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Fan Fics


Written by: Brainatra
[Open on New York City’s ACME Labs at night, in the year 1979...we fade into the lab's interior, and pan over to our favorite laboratory mice. Brain is busy pondering over blueprints, while Pinky and Billie are disco dancing to music playing on a record player...]

RECORD SINGERS: Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' in "drive", stayin' in "drive",
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' in *driiiiiiiiiiiiiii-i-i-ive*...
I'm goin' no-where,
Call triple-A, please...doo-doo-doo...
Stayin' in *driiiiiiive*...

[The record ends...Pinky and Billie walk over to a stack of other records, and flip through them, giggling and panting...]

PINKY: Hahaha! That was *fun*, Billie!

BILLIE: Yeah...whaddya want to listen to next?

PINKY: Oooh, here's a good one! [Whips out a 45 record] "Y.W.C. A.", by the Township Folks!

BILLIE: Nah...

PINKY: Um...[Whips out another 45 record] "Everybody Was Tai Chi Fighting"?

BILLIE: Uh-uh...

PINKY: Hmm...[Flips through the records] Washington Airplane? R.E.M. Stationwagon? Terra, Breeze, and Flame? [Billie shakes her head no to all the offered selections] Uh...[Glances at a clock] Ooooh, ooh, Billie---the big hand's on the twelve! It's time!

BILLIE: Really? C'mon! [Brain raises an eyebrow, and watches the two mice run over to the TV set, and turn it on...an image of an Afro-wearing man wearing a typically tacky 70's-looking suit is seen...]

MAN: Hello, there, music fans, and welcome to another edition of...

ANNOUNCER: [Drawn out] The *Sooouuuuuul* Plaaaaaane!

[An animated graphic of an airplane with graffiti on it flies across the screen, superimposed over the title of the show and various dancers...]

MAN: Hello again, and welcome to the "Soul Plane"! I'm your host, Dan Borednelius, and welcome to the hottest dance music program in the country! Today, our special guests will include Terra, Breeze, and Flame, and the musical stylings of *BAAB*! Now, let's kick it off with the latest tune sweeping the nation, "Jive Chattin'", by the Jee Bees!

["Jive Chattin'" starts up, as the polyester-clad dancers on TV begin dancing to the music...Pinky and Billie begin doing so, as well. Brain walks over to the TV set, and turns down the volume.]


PINKY: [Stops dancing] Aw, what's the matter, Brain? You wanted them to play something else?

BRAIN: Something with *taste* perhaps...now put your mindless rhythmic gyrations on hold, and listen, as I explain my latest plan for world domination!

[Brain and the other two mice walk over to a set of blueprints he's drawn out...]

BRAIN: Tonight, we shall take advantage of one of the aspects of life in today’s world...

PINKY: Are we going to decorate the lab with smiley-face wallpaper, Brain?

BRAIN: [Cringes at the thought] Be silent, Pinky, and *listen*... as you know, the current fuel crisis is creating a massive amount of turmoil to the American way of motoring...people are being forced to wait in long lines for gasoline, paying outrageous amounts for fueling their automobiles, *and* actually having to consider buying...*compacts*.

[Pinky gasps]

BRAIN: Thus, tonight, we shall take advantage of Detroit's lax attentiveness towards producing more fuel-efficient automobiles, by starting our *own* automobile company: the Brain Motor Company! We shall sell a line of cars that will garner upwards of *15*, maybe *20* miles per gallon!

PINKY: *Naaaarf*...

BRAIN: [Pointing to the diagram] By selling such compact, affordable cars such as the "BMC Pinker" and the "Brainlin", the public shall flock to our company over all others, causing a swelling of support for our fuel-conscious efforts! And he who controls the motoring habits of the American public, controls...*America*!

PINKY: Egad, *groovy*, Brain! Oh, no, wait, no...we'd need a huge amount of money to start a car business...and I spent my last $5 on that Pet Rock...I named him "Rocky"! HAHAHA!

BRAIN: Indeed, Pinky...you've pointed out the one stumbling block in this plan: to manufacture the initial line of fuel-efficient cars, we'll need to raise $14 million dollars...where will we get that kind of money?

BILLIE: Don't know, Eggy...

BRAIN: I must ponder how to achieve this further...[Glances at the TV] You may resume watching your choice of so-called "entertainment" in the meanwhile... [Turns up the volume once more, with Pinky and Billie resuming watching "Soul Plane"...]

DAN: Wasn't that great, everyone? OK, now I'm ready to announce the details of this year's "Soul Plane Entertainer of the Year" contest! We're inviting all of you down to our studios to see which one of you has what it takes to become the biggest thing to hit the 70's since the bicentennial! If you're a singer, disco dancer, comedian, whatever, just come down here and strut your stuff for us on national TV!

BRAIN: [Overhearing this] Hmph...who would wish to humiliate themselves on national television by performing those ludicrous motions known as "disco dancing"?!

DAN: Whoever has the best talent shall be rewarded with...get this...$5,000! Isn't that somethin'?!

BRAIN: [Startled] $5,000?! Hmmm...Pinky, Billie, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain, but...didn't somebody *already* make a movie awhile ago about a great white shark?

BILLIE: No, Pinky...the money Eggy needs to build those cars of his! But Eggy, $5,000 isn't anywhere near the amount of money you need to construct even the initial prototypes for your cars...

BRAIN: It's not just the money, Billie...it's also the national fame we could garner. If we were to *win* that prize *and* show how great we are to those polyester-clad "music" fans, we'll be sure to garner further, lucrative media exposure! And by riding the tidal wave of that success, we can then easily make enough money to build our car prototypes!

BILLIE: Um...sure, whatever, Eggy...though for some strange reason, that plan sounds awfully familiar...like we did it before, only with more...R&B music involved. [Scratches her head, then shrugs] Eh, probably not important...

BRAIN: Very well, then...now come...we must prepare to make our debut on this purported "dance" program to win that prize money by becoming all-around disco champions the likes of which the world has never seen!

PINKY: Oooooh, this is going to be so much fun! One question: can I dress up like the Native American chief? *NARF*!

BRAIN: [Winces at this thought] *No*...but you can be the *dunce* of our group...

PINKY: Really? How do I do that?

BRAIN: Like this... [Whaps Pinky on the head; Pinky giggles]

[Fade to some time later, at the "Soul Plane" studios...we see the mice walk in. We see they're all dressed appropriately for this contest: Brain and Pinky are wearing white disco suits, with Pinky's hair done up like the Fonz's and Brain wearing a fake Afro wig. Billie wears a blouse, wide-bottomed pants, and has a scarf tied around her neck...]

BRAIN: All right, we're here! Now, remember your dance moves, everyone...

PINKY: Ooooh, no problem!

BILLIE: Sure thing, Eggy...oooh, this is gonna be fun, Pinky! Maybe we'll get to meet someone famous!

BRAIN: After tonight, *we* shall be the famous ones, Billie...as future potentates of the world!

BILLIE: Um...sure, Eggy...

PINKY: Oooh, maybe we’ll get to dance to that "Brick House" song! [Begins singing/dancing to it] She’s a brick...doo doo doo doo...*house*! Doo doo do! The lady’s stacked, that’s a fact, ain’t holdin’ nothin’ back---

[Brain clasps Pinky’s mouth shut]

BRAIN: *Cease this*! Save your dance moves and mildly suggestive lyrics for those bell-bottomed dance fanatics!

PINKY: [Through clasped snout] Sorry, Brain...

BILLIE: [Annoyed] Hmph! I thought I was going to take care of "disciplining" Pinky from now on, Eggy...

BRAIN: [Letting Pinky’s snout go] Well, I just had an, um, moment of weakness...

BILLIE: [Rolling her eyes] *Suuuuure* you did...[Grabs Pinky’s hand] C’mon, Pinks...let’s go show those guys what we’re made of!

PINKY: Um...we’re going to show them our molecular structures? [Billie and Brain stare, surprised at what Pinky said] [Blushing] I heard it on "Battlestar Galactica", *POIT*!

BRAIN: [Groaning] Ugh...let’s just get *going*... [the mice exit,with Billie saying, "But *I* like that show, Eggy..."]

[Cut to the set of "Soul Plane", about an hour later...we see Dan Borednelius looking into the camera...]

DAN: Well, folks, we're just about at the end of the show, *and* we have one final set of contestants for our big dance contest! Let's give it up, for Brain Travolta, Billie Fawcett, and Pinky Redford!

[The crowd applauds, as the two mice step out onto the dance floor..."Stayin' In Drive" starts up, as we see the two mice start dancing...Brain, amazingly enough, actually looks quite competent at this...]

BILLIE: [Whispering to Brain] Psst! Eggy! How'd ya get so good *this* fast?

BRAIN: [Whispering back] Using the lab's newly-acquired Betamax videocassette recorder, I recorded a few episodes of this program, and practiced some of the moves on my own...

BILLIE: [Whispering] When was this?

BRAIN: [Whispering] It was while you and Pinky were engrossed with making snow angels in a pan filled with flour...

BILLIE: [Whispering] Oh...

[We see the two mice pick up their pace...Brain does a few "Saturday Night Fever"-esque poses, pointing his finger in the air repeatedly while moving his hips. Billie and Pinky do likewise as well...]

PINKY: Oooh, this is soooo fun!

BRAIN: It's going to get even more "fun", Pinky....let's go, everyone! The final moves!

[Brain and Billie grab each other's hands, and begin spinning each other around, going faster and faster....soon, Brain lets Billie go, sending her spinning towards, and into, Pinky's arms, who grabs her and does a bit of a dip with her. The crowd goes wild...]

DAN: [Walking towards the mice] We have our winners, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give it up for Brain, Billie, and Pinky! [All cheer] [Dan gently shakes Brain's hand] Congrats, Brain! Where'd you learn to move like that?

BRAIN: Through this very own program, and the help of modern home videorecording technology...

DAN: [Laughs] Nice to see you're a loyal viewer...but anyway, here's your prize money! [Hands Brain a check] So, what do you plan on doing now?

BRAIN: I plan to invest this money, raise enough capital to build a line of fuel-efficient cars, and take over the *world*!

DAN: [Laughing again] Oh, man, you're funny...you ever consider opening your own dance club? With those moves, you'd have people beating down the door just to watch!

BRAIN: A *dance club*? That's the most--- [Pauses] Um...I'll take that into consideration. Thank you, Dan! [All applaud, as the mice trail off the stage, towards the exit...]

BRAIN: [To his cohorts] Pinky, Billie, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain, but who'd want *pay* for TV channels when they can watch TV for *free*?

BRAIN: *No*, Pinky...I mean, Dan's suggestion! If we were to open our own nightclub, the hottest nightclub this town's seen in years, and charged admission, we'd be guaranteed to raise enough funds for my plan, and be able to implement my plan of taking over the world much more quickly!

PINKY: Egad, *brilliant*, Brain! Oh, no, wait, no----where would we be able to open a nightclub?

BRAIN: I've already thought of that...all we'll need is use this money for some nightclub equipment, hire a staff, and try to garner enough publicity for the club!

[The mice leave the exit doors, and are surrounded by a flock of people, all seeking their autographs...]

FAN: Oooh, I loved your moves!

FAN #2: Are you really going to take up Dan's suggestion and open your own nightclub?

FAN #3: I'd pay to come!

BRAIN: [Grinning broadly] This is *too* good...already, our popularity is bigger than...than...

PINKY: That line of cars at the gas station down the street?

BRAIN: Exactly! [To the crowd] Good people, we *will* be opening a nightclub! And its name shall be---*ACME 54*! The most exclusive, hottest nightclub in New York! [All cheer, and begin chanting the club's name...]

BILLIE: "ACME 54"?! Why would you----[Realizes something] Oh, *Eggy*, you don't intend to run it out of the---

BRAIN: Yes, Billie---by turning the lab into a nightclub, we'll save thousands on rental costs! Plus, the equipment already present will save us some money on setting up a full-fledged, high-tech disco dance floor! We'll just remodel the interior, move our cages to a secluded room, and turn the counter space into a bar!

BILLIE: [Shrugs] Fine with me, then...as long as I get to hire the bartending staff!

PINKY: And *I* get to ride the disco ball all night long, *HAHAHA*!

BRAIN: Very well, if that's what you want... [The three mice exit, with the crowd still cheering...]

[Fade to the exterior of the lab, quite some time later...through a cheesy fanfic montage (set to a disco version of the PatB theme), we see the lab's exterior change to match the nightclub's requirements...the blinking sign changes to read "ACME 54" instead of "ACME Labs", various blinking lights are added to the lab's exterior, a marquee is added (reading "Coming Soon: Really Neat Nightclub, NARF!"), and a red carpet, floodlights, a canopy over the entranceway, and velvet rope are added. Fading to the interior, we see that the lab interior's been converted, as well: the main room of the lab's been cleared and turned into a disco dance floor/dining area, with various lights mounted on all the walls...the counters have been turned into a bar area, and we also see a stage and DJ station set up. Panning up, we see that Pinky's hanging the disco ball, which he does successfully, then begins laughing as Brain tests out its spinning function. Elsewhere in town, we see various posters advertising the club's grand opening, with some amount of buzz being generated amongst various polyester-clad persons...soon, the whole lab is converted, and ready for business...]

[Cut to a shot in early evening, with all the mice in formal clothes...Brain's running over the final check list before their grand opening.]

BRAIN: Let's see...ice, check...a multitude of beverages, check...a DJ (glances over at the DJ, who waves) with "groovy" music, check...bartenders, che---(glances at Billie's direction, and does a double take) What on Earth---?!

[Panning over, we see Billie's seen standing with various male bartenders, all of whom look *very* muscular and wearing short-sleeved shirts and bartender aprons...they seem to be paying her a lot of attention.]

BILLIE: Oh, Eggy! Hi! Just hired the bartending staff! Natch!

BRAIN: *Billie*, I asked you to hire workers, *not* exotic dancers!

STAFF WORKER: Hey, man, we're not exotic! We're just workin' for tips! Besides, your lovely lady friend here think this place is gonna be far out! [The other staff workers agree...]

BRAIN: *Sigh*...this isn't what I had in mind at all. [Glances around] Where's Pinky, by the way?

BILLIE: Relax, Eggy...what's wrong with a bit of "color" to this place? As for Pinky, I made him the *head* bartender!

BRAIN: [Flatly] You put *Pinky* in charge of something besides [glancing at his checklist] "flashing the really sparkly lights"?

BILLIE: Hey, I trust him! I think he'll do *great*! [They look over to see that Pinky's talking to some of the workers, and they're all laughing] See? He's making friends already!

BRAIN: (Sigh) Very well...let's just get this place open...

[The mice all walk to the main door, and open it...we see a large swarm of people are all lined up outside, chanting the club's name...]

BRAIN: Fellow disco lovers, *welcome* to "ACME 54"! Please enjoy your stay, and pay your cover charge to our bouncer, here! [The bouncer, a muscular guy with tattoos, waves] Now come in, one and all! [The crowd lines up to the doorman, paying their cover charges, and enter...]

BRAIN: [To the doorman] Remember, this club must be perceived as the *epitome* of cool! Be sure to only let in those that appear to be cool...the buzz generated by such an exclusionary "high standard" will generate even *more* business for us!

DOORMAN: Sure thing, boss...

[The mice walk back inside...]

PINKY: Egad, are you sure that's the right thing to do, Brain?

BRAIN: It's the only way, Pinky...besides, with the buzz this clique-like entrance requirement will generate, the turnout for our club will skyrocket! Now, let us change into our "disco" outfits...I must give this dance-crazed crowd what they partially came here for in the first place--*ME*!

BILLIE: [Rolling her eyes] Sure, Eggy... [Glances at the bartenders] I think I'll go keep Pinky company at the bar...c'mon, Pinks! [The three mice part ways...]

[Cut to some time later, where we see the crowd's made a ring around the edge of the dance floor...we see the lights darken, and the DJ announce the entrance of the "star" attraction...]

DJ: And *now*, here he is...the winner of the "Soul Plane" dance contest---*Brain*!

[The crowd cheers, as the lights go back up, and we see Brain strut onto the dance floor, to the tune of the "Theme from Shaft"...Brain's still wearing his Afro wig, but is now wearing "Shaft"-like clothes: a wide-collared shirt, a tan leather jacket, wide-bottomed pants, and dress shoes...we hear Pinky speaking into a microphone...]

PINKY: Who's the white lab mouse that hopes to take over the White House?

BILLIE & PINKY: *Brain*!

PINKY: Daaarn right!

[Brain starts to strut his stuff on the dance floor...]

PINKY: [Singing] Who is the brain that would risk his neck for global reign?

BILLIE & PINKY: *Brain*!

PINKY: [Singing] Who's the mouse that won't give up, when his plans go belly up?

BILLIE & PINKY: *Brain*!

PINKY: Right on!...They say this rat Brain is a *haaard-thinkin'*---

BRAIN: [Yelling] I'm a *mouse*!

PINKY: But I'm talkin' about *Brain*!

BILLIE: Yeah, we can dig it...

PINKY: [Singing] He's a large headed rodent, but no one seems to know him like his own friends...

BILLIE: *The Brain*!

[The crowd applauds, as we see Brain put on a few finishing moves on the dance floor, then all begin dancing to a fresh record put on by the DJ...]

BRAIN: [Walking over to his cohorts] Very good...and from the looks of this crowd's reaction, things are going to get even *better*! Look at this turnout---the place is getting packed, and there's *still* a large swarm outside, waiting to get in! Hopefully, we can ride out this initial popularity, and keep this going until we raise enough funds to implement my car-production plan, and take over the *world*!

PINKY: Hooray! And thanks for more gratuitous explanation of your plan-thingy, *NARF*!

BRAIN: *Sigh*...

[Brain's hopes apparently prove to be true, as through yet another cheesy fanfic montage, we see the club's popularity grow...we see various patrons packing the dance floor, more of Brain's disco moves, Billie getting friendly with the bartenders, and Pinky spending more and more time laughing wildly with a few bartenders and club patrons...cut to the outside of the club one night, as we see someone arguing with the bouncer, trying to get into the club...the young, African-American male's dressed in a partially-unbuttoned collared shirt, wide bottomed pants, dress shoes, and is wearing a few gold chains...only one guess who it is, folks...]

BOUNCER: [To the youth] No way, man...you don't look cool to me. Heck, you barely look old enough to get into an R-rated movie! Now, beat it!

YOUNG MAN: (Annoyed) Hey, who the (bleep) are you to tell me I'm not *cool*! I'm the coolest thing to blow into Ed Koch-run-town since the (bleep)in' dawn of time! Oh, oh, I see how it is...a young man, tryin' to make a name for himself in the comedy world, coming all the way here from Detroit just to get a break in the Big Apple, and you have to stand in the way? Man, that ain't right!

BOUNCER: You funny? Ha! Funny-*lookin'*, maybe...now g'wan, beat it!

YOUNG MAN: (Now even more annoyed/aggressive) Hey, I'm the (bleep)ing funniest guy to come down the pike since (bleep)in' Redd Foxx! I can *prove* I'm funny, ya (bleep)ity (bleep) (bleep)! Ya (bleep)in' get what I'm (bleep)in' sayin?!

BOUNCER: (Screams) AAAAUGH! Alright, already! You can go *in*!

YOUNG MAN: [Emits a staccato laugh] Thanks, man! [The youth struts in ...]

[Cut to the inside a short while later, where the lad's trying to convince Billie (still surrounded by bartenders) to let him do a comedy show at the club...]

YOUNG MAN: Oh, come on! I *know* I'm funny! *Pleeease*?!

BILLIE: Um, I don't know, Mr....uh...Foley, right?

YOUNG MAN: Call me Axel, little lady... [Notices Billie's short stature] um, *very* little lady...

BILLIE: Very well, *Axel*...but you'd have to ask Brain!

AXEL: OK...uh, which one's, er, "Brain"?

BILLIE: Uh... over there on the dance floor! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a few more important things to do... (Motions for a bartender to make her and Pinky a milkshake)

AXEL: OK...thanks...I'll ask him, right after I tear up the floor! Heh...heh...heh...

[Axel walks over to the main dance floor...]

AXEL: [To the crowd] Hey, hey, hey! No need to fear, New Yorkers, the *main man* is here! [Staccato laugh]

DANCER: Hey, you're not the main man! He is! [Points to Brain, who's dancing on the floor...]

AXEL: (Bleep)! That guy?! He's more like the "mini man"! "Micro man", even! (Bleep), call him the *Atom*! [To Brain] Hey, you, you know which one of these guys is named "Brian"?

BRAIN: [Cringing at Axel's "grasp" of the English language] Ugh...such vulgar language. To answer your query, *I* am that person, and the name's *Brain*...who let *you* in?!

AXEL: Me, myself, and I...and that nice doorman! Name's Axel Foley... Foley with an "F", and *F* as in *Funk-eehhh*! Oww! [Begins making heavily labored dancing moves...Brain rolls his eyes and gags]

BRAIN: Please...I'm the main dancer here, you volatile ruffian!

AXEL: Oh, yeah?! We'll see about *that*, shorty! [To the DJ] Hey! Put on that (bleep)in' "Dante's Disco Inferno" song! I'm gonna teach Brian---

BRAIN: *Brain*...

AXEL: [Ignoring Brain's correction] ---here what dancing's all about!

[The DJ puts on a new 45..."Dante's Disco Inferno" (to the tune of "Disco Inferno") starts up...]

[Axel and Brain begin dancing...we see the crowd begin clapping to the beat of the music...]

AXEL: [While dancing] HA! I'm a better dancer than you are, ya (bleep)in' (bleep)!

BRAIN: [While dancing] Urgh...Just *where* did you get such a mouth from?!

AXEL: Beats me...maybe my upbringin'...maybe peer pressure...or *maybe* my lovable Uncle Arthur who cursed like a blue streak from his Army days fightin’ in the "Big One"!

BRAIN: (Winces) *Sorry I asked*...

[The two continue dancing, and move faster, and faster...the crowd really gets into this, cheering both of them on. Suddenly, Brain pulls a few John Travolta-esque moves, whirling around faster and faster, until he goes flying through the air (with cheesy "Six Million Dollar Man" slow-motion moving/sounds-effects) and landing, to applause.]

AXEL: HA! Ya think that's somethin', check this out! [Axel tries the same thing, but winds up flying into the bar; a few bottles crash, and we hear Axel curse profusely...nearby, we see Pinky laughing it up with various staff members/patrons]

PINKY: [Stops laughing, as he overhears Axel’s cursing] Oooh, what language! We should get some soap for you, Mr. Potty Mouth! *NARF*!

AXEL: (Pained) Won’t...dignify...that...with...smart-aleck...response... (Passes out)

A STAFFER: Well, *I* don't have any soap...but care for some cheese, Pinky?

PINKY: Ooooh, I *love* cheese!

STAFFER: You'll love *this* stuff...government cheese, grade A! Just imported it today! Me and this guy (points to a patron) plan on havin' some down in the basement in a few minutes...care to join us?

PINKY: Oooh, sure!

[The three leave for the basement, where, in a few minutes, we see Pinky's stuffing his face with the cheese...]

PINKY: Mmf! Mf! This is *yummy*! [Hiccups]

PATRON: That's it, eat up, buddy! Man, you're the greatest bartender at this place! No offense...

STAFFER: None taken...

PATRON: Y'know, if you want to help your friend and have some cheese of your own, I can cut you a deal...

PINKY: [Stops eating for a moment] A "deal"?

PATRON: You let us sell this stuff down here to other patrons, and we'll give you all the cheese you want, *plus* 10% of the cut!

PINKY: Oooh, that'd really help Brain in his plan-thingy...but I dunno...

PATRON: Hey, it's OK...you do want to help your friend, right?

PINKY: Welllll... (Eyes the cheese carefully) OK! *TROZ*! It *is* going to help Brain!

PATRON: Thanks, man! Here, the rest of this case is yours! [Points to a case of cheese against a wall]

PINKY: Oh, *boy*! Thank you! [Continues eating cheese....]

PATRON: Remember, ya can't tell Brain *or* your little lady friend Billie about this...we want to keep it a "surprise" for them, OK?

PINKY: [Pauses] Well, I suppose so...just like how I surprised him on his last birthday with that empty cardboard tube! HAHAHA! [Goes back to eating...]

[Cut to yet another all-too-typical fanfic-style montage of clips, as we see: Billie being pampered by the buff bartenders, Brain strutting his stuff on the dance floor, Axel Foley trying to convince the mice to let him do a comedy act at the club so he can "break into the (bleep)in' business", and Pinky hanging out with several bartenders/patrons in the club's basement, gorging themselves on (and selling to the club patrons) government cheese...]

[Cut to a shot of Brain reading through a copy of the "New York Times"...Billie and Pinky walk over as Brain shouts "YES!"]

PINKY: Um...what is it, Brain?

BRAIN: See *this*, Pinky!

[Brain shows Pinky the main headline of the paper; the main headline reads: "YOUTH WITH SUPER POWERS REVEALS EXISTENCE TO STUNNED WORLD"...we see that the headline takes up half the front page, with the remainder of the page filled with an article about the headline's subject. A photograph of a youthful, spit-curled lad shaking hands with President Carter is seen, and a caption below the photo reads "PRESIDENT DOUBTS EVEN YOUTH IS CAPABLE OF SOLVING U.S. FUEL CRISIS PROBLEM"]

BILLIE: [Glancing at the paper] Whoa...good thing he's not megalomaniacal...from this article's description of him, *he* could easily take over the whole "stunned" world if he wanted!

PINKY: Gee, that sounds kind of familiar...like we tried doing *that* before, Brain...

BRAIN: Pinky, we try to take over the world *every* night! Besides, how could we control a youth with such phenomenal powers, anyway? If he wanted to, he could probably hurl me clear to *Japan* if he wanted, judging from this description of him! Besides, our *current* fuel-efficient car production plan will have *no* problems whatsoever...if some grade-school-aged boy with demigod-like powers can't solve the fuel crisis, then *nothing* can!

PINKY: Um...but what if people took the bus, *POIT*?

BRAIN: Don't be ludicrous, Pinky...this is *America*! *Nobody* would choose public transportation over driving a *car*!

PINKY: Oooh, right, I forgot...sorry, Brain, *NARF*!

BILLIE: C’mon, Pinks...let’s go grab ourselves a milkshake from Raoul! [Motions for said bartender to make a milkshake for the two mice...]

[Cut to a shot later on, with Brain dancing on the main floor, and Pinky and Billie being fed grapes by/whooping it up with the hired help.]

BILLIE: Oh, this is so much fun! *Definitely* one of Eggy’s better schemes...um...what do you think, Pinky?

PINKY: Oooh, yes! *NARF*! Um...but do you think we should be over with Brain dancing? I mean, we haven’t spent much time with him lately and all...think he’s lonely?

[Pan over to see that Brain’s surrounded by dozens of admirers, all praising his dance moves, to the tune of "I’m Just A Love Machine"...we hear over the crowd someone yelling "Hey! Doesn’t anyone wanna hear this funny (bleep) joke? OK, Jimmy Carter, Sonny and Cher, the Osmonds, and a rabbi walk into a bar, order some Billy Beer, and...uh... (sees no one’s paying attention) (bleep)! Bunch of ingrates wouldn’t know humor if it came up and shouted (imitates Bill Cosby/"Fat Albert") *hey, hey, hey*!"]

[Pan back to Billie and Pinky...]

BILLIE: I think Eggy’s fine, Pinky...

PINKY: I guess so... POIT...at least he’s happy! [Thinking] And he’ll be happier once he sees how I’m helping him make more money! Oooh, maybe I can help make the club even *more* money somehow, though...

[We cut away from the club, and to---yes, *more* montage clips...we see the "whirling magazine covers towards the camera" bit, where we see: Brain (wearing a crown) on the cover of "Gathers No Moss" magazine, with the main caption reading "Brain Travolta: The *New* King of Disco"; Billie (wearing a tiara and draped in feathers) on the cover of "Strife", with the caption "Billie Fawcett: Disco Diva!"; and Pinky's face on the cover of "Newsbleak", with the main title reading "The Face of Today's Youth?", and a subcaption reading "Government Cheese and the Black Market"...]

[Cut back to ACME 54, where we see various TV cameras are set up all around the dance floor...we also see Dan Borednelius standing in front of the main floor...he's speaking with Axel Foley, and looks fairly annoyed]

AXEL: Aw, c'mon, just one joke? *Please*?! I promise not to swear *too* much and get y'all in trouble with the (bleep)in' FCC...or make fun of that lame (bleep) leisure suit you're wearin'! [Dan looks annoyed, and walks off...] WAIT! It's just the reactionary teenager in me! Y'know, us young people are the *future*! Are you gonna deny me the chance to make a splash just for my youthful exuberance and, uh, stuff?! [Dan continues walking...] *(BLEEP)*! Hmph...maybe I should think about tryin' out for that "Not-Ready-For-(Bleep)in'-Primetime-Players" ensemble over at NBC...

[Cut back to Dan, starting the "Soul Plane" broadcast...]

DAN: Welcome, y'all, to the "Soul Plane"! Tonight, we're broadcastin' *live* from the swingingest place in New York, *ACME 54*! Here now to do a groovy dance number's Pinky, Billie, and---the *Brain*!

[We see a crowd around the dance floor, clapping to the beat of the music, and we see a large tub is set up with a toy boat in it...we see that the mice are standing on the toy boat, and various dancers are standing around the tub...as the dancers begin dancing, we hear the Hues Corporation's "Don't Rock the Boat" start playing...the mice begin singing, and dancing in place on the boat...]

BRAIN: (Singing) So I'd like to know where, you got the no-tionnnnn...said I'd like to know where, you got the no-tionnnnnn....

[We see Pinky's dancing is making the boat rock back and forth quite heavily, as Brain and Billie look a bit uneasy...]

BRAIN & BILLIE: (Singing) To rock the boat, don't rock the boat *Pinky*...
Rock the *boat*...don't tip the boat *over*!
Rock the *boat*, don't rock the boat *Pinky*!
Rock the *boooooooooo-o-o-oaaaat*....

[The boat, now rocking quite heavily due to Pinky's overexcited dancing, completely capsizes...]

BRAIN: [Screaming] *YAAAAAH*!

[The three mice are sent sprawling into the water...quickly, both the boat and the mice bob to the surface...Brain looks irate, while Pinky is giggling...]

BILLIE: [Smirking] We tried to warn ya, Pinks...

BRAIN: [Narrowing his eyes at Billie] Very funny, Billie... [Muttering] As soon as my polyester-derived wardrobe dries out, I intend to rock *you*, Pinky...

PINKY: [Swims over next to Brain] Oh, goody, *goody*! (Singing) Brain *will*...Brain *will*...rock *me*! POIT! HAHAHAHA!

BRAIN: [Flatly] Sooner than you *think*... [Brain whaps Pinky, sending him to the bottom of the tub...we see bubbles rise to the surface, with the sounds of Pinky laughing underwater...]

BILLIE: [Heavily] *Sigh*...

[We cut to a shot of a TV set spinning towards the camera, where we see Walter Cronkite's image appears...he seems to be interviewing the blue-costumed, spit-curl-hair youth mentioned earlier...]

CRONKITE: ...so, young man, in the time since your debut, you've saved various lives, saved some kittens stuck in trees, and assisted a small town in rural Kansas in innumerable ways...but I'm sure one question still lingers on the minds of every love-struck, pre-teen girl in the country: will you be making an appearance at that hot new New York City dance club "ACME 54" anytime soon? [Jestful chuckle]

YOUNG BOY: [Looks a bit surprised at that question/"love struck pre-teen girl" comment, then calms down] Uh...well, first of all, Mr. Cronkite, I'm *way* underaged...second of all, it probably wouldn't set a good example for kids if I went there...third of all, I heard of all sorts of things going on down there that I'm *definitely* not ready for... [Thinking] ...and fourth of all, Ma and Pa would *kill* me if I stepped foot in *there*... [Speaking] ...and finally, I, uh, just think of myself as someone who wants to give a hand---I’m definitely no Robert Redford...or even the *Fonz*! [Looks at his lock of hair dangling in his face] Despite my hairstyle, that is... [Grins shyly] Uh...but if the rumors are true, I hope that their customers don’t eat *too* much cheese...

CRONKITE: [Chuckling] Indeed we do, young man, indeed we do... [in trademark Cronkite intonations/seriousness] ...as those doting, disco-minded patrons dance the night away, what ultimate fate awaits these lovers of such disco hits as "Stayin' In Drive" and "In the Navy Reserve"? Will their way of life last through the ages, becoming the subject of many a praise-filled nostalgia piece, or like all other decades, eventually be remembered only for a few select things, remembered as an era of "Star Wars", women's liberation, and *Billy Beer*?! Only *time* will *tell*...and that's the way it is! Good night, America, and to the Smalltown---

YOUNG BOY: Uh, that's "Smallville", sir...

CRONKITE: [Not missing a beat] ---the *Smallville Sensation* himself!

[The picture fades, as we see the youth shake hands with America’s favorite nightly newsanchor, then zips out of the studio at super-speed...cutting to the outside of CBS’ New York City studios, we see the youth take off into the air, and fly over the city...he passes over the ACME 54 nightclub, and uses x-ray vision and super-hearing to hear the sounds of "Everybody Was Tai Chi Fighting" and see various polyester-clad dancers gyrating on the main dance floor...with the music in the background, we see the youth shrug, and fly off, muttering to no one "personally, I prefer that ‘Don’t Rock the Boat’ song..."]

[We cut to another spinning-towards-the-camera TV set, this one displaying an image of Barbara Walters interviewing the mice...]

BARBARA: Hello, everybody...tonight, I'll be interviewing Brain Travolta, owner of the country's hottest nightclub, "ACME 54", along with his partners Billie Fawcett and Pinky Redford...

[Pan over to see that Billie's wearing her disco outfit, with sunglasses...she's draped in jewelry and feathers. Brain (still in his "Shaft" clothes and Afro wig) looks quite smug, and Pinky looks a bit stuffed...]

PINKY: Oooh...I must’ve had too many milkshakes, Billie! That, or grapes... (burps)

BARBARA: So, Billie, tell me...what's it like being part of this club of decadence, this den of deceit...the late nights, the dancing till dawn, the sordidness of attractive bartenders providing your every need? And is the use of government cheese there as bad as it's rumored to be?

BILLIE: [Waving her hand] Barbara, Barbara, *Barbara*...I think that what goes on there is what's *needed* in this stressful day and age! Between fuel crises, stagflation, and the rising costs of subatomic particle accelerators, we *all* need a break! So a few people dance to the point of exhaustion, or get fed grapes by a bartender that looks like Arnold Schwartzenegger? All of our bartenders are *trained* in artificial resuscitation techniques! Hmm...hey, Pinks, ya wanna go practice artificial resuscitation on our *own*? Heehee...

PINKY: Um...gee...I dunno...I think I’d rather lie down for awhile...or just have some more cheese, *NARF*!

BARBARA: [Raising an eyebrow] *Government* cheese, I presume, Pinky?

PINKY: Yes, and it's quite *yummy*, *NARF*!

BARBARA: Goodness...Brain, can you explain your comrades' behavior?

BRAIN: Of *course*, Barbara... [Stands up, does a bit of a twirl in place] ...after we raise enough money, I plan to make a whole line of cars that'll have the public at my feet even *moreso*, so I can *take over the world*! ...in addition to "partying down"... [Does a few disco moves...] *YES*...besides, I'm quite certain that our operation is fully on the level! So Pinky or a few customers wish to gorge themselves on low-grade federally-produced curdled milk...big deal!

BARBARA: *I see*....folks, this is an *interesting* commentary on today's entertainment scene in New York... [Pan over to see Brain continues dancing, Pinky is inserting a whole antacid tablet into his mouth, and Billie's twirling around a few pieces of jewelry...]...and *profitable*, too, from what I've read. Brain, is it true that this club brings in a shocking amount of money per week?

BRAIN: Yes, it is, Barbara! [Points his finger in the air doing a few moves...] That is, if you consider it "shocking" to actually run the *most* successful nightclub this nation's seen in *decades*!

BARBARA: But my sources suggest that the amount flowing through the club is *more* than what could possibly be generated from drink sales, merchandising, and the cover charge! Where are you getting the extra money from, Brain?

BRAIN: [Stops dancing, pauses] Well, I'm sure that it's all being taken care of by my associates...

PINKY: (Speaking through the fizz produced by the antacid tablet) Oh, *yes*! I'm helping, too! I *always* take the pop bottles back for the deposit, *TROZ*!

BILLIE: Yeah...me, too!

BARBARA: Um...yes, I...see. Very well, then...that's all we have time for tonight. [Taps her earpiece] I'm being told that our "up-and-coming comedians" piece will have to be pre-empted due to the length of this interview, so we'll sign off right this minute...so long for now!

[We pull back to see a TV screen with the image of the waving mice and Barbara...from outside the shot's range, we also hear several bleeped-out profanities being uttered...suddenly, this TV image clicks off...pan over to see two men in suits, leaning against a desk...]

MAN #1: I don't buy that "pop bottle deposit" bit one iota, do you?

MAN #2: Nope...that little feller's hiding something. I don't think he's as dumb as he looks...or talks...or *laughs*...

MAN #1: We'll have to go down to that club and investigate, ask the owners a few questions, look around...I just *know* those rumors about illegal government cheese sales must be true! Nobody puts one over the U.S. Government! [Slams his fist down on the desk, accidentally shattering a coaster with the FBI logo on it] Darn...and to think that cost the taxpayers a whole 50 *cents*...

MAN #2: Don't worry...we'll file this little accident---*CLASSIFIED*! [Man #2 whips out an envelope labeled "TOP SECRET", scoops the contents of the broken coaster into it, seals up the envelope, and sticks it in a large file cabinet...the two men shift their pupils back and forth rapidly, as if someone might've been watching...cue orchestra music: dum-dum-duuummmm....]

[Cut back to "ACME 54", where we see it's the following morning. A few of last night's hangers-on are still there, asleep, slumped over chairs in an exhausted stupor, etc....we see a few bartenders knocked out on the counter as well, and at a separate table, Axel is seen snoring. We see Pinky and Billie talking...]

BILLIE: Eggy says he's off to film a bit part for next week's "Soul Plane"...he's been invited on as this week's special disco guest! Though Eggy could've asked *us* to go with him, y'know...so, doin' anything today, Pinky?

PINKY: Um....besides eating? *NARF*...

BILLIE: Sure...if ya wanna do that, we can go down to that burger joint down the street...I hear they're givin' away toys with their meals! What a brilliant idea!

PINKY: Ooooh, *toys*! Um...can we have cheeseburgers? And milkshakes? POIT!

BILLIE: Sure, why not? Just tell the boys to take the morning off... the cleaning staff'll take care of *this* mess...

PINKY: OK! *NARF*! [Pauses, sounding slightly down] Though to be honest, Billie, I sure miss Brain...he's spending so much time dancing and having fun, and I'm happy for him, but...

BILLIE: Well, Eggy still has his plan to think of, and I'm sure that he's actually enjoying himself, for once...I know *I* am! And I’m sure he wants you to be happy, too...are you happy, Pinks? I know *I* am!

PINKY: [Perks back up] I suppose so...all that cheese I've been eating is *great*, too! *NARF*! [Thinking] And Brain'll be so happy, once I show him all the money I've made for his plan-thingy! *TROZ*!

BILLIE: Great! C'mon, let's go! [Snaps her fingers, and an awake bartender pick the two of them up. The bartender carries the two mice them out to a waiting limo...]

[Cut to that night, as we see the club's at full swing again...we see various patrons whooping it up on the dance floor...in a corner, we see patrons laugh at Axel telling a few jokes, and through the middle of the crowd, we see Brain continuing to dance the night away...]

BRAIN: [Thinking] These people, they adore my every movement...my graceful floating like a butterfly! And soon, my plan shall *sting* Detroit's automakers like a bee! I will rule the world! I *am* the greatest! [Raises a fist in the air] [Speaking] *YES*!---huh?!?

[Brain is startled, as he sees Billie leading a conga line through the crowd; she's still draped in feathers and a tiara, but is now wearing a sash reading "Disco Diva". Brain looks somewhat annoyed by this...]

BRAIN: [stopping Billie] What's the meaning of interrupting *my* night of glory? I'm the star of this dance floor, not *you*! Why don't you go back over to the counter and "rule" your "flock" over there?

BILLIE: Hey, there's nothing that says I can't come over here! Besides, I'm the "Disco Diva"! *Queen* of disco! Woo-hoo! [A bartender tosses rose petals over Billie, while Brain rolls his eyes] ...by the way, you haven't seen Pinky around, have you? I haven't seen him since this morning!

BRAIN: Probably eating more of that equally-as-low-grade-as-his-IQ cheese...now leave me be, while I resume, uh, developing the plan! [Goes back to dancing, with his onlookers clapping him on...]

BILLIE: [Annoyed] I don't think so, Eggy...now, apologize to my conga line or---

[Suddenly, two men in suits walk up...the bouncer trails behind them...]

BOUNCER: I tried stoppin' 'em, boss, but those badges kinda took priority over our "no uncool people allowed" motto...

MAN: Excuse me, are you "Brain Travolta"?

BRAIN: Yes, I am...who are *you*? [Continues his disco moves]

MAN #2: We're from the Federal Government...is this "Billie", perchance?

BILLIE: Um, yeah... [Signals for the DJ to turn off the music]

MAN: Is Mr. "Pinky" here? We'd like to speak with all three of you, if we may...

[Suddenly, we see Pinky walk up from the basement, looking quite satiated...]

PINKY: Yummy! That shipment tasted a bit like brie mixed with sawdust! *NARF*! [Sees the two men] Um...is something wrong?

MAN #2: Mr. "Pinky", I presume?

PINKY: Oh, yes sir! *POIT*!

MAN: As we said before, we're from the Federal Government...we've received word of a Mr. "Pinky" involved in some sort of government cheese selling ring...supposedly, unethically-acquired cheese was being sold from the basement of this very facility as part of a government cheese trafficking ring worldwide! Do you mind if we look around?

BRAIN: This is *absurd*! We'd never do anything like *that*! I would've *noticed*! ...[Looking at the dance floor and the DJ] Um, I *think*...Pinky, Billie, is this *true*?

PINKY: [Crying] Oh, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist! It was so *yummy*! I didn't know it was illegally gotten! Don't take me to jail and make eat only cottage cheese! *PLEEEEASE*!!

MAN: So, you admit to being part of this ring?

PINKY: [Sniffing] They promised to give me 10% of what they were selling so I could help Brain with his plan! *Sniff*...I didn't know I was doing anything *wrong*!

MAN #2: Hmm...maybe he's *not* a criminal genius, after all...

AXEL: [From off-screen] No, but *he* is! I saw this guy's face on the wanted posters at the post office! [Walks on-screen, dragging the patron that gave Pinky the cheese originally] Recognize 'em? I saw him tryin' to break into my car! Nobody steals *my* 8-track player and gets away with it!

MAN: Hey, I remember him...I thought you were just a car thief...what gives with the cheese selling?

PATRON: Hey, I needed a bit more dough! The "used" car stereo market's gone soft lately, so, I got involved with this...figured that the feds might start catchin' on to me, so I tried to plant some papers in this guy's car!

AXEL: Yeah, the crazy (bleep)! Lookit this! They've cleaned up *big time* with this thing!

MAN #2: [Looking at the papers] Hmm...receipts for purchases! Good lord...$2 million a *week* in illegal government cheese dealings was going on here! [To the patron] Looks like you'll have to come in with us...

PATRON: Awww...and I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for this meddling comedian!

AXEL: Take 'em away, boys! [Thinks] Hmm....that was kind of enjoyable! Lousy (bleep)in' low-life scum...and to think that Detroit's got *dozens* of guys just like him! Maybe going to the police academy wasn't so far-fetched an idea after all...I could still practice comedy on the *side*...

BILLIE: Pinky, you did this to *help* Brain? Didn't you know what you were getting into? Oh, I knew I wasn't paying enough attention to you! It'll never happen again, I *promise*! [Runs over to Pinky, and begins rubbing his head...Brain rolls his eyes and gags...]

MAN: There's still one more thing...I'm afraid we'll have to shut this club down.


MAN: Sorry to do it, but until we can get a truck over here to clear out all that illegal cheese from the basement, this place is staying closed. [The men exit, taking the patron with them...]

BRAIN: [Sighs] Very well...but it doesn’t matter! We surely must have raised enough funds by now to begin constructing our line of fuel-efficient cars! Correct?

[Pinky fidgets nervously...]

BRAIN: [Eyes widening] Pinky, don’t tell me you *did* something with the club’s funds...?!?

PINKY: [Nervously] Well, I wanted to help raise the money you needed even faster, and I thought I’d invest it in something!

BILLIE: What’d ya invest it in, Pinky?

PINKY: [Proudly] Oh, just some company called Fly-By-Nite Lead Paint Manufacturers of America...*yummy*! Um...think we can expect any checks from them anytime soon?

[Brain moans, then walks over to a nearby table leg, and begins banging his head against it...]

PINKY: Oooh, that looks painful, Brain...um, do you need an aspirin? POIT!

[Cut to the outside of the lab, sometime later...we see that the lab's exterior has been converted back to its normal appearance. Inside, we see several workers box up the last of the "ACME 54" items and are loading it into a truck parked out back...the mice are back to their normal state of non-dress...we see Pinky's playing with fingerpaints...]

BRAIN: [To a worker] Take it all out of here...I'd like to forget this tacky, polyester-clad, ill-conceived idea as quickly as possible... [Rubs the sides of his head] I suppose we were fortunate to be able to have enough money left to convert the lab back to normal...

PINKY: Oh, don't feel so bad, Brain...besides, maybe you can prepare for the *next* big musical fad!

BRAIN: Spare me your pop musical leanings, Pinky...besides, we must prepare for tomorrow night!

PINKY: Why, Brain, what're we gonna do tomorrow night? (Gasps) Send a painting of me to President Carter? [Slams his head into a pan of paint, and presses it on the paper...Pinky lifts his head up, and admires his handiwork] HAHAHA!

BILLIE: [Walking in carrying a Beta videocassette] Start up a chain of businesses that charge exorbitant overdue fees for the rental of prerecorded videocassettes?

BRAIN: *No*, Pinky, Billie, as ludicrous as both ideas sound...the same thing we do *every* night: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

[We fade to the outside of the lab, as we hear a "disco" version of the PatB theme start up...]

THE JEE BEES: Ah, ah, ah, ah, they're dinky, they're dinky...ah, ah, Pinky, Billie, and the *Braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn*.....

[Instrumental of "Stayin' Alive" plays, as we fade out to...]

The Brain/Man #1: Maurice LaMarche
Pinky/Man #2/DJ: Rob Paulsen
Billie/Barbara Walters/Female Dancer: Tress MacNeille
Dan Borednelius: Don Cornelius
Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy
Singers: various
Bartenders: Jim Cummings
Door Bouncer/Patron: Jeff Glenn Bennett
Young Boy: Tim Daly
Walter Cronkite: Himself

Pinky, the Brain, Billie, ACME Labs Warner Bros., used without permission.

Superboy, Smallville, the Atom DC Comics/Warner Bros., used without permission.

"The Six Million Dollar Man" Universal Television(?), used without permission.

"Saturday Night Fever", Axel Foley Paramount Studios, used without permission.

"Star Wars" Lucasfilms and 20th Century Fox, used without permission.

"New York Times" New York Times, used without permission.

Beta, Betamax Sony, used without permission.

"The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players" and "Saturday Night Live" National Broadcasting Company, Inc., used without permission.

"Don't Rock the Boat" by the Hues Corporation.

"Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.

"Brick House" by the Commodores.

"Theme From Shaft" by Issac Hayes.

"I’m Just A Love Machine" by the Miracles.

Bartenders Provided By:
Kelly Employment Services

Teenaged Axel's Future:
Contains Judge Reinhold, a "Gumby" suit, and a "Bloom County" reference

ACME 54:
Soon to be a major motion picture, starring Jon Lovitz as the "Cranky Club Owner"! Don't miss it!

"Pinky Redford":
Has the names of all the President's men on his Christmas card list

Billie's Rendition of "I Will Survive":
The "B-side" to "Don't Rock the Boat, Pinky"

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