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Fan Fics


Written by: Brainatra and Romey

Story idea by: Brainatra

[We fade into an outside shot of Acme Labs at night, with the bridge seen in the background. The "Acme Labs" sign is seen blinking. The date "1966" flashes at the bottom of the screen, indicating the time period in which this takes place. We see a small crowd of people march through the street in front of the lab, carrying placards with such slogans as "Peace" and "End Racism Now" . . . as we fade into the lab's interior, we hear the strains of a song that sounds similar to "Please Mr. Postman" . . . ]

[Fade into the lab, where we see Pinky and Billie lying around a transistor AM radio blaring this song out at top volume . . . we also see Brain pondering over blueprints on the floor, with a pile of magazines and LP records near him. Brain apparently doesn't seem to mind this loud music for once . . . ]

RADIO: [High-pitched singing] . . . please Mr. Milk-man, look and seeeee,
Ohhhh, yeahhh,
Is there a bottle of skim milk there for meeee?
Ohhhh . . . oooohhhh . . .

[The song on the radio soon ends . . . ]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...that was the Captain Marvelettes' hit tune "Please Mr. Milkman"! Now, let's spin Diane Russ and the Sublimes' *own* hit tune, "Yield In the Name of Love!" [Said song begins playing . . . Billie and Pinky begin singing along to the music:]

BILLIE: [Singing] Yield! In the naaaame of loooove . . . before you hiiiit a buuuus!

PINKY: [Singing] Pull it o-o-ver! You're un-in-sured, oooh, yeah! Pull it o-o-ver! *NARF*!

[The two stop singing, and begin laughing . . . suddenly, Brain is heard saying, "Y-E-E-S!", which draws Pinky and Billie's attention . . . they walk over to where Brain's sitting.]

BRAIN: Finally, a plan that shall enable us to easily TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

PINKY: [Walking up] Ooooh, what is it, Brain? Shrinking ourselves down to microscopic size and entering President Lyndon B. Johnson's brain?

BRAIN: *No*, Pinky . . . tonight's plan shall have no need of molecular shrinkage, but rather, superb vocal mastery! Now let me explain: the most popular musical stylings of today's society is none other than---

PINKY: Paul Revere and the Raiders? *POIT*! Oooh, speaking of which, I'll bet they're playing a concert right here in town!

BILLIE: [Walking up] Really? Hmmm . . . [Runs off and quickly runs back, with a newspaper page in tow] Here's the paper's concert listings! Maybe we could go see someone in concert *together*, Pinky . . . [She smiles at Pinky; Pinky stares back blankly, while Brain looks fairly annoyed at having his explanation interrupted . . . ]

BILLIE: [Reading the listings] Hmm . . . we could go see the Doors . . .

PINKY: Um, what for, Billie? The labs' doors are right over there! *POIT*!

BILLIE: [Slightly perplexed] Erm, OK . . . how about Janis Joplin?

PINKY: Didn't she write "Maple Leaf Rag"?

BILLIE: Um, that's *Scott* Joplin . . . let's see . . . how about the Rolling Stones?

PINKY: Hmm . . . are they gathering any moss? *POIT*!

BILLIE: Of course not! They're just as young and lively-looking as you and me!

PINKY: That's amazing! How do they do it?

BILLIE: Beats me . . . but they're rich rock stars! They should easily be able to afford to stay looking as young as they want for *years*!

PINKY: *Naaaarf* . . . [Billie continues reading]

BILLIE: Hmm . . . we could go see the Who!


BILLIE: Exactly!

PINKY: But *who*?!

BRAIN: [Walking over] I believe I shall have to end this discussion here . . . [Sounding annoyed] mostly to divert a bad Abbott and Costello routine from breaking out . . .

BILLIE: But we haven't picked a group to see yet! There's so many good ones here . . . the Beatles, the Doors, Janis Joplin, the Rolling Stones, the Temptations----

BRAIN: [Sounding suggestive] Fred Spinatra? [Both mice stare at Brain, looking fairly perplexed] *What*?!

BILLIE: [Rolls her eyes] Um, never mind . . . so, who do you want to see, Pinky?

PINKY: Ummmm . . . How about we go see this? [Points at an ad in the newspaper; Billie reads it]

BILLIE: "Waterfront Musicfest '66"! Featuring: the Beatles, the Doors, Janis Joplin, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Temptations, the Who, and Paul Revere and the Raiders! . . . [Smirking a bit] sorry, Eggy, but I don't see Spinatra listed!

PINKY: *Naaarf* . . . what an incredible stroke of *contrivance*! [Brain winces at this remark]

BILLIE: Umm . . . yeah, that's it exactly, Pinks! Not that we'll be able to tell from the rear-balcony if we can get seats *there* . . . [Billie grins; Brain rolls his eyes, and groans] Hmmm . . . maybe we can get a discount if we use the same seat!

PINKY: Oooh, good thinking, Billie! [Brain looks even more annoyed] But how will we be able to see the band from all the way in the back?

BILLIE: Uhhh . . . errrr . . . [Glances around, she sees a magazine lying nearby with a picture of the Beatles on it] we can just take this magazine with us and look at the cover!

PINKY: Ooooh, OK, then! *NARF*!

BILLIE: I wonder how far back those seats can recline . . .

BRAIN: [Impatiently] *Billie* . . .

PINKY: Um, why would they need to recline? The seats should be big enough, considering we're mice . . .

BILLIE: Well, don't you want to get more . . . *comfortable* while we're at such a long concert?

PINKY: Well . . . you *do* have a point . . .

[Brain buries his face in his hands, and moans louder]

BILLIE: Although I suppose you're right about the size of the seats . . .

PINKY: Really?

BILLIE: [Smiling] Yeah . . . I mean, more room for us to, you know . . . spread out . . . . [Brain looks almost about to erupt]

PINKY: . . . and just small enough that we don't get lost! HAHA! *NARF*!

BILLIE: [Smiling broadly] Exactly! [Speaking in a soothing tone] And just imagine . . . the two of us . . . leaning back . . . enjoying the music . . . the solitude of the balcony . . . [Brain looks close to exploding . . . ]

PINKY: And I guess we can just imagine we can see the band?

BILLIE: [Putting an arm around Pinky; speaking in an even more soothing tone] *Exactly* . . . and then we can . . .

BRAIN: [Sounding livid] YAAAAHHH!! ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!!!

PINKY: Um, what's it, Brain? Billie and I were just talking about what were going to do---

BRAIN: [Placing his hand over his face] Oh, never mind! I'm sure Billie knows *exactly* what I mean! [Glares at Billie, who rolls her eyes and whistles calmly] Now, *follow*, as I explain tonight's plan . . . [Calming down] tonight's plan involves the soothing musical stylings of---

PINKY: Lawrence Welk? *POIT*! Ooooh, maybe we could go see *him*, Billie!

BILLIE: [Sounding wary] Uhhhh, sorry Pinky, but I'd have to draw the line at *polka* . . . [Shudders]

BRAIN: Indeed, Billie, but I was referring to the soothing tones of *Moretown* music! [Pinky utters a "Naaarf"] Such musical styles as [Whipping out the LP albums next to him to demonstrate in slide-show fashion] Diane Russ and the Sublimes . . . Gladys Squire and the Pits' gospel-esque "I Heard It Through the Phone Line" . . . Marvin Faye's improved, recycled remake of that "Phone Line" song, as well as remakes by countless others . . . Aretha Frankfort's "Dignity" . . . Marsha and the Vandals' "Heat Stroke" . . . and Jim Browne's "I Feel Adequate", are all winning the hearts of people across the country! Thus, in tonight's plan, we shall start our *own* Moretown singing group, one that will rise to an even higher level of fame than any of these groups! Then we shall use that following to take over the country, and then, the world!

PINKY: Egad, *brilliant*! Oh, no, wait, no . . . I look *terrible* in a sequined gown! *TROZ*!

BRAIN: [Rolls his eyes] Indeed, my friend . . . now, to implement these carefully calculated plans for creating a hit Moretown singing group! The requirements include: glittering, sequined gowns . . . blue- or black-colored suits with bow ties . . . beehive hairdos . . . an ability to sing at a high vocal range . . . music that sounds great when reproduced on AM car radios . . . and a creative name!

PINKY: Can we call ourselves the "Hang Gliding Guerrillas"?

BRAIN: Um, *noooo* . . . .

PINKY: Ooh, I've got it! "The Partridge Family"!

BRAIN: Don't be ridiculous! We may as well call ourselves---I don't know---the *Osmonds* or something! [Sighs] Don't worry---I'll come up with a group name . . . [Perks up] I've got it! We'll call our group "The Brain-fonics"! I will be Issac Brain, and you will be Pinky Robinson!

PINKY: Oooh, I think I'll like this plan, Brain!

BRAIN: *Issac* Brain!

PINKY: Right-o, Brain! Uhh . . . *Issac* Brain! Poit! Just one question: does this mean you're going to wind up doing voiceover work for some off-color poorly animated TV cartoon 30 years from now, and make a hit song for a movie about a really cool detective? [Brain thwaps Pinky on the head, which only makes Pinky giggle . . . ]

BRAIN: Enough of this! Come now, we have important labors to attend to!

[Pinky rushes off to the side of the screen, and returns fully equipped with doctor's clothes, towels, and a thimbleful of hot water.]

BRAIN: I *meant* taking over the world!

PINKY: Oh, yes . . . right! [Pinky rushes off again, and returns - minus the doctor's outfit and equipment.]

[Cut to much later; we see a miniature recording studio set up in a corner of the lab . . . we also see Pinky and Brain dressed in outfits similar to Brain's suit in "From Russia With Lab Mice". Billie is seen fiddling with a reel-to-reel recorder and a turntable.]

BRAIN: Now, we must record a demo for the record company, Pinky! Do you have the lyrics memorized?

PINKY: Don't worry, Brain! I'm all set! Here goes...*POIT*! [Starts singing] "United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru . . . "

BRAIN: Pinky! Stop singing that nonsensical song for the umpteenth time! [Sighs] I don't know where you picked it up from!

PINKY: Um, beats me, Brain . . . just popped into my head!

BRAIN: [Sighs] Let's try it again . . .

[Much *more* later, we see the mice holding a 45 record over their heads; the label reads: "The Brain-fonics: My World"]

BRAIN: *Yes*! Finally, it's done! Now to get this song prominent airplay on every jukebox, AM radio station and television teen dance program in the country!

PINKY: Umm . . . how will we do that Brain?

BRAIN: Simple, Pinky; we shall gain a recording contract with Moretown Records! Once done, our dulcet tones will fill every turntable and transistor radio in the nation . . . and soon, all of America will be at our feet!

PINKY: Oooh . . . I hope they don't step on them, *POIT*!

BRAIN: Come, Pinky . . . we're off to Detroit!

PINKY: What about Billie? *POIT*! Isn't she going to come along? [Brain glances over to Billie; she gives an abnormally wide smile.]

BRAIN: [Rolling his eyes] Oh, all right . . . .she can come; I suppose she can be our backup singer . . . .

BILLIE: [Annoyed] *Backup*?!

BRAIN: OK, our *co*-singer, then, and be called . . .

PINKY: Billie . . . Fitzgerald? *Wahahaha*!

BILLIE: Bebop's way dated, Pinky, but sure, why not?

BRAIN: [Sighing] Let's just get going, already . . .

[Fade to Moretown Records, specifically the record company's main lobby. We see a bored-looking secretary with a beehive hairdo typing slowly on an Underwood typewriter. The mice in full costume arrive . . . Brain and Pinky are wearing the same blue suits with bow ties, but Billie's now wearing a sequined gown, pearls, earrings, and high-heeled shoes. Her hair is also done in a beehive, looking similar to the secretary's. Billie looks rather uncomfortable . . . ]

SECRETARY: [Turning away from her typewriter and towards the mice, still sounding bored.] Hello, may I help you?

BRAIN: We are the hot new, uh, *groovy* singing group the Brain-fonics, and we wish to speak with your company's C.E.O., Larry Gaudy!

SECRETARY: Uh-huh . . . *another* singing group. You're only the 16th one this *week* to show up! Why should Mr. Gaudy speak with *you*?

PINKY: Ummm . . . .we offer a neat new sound while wearing stylish clothes? *POIT*!

BRAIN: Indeed . . . uh, Pinky, Billie, let's hit it!

[The mice begin singing along with the music being piped into the office, a parody version of Martha and the Vandellas' hit tune "Heat Wave" . . . ]

MICE: [Singing] Baby, I'm tellin' you . . . the temperature's riiiisin' . . .
When we're outside . . . it feels like I'm dyyyyin' . . .
Crank up the a-c and drink water 'til we croak,
Baby, lemme tell you, it's feelin' like a *HEAT STROKE* . . . burnin' like a *HEAT STROKE* . . .

SECRETARY: [Laughs softly] OK, OK, I've heard enough! Your singing *and* your "stylish" clothes are more than enough for *me*, though I'm not so sure about Mr. Gaudy . . .

BILLIE: Stylishly *uncomfortable* clothes, that is . . . this beehive's killing me! Wonder why some other hairstyle couldn't be all the rage . . .

SECRETARY: Actually, I kind of like your hairstyle, Miss . . .

BILLIE: [Smiling a bit] Um, thanks . . .

BRAIN: Um, you could tell your employer that we're an eager young group desperately wishing to break into this musical field . . . though I'm not sure if you quite understand . . .

SECRETARY: Actually, I guess I *do* understand . . . I've actually been trying to make it big in acting for quite some time now, and other than one or two bit parts, haven't had much success! I *really* don't want to be working as a *secretary* for the rest of my life! *sigh* . . . but anyway, I guess I'll let you all speak with Mr. Gaudy, though I wouldn't hold my breath on being successful! [Presses a button on an intercom system] Sir? There's a new musical group wishing to speak with you!

VOICE: [Sighs] Oh, very well; send 'em in . . .

SECRETARY: You can go in . . . and good luck!

PINKY: Thanks, Ms. . . . [Reading her desk nametag] Nichols? Good luck being an actress! I'm sure you'll wow 'em as a big star someday with your great communications skills and all . . .

BRAIN: Pinky, *please*! She obviously can't become a star by staying here in Detroit! She'll more likely have to make some type of trek to Hollywood or somesuch place to do so! But we wish you luck, madame!

SECRETARY: Hmm . . . big star . . . trek to Hollywood . . . well, perhaps . . . [The mice leave] [She glances over to a copy of "Look" magazine sitting on her desk, with a cover caption mentioning: "Television Science Fiction: 'Space Westerns' or Low-Budget Adolescent Fantasies?"; she thinks for a moment (as a few musical notes of a certain *very* familiar sci-fi TV show theme play in the background), then rummages through her purse looking for a checkbook] Hmmm . . . I wonder if I have enough saved up for bus tickets to California . . . ?

[Fade into the office of Mr. Gaudy, a bearded, slightly overweight African-American man in a black business suit, a typical executive type . . . sitting at his desk, Mr. Gaudy looks fairly frustrated.]

GAUDY: What a week . . . fifteen lousy tryouts, and not one worth giving a contract . . . these next guys had better be *good*, or I'm gonna---

[The mice enter the room]

GAUDY: [Sounding less-than-enthused] Hello, my short friends . . . and you are . . . ?

BRAIN: We're the Brain-fonics! We think we have the perfect sound you're looking for!

GAUDY: I hope so . . . all we keep gettin' are these wannabes wanting to be the next Gladys Squire and the Pits! I mean, [Looks at a 45 record sitting on his desk] the "Jackson . . . *Five*?!" Puh-lease . . . [Throws it into a wastebasket]

BILLIE: [To Pinky] I hope this doesn't take too long . . . I feel humiliated in this get-up . . .

BRAIN: We've brought our own demo, if you'll care to listen . . . I feel it to be a bold new sound for the Moretown era of music!

GAUDY: Yeah, yeah . . . let's just hear it . . .

[Mr. Gaudy puts the mice's 45 on a turntable . . . we hear the mice singing to the tune of the Motown song "My Girl":]

BRAIN'S VOICE: [Singing] I guess you'll see . . . you'll all want to wor-ship me in . . . MY WORRRLD . . . .

PINKY'S VOICE: [Sounding higher-pitched than usual, in conjunction with Brain's "MY WORLD" words] My world . . . [Even higher-pitched] My worlllld . . .

BRAIN & PINKY: [Singing] Talkin' abouuuut . . . myyyy wooorld---

PINKY: [Singing] My world! *POIT*!

[The C.E.O. stops the song, and turns to the mice . . . all 3 of them look very worried about his decision . . . ]

GAUDY: [Waving the 45 record in his hand] Do you know what this *is*? [The mice continue to tremble] Do you three have ANY idea what this *IS*?

PINKY: Umm . . . us singing? *POIT*!

GAUDY: [Very loudly] I'll you what *this* is! This . . . is . . . OUR NEXT HIT, that's what! Beatles, eat your hearts out! [Brain and Pinky faint; Billie looks at them, and begins trying to fan Pinky to regain consciousness . . . both mice soon recover. Brain looks over at the two other mice . . . ]

BRAIN: [To Billie] You're not trying to revive *me*?! But why---[Face changes to an annoyed look] ah, yes, never *mind* . . . [To the C.E.O.] So, you like it?

GAUDY: YES! [Whips out a contract] Sign here, and you'll be all famous! [All 3 mice do so . . . ]

BILLIE: Just as long as I don't have to dress like this much longer . . .

GAUDY: No, I think that costuming of yours is *perfect*. That'll be your image! We'll begin with promoting your record as part of a general Moretown promotional effort next week!

[Billie moans]

[Fade from this scene, and to a local kid/teen hangout in Detroit . . . we see Mr. Gaudy and the mice (still in costume) standing near a booth with piles of 45 records in boxes, trying to hand out free copies of the "Brain-Fonics" single, but with little success . . . ]

GAUDY: [To the mice] Hmm . . . somethin's not quite right here . . . I know! We'll dress them all like Miss Billie! Go for that novelty costume look!

BRAIN: [In shock at that mental image] *NOOOOO*! I'll simply ask what's wrong . . .

[Brain walks over to a random youth, a very young boy who looks rather familiar . . . he's wearing Converse sneakers, jeans, an old Washington Senators baseball cap, and a Detroit Lions t-shirt.]

BRAIN: [Trying to sound "hip"] Hey, kid . . . I'm Issac Brain! I'm sure all of your, uh, gang will love this, um, "groovy" record!

KID: Aw, c'mon . . . .it doesn't look *that* good! And besides, you guys sure are short for musicians!

BRAIN: Actually, we're a trio of genetically-altered laboratory mice attempting to utilize this unique musical medium to take over the *world*!

KID: [Looking very bewildered by this comment] Ummm . . . yeah. Anyway, even if you're giving these records away for free, I dunno if I really want one . . .

PINKY: [To Mr. Gaudy] Um, I know! How about if we throw in a free "Diane Russ and the Sublimes" single with each one? Maybe that'll help! *POIT*!

GAUDY: That's *brilliant*! Let's do it! [Gaudy runs out of the hangout, and rushes back, carrying a box of records] [Announcing in loud voice] Attention! We're giving away a free Diane Russ and the Sublimes single with each "Brain-fonics" record! [All the people there hear this, and begin crowding around the booth]

KID: Cool! I'll take one, ya funny-lookin' guy!

BRAIN: Well, I guess riding on a more successful group's success isn't too bad . . . for *now* . . .

BILLIE: [To Gaudy] Does this mean I can lose the get-up?

GAUDY: Sorry, but your look stays! [Billie pouts.]

BILLIE: Hmm . . . maybe I can start a new look that'd tide over Mr. Gaudy . . .

PINKY: Like what?

BILLIE: Anything that doesn't cause my hair to fall out, cramp my feet, give me a backache, and make me look like a complete buffoon . . .

KID: [to Brain] By the way, in case you *do* become all rich and famous, can I have your autograph?

BRAIN: Um, sure thing, my . . . uh, man. What's your name?

KID: Axel . . . Axel Foley . . . my mama thinks "Axel"'s a great name, but I think "Eddie" would be a much neater name, instead! Not sure why, though . . .

BRAIN: [Thinking to self while signing young Axel's record] Hmmm . . . for some reason, Axel's name sounds rather familiar . . . [Shakes his head] *naaah*, never heard of it!

[Brain finishes autographing the album, and young Axel leaves, as others clamor around the booth . . . ]

[We fade from this scene, and various montages of the mice growing in singing fame flash by, with a "Motown" version of the PatB theme music playing in the background . . . we see their various album covers, singing alongside other Moretown artists, and so forth. Such aspects as Billie frowning while tugging on her dress, Brain gleefully eyeing their growing record sales figures, and Pinky mindlessly giggling while watching a cheesy fight scene (complete with cheesier fight music) on the Original "Star Trek" are seen . . . we then fade to the Foley family residence in Detroit, where young Axel is seen listening to "My World" on the family's hi-fi system.]

YOUNG AXEL: This is such a cool song! I guess I was wrong about that big-headed guy . . . I wonder if *I* could be famous like him someday, when I grow up . . . .

[Young Axel glances at a copy of "Ebony" magazine lying nearby, with a picture of Bill Cosby taken from the TV show "I Spy" . . . the magazine is lying near a police officer's uniform hanging on a doorknob.]

YOUNG AXEL: . . . or maybe a policeman, like Dad . . . I bet *everyone* would like me if I were a cop!

[Fade away from the Foley residence, and to several more montages of the mice's rise through the ranks of stardom, with the same background music as before: we see Billie murmuring like Marge Simpson while touching up her beehive hairdo in a mirror, Brain on the cover of "Jet" magazine with Larry Gaudy (with the cover caption reading: "Today Moretown, Tomorrow the World!"), and Pinky laughing insanely at the classic Kirk vs. the Gorn fight scene on "Star Trek" while eating a Chum-sicle™. We then fade to a scene with the Brain-fonics eating a publicity lunch with Diane Russ and the Sublimes, with several photographers and movie cameramen nearby. We see Pinky sitting on Diane Russ' shoulder, with the two drinking out of the same milkshake with two straws; they both seem to be laughing over something. Brain rolls his eyes at this, while Billie, with an eyebrow raised, stares at Pinky . . . ]

[Fade from the lunch scene, and to New York City, where we see the "Brain-fonics" about to do a number on the Ed Sullivan show . . . cut to backstage . . . ]

BILLIE: Finally! My chance for a lead singing number! Maybe it'll take my mind off how uncomfortable this outfit is!

BRAIN: I hope Mr. Gaudy's idea for your doing a lead singing number aids us in our rise to fame . . . and *our* plan for global conquest! Even if he requested that we perform a past Moretown hit song, "I Heard It Through the Phone Line"! I would've preferred reusing "My World" again, but still . . .

BILLIE: Yeah, I see your point, Eggy; *I* would've preferred rehashin' "Someday, We'll Be Together"! That, or "My Guy"! [Touches Pinky's shoulder, smiling] Wouldn't you agree, Pinky?

PINKY: *Naaaarf* . . . well, maybe, Billie---but I just was hoping we could get an autograph from that dancing bear group they had on earlier tonight! *POIT*!

BRAIN: [Glancing towards the stage] Never mind this debate over corporate-inspired recycled entertainment! It's time for us to make our national televised debut—in glorious black and white!

PINKY: Aw, couldn't we be in living color instead? [Brain grabs Pinky's arm, causing Pinky to yelp, and the mice walk towards the stage, where we see standing there is none other than Ed Sullivan himself.]

SULLIVAN: [Over applause] Wasn't that a really great act, everyone? Even if that unicycle-riding, plate-spinning guy *did* look a bit like a giant chicken . . . and now next on our really big shew, we're pleased to present a really small group---the *BRAIN-FONICS*!

[The mice walk out onto the stage, with the audience applauding loudly.]

BRAIN: [Into a microphone that's been lowered to the mice's heights.] Greetings, everyone! Tonight, we're pleased to provide you a number featuring our backup singer [Billie, off-screen, mutters "backup?!"], Billie Fitzgerald! [The audience applauds]

BILLIE: Thanks, Brain . . . and a one, a two, a one, two, three, four! [She motions for the band to begin playing, which they do; the music is to the same tune as Gladys Knight and the Pips' jazzy, gospel-esque version of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine". Billie begins making some dancing motions, despite the limitations of her uncomfortable wardrobe.]

[Billie starts singing; however, instead of sounding like her usual "nasal"-ish voice, her voice sounds more similar to Aretha Franklin's . . . in addition, a curtain behind the mice opens to reveal a fair-sized chorus of singers. Pinky and Brain gape at all of this.]

BILLIE: [Singing the song's chorus] Don't you know that I heard it through the phone line?!

CHORUS: [Singing] Oooh, I heard it through the phone line!

BILLIE: [Singing] How much more of my long distance time?!

CHORUS: [Singing] How much more of my long distance time!

BILLIE: [Singing] Oh, don't ya know that I heard it through the phone line?!

CHORUS: [Singing] Oooh, I heard it through the phone line!

BILLIE: [Singing] And I'm just about, just about, just about, just about to lose my mind! Ooooh, yeah-h-h-h . . .

BRAIN: [Rolling his eyes] [Thinking] You're telling *me* . . .

[The audience loudly applauds this fantastic performance . . . cut to the Foley residence, where we see the Foley family watching this performance on a console black-and-white television set (with the brand name "Monochrome Master" imprinted on the front of it). The future star of "Vampire in Brooklyn" himself is parked in front of the set, while young Axel's parents are seated on a sofa behind him . . . ]

YOUNG AXEL: [Excited] Whoa . . . see, Mama, Dad? I *told* you these guys are freakin' great!

AXEL'S MOTHER: [Raising an eyebrow] Axel, what'd I tell you about using words like that?! [Shaking her head] To think your teacher told me at that last parent-teacher conference that your best subject in school right now is *English* . . .

YOUNG AXEL: [Mumbling] Sorry, Mama . . .

AXEL'S MOTHER: Besides, I'm still curious about how she managed to talk our church's choir into doing this act on such short notice! And going to New York, no less! [Mrs. Foley sweeps her hand at the TV's screen, displaying the kinetic, monotone image of Billie.]

AXEL'S FATHER: That mouth'll get you into trouble one day, son, just watch! [Rolls his eyes] Unless you're planning on making a career using crude language skills, like that Redd Foxx guy . . .

AXEL'S MOTHER: Lord, I hope not . . . I can only guess what type of career little Axel would wind up in using words like that! Probably a cartoonist or a *comedian*! [Mrs. Foley shudders.]

[Cut back to the Ed Sullivan show set, where the Brain-fonics have finished their number, with the audience applauding. Ed stoops down to the mice's level, and gently shake hands with all three members. Billie looks slightly out-of-breath.]

SULLIVAN: [To the audience] Wasn't this a really great act, ladies and gents?! [To the mice] You three are sensational! I hope to see more of you in the future!

BRAIN: Oh, you will, my dear Mr. Sullivan . . . [Broadly smiles] you *will*!

[Moments later, we see the Brain-fonics standing backstage . . . ]

BILLIE: I'll bet I've shown everyone out there what stuff I'm made of! "Backup singer", my foot! *Ha*!

PINKY: But how did you manage to sing like *that*?!

BRAIN: [Flatly] Indeed, do *tell* . . . and where did you get that chorus?!

BILLIE: [Shrugs] Beats me about the singing part; to tell you the truth, it almost felt like I was possessed by someone with a highly gifted and versatile voice, totally . . . odd.

BRAIN: [Finger under his chin] Hmm . . . interesting . . .

BILLIE: As for the chorus, wellll . . . I thought I could use a few more backup singers, and found a Detroit church choir that wanted some exposure, and . . . well . . . [Waves her hand] Ta-da!

BRAIN: [Rolling his eyes] Remind me to thank you for upstaging me later, "Mahalia Jackson" . . .

PINKY: What now, Brain? Watch some more poorly-choreographed fight scenes on "Star Trek"? *Wa-hahahaha*!

BRAIN: Perhaps later, Pinky; right now, we must continue to monitor our rise in popularity with our public!

[Fade from this scene, and to a shot of the mice backstage at the Artemis Theater in Harlem, New York . . . we see the marquee reads "Tonight! Diane Russ and the Sublimes . . . the Misley Brothers . . . Also: The Brain-fonics". The mice are backstage, waiting for their turn to perform a musical number . . . ]

BRAIN: Our fame as Moretown singers grows with every second! Soon, we shall shed the status of being a mere secondary Moretown group, and finally gain our *own* concert tour! Y-E-E-E-S!

PINKY: And soon, I can get back to watching Captain Kirk beam down to more Styrofoam alien landscapes! *Hahaha*! [Brain whops Pinky on the head]

BILLIE: And hopefully soon, I can stop wearing this uncomfortable sequined dress and high heels! Whoever thought that placing the center of one's weight over the ball of the foot would be desirable in a shoe design oughta be---

[Billie's line is cut off, as Diane Russ and the Sublimes walk towards the stage, dressed similarly to Billie; they stop in front of the mice.]

PINKY: Hello, ladies . . . lovely concert tonight, *NARF*!

RUSS: Why, thank you, little man . . . [To Billie] oh, by the way, nice wardrobe you've got on!

BILLIE: [Startled] Um, gee, thanks, I guess . . .

RUSS: Gotta go now . . . good luck, you three! [The Sublimes exit]

PINKY: [To Billie] Wellll, it *is* a lovely sequined gown! And the earrings and pearls are *gorgeous*, *TROZ*!

BILLIE: Thanks for the compliment, Pinky . . . but if you like this getup so much, maybe *you* should try wearing it some---

[Billie gets cut off by the approaching of Mr. Gaudy . . . ]

GAUDY: Hey, my little money makers! Great news! I've decided to give you your very own concert tour! You'll be opening right here at the Artemis theater! What do you think of that?

BRAIN: Mr. Gaudy, by the time we're through, the whole *world* will be worshiping at our feet! [Smiling broadly] So to speak . . .

[We fade to the "Brain-fonics"'s debut concert; the Artemis Theater appears to be lavishly decorated for this event . . . fade to backstage, where we see the mice.]

BRAIN: This is it, Pinky . . . if we can do this with no slip-ups, we shall be on our way to TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

PINKY: Hooray!

BRAIN: By the way . . . where's Billie?

PINKY: She said she was going to slip into something more comfortable for the concert . . .

BRAIN: Well she'd better hurry . . . we don't have much time left!

[Suddenly, Billie walks out . . . however, instead of wearing her standard Moretown singer outfit, she's wearing bell-bottomed jeans, sandals, and an oversized t-shirt . . . her hair's back to normal, as well . . . ]

BRAIN: [Surprised] *Billie*?! Why are you wearing *that*?!

BILLIE: I'm sorry I'm late, but the dry cleaners ruined my sequined gown! And I didn't have time to go get another one at this hour . . . besides, this is really a lot more comfortable! I even widened out the legs to these jeans for extra leg comfort, after having to squeeze my legs into that narrow dress all the time! I'm sure Mr. Gaudy and our fans will understand . . .

BRAIN: [Sighs] Well, I guess it's too late to fix this fashion disaster *now* . . . let's just go on stage!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen . . . please give a cheer for . . . the *Brain-fonics*!!

[The audience begins cheering, until the mice walk out onstage . . . then, the clapping stops, and the audience gasps. The collective gasping of thousands ruffles the mice's clothes a bit; the mice all look rather surprised/nervous.]

BRAIN: Oh dear . . .

[Brain climbs a microphone, and pulls it to his level to address the fans]

BRAIN: [Nervously] Um . . . hey, all you, uh . . . cool guys and gals! Welcome to tonight's . . . show? [The crowd begins muttering statements such as "she's wearing *that*?", "What awful taste in clothes!", "*This* is where Moretown's headed?", etc . . . then, looking excited, all begin booing. However, one of a group of younger attendees remarks: "Hmmm . . . that does look rather comfortable!" The others in that group agree. Everyone begins filing out of the theater, despite Brain's pleas for them to come back . . . ]

BRAIN: Wait! *Please*! Come back! Uh . . . we've got more free Diane Russ singles to . . . hand . . . out? [The audience keeps filing out, ignoring Brain's pleas; Brain sets his head down against the microphone, and sighs . . . ]

GAUDY: [Coming on stage] That's it! I told you not to change out of those clothes! You're *fired*! [He tears up their contract; the mice, looking dejected, file off-stage . . . ]

GAUDY: I wonder who I'll get to fill their place *now*?!

[The mice, walking, run into a portly looking man with a beard . . . he notices how dejected the mice look . . . ]

MAN: [Speaking in a very deep voice] Hey, what's wrong?

BILLIE: [With a tear in the corner of her eye] *Sigh* . . . my poor costuming ruined our chances of becoming the most powerful musicians in the world . . . [Brain nods his head, confirming this. Pinky just stands there, feeling bad for Brain and Billie.]

MAN: Well, don't feel too bad, little lady!

PINKY: If only they'd have gotten past our clothes, we could've gotten more of their attention . . . get more of their love . . .

MAN: Hmmm . . . [Begins singing softly to himself] "Can't get enough of your love . . . ." [A look of delight crosses his eyes] Yeahhhh . . . [To the mice, hurriedly] Well, I'm sure things will work out . . . uh . . . now if you'll excuse me, I have to go talk to Mr. Gaudy . . . so long!

[The man quickly walks over to Mr. Gaudy, and begins speaking with the record company executive . . . we fade back to the lab, with the same transistor radio as seen before playing; Brain is engrossed over a diagram of some sort, and Pinky and Billie are listening to the music playing. The person singing is the same man the mice had encountered at the Artemis Theater backstage . . . soon, the song ends . . . ]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: We'll hear more from promising new singer Larry Beige in a moment! . . . in other news, the newest fashion sweeping the nation's youth appears to be some type of wide-bottomed blue jeans called "bell-bottoms" . . . a fashion craze started by that lovely backup singer for the former group "the Brain-fonics"! Wherever she is, our nation's youth thank her for---

BILLIE: [Annoyed] *Backup* singer?! Hmph . . .

[Brain turns off the radio]

PINKY: What's the matter, Brain? I thought you'd be happier . . .

BRAIN: About what? Our plan was ruined . . .

PINKY: Yes, but at least we've started a new trend! Plus, we helped that nice Mr. Beige start his *own* singing career . . . he does have a very nice voice! *TROZ*!

BILLIE: Yeah, he does . . . [Smoothly speaking, to Pinky] In fact, I think it's very *romantic* . . .

PINKY: Really, Billie? I thought it was a deep bass! *NARF*!

[Brain perks up a little]

BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain, but "My Mother the Bicycle" doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

BRAIN: [Sighs] No, Pinky . . . I mean, we must prepare for tomorrow night . . .

PINKY: Why, Brain? What're we gonna do *tomorrow* night? [Gasps] Watch recycled stock footage of the "Enterprise" orbiting a planet?

[Billie walks on screen with baggy, ripped-up jeans and a T-shirt down past her knees.]

BILLIE: Start new, yet far more comfortable fashion trends, Eggy?

BRAIN: [Shakes his head] *NO*! The same thing we do every night . . . TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

[Cut to an outside shot of the lab, where we hear Diane Russ and the Sublimes sing the closing end tag line to a "Motown" version of the PatB theme . . . ]

THE SUBLIMES: [Voiceover] They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, ooooooooooohhhh . . . .

[From off-screen, we hear Billie say: "Hey, what about me?! Hmph . . . "]

[The final musical notes strike, signaling . . . ]

Pinky: Rob Paulsen
The Brain/Ed Sullivan: Maurice LaMarche
Billie: Tress MacNeille
Beehive-Wearing Secretary: Michelle Nichols
Larry Gaudy: James Avery
Young Axel Foley: Future Harbinger of the Apocalypse
Axel's Father: Concerned over his son's language skills development
Axel's Mother: Ditto
Billie's Backup Choir: 1966 Detroit Gospel Sing-off Champs
Diane Russ: Cree Summers
The Captain Marvelettes/the Sublimes: Various
Larry Beige: Barry White

Pinky, the Brain, Billie, Acme Labs, "Yakko's World" 2000 Warner Bros. Used without permission.

Axel Foley, "Star Trek" and related elements Paramount Studios. Used without permission.

"Ebony", "Jet" magazines and published by Johnson Publications, Inc. Used without permission.

The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Temptations, Janis Joplin, the Who, the Doors, the Beatles, Paul Revere and the Raiders, Lawrence Welk, and (unless it's in public domain by now) Scott Joplin's "Maple Leaf Rag" all their respective people/owners

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