The 1980s: Reagan was president...the L.A. Lakers were the #1 team in
basketball..."Cosby" was the king of the airwaves...and in Smallville, Kansas,
there existed a youthful hero in Spandex known the world over as---SUPERBOY! Follow us on
this flashback to those yuppified, halcyon days of yesteryear, as we see the Boy of Steel
assisted on a mission of the utmost importance by a certain trio of genetically-altered
[Open onto the exterior of Acme Labs, at night...a caption at the bottom of the screen
reads "1988", the year this adventure takes place...fade into the interior of
the lab, where we find the mice engaged in their usual activities: Brain is engrossed in
his latest scheme, while Pinky and Billie are watching television, apparently the evening
ANCHORMAN: And so, the world rests easier tonight, knowing that this brave youth has
completed a mission of the utmost, heh-heh, "mercy": the disposal of several
million cases of unsold "Ishtar" promotional merchandise into a bottomless pit!
[We see footage of Superboy throwing a huge wad of dolls shaped to look like Dustin
Hoffman and camels into a giant gorge with a sign labeled "Bottomless Pit---Serving
your on-the-sly dumping needs since 1927"]
ANCHORMAN: The entertainment industry *and* an unentertained public thank the Boy of
Steel for this magnificent favor...thats our news for tonight. Please stay tuned for
a very special episode of "Roseanne"...good night.
[Cut to the lab mice...]
PINKY: [Wiping away a tear] Oooh, Im so proud of Superboy! Just think...a
17-year-old boy is allowed to violate various child labor and endangerment laws, all to
risk his neck doing experienced police officers job of fighting crime! And helping
to cover up a poor marketing decision of Hollywood execs, to boot? Whod have thunk
BILLIE: [Grinning] Um, yeah, Pinky...[Gets up, and walks over to Brain] So, Eggy,
whatcha got planned for tonight? Becoming guest stars on "Family Ties"?
PINKY: Tryin to get jobs as promising yuppie stockbrokers? [Imitates famous bit
from the movie "Wall Street"] Greed...is...goooood. *HAHAHA*!
BRAIN: *Noooo*...*this* is my plan: as you know, in several days, our nations
space program shall resume launching space shuttles, after the disastrous and tragic
PINKY: That was very sad, Brain...
BRAIN: Indeed it was, Pinky...a true tragedy. But if all goes well, our nation shall
witness not only the resumption of our space program, but also a *new* era in leadership!
PINKY: Are you planning on riding around in a tank as part of a national campaign?
BRAIN: Ive considered that, Pinky, but...no. Our plan is this: we shall go to
Washington, D.C., and ask President Reagan to sign this executive order [Holds up a piece
of paper] that will order the space shuttle crew, once in space, to unfurl a mile-wide
banner that reads "Brain is your rightful ruler"! Our impressed nations
denizens shall thus demand that *I* be elected president in the upcoming elections,
thereby allowing *me* to rise to power!
PINKY: Egad, *brilliant*, Brain! But, oh, no, wait---how will we convince President
Reagan to sign this? I mean, we arent exactly trying to peddle jelly beans, *NARF*!
BILLIE: Yeah...or for that matter, how will we even get the chance to *see* him?
BRAIN: Already taken care of...we shall pose as young, upwardly mobile Republican party
boosters, trying to convince Mr. Reagan that this banner is to promote with this historic
shuttle launch a "new morning in America"!
PINKY: But I thought there wasnt any mornings in space, Brain...being all dark
and empty and all...
BRAIN: Given the space between your *ears*, Pinky, I suppose youd certainly
*know*...now enough of this! Come, let us set off...
PINKY: ...to boldly go where no man---er, no *one*, has gone before?
BRAIN: (Sighs) Try to stay *sentient*, Pinky...
BILLIE: [Annoyed] Hey, dont insult Pinkys sentience, Eggy! I was just as
sentient as he was before that experiment boosted my intelligence a zillion-fold!
PINKY: Thanks, Billie! Ive never had anyone stand up for my sentry before...
BILLIE: [Giggling] Thats "sentience", silly!
PINKY: Oh, right, *TROZ*!
BRAIN: [Rolling his eyes] Indeed...now enough of this! Lets set off...for
[Cut from the lab, and to an overhead shot of Washington, D.C., as patriotic music
plays...we fade to a shot of the White House, and fade into the Oval Office, where seated
behind a desk is President Reagan himself...hes seen reading a book titled
"Everything Youve Always Wanted to Know About Deregulation (But Was Afraid to
Ask)". A secretary buzzes him over an intercom...]
SECRETARY: Mr. President? Theres two GOP party boosters here to see you...they
claim to be huge supporters of Vice President Bushs political campaign!
REAGAN: [Puts the book away] Very well...send them in.
[The mice walk in, wearing business suits, clutching briefcases, and looking very
yuppie-fied; Secret Service agents immediately surround the mice, sweep metal detectors
over them, etc. Soon, they cease their actions, leaving the mice looking slightly
REAGAN: Sorry I had to do that, but you know how it is when youre the leader of
the free world...[Notices their short stature] Um...perhaps youd care to climb up
onto my desk, Mr...
BRAIN: [Smoothing out his clothes] Um, of course...and the names Brain...uh, Lee
Iacocca Brain. These are my acquaintances, er, J. Danforth Pinky, and Marilyn Billie. Mr.
REAGAN: Whaddya know...those two have the same first names as that Senator Quayle kid
and his wife...[Shrugs] who knew? [Picking up a jar of jelly beans on his desk] Say, would
you care for some jelly beans? I really like jelly beans...
PINKY: Ooooh, jelly beans! [Pinky, as well as the other lab mice, climb onto the
Presidents desk. Pinky heads for the jelly bean jar, and grabs several jelly beans,
which he shoves into his mouth. He chews with a delighted look on his face, while Brain
stares at him sternly.]
BRAIN: Mr. President, my colleagues taste for confections aside, we wish to
discuss something of the utmost importance to us. [Pulls from his coat the made-up
executive order] As you know, we...uh...harbor a strong faith in our nations future,
and truly believe that with the relaunch of our nations shuttle program, we should
honor the occasion, as well as the dawning *new* "Morning In America" once Vice
President Bush and Senator Quayle are elected to office! If youll sign this
executive order, itd allow us to unfurl a banner proclaiming, uh, a bold new era for
all the nation to see!
REAGAN: Well...I dont know...though if youre concerned about the shuttle
launch, you may be interested in knowing that we around here have reason to be concerned
over the possibility of...[Looks around the room] *sabotage* on this mission!
PINKY: Sabotage? Wouldnt that put a crimp in your plan, Br--[Brain clasps his
hand over Pinkys snout, shutting him up]
BRAIN: [Still holding Pinkys nose] Sabotage?! [Legitimately surprised] Who would
want to sabotage the shuttle mission? Our nations future manned space exploration
efforts may lie in its success! Especially in light of the Challenger accident...
REAGAN: I know, I know...but we have reason to suspect as such, nonetheless, from our
agents! For all we know, they may be Soviet agents, or somesuch...either way, Im not
taking any chances!
BILLIE: But what do you plan to do? And, for that matter, why are you telling us all
REAGAN: Ill arrange for the best of security for this matter...and, with your
assistance, Id like *you* to accompany him on this mission as well! Given that you
seem like nice enough folks and all...anyway, if all goes well, youll have your
banner unfurled, Mr. Brain, for all the nation to see!
BRAIN: Really?! *YES*! Mr. President, you have a deal! [The President shakes
Brains hand, gently] Now then, who will be accompanying us on this mission?
REAGAN: Oh, youll see in a moment...
[The President presses a button on his desk, and a panel display of buttons pop up. The
President looks wistfully at the controls, then presses a shiny, red button in the middle
of the display.]
[Cut to a pleasant-looking, two-story home in the rural town of Smallville, Kansas; a
rural/streetside mailbox reads "The Kents". Fading into the homes
interior, we see that a lamp sitting on an end table on the houses second floor is
blinking on and off, signaling that the Boy of Steel is needed by the President
himself...cut to the Kents, whose adopted Kryptonian son is swiftly changing clothes as
SUPERBOY: Ive gotta go, Mom and Dad...Im being signaled by President
MA KENT: My goodness! Whatever could the president want? [Pauses] Another "Just
Say No" TV special of the First Ladys?
PA KENT: Handing you *another* ceremonial jar of jelly beans?
[Zip pan to a closet in Clarks room, which we see is bursting with jars of jelly
beans; the door looks as if its about to come off its hinges...zip pan back to the
SUPERBOY: [Glancing at his closet via X-ray vision, looking a bit displeased]
Hmph...wonder if the Smallville Orphanage could use a massive donation of candy for next
Easter...but anyway, Ill see what it is the President wants in a moment or two...and
dont worry, Ill be back in time for dinner!
PA KENT: Good luck, son! [The Kents wave goodbye, as Superboy zips out of the house at
MA KENT: [Looking towards the direction of Clarks room] Hmm...well, at least with
all those jars, I wont have to bother buying any to do this winters
[Fade back to the Oval Office, where we soon see streaking into the room is none other
THE MICE: *SUPERBOY*?!
REAGAN: (Whistles) Very expedient arrival, young man...
SUPERBOY: Actually, Id have been here sooner, sir, but I had to prevent *two*
muggings at super-speed on the way here! May I ask why Ive been summoned, sir?
REAGAN: Superboy, as you know, the shuttle launch is of significant importance to our
nations future space exploration efforts...and Id be honored if youd be
willing to keep an eye over it for any potential sabotage efforts!
SUPERBOY: Sabotage? Are you sure theres a strong possibility for saboteurs, sir?
It doesnt seem too likely to me...
REAGAN: Well, our sources seem to indicate otherwise quite *strongly*...[Pauses] Say,
would you like some jelly beans? I really like jelly beans...
SUPERBOY: Uh...no thank you, Mr. President...but about the shuttle mission?
REAGAN: Oh, yes...we need to make sure that this mission doesnt fall prey to what
may be a foreign sabotage effort! Sure, the Russkies are making big gains towards glasnost
and all, but still, you never know...[Pauses] Um...would anyone *else* care for some jelly
PINKY: Ooh! Ooh! I would! *NARF*! [Grabs some more jelly beans, and begins chowing
down; Billie does the same...Brain just rolls his eyes]
SUPERBOY: No thanks *again*, Mr. President. But shouldnt this be a job the Secret
Service, FBI, or NASA security could handle?
REAGAN: Im afraid not... [Nervous] not after those, uh... "budget
reductions" I made to NASAs budget for this year...as well as a few *other*
areas, I suppose...
SUPERBOY: Uh...I see...very well, Im sure my presence there will scare off any
REAGAN: No; Id prefer that you not be seen at all! This is Americas chance
to show to the world that all aspects of our space program are back on solid ground,
*including* security, and I dont want it to appear that we needed any sort of
"big brother" to hold our hand! Please keep your actions as discreet as
SUPERBOY: Whatever you say, Mr. President...is there anything else I should know?
REAGAN: Id like these three great Americans to accompany you on this mission...if
its a success, Im allowing them to have this or a future shuttle crew unfurl a
banner of Mr. Brains in space, promoting a "new morning in
America"...[Realizes something] ...unless I cut the budget for *banner production*,
too... [Shuffles through some papers] Um...are you *sure* you dont want any jelly
SUPERBOY: [Nervous] Um, *definitely* no thank you, Mr. President...uh, [To the mice]
why dont we get going?
REAGAN: Very well...and good luck to all of you! [Glances through some papers] Ooooh,
now *theres* something that I havent cut *yet*...Im *pretty* certain
that toxic nuclear waste and control rod storage can do with 98% less funding...
[Cut to the mice and Superboy, who look rather disturbed by all this...]
BRAIN and BILLIE: [In unison to each other, with disturbed looks on their faces] Be
afraid...be *very* afraid...
[The Smallville Wonder takes the mice in his hand, and the quartet speed out of the
Presidents office, heading off for Cape Canaveral...in flight, we see
Superboys lost in thought...]
SUPERBOY: [Thinking] I know Ive never seen her before, but these two guys look
familiar...as if Ive met them somewhere before! But *where*? Hmmm... [Probing his
super-memory, Superboy tries to recall where hes met Pinky and Brain before, but
after nothing immediately pops up within the last 10 years worth of memories, he
decides to give up] Oh, well...maybe Ive seen them on TV somewhere...unless
theyve been *canceled*...[The youth, with mice in tow, streaks on...]
[Pan over to the mice...]
PINKY: Whee-he-he-haha! This is more fun than the merry-go-round we have back in the
BRAIN: Thats the *centrifuge*, Pinky...and I keep telling you, it *isnt* a
PINKY: [Pouts] Oh, Brain, why do you have to be such a kill, kill..uh...time-killer?
BRAIN: The word is "killjoy", and if being a killjoy means putting aside your
pointless pursuits in favor of achieving our goals, then so be it!
PINKY: Oh, were not *that* pointless in our pursuits, Brain...remember that time
last week when we did that thing, at that...place?
BRAIN: You mean when we were standing in line at the *supermarket*?!
PINKY: Oooh, yes, Brain! Those tabloids at the checkout were hilarious! I mean, those
headlines about the *stock market* and *international affairs*---really!
BRAIN: [Annoyed] Pinky, that was the *New York Times*...
PINKY: See? Whod believe in a paper with such a name like *that*? I mean,
BRAIN: Pinky, I believe *this* act will make the headlines of Sports Illustrateds
*boxing* section... [Brain whaps Pinky on the head]
SUPERBOY: [To Billie] Um...is this *normal* for those two, maam?
BILLIE: [Rolling her eyes] Fraid so... [To Pinky] Are you all right, Pinky?
PINKY: [Still in a bit of a daze] Ask me when all the pretty planets stop
BILLIE: [Rubs his head] There, there, Pinky...[Wraps her arms around him] Now how do
PINKY: Um...somewhat less chilly, *NARF*?
BILLIE: [Giggles softly] Isnt he the greatest?
SUPERBOY: [Smirking slightly] A regular Patrick Swayze...
[The quartet streak on through the sky, toward their ultimate destination...]
[Cut to Cape Canaveral, where we see the space shuttles on the launch pad,
prepared for launch...the quartet land somewhere near the Kennedy Space Center, behind
SUPERBOY: Were here...all right, any ideas where a potential saboteur might be?
BRAIN: None, I admit...hmm...Pinky, are you pondering what Im pondering?
PINKY: I think so, Brain...but what if Bobby McFerrin *himself* is worried about
BRAIN: If I were him, Id be worried about having a one-hit singing career...but
that isnt it! We need to lure our potential saboteur or saboteurs into a trap of
some sort...any ideas?
PINKY: Uh...I know! We rename the whole cape "Cape Kennedy" again, then once
everyone starts protesting against the name change, the saboteurs sure to protest
with them! Uh...or not, POIT!
BILLIE: Nice try, Pinky, but I dont think thered be time to do
*that*...hmm...let me think...
SUPERBOY: Hmm...I know! I could fly back home to Smallville at super-speed, get one of
my Superboy robots, fly it back here, and trap the saboteurs by making them believe
Im in two places at once!
BRAIN: [Screams] *YAAAARGH*!
PINKY: [Laughs] *WAHAHAHAHA*! [Falls onto his back laughing, with Billie doing so as
well; Brain does a *really* fast burn, then reaches down, and flips Pinkys lower lip
over the top of his head...Superboy merely looks confused]
SUPERBOY: [Surprised] Um...what was *that* all about?
BRAIN: [Calming down] Sorry...its just that hearing the phrase "two places
at once" *does* something to me...though for the life of me, I cant recall
SUPERBOY: Its just as well; I was going to pull that bit on a villain called the
Mechanical Master back in Smallville this one time, but never got the chance, and so I
figured itd be worth trying to pull for *real* this ti... [Trails off, as he sees
Brain doing a fast burn again.]
PINKY: [Waves his arms around wildly] Mph! Mph-mph! Mmf! [Pinky yanks down on his lip,
freeing his face]
BILLIE: [Stops giggling, gets off the ground] Eggy, I have an idea how to lure those
thugs out into the open! Wait here, everyone...
[Billie races off...soon, we hear over a P.A. system a voice that resembles
Billies "voice-controlled" tone from "Brain Noir"...]
BILLIES VOICE: All shuttle maintenance personnel, please report to shuttle hanger
"D"...that is all... [We soon see the female rodent rejoin the group]
SUPERBOY: Very impressive...howd you do that?
BILLIE: Ah, I just spliced into the sound system and broadcast my own, ahem,
"breath-controlled" voice over the P.A. system...if my guess is right, the
*real* saboteurs wont show up at that crewmen meeting, and from there, we can simply
capture them sooner than you can say...
PINKY: ...the Cat and Bunny Warneroonie Super Looney Big Cartoonie Show? POIT! [All
stare at Pinky oddly]
BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow] Pinky, what on Earth does *that* mean?!
PINKY: Um...does *what* mean?
BRAIN: (Sighs) Never mind...
SUPERBOY: (Chuckles) Gee...you guys are the strangest, yet oddly most interesting
partners I could team up with! But I guess wed better get going to the hanger...
[They zoom off...]
[Cut to some time later, at the hanger...we see the place is deserted, save for a
gathering of maintenance personnel. We see hidden outside the hanger our heroes...]
BILLIE: I think weve waited long enough...Superboy, can you scan the grounds to
see if theres any "stragglers"?
SUPERBOY: No problem... [Superboy does as Billie asks, using his X-ray vision]
Hmm...nothing yet...wait! Therere several maintenance crewmen by the shuttle on the
launchpad...and they seem to be messing with some sort of wiring on the rocket boosters...
BRAIN: Then wed best get going, and stop them before its too late!
[The heroes take off at super-speed...]
[Cut to the shuttle pad, where we see the stray crewmen are hunched over some
STRAY CREWMAN: Is everything all set?
STRAY CREWMEN #2: Yeah...with what weve done to this engine, as soon as the
shuttle is launched, the boss plan will go off accordin to plan!
[Just then, Superboy, with the lab mice in his hand, zoom up behind the crewmen at
SUPERBOY: Hey, Mr. Goodwrench...need a hand?
[The crewmen, startled, scream and drop their tools...]
PINKY: [Laughing hysterically] *WAHAHAHA*! Right behind em ! *TROZ*!
BILLIE: [Giggling as well] Yeah...whatta riot! [Notes the seriousness of the situation,
as well as Brains fast-burn facial expression] Um...I mean...say, what do you guys
think youre doin here? They called all the shuttle maintenance crew to the
STRAY "CREWMAN": Well, Im afraid, missy, that we had much better things
SUPERBOY: Yeah, right...such as...?
STRAY "CREWMAN" #2: Such as, ohhh....disabling the rocket booster engines so
that this thing doesnt get off the ground, thus ruining the U.S.s space
SUPERBOY: Ummm...I dont think so...the only place you guysll be going is to
PINKY: Oooh, nice snappy patter, Superboy! *NARF*!
SUPERBOY: Thanks...Ive been practicing...
CREWMAN/THUG: Ha! You think Im going to be stopped by some *kid*? [They all whip
out pistols] Have a bit of *lead* in your diet!
CREWMAN/THUG #2: Yeah...though yknow what they say...too much lead might cause
*deadly* brain damage, heh-heh...
BRAIN: [Gagging] This cliched dialogue is making me nauseous...
SUPERBOY: Youre telling *me*...
[Superboy stands perfectly still, still holding the lab mice in his hand. The thugs
start firing, but all their bullets ricochet off the Boy of Steels body, natch. They
stop firing, leaving Superboy unharmed as usual, along with the lab mice...well, two of
BRAIN: [With a bit of an indentation in his hair] [Flatly] Any more closer, and this
would be *extremely* painful...[Shakes his head, and his hair goes back to normal]
SUPERBOY: [Setting the mice down] Looks like youll have to perform repair work
for a federal prison somewhere from now on, "friends"...
THUG: Um...is this going to hurt?
THUG #2: Uh...yeah, I think so.
THUG: Aw, fooey.
[Superboy casually walks over to the thugs, hoists one of them up, and proceeds to
punch him out. He does so to several of the other thugs, and then hoists the last thug
SUPERBOY: OK, spill it...whore you working for?
BRAIN: *Yes*, do tell...
THUG: Uh...I-I cant tell! Hell be so *angry*!
SUPERBOY: Hmph...well, Ill be even *more* angry if you *dont* tell! So,
THUG: Um...OK, OK! Were all workin for this guy named...the Launcher!
PINKY: Um...youre working for Apple Computer? POIT!
THUG: No...hes this guy who plans on startin his own privately-run space
launch company! He figures if the main competitions eliminated, then the
nations corporations wont have a choice *but* to turn to his company for
manned space exploration! Hes even plannin on installing a space station
hotel/casino once business picks up...beatin out that planned International Space
Station thingamajig by *years*!
BILLIE: Hmph...*profit*. Dont these megalomaniacal corporate execs think of
BRAIN: Apparently *not*...
PINKY: Unless one counts airing innovative, bold new television programs like that
"Family Matters" show! *Hahaha*! Oooh, Ill bet that "Urkel"
kids got a great future in store!
BRAIN: *Indeed*...I think for the sake of my desired goal--er, the goals of the nation
*and* of future manned space flight, wed best take this loser down! [To the thug]
Tell us...wheres his hideout?
THUG: Uhh....right here! [Reaches into his pocket, and hands Brain a business card]
BRAIN: [Reading the card] Hmm... "LaunchCo Industries...Handling your space-based
spy needs since 1987...ask about our 2 spy satellites for the price of one
THUG: N-now please...can I get down now?
SUPERBOY: Um...OK! [Picks up all the thugs, and takes them away at super-speed...very
shortly, Superboy returns]
SUPERBOY: Just dropped them off at a nearby police department...uh...and did a few
other "things" while I was at it...
[Superboy flashes back to what "else" he did during that brief a time, at
super-speed: dropped the crooks off, saved two people from being run down by Mack trucks,
prevented a Tennessee valley town from being flooded, went back to Smallville, Kansas to
do his homework for school the next day, and picked up something to eat at a
McDonalds...fade back to the present...]
BRAIN: Very well...now then, lets set off for our nemesis hideout...
PINKY: Um, Brain?
BRAIN: Yes, Pinky?
PINKY: Dont we have to do something very important first?
BRAIN: Like *what*?
PINKY: Like, ohh...fix the shuttle engines so that *all* the rocket-booster-thingies
blast off at once?
[They all turn to the miswired rocket engine...and notice a clock thats ticking
down to 10 seconds before liftoff...]
BRAIN: [Flatly] This...doesnt bode well.
BILLIE: Those thugs mustve disabled the systems so that Mission Control
isnt suspecting anythings *wrong*! And with this sabotage effort only halfway
completed, just one of the rocket engines is only partially disabled, and wont
provide enough force for a safe liftoff! Superboy, can you---?
[Superboy races over, and attempts to fix it at super-speed...however, they all see
that the clocks ticked down to zero. The main and booster rocket engines begin to
BRAIN: The shuttle---its launching! Quick, we must *do* something, *fast*!
SUPERBOY: [Drops the wiring] I have an idea! Just dont tell the President about
any of this...
[Superboy places the mice in the collar of his costumes shirt, and races to
underneath the malfunctioning booster rocket at super-speed, as music similar to the
"Superman:TAS" theme plays in the background. Utilizing his super-strength,
Superboy begins to generate lift to the sabotaged rocket booster, and, hidden by the
billowing clouds of smoke and the blast of the malfunctioning rocket engine, manages to
help hoist the shuttle off the ground...we see that hes straining all the while.
From a distance, we see that the shuttle appears to be blasting off from the ground as if
normally, while a crowd of spectators all cheer...pull back from this scene to show that
President Reagans watching this launch on a television set in the Oval Office...]
REAGAN: Oooh, goody...it looks as if that nice young lad and his friends have managed
to save the mission! Ill have to remember to give them an extra-large helping of
jelly beans once they get back...isnt this great, George?
[Pan over to see that Vice President Bush and Senator Dan Quayle are standing towards
the back of the room...]
BUSH: Yes...all *is* going well...and once the elections are over, *Ill* be the
man in charge...soon, that job will be *MINE*! [Orchestra music: *Dum-Dum-Dummmmm*....a
quick zoom-in on Bushs face shows him shifting the pupils of his eyes back and forth
QUAYLE: Yeah...and once *I* become vice president, I think Ill be hitting the,
uh, big time, too! Ha! [Orchestra music: Dum-dum-dummmm....Quayle starts to do the
"shifting pupils" bit as well, but is cut off by Bush...]
BUSH: Stop *that*! Only *I* may do that shifting...pupil...eye...thing! Besides,
*nobody*s paying you to *think*!
QUAYLE: Awww.... [Walks off, dejected-looking]
[Cut back to the shuttle, as it continues its skyward journey...soon, the main and side
shuttle boosters fall away, as they normally do, and fall into the Atlantic Ocean...after
splashing down, we see the Heroes emerge from under the water, some distance away, all
looking fairly fine, though wet...]
PINKY: *Hahaha*! That was *fun*, Brain! Can we do it again?!
BRAIN: [Spits out water] Not *likely*, Pinky...Im just grateful that
Superboys invulnerable body shielded us from being fried to a crisp...
BILLIE: Ill splash down with you *anytime*, Pinky... [Touches Pinkys arm,
as Brain gags]
SUPERBOY: [Pants] *Whew*...its not every day someones hair gets blow-dried
by malfunctioning rocket booster engines...anyway, wed better get to this
crooks headquarters and end this thing once and for all!
[Superboy picks the mice up, and they zoom off for the address on the card...namely,
someplace in New York City...fade to a sleek office building, and fade into the interior
of one of the offices on the top floor. We see the brains of this whole operation, the
"Launcher" himself, speaking into a phone.]
LAUNCHER: Well, I dont care *what* it takes! Ill sabotage the *next*
shuttle flight if we have to! No matter what, Im not letting the business
opportunity of a lifetime slip through! [Listens to a response over the phone] Feh...I
know...lousy invulnerable *brat*...I can only imagine mainly flyin around some
jerkwater town in Kansas would explain why he has to be such a goody-goody...[Gets up,
begins pacing around the room, carrying the phone base with him] I mean, why would someone
with such *power* wish to use them for something as pabulum as saving kittens, or stopping
tornadoes? That kid could easily rent out his services as a weapon of mass destruction for
the United States Army, or use even a small *fraction* of his talents to become a star
athlete, or use his supersenses as a spy or somesuch, and all the while becoming rich
beyond his wildest dreams! Money *and* superior power---who could ask for anything else?
[Listens to the phone] True...I suppose he *does* feel hes doing the world some sort
of great morally-driven service...but still, *why* couldnt he be of service for more
lucrative reasons?! ...uh-huh....very well...all right, then, Ill talk to you
later...goodbye! [Hangs up]
LAUNCHER: [Sitting back down in his chair] *Sigh*...I must find a way to keep this
operation going! If I dont, I may have to turn to some other way of making a quick
buck...perhaps investing in those personal computers that everyone seems to be buying into
[Suddenly, a blue-and-red figure streaks into the room...we see that the figures
none other than Superboy, with the lab mice in tow...]
SUPERBOY: [Raising an eyebrow, with his arms crossed] Wont it be kind of hard to
invest in anything when youre stuck behind prison bars?
PINKY: [Whispering] Nice way to fix up that heavily-repeated "youre going
behind bars" line...
SUPERBOY: [Whispering back] Thanks...
LAUNCHER: Ha! You may have managed to somehow save the shuttle mission, Boy of Steel,
but you *wont* be around to pull it again next time! [Glances at the mice] Or
*those* guys either, whoever *they* are...
PINKY: Um...Im Pinky, this is Billie, and *this* is Brain! Pleased to meet you!
LAUNCHER: [Sarcastically] *Charmed*, Im sure...
[Launcher presses a button on his desk...instantly, we see a large laser-like weapon
drop down from the ceiling...it targets the Boy of Steel.]
SUPERBOY: Ahhh, I dont think so... [Superboy tries to move out of the way at
super-speed, but the weapon fires, and manages to strike the youth anyway with a
blue-colored energy beam. Superboy collapses on the floor, gritting his teeth in pain...]
LAUNCHER: Ha! This little device Im planning on peddling to the munitions black
market, Super-loser, the "Atomizer"...its strong enough to reduce a small
mountain to a pile of rubble---but testing it on *you* to see if it works isnt a bad
idea! [He grins slyly, as Superboy lays on the floor, immobilized. Pan over to the mice,
who look greatly worried. The Launcher walks over to the mice, and grabs them.]
LAUNCHER: Hmm...guess Ill have to dispose of you three, as well...may as well be
*thorough* about all this...
PINKY: [Whispering] Brain, whatll we do?! Superboy needs our help! *NARF*!
BRAIN: [Whispering] Dont worry; I have an idea! [Brain bares his front teeth, and
bites down hard on the Launchers hand. The Launcher yelps in pain, and shakes his
hand, releasing the mice. The mice scurry over to the control panel, and begin pressing
various buttons. The Launcher is about to grab the mice, but sees that the Atomizer is
changing direction away from Superboy, and is now aiming towards the ceiling. The laser
beam slices off a piece of the ceiling hanging over Launchers head, resulting in a
pile of plaster raining down on Launchers head...hes quickly down and out for
the count. Pressing a few more buttons, Brain manages to turn the device off.]
SUPERBOY: [Walking over to the mice] Y-you did it! I dont know how to thank you
guys for saving my life...*and* the United States space program, to boot! [Shakes
Brains hand] Im sure the president will be happy to hear about this...
BRAIN: [Thinking] As am *I*, Superboy...as am *I*...*YES*! Soon, my plan for
stratospheric self-promotion will be underway...even if not on *this* shuttle-flight,
certainly the *next* one...
[Superboy slams his fist down in the control panel, which short-circuits and destroys
the laser weapon. Taking the still-unconscious Launcher over one shoulder, and gripping
the mice in his hand, the Boy of Steel takes off for Washington, D.C....]
[Fade to sometime later, in the Oval Office...we see Superboy, the lab mice, President
Reagan, Vice President Bush, and Senator Quayle are all gathered together. Reagan looks
REAGAN: Congratulations, all of you! [Shakes Superboys hand] I cant thank
you enough...and Ill make sure the secretary gives you each a jar of your very own
jelly beans upon leaving the office!
SUPERBOY: Gee, um, thanks, Mr. President...
BILLIE: Yeah, thanks!
REAGAN: One can never have enough jelly beans, I say... [Superboy flashes a brief, wide
grin on his face]
PINKY: Oooh, a whole *jar* of jelly beans of my *own*! *NARF*! This is almost as good
as that banner-thingy you wanted launched, Brain!
BRAIN: *Almost* as good, Pinky...um, Mr. President, about the banner...
REAGAN: Ah, yes...well, Mr. Brain, Im afraid theres been a bit of a change
on that front...Im afraid I cant have your banner launched, after all.
BRAIN: [Surprised] *WHAT*?!
REAGAN: Im afraid so...seems that word leaked out about [Makes quote marks with
fingers] a "surprise ad campaign" being launched from space, thatd
"clutter the sky"...as if all those satellites we have up already arent
cluttering it enough...anyway, the backlash has been so severe, I cant allow you to
have your banner launched. Besides, George needs the support for the election this fall,
BILLIE: Theres no way the press couldve found out about that so quickly!
Did somebody here leak it to the press?
[All pause for a moment, and then slowly stare at Senator Quayle...]
QUAYLE: Gee, uh...[Moans] Awww, Im sorry, guys...I thought that itd be a
great way to boost our campaign chances by tellin the press we were supporting the
commercialization of space travel! But I guess people prefer looking at the sky the way it
is, with the plain ol moon and all...[Puts his hands in his pocket, and pouts]
BUSH: [Pats Quayle on the back] There, there, Danny...how about we go have some nice
cocoa, and well discuss last-minute attack ad strategies, all right?
QUAYLE: W-with little marshmallows?
BUSH: *Yes*, with little marshmallows...and maybe some *pork rinds* too, now that I
think of it...
QUAYLE: Well, OK... [the 1988 GOP presidential candidate team exit the office, as do
the lab mice and Superboy...]
[Cut to a darkened room in some unknown location, where we see someones speaking
into a phone...he sounds rather irate.]
FIGURE: That bungler! He allowed himself to be captured by some flying *brat* so
easily! He shouldve taken better precautions...oh, very well. Arrange to have the
atomizer plans placed in storage for now; they might prove to be useful to us someday.
[Hangs up the phone] A minor setback...but Im not one to get discouraged *that*
easily from my ultimate goal...*GLOBAL CONQUEST*!
[The figure steps into the light, and we see its none other than...Wally Faust,
albeit looking 12 years younger...his hairline looks less receded, and he has fewer
facial wrinkles, but is still dressed the same way he does in the present.]
FAUST: Someday, when the world least expects it...the world will see a *new* order---an
all-powerful world order---emerge...the *CIRCLE*! [Maniacal laughter emanates from Faust,
as the "Man From Washington" episodes Circle theme music (sans chanting)
builds to a crescendo...]
[Cut to the outside of the White House...we see the lab mice and Superboy clutching
jars filled with jelly beans...Brain looks rather down in the dumps.]
BRAIN: [Looking dejected] Hmph...my plan is ruined...I dont know *what* you guys
see in me...[Kicks a small pebble lying on the ground]
PINKY: Um...a really smart short guy with a great big head on his shoulders filled with
all sorts of stuff? *POIT*!
BILLIE: Yeah...dont let it get you down, Eggy...well still be here to back
ya up for next time...
[Brain perks up a bit at hearing this]
SUPERBOY: Im sorry things didnt work out for you, Brain...but Im sure
theres always the future...
PINKY: Oooh, with computers everywhere and people making a fast buck off a
computer-based information network and the *son* of George Bush running for the presidency
and you a full-grown, 29-year-old Superman doing full-grown superheroic stuff in a major
east-coast city somewhere? *NARF*!
BILLIE: [Laughs] Oh, Pinky...
PINKY: Well...it *could* happen! *NARF*!
SUPERBOY: [Chuckles] Um, yeah, maybe so, Pinky...[*Very* gently shakes Pinky and
Brains hands, and kisses Billies] Goodbye, all of you! It was nice working
with you! [Superboy takes off for Smallville, as all wave goodbye...]
[Fade to Smallville, a few hours later; we see that a youthful Clark Kent has managed
to pack at super-speed into boxes labeled "To the Smallville Orphanage" all the
jars of jelly beans in his closet, including the current jar given to him...]
CLARK: [Sealing up the last crate] There! Thats the last of them! Now, to get rid
of these things once and for *all*...and *soon*, my closet will once again be *empty*!
[Clarks about to do so, but suddenly hears his mother yelling up the stairs...]
MA KENT: Clark? Could you come here for a--
[Clark instantly appears in front of his mother, with a bit of a breeze...she looks
MA KENT :Whatd I tell you about using your super-speed in the house?
CLARK: Oops...sorry, Ma. You called?
MA KENT: Yes! Uh, you know that mission you did for the President?
MA KENT: Well, uh...you might want to take a look at this newspaper...[Hands Clark a
copy of the Smallville Times-Reader; Clark reads the main headline...]
"PRESIDENT HONORS SUPERBOY WITH CONFECTIONERY PRIZE
[A photograph of Pres. Reagan and Vice-Pres. Bush, standing next to a large stack of
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - President Reagan and Vice President Bush wish to honor the Boy
of Steel with the colossal present of 1,000 jars of jelly beans. Reagan claims that
"that nice young man must like candy; all children love candy", while Vice
President Bush insists this 1,000 jar prize has "absolutely nothing to do with my
1,000 points of light" slogan despite the strapping of penlights to each jar, or to
his presidential campaign. Meanwhile..."
[Clark slaps his forehead, and moans.]
[Fade from Smallville, and back to Acme Labs...we see the mice are busying themselves
in what they were engaged in at the beginning of this story; however, we see that Billie
and Pinky have gorged themselves on the Presidents jelly beans, with their stomachs
visibly extended, while seated in front of the TV, watching the news...]
ANCHORMAN: ...in other news tonight, President Reagan expresses his gratitude over the
success of our nations re-entry into space exploration! He wishes to thank anonymous
friends of his, particularly. Vice Presidential candidate Dan Quayle also wishes to
apologize for trying to promote commercialization of the "final frontier",
citing critics of this proposal as being "a bunch of unimaginative sky
purists"...and finally, in Smallville, Kansas, the Boy of Steel himself, Superboy, is
offering his presidential prize of 1,000 jars of jelly beans *plus* "bonus
jars", as he puts it, to the public at large. Already, hes attempted to donate
the jars to the Smallville Orphanage as well as several dozen other orphanages, but all
have refused, citing a lack of storage space. So, Superboy is offering the jars to any and
all, first come, first serve, for free.
[Cut to a shot of an annoyed-looking Kryptonian youth...hes seated at a stand
that resembles Lucy-from-Peanuts psychiatry booth, with a sign reading
"Jelly Beans and Penlights, Free...the Superhero Is In". Behind him is an
enormous pile of jelly bean jars and penlights.]
[Cut back to the anchorman]
ANCHORMAN: Heh, heh...I suppose even a Superboy can have his fill on sweets...perhaps
theyd give him a super-*toothache*, necessitating a super...dentist. Or...some other
super...related...medical...aid. [Clears throat] Thats our news...good night.
[Closing music plays, as we see the anchorman walk off-camera, and begin yelling at the
news writers over making him say that awful "super-dentist" bit...cut to the lab
PINKY: Gee, wonder if we should take some of those jars from Superboy... [Hiccups, from
being stuffed with the sweet confection]
BILLIE: [Staring at the half-filled jar of jelly beans] Hmm....*naaaah*. [Hiccups as
BRAIN: [Walking over to the group] I think *not*, as well; weve already have had
*more* than enough excitement for one day...
PINKY: Oh, yes, especially when in thanks for our helping him on this mission, he sent
over Krypto the Super-dog for us to play with! *WAHAHAHA*!
BRAIN: [Wiping off his head with a rag] *Dont* remind me...besides, Im
still covered in Kryptonian *doggie-drool*... [Walking over to the TV, turning it off]
Come, Pinky, Billie...we must prepare for tomorrow night...
PINKY: Why, Brain, whatre we gonna do tomorrow night? [Gasps] Eat this whole jar
of jelly beans in one sitting? [Hiccups]
BILLIE: Watch a very special, *romantic* episode of "Miami Vice"? [Hiccups]
BRAIN: *Nooooo*...the same thing we do *every* night, with or *without* necessitating
superheroic or presidential help: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
[Cut to an outside shot of the Lab, as the closing orchestra music starts up...]
SINGERS: Theyre Pinky, Billie, and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...
[We hear the sound of Pinky and Billie hiccuping in unison, then the final orchestra
notes strike, signaling...]
Pinky/the Launcher/Dan Quayle: Rob Paulsen
Brain/President Reagan/Vice President Bush: Maurice LaMarche
Billie: Tress MacNeille
Superboy: Tim Daly
Martha "Ma" Kent: Shelley Fabares
Jonathan "Pa" Kent: Mike Farrell
Misc. Crewmen: Various
TV Anchorman: Jim Cummings
Wally Faust: Jeff Glenn Bennett
Pinky, the Brain, Billie, Acme Labs, Wally Faust, The Big Cartoonie Show are © 2000 by
Warner Bros., used without permission.
Superboy, Superman, Smallville, Ma Kent, Pa Kent © 2000 DC Comics, used without
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.
The Launcher created by Brainatra.
McDonalds © 2000 McDonalds Corp., used without permission.
"Ishtar" © Columbia Pictures, used without permission.
"Roseanne", the "Cosby Show" © Carsey-Werner Productions, used
"Family Ties" © Paramount Studios, used without permission.
"Miami Vice" © Universal Studios, used without permission.
"New" Coke © Coca-Cola, Inc., used without permission.
Story partially inspired by: "Superboys Mystery Mission For President
Kennedy", _Superboy_ (second series) #27, March 1982, written by Bob Rozakis.
Launchers Thugs Provided By:
The Launcher Will Be Back In:
the next Macintosh OS system upgrade
Kryptos Personal Assistant:
Ace, the Bat-Hound
Where Superboy (wanted, but failed) to pull that "two places at once" bit:
(Quote: "Obviously, the Mechanical Master plans to outwit me by constantly using a
two-pronged attack! However, with the help of a Superboy robot, I can be in two places at
---"The Menace of the Mechanical Master!", _Superman Family_ #193, February
1979, written by Tom DeFalco
Superboys First Comics Appearance:
More Fun Comics #101, 1945
Gratuitous (But Not Too Obscure) 1980s Pop Culture References Dedicated To: