By: Brainatra, Romey,
Capt. Caps, and Craig
Story idea and Edits by: Brainatra
[Fade into the Warner Bros. Water Tower, and fade into its interior. We see the place
has been done up for Christmas; the usual Christmas special type of cartoon gags are
seen---three 8-foot long giant stockings with the Warners' names on each one, a platter
containing a note for Santa, milk, and (eaten) cookies, etc. We see the Warners are
sitting on a couch, watching TV; they look rather contented and sleepy. Mugs of hot cocoa
with candy canes in them are seen resting by each Warners' side.]
YAKKO: [Flatly] Cool. We get to do our own Christmas fanfic special.
WAKKO: [Flatly] Yeah. [Burps] Mmm...great cookies!
DOT: [Flatly] Whoopie. I can only imagine what pointless gags we'll get to do in *this*
YAKKO: Yeah...we already did the "giant stockings over the fireplace" bit...
WAKKO: Hmm...I guess I could promote "Wakko's Wish" some more!
YAKKO: May as well---given the so-called advertising "budget" we were handed
by the execs at WB. [To Dot] How's it holding up, by the way?
DOT: Uh...[Digs under the couch cushions, and hauls out a handful of change]
YAKKO: [Looking at the change] Aaaaaaah, better start pushin' it *hard*, Wakko.
[Cut to a shot of the TV. We see our old "friend" and ex-Harbinger of the
Apocalypse, Axel Foley, dressed in a "Santa" costume and holding a
nicely-wrapped package; he's in what looks like a festively decorated house.]
AXEL: And that's how to make a nice little bundled package, see? And I don't mean the
"bundle" those [bleep]s I arrested made for hawkin' overpriced bootleg P*k*mon
figures this time of year! [A doorbell rings; Axel makes a face at the camera similar to
his "surprised" "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" SNL sketch look.] Now
*who* could that be at my door? [Mutters] Better not be more [bleep]in' door-to-door roast
beast salesmen again...
[Axel opens the door; he finds standing there the current cast of "Saturday Night
CASTMEMBER: Axel! Won't you *please* come back to our show?! Our ratings have been in
the dumpster for years---we're losin' to reruns of "Star Trek:Voyager", for
Pete's sake! And that "Weekend News Update:The Movie" bombed faster than
"It's Pat:The Movie" did! *Pleeeease*?!?
AXEL: [Annoyed] Uh...*NO*! [Slams the door shut]
AXEL: [To the camera] [Does his staccato laugh] Heh...heh...heh...sorry ya had ta see
ol' Axel do that, folks! But now, I'm gonna show ya my mother's special Christmas cookie
DOT: Better take notes, guys...especially given what happened to the *first* six
batches we made! [She glances at Wakko]
WAKKO: [Licking his lips] Faboo! Crank it up!
[The sibs crank up the volume. ]
AXEL: OK, the first [bleep]in' thing we need is---
[Axel's image is cut off, replaced by Fred Doppel of "Punchline"'s image. A
picture over his shoulder shows a depiction of Santa Claus. A caption in the screen's
corner reads "Crisis at the North Pole"]
DOPPEL: We interrupt "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Foley: An Axel Foley
Christmas" for this special report!
WAKKO: Awwww...just when it was starting to get to the good part!
DOPPEL: Noted secular Christmas season icon Santa Claus, a.k.a Kris Kringle, a.k.a. the
jolly fat guy in the red suit, reports that a crisis has struck his North Pole workshop!
For details, we go live to Santa's Workshop!
[The screen image cuts to a shot of various elves running around the workshop, looking
half-panicked...a "Punchline" reporter is seen trying to interview the elves.]
REPORTER: Um, sir...? Could you tell us what's happened here?
ELF: [Panicked] Disaster...bad...chaos...all gone! Aaaah! [The elf runs off.]
[Cut to the Warners.]
YAKKO: That was bordering on coherence.
[Cut back to the TV screen, where we see Santa himself talking to the reporter.]
SANTA: That's right---not only has someone stolen my sled and reindeer, but also our
entire stock of toys! Without those, I won't be able to make my rounds this year!
REPORTER: [To the camera] You heard right, folks...some unknown miscreant has managed
to clean out Santa's workshop!
SANTA: [Sounding worried] Indeed...I knew I should've installed a car alarm on the
REPORTER: Any clues as to who could've made off with the sled and toys?
SANTA: No, I'm afraid not...[shakes his head sadly]...but if I don't find out who's
stolen it all soon, I'll have no choice but to sit out my rounds this year! As well as
file missing reindeer reports...
[Cut to the Warners, who gasp.]
YAKKO: But---if he doesn't make his rounds, then that means...no...Pamela Anderson
WAKKO: No...Don Knotts videos!
DOT: No...Mel Gibson! [Y&W gives Dot a weird look.] What?! You think I'd settle for
anything less than the real Mel himself?!
YAKKO: And if there's no Santa makin' the rounds, that means no...[His eyes
widen]...*NO 'WAKKO'S WISH' VIDEOS FOR ANYONE*!!
[The Warners scream very loudly.]
WAKKO: [Panicked] What'll we *do*, Yakko?! It's our last animated hurrah! We *can't* go
out like *that*!!
DOT: Yeah! [W&D begin sobbing]
YAKKO: Take it easy, siblings! [Hops off the couch, pounds his chest] There's only one
thing left to do! ...Unfortunately, I have no idea what that is!
DOT: Um...how about if we go to the North Pole to try to track down whoever made off
with Santa's loot?
YAKKO: Great idea, Dot! Come on, sibs! Let's head north!
[Music begins to swell up in the background, to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Comin'
[The Warners begin to sing.]
YAKKO: Oooh, you'd better watch out!
WAKKO: Better not cry!
DOT: Better not pout!
YAKKO: Cause I'm tellin' you whyyyy...
WARNERS: "Wakko's Wish" is comin'...to towwwwn! [The music ends]
[The Warners do a spin-change into winter clothes, and race out of their tower. We see
them race out the studio gate, and head for the Los Angeles international
airport...meanwhile, fade to Acme Labs, where we see that Brain, Pinky, and Billie have
seen this same news program.]
BRAIN: Pinky...are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: Um, I think so, Brain, but what if Jack Frost and Robert Frost *aren't* related?
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky, think! Obviously, someone has sinister motives in mind to target
Santa's workshop in such a thorough manner! With such resources in his possession, this
person may even be plotting to take over the world before *we* do!
BRAIN: Indeed, Pinky. The fact that this miscreant's made off with the massive stock of
videos of our last hurrah, "Wakko's Wish", makes this action even more
egregious! Come, Pinky, Billie, we must head for the North Pole and find out who did this!
BILLIE: Um, Eggy, don't ya think we should call the Warners for help on this?
BRAIN: I see no need to do that, Billie! Besides, with the fame we'll garner for [Makes
fingers into quote marks] "saving Christmas", the public will surely proclaim us
world rulers in no time flat! Pack your winter clothes, you two...we're going to the North
Pole! [Brain heads over to the phone to make reservations for their trip to the Arctic, as
the other two mice begin packing mouse-sized suitcases...]
[Music begins to swell up in the background again, to the tune of "Rudolph the
PINKY: [Singing] The Brain, the big-head lab mouse! Had a very widened skull! And if
you ever saw him, you would even say---
BRAIN: [Flatly, from off-camera.] "you're dull"...dull-*witted*, that is! Now
quit singing and finish packing! There'll be plenty of time for yuletide singing later!
PINKY: *POIT*! OK, Brain!
[Fade to black, with sinister orchestra music playing.]
[Cut to a commercial promoting one of 8 airings of "It's a Wonderful Life",
squeezed between ads promoting "A Very Special P*k*mon Christmas"...]
[Cut to LAX International Airport, where Yakko, Wakko and Dot are waiting on a ticket
WAKKO: How long are we going to be here?
DOT: Yeah, my legs hurt!
[Cut to Slappy's house, where she's watching the special on TV.]
SLAPPY: Your legs hurt? I've been running around defeating schmucks for 60 years, so
don't go telling me about pain.
[Cut back to Yakko.]
YAKKO: I've found a way around this! I've bought our "Warner Academy" police
badges with us. Watch...and learn! [Yakko starts making his way through the line.] Make
way! California police coming through! C'mon, Wakko! C'mon, Dot! The fate of Christmas
lies in our hands!
[Cut to the inside of the plane. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are resting in 3 chairs.]
YAKKO: That was quick! Say, Dot, what's the in-flight movie?
DOT: "Ernest Goes To Hades"!
YAKKO: [Flatly] Uh...Ha Ha! That gag is 10 years out of date!
[Cut to Captain Caps sitting at his computer.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Hey, it's the best I could come up with! No, wait a minute! Strike the
Ernest movie...I've got an even better idea! [Maniacal laughter as we cut back to the
PLANE CAPTAIN'S VOICE: We're sorry! Instead of "Ernest Goes to Hades", we
will treat you to the director's cut of "P*k*mon: The First Movie"!
YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Suddenly, we hear a familiar voice from a seat next to them.]
MYSTERY VOICE: Do you have cheeseballs on this flight? And will Bob Barker be appearing
in the movie?
YAKKO, WAKKO and DOT: Oh No!
[The Warners turn around, and find the voice belongs to one Pip Pumphandle.]
PIP: Anyway, I went to see "Phantom Menace", and thought that that 'Jar Jar'
character reminded me of J.J. from "Good Times", given they both have J.J. as
initials...isn't that the oddest coincidence?
YAKKO: [Agitated] Aaaaargh! What'll we *do*?! We couldn't get rid of this guy *last*
WAKKO: Yeah...he even pulled that "two places at once" bit on *us*!
DOT: [Flatly] *Yeah*...that, and the "Pokemon" movie, to boot.
YAKKO: I've got an idea! [Yakko pulls from off-camera a fellow plane passenger...namely
SNIPES: What th--?! I'm supposed to be passenger 57, not
YAKKO: Pip, meet Wes...Wes, Pip. Byeee! [The Warners race to the plane's exit doors,
whip out parachutes, and jump. Pip briefly acknowledges Wesley's presence, then continues
to drone on.]
[Cut to the Warners on the ground, sometime later...they appear to be stranded in San
Francisco; in the background, a few cable cars go by.]
YAKKO: Great...at this rate, we'll never get to the North Pole in time!
WAKKO: What'll we do now?
DOT: Make a bunch of pointless, obscure San Francisco-related jokes?
WAKKO: Go berserk and harass every other person who walks by? [We see Jennifer Elfman
and Thomas Gibson of "Dharma and Greg" fame walk by; Wakko goes over to them and
does that "two places at once" bit to them. Greg screams, while Dharma has a
blank look on her face. Yakko jumps into Dharma's arms, and begins kissing her. Dot merely
DOT: Ugh...to think if Brainatra *weren't* writing this part *or* playing story editor,
we could've *avoided* this bit again...
[Suddenly, a bus pulls up in front of the group; it reads "To Fairbanks,
DOT: Whaddya think?
YAKKO: Beats walking north for several thousand miles...let's take it! We can get to
the North Pole from Fairbanks by plane or sleddogs or something!
[The Warners leave Dharma and Greg behind, and climb the bus. The bus takes off...]
[While all this is going on, cut to the lab mice, who're sitting inside of a box
postmarked for Fairbanks, Alaska. The box, for reasons only beknownst to Captain Caps, is
being transported on the same bus that the Warners are riding on, instead of through the
U.S. Postal Service.]
BRAIN: Soon, we'll reach Alaska, and from there, we'll charter a plane to take us to
the North Pole! *YES*! And after we stop that vile yuletide thief, the world will soon
[The box suddenly rattles sharply.]
PINKY: *POIT*! What's going on?!
BILLIE: I dunno...but I think we're gonna find out!
[Cut to the outside of the bus, just split-seconds earlier. We see a street gang
adorned in red bandanas and Guns 'N' Roses tour jackets. Their leader, "Whitey",
WHITEY: What the [bleep] is that bus doing invading our turf? Hey, Rico, slash the
[Rico, one of Whitey's fellow gangmembers, does so, causing the bus to skid to a stop
near a traffic light. Yakko steps out.]
YAKKO: Hey, hey, hey, what's the big idea?
RICO: This is the big idea, puppy-child! We're gonna ground you up, and feed you to
those pitbulls over there!
YAKKO: Please don't! We're on a mission to save Christmas.
WHITEY: Wait a minute! I heard about that! Hold back the weapons! Explain your story!
DOT: Well, it turns out that Santa Claus has had his house raided!
RICO: [Bleep], dude! I know how that feels!
DOT: Anyway, although we're sure that North Pole police are on the case, we need to
WHITEY: Why you?
WAKKO: You see, we're the stars of the late, great series "Animaniacs"! Our
show was canceled by pinheaded WB executives in favor of P*k*mon dominating the Kids WB
[Dre, another gang member, speaks...]
DRE: P*k*mon?! I hate those things, especially that [bleep]ing glorified electric rat
WAKKO: Indeed! Anyway, our final hurrah is a Christmas movie called "Wakko's
Wish"! Lots of kids wanted it for Christmas, but since the big S.C.'s stuff got
hijacked, those plans have been screwed up!
DRE: Well, in that case, [bleep] the killing, we'll help you save Christmas!
WHITEY: Those thugs that ripped Saint Nick off need to get ready for the power of
[Pinky, Brain and Billie make their way off the bus.]
BRAIN: What was that awful racket?
YAKKO: Hi, Brain! We're saving Christmas with assistance from this gang!
RICO: C'mon, hop into our Cadillac! We've got to save Christmas! And besides that,
we're wanted men!
BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow] "Wanted men"?!
[The gang hops into the Cadillac, and speeds off into the sunset.]
[Cut to the lab mice, riding in the backseat of the Cadillac...Brain looks rather
PINKY: Um...what's wrong, Brain?
BRAIN: [Annoyed] What's wrong? First of all, we're heading *north*, so we *can't* be
heading "into the sunset", as the previous narrative description infers. Second,
we were being *mailed* to the North Pole in a package meant to be delivered by express air
mail, *not* by the bus that the Warners were riding. I won't even get into where
continuity-wise this story fits in with our other present-day and future adventures...
BILLIE: Aw, don't worry about it, Eggy...I think this thing's just meant to make fun of
cheesy TV Christmas specials. Besides, if this story's anything like the typical
rerun-to-death Christmas special, it probably *doesn't* fit into any continuity exactly,
Eggy...makin' it easier for the network to rerun it to death every year without worryin'
about actual temporal logic! As well as giving the network an easier time of slicing it up
for more commercials...
BRAIN: [Startled] Oh...of course...I see...very well, then...
WAKKO: This thing's not in any specific continuity? Faboo! [Yanks down behind the group
a background of Santa's Workshop, with Santa's sleigh filled to the limit with
"Wakko's Wish" videos and DVDs. All look bewildered.] Here we are, then! The end
of the story! Ta-daaa!
DOT: [Annoyed] Billie means this doesn't necessarily fit with *other* stories,
Wakko...that doesn't mean there's no continuity in *this* one! [Muttering] This isn't a
*Flintstones* Christmas special....
WAKKO: Oops...sorry! [Wakko "rolls up" the Santa's Workshop background,
revealing the Interstate once more. The gang looks startled.]
RICO: Hey, how'd ya do that, man?
YAKKO: Aaaahh..."Christmas magic"?
BRAIN: *What* "Christmas magic"? That was just another typically lame cartoon
YAKKO: I know, but this *is* a Christmas special...
BRAIN: Don't remind me...
[The background music begins to play a "Christmas"-y version of the A! theme
song, as we see the Cadillac cruise up the western half of the North American continent.
We see the gang engage in multiple McDonald's pit stops and the usual mind-numbing spatial
distortion gags. Finally, they reach Fairbanks, Alaska.]
WAKKO: [Admiring the scenery] Oooh...
BILLIE: [Also admiring the scenery] No wonder Jack London liked this place so much!
BRAIN: Indeed...now we must charter a plane! [To the gang members] Will you be
RICO: Naaah, man, we're so filled with Christmas cheer that we're gonna head back to
the lower 48 states and do a few good deeds!
WHITEY: Yeah, man...I think I'm gonna volunteer to distribute presents to poor
kids...[Digs out a toolbox] I wonder if they already have a travel socket wrench set...
[The gang drive off, singing "Deck the Halls"...]
BRAIN: [Making a face] Ugh...like I was saying about holiday special saccharineness...
DOT: Never mind that now! We've gotta charter a plane to the North Pole!
[Cut to some time later...we see the gang flying in a small, private plane; snow is
seen blowing about.]
YAKKO: Aaaaah, are you sure this private pilot's the best the Fairbanks airport had?
BRAIN: Of course! I have the utmost confidence in his flying skills!
[Pan to the cockpit to see that the pilot is dressed in a First World War-style
aviator's uniform...he also looks rather poultry-like.]
YAKKO: Be that as it may, I'm going to the cockpit to see who the pilot is!
[Yakko opens the cockpit door, and it's revealed to be...]
YAKKO: Chicken Boo?! Great, our pilot is a chicken! At least they have TV on this
flight...I'm heading back to my seat! I think we should check in on this Axel Foley
[As Yakko returns to his seat, we see Wakko and Dot sitting in wonderment at the TV. On
it, Axel is running around in an angry huff.]
AXEL: For God's sake, why won't those [bleep]ing [bleep]s from "SNL" leave me
[Outside one of Axel's windows, we see various "Saturday Night Live" cast
members with their faces pressed against the glass.]
AXEL: Leave me the [bleep] alone! You know what? [Bleep] this special, I'm out of here!
I'm Axel Foley...Have a merry [bleep]ing Christmas! [Bleep] it, I'm going to...Alaska!
I've got to save Santa!
YAKKO: Hey, we're supposed to save Santa, not Axel!
WAKKO: Yeah, and besides, Santa lives at the North Pole, not Alaska!
[Suddenly, Axel pops up out of nowhere.]
AXEL: Sorry, Yakko! I had to do something to avoid those [bleep]ing "SNL"
DOT: How'd you get here?
AXEL: Holiday magic!
WAKKO: I think I'm about to throw up from all these Christmas cliches!
AXEL: Hey, you think you have a [bleep]ing problem with this piece of [bleep]? I have
an even bigger problem! It's that [bleep]ing Captain Caps!
[Cut to Captain Caps sitting at his computer.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Okay, so I slipped up on continuity and other things! You think this is
bad? You should see me in real life!
[Cut back to the airplane.]
YAKKO: How many minutes until we land?
WAKKO: I think we have 2 minutes!
[Suddenly, the plane stops in mid-air...]
YAKKO: Aaaaah, did someone forget to refuel before takoff?
[Everyone stares at Wakko]
WAKKO: Hey, it wasn't my responsibility!
[All are silenced by a strange blinding light which is orbiting around the plane,
almost as if it were inspecting the interior. Stuff starts to float around weightlessly.
The bolts fly off the cabin door, which seems to open under some unearthly power.]
DOT: Great, like we needed an alien abduction right in the middle of a holiday
AXEL: Holy [bleep], will ya look at that?!
[A rather thin guy wearing a tool belt and dressed as Santa steps in. A nametag on his
shirt reads: "TIM". The passengers stare in total confusion at this guy.]
TIM: Hey! There's a light on this plane that... that won't light on one side! There's
no need to visit my workshop, so don't you all fear! I'm gonna fix this faulty flight in
[He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work,
He filled up the fuel tanks; fixed the light with a jerk,
Then laying a finger on his trusted Binford drill,
He screwed the door back on with questionable skill.
He tested the welding; gave the handle a jiggle,
But just to be sure, he tried kicking it a little.
And then he exclaimed, much to everyone's fright,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, I'M JOINING THE FLIGHT!!!"]
YAKKO: I dunno, Dot. I think an alien abduction would've been preferable...
DOT: Yeah, at least they'd have competent repairmen on board...
TIM: Hey, I'm competent! [He pulls out a dictionary to check] At least, I think I am...
[Wakko whispers something to Yakko]
YAKKO: Hey, that's right! You work for D*sney! Get 'em sibs!
[The Warners pounce on Tim]
AXEL: Hold it!!!
[The Warners freeze in place]
AXEL: I thought you three decided you wouldn't hold that against people anymore! You
don't even know what the [bleep] he's doing here! [Turns to Tim] What are you [bleep]in'
doing here anyway?
TIM: Long story... Suffice it to say that I was looking forward to a new set of tools
for Christmas this year. I heard about the North Pole crisis, and figured this was the
only way to straighten things out! Besides, there's this clause in my contract...
[Meanwhile, the mice are in the back of the plane observing this bizarre occurrence]
BRAIN: Does any of this seem frightfully strange to you two?
PINKY: Oh yes, Brain! They forgot to serve us those little honey roasted peanuts, Narf!
BRAIN: No, Pinky! It's almost as if... as if we were trapped in some inane holiday
BILLIE: Whatever gave you that idea, Egghead?
[Brain turns around. From behind the mice, we can see that they are actually on a
studio soundstage with various cameras and microphones aimed at them. An angry TV exec
resembling Bill Murray walks buy, screaming at the crew.]
BRAIN: Never mind, you wouldn't believe me anyway...
DIRECTOR: Cut! Lunch Break!
[Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Axel and Tim walk off the "airplane" and head to the
YAKKO: What a merry Christmas...not!
WAKKO: More outdated references!
AXEL: And from "Saturday Night [bleep]ing Live", no less! Can't I escape it?
[The TV executive, who really is Bill Murray, walks out.]
MURRAY: Hey, Axel, my main man! Hey, I'm going to be hosting "SNL" next
AXEL: [Cutting him off] Before you even [bleep]ing start, I'm not going to be part of
that [bleep]y SNL show thing ever again! [Bleep], I could go to "Mad [bleep]ing
TV" and I wouldn't feel a [bleep]ing thing in my soul! So [bleep] off!
[As Axel continues his profane tirade, we cut to the Warners' trailer where they're
DOT: Coffee? No, No, No! We're drinking root beer! Always remember that coffee sends
Wakko over the edge!
YAKKO: That is key to remember! Anyway, I feel very tired! We've been working all
weekend, and we'll still be working for Lord knows how long! We might not even get this
completed by Christmas!
WAKKO: Scary thought!
[Pan through the Warner's trailer to a phone booth, where Tim is talking on the phone.]
TIM: Hey, Morty, tell me why I'm doing this again! Oh, right, I owe Spielberg a favor
for saving my career once "Home Improvement" was canceled! "Galaxy
Quest" had better do well at the box office, or it's into the dark land of those
DIRECTOR: Actors back to the set in one minute!
TIM: Okay! I gotta go, Morty! See you later! Yes! Happy Hanukkah! I'm out!
[As Tim hangs up the phone, the other actors walk back to the set.]
BILL: Okay! Let's start this again! Let's also do it better this time, 'K? Thanks!
Let's make magic!
DIRECTOR: Okay, "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas",
Scene...Whatever...Take one! Aaaaaaan, *action*!
[Cut back to the plane, which is finally pulling in for a landing at a North Pole
runway; we see a complex and sprawling castle-like facility sitting nearby. The Warners,
Axel, Tim, and the mice all climb out. The poultry-like pilot stays behind, however, and
whips out a magazine labeled "Indiana Hoosier Farmer Monthly---Special All-Hen
Edition!" with a photo of a hen on the cover. "Hello, Nurse"-esque
saxophone music plays.]
DOT: [Glancing back at the "pilot"] That was pointless...
BILLIE: Yeah...now let's get to the workshop!
[The gang all head for the workshop's entrance...once there, they see that everything's
similar to what the "Punchline" newscast showed: elves running around
half-panicked, with a worried-looking Santa staring at something on the floor.]
AXEL: Hey, St. Nick! No need to fear, me and my crew's here! [Staccato laugh] No need
for introductions, as I'm sure you know who we are---y'know, that whole "who's been
naughty and who's been nice" thing!
SANTA: Y-You're here to help?! That's *wonderful*! [The elves stop panicking, and walk
over to Santa and the heroes]
AXEL: Yeah, and since I'm a [bleep]in' cop, I'll arrest that crazy [bleep] that swiped
all of your presents and your sled! [Scratches his head] It'd help if we had a few clues
as to what happened, though.
SANTA: [Shakes his head] No, Mr. Foley, we don't have many clues. Whoever stole the
items in question disabled all the alarms *and* the security camera system! As well as
tying up several of my elves! The only clue we have is---*this*! [Santa points to a
shredded up piece of yellow cloth] It's not from any of our toys, or any of our
clothing...but it's the only clue we have! [Hands the piece of cloth to Brain.]
BRAIN: Perhaps if we were to investigate the surrounding area, we'd be able to find
more clues as to who the perpetrators are!
SANTA: [Laughs] Ho-ho-ho! An excellent idea, er...Brain, is it?
BRAIN: [Nervously] Um...yes...
SANTA: No need to be nervous, Brain; I've long since discovered about your little
failed attempt to take over the North Pole through Noodle Noggin dolls!
BRAIN: Y-you have?!
SANTA: Yes...but I'm willing to forgive you for that, if you'll help us on this case!
BRAIN: Of course! YES! Let us be off, then...
SANTA: Wait! You'll need a few assistants to help you navigate the surrounding area...a
few of my elves will be willing to assist you. Elfy? Skippy? Slappy?
[Three elves walk up; "Elfy" looks like the typical Santa Claus elf, while
Slappy and Skippy are wearing elves costumes; Elfy and Skippy smile, while Slappy looks
SLAPPY: Hello, there, gang...any cracks, and it's dynamite city for all of you! I'm
just doin' this razza-frazzin' thing for Skippy here! Even though I just gave 'im a
truckload 'a stuff for Chanukah!
BRAIN: I thought you were Jewish, Slappy...that "Twas the Night Before
Christmas" poem you read aside...
SLAPPY: Yeah, yeah, I *am*, but these lousy contract requirements and Skippy bein' so
swayed by all the Christmas hype...
SANTA: [Laughing] That's not the type of attitude we need at this time of year, Slappy!
Come on, where's your holiday spirit?
SLAPPY: Back at the synagogue in Burbank, buddy...
ELFY: [Sounding chipper] Aw, don't feel bad, Slappy! After we crack this case, I'll
finally get to become head elf! It's my lifelong ambition! That, and being a
dentist...don't worry, soon, the whole *world* will be celebrating the Christmas spirit in
full swing again!
SLAPPY: Um, speakin' of "the whole world", what about *Chanukah*,
AXEL: Or Kwanzaa? [Slappy stares at him] Y'know, the holiday founded in 1966 as a means
for African-Americans to celebrate their heritage and culture for the one-week period
following Christmas and de-emphasizing materialistic values? [The rest mumble
"oh,yeah" type of remarks]
[Zip pan to Brainatra, at a library computer; the guy next to him is busy trying to
hack into the FBI's computer system]
BRAINATRA: What can I say? I thought Kwanzaa was worth mentioning...especially in light
of the odds of KWB mentioning it even in a recycled-stock-footage-promo form being pretty
slim... [Several cops come along to arrest the guy sitting next to Brainatra; Brainatra
[Zip pan back to the group.]
ELFY: Anyway, after all this blows over, we'll all get to have cake and candy and lots
and lots of presents! Won't that be *swell*?
SLAPPY: Yeah, yeah, whatever, "Elfy"...come on, let's get this over with
before another freakin' song breaks out again!
SANTA: I'll have the elves fuel up a few snowmobiles for you all to use; in the
meanwhile, make yourselves at home!
[More music swells up in the background, to the tune of "Jingle Bell
SLAPPY: Aw, *no*...[Slaps on a pair of headphones, which blare out the soundtrack to
"The Iron Giant"]
[Cut to the Warners racing around Santa's Workshop, with Dot madly pressing various
buttons, Wakko eating cans of paint, and Yakko harassing a tall, female elf that looks
Hello Nurse-like. We also see Tim trying to soup up one of the snowmobiles, Pinky and
Billie playing with a dollhouse-sized badminton set, and Axel telling some anecdote to one
of the elves. Brain merely looks bored.]
ELVES: [Singing] Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock...jingle bells swing and
jingle bells ring...snowing and blowing up bushels of fun...now the jingle hop has begun!
BRAIN: [Flatly] Nice to see that the writer couldn't be bothered to at least come up
with *parody* lyrics for this song...
[Cut to a shot of the Warners on pogo sticks, bouncing past several elves...]
ELVES: [Singing] Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock...jingle bells chime in
jingle bell time...
BILLIE: Greenwich Mean Time or Eastern Standard Time? [All look at her] Never mind...
BRAIN: I thought you weren't concern over temporal logic in this thing...
BILLIE: Well, maybe a *little*...
ELVES: [Singing] Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square...in the frosty air!
[A quick shot of Yakko imitating Dick Clark at Times Square on New Year's Eve; Wakko is
seen taking a bite out of the giant mirrored ball.]
ELVES: [Singing] What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night
away...jingle bell time is a swell time...to go gliding in a one-horse sleigh!
[Cut to a shot of the mice riding in a "one-horse sleigh", namely one pulled
by Phar Fig Newton; Billie looks slightly annoyed...]
ELVES: [Singing] Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet...jingle around the clock!
SLAPPY: Ugh...I can't believe they're singin' the whole thing! [Cranks up the volume on
her headset to its maximum setting.]
ELVES: [Singing] Mix and a-mingle in the jingling feet...that's the jingle bell, that's
the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell roooooock!
[The song ends, as we see various shots of: Wakko eating Mrs. Claus' cookies, Yakko
kissing the female elf, Dot jumping up and down on one of the elves' heads mindlessly, Tim
being electrically shocked by his snowmobile modifications, Billie and Phar Fig Newton
arguing, Pinky laughing at a TV playing the "Year Without a Santa Claus"
Christmas special, Brain and Slappy drinking eggnog at a elf-sized bar trying to ignore
all this, and Axel handing a hefty Christmas list to Santa...the elves all giggle and
BRAIN: Ugh...at this point, a spatial distortion gag *almost* seems tolerable right
now... [Brain turns around, and finds the Warners standing behind him.]
BRAIN: [Screams] *YAAARGH*! I said *almost*!!
[The Warners giggle]
BRAIN: [Sighs] Let's just get going...
[Cut to the outside of Santa's workshop, near St. Nick's snowmobile fleet. Our heroes
are putting on helmets.]
SANTA: I can't thank you enough for helping me find this thief!
YAKKO: Think nothing of it...Besides, the climax to our on-screen life hangs in the
WAKKO: If we don't save the presents, then I'm not going to be getting royalties from
the sales of this video!
DOT: If we don't save Christmas, I won't be able to get Mel Gibson!
SANTA: [Rolling his eyes] I wouldn't hold your breath, because even if you get the
presents back and figure out who the thief is...
[Dot's eyes grow wide, and a tear falls out.]
SANTA: OK, I'll see what I can work out! Now run along!
PINKY: Run along? We're riding! NARF!
BRAIN: Oh, Lord!
[Our heroes hop on the snowmobiles and ride off into the...oh, wait a minute! Slipped
up once, don't wanna do it again! I'll just say that they rode off!]
YAKKO: [Rolling his eyes] Thank you, Captain Caps...
[As we see our heroes speeding through the snow, "Christmas Wrapping" by the
little-known 80's band The Waitresses plays in the background.]
YAKKO: Have you seen anything?
AXEL: In this [bleep]ing blizzard, no dice!
[Pinky, Brain and Billie pop out of a pocket on Axel's shirt.]
BRAIN: It's bitterly cold in here!
AXEL: Oh, shut the [bleep] up! I'm freezing also!
BILLIE: Hey, look! Stop your snowmobiles! I see a sealed screener copy of "Wakko's
Wish" in the snow over there!
[The snowmobiles swoop around and arrive at the snowbank containing the "Wakkko's
Wish" video copy.]
WAKKO: Yay! We've found out where the villains are located!
DOT: Isn't it a little too soon?
SLAPPY: When it comes to this story, the sooner it's over, the better!
[Our heroes get off their snowmobiles. Axel picks up the screener copy, then he falls
through the ice, followed in rapid order by Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Tim, Slappy, Skippy and
TIM: Hey! I can fix that hole!
AXEL: Absolutely [bleep]ing great! What are we gonna [bleep]ing do now?
[The Warners, mice, squirrels, Tim, Axel, and who knows what else (Elfy: *HEY*!) zip
along a winding tube of ice, ultimately landing in a large metal cage. The top of the cage
YAKKO: That was unexpected...
WAKKO: Where are we?
AXEL: Looks like a [bleep]in' warehouse or something!
TIM: Guess I'd better get to work on breaking us out! Good thing I brought all my power
[Everyone screams and crowds into the opposite side of the cage]
TIM: Hey, I know what I'm doing! Just trust me!
[Meanwhile, the mice, inside Axel's pocket, are discussing the situation]
BRAIN: It may be to our advantage if we left the group to scout this warehouse. What do
you think, Billie?
BILLIE: Agreed, Egghead. Whoever set this trap won't wait long to come for us. If no
one else knows we've left, we'll have the advantage.
PINKY: But we'd have to be the size of *mice* to fit through those bars, Narf!
BRAIN: If it weren't for the holiday season, I'd bop you right now, Pinky. Come, we
have work to do!
[The mice escape just in time. A large muscular guy approaches the trapped heroes. He
addresses them in a familiar accent.]
SLAPPY: Please, not another stinkin' Ah-nold cameo...
ARNOLD: I ahm zorry miz Zlappy! I herd about da ztollen prezends, ahnd my zon vanted
one of zem "Verminator" akzhun figyaz vo Grizmas! Zo I zet a trahp viz zhat
video to catch zem!
SLAPPY: Then could you *please* let us out before Timmy boy here blows us to pieces
trying to break through the bars, already?
ARNOLD: No problemo!
["Ah-nold" rips the cage's bars off, releasing all the trapped heroes...]
TIM: Aww, and I was about to use my new Acme brand portable chainsaw! [Whips out a
pocket knife-sized chainsaw, and activates it...all stare at it blankly, then turn their
attention towards Arnold]
SLAPPY: Thanks for savin' us, Mr. "T2"...now, ya wanna help us catch this
razza-frazzin' thief so you can get one of those "Verminator" figures and we can
get back to our normal lives?
ARNOLD: Of course, Miss Squirrel, but first, you must meet someone!
YAKKO: Aaaah, is this another song excuse?
ELFY: Oh, boy! I *looove* songs! They're so fun and happy and make me feel all good and
Christmasy inside! Yaaaayyy! [Elfy gleefully jumps up and down; the rest stare at him with
blank looks on their faces...]
WARNERS: [Flatly] Be afraid...be *very* afraid...
[The Warners, Axel, Tim, Slappy, Skippy, and Elfy all follow Arnold into a big
chamber...there, we see a giant ice-covered throne. Various "royal" horn blows
ARNOLD: I'd like to introduce you to somevone I met while looking for one of those
Verminator figures...the *Snow Miser*!! [Giggles oddly] Oooh, I love this guy!
[Music swells up, namely the "Snow Miser" theme from "The Year Without a
Santa Claus" Christmas special...we see the Snow Miser, a icy-looking skinny guy with
a long nose and chin walk out, as well as several smaller "Mini-Me" lookalikes
of the Miser. Snow Miser begins singing...]
SNOW MISER: [Singing] I'm Mister Whiiite Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow...I'm Mr.
I-ci-cle...I'm Mr. Ten Below! [Blows "freeze breath" towards Tim, who freezes in
place; we then see Tim tap a miniature blow torch, and begin melting himself.]
SNOW MISER: [Singing] Friends call me Snow Miser, what-e-ver I touch....turns to snow
in my *clutch*! [Grabs Axel's cell phone, and it freezes solid; Axel utters a string of
expletives.] Heh, heh, heh...I'm too much!
[The music ends.]
SNOW MISER: [Sits on his throne] Well, well, well...sorry I had to lock you up like
that, but I can't take any chances, with that thief that's been running around ripping off
Santa and everyone else! Arnold and I were hoping to trap the thief ourselves with that
baited video and turn him in to the authorities, but...
TIM: [Finally unfrozen] So, you know all about the robbery?
SNOW MISER: Yes, I do! Sorry I don't have many clues, but I *do* have this! [Snow Miser
whips out a bigger piece of yellow cloth, similar to what we saw earlier] I don't know
where it came from, but it was left behind earlier today after someone ripped off my stock
of Snow Miser beanbag toys that Santa was planning on taking on this year's ride! [Hands
the cloth to Yakko]
YAKKO: [Taking the cloth] Thanks! Don't worry, we'll find out who stole the loot!
SNOW MISER: You're quite welcome...eh, want to hear my "Snow Miser" song
AXEL: [Chipping away at his frozen cell phone] [Bleep] no, ya crazy cold-blooded
SNOW MISER: Ah, OK...Arnold can show you all out, then! So long!
[All wave so long, and follow Arnold through an exit; moments later on the surface, we
see the group standing by their snowmobiles; however, they note that one snowmobile's
AXEL: Those [bleep] mice must've taken one of the snowmobiles! Ah, well...[hops on
Tim's snowmobile] Let's go!
YAKKO: Yeah...and we'd better catch that thief soon, or Christmas will be ruined!
[Cut to the mice, who're racing through the snow on their pulley-and-rope-rigged
snowmobile; Brain's at the wheel.]
BILLIE: Any idea where we should go?
BRAIN: Not yet, I---wait, *look*! [They stop, and stare upwards.]
[Hovering above the mice is a bizarre probe. Chunks of snow and ice fall off its sides.
The vessel stops just overhead.]
PINKY: Egad, Brain! Do you see that?
BRAIN: How could I miss it?!
BILLIE: [Panicked] Somehow I don't think this is a very good place to be!
[The mice run away as the object plummets from the sky; they don't get far. Stopping
just above the snowmobile, it begins to hum loudly. The sound waves stir up the snow into
a blinding flurry.]
PINKY: Brain? Billie? Where are you?
BILLIE: Over here, Pinky!
BRAIN: Wait! Stay where you are!
[A luminous, neon-blue beam cuts through the cloud of snow. The trio watch as their
snowmobile explodes in a ball of flame. In an instant, the ship rockets out of sight. When
the air clears, Pinky, Billie, and Brain find themselves stranded in the middle of the
[Cut to the rest of our heroes, gathered around a gaping whole in the Arctic ice. Two
new members are with them.]
YAKKO: So let me get this straight. You two are here because...?
SCULDER: Given the facts, I think this toy-theft is part of a huge government
conspiracy meant to put the jolly representation of the holidays out of business.
AXEL: What kind of [bleep]in' explanation is that? We already figured that much...
MULLY: Actually, we're here because Sculder wants his photo taken with Santa.
SCULDER: The truth is out there, Mully.
SLAPPY: Can we just get moving already?!
SCULDER: Not yet. We need to investigate this whole. There might be something of
importance at the bottom...
SLAPPY: Just so long as what we find isn't another danged musical scene, like that last
[Dissolve to a few minutes later. The gang is wandering around the crevice of the
SLAPPY: This certainly is pointless!
YAKKO: Well, we need something to do! Captain Caps is running out of ideas!
[Zip pan to Captain Caps.]
CAPTAIN CAPS: Indeed! I don't even know what to do at this point!
[Zip pan back to Elfy.]
ELFY: Let's sing a song! [Singing] I'm dreaming of a white Christmas!
AXEL: [Bleep], dude! I've had enough! See you in Hades!
[Upon saying this, Axel jumps into a nearby pit. We hear whooshing sound effects.]
DOT: Why did he decide to do that? His career was on another upswing!
AXEL: [V.O] Don't get so [bleeping] weepy-eyed! I'm alive!
SLAPPY: How in the name of Buddy Hackett did you survive that?
AXEL: I landed on a giant pile of [bleeping]... something! My [bleep] hurts!
SCULDER: I think we've found out where the toys are located!
SLAPPY: In this "comedy" [making quotation marks with her fingers] of errors,
I think it's all a stinking lie!
YAKKO: Well, there's only one thing left to do! We need to follow Mr.
Profane-In-The-Membrane down into the hole!
DOT: Mwah! Goodnight Everybody!
YAKKO: Another overused gag...and it's my overused gag to boot!
[Our heroes put on some parachutes and descend into the hole.]
[The gang floats down ever-so-slowly through the downward tunnel, a la Alice in
D*sney's "Alice in Wonderland." Various items float by---they're all toys stolen
from Santa's sleigh. There's an "Earthworm Jim" computer game, a doll of Pikachu
(which Wakko promptly grabs and eats, muttering, "Mm. . .mass-produced
merchandise!"), a talking action figure of Bender from "Futurama" (which
says, "Bite my shiny metal [bleep]"), and finally, a copy of "Wakko's
Wish," which Dot snatches up.]
DOT: This is it! We *ARE* on the trail!
ARNOLD: Yah! Perhaps dere is hope for Christmas after all!
SLAPPY: And our careers!
YAKKO: Onward, men! [Dot glares at him.] And Dot. . . [Mully then gives him a dirty
look.] Oh, and you. . . [Jumping into her arms.] You should get together with me sometime.
We could make beautiful music together!
DOT: *A-HEM* Perhaps you could attend to your hormones later? Right now we're hitting
SLAPPY: If ya ask me, we did so a long time ago. . .
[The gang lands softly next to Axel on a pile of toys. They remove their parachutes.]
TIM: We did it! We saved Christmas!
ARNOLD: Yah, cool your jets, leetle girly boy. Dese ah only a small, pitiful amount of
the many toys. . .
AXEL: Yeah, they're only the [bleep]in' tip of the iceberg.
WAKKO: [Pointing at a door made entirely of ice, in contrast to the rest of the cavern,
which is made up of dirt and such.] Faboo! Hey, what's this?
SCULDER: [Looking at some writing on the door.] It appears to be some sort of alien
code! Mully, this is it! This is the reason I've been put on this planet! [Begins to touch
MULLY: To stare at some gibberish carved into an underground door somewhere in the
Arctic? . . .ugh. . .I need a new partner. . .
YAKKO: [Wiggles his eyebrows.] Well, I'm not doing anything---
DOT: Good. Let's keep it that way. [Jumping into Sculder's arms.] So, Puppy Eyes, have
you figured out the code?
SCULDER: Er. . .well, I. . .
ARNOLD: Enuff of dis garbage, yah? Move eet, wimpy boy, und let me tear down dis weak,
pathetic door! [He attempts to shove Sculder out of the way, but before he can, the door
SCULDER: [Looking with wide eyes.] I did it! I cracked the code!
MULLY: Oh my---
[We see inside the door. It's a Winter Wonderland---everything is made of ice.]
WAKKO: [Running ahead.] Zowie! Last one in is a rotten eggnog! [?Obligatory Christmas
AXEL: [Running after him.] Wait! It could be a [bleep]in' trap! [The others come close
[When they get inside, they see Wakko lying in the snow making Snow Angels.]
WAKKO: C'mon in, guys! The snow is fine! And fun!
ARNOLD: Indeed. . .but joost the same, we'd bettah stay on our toes. . .
[Suddenly, the door slams shut.]
MULLY: Great! Now look where you got us, Sculder. . .Sculder. . .? [Turns to see him
lying in the snow with Wakko. Yakko, Dot, Skippy, Tim, Elfy, Arnold, and Axel are all also
playing in the snow.] Well, at least we don't seem to be in any sort of danger at the
moment. . .
[Suddenly, some sort of music begins playing. As it becomes louder, we can make out
"Feliz Navidad." A few of the gang begin to look worried, while the others begin
to dance to the beat. After a little while, it grows quite loud, and the same two verses
repeat over and over again. Finally, Yakko screams.]
YAKKO: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
MULLY: [For once, no longer calm and levelheaded.] I'm with you! Let's get outta
here!!! [Begins clawing madly at the door. The others writhe in pain on the floor.]
DOT: [Pulling at her ears.] It's terrible! HORRIBLE!!!
SLAPPY: Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!!
AXEL: Alright, ya [bleep]in' [bleep]s, relax! We'll just go through one of these doors
here. [Points to several doors lined up around the room.]
YAKKO: How convenient. . .
[Axel pulls open one of the doors and ushers everyone in. Inside, we see Bing Crosby,
singing "White Christmas."]
SLAPPY: Is there no end to this infernal Christmas music?! [They all zoom out.]
AXEL: Okay, keep your [bleep]in' shirt on! We'll just try another door! [They rush into
another. This time Jimmy Durante is singing "Frosty the Snowman." They again
rush out, and rush into another. Inside this one is Frank Sinatra singing "Chestnuts
Roasting on an Open Fire." They again rush out.]
WAKKO: If I get anymore holiday cheer shoved down my throat, I'll snap!
AXEL: I know, I know, but one of these *HAS* to be the way out! Try this one! [They
rush into another door. We see Minerva standing there, wearing a rather impractical outfit
for the climate, singing "Silver Bells."]
SKIPPY: What're *YOU* doing here?!
MINERVA: Well, I'm getting a cool million for this little cameo. Besides, the author of
this segment wanted to squeeze me in somewhere. . .
[Cut to Craig at his computer.]
CRAIG: Hey, I can't help it if I'm a drooling fanboy. . .and at any rate, I thought we
were gonna give these metahumor jokes a rest for awhile. . . [Picks up his trusty coffee
mug and takes a swig. He looks into the mug with an odd look, and plucks out a little
green thing. He looks at it disgustedly for a moment, then flicks it away, takes another
swig, sets the cup back down, and, shrugging, returns to typing.]
DOT: That was pointless. . .
SLAPPY: GAAHHH! She said it again!
AXEL: And [bleep]in' Brainatra ain't even writing this part. . .
SCULDER: Well, there's one door left. . .and behind it, my destiny awaits. . .
DOT: Um, a word of advice---I don't like a man who overacts, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Bland.
MULLY: Well, there's only one possible way out of here. . .c'mon! [Pushes the door
open; we see the Muppets and Kerry Russell (sp?) as they appear in FOX/K-MART's new
KERMIT: Well, if it isn't our good friends, the Warn--- [Yakko promptly slams the
YAKKO: If there's one thing that could possibly make this story even *WORSE* than it
already is, it's another inter-company crossover. . .
WAKKO: [Crying ice cubes---oh, goody, more old cartoon clichés.] Oh, it's all over! No
more Don Knotts films! No more comic books! And worst of all, no more "Wakko's
Wish"! And I was so looking forward to it---it was named after me and everything! And
now we're stuck here forever!
YAKKO: Aw, cheer up, Wakko---I'm sure everything'll turn out right! It always does!
DOT: Yeah, things always look brighter in the morning. . .
SLAPPY: [Muttering] If you're alive in the morning, that is. . . [Dot glances at her
ARNOLD: Turn dat frown eento something brown!
ELFY: Yeah. After all. . .
[An original song, by Craig.]
When you're feeling low
Like when you have the chicken pox,
Measles, or the mumps
Try to look for the good
Don't always notice the bad
And then you'll see you'll be happy
Instead of always being sad!
[The Bing Crosby, Jimmy Durante, and Frank Sinatra caricatures walk up, along with the
BING: Yeah! After all, ya just gotta. . . [Singing]
Accentuate the positive!
Eliminate the negative. . .
[Speaking] Don't you agree Jimmy, my man?
JIMMY: I think-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-doo!
FRANK: Yeah! Ya just gotta pray that. . . [Singing]
Luck will be a lady tonight!
Yes, luck be a lady tonight!
I know the way way you've treated other guys you've---
KERMIT: What the guys said is true, Wakko! Buck up, old chum!
WAKKO: [Screaming] THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! LET ME OUT!!!
TIM: [Taking charge.] Alright, everyone! This is no time for panic!
AXEL: Then what [bleep]in' time is it?
DOT: Time for "The Wheel of Morality"?
YAKKO: "Time for Beany"?
WAKKO: Time for "Animaniacs"?
TIM: No. . .it's. . ."TOOL TIME"!!! [Grabs Elfy and slaps him into a red
shirt and worn overalls.] I need an Al! You'll have to make do. And a Tool Girl. . .
MULLY: Don't look at me. . .those shorts don't look terribly flattering on me. . .
DOT: I'll do it! I'll do it!
TIM: Alright, the odd puppy child!
[Dot does a quick spin-change into a "Tool Girl" outfit.]
TIM: Now, then, hand me my hammer. [Dot does so.] Excellent! You're so talented! Now go
sit in the corner and look pretty! Now, today Al and I plan to build a makeshift
Do-It-Yourself Acme Ladder, allowing ourselves and our friends to escape this horrible ice
prison by braking up through the ceiling into the ground above. [Pulls out the "Acme
Do-It-Yourself Ladder Kit," and his own Tool Kit.] Now, we start by taking this board
here and nailing it to the wal--- [As he hits the nail, the entire back wall crumbles.]
DOT: Who knew?
ARNOLD: Vell, what are we waaiting for? Let's press forward! The presents can't be far
DOT: Hm. . .not the most comfortable outfit. . . [Does a spin-change back to her
ELFY: [Still dressed as Al.] I like mine! I've always wanted to be a tool guy! It's my
SKIPPY: I thought you wanted to be a dentist? Or the "head elf"?!
ELFY: Eh, I changed my mind. [Skippy looks at him funny.] What, I'm young! I can be
[Our (incredibly large) group of heroes plods forward, leaving Bing, Jimmy, Frank,
& the Muppets behind, waving and shouting "Bye-bye! Good luck!" They walk a
bit, then approach a huge crevice I the ice.]
TIM: Well, it looks like we'll have to get over this gap somehow. . .but we'll need all
the confidence we can muster. . . [Closes his eyes.] [Dramatically.] To infiniteeeeee. .
.AND BEY---[Axel shoves him over.]
AXEL: No time for drama, Tool Boy! We need to take action! We need a *REAL* man! Uh. .
.him! [Points to Wakko. Everyone kind of looks at each other perplexed.]
YAKKO: Wait, I've got it! Wakko, if you could please lend me use of your tongue?
DOT: Not sure if that merits a "Goodnight, everybody," or just a childish
snicker. . .
YAKKO: [Glares at Dot for a second, then turns back to Wakko, grabbing his tongue. He
poses dramatically at the end of the cliff, ready to swing over the edge, using Wakko's
tongue as a makeshift vine.] This one's for Wakko, and Dot, and Pinky and Brain, and
Billie and Slappy, and Mrs. Liverwurst, who taught me that quitting was not an option, and
Mr. O'Hara, who told me I could be anything I wanted to, and little Billy, who's in a bed
in some low-rent hospital in southern Brooklyn, because he dared to believe. . .
DOT: Oh, stop hamming it up and jump.
YAKKO: Right! Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, nurse! [He jumps off
and swings across. Wakko falls over onto all fours and grips the ledge so he doesn't fall
off. Yakko lands on the other side.] Ta-daaa! [He ties the tongue to an icicle on the
ground.] [To us.] Warning: *DO NOT* actually tie your tongue to an icicle, kiddies. Warner
Bros. does not assume responsibility for loss of your lingua or any other bodily
[The others begin to cautiously walk across Wakko's tongue like a bridge. The last is
Skippy. Wakko, who has been desperately hanging on, can no longer take the weight. He
slips and Skippy nearly falls, still gripping tight to Wakko's tongue. Axel reaches down
and catches Skippy in the nick of time. The two smile at each other for a moment, then
Axel sets the kid down. Wakko pulls himself up by his own tongue.]
AXEL: [To Slappy.] I seem to have a [bleep]in' way with kids.
SLAPPY: [A bit angrily.] Yeah, well, let's hope that sailor's mouth doesn't rub off on
him. [They begin to walk. Tim attempts to crawl out of the pit.]
TIM: Wait! Wait! Don't leave me! Hold on! Ugh. . . [Falls back in.] Ah, I need a drink.
[We cut to various shots of the gang walking through the cold ice, uphill, downhill,
and in the ladies' chamber---er, scratch that last one. . .but at any rate, they get more
and more tired each shot, and by the end of the montage, have collapsed on the ground.]
ARNOLD: That's it. . .ve'll never make it. . .
MULLY: [To Sculder.] Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into. I always
knew you were a bit funny in the head, but who'd have guessed you'd lead me to my death by
being frozen in some underground cavern with three odd puppy-things, two squirrels, a
magical elf, a character from the "Beverly Hills Cop" movies, Mr.
"T2," and Tim Allen. . . [We see that Tim has caught up. Mully looks at him
angrily. He waves.]
SCULDER: I'm sorry, Mully, I guess I'm a total washout. . .all I ever wanted was to be
someone. . .to find something really important. . .
MULLY: Oh, Sculder. . .I'm sorry. . .it's not your fault. It's just I. . . [The two
lean in for a kiss, as the others there look on tenderly. They lean closer, closer...then,
suddenly, out of nowhere, zooms the oh-so-toyetic Freakmobile, covering the duo in snow!
The hatch opens, and we see Freakazoid in the driver's seat, accompanied by Foamy the
FREAKAZOID: Need a lift?
[We make a quick cut. We see the gang all squeezed inside the Freakmobile, zooming
through the icy caverns. The FBI Agents are sitting in the front between the Freak and the
Mutt, with the others playing cards, goofing off, reading, etc. in the back. Foamy
constantly gets foam and drool all over Sculder as he chews at the seat, and Sculder
brushes himself off in disgust.]
YAKKO: [Poking his head up from the back.] So, Freakazoid, how did you happen to show
FREAKAZOID: Oh, the producers called me and offered me a big bag of nickels if I agreed
to make an appearance in---oh, you mean the "script" reason! [He pulls out a
copy of the aforementioned document.] Um. . .got it! [Throws it away.] Well, y'see, I was
up this way anyway, because I just saved Christmas from the Grinch, down in Whoville. He
was gonna steal everyone's presents, but I showed him the error of his ways, and his heart
grew three sizes that day! But then, of course, Foamy had to get in a fight with his dog
Max, which really torqued him off again, and he swore to be back next year. . . [Glowers
at Foamy, who's angrily chewing on a fake antler that looks like the one Max wore in Dr.
Seuss/Chuck Jones' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."]
YAKKO: Well. Sorry I asked. At any rate, let's find those presents!
FREAKAZOID: Alright! Let's see. . .uh-oh!
YAKKO: Uh-oh? Eeehhh. . .is "uh-oh" bad?
FREAKAZOID: [In Rugg's "sane" Jerry Lewis voice.] Um. . .well, it would seem
that we have conveniently run out of fuel at this inopportune moment and are slip-sliding
along the ice, heading towards a large cliff-thingee.
DOT: So, in other words. . .
FREAKAZOID: ["Zany" Jerry Lewis voice.] "Uh-oh" is baaad. [Picks up
a cel phone.] [Normal voice.] The Freak-a-Fone, kiddies! Bug your parents for one!
[Dials.] Hello, Cosgrove? Listen, we're in a bit of a jam. . .d'ya think you could, maybe.
. .lend us a hand. . .?
[Cut to Sgt. Cosgrove, talking on a phone in a place that's covered with snow. He's
holding a Snow-Cone from "Sid's Snow Cone City."]
COSGROVE: I'd love to, Freakazoid, but I'm kinda busy at the moment. . . [Pull back to
reveal that there's a huge snowball. There are spots where the snow has melted a bit,
revealing some blue string. There's a sign that reads, "World's Largest Ball of
Yarn," with "yarn" crossed out and "snow" written in crudely
above to fit the ball's new holiday appearance.] Sorry. [Hangs up.]
[Back to the gang, they fast approach the cliff. They go over, and hover in midair for
FREAKAZOID: Awww, nutbunnies!
[They fall and we hear a crash.]
JOE THE ANNOUNCER: What will happen to our heroes? Have they been crushed into millions
of pieces, blood oozing all over? Have their bodies been hideously twisted, all twisty and
hideous? Are they. . .DEAD? Of course not! If you thought they were, you're dumber than
you look! [Pan down to the broken remains of the Freakmobile. Freakazoid and the Warners
poke their heads out, with the others following. A bright light from somewhere offscreen
reflects onto them. Everyone gasps.]
FREAKAZOID: Wow, lookit that! [Zany voice] Lookee! The exit thing that I found is
YAKKO: That was bordering on coher---
DOT: You said that already, Yakko, remember?
YAKKO: I know that, but that doesn't stop the writer from recycling all our best lines!
DOT: [Rolling her eyes] Or that dumb "two places at once" bit...
[Zip pan to Brainatra, still at his library terminal. We see a copy of the Indianapolis
Star's classified employment ads are sprawled open, with multiple listings crossed out
in red ink...]
BRAINATRA: Yeah, yeah...at least this part of the story isn't nearly as epic-length
like Craig's part just was...
[Zip pan back to the massive SNL-ish sized ensemble; we see that they're trying to
figure out how to get through the cavern opening.]
DOT: So, how're we gonna get out of here?
WAKKO: I know! [Music swells up, namely "Jingle Bells".]
WARNERS: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile broke its wheel
and the Joker got a-waaaaaayyyyy!! [The music ends.]
AXEL: Hey! Why'd you crazy [bleep]s do *that* for?!
WAKKO: Sorry...we just *had* to stick that song in at some point in this thing!
AXEL: [Flatly] Yeah, yeah...now can we figure out a way out of this place?
WAKKO: No problem! [Wakko whips out his "wacky sack", and pulls from it a
ladder. All climb up it to the cavern opening.]
TIM: Aww...I'll *never* be able to do something like that...
ELFY: Aw, don't worry, Mr. Allen...with "holiday magic", anything's
possible...[More music swells up; Slappy merely sighs, and slaps on her headphones.] Don't
give up hope, Mr. Allen!
[Generic "sappy" "hope"-themed Christmas special music]
ELFY: [Whose eyes have gotten "cutesy" looking]
Hope is what Christmas day does beam,
Hope for toys that Santa brings,
[Cut to a "flashback" shot of Axel as a young kid, with his parents on
Christmas morning; the Foley family living room looks destroyed, with various toys,
wrapping paper, etc. lying everywhere. Both parents look rather tired, and are drinking
mugs of coffee.]
Hopes of 'toons to get back on top,
[Cut to a scene of a TV displaying "The All-New-Episode Animaniacs Marathon!"
with a blurb in the corner reading "Catch P*k*mon's Last Episode!"]
Hopes of mice whose plans do flop,
[Cut to a scene of Pinky and Brain in "Motown" clothing, and Billie in
"hippie" clothes, being booed off a stage, as seen in the fanfic story
Hope for squirrels of Jewish faith,
[Cut to a shot of Slappy and Skippy lighting a menorah in their tree; Skippy gleefully
eyes one of his Chanukah gifts.]
Hope for actors who need big breaks,
[Cut to a shot of Arnold, Tim, Axel, and Sculder glancing at the reviews for "End
of Days", "The Santa Clause", "Metro", and "Playing
God"; the four seem to be writhing in pain and gnashing their teeth over the
Hope for kids who beg a lot,
[Cut to a shot of parents looking frenzied in a "Toys R Mine" store; one of
them shakes a clerk madly, and is yelling "where's those [bleep]in' Tickle Me Pikachu
Hope, for fanfic writers who haaaaaave....a......ploooooootttttt!! [Music builds up to
a crescendo here, as a light shines down on Elfy...we see briefly superimposed above
Elfy's head the heads of Craig, Romey, Brainatra, and Capt. Caps. The song ends.]
DOT: Gee, that actually wasn't half...bad.
WAKKO: Yeah...I mean, hope...that we'll get back on the air...someday...
YAKKO: Yeah...really... [All 3 Warners break down into crying; Skippy pats them on the
SKIPPY: There, there, you guys...we'll get back on the air someday!
[Pan over to Slappy, the X-Files agents, and Axel, who've been listening to their own
personal Walkmen for this whole song segment.]
SLAPPY: [Taking hers off] Hey, guys...I think the song's over! [The other 3 remove
their Walkmen as well.]
AXEL: Thanks for bringin' the extra [bleep]in' Walkmen, Slappy!
SLAPPY: Eh, no problem...
ELFY: Awww, didn't you get hear the song? I could sing it again!
ELFY: But it was such a *good* song, and it's sure to help me become the "head
elf"! It's my lifelong dream and hope!
SLAPPY: Aaaah, stuff it, ya putz! Let's get this razza-frazzin' thing over with
[The gang all walk through the cavern opening, to find none other than massive piles of
toys; P*k*mon merchandise, "Wakko's Wish" videos, Snow Miser beanbag dolls,
various other toys, tools, etc. are all seen in separate piles. We also see Santa's sleigh
near what looks like the main exit to the cavern, with the reindeer (including Rudolph)
tied to it. The reindeer are all bounded and gagged.]
[Everyone's eyes light up at this sight...]
YAKKO: *YES*! The missing loot! Come on, let's untie Blinky Nose and his friends! [The
group rush over to the reindeer, and untie all of them...]
RUDOLPH: Thanks, all of you...but we've gotta get out of here, before that nasty
villain comes back! [To Elfy] Hey, Elfy.
ELFY: Hey, Rudy.
DOT: That was pointless. [Yelling skyward] And I *really* mean it this time, Craig!
SCULDER: The truth really *is* out there---or rather, *here*!
ARNOLD: I'll be bac---I mean, this is no time for cliched catchphrases now,
everyboddy---somevone's coming! Look!
VOICE: [From off-screen] Indeed, somebody's coming...or should I say, is *here*!
[The whole massive group turn around, and find standing behind them are the lab mice,
with several other people in tow: specifically, Snow Miser, and the Flash...]
ARNOLD: What are *you* doing here?! And why are *they* vith you?!?
BILLIE: While stumblin' around this place, we ran into these guys...apparently, they
were investigating for the missing goods, too!
FLASH: Yeah...some schmoe's robbed every Central City toy store *blind*! While
investigating, I ran into these little guys, as well as the walking Good Humor Man here!
SNOW MISER: I decided to set out on my own to look for my missing Snow Miser beanbag
toys...and there they are! [Runs over to the pile of dolls, and begins checking them
PINKY: Besides, if Craig and Romey could add guys from the "X-Files",
"Home Improvement" and Mr. Terminator to this thing, then Brainatra figured he
could do something similar, *NARF*! [Brain whaps Pinky on the head] *Hahaha*!
YAKKO: So, what do we do now, guys?
DOT: Um...stopping the master villain of this whole scheme?
VOICE: [From off-screen] Not a bad idea...that is, if you pathetic fools *can*!
[Everyone turns toward the voice, to see where it's coming from; however, no one is
BRAIN: Who's there? I demand that you reveal yourself at once!
FIGURE: All in good time, Brain...that is, *after* you've met defeat at the hands of my
Manpower-supplied temp help minions! They work dirty *and* cheap!
[Out from behind the piles of stolen loot pop out various winter-gear-dressed generic
Batman-type thugs, wielding large weapons.]
FIGURE: Minions---*GET THEM*!
[The thugs charge forward...]
YAKKO: Hey, Flash...why don't ya take 'em out for us and cut this thing in the bud?
FLASH: No problem!
[Flash charges forward...but apparently not at a fast enough speed. Despite his
superspeed, a beam from nowhere hits him in the back, sending him sprawling onto the
floor. Startled, Flash finds that ice is beginning to grow around his entire body,
freezing him in place. He attempts to use the old
"vibrate-his-molecular-structure" trick to escape the ice, only to discover for
some reason that the ice isn't cracking an inch...]
VOICE: I prepared well for any and all such encounters, speedster...including the
possibility of *yours*!!
FLASH: [Straining to speak through the ice] Ice...must be matching...my
vibratory...rate...no..matter...what...frequency I vibrate...at! What's...going...on?
Must...talk...at a normal...pace!
SNOW MISER: I'll get you out, Flash! Given that I'm the resident frozen-water expert
here! [Walks over to the Scarlet Speedster's frozen form, and begins using his wintry
powers to zap at various parts of the ice] This might take awhile, guys...whoever did this
*really* knows what they're doing...even *I*'ve never seen anything like this!
YAKKO: Great...so much for the "Fastest Man Alive" helpin' us...what'll we do
DOT: [Seeing the approaching thugs] Um...now would be a good time for some of that
"Christmas Magic", "Elfy"! At this point, *any* miracle would do right
ELFY: Really? Keen! OK, here goes!
[Elfy squints his eyes, and makes his hands into a fist...concentrating hard, magical
sparkly-things zap into everyones hands...they form into various objects.]
YAKKO: Hey! Look at what we're holding!
[All are seen holding their weapons of usual choice: The Warners all have mallets, the
mice are holding catabolic immobilizers, the squirrels are holding various explosives,
Axel a copy of the screenplay to "Beverly Hills Cop", Tim some bizarre power
tool, Arnold a freeze gun, and F! a stick of chewing gum. Flash remains immobilized in
ice, with Snow Miser working at freeing him; the X-Files agents remain unarmed.]
SCULDER: Hey, what about us?
ELFY: Sorry...only had so much...*charge*! [Elfy sits down on the floor, panting...] Go
get 'em, guys! *Huff*...
SLAPPY: Yeah, let's...before Elfy gets enough wind back ta sing another song!
PINKY: It's clobberin' time! *NARF*!
[The background music switches to the main F! theme as the choice of "fight
YAKKO: [To his thug] Hey, buddy...look over there!
THUG: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that dumb gag, youse guys!
YAKKO: Um, OK, but don't say I didn't warn you...
THUG: [Turns around] Huh?
[We see standing behind him is Wakko, wielding his mallet. Wakko strikes *hard*,
knocking the foe out.]
YAKKO: Hey, hey! Were standing in our own single-person spaces! Technically, it
*wasn't* that tired gag again!
BRAIN: [Flatly] Indeed...now let's stop the rest of these thugs, quickly!
[We see Arnold turn on one of the villains with the freeze gun.]
ARNOLD: Ah-ha! I haff got you now, girly boy! Meet death at the hands of my ice ray!
[Blasts him.] Ha! Hasta la vista, bab-ee!
[Another villain approaches behind him, about to clobber him over the head. Brain
quickly proceeds to fire the catabolic immobilizer, freezing the guy. Arnold turns
ARNOLD: Dat's vhat I like to see, team vork! Danks for saving my scrawny hide, pitiful
BRAIN: I was aiming at *YOU*! And I swear, if you say that insipid catch phrase once
more, next time I won't miss!
[Slappy approaches another thug.]
SLAPPY: Hey there, fella, you remind me of a very young Squiddly-Diddly.
GOON # 1: Uh. . .?
SLAPPY: Yeah, same to you. Say, wanta take a survey?
GOON # 1: Duh. . .
SLAPPY: Good! [Pulling out a pad and pen.] Which brand of dynamite is more effective,
Brand A, [Skippy comes up behind him and shoves a bunch of random explosives, labeled
"ACME," down the poor schmoe's pants. He blows up.] or Brand B? [Skippy does the
same thing a second time. This time it's labeled "AJAX."]
GOON # 1: [Not looking too healthy.] Duh. . .definitely choice A. . . [Collapses.]
SLAPPY: Wait, don't pass out yet! We've still got 45 more questions! [Wiggles her
eyebrows slyly at us.]
[Axel is about to be attacked by a huge goon. He flashes the script.]
AXEL: [A bit nervous.] Don't [bleep]in' move! I've got this [bleep]in' piece a'
[bleep], an' I know how to use it! Er. . .actually, I don't! Yo, ya [bleep]in' elf! What
the [bleep] am I s'posed to do with this [bleep]? Smack him in the [bleep]?
GOON # 2: [Surprisingly, he sounds quite civilized and stuck up---sort of John
Cleese-ish.] Oh, dear, forget it. I wouldn't be caught dead murdering someone with a foul
mouth like that. . . [Walks off.]
AXEL: [Suddenly very brave.] Hey, come back here, ya [bleep]! Fight like a [bleep]in'
GOON # 2: Oh, very well. [Returns to beat the [bleep] out of Axel.]
AXEL: [Scared.] Um. . .no. . .I, uh. . .didn't mean it. . .oh, [bleep]. [Goon # 2
proceeds to kick the stuffing out of him as we cut off-screen.]
[We see Tim grappling with the power tool, which seems to have a life of its own, and
is carrying him away with it. . .]
TIM: No! Wait! I don't really know how to use this thing! HELP!!! [The contraption
conveniently drags him through a line of the thugs, knocking them all down in the
process.] Well, whaddaya know! I'm a hero! Yes! To inifini--- [He notices Brain pointing
the catabolic immobilizer, with his hand on the trigger, as if to say, "No more
overused catch phrases!" and so wisely shuts his mouth. The machine continues
dragging him along, now going up the wall.] Yah, how do you stop this thing?!
[Cut to Freakazoid, holding the stick of chewing gum.]
DOT: [Curious.] What're ya gonna do with that?
FREAKAZOID: Nothin'. I just wanted some gum. [Opens it and shoves it in his mouth.]
Mmm, minty! [He then looks around and sees that he's surrounded by goons.] [Speaking with
his mouth full of gum.] Aw, fudge! Now I'm gonna hafta face all these villains! (Sigh). .
.that's the toughest part of being a superhero. . .ah, well. . .come, faithful Foamy! Let
us vanquish the foe!
[Foamy looks at the goons surrounding them angrily, growling. He then stares at the
Freak for a moment, and bites his foot.]
FREAKAZOID: Aaah! Get..it. . .off! Oh, sweet mother of pearl! Um, er. . . [Holds his
foot up to the goons, along with the intrepid mutt.] Uh. . .stay back! I'm warning you!
He's rabid! [Realizing.] Oooo. . .I'm gonna need a shot for that. . . [Pulls at the dog
wildly, then realizing how futile it is, fights the villains with Foamy still clinging to
his foot. He kicks several villains with that foot, but the dog still holds on. He then
throws a few punches, hopping on his one free foot. He somehow manages to defeat all the
FREAKAZOID: Oooo, good for me!
BRAIN: We have defeated all of your hired help! Now reveal yourself!
PINKY: Um, in public, Brain? I mean, couldn't he get arrested for---?
BRAIN: [Turns the catabolic immobilizer on Pinky.] I'm afraid I must ask you to stop
that train of thought, Pinky.
PINKY: Uh. . .can do, Brain. Eh-heh. *POIT!*
VOICE: All in good time, my friends. . .in good time. . .but first...
[A weird light fills the entire chamber. The massive group all look around, to see that
all the toys, the reindeer, and Santa's sled are vanishing in a "Star Trek"
transporter beam-like light. Soon, the light vanishes, leaving an empty chamber.]
VOICE: I wouldn't want to risk losing my ill-gotten gains, now would I? Soon, my master
plan will be fully implemented, and none of you goofs will be able to defeat me!
[The voice echos, then disappears.]
DOT: Gee, what do we do now?
BRAIN: I can only assume that our anonymous yuletide nemesis has some other hideout.
And my own guess would be that it can't be too far from this location. As soon as our
superspeed-powered cohort is unfrozen, we could find the hidden lair in no time at all!
[To Snow Miser] Is the Flash freed yet?
SNOW MISER: Almost...[Snow Miser zaps a few more portions of the ice, which frees the
Scarlet Speedster. Flash zips around the room a few times, then comes to a stop.]
FLASH: *Whew*! Finally! Any more of that and I'd be a frozen Flash-cicle! [Brain points
the catalytic immobilizer at Flash] OK, OK! No more lame superhero-ish puns, either!
BRAIN: Indeed...as if we needed more bad puns and catch phrases in addition to this
massive gathering of characters! I mean, really! The Warners, Axel, Tim Allen, some magic
elf...who's *next*---*Plastic Man*?!?
[As if in answer, who should spring in but Plastic Man himself...the Plastic wonder
comes to a stop in front of the Brain.]
PLASTIC MAN: [To Brain] Hello there, short and agitated! It's me, everyone's favorite
[Brain begins whapping himself on the head with the immobilizer.]
YAKKO: "Favorite shapeshifter"? But you're not Odo!
PLASTIC MAN: Hey, I'm better than Odo, puppy-kids! Unlike him, I don't *need* a
gazillion bucks worth of computerized special effects to do my stuff! Check this out! [He
shape-shifts into a human-sized, red, peach, black, and yellow-colored replica of the Iron
Giant.] Ta-daaaa! [Shape-shifts back to normal, to the applause of the Warners.]
YAKKO: Yeah...too bad the WB honchos didn't spend part of IG's "lavish advertising
budget" to hire *you*!
BRAIN: Indeed...now can we *please* get going?
PLASTIC MAN: No problem! I was up here to investigate where all the missing toys went
off to, and---[sees Freakazoid] Hey, there, big guy!
FREAKAZOID: Oooh, hiyee! How's things with the stretching and such?
PLAS: Not bad...say, you wanna do somethin' after this whole holiday special blows
FREAKAZOID: Sure, why not! Remember that one time we went to New York, and pretended
you were a soda vending machine? That was a *riot*! Guiliani looked even more agitated
than normal! Ha!
PLAS: Yeah! [The two begin laughing...]
BRAIN: [Flatly] Hilarious. Now let us get going, before either another song breaks out
*or* more pointless guest stars show up!
[The group begin proceeding towards the cavern's exit, but the door slams shut. Arnold
tries budging it, but to no avail.]
ARNOLD: We're trapped, little weak peoples! We need a vay out!
FLASH: An exit? No problem! Everyone hold hands, and grab onto me!
[The group all shrug, and all hold each others' hands, with Axel holding Flash's. Flash
begins doing the "vibrating-his-molecular-structure" trick, and the huge group's
molecules follow in suit. The sounds of their teeth chattering can be heard, with a few
giggles from Pinky. The shimmering group all move through the door effortlessly. Once on
the other side, Flash stops vibrating, and all breathe a sigh of relief...]
PINKY: *Wahahahaha*! That was fun, wasn't it, Brain?
BRAIN: Not really, Pinky, but it *did* get us out of there! Now come, we must exit this
cavern and find that villain's lair!
[Cut to some time later, onto the surface; we see the entire group, save for F!, Flash
and Plas, on their separate snowmobiles. F! is in the repaired Freakmobile (now with
all-new winterized gear!), Flash races through the snow, keeping pace with the group,
while Plastic Man bounces like a spring...]
WAKKO: Say, guys, I'm getting hungry! Can we stop someplace and grab a bite to eat?
BRAIN: Where are we going to find a place to eat? We're in the Arctic! Aside from
Santa's workshop, there's probably not a place around here to eat for mil---
[Brain's statement is cut off, as we see a very familiar-looking building ahead of the
group; Brain's face changes to a horrified look, while Wakko's face lights up.]
BRAIN: [Shocked] Oh, no...oh, *NO*! [Screams] YAAAARGH!
[The building is soon seen to be none other than a....McDonald's. Snow covers its roof,
WAKKO: Oh, goody! Bland-tasting pricey food and Happy Meal toys, dead ahead!
[Cut to the interior of the McD's, where we see everyone gathered at tables eating
various meals. Brain, with a garden salad, looks somewhat calmed down, though is still
BRAIN: Would someone tell me *how* and *why* this fast-food eatery is located, of all
YAKKO: Aaaaah, it might be the fact that McDonald's sponsors pretty much all of these
BRAIN: [Sardonically] Oh, goody...I'd hate to impede on the profiteering efforts of our
Pulitzer-worthy writers. [Begins munching on his salad.]
PLAS: Speaking of holiday tidings, anyone else know what this piece of yellow cloth we
found might mean? [Pulls out a piece of yellow cloth, as seen before.]
AXEL: Beats me; we've got the same [bleep]in' pieces, too, but don't know what they're
from! [Shrugs his shoulders] Maybe they're from one of those [bleep]in' P*k*mon toys?
TIM: Not likely; the cloth composition doesn't look like it'd come from that line of
toys. I'd guess from its manufactured quality some other merchandised item, or maybe the
bad guy's clothing!
YAKKO: But *who*?
BILLIE: Beats me...too bad we have no idea where his or her lair is!
ELFY: I have an idea!
SLAPPY: If it's another song, I swear I'm going to---
ELFY: Noooo, not *yet* anyway, Miss Squirrel! Tee-hee! I think I can use my magical
abilities to use the cloth and trace where it came from like a homing device!
SCULDER: Makes more sense than everything else that's happened so far...let's do it!
YAKKO: Right! [Yakko grabs Elfy's hind legs, and stuffs the cloth in Elfy's mouth. Elfy
begins making beeping noises, like a metal detector.]
WAKKO: Awwww, I wanted to be the tracking device...
DOT: [Pats Wakko on the back] Maybe next time, Wakko. Come on, let's go!
[The group all leave the restaurant, and begin speeding across the snow. Yakko is
riding his snowbike, like the others, and is holding Elfy out in front of him. Elfy's
face, which is still emitting beeping noises, is plowing directly through the snow. Inside
the Freakmobile, we see the Freak soothing his faithful pooch, who appears to be in some
sort of pain. He groans.]
FREAKAZOID: Oh, my loyal Foamy, for once your insatiable appetite has been satiatated!
It was those accursed cheeseburgers! Oh, my poor, poor sidepooch! [a la Clint Eastwood.] I
swear I'm gonna get the dirtbag who did this to you. Oooo, that pimplefaced kid behind the
counter will pay dearly! [The Freakadog groans again.] Aw, hang in there, little buddy!
SLAPPY: Razza-frazzin' elf! How da heck longer are we gonna be on this wild goose
YAKKO: We're not chasing wild geese! We're searching for Santa's stolen toys!
ELFY: [From the snow]: Mmf-mf-fm.
YAKKO: Come again?
WAKKO: I think he said, "Mf-fmf-m."
DOT: No, it was more like, "Fm-m-mf."
PINKY: No, I'd say it was definitely---
BRAIN: Silence, Pinky.
[Yakko picks the elf up out of the snow. Elfy looks bluer than Freakazoid, due to the
ELFY: I said, "The toys are in there!" [Points to a huge building that has
written on it, "Villains' Hideout---Stolen Toys Here!"]
TIM: Ah. . .why I didn't I see that?
AXEL: Who [bleep]in' knows?! At this point, anything to progress the plot. . .
[Another gratuitous cut to Craig at his computer.]
CRAIG: Indeed. . .not to mention that at this point, the thing has so many characters,
I have trouble even remembering them all, not to mention including them all in the
dialogue. . .well, let's move on, at any rate. . .
[Cut back to the crew.]
ARNOLD: Vell, dere iz only vone thing to do now. . .
FREAKAZOID: Yeah! Let's Freak Out!
BRAIN: *A-hem.* What did I say about overused catch phrases? [Turns to Pinky, and says
ironically:] Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: Wuh, I think so, Brain, but I don't think it was right of the Dish to run off
with that tramp Spoon, leaving his poor wife with six young Plates to care for and put
food on the table. . .or put them on the table. . .or something. . .
BRAIN: [Looks at Pinky oddly for a moment.] O-kaaaaayyyyyy. . .as always, I'm sorry I
asked. . .
YAKKO: Eeeehhh, can we get moving so that we can have the "Wakko's Wish"
tapes back to Santa *BEFORE* Christmas?
FLASH: Yes, there's no time to dawdle!
PLAS: Then let's move! [Plas slips himself into the hideout door's keyhole and molds
himself into a key to fit the lock, then opens the door. The group slips inside. F! leaves
Foamy lying in the car.]
BRAIN: Hm. . .quite an odd decor. . .no furniture, no paintings. . .completely empty.
PINKY: Oh, like a "Kenny G Plays Harry Connick's Greatest Hits" concert?
BRAIN: . . .er. . .indeed. . .at any rate, let's move further along. . .
[Suddenly, a blinding bright light comes up.]
BRAIN: Alright, everyone stay calm. . .keep your eyes closed, and everyone hold hands!
[Yakko grabs Wakko's hand, Wakko grabs Dot's, Dot grabs Flash's, Flash grabs the Snow
Miser's, Snow Miser grabs Plastic Man's, Plas grabs Tim's, Tim grabs Axel's, Axel grabs
Arnold's (who cringes slightly at Axel's sweaty palms), Arnold grabs Pinky's, Pinky grabs
Brain's, Brain grabs Billie's, Billie grabs Slappy's, Slappy grabs Skippy's, Skippy grabs
Sculder's, Sculder grabs Mully's, Mully grabs Elfy's, Elfy grabs Freakazoid's, and
Freakazoid grabs a hand that's outstretched to him. But when he looks to see whose it is,
he sees it isn't attached to a body and screams.]
YAKKO: Wow, that's a *LOT* of expo!
DOT: I guess the writer felt like going through a role call, not to mention wanting to
make sure he mentioned everyone at least once in this part. . .
AXEL: I can't [bleep]in' take this light much longer!
[Suddenly, we hear fiendish laughing, and a hole opens up in the floor beneath them.
They all fall through and go down a long winding slide, until they finally hit the floor.
They look around, and there are toys, boxes, etc. as far as the eye can see. They all
BILLIE: [Awestruck.] Well. . .it looks like we found the presents!
BRAIN: [Awestruck as well.] Yes. . . [Coming to his senses.] YES! We've saved
Christmas! Nothing can stop us now!
PINKY: Well, except for him. . . [Points at a dark figure in the shadows.]
SLAPPY: Gah! Not the "dark figure in the shadows" bit again!
FIGURE: Ha! Now I have you exactly where I want you!
BILLIE: Is there no end to these cliched lines?!
FREAKAZOID: Surrender yourself, heinous fiend! We have you outnumbered!
BRAIN: Enough with this trite dialogue already!
FIGURE: Come now, the trite dialogue and plot cliches have just begun! Where is the fun
in having me surrender so soon?
[The figure walks forward, apparently to reveal his identity. Our innumerable cast of
heroes open their eyes widely, eager to find out who it is. However, the lighting shifts,
so he still remains in the shadows]
FIGURE: [Almost collapsing in laughter] Did you really think I'd let you get a glimpse
of me *already*? Ha ha ha! You should have seen your mouths hanging open as you stared at
SLAPPY: That's it, I'm stuffin' dynamite down yer pants!
[Slappy lunges forward, but a shield of ice erupts in front of her. It expands into a
huge transparent barrier between the good guys and the evil villain.]
SCULDER: [Taking notes] Hmm... telekenetic control of ice. Gotta remember to put that
in the case file! [Mulley whacks Sculder over the head.]
FIGURE: Come now, it's a tradition! None of you will learn who I am until the very last
possible minute! Now I must leave you to be attacked by more pointless ninja-thugs!
[The figure turns around to exit, but he sees that all the other characters are *RIGHT
YAKKO: Sorry we had to resort to this, guys, but what else could we do?
AXEL: I suppose it's better than having to fight more of those thugs!
PINKY: [Laughing hysterically] *WAHAHAHAHA*! Two places at---[Brain whaps Pinky on the
head, shutting him up]
DOT: [Annoyed] Can we get going already?
ARNOLD: Now ve have you cornered, Mista Evil person! Prepare to be terminated!
SNOW MISER: Now *I'll* put the freeze on *you*!
FIGURE: Let's see you try!
[Another ice barrier erupts between him and the heroes.]
FLASH: Stand back, I'm going to molecularly vibrate through the ice!
[The figure snaps his fingers: The ice at Flash's feet gives way, and he plunges into
the cold Arctic water. Plastic Man jumps in to save him.]
FIGURE: Now I wish you all farewell!
[The figure pulls out a remote with a big red button on it. The hovering probe which
the mice saw earlier crashes through the ceiling. The figure grabs it and is lifted to
safety. Once he's gone, the toys teleport out of the room.]
TIM: Hey guys?
TIM: I've been checking out the architecture of this place, and I don't think it's
[Everything begins to shake.]
BILLIE: Nobody panic! I have a plan...
ELFY: [Cheerful] Does it involve me singing again?
[The ice barriers the figure made all crack away due to the room's caving in.]
BILLIE: My plan is pretty simple, actually...is the Flash out of the water yet?
[Pan over to see that both Plas and the Flash are finally out of the water; both heroes
look rather chilled.]
FLASH: T-thanks, Plas...
PLAS: Ah, don't mention it, Speedy!
BILLIE: Flash, I need you to vibrate your molecular structure again, with all of us
holding hands as before! Warners, I also need you to do that amusing "two places at
once" bit while Flash is vibrating, and Elfy, we need you to use your [Rolls her
eyes] "Christmas magic"!
DOT: [Sighs, and rolls her eyes] Sure, why not? At least it'll only be the *third* time
that tired gag's been done in this thing...
FLASH: No problem!
ELFY: OK! [Laughs oddly.]
[The ceiling continues to crumble, as all hold hands as before. Concurrently, we see
the Flash is vibrating his molecular structure, "magical sparks" flying off of
Elfy, and the Warners gritting their teeth in attempting to perform that repetitive
spatial distortion trick. An odd glowing surrounds the group, as finallly the ceiling
completely caves in. The group vanishes, just as the ceiling's remains hit the room's
floor. Cut to the Arctic tundra outside, where we see the group rematerialize several
yards away from the villain's caved-in lair. We also see the various snowmobiles, as well
as the Freakmobile, present. Flash, Elfy, and the Warners all cease the usage of their
FLASH: We made it!
F!: Yeah! But *how*?!
BILLIE: I figured that a combination of Flash's vibratory powers, Elfy's magical
materialization capacities, and the Warners' localized "two places at once"
spatial distortion stunt would easily enable us to perform a minor teleportation function,
as just seen! Simple, huh?
F!: Ummm.....yeah. Come on, everyone, let's get going!
ELFY: I suppose I'd better get started again...[Elfy stuffs the yellow cloth back in
his mouth, and begins beeping again. Yakko takes hold of him as before.]
YAKKO: Once more unto the breach! So to speak...
[The multiple cross-company-copyright-violating gathering of characters take off once
more...cut to the mice.]
PINKY: Um, any idea who the villain might be, Brain? POIT!
BRAIN: Not really; though with the technology being used, including teleportation,
being able to cull up shields of ice on a whim, and being able to obscure his personal
features so that we couldn't see exactly who he was, the villain must have massive
technological resources to draw from, or has connections to people with such resources!
BILLIE: But who could that be?
BRAIN: I'm not sure, but I have a sneaking hunch who it might be...
YAKKO: Hold it, everyone!
[The group all come to a sudden stop.]
ARNOLD: Vhy are ve stopping, little puppy-child?
YAKKO: I think Elfy's found something!
BRAIN: A real name?
AXEL: A personality?
[Yakko points ahead; we see what appears to be yet another cliched-looking villains'
hideout, in the middle of the tundra.]
DOT: [Groan] Not again!
YAKKO: No, not that! *THAT!* [Points to the right of the building, where there's an
alien ship sitting.]
FLASH: Oh my heavens. . .
SLAPPY: Alright, no time to gape now, guys! Let's break inta that ship and get the
BRAIN: [Surprised] Why, Slappy! Usually you just sit around and grumble in these
things! Why this sudden take-control nature?
SLAPPY: Take control nothin'! I'm missin' a special Christmas episode of 'Springer,'
an' my bunions are killin' me! I wanta get this thing over with and go home! [Begins
pounding on the door.]
SKIPPY: Oh, no, I think Aunt Slappy's lost it!
AXEL: I [bleep]in' hope not! The last [bleep]in' thing we need right now is a recap of
that "One Flew Over the Cukoo Clock" [bleep]!
SLAPPY: Don't worry, I ain't lost it. . .
SCULDER: Stand back, Ms. Squirrel! UFO's are *MY* specialty! I'll find the way in! [He
searches around for a few moments. Beside the door, there's one giant red button. He
contemplates for a moment then pushes it, opening the door.]
SLAPPY: Brilliant. . .
MULLY: Well, let's go then! [The gang walks inside the ship. Inside, it's rather dark.
They look around fearfully. Suddenly, a huge hulking thing walks out of the shadows.
They're all scared stiff---but it's only Mo-Ron, from F!.]
MO-RON: [Speaking in his usual Stan Freberg voice.] Gaaahhhhh. . .I. . .am Mo-Ron. . .I
have an important message for all mankind. . .
FREAKAZOID: Whoa, whoa, fella, you're ruining the mood! You're not even in this
special! [Mo-Ron looks a bit dejected.] Awww. . .tell ya what, when all this is over,
we'll go fer some mints together, OK?
MO-RON: 'K! [Walks off.]
[Everyone stares oddly at the Freak for a moment, then continues. They step into a
larger room. Here, we see Eros & Tanna from "Plan 9 from Outer Space."]
TANNA: Eros, must we kill the humans? It seems such a waste!
EROS: Yes, Tanna. All the Earthlings care about is becoming stronger. Them and their
stupid mortal minds! Stupid! Stupid! STUPID! [Noting our heroes for the first time.] And
who are *YOU*?!
BRAIN: We have come to see whoever is behind the stealing of the toys from Santa's
DOT: Oh, right, this is a *CHRISTMAS* special. . .I'd forgotten about that. . .
EROS: You cannot see the Ruler! No one gets in to see the Ruler!
[Freakazoid "freaks" into a Dorothy outfit.]
FREAKAZOID: But I'm Dorothy! The Witch's Dorothy!
[Eros looks rather bewildered.]
ARNOLD: Enuff! It ees time to take ak-shun, you wimpy cross-dressing mama's boy! [Slugs
TANNA: Stop! Stop!!
ARNOLD: Stay out of this, little girly girl! My daddy told me never to hit a girl!
DOT: Then I'll do it! [Pops out a mallet and smashes the female alien to the floor.]
TIM: Onward, to glory!
BILLIE: Er. . .right. . .Mr. Sculder, can you figure out how to open the door?
BRAIN: Oh, what does he know---one side, my friend! [Jumps up on the control board that
Sculder is looking at. He types in a bunch of keys. A large boxing glove pops out and
smashes him.] [Beat up.] All yours. . .
[Sculder types in a random sequence of numbers. The message says, "ACCESS DENIED /
TENGA ACCESO NEGADO / ACCÉDEZ NIÉ / ACCESSYAY ENIEDDAY" He tries again, and this
time it says "ACCESS GRANTED. HAVE A NICE DAY. / ACCESO CONCEDIDO. TENGA UN DÍA
AGRADABLE. / ACCÈS ACCORDÉ. AYEZ UN JOUR AGRÉABLE. / ACCESSYAY ANTEDGRAY. AVEHAY AYAY
ICENAY AYDAY." Sculder grins at Mully, who stares unbelievingly. The door to the main
[They all enter the room. Inside, it's pitch dark. It slides shut behind them.]
FIGURE: [At a desk in the shadows.] So, you have
found my *TRUE* hideaway. Yes, this is the *REAL* one! No more stupid cliched tricks, I
swear! Well, maybe one or two---but that's it! [Darkly] At any rate, let me just tell you
that not one person who has ever entered here has come out alive.
WAKKO: What about you?
FIGURE: Well, aside from me. . .
DOT: But we don't even know who you are!
YAKKO: Yeah, you could be *ANYBODY*!
FIGURE: ENOUGH! I wasn't planning on you arriving here like this. But I did take the
precaution, in case you did, to---
ELFY: [Out of nowhere.] YYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANYMORE!!!!!!! I'VE. . .GOT. . .TO. . .BREAK INTO SONG!
[Elfy suddenly begins singing. He's transported to a snowy wonderland, and as he sings,
we see shots of him doing the various actions he sings about.]
ELFY: [Singing] There's no business like snow business
Like no business I know!
Throwing snowballs can be so appealing!
Making angels in the road when traffic's nil!
I just wish it could last forever!
I know I'll never
Get my fill!
There's no people like snowpeople
You build 'em, then knock 'em down!
When you steal your father's favorite hat
You know that
He'll look divine!
And even though you're freezing, it's minus 30
Your hands are dirty
You stay out in the snoooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!
Now let's goooooooooooo oooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn with theeeeeeeeeeeeee
[Elfy returns to the villain's room magically. The general reaction of everyone in the
room is staring at Elfy in a slack-jawed manner; Slappy looks incredibly annoyed, and the
Warners, Skippy, Pinky, and Freakazoid do that innocuously cute big eye thing as they
admire the elf's magic in pure wonder.]
SLAPPY: [Snapping everyone out of their trances.] Yeah, c'mon, let's git on with the
show already! Sheesh. . .
FIGURE: Well, despite that pointless musical interlude, I'm afraid I must still do away
with you. . .so. . .
[The figure pulls another remote device out from behind him. He pushes the big shiny
red button on it. Warning sirens and flashing lights go into full effect as the room seals
FIGURE: Now I'm afraid I must go complete my evil scheme! I hope you enjoy your last
moments on this world!
SLAPPY: [Pulls out a bulky legal document] Eh-hem! As sick as we all are of these
stupid cliches, you're still contractually bound to reveal your plan before disposing of
FIGURE: And what are you going to do about it? Call your lawyer? Ha ha ha!
[The figure vanishes into nothingness.]
BRAIN: Nobody panic! We can get out of this like we did last time! Flash, Elfy,
Warners, are you ready?
BILLIE: The metallic structure of this ship would scramble the teleportation field.
We'd never survive!
PINKY: But umm... didn't that mysterious figure teleport out of here?
BILLIE: How *he* did that is a task for Sculder over there...
SCULDER: I'll figure it out once we're safe outside, but right I think we have *bigger*
concerns. Big, yellow concerns, that is.
MULLEY: Big "yellow" concerns? I think you need to lay off the sunflower
DOT: No, he's right! *LOOK*!
[A door to the room has opened. Standing in the doorway is a giant yellow...]
YAKKO: Oh, no, it's...!
WAKKO: It's horrible!
DOT: It's ten feet tall!
TIM: It's big and plush!
FLASH: It's cute!
PLASTIC MAN: It's shocking!
ARNOLD: Eets on every keeds most vanted list!
SLAPPY: It's...eeeh, what da heck *is* that thing?
ELFY: Wait a sec! *I* know what it is! [He stuffs the yellow piece of cloth in his
mouth, and begins to beep uncontrolably.] It's one of the stolen toys! But it's the one we
probably should have known better than to make!
[The giant mechanical toy steps forward; we see that it's a robotic Pikachu doll. It
emits a peculiar ticking sound.]
AXEL: [Bleep]us [bleep], it's a giant [bleep]ing Pikachu! Those sons-of-[bleep]s!
ELFY: [Annoyed] Hey! Watch who you're callling...that phrase. Besides, it's not our
fault every kid in the United States and Japan's been asking for that toy this year!
BRAIN: Not to mention the dubiousness of using Christ's name in vain in a *Christmas*
special...do you want all those people who came down on your "P.J."'s show to
come down on *this* special and *completely* destroy what little hope we had for
"Wakko's Wish" to sell?
AXEL: [Pouts] Sorry; but it's just that I [bleep]ing hate P*k*mon!
DOT: Don't we all...
YAKKO: Hey, what's that ticking sound?
[A quick pan around the doll reveals that a bomb is located in the doll's back.]
PINKY: It's a bomb!
SLAPPY: Just like this endless special is!
DOT: OH NO! We're going to die!
[Suddenly, a figure bearing more than a passive resemblance to Mike Myers materializes
out of nowhere in front of the heroes; it's Austin Powers!]
AUSTIN: Good thing that shaggy teleportation device I "borrowed" from Dr.
Evil's lair worked, or I'd be shagged, like shagadelic, baby!
BRAIN: Great, more over-used catchprases!
DOT: And also nice to see that some stupid James Bond parody character is able to
transport through that wall, but not *us* . . .
AUSTIN: Yeah, baby, yeah! Biggie Smalls, ladies and gentlemen!
[Cut to Wakko at a set of drums, doing a rim shot, then cut back to Austin.]
AUSTIN: You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, right?
AXEL: Great, another [bleep]ing SNL castmember! Can't I escape them? [To Austin] Yeah,
what the [bleep] are you doing here?
AUSTIN: All my groovy merchandise has been stolen, baby! So that means that there won't
be any little kids this Christmas with dolls spouting randy overused catchprases!
You don't suppose that Dr. Evil has anything to do with this, do you?
[All of a sudden, Dr. Evil walks up from behind the heroes, who all scream.]
DR. EVIL: [To Austin] No, you twit! I don't have anything to do with this! My
merchandise has been stolen also! And I was fortunate to be able to use my transportation
device to follow you here, before that "self-destruct" device you attached to it
went off! Anyway, if my merchandise was still in my lair, the sales would've totaled...
AXEL: One million [bleep]ing dollars! Yeah, we know the drill! Welcome to this
[bleep]ing mission...now let's defuse the bomb! [To Slappy] Slappy, ya wanna defuse it for
us? You're an expert on bombs!
SLAPPY: So would anyone else who's seen your performance in "Harlem Nights",
[Axel glares at Slappy. Slappy walks over to behind the giant Pikachu doll, and pulls
on a few red wires. The doll teeters to a stop.]
SLAPPY: A cinch...it's always the red wire in these things!
DOT: Red? You sure you don't mean blue?
SLAPPY: Of course not! [Suddely, the giant doll jerks back to life, only it looks
*really* angry; its eye begin to glow a fiery red.]
SLAPPY: Errr....or maybe it *was* blue. [Gulps.]
TIM: What'll we do now?
YAKKO: I know! How about the two fugitives from a James Bond knockoff take 'im on?
[Yakko wiggles his eyebrows at the camera.]
AUSTIN: Um...sure, groove-a-delic little puppy-kid, why not?
YAKKO: [Looking perplexed] "Groove-a-delic"? You don't get out much, do you?
AUSTIN: [Glumly] Um, *no* . . . but anyway, let's give it a go, Doc!
DR. EVIL: [Sighs] Oh, very well . . .
[The two James Bond parody characters charge towards the giant Pikachu doll; however,
the doll swings its tail at the two, and jolts the duo with a few zillion watts of
electricity. An explosion occurs, sending the two characters hurtling through the ceiling,
a la "Team Rocket", screaming "Austin Powers will be back in 'Never Say
Shaggadellic Agaiiiiinnnn!'", before vanishing out of sight.]
DOT: Guess that's *one* way to get rid of extraneous characters...the writer must not
be that big of an "Austin Powers" fan...
[Zip pan to Brainatra, who's at home editing this story on his computer; "60
Minutes" plays in the background on his TV.]
BRAINATRA: What can I say? Besides, I liked "Wayne's World" a lot more than
"Austin Powers", anyway... [Brainatra continues typing, but notes that Andy
Rooney's on the TV, griping about something or other. Brainatra makes a face, then presses
a few buttons on his keyboard; Slappy shows up on the TV screen. She hands Andy Rooney a
bomb. Rooney fumbles it around, before the bomb explodes, leaving Rooney in a dazed and
confused state. Brainatra chuckles, and goes back to typing...zip pan back to the
SLAPPY: "Action"? More like "inaction"...how many villain lairs is
this thing gonna have? It's stallin' worse than that flight I took ta get to the
razza-frazzin' North Pole! Though blowin' up Andy was kinda fun, heh, heh...
YAKKO: Yeah, yeah, but we've got bigger problems! You want plot action, Slappy, take a
look at that! [The giant Pikachu doll begins to stomp towards the group; all gulp.]
FLASH: I've got a plan! Elfy, Plas, Arnold, Snow Miser, come with me! The rest of you,
[The non-chosen group members do so...Flash whispers a few orders to the chosen
FLASH: OK, everyone...*NOW*!
[Elfy begins to concentrate hard, and turns the end of the giant doll's tail into a
grounded 3-pronged insulated plug. Flash speeds over, and plugs the cord into a nearby
electrical outlet. Elfy concentrates harder, and a series of nails materialize around the
outlet, securing the plug in place.]
ELFY: There! He's grounded! He won't be able to shock any of us now!
TOY: Pika?! [The figure tries to yank itself from the wall, but is stuck in tight.]
SLAPPY: Aaaah, this makes me kinda wish that little elf was around durin' that flippin'
"39 Characters" thing...
FLASH: OK, all...let's go!
PLAS, SNOW MISER, ARNOLD, ELFY: Right!
[The group charges towards the giant toy; Plas wraps himself around one of the doll's
arms, Arnold begins punching at its left leg, Elfy zaps a few "magic sparkles"
at its right leg, and Snow Miser freezes one of the doll's arms. Flash charges straight
for the doll's head, about to deliver a final knockout punch; the scene looks similar to
the cover of the JLA's origin issue (namely, _Brave and the Bold_ #28, 1960, with the
cover depicting said team fighting the giant starfish Starro the Conqueror in a similar
manner to this Poke-doll-attack...Brainatra,pointless DC Comics referencer). With
all this might, the doll finally collapses, uttering a last few "Pika"'s vainly.
The whole group cheers.]
ARNOLD: Ya! We did it! Maybe I can join your Legion of Justeece of Ah-merica someday,
fast red-costumed veak person!
FLASH: Um....yeah. Come on---with the hole made in the ceiling, we can all get out of
PLAS: No problem! [Plas forms himself into a giant slide, with stairs leading up
through the ceiling and the slide part leading down into the snow. All exit the chamber,
with Pinky, Elfy, the Warners, F!, and Skippy cheering and laughing on the way down the
slide. Soon, all are safely outside.]
SCULDER: Great! We're out! But what do we do now?
MULLY: Yes...I don't think our current pursuit process is going anywhere...the villain
keeps changing his lairs!
BRAIN: Agreed...I think what we need is a *trap*! Luring him onto *our* territory will
surely enable us to capture the fiend...and, most likely, finally engage the thug into a
PINKY: What makes you say that, Brain?
BRAIN: Because these adventures of ours *always* wind up with a major, final
confrontation "showdown" with the master villain, Pinky. Now come, we must set
up our trap! [The group get back onto their snowmobiles/Freakmobile, and race across the
[Moments later, we see the group standing in a spot near Santa's Workshop, with a giant
pile of Superman dolls, video games, and comic books piled up.]
BRAIN: It was fortunate for us that Superman was at his Fortress of Solitude when we
knocked, and that he agreed to let us use some of his merchandise as part of this trap!
BILLIE: Yeah...too bad he said he was busy answering Christmas letters to help us,
[Zip pan to Superman's fortress, where we see the Man of Steel writing Christmas
SUPERMAN: "Dear Jimmy, thank you for the thoughtful present, even though I can't
imagine *when* I'll ever need a "Jimmy Olsen Distress Signal Watch" on the
off-chance I need *you* to rescue *me*...but I appreciate the thought! Sincerely,
Superman!" [Superman holds up the watch, and decides to try it on.] Hmm...well, it's
not bad looking, anyway...
[Zip pan back to the group.]
SLAPPY: Grr...any more of these pointless zip-pan asides, and I'm gonna...
ELFY: Aw, don't worry, Slappy...after all---
SLAPPY: Can it, Pavarotti! We don't have time for another song sequence! Someone's
[Two figures approach....however, neither one of the figures are the villain behind
this thing, but rather Rita and Runt.]
RITA: Hey, I was wonderin' when I'd get to be a part of this thing...how could someone
not remember to cast *me* in a Warner Bros. character using musical Christmas special?
RUNT: Yeah, Rita...definitely can't forget you!
DOT: Great...everyone *but* Mel Gibson's showing up for this thing...how many
characters is this thing going to have?
SLAPPY: Like we haven't beaten that point into the ground a zillion times already...
[Suddenly, someone taps Dot on the shoulder.]
VOICE: Excuse me? Santa told me that I'd find you over here, miss... [Dot turns around,
and sees it's Mel Gibson.]
MEL: He said something about your wanting to see me for Christmas?
DOT: HELLOOOOO, NURSE! [She bounces around the scene, jumps up and down on Axel's head
(AXEL: [bleep]!), and finally lands in Mel's arms.]
DOT: Yes, oh, *yes*, there *is* a Santa Claus! And *you're* the best gift I could've
asked for! Thank you, St. Nick! [Dot lets out a long sigh; Mel looks bewildered.]
WAKKO: Hey, does this mean I'm gonna get those Don Knotts videos I asked for?!
AXEL: [Bleep]in' later, I guess...we've got something else to worry about---*THAT*!
[Axel points upward, and sees that it's the villain's mysterious toy-grabbing
RITA: Hey, that's the thing that swiped up all those "Annie Get Your Gun"
CD's the stores were supposed to sell!
MEL: And that thing took all the "Lethal Weapon 4" videos and DVD's, as well!
BRAIN: [To Elfy] Ready....and, *NOW*!
[Elfy pulls a lever, and the toy pile parts to reveal a giant electromagnet underneath
it; the magnet pulls the toy-grabbing device towards it.]
BILLIE: I hope this thing works...though with a combination of the elves' magic and my
intellect, how *couldn't* it?
[The device sputters and tries to stay aloft, but finally crashes into the ground with
a giant thud. The heroes all cheer.]
PINKY: NARF! Egad, we've finally captured the bad guy!
VOICE: [From the mysterious craft] Oh, *really*? You may have disabled my device, but
I've only begun to fight! [The craft begins to sputter slowly upwards from the ground, and
hovers in the air; sparks fly from the craft.]
YAKKO: Like we haven't heard *THAT* line before in this special...
DOT: About a trillion times...
SLAPPY: Enuff a' this meshugna hooey here...I'm gonna end this thing once and for all,
and if it takes one of those stupid "final confrontation" thingees, then so be
it! Now who's with me?
[Everyone cheers. Suddenly, the American flag falls down behind Slappy, and she's
suddenly clad in a military outfit. She begins talking, a la General Patton in the George
C. Scott film, as the theme from that film blares.]
SLAPPY: Now remember, no schmoe ever won an intergalactic war by dying for his planet,
he won it by making some other schmoe die for his. When you sit with your grandson on your
knee thirty years from now...that is, for those of us that plan on living that long...if
he asks you what you did in the great World War III, you won't hafta tell 'im you were
sittin' home watching reruns of 'Columbo' on A&E...although that would probably be a
lot more pleasant... And when you put your hand into a pile a' goo that used to be your
best friend's face--eh, come ta think of it, that's too gruesome for a Christmas special.
So, just git on out their an', uh, win one for the Gipper!
ALL: HURRAH! [All are suddenly clad in army uniforms; they throw up their hats and
SLAPPY: THEN LET'S GO!!!
[Tim pulls a rope from his tool utility belt and uses it to lasso the mothership. He
begins to climb it, but Arnold pushes him aside and pulls the rope, bringing the entire
ship down to the ground once more. The vessel's door swings open; Sculder and Mully draw
their guns and aim them at the figure exiting the craft, amidst the smoke.]
DOT: After all this time evading the villain's identity, *THIS* is how he's exposed?
AXEL: Naw, look! That ain't the main villain, just some stupid alien... [Points to a
rather generic-looking alien, resembling the one in A!'s "Space Probed." The
alien's promptly joined by several more, who all pull ray guns on the 'toons and other
BRAIN: *Sigh*...more gratuitous fighting...ah, well...
[The gang promptly begins to attack the aliens. However, they take quite a beating.
When Slappy pulls the "survey" bit again, the alien simply zaps her into a pile
FREAKAZOID: [To an alien, trying to trick him.] Hey, you've got a bug on your shoulder!
ALIEN: No, you have one on yours! Allow me to deteriorate its molecular composition for
FREAKAZOID: Well that's right neighborly of y-- [The alien zaps him with his ray gun,
reducing him to a pile of dust.]
[Arnold and Axel slug it out with a few aliens, but are zapped as well.]
[The Warners face a group of the little green men.]
YAKKO: Psst! [Beckons one of the aliens closer. He comes closer, and Yakko does the
same thing several more times. Finally, he smacks it.] TAG! You're it!
ALIEN: No, *YOU* are! [Zaps Yakko.]
YAKKO/PILE OF DUST: These guys are a lot tougher than the ones we met before...
[Cut to the FBI agents.]
MULLY: Well, Sculder, you finally found your aliens. Now are you happy?
SCULDER: Actually...yes! This is the high point of my life!
MULLY: Well, that's good, seeing as how you're about to die!
SCULDER: *Gulp* [Both are zapped to dust.]
MEL: [Fighting several aliens with a plain ol' gun.] Drat...I've survived
"Thunderdome," three sequels to "Lethal Weapon," and cameos in
"Father's Day," "Casper," and a sub-par "Simpsons" episode,
just to have it all end like this? Hm...the worst part is that my agent will probably make
off with all my vast earnings...but, such is life... [He too is zapped, as are Tim, Rita,
Flash, Plas, and whoever the heck else is there at this point (ELFY: *HEY*! I'm not a
"whoever the heck else"! I'm---(gets zapped by an alien)).]
HEAD ALIEN: Come. We will bring them to the Master. [They pick up the turned-to-dust
gang, and bring them inside.]
[Interior--Space ship. They march through various hallways. In various rooms they pass
we see a TV playing an old "Alf" episode; Amelia, Bigfoot, Elvis, & J. Hoffa
playing poker as seen in the A! "Space Probed" ep; George Lucas tied up in a
chair typing the script to "Star Wars: Episode Two" with his feet; Shatner
singing "Mr. Tambourine Man"; and they finally enter into what appears to be the
main room. It's all emerald green, and there's a giant head of fire, a la "The Wizard
HEAD OF FIRE: [Booming, generic evil-type voice.] I...am the Master! I am the brilliant
mind behind all that has happened to you today! There is a reason that I have done this to
you, which is as follows--
SLAPPY: Can it, ya big ham! C'mon, gang! Let's get outta here! I kin still get home in
time for Kids' WB!'s latest 6 1/2-hour "Poke-thon"...er, on second thought,
let's linger *here* for a bit...
DOT: [Realizing something] Hey! I thought we were all "turned to dust" by
these dumb aliens' ray guns; how'd we get back to normal?
YAKKO: Aaaaah..."Christmas magic"?
HEAD ALIEN: No, try the reintegration sensors we passed you through on the way to the
DOT: [Sarcastically] Oh, of *course*...as if having *aliens* in a *Christmas special*
wasn't dumb *enough* in and of itself...
[Arnold unexpectedly grabs the alien holding him, puts him in a headlock, and flips him
over. The others follow in suit, freeing themselves from their captors. The aliens recover
from their shock and attempt to reach for their ray guns.]
HEAD ALIEN: Wait! If we use our guns, we will damage the ship! Let us fight
ARNOLD: Yah, ve vill fight you mano-a-mano, you little girly alien heads! [He rushes at
the scrawniest-looking alien, which appears to be a baby, and attempts to pick it up.
Instead, it flips him and throws him into the wall.]
BABY ALIEN: [Cheerfully and sweetly, to us.] I'm only t'wee an' a half years old!
[The other aliens begin pummeling our heroes when we suddenly hear a familiar growly
voice from behind.]
VOICE: [Offscreen.] HEY!
[All look up. We see Sgt. Mike Cosgrove standing behind the aliens attacking our
COSGROVE: [Sternly to the aliens, like a parent to a child.] Cut it out.
[All the aliens begin to mope like little kids; a few walk to the corner dejectedly.]
COSGROVE: Now, this thing has gone on long enough. Let's see who's behind this curtain.
[Walks up to the curtain that the scrawny Wizard hid behind in the original. He pulls it
back, and all gasp.]
[The figure standing behind the curtain is revealed to be...still ensconced in some
type of shadow. We see the figure wielding a cane of some sort, and the shadow is
completely covering up his face.]
FIGURE: Ha! You fools thought you'd finally unmask me?! I've only begun to fight!
DOT: *AAARGGHH*! Not that line *again*!!
WAKKO: Yeah...it's been used more times in this story than that "two places at
once" bit's been used!
DOT: [Rolling her eyes] Thank heaven for small miracles, I suppose...
SLAPPY: OK, Mr. Anonymous Villain, let's just cut to the flippin' chase and end this
razza-frazzin' thing already...even Brainatra and Craig both think this thing's draggin'
worse than "End of Days"! [ARNOLD: (off-screen) *HEY*!]
DOT: Yeah, and this thing's already gotten more than enough gratuitous characters
added, thanks to those two writers and Capt. Caps...I mean, we've got the Flash, a magic
elf, Axel Foley, "X-Files" agents...enough already! This thing makes that dumb
"39 Characters" story look like a small one-act play at a community theater!
[All others nod in agreement]
BILLIE: Yeah...but before we start the "final confrontation" and end this
thing once and for all, answer me this: why can't we see your face?
FIGURE: Ha! I'm not ready to end this! [Off-screen, we hear Slappy and Dot moan.] As
for my face, I think Flash will recognize *this* little item I'm wielding! [Waves around
FLASH: [Realizing] The Shade's cane! You must've ripped it off from the Flash Museum
while you were blasting your way through Central City's toy stores!
WAKKO: Um...who's the Shade?
FLASH: The Shade was this villain who I used to fight a few times, alongside the
"Golden Age" Flash, back in Central City... [Flashback ripples to a Carmine
Infantino-drawn "Flash" comic fight scene, with the FTD Florist logo-like
"Golden Age" Flash and the modern version slapping around an ugly-looking guy
wearing a top hat, an all-black suit, and holding the aforementioned cane] The Shade used
the cane to cast shadows over whatever he wished! [Flashback ends...]
FIGURE: Correct! While I was ripping my way through your hometown, speedster, I made a
quick stop off at the Flash Museum, and swiped this from the museum's displays! With this
cane, I can keep my identity impenetrably revealed from the likes of all of you losers!
BILLIE: So that'd explain all those sudden shadow shifts that covered up your face
YAKKO: Aaaaah, ever hear of a *mask*, buddy?
PINKY: Um....I thought only the Shade could use the cane, though! *NARF*! Or is it that
he really gets his powers from another "shadow" dimension? Kind of hard to
FLASH: [Scratches his head] Beats me...those hack writers keep changing everything at
the drop of a hat so much even *I* have a hard time keeping up!
SLAPPY: Don't have to tell *me* about hack writers, pal...did I mention this one time
we were stuck inside those annoyin' Poke-...
FIGURE: [Annoyed] ENOUGH OF THIS!
AXEL: I couldn't agree more! Let's get this [bleep]in' guy and his hoods once and for
BRAIN: But didn't we already defeat his minions?
FIGURE: Yes, you have, Brain, but you haven't defeated *me*!
[The figure presses a button in his booth, and the booth begins to transform...all
stand back. The figure transforms into a giant transformer-like robot, with its head still
concealed beneath a shadow...]
FIGURE: Ha! Prepare to meet your doom, losers!
TIM: Wrong, "loser"! You should've just made your escape while you could,
instead of trying to take us *all* on! [Glances around] Did I just say something *brave*?
[The others nod] Well, anyway, with our combined might, [talks in a "Buzz
Lightyear" stern tone] *you're going down*! GET HIM!
FIGURE: Yeah, right....[Steps a few feet forward] BRING IT ON!
[The figure screams, however, once he sees the various characters charging towards
him...the Warners whap his suit with mallets, while Flash and Plas lay superpowered
punches at the figure's torso. The Snow Miser zaps one of the suit's hands with a freezing
blast. Rita and Runt merely claw and bite at the base of one of the suit's legs. We also
see Tim, Axel, and Slappy wire up the suit's exterior with something, Arnold laying a few
punches at the suit, the "X-Files" agents, Cosgrove, and Mel firing their
pistols at the suit's bulletproof exterior, the mice firing their catabolic immobilizers
at the suit, and Elfy using "Christmas magic" on one of the suit's arms.
Freakazoid merely leans back, and eats popcorn...]
[With all of this combined effort, the figure's suit finally begins to buckle under the
stress of the assault...]
SLAPPY: OK, everyone! Get back!
[All pull back...Slappy and Tim whip out a detonator.]
TIM: Ladies first...
[Slappy presses the plunger...we see that the suit's back is rigged with various Acme
explosives. The figure makes a gulping sound. A gigantic explosion rattles the ship,
sending the figure flying outside, and landing into the snow. At the same time, a wall of
the ship dematerializes (like a hologram), revealing behind it the stolen toys and Santa's
sleigh and reindeer. The gang all head outside, to find the figure's ruins. We also see
lying next to the figure the shadowing cane, broken in several pieces...]
SLAPPY: How's that for a "Final Confrontation", eh? Eat your heart out,
Spandex boys! [Flash and Plas glare at Slappy.]
AXEL: Now to see who this [bleep]ing guy is, so that I can arrest 'im! [Axel walks
over, as does everyone else; they finally see who the villain behind this thing is, and
[Lying in the snow, the figure is revealed to be...*Thaddeus Plotz*!
SLAPPY: GAAAAAH! I *knew* it! It has to do with boostin' sales for that flippin' fad
toy of the moment Pokey-whatever! [Whips out a *huge* wad of explosives, and walks over to
the fallen CEO; the others also look stern.] OK, bright boy, you've got 2 seconds ta talk
or I'm blowin' you to whatever second-rate community college you got your management
credentials from! And since we're not in production anymore, I figure I don't have ta
worry about gettin' canned by you for blowin' you to bits!
PLOTZ: [Sighs] You're right! P*k*mon merchandise *was* the reason I participated in
this plan! With less merchandise of other characters being produced, P*k*mon merchandise
would overwhelm the store shelves, and would easily earn the studio even *more* money! But
I wasn't acting alone!
BRAIN: You weren't?!
PLOTZ: No! I needed help in getting this equipment, and a few secondary hands, so I
joined up with a few others...you can come out now, guys!
[Several of the more normal-sized aliens walk over to the group. They begin pulling on
their heads, as if removing masks. One alien reveals itself to be Micro$oft CEO Bill
ALL: BILL GATES?!?
GATES: What can I say? Plotz promised he'd cross-promote my software with P*k*mon if I
helped fund this venture! With a whole kid-sized generation inundated by this
double-advertising blitz, I'd be guaranteed to stay in power faster than you can say
"Justice Dept. investigation"!
[Another alien reveals itself to be...Fanboy.]
F!: [Gasps] *FANBOY*! How *could* you...work with someone who promoted "Windows
95" in a shameless heavily-hyped Jay Leno-using way not matched until...well,
P*k*mon! [Covers face with a hand] I'm ashamed to be your...acquaintance.
FANBOY: [Pouting] Oh, I'm sorry, Freakazoid, but they needed someone to help Mr. Gates
program and run all this equipment, and Gates promised to pay me a lot of money! Plus, I'd
have gotten several of the Snow Miser beanbag toys, to boot!
[Another alien pulls its head off, and reveals itself to be...someone who doesn't look
too immediately familiar to the group, except to Brain.]
BRAIN: Wait a minute...aren't you Michael Bronzestein, the CEO of Toys-R-Mine?!
BRONZESTEIN: Welll, without all those other business' toys on the market and with the
cross-promotion efforts of Plotz and Gates, my store chain would dominate the toy
marketplace! Thus, I kind of helped fund all this, too...but the technology was all
BILLIE: Guess that'd explain why that giant toy-sucking probe crashed so easily, heh,
heh...[All stare blankly.] It was a Microsoft software quality joke! [Crosses her arms,
and pouts.] Hmph...
ELFY: You should be ashamed of yourselves! Trying to swipe all these toys...that's not
what this time of year is about! [Music swells up in the background, specifically
"sappy" Christmas-special-moral-lesson music...]
SLAPPY: Aw, geez, not an end-of-story moral *too*...[Whips out her headphones once more
to ignore all this...]
ELFY: Misters Plotz, Gates, and Bronzestein, you should know that stealing toys to
boost sales of your own various overdominant interests isn't the right thing to do! And
Fanboy, you should know better than to help someone who, among other things, cancelled
"Animaniacs" on you! [The gang nod their heads...]
DOT: Gotta agree with that cancellation part! [Glares at Plotz.]
ELFY: I mean, this is *Christmas*...a time for warm, family gatherings, a time for
caring, a time for...
PINKY: Multiple characters showing up for contrived holiday specials that don't
acknowledge other holidays in December besides Christmas?
ELFY: Um...yeah, that too, I guess. So, Misters, Fanboy, what do you say?
[The music builds up to a crescendo...]
PLOTZ: I'm...I'm...sorry. [Breaks down into sobbing; the other villains do, too.]
DOT: [Makes a face at this saccharineness] Yeah, right...the minute this special's
over, they'll snap back to their usual ultra-greedy ways, as if this dumb thing never
happened...[All murmur in agreement with Dot; Elfy shoots the group an uncharacteristic,
ELFY: [Pats Plotz on the back.] There, there, it's all right. This being Christmas, it
*is* a time for forgiveness, am I right, guys? [The others stammer and shuffle their
feet.] I said, *AM I RIGHT*?! [The others mutter statements such as "yeah, sure,
forgiveness", and such...] Now, come on, you guys...let's get all this stuff back to
Santa's workshop and we'll *all* have one big show-stopping holly-jolly Christmas!
SLAPPY: [Removing her headphones] Did someone say that this thing's almost over?!
What're we waitin' for?!
[All begin gathering up the various toys/equipment...]
[Fade to Santa's workshop. All the elves are running around joyously. We see everybody
drinking hot cocoa, and chatting.]
YAKKO: This is wonderful! "Wakko's Wish" will still be under millions of
WAKKO: Really? I sure hope so!
DOT: Me, too!
SLAPPY: Thank heavens this razzafrazzin' thing is over!
AXEL: God[bleep] right! I've had enough of this [bleep]! I've probably frozen my
[bleep] off in this weather!
ELFY: Since we all had a lot of fun...
DOT: [Muttering] I could argue about *that*...
ELFY: ...I think we should have one more musical number!
[Cut to Captain Caps.]
CC: I love the song I'm about to use, but I can't remember the lyrics! Oh heck, I'll
[Cut back to the workshop. In the background, we hear the opening strains of the song
"Put A Little Love In Your Heart".]
AXEL: This'd better not be another pointless [bleep]in' 1980's reference Captain Caps'
YAKKO: Relax, Axel, this thing's almost over...
ELFY: What a Merry Christmas! Good friends, good fun, good everything! [Singing] Oh,
Christmas! I can't wait! No time to hesitate! Put a little love in your heart! Kids faces
all aglow, 30 feet of pure white snow! Put a little love in your heart!
[Inexplicably, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot join in.]
ELFY & WARNERS: [Singing] And the world will be a better place! Yes, the world will
be a better place!
MULLY, SCULDER: [Deadpan singing] For you and me! You just wait and see!
AXEL: Thank God we're at the end! [Noticing the music hasn't ended] ...I hope.
[From out of nowhere, Bill Murray walks into the scene...]
MURRAY: [Singing] Hey, Axel F, my friend, put a little love in your heart!
AXEL: No [bleep]ing way!
PINKY: [Singing] Flying throughout the night! Everything'll be all right! [To Brain]
Sing it, Brain!
BRAIN: Please, Pinky, I'd sooner...
BILLIE: [Flatly] I think you'd better, Brain, or this dumb special will probably never
BRAIN: [Moans] Oh, very well...
BRAIN & BILLIE: [Singing] Put a little love in your heart!
BILLIE: Hmm...not a bad idea! [Grabs Pinky, and plants a kiss on his cheek; Brain rolls
his eyes, and gags...]
TIM: [Singing] And the world will be a better place!
FLASH & PLAS: [Singing] Yes, the world will be a better place!
FREAKAZOID & COSGROVE: [Singing] For you and me!
ALL: [Singing] You just wait and see! Put a little love in your heart! Put a little
love in your heart!
SNOW MISER: [Singing] The world needs love, not a frozen heart!
ARNOLD: [Singing] Yah! Put a leetle love in yahr heart!
SKIPPY: [Singing] Put a little love in your heart! C'mon, Aunt Slappy, sing it!
SLAPPY: [Annoyed] No way! [Skippy's eyes grow wide.] Oh, alright! [Speaking] Put a
little love in your heart! There, I sang!
[All of a sudden, every other character who's appeared in this special materializes.
Pip Pumphandle, Wesley Snipes, Whitey, Rico, Dre, the cast of "Saturday Night
Live", and Lord knows who else all appear, and begin singing. The cast sings the song
to the end, and then we hear a "jazz" version of the A! theme pop up. We see
some of the characters dancing in a similar manner to the "Peanuts" gang in the
"Charlie Brown Christmas" special: Yakko bobs his head from side to side, Wakko
holds his arms out in front of him and dances like Frankenstein, Dot stands in place while
waving her arms back and forth, Pinky dances in place (similarly to those KWB recycled
stock footage promos), Brain and Billie do a "two-step" dance, Elfy plays a
bass, another elf plays a toy piano, Axel plays an electric guitar, Skippy hops up and
down, and Slappy waves her arms over her head as if exercising rather than dancing. The
whole song sequence soon ends, and all cheer. Yakko then speaks up.]
YAKKO: MWAH! Goodnight everybody!
[Suddenly, the doors to Santa's workshop burst open. Ice and snow blow in on the wind.
A shadow ensconced figure enters...]
FIGURE: HA HA HA! You fell for my decoys! Did you actually believe that the dark figure
you faced in the ice cave was *Plotz*?! Fools! I used him, Gates, and Bronzestein as
decoys! Prepare to meet your doom!!!
SLAPPY: And prepare to meet yours!
[A rope falls down in front of each of our heroes. They all give a swift pull, causing
an avalanche of anvils to fall on the figure.]
SLAPPY: It's over... GO AWAY!
FIGURE: [In pain] No problem...
[The figure and the pile of anvils crawl out the door, which slams behind them.]
SLAPPY: And that goes for the rest of you too!
[Fade to black.]
[The lights go back up, and we see the various characters sitting around drinking
coffee as the stage crew begins taking away the props from the set.]
BRAIN: YES! With luck, this special will finance my plan for tomorrow night!
BILLIE: That's if anyone actually bothers to *watch* this thing! It'll probably finish
last in the ratings...
PINKY: Umm... I'd watch it! Hahaha! *NARF*!
BRAIN: [Flatly] You *would*. [Realizing] ...Wait a minute, what am I *saying*?!?
[Pan to the Warners.]
YAKKO: Well sibs, I guess that just about wraps this thing up...
DOT: Not quite... [To the stage crew] Hey, guys! Bring those props back for a minute!
[The crew does so.]
YAKKO: Um, Dot, I'm only going to ask this once: what are you *doing*?!
DOT: [Flatly] According to this script, there's still another song left to perform!
SLAPPY: Ugh...at this rate, I'll never get ta get home in time to watch my old cartoons
sliced up fer that Teddy Kennedy...Barney Frank-y...Richard Lugar...Big Congressional Show
thingamajig! [Pauses.] Um...forget what I just said. Let's roll the razza-frazzin' song
[Fade out from this scene, and fade into Santa's workshop, where we see the story's
various characters milling about. Music swells up, similar to the tune of "Have
Yourselves a Merry Little Christmas"; the elves start singing.]
ELVES: [Singing] Have yourselves a Wakko little Christmas,
Eat sweet po-ta-to pie,
[Cut to a shot of Wakko scarfing down mass quantities of sweet potato pies, cookies,
and cans of "Who Hash" in Mrs. Claus' kitchen; Mrs. Claus looks rather annoyed.]
ELVES: [Singing] From now on, this special will be rerun,
'Til the end of tiiiiime...
[Cut to a shot of Fanboy watching this special at home...piles of Snow Miser beanbag
dolls can be seen sitting on top of his TV.]
FANBOY: Oh, boy...it's even better watching it the 75th time in a row! [Laughs] Ha,
ha...Snow Miser just froze Axel's phone again! A classic! Too bad they cut out three song
sequences and that fairly unimportant final part that shows how they defeat the main
villain on this rebroadcast, but I guess they had to get those important commercial
messages to fit somehow! [We see that the cut scenes have been replaced with commercials
for P*k*mon, "World's Scariest Department Store Santas" promos, and toilet bowl
[Back to the song.]
ELVES: [Singing] Flash's super-speed powers were overused,
Like "two places at onnnnnce",
[Cut to a shot of Flash drinking eggnog with Arnold, who's holding a Verminator doll
with a bow on it...Flash looks mildly annoyed by that song lyric's assertion. We also see
the mice standing by Flash and Arnold as well; Brain winces with agreement at the mention
of that spatial distortion trick, while Pinky and Billie break down into laughter...]
ELVES: [Singing] Axel's swearing wasn't very Christmas-like,
Tim's a great big kluuuutz...
[Cut to a shot of Axel, who, despite his behavior clearly being "naughty" and
not "nice" over the past year's worth of fanfics he's appeared in, is being
handed a large pile of gifts by St. Nick, and doing his stacatto laugh in delight; he
calls Mel over for help carrying the loot. Meanwhile, Tim is being electrocuted due to
holding a metal-handled screwdriver against Rudolph's nose.]
ELVES: [Singing] Have yourselves a Wakko little Christmas,
Snow Miser's gotten a break...
[Cut to a shot of Snow Miser, talking into a cell phone; several of his
"Mini-Me"'s, wearing sunglasses, surround him like Secret Service agents.]
SNOW MISER: Yeah, that's right...I want 10% of the gross from my appearance in this
thing...*and* part of the gross, not net, in my upcoming special "Snow Miser: Live
From Chicago", buddy! Later! [Hangs up]
ELVES: [Singing] Sculder and Mully finally got their conspiracy plot...
[Cut to a shot of the two agents looking at one of the singing elves with curiosity;
they handcuff the elf and drag it off, with the elf yelling various words that sound more
Axel-like than Christmas-like.]
ELVES: [Singing] ...Plas and Gates are *geeeeeks*!
[Cut to a shot of Plastic Man and the Warners annoying Axel and some of the elves by
doing that dumb "two places at once" bit, with Plas using his stretching
abilities to pull this repetitive gag off. We also see Bill Gates trying to load copies of
Micro$oft Office 2000 on some PC's destined for Santa's big ride, only for the computers
to short-circuit due to the software's heavy system requirements. Gates looks at the
ELVES: [Singing] Slappy celebrates Chanukah at her tree,
Axel does Kwanzaa in saaaame,
All would agree with these two cranky guys,
That this special was beyond laaaaaame!
[Cut to a shot of Axel (wearing African kente cloth-made clothing) lighting a set of
Kwanzaa candles, while Slappy and Skippy light a menorah; Axel and Slappy look at the
camera and shake their heads very rapidly/enthusiastically at the aforementioned song
lyrics about this special being "lame"...]
ELVES: [Singing] Here were are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore...
[Cut to a shot of the Warners and a few elves watching A! vidoes on a TV; Yakko holds a
few rolled-up Pamela Anderson posters wrapped in a bow, Wakko holds a shiny new mallet
with a bow wrapped around it, and Dot holding Mel, with a bow wrapped around *him*. We see
Yakko dangle a piece of mistletoe over the tall, female elf's head, and kisses her; Dot
does the same thing to Mel. Wakko decides to drag Mully into the shot, and smooch her; all
three "friends" of the Warners look very bewildered.]
ELVES: [Singing] Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once morrrre...
[Cut to a shot of Slappy drinking eggnog and trying to ignore this whole song; Elfy,
wearing a robe, medal, and scepter that proclaim him "Head Elf", comes dancing
and giggling into the scene. Elfy inadvertently steps on Slappy's foot, causing her to
yelp in pain. Slappy does a fast burn, whips out a few explosives, and straps them to
Elfy's back. The elf does a quick take, before the explosives go off. Elfy is seen
hurtling through the ceiling, with Slappy uttering a few chuckles...]
[Cut back to the singing elves...]
ELVES: [Singing] Cheap revenge against those who have crossed us,
Like to the staff at the fast food storrrre...
[Cut to a shot of Freakazoid stomping into the Arctic McDonald's that the gang stopped
off at earlier, and heads over to the dimbulb pimple-faced worker at one of the
FREAKAZOID: [A la Clint Eastwood] It's payback time for Foamy, *punks*! [A fight cloud
breaks out between the Freak and the McD's employees...cut back to the elves.]
ELVES: [Singing] Through the years we all will be together,
If the Fates allow...
[Cut to a shot of Plotz...]
PLOTZ: Hmph! Not a chance! See you in the next recycled stock footage
"P*k*mon" promo, losers! [Slappy sticks her head in the shot, and hands him an
explosive. Plotz goes BOOM!, as Craig would put it...Plotz is seen looking worse for wear
afterwards.] [Muttering] Er, well...we'll see....yaaah! [Faints.]
[Cut back to the elves once more...however, also joining them is everyone who had
something to do with this dumb special, in a very wide group shot, which resembles
"The Muppet Movie"'s final song bit: The Warners, the mice, Slappy, Skippy,
Axel, Arnold, Snow Miser, Sculder, Mully, Minerva, the Flash, Plastic Man, the Snow
Miser's "Mini-Me"'s, Santa, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, Elfy (in bandages from
being blown up), Plotz, Bill Gates, Fanboy, Freakazoid (who decides to pat Fanboy on the
back out of holiday forgiveness), Foamy (gnawing on a dog bone with a bow on it), Tim,
Austin Powers and Dr. Evil (also in bandages from being blown up), Dre,
"Whitey", Rico (bearing fruit gift baskets for everyone), the temporary agency
thugs/aliens, the Arctic McDonald's employees (in bandages from their fight with
Freakazoid), Fred Doppel, Chicken Boo, Dharma and Greg, that obscure 80's rock group Capt.
Caps mentioned, Richard Stone, the voice artists for the Warners and the mice, the aliens
from "The Day the Earth Stood Still", the Bing Crosby, Sinatra, and Jimmy
Durante caricatures, the Muppets, Mo-Ron, Rita, Runt, Superman (who's finally finished
responding to his correspondence), Mel Gibson, William Shatner, the cast of "Saturday
Night Live", Wesley Snipes, Pip Pumphandle, Bill Murray, the stage crew, and
(inexplicably) Brainatra, Romey, Craig, and Captain Caps.]
ALL: [Singing] Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
[Cut to a shot of Axel, Snow Miser, Pinky, and Billie standing on each others'
shoulders near a Christmas tree; Axel curses profusely from the weight of the other three
on his shoulders, Snow Miser zaps a few icicles onto the branches, while the two mice
hoist the star on top of the tree. Billie then points to a piece of mistletoe hanging
overhead, and kisses Pinky...]
[Cut back to the massive group shot.]
ALL: [Singing] And have yourself a Waaaakkoooo little Christmas [Music reaches a
[The music ends; however, the ludicrous number of characters gathered causes the
flooring to give way, sprawling everyone into the workshop's basement. Sounds of pain can
be heard from all.]
DOT: [From off-screen] I've fallen, and I can't get up.
CRAIG: [From off-screen] So much for not ending this thing with tired cliched lines...
BRAINATRA: [From off-screen] Or another chance to use that "two places at
ROMEY: [From off-screen] Or more Billie lines...
CAPT. CAPS: [From off-screen] Or another obscure 1980's pop culture reference...
SLAPPY: [From off-screen] Or an original joke...
BRAIN: [From off-screen] Or *without* a painful slapstick gag...
ELFY: [From off-screen] Don't worry---I'll fix it! [A few magical sparks are seen
flying out of the hole, and magically, all are standing on a newly constructed floor once
YAKKO: Um...thanks, short stuff. Well, anything else, or is that all?
WAKKO: Not that I can think of...
CRAIG: Um...well, there's still the epilogue that I wrote for this thing...
[All moan once more...]
SLAPPY: At this rate, we'll never get to the wrap party for this flippin' thing. Lousy
longwinded hack writers...
BRAIN: [Covering face with hands.] *Indeed*. Let's just get it over with already...
[Fade to black, then into the epilogue...]
[We see frozen screen shots of the characters with captions appearing underneath, a la
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot returned to the Warner Lot and on Christmas, "Wakko's
Wish" was indeed received by trillions of kids, teens, and adults alike. They were
called the next morning by the studio bigwigs with a pitch for a sequel, but that was the
last they heard of it. Wakko never received his Don Knotts videos.
PINKY, BILLIE, & BRAIN:
The mice went back to Acme Labs to plan for tomorrow night. They continue to try to take
over the world and wait patiently as Romey plots the next major events in their lives for
the next fanfic.
SLAPPY & SKIPPY:
Slappy returned home where she and Skippy celebrated the last few days of Hanukkah
quietly. They spent the good part of the week after Christmas watching "Wakko's
Wish", but Skippy never got to see the whole thing, as Slappy kept fastforwarding to
AXEL & ARNOLD:
Mr. Foley and Mr. Schwarzenegger received big way-above-scale paychecks for their
celebrity appearances in this special. They returned to Hollywood where they went caroling
door to door to collect money for Alaskan malamutes who have been injured in snowmobile
accidents---a worthy cause. Axel is currently planning a new, gratuitous character-less
special, "An Axel Foley Kwanzaa", airing live from his home in Detroit.
Security guards posted around the perimeter of Axel's home, a contract clause with the
network airing the special, and an expensive security detection system will prevent any
unwanted puppy-children, superheroes, fellow actors, genetically-altered lab mice, and
"Saturday Night Live" cast members from showing up for this thing.
Mr. Allen established his own line of tools which he claimed were so easy-to-use that even
a child could use them. He was jailed after the tools proved defective and several
children were injured. He also lost $25,000,000 in lawsuits.
FLASH & PLASTIC MAN:
The Flash and Plastic Man returned to their respective monthly series in DC Comics. The
Flash has just finished a seven-month story arc in which he battles The Wallpaper Hanger.
He is unimpressed with the scripts lately written, and is accepting any offers to star in
other comic books. Plastic Man begins pulling that "two places at once" bit on
his fellow superheroic cohorts; however, Batman, annoyed by this inane gag, leaves Plas
tied in a complicated knot around a streetpost in Gotham City. It took 3 hours for Plas to
undo the knot.
Snow Miser broke his 25-year leave from the acting biz with this special, and is now
receiving many offers. He is slated to appear in the upcoming Bond film "Freeze a
Jolly Good Fellow", as well as having a cameo in "A Very Gore-y Christmas",
Mr. Vice President's latest attempt to prove himself loose and easy in the public eye.
SCULDER & MULLY:
Sculder and Mully returned to FOX, where they finished filming for the season. Mulder was
injured in a freak accident during filming involving a Spork, 50 feet of nylon, and a
giant cow. He's expected to be better in time to film the next movie.
Mr. Gibson, by order of _Santa's Law_, Page 341, Column 2, Line 53, was ordered to stay
with Dot, as he was her present. However, after two weeks he couldn't stand her incessant
smooching and hugging and so made a break for it. He was last seen in a used camel lot by
the Niger River in Timbuktu.
Foamy was rushed to the Emmitt Nervend Memorial Pet Hospital. There, he received top
medical treatment, and although the doctors say he'll never play the fiddle again, they
assure him he'll be otherwise fine, and he doesn't mind, since he never played the fiddle
in the first place. He successfully sued the pimple-faced kid behind the counter at the
Elfy enjoyed his status as "Head Elf", but soon, a giant scandal erupted
involving Beanie Babies, misplaced funds and constant trips to Orlando, Florida that
became known as "Beaniegate"; Elfy was demoted from his position as "Head
Elf", but still enjoys employment under Santa's Workshop, Inc. as a run-of-the-mill
administrative assistant elf and as his *new* life-dream-of-the-moment, a construction
worker in Los Angeles.
FREAKAZOID & COSGROVE:
Freakazoid and Cosgrove went to Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick, where they each got a hot dog on a
stick, as well as lots of little mustard packets. Then they went to the National Museum of
Frisbees, followed by Crazy Larry's Circus of Fun, where they saw an iguana walk on
stilts. They really enjoyed the experience. Good for them!
Chicken Boo was soon revealed to be a giant chicken during a flight from Tulsa, Oklaholma
to Indianapolis by a Mr. Bobby Knight...however, Mr. Knight took a liking to the giant
cluck. Boo is currently working as an assistant coach at Indiana University in
RICO, "WHITEY", & DRE:
The gang head back to San Francisco, where they distributed fruit baskets and travel-sized
tool kits to people throughout the city. The gang soon resolved their "wanted
men" status with the law thanks to the massive levels of "Christmas spirit"
generated by their appearance in this special, and are currently doing repair work on the
city's trolley car system.
[The epilogue ends...cut back to the massive group gathering.]
YAKKO: *Whew*...some expo! Anything else to add to this thing?
SLAPPY: [Aggravated] *NO*! IT'S OVER! END IT ALREADY!!
YAKKO: Aaaaah, OK...well, then, only one thing left to do!
ALL: GOODNIGHT AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY!
[All wave at the camera, as the music and picture *finally* fade out to...]
CREDITS (compressed to the side of the screen, while typically annoying ads for P*k*mon
CAST (Roughly in order of appearance):
Yakko/Pinky: Rob Paulsen
Wakko/Frank Sinatra: Jess Harnell
Dot/Billie/Elfy/Tanna/Amelia Earhart: Tress MacNeille
Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy
The 1999-2000 season cast of "Saturday Night Live":
Tim Meadows, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer, Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Colin
Quinn, Darrel Hammond, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz and Rachel Dratch
Fred Doppel/Michael Bronzestein: Jim Cummings
The Brain/Wakko's Burps/Bing Crosby: Maurice LaMarche
Pip Pumphandle: Ben Stein
Wesley Snipes: Himself
Dharma: Jennifer Elfman
Greg: Thomas Gibson
Whitey: Some guy Capt. Caps met in a strip mall parking lot
Dre: Ditto again (he was coming out of the TCBY frozen yogurt shop at the strip mall)
Tim Allen: Himself
Bill Murray: Himself
Slappy: Sherri Stoner
Skippy: Nathan Ruegger
Chicken Boo/Runt/Foamy/Eros/T. Plotz: Frank Welker
Misc. elves: Santa's little sweatshop helpers (union formation pending)
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Himself
Snow Miser: Dan Castellaneta
"Sculder": David Duchovny
"Mully": Gillian Anderson
Minerva: Julie Brown
The Muppets: Frank Oz, Steve Whitmire and David Goelz
Freakazoid/Jimmy Durante: Paul Rugg
Cosgrove: Ed Asner
Joe the Announcer: Joe Leahy
The Flash: Charlie Schlatter
Young Axel (in flashback): Axel's kid second cousin from Joliet, Illinois
Mr. Foley (in flashback): Axel's daddy
Mrs. Foley (in flashback): Axel's mama
Mo-Ron: Stan Freberg
Austin Powers/Dr. Evil: Mike Myers
Rita: Bernadette Peters
Superman: Tim Daly
Mel Gibson: Himself
Generic Thugs/Misc. Aliens: Manpower temps
William Shatner: Him...self
George Lucas: Himself
Bill Gates: Himself
Fanboy: Stephen Furst
Brainatra (the writer): Himself
Capt. Caps: Himself
Romey (the writer): Himself
Director: Alan Smithee
Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Slappy, Skippy, Hello Nurse, Phar Fig Newton, Freakazoid, Cosgrove,
Foamy, Mo-Ron, Chicken Boo, Pinky, the Brain, Billie, Pip Pumphandle, Rita, Runt, Fanboy,
Verminator, "Wakko's Wish", "Iron Giant" © 2000 by Warner Bros., used
P*k*mon © Nintendo, Inc. Used without permission.
Axel Foley, "Star Trek", Odo © Paramount Studios, used without permission.
"Dharma and Greg" © ??/ABC-TV, used without permission.
Bender and "Futurama" created by Matt Groening and © Fox, used without
Snow Miser, Heat Miser, "Year Without a Santa Claus" © 1974 by Rankin-Bass
Productions/Golden Books Family Entertainment, used without permission.
McDonald's © McDonald's Corporation, used without permission.
"Saturday Night Live" © National Broadcasting Company, Inc., used without
"Mad TV" © Fox, used without permission.
"Home Improvement" © D*sney, used without permission.
"Jingle Bell Rock" by ???, used without permission.
"Have Yourselves a Merry Little Christmas" by ???, used without permission.
"CinderElmo" © Fox/K-Mart/Jim Henson Productions, used without permission.
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" written by Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel). Used
ALF © Alien Productions, used without permission.
"Motown Mice" written by Brainatra and Romey, used with permission.
"The Day the Earth Stood Still" and related characters © Twentieth Century
Fox, used without permission.
Austin Powers and Dr. Evil © New Line Cinema, used without permission.
The Muppets © Jim Henson Productions, used without permission.
"Wizard of Oz" written by L. Frank Baum. MGM film version © 1939 by MGM
Studios, used without permission.
Superman, Jimmy Olsen, the Fortress of Solitude, the Flash, the Shade, the Justice
League of America, Starro the Conqueror, _Brave and the Bold_, and Plastic Man © DC
Comics, used without permission.
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.
Plastic Man created by Jack Cole.
The Muppets created by Jim Henson.
Elfy created by Brainatra.
Rico, Whitey, and Dre created by Captain Caps.
Official WBC Fanfic Fast Food Sponsor:
Temps provided by:
Technology provided by:
Santa's Workshop, Inc.
Axel-Swearing Censored By:
Spatial Distortion Gags Courtesy Of:
Obscure 80's References Provided By:
Obscure Sci-Fi Movie References Courtesy Of:
Sets Built By:
Tim Allen and the "Home Improvement" crew
Foamy's Shots Provided By:
The Tippecanoe County, Indiana Humane Society
Special Effects By:
Some schmoe's 386 PC with bagel crumbs and coffee stains on the keyboard
Billie Fan Club President:
Gratuitous DC Comics References By:
When In Central City...
Visit the Flash Museum!
That "Two Places At Once" Bit Is:
A. A highly original and witty gag deserving of much praise
B. Getting old enough to be carbon-dated
C. A fairly lame cartoon gimmick beaten into the ground in every fanfic story Brainatra's
ever written for
That "Right Behind 'Em" Bit Is Also:
A. Even lamer (if possible) than that "two places at once" gag
C. A crutch abused by the writers when desperate for another cheap gag after they've
already recycled that "two places at once" bit to death half a dozen times in
the same story already.
Flash's Superspeed Powers Are:
A. Actually useful
B. Neato-cool and faboo
C. In a typical comic book fashion, frighteningly demigod-like and overabused by every
other "Flash" writer over the past 60 years (with that "vibrate his
molecules" bit abused more than that "two places at once" bit ever
was...like this one time when the Flash stopped an earthquake in California caused by some
villain's device by vibrating his molecules at a certain frequency while racing at
superspeed and...ahh, never mind...)
The Number of Characters In This Thing Was:
A. Way more than that "39 Characters" thing ever had
B. Beyond ludicrous
C. Indication of this story's writers' desire to see their favorite WB or non-WB fictional
characters show up
in a fanfic story at some point
D. Not helping these Academy Awards ceremony-length credits
The Brain will return in: "The Mouse With the Giant Head"
Axel Foley will return in: "Beverly Hills Cop 4: The Same [bleep]in' Number
of Sequals As 'Lethal Weapon''s Had"
Don't miss "An Axel Foley Kwanzaa", December 26-January 1 on CBS!
Also don't miss: "A Very Slappy Chanukah", airing in December on CBS!
Don't forget to buy HYAWLC *now* on video and DVD! Don't tape this thing off the tube
next year when it's been sliced and diced to death to stick more commercials in!
Also don't forget to buy all 57 HYAWLC toys at McDonald's!
HYAWLC soundtrack available on: dubbed-to-cassette copies using Romey's stereo and a
pile of old Christmas/musical soundtrack LP's...
Read the overpriced paperback novel translation of HYAWLC. Also available on audio book
cassette, as read by the "Cursing One" himself! Don't miss it!
The *Next* New WBC Chainlink Christmas Special will occur:
A. Next year
B. Next millennium
C. When the writers come up with some actual original jokes vs. recycled pop culture
references/tired spatial distortion gags/whatever...
[Cut to the Water Tower; the shield opens up. Yakko, Wakko and Dot pop out, surrounded
in the background by every character that appeared in this fanfic.]
ALL: It's over! What are you waiting for?!
[The shield door closes.]
[Fade to the Amblin Entertainment logo. Instead of the A! music, we hear a Christmasy
version of the Amblin Entertainment logo. We then cut to a shot of the writers of this
CRAIG, BRAINATRA & ROMEY: Um...what the heck was *that* music?!
CAPTAIN CAPS: An obscure bit of music, only heard at the end of the movies "The
Color Purple", "The Money Pit", "Young Sherlock Holmes" and
"E.T". It was written, if I recall clearly, by one John Williams!
CRAIG & ROMEY: All right!
BRAINATRA: [Sounding hesitant] Um...yeah. [Walks off-screen, muttering.] Ugh...a
"Money Pit" reference...could've at least made a reference to a *tolerable*
movie from the 1980's, like "Back to the Future"...or "Teen
Wolf"...aaah, these credits have run on long enough as it is, and I'm sick of
typing...I'm going to bed! [Yawns] [From off-screen, the sound of a door closing can be
[The others merely glance at the slammed-shut door, and shrug.]
CRAIG: [Scratches his head] Maybe he just needs some coffee? [Holds up a Mr. Coffee
coffeemaker pot of coffee and a bag of sugar.] Wonder if he likes it black or with extra,
extra sugar...[Shrugs; dumps half the bag of sugar into the coffeepot; sips from the pot
directly] Ehhh...kind of weak.
ROMEY: Or maybe Brainatra could use this handmade Billie beanbag doll, made from an old
Pinky beanbag toy and three taken-apart-and-recycled P*k*mon stuffed dolls? [Holds up a
marginal-looking homemade stuffed Billie doll...] Ah, yes, Billie...the WB merchandisers
and WBA writers may have ignored or underused you, but *I* won't! [Brushes a few bits of
lint off the doll...] Oops...better use the lint roller on this baby later...
CAPT. CAPS: Or maybe Brainatra could use this collection of the best hits of the
1980's? Featuring even *more* groups no one but me and six other people have heard of or
remember! [Holds up an LP album labelled "Best of the 1980's".] [Reading the
album's included groups.] Heh, heh..."Menudo"...let me tell you, none of this
group's members' careers probably never reached a higher point than as part of
"Menudo"! [Glances at the Menudo group members list] Especially probably whoever
this Ricky....Martin...guy is.
[The three writers begin to debate amongst themselves, as we fade out from this
[Fade to the Warner Brothers logo, brightly colored and festooned with lights. The
final chords of the closing regular A! theme song play, and we fade out once and for all.]