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The Brain’s Mission For President Reagan

Written by: Brainatra


The 1980’s: Reagan was president...the L.A. Lakers were the #1 team in basketball..."Cosby" was the king of the airwaves...and in Smallville, Kansas, there existed a youthful hero in Spandex known the world over as---SUPERBOY! Follow us on this flashback to those yuppified, halcyon days of yesteryear, as we see the Boy of Steel assisted on a mission of the utmost importance by a certain trio of genetically-altered laboratory mice...

[Open onto the exterior of Acme Labs, at night...a caption at the bottom of the screen reads "1988", the year this adventure takes place...fade into the interior of the lab, where we find the mice engaged in their usual activities: Brain is engrossed in his latest scheme, while Pinky and Billie are watching television, apparently the evening news...]

ANCHORMAN: And so, the world rests easier tonight, knowing that this brave youth has completed a mission of the utmost, heh-heh, "mercy": the disposal of several million cases of unsold "Ishtar" promotional merchandise into a bottomless pit!

[We see footage of Superboy throwing a huge wad of dolls shaped to look like Dustin Hoffman and camels into a giant gorge with a sign labeled "Bottomless Pit---Serving your on-the-sly dumping needs since 1927"]

ANCHORMAN: The entertainment industry *and* an unentertained public thank the Boy of Steel for this magnificent favor...that’s our news for tonight. Please stay tuned for a very special episode of "Roseanne"...good night.

[Cut to the lab mice...]

PINKY: [Wiping away a tear] Oooh, I’m so proud of Superboy! Just think...a 17-year-old boy is allowed to violate various child labor and endangerment laws, all to risk his neck doing experienced police officers’ job of fighting crime! And helping to cover up a poor marketing decision of Hollywood execs, to boot? Who’d have thunk it? *NARF*!

BILLIE: [Grinning] Um, yeah, Pinky...[Gets up, and walks over to Brain] So, Eggy, whatcha got planned for tonight? Becoming guest stars on "Family Ties"?

PINKY: Tryin’ to get jobs as promising yuppie stockbrokers? [Imitates famous bit from the movie "Wall Street"] Greed...is...goooood. *HAHAHA*!

BRAIN: *Noooo*...*this* is my plan: as you know, in several days, our nation’s space program shall resume launching space shuttles, after the disastrous and tragic "Challenger" accident...

PINKY: That was very sad, Brain...

BRAIN: Indeed it was, Pinky...a true tragedy. But if all goes well, our nation shall witness not only the resumption of our space program, but also a *new* era in leadership!

PINKY: Are you planning on riding around in a tank as part of a national campaign?

BRAIN: I’ve considered that, Pinky, but...no. Our plan is this: we shall go to Washington, D.C., and ask President Reagan to sign this executive order [Holds up a piece of paper] that will order the space shuttle crew, once in space, to unfurl a mile-wide banner that reads "Brain is your rightful ruler"! Our impressed nation’s denizens shall thus demand that *I* be elected president in the upcoming elections, thereby allowing *me* to rise to power!

PINKY: Egad, *brilliant*, Brain! But, oh, no, wait---how will we convince President Reagan to sign this? I mean, we aren’t exactly trying to peddle jelly beans, *NARF*!

BILLIE: Yeah...or for that matter, how will we even get the chance to *see* him?

BRAIN: Already taken care of...we shall pose as young, upwardly mobile Republican party boosters, trying to convince Mr. Reagan that this banner is to promote with this historic shuttle launch a "new morning in America"!

PINKY: But I thought there wasn’t any mornings in space, Brain...being all dark and empty and all...

BRAIN: Given the space between your *ears*, Pinky, I suppose you’d certainly *know*...now enough of this! Come, let us set off...

PINKY: ...to boldly go where no man---er, no *one*, has gone before?

BRAIN: (Sighs) Try to stay *sentient*, Pinky...

BILLIE: [Annoyed] Hey, don’t insult Pinky’s sentience, Eggy! I was just as sentient as he was before that experiment boosted my intelligence a zillion-fold!

PINKY: Thanks, Billie! I’ve never had anyone stand up for my sentry before...

BILLIE: [Giggling] That’s "sentience", silly!

PINKY: Oh, right, *TROZ*!

BRAIN: [Rolling his eyes] Indeed...now enough of this! Let’s set off...for *Washington*!

[Cut from the lab, and to an overhead shot of Washington, D.C., as patriotic music plays...we fade to a shot of the White House, and fade into the Oval Office, where seated behind a desk is President Reagan himself...he’s seen reading a book titled "Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Deregulation (But Was Afraid to Ask)". A secretary buzzes him over an intercom...]

SECRETARY: Mr. President? There’s two GOP party boosters here to see you...they claim to be huge supporters of Vice President Bush’s political campaign!

REAGAN: [Puts the book away] Very well...send them in.

[The mice walk in, wearing business suits, clutching briefcases, and looking very yuppie-fied; Secret Service agents immediately surround the mice, sweep metal detectors over them, etc. Soon, they cease their actions, leaving the mice looking slightly rumpled.]

REAGAN: Sorry I had to do that, but you know how it is when you’re the leader of the free world...[Notices their short stature] Um...perhaps you’d care to climb up onto my desk, Mr...

BRAIN: [Smoothing out his clothes] Um, of course...and the name’s Brain...uh, Lee Iacocca Brain. These are my acquaintances, er, J. Danforth Pinky, and Marilyn Billie. Mr. President, I---

REAGAN: Whaddya know...those two have the same first names as that Senator Quayle kid and his wife...[Shrugs] who knew? [Picking up a jar of jelly beans on his desk] Say, would you care for some jelly beans? I really like jelly beans...

PINKY: Ooooh, jelly beans! [Pinky, as well as the other lab mice, climb onto the President’s desk. Pinky heads for the jelly bean jar, and grabs several jelly beans, which he shoves into his mouth. He chews with a delighted look on his face, while Brain stares at him sternly.]

BRAIN: Mr. President, my colleague’s taste for confections aside, we wish to discuss something of the utmost importance to us. [Pulls from his coat the made-up executive order] As you know, we...uh...harbor a strong faith in our nation’s future, and truly believe that with the relaunch of our nation’s shuttle program, we should honor the occasion, as well as the dawning *new* "Morning In America" once Vice President Bush and Senator Quayle are elected to office! If you’ll sign this executive order, it’d allow us to unfurl a banner proclaiming, uh, a bold new era for all the nation to see!

REAGAN: Well...I don’t know...though if you’re concerned about the shuttle launch, you may be interested in knowing that we around here have reason to be concerned over the possibility of...[Looks around the room] *sabotage* on this mission!

PINKY: Sabotage? Wouldn’t that put a crimp in your plan, Br--[Brain clasps his hand over Pinky’s snout, shutting him up]

BRAIN: [Still holding Pinky’s nose] Sabotage?! [Legitimately surprised] Who would want to sabotage the shuttle mission? Our nation’s future manned space exploration efforts may lie in its success! Especially in light of the Challenger accident...

REAGAN: I know, I know...but we have reason to suspect as such, nonetheless, from our agents! For all we know, they may be Soviet agents, or somesuch...either way, I’m not taking any chances!

BILLIE: But what do you plan to do? And, for that matter, why are you telling us all this?

REAGAN: I’ll arrange for the best of security for this matter...and, with your assistance, I’d like *you* to accompany him on this mission as well! Given that you seem like nice enough folks and all...anyway, if all goes well, you’ll have your banner unfurled, Mr. Brain, for all the nation to see!

BRAIN: Really?! *YES*! Mr. President, you have a deal! [The President shakes Brain’s hand, gently] Now then, who will be accompanying us on this mission?

REAGAN: Oh, you’ll see in a moment...

[The President presses a button on his desk, and a panel display of buttons pop up. The President looks wistfully at the controls, then presses a shiny, red button in the middle of the display.]

[Cut to a pleasant-looking, two-story home in the rural town of Smallville, Kansas; a rural/streetside mailbox reads "The Kents". Fading into the home’s interior, we see that a lamp sitting on an end table on the house’s second floor is blinking on and off, signaling that the Boy of Steel is needed by the President himself...cut to the Kents, whose adopted Kryptonian son is swiftly changing clothes as they speak...]

SUPERBOY: I’ve gotta go, Mom and Dad...I’m being signaled by President Reagan!

MA KENT: My goodness! Whatever could the president want? [Pauses] Another "Just Say No" TV special of the First Lady’s?

PA KENT: Handing you *another* ceremonial jar of jelly beans?

[Zip pan to a closet in Clark’s room, which we see is bursting with jars of jelly beans; the door looks as if it’s about to come off its hinges...zip pan back to the Kents...]

SUPERBOY: [Glancing at his closet via X-ray vision, looking a bit displeased] Hmph...wonder if the Smallville Orphanage could use a massive donation of candy for next Easter...but anyway, I’ll see what it is the President wants in a moment or two...and don’t worry, I’ll be back in time for dinner!

PA KENT: Good luck, son! [The Kents wave goodbye, as Superboy zips out of the house at super-speed...]

MA KENT: [Looking towards the direction of Clark’s room] Hmm...well, at least with all those jars, I won’t have to bother buying any to do this winter’s canning....

[Fade back to the Oval Office, where we soon see streaking into the room is none other than...]


REAGAN: (Whistles) Very expedient arrival, young man...

SUPERBOY: Actually, I’d have been here sooner, sir, but I had to prevent *two* muggings at super-speed on the way here! May I ask why I’ve been summoned, sir?

REAGAN: Superboy, as you know, the shuttle launch is of significant importance to our nation’s future space exploration efforts...and I’d be honored if you’d be willing to keep an eye over it for any potential sabotage efforts!

SUPERBOY: Sabotage? Are you sure there’s a strong possibility for saboteurs, sir? It doesn’t seem too likely to me...

REAGAN: Well, our sources seem to indicate otherwise quite *strongly*...[Pauses] Say, would you like some jelly beans? I really like jelly beans...

SUPERBOY: Uh...no thank you, Mr. President...but about the shuttle mission?

REAGAN: Oh, yes...we need to make sure that this mission doesn’t fall prey to what may be a foreign sabotage effort! Sure, the Russkies are making big gains towards glasnost and all, but still, you never know...[Pauses] Um...would anyone *else* care for some jelly beans?

PINKY: Ooh! Ooh! I would! *NARF*! [Grabs some more jelly beans, and begins chowing down; Billie does the same...Brain just rolls his eyes]

SUPERBOY: No thanks *again*, Mr. President. But shouldn’t this be a job the Secret Service, FBI, or NASA security could handle?

REAGAN: I’m afraid not... [Nervous] not after those, uh... "budget reductions" I made to NASA’s budget for this year...as well as a few *other* areas, I suppose...

SUPERBOY: Uh...I see...very well, I’m sure my presence there will scare off any potential saboteurs!

REAGAN: No; I’d prefer that you not be seen at all! This is America’s chance to show to the world that all aspects of our space program are back on solid ground, *including* security, and I don’t want it to appear that we needed any sort of "big brother" to hold our hand! Please keep your actions as discreet as possible...

SUPERBOY: Whatever you say, Mr. President...is there anything else I should know?

REAGAN: I’d like these three great Americans to accompany you on this mission...if it’s a success, I’m allowing them to have this or a future shuttle crew unfurl a banner of Mr. Brain’s in space, promoting a "new morning in America"...[Realizes something] ...unless I cut the budget for *banner production*, too... [Shuffles through some papers] Um...are you *sure* you don’t want any jelly beans?

SUPERBOY: [Nervous] Um, *definitely* no thank you, Mr. President...uh, [To the mice] why don’t we get going?

REAGAN: Very well...and good luck to all of you! [Glances through some papers] Ooooh, now *there’s* something that I haven’t cut *yet*...I’m *pretty* certain that toxic nuclear waste and control rod storage can do with 98% less funding...

[Cut to the mice and Superboy, who look rather disturbed by all this...]

BRAIN and BILLIE: [In unison to each other, with disturbed looks on their faces] Be afraid...be *very* afraid...

[The Smallville Wonder takes the mice in his hand, and the quartet speed out of the President’s office, heading off for Cape Canaveral...in flight, we see Superboy’s lost in thought...]

SUPERBOY: [Thinking] I know I’ve never seen her before, but these two guys look familiar...as if I’ve met them somewhere before! But *where*? Hmmm... [Probing his super-memory, Superboy tries to recall where he’s met Pinky and Brain before, but after nothing immediately pops up within the last 10 years’ worth of memories, he decides to give up] Oh, well...maybe I’ve seen them on TV somewhere...unless they’ve been *canceled*...[The youth, with mice in tow, streaks on...]

[Pan over to the mice...]

PINKY: Whee-he-he-haha! This is more fun than the merry-go-round we have back in the lab, Brain!

BRAIN: That’s the *centrifuge*, Pinky...and I keep telling you, it *isn’t* a ride!

PINKY: [Pouts] Oh, Brain, why do you have to be such a kill, kill..uh...time-killer?

BRAIN: The word is "killjoy", and if being a killjoy means putting aside your pointless pursuits in favor of achieving our goals, then so be it!

PINKY: Oh, we’re not *that* pointless in our pursuits, Brain...remember that time last week when we did that thing, at that...place?

BRAIN: You mean when we were standing in line at the *supermarket*?!

PINKY: Oooh, yes, Brain! Those tabloids at the checkout were hilarious! I mean, those headlines about the *stock market* and *international affairs*---really!

BRAIN: [Annoyed] Pinky, that was the *New York Times*...

PINKY: See? Who’d believe in a paper with such a name like *that*? I mean, *please*...

BRAIN: Pinky, I believe *this* act will make the headlines of Sports Illustrated’s *boxing* section... [Brain whaps Pinky on the head]

SUPERBOY: [To Billie] Um...is this *normal* for those two, ma’am?

BILLIE: [Rolling her eyes] ‘Fraid so... [To Pinky] Are you all right, Pinky?

PINKY: [Still in a bit of a daze] Ask me when all the pretty planets stop spinning...*POIT*...

BILLIE: [Rubs his head] There, there, Pinky...[Wraps her arms around him] Now how do you feel?

PINKY: Um...somewhat less chilly, *NARF*?

BILLIE: [Giggles softly] Isn’t he the greatest?

SUPERBOY: [Smirking slightly] A regular Patrick Swayze...

[The quartet streak on through the sky, toward their ultimate destination...]

[Cut to Cape Canaveral, where we see the space shuttle’s on the launch pad, prepared for launch...the quartet land somewhere near the Kennedy Space Center, behind some bushes...]

SUPERBOY: We’re here...all right, any ideas where a potential saboteur might be?

BRAIN: None, I admit...hmm...Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain...but what if Bobby McFerrin *himself* is worried about something?

BRAIN: If I were him, I’d be worried about having a one-hit singing career...but that isn’t it! We need to lure our potential saboteur or saboteurs into a trap of some sort...any ideas?

PINKY: Uh...I know! We rename the whole cape "Cape Kennedy" again, then once everyone starts protesting against the name change, the saboteur’s sure to protest with them! Uh...or not, POIT!

BILLIE: Nice try, Pinky, but I don’t think there’d be time to do *that*...hmm...let me think...

SUPERBOY: Hmm...I know! I could fly back home to Smallville at super-speed, get one of my Superboy robots, fly it back here, and trap the saboteurs by making them believe I’m in two places at once!

BRAIN: [Screams] *YAAAARGH*!

PINKY: [Laughs] *WAHAHAHAHA*! [Falls onto his back laughing, with Billie doing so as well; Brain does a *really* fast burn, then reaches down, and flips Pinky’s lower lip over the top of his head...Superboy merely looks confused]

SUPERBOY: [Surprised] Um...what was *that* all about?

BRAIN: [Calming down] Sorry...it’s just that hearing the phrase "two places at once" *does* something to me...though for the life of me, I can’t recall *why*...

SUPERBOY: It’s just as well; I was going to pull that bit on a villain called the Mechanical Master back in Smallville this one time, but never got the chance, and so I figured it’d be worth trying to pull for *real* this ti... [Trails off, as he sees Brain doing a fast burn again.]

PINKY: [Waves his arms around wildly] Mph! Mph-mph! Mmf! [Pinky yanks down on his lip, freeing his face]

BILLIE: [Stops giggling, gets off the ground] Eggy, I have an idea how to lure those thugs out into the open! Wait here, everyone...

[Billie races off...soon, we hear over a P.A. system a voice that resembles Billie’s "voice-controlled" tone from "Brain Noir"...]

BILLIE’S VOICE: All shuttle maintenance personnel, please report to shuttle hanger "D"...that is all... [We soon see the female rodent rejoin the group]

SUPERBOY: Very impressive...how’d you do that?

BILLIE: Ah, I just spliced into the sound system and broadcast my own, ahem, "breath-controlled" voice over the P.A. system...if my guess is right, the *real* saboteurs won’t show up at that crewmen meeting, and from there, we can simply capture them sooner than you can say...

PINKY: ...the Cat and Bunny Warneroonie Super Looney Big Cartoonie Show? POIT! [All stare at Pinky oddly]

BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow] Pinky, what on Earth does *that* mean?!

PINKY: Um...does *what* mean?

BRAIN: (Sighs) Never mind...

SUPERBOY: (Chuckles) Gee...you guys are the strangest, yet oddly most interesting partners I could team up with! But I guess we’d better get going to the hanger... [They zoom off...]

[Cut to some time later, at the hanger...we see the place is deserted, save for a gathering of maintenance personnel. We see hidden outside the hanger our heroes...]

BILLIE: I think we’ve waited long enough...Superboy, can you scan the grounds to see if there’s any "stragglers"?

SUPERBOY: No problem... [Superboy does as Billie asks, using his X-ray vision] Hmm...nothing yet...wait! There’re several maintenance crewmen by the shuttle on the launchpad...and they seem to be messing with some sort of wiring on the rocket boosters...

BRAIN: Then we’d best get going, and stop them before it’s too late!

[The heroes take off at super-speed...]

[Cut to the shuttle pad, where we see the stray crewmen are hunched over some wiring...]

STRAY CREWMAN: Is everything all set?

STRAY CREWMEN #2: Yeah...with what we’ve done to this engine, as soon as the shuttle is launched, the boss’ plan will go off accordin’ to plan!

[Just then, Superboy, with the lab mice in his hand, zoom up behind the crewmen at super-speed...]

SUPERBOY: Hey, Mr. Goodwrench...need a hand?

[The crewmen, startled, scream and drop their tools...]

PINKY: [Laughing hysterically] *WAHAHAHA*! Right behind ‘em ! *TROZ*!

BILLIE: [Giggling as well] Yeah...whatta riot! [Notes the seriousness of the situation, as well as Brain’s fast-burn facial expression] Um...I mean...say, what do you guys think you’re doin’ here? They called all the shuttle maintenance crew to the hanger!

STRAY "CREWMAN": Well, I’m afraid, missy, that we had much better things to do...

SUPERBOY: Yeah, right...such as...?

STRAY "CREWMAN" #2: Such as, ohhh....disabling the rocket booster engines so that this thing doesn’t get off the ground, thus ruining the U.S.’s space program *forever*?

SUPERBOY: Ummm...I don’t think so...the only place you guys’ll be going is to *prison*!

PINKY: Oooh, nice snappy patter, Superboy! *NARF*!

SUPERBOY: Thanks...I’ve been practicing...

CREWMAN/THUG: Ha! You think I’m going to be stopped by some *kid*? [They all whip out pistols] Have a bit of *lead* in your diet!

CREWMAN/THUG #2: Yeah...though y’know what they say...too much lead might cause *deadly* brain damage, heh-heh...

BRAIN: [Gagging] This cliched dialogue is making me nauseous...

SUPERBOY: You’re telling *me*...

[Superboy stands perfectly still, still holding the lab mice in his hand. The thugs start firing, but all their bullets ricochet off the Boy of Steel’s body, natch. They stop firing, leaving Superboy unharmed as usual, along with the lab mice...well, two of them, anyway...]

BRAIN: [With a bit of an indentation in his hair] [Flatly] Any more closer, and this would be *extremely* painful...[Shakes his head, and his hair goes back to normal]

SUPERBOY: [Setting the mice down] Looks like you’ll have to perform repair work for a federal prison somewhere from now on, "friends"...

THUG: Um...is this going to hurt?

THUG #2: Uh...yeah, I think so.

THUG: Aw, fooey.

[Superboy casually walks over to the thugs, hoists one of them up, and proceeds to punch him out. He does so to several of the other thugs, and then hoists the last thug up...]

SUPERBOY: OK, spill it...who’re you working for?

BRAIN: *Yes*, do tell...

THUG: Uh...I-I can’t tell! He’ll be so *angry*!

SUPERBOY: Hmph...well, I’ll be even *more* angry if you *don’t* tell! So, spill it!

THUG: Um...OK, OK! We’re all workin’ for this guy named...the Launcher!

PINKY: Um...you’re working for Apple Computer? POIT!

THUG: No...he’s this guy who plans on startin’ his own privately-run space launch company! He figures if the main competition’s eliminated, then the nation’s corporations won’t have a choice *but* to turn to his company for manned space exploration! He’s even plannin’ on installing a space station hotel/casino once business picks up...beatin’ out that planned International Space Station thingamajig by *years*!

BILLIE: Hmph...*profit*. Don’t these megalomaniacal corporate execs think of anything *else*?!

BRAIN: Apparently *not*...

PINKY: Unless one counts airing innovative, bold new television programs like that "Family Matters" show! *Hahaha*! Oooh, I’ll bet that "Urkel" kid’s got a great future in store!

BRAIN: *Indeed*...I think for the sake of my desired goal--er, the goals of the nation *and* of future manned space flight, we’d best take this loser down! [To the thug] Tell us...where’s his hideout?

THUG: Uhh....right here! [Reaches into his pocket, and hands Brain a business card]

BRAIN: [Reading the card] Hmm... "LaunchCo Industries...Handling your space-based spy needs since 1987...ask about our ‘2 spy satellites for the price of one’ offer"...

THUG: N-now please...can I get down now?

SUPERBOY: Um...OK! [Picks up all the thugs, and takes them away at super-speed...very shortly, Superboy returns]

SUPERBOY: Just dropped them off at a nearby police department...uh...and did a few other "things" while I was at it...

[Superboy flashes back to what "else" he did during that brief a time, at super-speed: dropped the crooks off, saved two people from being run down by Mack trucks, prevented a Tennessee valley town from being flooded, went back to Smallville, Kansas to do his homework for school the next day, and picked up something to eat at a McDonald’s...fade back to the present...]

BRAIN: Very well...now then, let’s set off for our nemesis’ hideout...

PINKY: Um, Brain?

BRAIN: Yes, Pinky?

PINKY: Don’t we have to do something very important first?

BRAIN: Like *what*?

PINKY: Like, ohh...fix the shuttle engines so that *all* the rocket-booster-thingies blast off at once?

[They all turn to the miswired rocket engine...and notice a clock that’s ticking down to 10 seconds before liftoff...]

BRAIN: [Flatly] This...doesn’t bode well.

BILLIE: Those thugs must’ve disabled the systems so that Mission Control isn’t suspecting anything’s *wrong*! And with this sabotage effort only halfway completed, just one of the rocket engines is only partially disabled, and won’t provide enough force for a safe liftoff! Superboy, can you---?

[Superboy races over, and attempts to fix it at super-speed...however, they all see that the clock’s ticked down to zero. The main and booster rocket engines begin to fire...]

BRAIN: The shuttle---it’s launching! Quick, we must *do* something, *fast*!

SUPERBOY: [Drops the wiring] I have an idea! Just don’t tell the President about any of this...

[Superboy places the mice in the collar of his costume’s shirt, and races to underneath the malfunctioning booster rocket at super-speed, as music similar to the "Superman:TAS" theme plays in the background. Utilizing his super-strength, Superboy begins to generate lift to the sabotaged rocket booster, and, hidden by the billowing clouds of smoke and the blast of the malfunctioning rocket engine, manages to help hoist the shuttle off the ground...we see that he’s straining all the while. From a distance, we see that the shuttle appears to be blasting off from the ground as if normally, while a crowd of spectators all cheer...pull back from this scene to show that President Reagan’s watching this launch on a television set in the Oval Office...]

REAGAN: Oooh, goody...it looks as if that nice young lad and his friends have managed to save the mission! I’ll have to remember to give them an extra-large helping of jelly beans once they get back...isn’t this great, George?

[Pan over to see that Vice President Bush and Senator Dan Quayle are standing towards the back of the room...]

BUSH: Yes...all *is* going well...and once the elections are over, *I’ll* be the man in charge...soon, that job will be *MINE*! [Orchestra music: *Dum-Dum-Dummmmm*....a quick zoom-in on Bush’s face shows him shifting the pupils of his eyes back and forth rapidly...]

QUAYLE: Yeah...and once *I* become vice president, I think I’ll be hitting the, uh, big time, too! Ha! [Orchestra music: Dum-dum-dummmm....Quayle starts to do the "shifting pupils" bit as well, but is cut off by Bush...]

BUSH: Stop *that*! Only *I* may do that shifting...pupil...eye...thing! Besides, *nobody*’s paying you to *think*!

QUAYLE: Awww.... [Walks off, dejected-looking]

[Cut back to the shuttle, as it continues its skyward journey...soon, the main and side shuttle boosters fall away, as they normally do, and fall into the Atlantic Ocean...after splashing down, we see the Heroes emerge from under the water, some distance away, all looking fairly fine, though wet...]

PINKY: *Hahaha*! That was *fun*, Brain! Can we do it again?!

BRAIN: [Spits out water] Not *likely*, Pinky...I’m just grateful that Superboy’s invulnerable body shielded us from being fried to a crisp...

BILLIE: I’ll splash down with you *anytime*, Pinky... [Touches Pinky’s arm, as Brain gags]

SUPERBOY: [Pants] *Whew*...it’s not every day someone’s hair gets blow-dried by malfunctioning rocket booster engines...anyway, we’d better get to this crook’s headquarters and end this thing once and for all!

MICE: Right!

[Superboy picks the mice up, and they zoom off for the address on the card...namely, someplace in New York City...fade to a sleek office building, and fade into the interior of one of the offices on the top floor. We see the brains of this whole operation, the "Launcher" himself, speaking into a phone.]

LAUNCHER: Well, I don’t care *what* it takes! I’ll sabotage the *next* shuttle flight if we have to! No matter what, I’m not letting the business opportunity of a lifetime slip through! [Listens to a response over the phone] Feh...I know...lousy invulnerable *brat*...I can only imagine mainly flyin’ around some jerkwater town in Kansas would explain why he has to be such a goody-goody...[Gets up, begins pacing around the room, carrying the phone base with him] I mean, why would someone with such *power* wish to use them for something as pabulum as saving kittens, or stopping tornadoes? That kid could easily rent out his services as a weapon of mass destruction for the United States Army, or use even a small *fraction* of his talents to become a star athlete, or use his supersenses as a spy or somesuch, and all the while becoming rich beyond his wildest dreams! Money *and* superior power---who could ask for anything else? [Listens to the phone] True...I suppose he *does* feel he’s doing the world some sort of great morally-driven service...but still, *why* couldn’t he be of service for more lucrative reasons?! ...uh-huh....very well...all right, then, I’ll talk to you later...goodbye! [Hangs up]

LAUNCHER: [Sitting back down in his chair] *Sigh*...I must find a way to keep this operation going! If I don’t, I may have to turn to some other way of making a quick buck...perhaps investing in those personal computers that everyone seems to be buying into these days...

[Suddenly, a blue-and-red figure streaks into the room...we see that the figure’s none other than Superboy, with the lab mice in tow...]

SUPERBOY: [Raising an eyebrow, with his arms crossed] Won’t it be kind of hard to invest in anything when you’re stuck behind prison bars?

PINKY: [Whispering] Nice way to fix up that heavily-repeated "you’re going behind bars" line...

SUPERBOY: [Whispering back] Thanks...

LAUNCHER: Ha! You may have managed to somehow save the shuttle mission, Boy of Steel, but you *won’t* be around to pull it again next time! [Glances at the mice] Or *those* guys either, whoever *they* are...

PINKY: Um...I’m Pinky, this is Billie, and *this* is Brain! Pleased to meet you! *NARF*!

LAUNCHER: [Sarcastically] *Charmed*, I’m sure...

[Launcher presses a button on his desk...instantly, we see a large laser-like weapon drop down from the ceiling...it targets the Boy of Steel.]

SUPERBOY: Ahhh, I don’t think so... [Superboy tries to move out of the way at super-speed, but the weapon fires, and manages to strike the youth anyway with a blue-colored energy beam. Superboy collapses on the floor, gritting his teeth in pain...]

LAUNCHER: Ha! This little device I’m planning on peddling to the munitions black market, Super-loser, the "Atomizer"...it’s strong enough to reduce a small mountain to a pile of rubble---but testing it on *you* to see if it works isn’t a bad idea! [He grins slyly, as Superboy lays on the floor, immobilized. Pan over to the mice, who look greatly worried. The Launcher walks over to the mice, and grabs them.]

LAUNCHER: Hmm...guess I’ll have to dispose of you three, as well...may as well be *thorough* about all this...

PINKY: [Whispering] Brain, what’ll we do?! Superboy needs our help! *NARF*!

BRAIN: [Whispering] Don’t worry; I have an idea! [Brain bares his front teeth, and bites down hard on the Launcher’s hand. The Launcher yelps in pain, and shakes his hand, releasing the mice. The mice scurry over to the control panel, and begin pressing various buttons. The Launcher is about to grab the mice, but sees that the Atomizer is changing direction away from Superboy, and is now aiming towards the ceiling. The laser beam slices off a piece of the ceiling hanging over Launcher’s head, resulting in a pile of plaster raining down on Launcher’s head...he’s quickly down and out for the count. Pressing a few more buttons, Brain manages to turn the device off.]

SUPERBOY: [Walking over to the mice] Y-you did it! I don’t know how to thank you guys for saving my life...*and* the United States space program, to boot! [Shakes Brain’s hand] I’m sure the president will be happy to hear about this...

BRAIN: [Thinking] As am *I*, Superboy...as am *I*...*YES*! Soon, my plan for stratospheric self-promotion will be underway...even if not on *this* shuttle-flight, certainly the *next* one...

[Superboy slams his fist down in the control panel, which short-circuits and destroys the laser weapon. Taking the still-unconscious Launcher over one shoulder, and gripping the mice in his hand, the Boy of Steel takes off for Washington, D.C....]

[Fade to sometime later, in the Oval Office...we see Superboy, the lab mice, President Reagan, Vice President Bush, and Senator Quayle are all gathered together. Reagan looks rather pleased...]

REAGAN: Congratulations, all of you! [Shakes Superboy’s hand] I can’t thank you enough...and I’ll make sure the secretary gives you each a jar of your very own jelly beans upon leaving the office!

SUPERBOY: Gee, um, thanks, Mr. President...

BILLIE: Yeah, thanks!

REAGAN: One can never have enough jelly beans, I say... [Superboy flashes a brief, wide grin on his face]

PINKY: Oooh, a whole *jar* of jelly beans of my *own*! *NARF*! This is almost as good as that banner-thingy you wanted launched, Brain!

BRAIN: *Almost* as good, Pinky...um, Mr. President, about the banner...

REAGAN: Ah, yes...well, Mr. Brain, I’m afraid there’s been a bit of a change on that front...I’m afraid I can’t have your banner launched, after all.

BRAIN: [Surprised] *WHAT*?!

REAGAN: I’m afraid so...seems that word leaked out about [Makes quote marks with fingers] a "surprise ad campaign" being launched from space, that’d "clutter the sky"...as if all those satellites we have up already aren’t cluttering it enough...anyway, the backlash has been so severe, I can’t allow you to have your banner launched. Besides, George needs the support for the election this fall, and such...

BILLIE: There’s no way the press could’ve found out about that so quickly! Did somebody here leak it to the press?

[All pause for a moment, and then slowly stare at Senator Quayle...]

QUAYLE: Gee, uh...[Moans] Awww, I’m sorry, guys...I thought that it’d be a great way to boost our campaign chances by tellin’ the press we were supporting the commercialization of space travel! But I guess people prefer looking at the sky the way it is, with the plain ol’ moon and all...[Puts his hands in his pocket, and pouts] Hmph...

BUSH: [Pats Quayle on the back] There, there, Danny...how about we go have some nice cocoa, and we’ll discuss last-minute attack ad strategies, all right?

QUAYLE: W-with little marshmallows?

BUSH: *Yes*, with little marshmallows...and maybe some *pork rinds* too, now that I think of it...

QUAYLE: Well, OK... [the 1988 GOP presidential candidate team exit the office, as do the lab mice and Superboy...]

[Cut to a darkened room in some unknown location, where we see someone’s speaking into a phone...he sounds rather irate.]

FIGURE: That bungler! He allowed himself to be captured by some flying *brat* so easily! He should’ve taken better precautions...oh, very well. Arrange to have the atomizer plans placed in storage for now; they might prove to be useful to us someday. [Hangs up the phone] A minor setback...but I’m not one to get discouraged *that* easily from my ultimate goal...*GLOBAL CONQUEST*!

[The figure steps into the light, and we see it’s none other than...Wally Faust, albeit looking 12 years’ younger...his hairline looks less receded, and he has fewer facial wrinkles, but is still dressed the same way he does in the present.]

FAUST: Someday, when the world least expects it...the world will see a *new* order---an all-powerful world order---emerge...the *CIRCLE*! [Maniacal laughter emanates from Faust, as the "Man From Washington" episode’s Circle theme music (sans chanting) builds to a crescendo...]

[Cut to the outside of the White House...we see the lab mice and Superboy clutching jars filled with jelly beans...Brain looks rather down in the dumps.]

BRAIN: [Looking dejected] Hmph...my plan is ruined...I don’t know *what* you guys see in me...[Kicks a small pebble lying on the ground]

PINKY: Um...a really smart short guy with a great big head on his shoulders filled with all sorts of stuff? *POIT*!

BILLIE: Yeah...don’t let it get you down, Eggy...we’ll still be here to back ya up for next time...

[Brain perks up a bit at hearing this]

SUPERBOY: I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you, Brain...but I’m sure there’s always the future...

PINKY: Oooh, with computers everywhere and people making a fast buck off a computer-based information network and the *son* of George Bush running for the presidency and you a full-grown, 29-year-old Superman doing full-grown superheroic stuff in a major east-coast city somewhere? *NARF*!

BILLIE: [Laughs] Oh, Pinky...

PINKY: Well...it *could* happen! *NARF*!

SUPERBOY: [Chuckles] Um, yeah, maybe so, Pinky...[*Very* gently shakes Pinky and Brain’s hands, and kisses Billie’s] Goodbye, all of you! It was nice working with you! [Superboy takes off for Smallville, as all wave goodbye...]

[Fade to Smallville, a few hours later; we see that a youthful Clark Kent has managed to pack at super-speed into boxes labeled "To the Smallville Orphanage" all the jars of jelly beans in his closet, including the current jar given to him...]

CLARK: [Sealing up the last crate] There! That’s the last of them! Now, to get rid of these things once and for *all*...and *soon*, my closet will once again be *empty*!

[Clark’s about to do so, but suddenly hears his mother yelling up the stairs...]

MA KENT: Clark? Could you come here for a--

[Clark instantly appears in front of his mother, with a bit of a breeze...she looks annoyed.]

MA KENT :What’d I tell you about using your super-speed in the house?

CLARK: Oops...sorry, Ma. You called?

MA KENT: Yes! Uh, you know that mission you did for the President?

CLARK: Uh...*yes*...

MA KENT: Well, uh...you might want to take a look at this newspaper...[Hands Clark a copy of the Smallville Times-Reader; Clark reads the main headline...]


[A photograph of Pres. Reagan and Vice-Pres. Bush, standing next to a large stack of jelly beans]

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - President Reagan and Vice President Bush wish to honor the Boy of Steel with the colossal present of 1,000 jars of jelly beans. Reagan claims that "that nice young man must like candy; all children love candy", while Vice President Bush insists this 1,000 jar prize has "absolutely nothing to do with my 1,000 points of light" slogan despite the strapping of penlights to each jar, or to his presidential campaign. Meanwhile..."

[Clark slaps his forehead, and moans.]

[Fade from Smallville, and back to Acme Labs...we see the mice are busying themselves in what they were engaged in at the beginning of this story; however, we see that Billie and Pinky have gorged themselves on the President’s jelly beans, with their stomachs visibly extended, while seated in front of the TV, watching the news...]

ANCHORMAN: ...in other news tonight, President Reagan expresses his gratitude over the success of our nation’s re-entry into space exploration! He wishes to thank anonymous friends of his, particularly. Vice Presidential candidate Dan Quayle also wishes to apologize for trying to promote commercialization of the "final frontier", citing critics of this proposal as being "a bunch of unimaginative sky purists"...and finally, in Smallville, Kansas, the Boy of Steel himself, Superboy, is offering his presidential prize of 1,000 jars of jelly beans *plus* "bonus jars", as he puts it, to the public at large. Already, he’s attempted to donate the jars to the Smallville Orphanage as well as several dozen other orphanages, but all have refused, citing a lack of storage space. So, Superboy is offering the jars to any and all, first come, first serve, for free.

[Cut to a shot of an annoyed-looking Kryptonian youth...he’s seated at a stand that resembles Lucy-from-Peanuts’ psychiatry booth, with a sign reading "Jelly Beans and Penlights, Free...the Superhero Is In". Behind him is an enormous pile of jelly bean jars and penlights.]

[Cut back to the anchorman]

ANCHORMAN: Heh, heh...I suppose even a Superboy can have his fill on sweets...perhaps they’d give him a super-*toothache*, necessitating a super...dentist. Or...some other super...related...medical...aid. [Clears throat] That’s our news...good night. [Closing music plays, as we see the anchorman walk off-camera, and begin yelling at the news writers over making him say that awful "super-dentist" bit...cut to the lab mice.]

PINKY: Gee, wonder if we should take some of those jars from Superboy... [Hiccups, from being stuffed with the sweet confection]

BILLIE: [Staring at the half-filled jar of jelly beans] Hmm....*naaaah*. [Hiccups as well]

BRAIN: [Walking over to the group] I think *not*, as well; we’ve already have had *more* than enough excitement for one day...

PINKY: Oh, yes, especially when in thanks for our helping him on this mission, he sent over Krypto the Super-dog for us to play with! *WAHAHAHA*!

BRAIN: [Wiping off his head with a rag] *Don’t* remind me...besides, I’m still covered in Kryptonian *doggie-drool*... [Walking over to the TV, turning it off] Come, Pinky, Billie...we must prepare for tomorrow night...

PINKY: Why, Brain, what’re we gonna do tomorrow night? [Gasps] Eat this whole jar of jelly beans in one sitting? [Hiccups]

BILLIE: Watch a very special, *romantic* episode of "Miami Vice"? [Hiccups]

BRAIN: *Nooooo*...the same thing we do *every* night, with or *without* necessitating superheroic or presidential help: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

[Cut to an outside shot of the Lab, as the closing orchestra music starts up...]

SINGERS: They’re Pinky, Billie, and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

[We hear the sound of Pinky and Billie hiccuping in unison, then the final orchestra notes strike, signaling...]

Pinky/the Launcher/Dan Quayle: Rob Paulsen
Brain/President Reagan/Vice President Bush: Maurice LaMarche
Billie: Tress MacNeille
Superboy: Tim Daly
Martha "Ma" Kent: Shelley Fabares
Jonathan "Pa" Kent: Mike Farrell
Misc. Crewmen: Various
TV Anchorman: Jim Cummings
Wally Faust: Jeff Glenn Bennett

Pinky, the Brain, Billie, Acme Labs, Wally Faust, The Big Cartoonie Show are 2000 by Warner Bros., used without permission.

Superboy, Superman, Smallville, Ma Kent, Pa Kent 2000 DC Comics, used without permission.

Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.

The Launcher created by Brainatra.

McDonald’s 2000 McDonald’s Corp., used without permission.

"Ishtar" Columbia Pictures, used without permission.

"Roseanne", the "Cosby Show" Carsey-Werner Productions, used without permission.

"Family Ties" Paramount Studios, used without permission.

"Miami Vice" Universal Studios, used without permission.

"New" Coke Coca-Cola, Inc., used without permission.

Story partially inspired by: "Superboy’s Mystery Mission For President Kennedy", _Superboy_ (second series) #27, March 1982, written by Bob Rozakis.

Launcher’s Thugs Provided By:

The Launcher Will Be Back In:
the next Macintosh OS system upgrade

Krypto’s Personal Assistant:
Ace, the Bat-Hound

Where Superboy (wanted, but failed) to pull that "two places at once" bit:
(Quote: "Obviously, the Mechanical Master plans to outwit me by constantly using a two-pronged attack! However, with the help of a Superboy robot, I can be in two places at once!")
---"The Menace of the Mechanical Master!", _Superman Family_ #193, February 1979, written by Tom DeFalco

Superboy’s First Comics Appearance:
More Fun Comics #101, 1945

Gratuitous (But Not Too Obscure) 1980’s Pop Culture References Dedicated To:
Captain Caps

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