
Space Duck: Uh-huh
Red Head: I love this show! You are the king! The Late Night King!
Space Duck: That's great.
Red Head: (laughing) I like you Space Duck...will you be my pet?
Space Duck: Oh...loser.
Red Head: Ow! Space Duck, be nice to me.
Space Duck: Sure, sure, sure...
Red Head: Greetings, Red Head!
Space Duck: Okay...greetings red head.
Red Head: Welcome...
Space Duck: ...to the show
Red Head: Yeah Space Duck! It's good to be here...
Space Duck: Uh...so...
Red Head: Why do they call me Red Head?
Space Duck: Sure.
Red Head: Cuz all the good names were taken.
Space Duck: Like "loser"?
Red Head: Kootie
Space Duck: Kootie?
Red Head: I want to be Kootie. Kootie! Say it...it's fun...Kootie!
Space Duck: Um...Kootie.
Red Head: Kootie! Isn't that fuuuun?
Red Head: Wadies and Gentlemen...Kootie!
Space Duck: (invisos out) I can not do this.
Red Head: Everyone should be Kootie
Red Head: I wish I was Kootie! Maybe I will be Kootie...mayb I'll change
name to Kootie.
Dizak: Hey, Look! It's Shirl Nesbitt!
Space Duck: (invisos back in) Shirl Nesbitt? Where's Shril Nesbitt?
WHERE'S SHIRL NESBITT???
Dizak: Oh...I meant Shayna! Did I say "Shirl Nesbitt"? (laughs)
Sorry...There's Shayna. (Shayna plays guitar)
Space Duck: Anything else, Red?
Red Head: What am I workin' on these daze?
Space Duck: Okay...what are you working on these days?
Red Head: Ooh...well...I've got my own TeeVee show!'
Space Duck: TV show...how exciting.
Red Head: Did you ever take a whole big bottle of ink and drink it all
the way down?
Space Duck: Um...no.
Dizak: Shirl Nesbitt does before she kisses the new guy.
Space Duck: (motions as if he's going to zap Dizak with his destructo
ray, then stops)
Dizak: (laughs meniacally)
Space Duck: Just forget it...WHAT'S THE USE?
RH: Where has the interview gone?
Maxtor: (from control room) The toilet, as usual. (He throws a lever and
FLiPs car crash scene shows) Sweet, beutiful, FLiPs.
Red Head: Can we start over?
Space Duck: That's what I asked her. I said..."Give me another
chance...I CAN DO IT! I just need one more chance."
Red Head: Uh...did we miss a qweston?
Space Duck: You tell me, Sparky.
Red Head: Uh...no.
Space Duck: No then.
Red Head: What? Have you been drinking Space Duck?
Space Duck: Yes, Red, Ive been drinking from the eternal well of sadness.
Red Head: Really?
Space Duck: The eternal, bottomless pit of blackest despondency.
Red Head: Can we just move on?
Space Duck: I don't know, Red. I don't know if I'll ver be able to
"more on" It might take a week, a month, a year...or longer. She told me she
needs her space... "That's me...I'm Space! Space Duck!" It's very dark, and very
Space is very dark and cold.
Red Head: They film "Duck Trek" there...I used to live there.
Space Duck: coooooooold... cooooooooooooooold
Red Head: It's very dark, very cold...
Space Duck: It's... very.... dark... and... very... cold...
Red Head: Oh...okay.
Space Duck: Red, I think it's time for you to go.
Red Head: That's what I'm gonna do! I'm going to start wearing tights!
Space Duck: Tights...uh huh.
Red Head: Can you picture me in tights? Just for one second...try it.
Space Duck: Okay...time to go....Uh, thank you for having me on.
Red Head: Hey...way to go! Great to be here!
Space Duck: I'm welcome.
Red Head: (makes a power band gesture) How do you do that? (she gestures
Space Duck: Try this (makes gesture over and over again)
Dizak: Hold on...wait a sec...wait...wait...hold on...hold on...hoooold
Space Duck: (zaps Dizak with Destructo ray)
Red Head: I like Dizak...chill out!
Dizak: Yeah! Chill out!
Space Duck: Whatever...go play with Maxtor.
Red Head: (coughs)
Space Duck: (zaps Red Head off the monitor)
Maxtor: (in control room watching "FLiPs car crash scene) YES! YES!
(Red Head appears on the monitor) Hey...what gives? I'm trying to watch "FLiPs"!
Get out of here, you freak!
Space Duck: Anyone call for me during the break?
The Screen Lowers with Star Girl the rabbit.
Space Duck: Please welcome...my next guest.
Star Girl: (Silence)
Space Duck: Hi...how are you today?
Star Girl: (Silence)
Space Duck: Are you comfortable?
Star Girl: (Silence)
Red Head: (in control room) "EEK! Mommy! There's a frightening man
on the TeeVee!!!" There's one of these scenes where they cut to him, and he's going,
(makes a face), they cut to me and I'm going, (makes a face) I cut to him and he going
(Makes a face), he cuts to me and I'm going...
Maxtor: Will you shut up? I'm trying to watch "FLiPs"
Red Head: Ooh! I just love "FLiPs" My favorite episode of
"FLiPs" is when they're chasin' down that road...and they have that big car
crash, when that car went fah-woosh!, off the side of a big truck!"
Maxtor: Yeah...I saw that one. I like the one where...
Red Head: And they always had, like, that episode where they fight with
Maxtor: And when Gief Larrett was in the limo, sleeping and his car
crashed...but he was okay...and then everyone got free tickets to his concert.
Red Head: ....someone said "LOOK OUT!", all the cars are flying
all over...like this, remember?
Maxtor: (throws the switch back to "FLiPs") whoa!
Space Duck: (in studio) So...I said "How much time do you
want?" And she said, "Oh...so nooooow you have time for me?"
Star Girl: (Silence)
Space Duck: So...it's like...I mean...how am I supposed to answer that
question (scoots chair closer to monitor). Look... I mean, it is my fault...and it
isn't...Y'know...Sure, I had my chance to say some things...tell her how pretty her hair
smelled, pinch her cheek, things like that. Take her to the mall...But you know, work and
Star Girl: (Silence)
Space Duck: There's a lot of crime out there...and I'm just one
The mall will always be there...She knows that!!! Oh, well, what are you going to do?
Dizak: Hey...Space Duck!
Space Duck: Too young for me anyway...
Dizak: SPACE DUCK!! You are talking to a rabbit. She can't talk...Don't
you know any...
Star Girl: Hey...listen mack! I've had about all I can take from you!!!
Dizak: (stares in shock, his eyes bug out)
Star Girl: I don't need this! I'm a rabbit! I've got things to do!
Hey...can't you hear me through that hood? I guess not...there are no earholes! Who ever
heard of a 20 minute talkshow anyway?
Come on, man! You lost the teens, those were the whole appeal of the show! Stan and Stace,
they were it! The
orangutang...he was it! you...NOTHING! you bring in this devil, and that money grubbing
spoiled rich brat! A RICH BRAT! And those terrible guests!
Come on! Get some real celebrities! Bart Renolds! Other super-heroes have secret
identities! Not you! We know your name's Sam, nobody knows what your face looks like!
Batduck? Spruce Vayne... SuperBun? Rabbit Kent! Aquamutt...who cares? Really...and this
set? The planet's turning, it ain't turning. And what's with the cape? I mean, it serves
no purpose! What, are capes gonna look good in space? The capes' gonna look...terrible in
There...okay? I said it! What, do you need a cape to host a talk show? I mean really...
And that devil...What's with that vest? It's Green, It's Yellow, It's purple...who can
tell? Who cares? Nobondy cares! I mean, give us all a break! You think it's cool to have
no pupils! Just so you can look like Batduck or something'! No wonder Shirl Nesbitt left
Special Thanks to Kevin Mickel for reading over and telling me what's wrong
(gramatically) with the story.
If you couldn't figure it out...here's the cast of characters:
Space Duck(Space Ghost): Plucky
Red Head(Carrot Top): Elmyra
Star Girl(Star Lady): Babs
Original Space Ghost Script obtained from Drew's Script-o-rama, address:
The actual Space Ghost episode was entitled "Lovesick" It was episode 21,
also called "The One With Carrot Top"
Watch for another Space Duck story heading your way real soon!