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Fan Fics



By: Pretty Much Everyone (Brainatra, Capt. Caps, Sharklady, Robert, DR. BELCH, BeepBeep, The Siren, Dot, and Colin, with a musical extravaganza by Craig!)


[Open on a large, fancy theater, with various stretch limos seen pulling up outside of it, as well as a large crowd of people...we hear an announcer's voice]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual "Harley" awards!

[Cheesy opening music plays, as we see a computerized graphic of said award spin across the screen...the gold-colored award consists of B:TAS' Harley Quinn holding a large mallet...]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, we'll be bringing you such awards as: Best Character Abduction...Best Fast Food Rest Stop...Most Original Use of A Repetitive Gag...and much *more*! So, stay tuned...and we promise this thing'll end *sometime* before Election Day!

[Cut to Father Time, wearing a tuxedo over his usual robes, walking through the audience with a microphone...]

FATHER TIME: The year: 2000...the place: the Artemis Theater in Harlem, New York! I'm Father Time, your host of the pre-ceremony show! At this lovely historic theater, history was made 34 years ago, as a certain act starring a certain pair of laboratory mice bombed *hideously*...[Aside to the camera] I should know...I was there...

[Cut to a clip of home movie-esque footage of the "Brain-Fonics" playing at the Artemis Theater in 1966, with the audience booing the fancily-clad Pinky and Brain, as well as the hippie-esque looking Billie, as seen in the fanfic story "Motown Mice"...the clip ends]

FATHER TIME: But *today*, this theater will be the host of an even *bigger* bomb: the *HARLEY AWARDS*! Let's interview some of the celebrities appearing for this award show, shall we? [Walks over to the Cursing One himself] With me now is, uh...what's your name, pal? Axel...Farley?

AXEL: *AXEL*! Axel (bleep)in' Foley!

FATHER TIME: Uh-huh...um...so, I understand some months back, you swiped Dr. Emmett L. Brown's DeLorean time machine, attempted to take over the WB Studios of the year 2015, and almost brought about a future apocalypse thanks to your irresponsible time-travel abuse and wild behavior...

AXEL: [Nervous] Uh...you know about all that?

FATHER TIME: Of *course* I do...who do I look like, Keanu Reeves?! [In Axel's face] I trust you've learned your lesson?

AXEL: Um...er...(bleep)in' yeah!

FATHER TIME: [back to normal tone] *Good*!

AXEL: I'm not going to abuse the (bleep)in' space-time continuum anymore, ya better (bleep)in' believe it!

FATHER TIME: Um...Oookay...maybe you'd like to meet someone---[Pulls Loud Kiddington into the shot] Loud, meet Axel...Axel, Loud. Bye! [Father Time takes off]


AXEL: What the (bleep) are you yellin' for, ya crazy (bleep)? This isn't the (bleep)in' Grand Canyon!








LOUD: [Softly] Um...OK. [Grins slyly]

AXEL: [Sighs] Lousy kid... [Axel walks off, but sees that Loud is somehow standing right in front of him.]


AXEL: [Surprised] AAAAAH! Not this (bleep)in' gag *again*!

[Loud starts laughing, but is poked on the back by someone...namely, Dot, with her sibs standing with them]

DOT: Hate to tell you this, but that gag's been done...to *death*.

LOUD: Really?

DOT: *Really*...try something else, OK?

LOUD: Like what?

WAKKO: Like *this*! [Jumps into Axel's arms, whips out a bar of soap, and begins scrubbing the ex-Harbinger of the Apocalypse's mouth; Axel spits out the soap, and curses]


AXEL: You say "Saturday Night", and I'll shove my fist down your throat, you rotten little (bleep)!

LOUD: (Quieted Down) Hey, I wasn't going to say that! What I was trying to say was...IT'S THE HARLEY AWARDS!

[We zip pan to the stage, where we see a group of singers and dancers, really Vegas-like, run out.]

LEAD SINGER: It's time to party! (A funk version of the Animaniacs theme plays) It's time for the Harley Awards, and we hope you won't be bored! This number is a chore, we are all out of our gourds! It's The Harley Awards! There is "Warner Academy", a model of excess! And so is "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"! "Once And Future Warners"! What about "Package Deal"? "Circle Closing In"...The fear was mighty real! It's the Harley Awards, and we hope you won't get bored! I'm praying to the Lord that I can escape in my Ford! It's the Harley Awards! Brainatra's comic jokes, Billie's Romey's Favorite Lady! Craig wants lots of coffee, Captain Caps loves the 80’s! Siren used to work for D*sney, Sharklady loves the fish, and one of Axel's favorite insults is "son-of-a-(bleep)"! You know it's the Harley Awards, and we hope you won't get bored! This show had better score, or WB will kick us out the door! It's the Harley...Oh yes, the Harley...My favorite Manson is Charlie...It's The Harley Awards! Please don't get bored! (The music ends, and we hear crickets chirping)

DANCER #1: Ah, whadda you know about high culture?

DANCER #2: Let's ditch this joint! Dinner at McDonald's!

OTHER DANCERS: OK! [They all walk off-stage...]

ANNOUNCER: Yes, the Harley Awards are brought to you by McDonald's™, Nintendo's "P*kemon Gold", DC Comics, and Paramount Pictures' "Beverly Hills Cop-The Special Edition", now on DVD with running commentary by Axel Foley! And now, here are your hosts...the *WARNERS*!

[To the tune of the A! theme song, the Warners run out onto the stage, and bow.]

YAKKO: [Looking around] What, no Billy Crystal? [The audience laughs]

WAKKO: No Don Knotts? [The audience laughs even louder]

DOT: No...*sniff*...Mel Gibson? [The audience is in stitches at this point]

WAKKO: Hey! Don't laugh! We were bein' *serious*! [The audience stops]

YAKKO: OK...um...welcome to the first annual Harley Awards! [The opening song starts up again; Yakko shoots a glance at the rafters, and the music stops] Thank *you*...now, then, these awards are being given out for the best in various categories...such as, uh...[Reads his notes] "Best Character Abduction"..."Most Original Use of a Writer's Trademark Running Gag"..."Best 1980's References"?!? What the heck?!

DOT: [Flatly] Sounds like categories the writers of these things are guaranteed to win...as well as their favorite characters...

[Pan in on Axel Foley in the audience...he looks at the camera annoyedly]

AXEL: Hey! Don't be tryin' to put *me* down again! Lousy (bleep)in' cameramen...hey, are you guys even union?!

CAMERAMAN: [Off-screen] Uh...well...

[Pan back to the Warners...]

DOT: Lessee...our first award is for the category of "Best Use of Superpowers in a Fanfic Story" ...the nominees for this category are:

*Pinky*...for "The Fastest Mice Alive"...

[Cue a clip from this story, of Pinky using his superspeed powers to hurl Dudley Puppy into the future...]

*Chicken Boo*...for "Chaos of Characters"...

[Cue a clip of Roboo-cop activating his hamster-tracking mode...]

*Superman*...or his younger self, anyway...for "Brain's Mission For President Reagan"...

[Cue a clip of Superboy pushing on the side of a space shuttle rocket booster to aid its liftoff...]

...and *The Brain*, for "39 Characters In Search of a Plot"...

[Cue a clip of "PikaBrain" electrocuting Zalgar...]

DOT: And the winner *is*... [Opens the envelope] Um...say, Wakko...tell me again what's the difference between McDonald's™ and Burger King™?

WAKKO: Oh, that's easy...one place sells Happy Meals™, the other, "Kid's Club Meals™"!

DOT: Wow! So, which company do you believe would have less-fattening food? I need to watch my girlish figure, after all...

[Father Time whispers from off-stage]

FATHER TIME: PSST! This isn't the *Oscars*! We're not doing that stupid "stall before reading the winner in a contrived manner" bit!

DOT: [Flatly] Oh...OK! [Grins broadly] [Quickly reads the card] The winner is *Superman*...there, all done... [Tosses the card over her shoulder nonchalantly] Boy, *that* was a big surprise...

[The audience applauds, as we see the Man of Steel himself fly towards the stage, and land on it...he walks to the podium, as a snippet of the S:TAS theme plays.]

SUPERMAN: [Taking the award] Thank you for this award...as you know, I've had many an adventure back in the old days...heh...[sounding wistful/nostalgic] this reminds me of those nice times I had...back in those bygone Smallville days...vinyl records...no SUV's...cleaner air...when everything short of a gum wrapper didn’t have the words "dot-com" stamped on it somewhere...[Flashback ripples begin, but Superman shakes his head, making them stop] Hmph...I was just being *descriptive*...*not* trying to do a flashback! Um...I'd like to thank the judges, *and* the American people! I'll try to live up to this award's merits as I have in other areas of life! Thank you!

[The audience applauds, as Superman leaves the stage...]

YAKKO: Boy, wasn't *he* somethin' else?

DOT: Yeah...[Sighs] He's *dreamy*...

WAKKO: Uh-huh...

DOT: OK, then, *super-dreamy*...

Y&W: Girls... [Dot frowns]

Yakko: Anyway, our next award is a very important one...

Wakko: (Glancing At The Monitor) I could debate that.

Yakko: Aaaaaaanyway, our next award is for "Captain Caps' Most Obscure Pop-Culture Reference"! Captain Caps, or as he's known in the real world "John Edward Kilduff", has done much to bring the 1980’s to the pop-cultural fore! (Aside To The Camera) But why'd he have to choose us to do it? (Turning back) Here, to announce the winning reference are Minerva Mink...

Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooooo, Nurse!

Dot: And...80’s pop singer Stacey Q?!

Warners: Okay, audience, on the count of 3...1, 2, 3...

The Audience: WHO?

Wakko: Apparently, the obscurities never stop!

Yakko: Aaaaaaaaaaaah...Never mind, let's just bring them out here!

[Minerva and Stacey walk out.]

Stacey: Pop culture...It changes constantly!

Minerva: Yes. To quote Tina Turner from "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome"..."One day, you're the cock of the walk. The next day, you're a feather duster!"

[Zip pan to Chicken Boo, dressed in a fancy tuxedo.]

Chicken Boo: Buck-Buck-Buckaw?

[Pan back to Minerva and Stacey.]

Minerva: That was pointless!

Stacey: That award is coming later in the show! Now, here are the nominees!

From "Warner Academy"-(When the Mary Hart spoof reporter is kidnapped) Help! I've kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!

Minerva: (V.O) That was a reference to "Ruthless People"!

Stacey: (V.O) Also from "Warner Academy"-(When Dot is pleased to meet Axel)

Dot: But you can call me yours!

Yakko: Or you can her RuPaul!

Axel and Dot: Excuse Me?

Minerva: That was a reference to....uhhhh...you *don’t* want to know... *trust me*... [Glances briefly at Axel in the audience, who grins embarrassedly]

Stacey: (V.O) Also from "Warner Academy"-The use of the Golden Earring song "Twilight Zone".

Minerva: (V.O) From "Radio Free Warners"-The use of the Wang Chung song "Let's Go"

Stacey: (V.0) From "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"-The use of the song "Christmas Wrapping", performed by The Waitresses!

Minerva: (V.O) And lastly, also from "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"-The use of the song "Put A Little Love In Your Heart", as performed by that story's cast.

Stacey and Minerva: And the winner is..."The RuPaul Joke" from "Warner Academy"!

[Captain Caps walks up to the podium. He's dressed like Don Johnson on "Miami Vice".]

Captain Caps: Wow, my first award! Please don't think this was rigged...all my fellow writers have their own obscure references! Anyway, I wish to thank the WBC and its members for accepting me, Warner Brothers for creating the characters who we write new adventures for ever since they cancelled our beloved programs for junk like "P*kemon"...Did I just curse? Whatever! Lastly, thanks to Chuck Grosvenor, creator of the website http://www.inthe80s.com. Visit it and look for my writing all over those pages! Thanks so much! Choose Life!

[Caps, Minerva, and Stacey walk off stage.]

Yakko: Okkay! Let's try to stick to the present in future stories!

Wakko and Dot: Amen to that!

Yakko: And now, the award for best annoying costar...

Dot: The nominees are.....

AXEL FOLEY for his outstanding performaces in recent fan fiction stuff! -clips from several are played on the big screen behing the Warners.

DAFFY DUCK-for his appearance in "Fastest Mice Alive!" -clips of Daffy chasing Speedy and Brain appear from FMA.

DUDLEY PUPPY-for outstanding portrayal as an extremely annoying yet still formidable villain, in "Fastest Mice Alive."

Dudley (surrounded by cops and free of all technological implements): What an HONOR! To FINALLY be noticed, and for an AWARD yet!

Wakko: And the winner for the best portrayal of an obnoxious costar is.... DAFFY DUCK!

Daffy: Thank you, thank you my good...whatever you ares! It is a great honor, blah, blah blah, thanks to all the stars and to God and to beepbeep and Brainatra and blahblah-OKAY, doggie! Hand over that mike! If you're gonna make me come up here to get an award ya might as well let me host the next segment!!!!

Wakko: Say, Daffy, I'm not a DOG.

Yakko and Wakko: Yeah, we're the Warner Brothers! (Dot: and the Warner Sister!)

Daffy: Yeah, well whatever you are you're a nuisance. Ever since they rediscovered you in the mid-90's after all that time in the water tower, you've gone on to be called one of the "smartest" series of cartoons and what not. Well, I'm the real star of WB animation! Hand over that mike, I'm hostin' until heck stops roastin'!

Wakko: Well, ummm...okay I guess....

Daffy: For the next awards, the nominees are: me, me, and me....and in all the other segments ...oh, whatta surprise...I'm nominated all 50 times! And I win...say, what's THIS?!

[Daffy notices that the microphone cord is burning and hissing, reaching the mike itself.]


Slappy Squirrel (in audience, nudging KatieKa-Boom): Ya know, you had hormonal ...but there's still nothin' like TNT disguised as a mike! Now that's comedy!

Daffy: [In pain] Hmmmppph...I HATE dethpicable sthquirrels! The only thing they're good for is raiding my bird feeder! (Daffy faints)

Yakko: Well, while the fried duck lovers in the audience begin to set their sights on a nice intermission meal, let's announce the next award!

Dot: Which is...best Brain abduction scene!

[Cut to Pinky, Billie and Brain in the audience, Brain is none too happy of this choice of awards]

Billie: [Trying to calm Brain down] Come on Eggy, we warned you that they'd make up an award like this, we prepared you to hold the anger in if they did, so don't go making a scene.

Brain: Easy for you to say, you've hardly been on the abductee side like I have, especially with that writer who mentions and adores you every chance he gets! [A certain writer nearby smirks at this mention]

Pinky: Cheer up, at least we're being honored for our adventures, and maybe you'll be able to get rid of these kind of awards once you take over the world, troz!

Billie: Good one, Pinks, and you'd better think those thoughts quick Eggy, cause here come the nominees.

Yakko: The nominees are....Wally Faust for "Circle Closing In" [Show the scene with Wally capturing Brain in Elmyra's house from CCI]

Wakko: M*ckey and Snowball's two abductions from "Warner Academy" [Show clips of those two scenes]

Dot: And Zalgar for "The Return of Zalgar" [Show a clip of that abduction]

Yakko: And the winner is....

Brain: Times like this make me wish for those prolonged "Who Wants To Be a Millionare"-esqe award annoucments for once.

Yakko...Wally Faust for Circle Closing In! [The Circle organ music plays for a minute, then is interrupted by Dot]

Dot: Hold the phone, how are we supposed to give this award to a guy in prison?

Wakko: Maybe we could get Mr. Walken to accept this for him, I mean the guy is based on him.

Voice: (V.O) Wait! Don't send that wannabe of myself up there, I got the award and I'm giving the speech for it!

[A large TV screen appears backstage, and when it is turned on, Wally Faust himself is seen from prison with the award]

Wally: Hello...audience members. First of all, I'd like to thank my Circle colleages for sending me to capture my target, and I'd like to thank Mr Pinky for making that birthday present for Mr Brain which made for a easier way to knock them out with the gas by switching the two boxes.

Christopher Walken: (In the audience speaking in his normal voice and not Jeff Bennett's impersonation so as to avoid complications)You should thank me also for being the basis of you which made you so memorable to the WBC Board members who love satirizing me!

Slappy: Ugh, not that "real actor critizing his lookalike bit"! [To Mr Walken] Let's not make this long enough with those pointless bits and risk you winding up like Mr. Duck there, shall we?

Walken: [On the receiving end of being scared in one of his scenes for once] Um, sure, okay.

Wally: Anyway, back to me, I'd finally like to thank Mr Brain for being captured so much so this award could be created for me to win. And soon, I shall celebrate this honor by being the final abductor in your life by way of you being eliminated after you help us take over the world! See you then, old "friend". [He begins to laugh as the organ music plays again, but then the TV is unplugged by Dot]

Dot: I think we can go one story without a 10 second maniacal laughing bit, don't you?

Brain: (Very, very relieved) I couldn't agree more if I tried!

[Cut to another part of the audience, where we see Axel Foley looks rather impatient...Father Time, with a microphone, wanders over to him...]

FATHER TIME: Mr. Foley...how's it feel to *not* have won the "most annoying supporting character" award?

AXEL: Well, even if it *is* for somethin' like "annoying character", I'm still (bleep)in' ticked off, that's what I am! Some lousy (bleep) duck wins that (bleep) thing, but I don't?! All the (bleep) things...and I was gonna use it to hold up the short end of my couch, too...

FATHER TIME: Um...yeah. Back to you, Warners!

[Back to the Warners]

YAKKO: Let's see...we've done Brain abductions, 80's references, superheroics...ah, yes! "Best Villain"!

AXEL: Ah, my (bleep)in' moment in the sun!

YAKKO: The nominees *are*...:

DOT: (V.O.) Axel Foley in "Once and Future Warners" (Cue a clip of Axel fighting the Warners-as-Power-Rangers in 2015)

DOT: (V.O.) Dudley Puppy in "Fastest Mice Alive" (Cue a clip of Dudley and Brain fighting each other at superspeed within a Mexican hacienda)

DOT: (V.O.) Dr. Laura, from "Radio Free Warners" (Cue a clip of the doctor making ninja-moves towards the heroes...)

DOT: (V.O.) The Omenex, from "Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain" (A clip plays of this brood fighting Father Time)

DOT: (V.O.) And finally...Wallace Faust, from "Brain of Two Worlds"...wait, no way this should count! He's from a parallel Earth! He’d be even harder to give this award to than "our" Faust!

YAKKO: Yeah, but then again, Dudley over there's also supposed to be in a prison in the 25th century...

DUDLEY: [Now encased in a "Silence of the Lambs"-esque casing] Ha! I was allowed to come back here to 2000 for this award ceremony, after which, *I* shall be returned to my futuristic jail, from which I’ll eventually escape, and plot your *demise*! [A futuristic-looking cop slaps a gag over his mouth]

DOT: Aaaaanyway, our winner is.... [Drumrolling music plays, as Dot takes her sweet time opening the envelope] Huh? It's...a *TIE*, everyone! The winners are: The Omenex, Dudley Puppy, Dr. Laura, *and* Wallace Faust! Congratulations!

AXEL: [Irate] *WHAT*?!? HOW THE (BLEEP) COULD *I* HAVE STILL LOST, AND TO WHAT?! SOME (BLEEP)IN' "EARTH-1"-"EARTH-2"-"EARTH-(BLEEP)" WHATEVER JUNK RIPOFF OF THAT (BLEEP) FAUST, SOME (BLEEP)IN' *MUTT* FROM THE FUTURE, A BUNCH OF (BLEEP)S WITH A NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A (BLEEP)IN’ ALMANAC, AND SOME STUPID HACK RADIO TALK SHOW HOST?!?! [Axel begins pounding his head on the back of his seat, then calms down, whips out some bottled water, and drinks the whole thing down] OK, the main man himself is calmed down now...

[We see the villains walk out onto the stage...Dr. Laura, the Omenex, and Dudley Puppy (wheeled out in his cage by a cop) walk out. From a screen behind the Warners, we see an image of Wallace Faust emerge, with a caption reading "Live From A Federal Prison On Earth-2"...he's wearing prison fatigues.]

DUDLEY: Thank you, all! I appreciate this award greatly! However, this doesn't change the fact that I *still* demand revenge against those mice for what they've done! Are you listening, Speedy? Your days are *numbered*! HAHAHAHHA! [The cops shut him up again]

DR. LAURA: Correct...we *all* will have our revenge, in a *new* Secret Villian Revenge Society! HA! [Pauses] Um...were we supposed to reveal that, guys? [The others shake their heads no] Drat...well, back to the drawing board...um...remember: I'm Dr. Laura, and you're all ...immoral peons!

AXEL: Well, that "immoral" part's debatable, but I'm certainly no "peon"...

[Back to the stage’s viewscreen, where we see the aged Wallace Faust on screen, in prison fatigues...he turns to the camera.]

WALLACE: Ah, the Brain of that "other" Earth...soon, my revenge against you *and* the version of yourself on my native world will be at hand! And your Earth’s version of the Man of Tomorrow *won't* be able to lend a hand to stop me! HAHAHAHA!

COP: [From off-the-viewscreen] Hey, Wallace...you remember the rules: *NO MANIACAL LAUGHTER*!

WALLACE: Drat...well, remember...I'll be back! HAHA---oh, right. Hrmph. [Narrows his eyes] You’ll pay for that anti-laughter rule, you foolish, low-paid guard... [Screen's transmision is cut by Dot, who (with the rest of the audience) shudders at Wallace’s creepiness.]

DOT: I think we've seen enough of that for one day...[to the villains] and enough of you, too!

DR. LAURA: Very well...come, all, let us depart! [The villains all exit the stage...]

(The Warners once more gather behind the podium.)

YAKKO: And now our next award: Best Song Parody in a Fan Fic. Presenting this...

WAKKO: Hey, wait a minute! Isn't the Best Song award supposed to be one of the last ones?

DOT: Yeah! Doesn't that come *after* each of the song nominees has been preformed in a big splashy Production Number?

YAKKO: Well, that *was* our original schedule, but the producers were afraid that'd extend the ceremony past tomorrow's lunch break. (low voice) And besides; during rehearsal, the producers showed up unexpectedly and *heard the songs.*

WAKKO & DOT: (understanding) Ooohhh!

YAKKO: So, to present the Award, here's that world-famous mouse-and-mouse comedic team, Pinky and the Brain!

(As the Warners exit Stage Left, the mice, dressed in the same tuxedos we saw in 'Brainwashed', enter Stage Right and climb the microphone cord to the top of the podium. Billie's voice, whistling and calling "Yay, Pinky! Whoo-who!", can be heard over the general applause.)

PINKY: (staring delightedly out at the audience) Oooo! Look at all the people!

(BRAIN pompously clears his throat, and proceeds to read off the teleprompter)

BRAIN: Hmm-umm! Song-parodies provide a vital structural component to the Fan Fic, providing both dramatic and comedic intervals, as well as unlimited opportunity for pop-cultural... (breaking off in disgust) What unmitigated drivel!

PINKY: (glancing about the stage excitedly) Narf! Is Michael Jordan here?!

BRAIN: (slapping a hand above his eyes) And now they're working in references to one of WB Animation's less-laudable productions! (To his co-presenter) Pinky, let's ignore the teleprompter and just announce the nominees.

PINKY: (disappointed) But Brain, it's so much fun to watch those lines scrolling up like fuzzy black caterpillars!

(BRAIN gives PINKY *That Look.*)

PINKY: (shrugging) Okay!

(BRAIN pulls a rolled paper from his tuxedo pocket, unrolls the top part and holds it up where they can both read.)

BRAIN: Nominees are; from 'Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas': "No Business Like Snow Business", preformed by Elfy.

(Clip of the song performance) (Live Shot of a modestly smiling Elfy, backstage where he's apparently working as a stagehand.)

PINKY: From 'Package Deal': "Lake Sakawea", preformed by The Warners Brothers and The Warner Sister.

(Clip) (Live Shot of the Warners, seated on canvas chairs in the stage wing, scarfing popcorn and nudging congratulations to each other.)

BRAIN: From 'Motown Mice': "I Heard It Through The Phone Line", preformed by Billie.

(Clip) (Live Shot of Billie seated in the audience, beaming a coy 'Oh, you're too kind!' smile.)

PINKY: From 'The Mouseyville Horror': "What To Do?", preformed by *you*, Brain!

(Clip) (Live Shot of Brain, smiling rather *im*modestly, then realizing he's back on camera and switching to Host form.)

BRAIN: And from 'Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas': "Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas", preformed by... (hesitates, as a *long* length of paper unscrolls from the bottom of the list.) ... too many people to name.

(Clip) (Live Shot of the wildly applauding audience, which, we can see, consists largely of the same characters who were in the Clip)

CUT BACK to Podium, where PINKY, pulling back with all his strength, manages to break the seal on the Award envelope. BRAIN extracts and unfolds the enclosed sheet of paper.)

BRAIN: (reading) And the Harley goes to... (his eyes widen) "Never Give Up Hope", from 'Wakko's Wish'...?

(A puzzled murmur runs through the theater. Suddenly a certain familiar woodchuck hurries across the stage, snatches the paper from Brain, and hands him another.)

WOODCHUCK: (speaking into the microphone) Sorry, folks- mixup with the award envelopes! (The woodchuck scurries off, muttering ' That's the last time I hire a discount delivery service...!')

(Slightly annoyed, Brain unfolds the new paper, and reads:)

BRAIN: As I was saying; the Harley goes to... (suddenly feeling much better) "What To Do?", from 'The Mouseyville Horror'!

(General applause. Simultaneous clips of Elfy, Billie, and the Warners clapping politely for a few seconds, before slumping in disappointment. Dot shakes it off to bounce back out to the podium and take the microphone.)

DOT: Accepting the Best Song Parody award is the author of 'Mouseyville', Jennifer Lynn Weston, aka Sharklady!

(SHARKLADY, wearing a formal blue & green gown and a shark-tooth necklace, crosses the stage and enthusiastically accepts her statuette from Dot.)

SHARKLADY: Thank you, thank you very much! I want to thank Harley and Brian and Colin and the rest of the WBC crew for providing me with such a great forum to showcase my fan writings! And thanks to all the other Storyboard contributors for their support- you're *all* superb writers! And thanks to Claude-Michel Schonberg, composer of the 'Les Miserables' theatrical score, for providing me with the original "Who Am I?" tune- I love your play, guys! And... (Dot coughs a bit whilst tapping her wristwatch) Just one more Thank You, then. To my favorite WB character, The Brain, for that *wonderful* voice which made my song come alive!

(SHARKLADY leans over and gives Brain a little kiss on top of his head-Brain, momentarily startled, grins in a self-conscious 'Aw, shucks!' manner. Pinky teasingly puckers up and makes kissy noises; Brain, scowling, snatches off Pinky's top hat and waps him across the snout.)

(SHARKLADY scoops up the mice with her free hand, and retreats Stage Right, happily waving her Harley towards the audience as she goes. Pinky waves his crumpled hat in farewell, while Brain makes a formal bow.)

(YAKKO and WAKKO, brushing the popcorn bits off their clothes, rejoin their sister at the podium.)

WAKKO: Gee, *that* acceptance speech wasn't particularly wacky!

DOT: I think the writer was indulging in a little Wish Fulfillment, Wakko.

YAKKO: Oooh, kay. Anyway, moving right along...we have been fortunate enough to star in many great stories...(Aside To His Sibs) Once again, we could debate that...(Turning Back To The Camera/Audience) You didn't hear that!

Wakko and Dot: (Winking at the camera) Riiiiiiiiiight!

Yakko: In all seriousness...here to present a special tribute is Academy-Award winning actress Hilary Swank!

Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooooooooo, Nurse!

[Hilary walks out on stage.]

Hilary: Many fanfics live on forever, and often end up getting made fun of in "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fanfics. Unfortunately, there are a great many fanfics that just didn't take off. Lost forever to the sands of time and the wilds of cyberspace, these stories will live on forever in the minds of those who created them! We present a special tribute to these stories, and here to perform their 1989 hit "Heaven", but with lyrics tailor-made to this awards ceremony is...WARRANT!

[The curtain opens up and Warrant lead singer Jani Lane speaks up.]

Jani: You will always be remembered! (Singing, while the band plays) There are stories of 3 mice/ Whose plans have always failed/ And sadly there are stories/ Whose potential was never nailed/ Like when they were to make a movie/ With a major all-star cast/ But sadly production failed/ Ain't that a kick in the (bleep)/ Or when they wanted to form a hair-metal band/ Sadly that story was not in high demand/ Heaven for the fanfics that died/ The creators sat around and cried/ It's too bad that these stories died.../ Now we come to the Warners/ Yakko, Wakko and Dot/ When it came around to these stories, the writers gave it all they got/ Like when the boys fell in love/ That story's death was a sin/ And then there was the time they were to fight the Grem-a-lins/ It's too bad there was no Superman/ to help these stories try to find some wanting fans/ Heaven for the fanfics of yore/ They won't be around anymore/ I guess that we all now know the score/ How poor!/ Now the lights are going out on stories like "Frasier Brain"/ And "Fanfic Mice" was put out of its never-ending pain/ (At this point, the audience raises lighters) There was nowhere left to go/ Nobody really cared/ They didn't know what to do/ Their fanfic dreams never came true/ Heaven/ That's where these stories went/ Heaven/ All of these dreams were bent/ Heaven/ All the potential was spent/ Oh-Oh/ Heaven's where these stories were sent/ Yeah! (Wild applause) Goodnight, Artemis Theater wherever you are!

Axel: Um...(bleep)in' Harlem is where this theater's at, buddy...

[The Warners return to the stage...]

Yakko: Great song, guys! Anyway, our award goes to the best evil villain scheme!

Axel: Finally, some [bleeping] justice is coming my way!

Dot: I thought we were done with the villains already, and shouldn't have this come before the best villains award?

Wakko: What do you expect, the writers to conform to tradition? They're iconoclasts through and through!

Yakko: Okay, number one, Wakko that was an uncharacteristic use of high vocabulary, and two...altogether now...

Brain: (Calling out) Enough! Before you use that starting to get repetitive audience gag again, I'll stop you and say an iconoclast is an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer, indeed fitting in with Mr. Warner's description of our writers. I suggest you not risk ruining my good mood and put that gag to rest for a while.

Yakko: Fine. Anyhoo, the nominees are The Circle for their prionic sequencer scheme in "Circle Closing In"[Clips of that evil plot show]

Wakko: M*ckey Mouse and Snowball for their drug/Beanie Baby plan in "Warner Academy" [Clips of that show]

Dot: [Shuddering at the memory of this scheme] Rupert Murdoch and Stewie for that (shudder) awful dubbed in dialogue interview of us in the Fox reality special "Interview" [Boos in the audience are heard as that plan’s carrying out is shown]

Yakko: Jamie Kellner for his plan for an all P*kemon lineup with us inside the P*kemon in "39 Characters" (Aside) Though of course, that's not really an idea that hasn't been tried in real life, is it?

Dot: And instead of complaning it wasn't really Kellner that did all that, I'll instead say the final nominee is (Axel grins in anticipation) the thankfully late Dr Gene Burrows for his plan to bring about the elimination of "Histeria" characters Loud Kiddington and Miss Information by airing a world wide marathon of their most annoying moments for 24 hours in, well "24 Hours"!


[The Bleepmeister himself is then drenched with a bucket of water before he goes on, we then see the one responsible for that is Loud]



Axel: Okay, that (bleep)ing does it, I've had it with you, you annoying (bleep)! (Slyly) Besides, you shouldn't be so proud of your late enemy getting nominated, that (bleep)ing scientist wanted to kill you because you were so (bleep)ing annoying! Now either leave me alone or it'll only confirm my thought that getting rid of you for being annoying was a (bleep) good idea!

Loud: (Embarassed) Oops, you got me there. I mean it did take 3 months and the near destruction of Washington D.C. for everyone else to realize getting rid of me wasn't as good an idea as that madman made it to be....

Axel: (Interrupting) Alright, we get it, enough (bleep)ing mushy stuff, you did that enough in those two stories. Just annouce the winner already and get it over with!

Yakko: Okay, and....

Wakko: Wait, let me annouce the winner this time, I've only done it once and you guys have done it all the other times, please?

Yakko: Fine, let no one say we're not generous. (Gives Wakko the envelope)

Wakko: Faboo! The winner is...(takes a half second look at the open envelope) Phew, it wasn't Jamie Kellner who won it, so we won't have to boo him for winning. (Takes one more look and gasps) Never mind, boo as much as you want, because the winner, or winners in this case are...Rupert Murdoch and Stewie for "Interview".

[Boos, and fruit, come raining down on Rupert (wearing a tux) and Stewie (wearing the yellow tux from "Family Guy"’s title scene) as they come on stage and accept their award]

Rupert: Silence! [He throws several balls to the ground, and like in the Simpsons Super Bowl ep, British policemen with nightsticks appear when the balls come down. This shuts the audience up] That's better. Now then, first I'd like to thank my brilliant mind for coming up with such a wonderful plan, and my friend Stewie for his various ideas in making it work so well.

Stewie: Yes Rupert, this is a gleefully evil victory, and hopefully a preview of things to come for him and especially me!

Brain: Excuse me, tiny genius baby who is a ripoff of me, shouldn't you not be so happy with your partner, because he pretty much kicked your already awful show off of next year's FOX lineup. I smell a double cross from that bit of news.

Stewie: (Annoyed) WHAT?! Rupert, how *dare* you! As awful as that dreck show is, it's my only way to get through to the gullible viewing public to exact my own plans! You traitor!

Rupert: (Whispering) Hold it, it's just a trick. I'm not planning to double cross you, I'm just taking it off for a while, then when the public least suspects it, I'll bring it back as terrible as ever to celebrate our forthcoming victory.

Stewie: Oh, oh you evil genius you, that's perfect!

Rupert: I know. (To himself) Heh heh, sucker. (Aloud) Anyway, thank you for this victory, and now I must leave you to plan our latest dreadful, but wonderfully profitable, specials like "World's Deadlist Final Confrontations™" and "Behind the Scenes Secrets of Supposingly Wholesome Cartoons Revealed"! See you then, all you entertaining and therefore disposable audience members!

[Rupert and Stewie leave and take their guards with them, with the audience still booing]

Axel: Disposable?! Ooh, you better watch your back, you[bleeping]evil exec, you! Not only do you get an (bleep) award that should belong to me and have me still planning (bleep)in' revenge in it, giving the Harley to you instead of whoever's representing that (bleep)ed dead scientist made that whole incident with that (bleep)ing kid entirely pointless! I'll bet the writer of those (bleep) stories put that bit in cause he's a (bleep)ing shameless self promoter, aren't you, whoever the (bleep) you are?!

Yakko: Okay, before Axel explodes, let's move on to a less dark and more brighter sounding award....

Wakko: This next award is for a beloved tradition...That's right: The Pointless Cameo Appearance!

Dot: Bending the laws of time, space and copyrights, the writers of these wonderful stories...

Slappy: (In the audience) Who's writing this hooey?

Yakko: Hey, it's not our fault that Bruce Vilanch was too busy!

[Zip pan to the set of "Hollywood Squares". Host Tom Bergeron asks a question.]

Tom: In "Once And Future Warners", who brought on the apocolypse?

Bruce: (Wearing a "Flash" T-shirt) Axel Foley!

[The audience, its members never having read Warner Brothers-related fan-fiction, laughs hysterically.]

Bruce: What, don't you get in enough?

[Zip pan back to the Artemis Theater.]

Axel: (Bleeping) "Flash" t-shirt wearin' baby boomer!

Loud: [Holding up Axel’s Michigan state driver’s license and pointing to his 1961 birthdate] Hey, aren't *you* a baby boomer, too?

Axel: [Not wondering how Loud got ahold of his wallet/license] Oh...yeah. [Yelling skyward] Um, sorry, dude...uh, assumin’ you can hear me, that is...

Bruce: [Shows up from out of nowhere and with no explanation, right next to Axel] Forgiven...just watch it with those cheap shots in the future, OK?

[Axel, startled by Bruce’s sudden appearance, screams...]

[Cut to Craig, who laughs at this bit of celebs-appearing-from-nowhere, while Brainatra, seated next to him, sighs...]

[Back to the Warners...]

Yakko: That was pointless!

Dot: And a fine example of the lawsuit-tempting insanity we've gone through over the course of the past several years! So, to present the "Best Pointless Cameo" Harley, here are Jerry Lewis and Paul Rugg.

[Jerry and Paul walk out on stage.]

Jerry: Before we present this award, I have a question for you, Paul!

Paul: Shoot!

Jerry: Why was I spoofed as that horrifically stupid Mr. Director character?

[Cut to Mr. Director.]

Mr. Director: (Sane voice) I am a very witty satire...A picture of intelligence and decency, of wisdom and ideas, of...

Slappy: Ah, cut it out! (Slappy tosses a keg of dynamite of Mr. Director. It explodes, and Mr. Director is sent flying through the roof.)

Mr. Director: (Zany Voice) Mr. Director is blasting off again, Froinlavenshoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!

[Cut back to Jerry and Paul.]

Jerry: Good, forget him! Lousy rip-off!

Paul: Hey, "King Of Comedy", cut it out! Let's read the nominees!

Jerry: And they are...Stone Cold Steve Austin for his cameo in "Warner Academy" (Clips of his appearance, then a shot of Steve, in a tuxedo, acting nervous while being watched by the audience of sophisticates and fanfic writers who hate wrestling)

Paul: Jon Stewart, for his brief cameo in "39 Characters In Search Of A Plot" (Clip of his appearance, then a shot of Jon, holding up a sign saying "Watch 'The Daily Show', and hope that '39' will be on The Story Board within the next decade")

Jerry: James Woods, for his cameo in "The Warners Meet The Simpletons"

(Clips of his appearance)

Paul: Puff Daddy, Molly Ringwald, Cynthia Rothrock, Sigourney Weaver and Arnold Schwarzenegger for their appearances in "Lethal Intellect"

(Zip pan to a juice bar in downtown Manhattan. We see the aforementioned celebrities drinking apple juice mixed with vodka)

Puff: We were nominated?

Molly: For a story that may or may not be completed at some future point?!

Cynthia: How bizzare!

Sigourney: Stranger things have happenned...

Arnold: Like how "Last Action Hero" wasn't a hit?

Molly: That movie bit!

Puff: Yeah...though I still want to raid the soundtrack for my next album!

[Zip pan back to the Artemis Theater.]

Jerry: And lastly, every single person who made an appearance in "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas" (On screen, we see a collage of these people) And the winner is...the people who cameod in "Lethal Intellect"?

[Zip pan back to the juice bar. The stars see this award being announced on a small TV set.]

Puff: What the (bleep)?

[All of a sudden, camera crews from the special burst in, swarming the actors.]

Molly: Um...thank you?

Sigourney: Does this count as a posthumous award or something?

Puff: I would like to thank God!

Cynthia: Even though you drink like a horse, (bleep) like a jackrabbit, and have albums that have a parental advisory label on them?

Puff: Shut up!

Cynthia: Why don't you make me?

Puff: You're gonna be my (bleep)!

[Cynthia and Puff erupt in a fight cloud, which Molly, Sigourney and Arnold join in. Zip pan back to the Artemis Theater.]

Dot: Lydia isn't gonna be pleased about that!

[Cut to shot of the audience, where COURTNEY COX is seated next to a young MAN dressed in a tuxedo and bow tie, who would look pretty snazzy if not for the button-decorated baseball cap on his head and the clunky brown boots on his feet in lieu of dress shoes. He has a mustache, bushy sideburns, a beard tied in a rubber band a la Captain Lou Albano, and glasses. Owing to the length of the festivities, he had nodded off in his seat. Background music: "Beautiful Dreamer." COURTNEY, irked, elbows him sharply, awakening him.]

COURTNEY: Dr. Belch! Wake up! Darn you, wake up!

DR. BELCH: [snorts, stirs, mumbles sleepily]: Eh? The snack bar open yet?

COURTNEY: No! The snack bar is not open!

DR. BELCH [yawning]: Then wake me when it is, doll. [starts to nod off again]

COURTNEY [with fierce jabs]: Wake up, wake up, wake up!

DR. BELCH [whining]: What?

COURTNEY: They just announced "Pointless Cameos", and I didn't win! I thought for sure I was a shoo-in for that shot in "Package Deal"! I cleared a space on my trophy shelf and everything!

DR. BELCH: And you thought you'd win...why?

COURTNEY: Well, it's like a threefold gag there. I mean, (A) I am an employee of Warner Brothers, (B) a caricature of me has appeared in Animaniacs--not once, but twice!-- and (C) it was a coffeeshop, just like the one my character works in on "Friends"! It was too perfect, Doc. You promised me that bit was gold!

DR. BELCH: Yeah, well, what the frig do I know? I liked "Waynehead" too, for crap's sake. [takes out can of root beer, cracks it open, and swigs it]

COURTNEY: Well, do something. Write a letter of protest to the judges and tell them they're morons. Get them to reconsider giving the Harley to a guy whose name sounds like a breakfast cereal. C'mon! You're the college graduate genius brain boy! What are you going to do for me?

[DR. BELCH proceeds to utter a Maurice LaMarche "special belch" in COURTNEY's face, blowing her hair back.]

COURTNEY: Aagh! [claps hand to mouth, cheeks bulging, and bolts out of her seat]

NOSTRADAMUS [in seat next to DR. BELCH]: I knew you were going to do that! Shut up!

DR. BELCH: Hey, I could have gotten Aniston, but she was doing "South Park" that week. And that Phoebe chick wouldn't agree to a scene with her on guitar and me doing backup on harmonica. What can I say? Courtney was next on the list. [scoff] Tempermental actresses.

[Cut to shot of DOT on stage, behind podium reading an index card.]

DOT: Now for "Best 'Are You Pondering?'/'Any Questions?'" gag in a FanFic...and the nominees are...[drum roll]...

Yakko: Wait! Before we announce the nominees, it turns out that we omitted one nominee in the "Pointless Cameo Appearance" Harley. That final nominee is Courtney Cox for her sterling work in "Package Deal"! And in even more news, the winner was misread! Courtney Cox is the winner!

Pinky: What an incredible moment of contrivance! [Brain moans]

[Cut back to the juice bar. It's in shatters from the big fight. A dumb union guy with a Brooklyn accent comes up and takes the Harley away from the "Lethal Intellect" crew.]

Dumb Union Guy: Hey, yo, you've just lost the award!

Puffy: Holy (bleep)! (Turning his face heavenward) Sorry, God!

Dumb Union Guy: Now to bends da laws of times and space...(The union guy disappears a la "Star Trek", and is regenerated in the audience at the Artemis Theater.) Hey, here's your award, Courtney!

[Courtney, with a gigantic smile on her face, drags the still-sleeping Dr. Belch on stage.]

Courtney: (At the podium) Wow! Who would've thought that I would win this award? I would like to thank many people, but above all, I wish to thank Dr. Belch, who brought me into the Warner Brothers fan-fiction world! I love you, Belchy! (She kisses him)

Dr. Belch: (Jolting awake) Hello, Nurse! Come on, Courtney! You want to go to Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick?

Courtney: Okay, sweetie!

[Courtney and Dr. Belch exit the stage, Belch with an ear-to-ear smile on his face.]

[Cut to the lab mice...]

Pinky: WAHAHAHAHA! Union guys...bending time and space...*NARF*! [Brain whaps Pinky on the head; Billie sighs]

Dot: (In a Valley Girl accent) Like, gag me with a spoon! (Normal voice, making a face) Not to mention *unionized* space-time distortion tricks... (More sounds of Pinky giggling off-stage can be heard)

Wakko: Yeah...I thought they’d just use some cheaper nonunion space-time distortion tricks...

Yakko: Um...yeah. Now can we please announce the next award?

DOT: *Gladly*...the next category is Best Original Character in a Fan Fic.

WAKKO: (happy) Hey, I oughta be a lock for that one! Who's more 'original' then me? (proceeds to make a whole series of goofy faces)

YAKKO: Ahhhhh, Wakko, 'original character' means one created especially for the story.

WAKKO: (as his face deflates back to 'normal') Oh, nutbunnies!

DOT: And speaking of small cuddly animals; here to present the award are Slappy Squirrel and her nephew Skippy!

(Applause as the Warners exit, and the two squirrels, in a sequined red gown and a white dinner jacket w/ black bow tie, take their place.)

SKIPPY: (jumping atop the podium to reach the mike) The creation of believable and memorable characters has always been considered one of the most important measures of a writer's...

SLAPPY: (holding up a hand to block Skippy's view) Let's skip the blathering preamble, kid. I wanna be outta here in time to watch Leno.

(Cut To the guy cranking the teleprompter- it's WALTER WOLF, who looks momentarily irritated, but then shrugs.)

WALTER: Eh, what's it matter- I get paid either way! (He settles back to take a snooze.)

SLAPPY: (unfolding a sheet of paper and reading) So the Best Original Character nominees are: from 'Chaos of Characters'; Snowflake son of Snowball, created by The Siren.

(Clip from CoC, then Live View of the Siren in the audience, beaming hopefully.)

SKIPPY: From 'Warner Academy'; the Drill Sergeant, created by Captain Caps!

(Clip from WA, then Live View of Captain Caps, wherever he's gotten to...)

SLAPPY: From 'The Mouseyville Horror'; Sharlay, created by Sharklady.

(Clip from MH, then Live View of Sharklady backstage [the resemblance is unmistakable.] Sharklady is carefully applying Supergrease (TM) to Pinky, who has somehow managed to get wedged between the mallet and arms of her Harley statuette.)

SKIPPY: From 'Circle Closing In'; Melissa Lamsen, created by Brainatra!

(Clip from CCI, then Live View of Brainatra in the audience, who looks to be completely engrossed in a "Flash" comic book. We also see sitting next to him is Melissa, who’s editing her acceptance speech.)

SLAPPY: From 'Radio Free Warners'; the Ninja Thugs, created by... (frowns at the paper) Looks like nobody's quite sure. Well, it's a safe bet somebody'll take the credit, if it wins. And the *final* flippin' nominee's the Omenex, from the writers of "Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain"... (Cut to a clip of the Omenex, as well as a beaming Danielle in the audience...) (Slappy crumples & tosses aside the paper, lifts the award envelope and offers it to Skippy.) Here's your early  birthday present, Skip!

SKIPPY: (eagerly opening the envelope and reading) And the Harley goes to... The Siren, for Snowflake, son of Snowball! (general applause)

(Siren, still sporting a huge, hammy grin for the camera, and a long, purple dress, makes her way toward the stage. At her heels is Snowflake. When she arrives, she takes the award from Slappy, who snorts indifferently. As Slappy and Skippy make their way to the back of the stage, Snowflake hops up onto the podium).

SIREN: (Hissing to Snowflake) Remember, we only have 30 seconds before the anvil drops, and it's not going to be on me.

SNOWFLAKE: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to congratualte you on your impeccible taste, your good judgement in voting...(Siren flicks him with her fingers) OW! (in pain) And to David Hyde Pierce for giving me my voice. (Shot of David Hyde Piere smiling in the audience).

VOICE IN CROWD: It should have been me!

(Cut from Pierce to another hampster sitting next to David Spade, the former of whom is shaking his tiny fist, and the latter of whom is pouting).

SNOWFLAKE: And a special nod to my brother, Desi--Designated Sample One--who perhaps someday will appear in his own fanfic. (Spade and Desi pout).

SIREN: In which case Gookie will be up here accepting this award with me. Anyway, we would like to thank all the other contributors of Chaos of Characters, and all the other writers, especially Sharklady for her nomination, and Romey for his incredible support through the year and a half or so that Snowflake has been around. Thanks go out also to Harley, the maintainer of Toon Zone, without whom none of this would have ever come to light. And of course, thanks to Pinky, Brain, Snowball, and a special nod to the late, great, Roddy MacDowell. (Audience applauds).

SNOWFLAKE: And hence, avoiding the anvil by 5 seconds, we wish you...(an anvil comes clanging down, but whooshes by Siren and Snowflake, crashing through the floor. They look up.)

SIREN: Your aim is off!

(Peeking through the hole from which the anvil came is...)

WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Sorry. I was aiming for Harvey down there.

SNOWFLAKE: (very peeved) I am NOT Harvey!!

WEIRD AL: (grinning knowingly) Well, you LOOK like Harvey.

SNOWFLAKE: (really, really peeved) I most certainly do NOT look like Harvey! And how dare you...(But Siren has clapsed her hand around his mouth--and body--and, exchaning a knowing wink with Al, picks up the Harley).

SIREN: Thank you!!

(She walks off the stage, Snowball and award in hand. Slappy and Skippy follow her out).

[YAKKO takes the podium.]

YAKKO: And now, a very special guest host will introduce our next award.

[AXEL FOLEY, grinning broadly, appears behind YAKKO, straightens his collar, and grins broadly].

FOLEY: Thank you, thank you. Reminds me of the time I--

YAKKO: Ehhhhhhhh...it's not you, Mr. Foley.

FOLEY: WHAT?!? [a series of bleeps follows]

[Zip pan to backstage area, where LYDIA KARAOKE and SAMMY MELMAN are talking.]

SM: Whoo! My ears are bleeding! I tell you, Lyds--I haven't heard a cussfest like this since Sonny Tufts emceed my cousin's bar mitzvah. Think we could get Mr. F. to tone it down a wee tad?

LK: Hey, I didn't get this "Most Conscientious Critic Award" last year for nada, Sam. [hold up a trophy resembling a literal interpretation of the phrase "stick up one's...uh...rear end"] Oh, one more thing.

SM: What, Lyds?

LK [grabs SAMMY's tie, looks him sqaure in the eye]: I HATE to be called "Lyds".

SM [weak laugh]: Gotcha.

[Zip pan back to stage, with FOLEY still ranting.]

FOLEY: --And I'll (bleep)ing tell you another thing! I ain't done nothin' all night but get hollered at, get my butt whupped, and nearly drowned by a bunch of schnauser-looking (bleep)s! (Bleep) it, my (bleep) (bleep) family's here to see me!

[Cut to Foley's parents in the audience--CLETUS KLUMP, MAMA KLUMP, and GRANDMA KLUMP, from "The Nutty Professor". Each takes up two seats.]

CLETUS: You tell 'em, Axy boy! Don't let those ugly little freaks push your butt around!

MAMA: Oh, hush, Cletus. I think they're cute. Especially that darling little one with the flower in her hair. [DOT does a finger-to-the-cheek "I'm-such-a-sweetie" pose; YAKKO and WAKKO do twin finger-in-the-throat "bleah" takes.]

CLETUS: You say whatever you want to, baby--but them things scare me! Look like three rejects from some genetic modification experiment thingamajig!

[Zip pan to Brain, Pinky, and Billie, who turn around and frown at Cletus.]

CLETUS: You know what I think about this whole thing?

GRANDMA: Ain't nobody care what you think, you fat old grouch.

CLETUS: Old? You don't be talkin' about old! You so old when the good Lord said "Let there be light", you went looking for the lamp!

AXEL: [Bleep] it, Dad! You're in public! Stop calling Grandma names.

CLETUS: You ain't too big for me to put over my knee and whup you, boy.

MAMA: Cletus, be quiet. Nobody wants to hear your outbursts.

CLETUS: That weren't no outburst--that was an opinion! THIS is an outburst! [Before Cletus can express his "outburst" example, Yakko cuts him off]

YAKKO: Aahhhh, save the bodily function jokes for the next "Nutty Professor" sequel... [Zipping back to the stage]...and on that note--here to announce "Best Use of A Rude Body Noise in a FanFic", courtesy of the Histeria! time machine--Mr. Redd Foxx!

[The "Sanford and Son" theme plays, and FOXX enters from stage left. He has a cigarette in one hand and a shot glass of Scotch in the other.]

FOLEY: What the [bleep] [bleep]! Dead folks are getting the mike before me! It ain't [bleep]ing fair!

FOXX: I could lie in my grave a hundred years and I'd still be funnier than you, dummy.

FOLEY: Dummy? Ain't nobody calls me a [bleep] dummy and goes to bed happy! I oughta whup your wrinkly butt, old man!

FOXX [startles, grabs his heart]: Ohh! Oh, this is it! This the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey!

FOLEY: Aw, [bleep]! Aw, [bleep]ing [bleep]! I ain't mean it! I ain't gonna hurt you! Don't croak on me, old man! Please don't croak!

FOXX [Suddenly composed]: Okay...I won't. [takes card] And the nominees are--[squints]--I--I can't read this without my glasses.

FOLEY: Well, get your [bleep]ing glasses, [bleep]er!

[FOXX reaches into his suitcoat pocket, pulls out a pile of spectacles, and dumps them on the podium.]

FOLEY: [Long bleep] You trying to open up your own Lenscrafters, you old [bleep]?

FOXX [ignoring him, picking up glasses one by one and peering through them]: Naw, these is my driving glasses...Nope, these are for playing sports...Uh-uh...Oh, no, those are bifocals--give me a headache--ah! [finds pair he needs, reads card] And the nominees for Rude Body Noise are--

YAKKO: [Interrupting Foxx] *NOBODY*! This thing's *already* breakin' the "PG"-rated mark as it is with all the swearing...

FOXX: Awww...(blee)--- [Cut off as we see Doc Brown drive onto the stage in the DeLorean time machine; we see the sibs stuff Foxx into the passenger seat (with Foxx clutching his chest all the while), and Doc takes off...three sonic booms are soon heard outside of the theater.]

DOT: OK...the *next* award is: Stupidest Moment in a Fanfic Story! (Pauses) Boy, now *there's* a category ripe for nominations...

WAKKO: And presenting this award will be Central City’s super-fast protector...the *Flash*! Along with famed actress Halle Berry, and famed actor Nathan Lane!

[To a trumpet fanfare, we see a red streak blur towards the stage, and come to the stop...it's the Flash himself, drawn in S:TAS style...we also see walk out onto the stage calmly Halle Berry and Nathan Lane himself, as a certain D*sney song about "no worries" from a certain lion-themed film starts up, but is cut off by Wakko taking a mallet to a record player off-stage...]

WAKKO: Sorry... [Grins broadly]

FLASH: [Raising an eyebrow at the puppy-child] Oh-kaaay...lessee...I'm supposed to give an award for the "stupidest moment in a fan fiction story"...and I thought *I* had some stupid stuff happen to me alone! That dumb Christmas special with me teleporting myself through a wall thanks to the help of some flippin' *elf* was bad enough... (from off-stage, we hear Elfy yell, "HEY!")

HALLE BERRY: Don't forget that brief cameo I had in that currently-comatose "Lethal Intellect" thing...by the way, Mr. Brain, you still owe me parking ticket reimbursements for that dumb job... [Muttering] Preferably *soon*...

LANE: I don't even know *why* I'm here...apparently, the writer couldn't think of any other celebrity to throw in...

[Pan to Brainatra, out in the audience...he's put away the "Flash" comics]

BRAINATRA: True...hmm...wonder if that Bruce Vilanch guy's still available? Or even Mr. Director...

LANE: *MR. DIRECTOR*?! The guy who insisted on axing my proposed, multimillion-dollar, big-star remake of "My Dinner with Andre" because it had, in his "words", "too much of a plot, not enough of the action with the explosions and the dramaticness and things froinladen"?!? [Eyes narrow] Where is *he*?!

MR. DIRECTOR: [In the audience] [Zany] Uh...here I am not?

LANE: [Sternly] I'll see you *after* the show, Mr. "Director"...

FLASH: Anyway, our nominees for this category are:

[Pan over to Axel...]

AXEL: Uh...dunno if I'm eager to get (bleep)in' nominated for *this* one...

DOT: (VO) Craig, for "the Warners Meet the Simpletons"! [A clip of the post-apocalyptic, Sprungfield-destroying blast is shown, followed by a clip of Yakko remarking that "Sprungfield's safe", Wakko showing he has no belt, and of Burt Simpleton remarking about "room to expand the town."]

DOT: (VO) Brainatra, for "Radio Free Warners"! [A clip plays of the gang taking on a bizarre assortment of Washington, D.C.-based ninja-thugs...]

DOT: (VO) The entire writing crew, for "39 Characters"! [A clip plays of the characters discovering that "Kellner"'s really Baloney, "Kellner" explaining his stupid "evil scheme", and the way the characters were oh-so-contrivedly and easily captured by the villains]

DOT: (VO) Capt. Caps, for "Warner Academy"! [A clip plays of the Muppets showing up to accompany our heroes to D*sneyw*rld]

DOT: And the winner *is*.... [Reads the note] a *tie*?! Everyone, for "39 Characters", and *Craig*, for "Simpletons"! How about that...

[Everyone walks out onto the stage...the Warners hand the group award to Romey, and Craig his own award]

CRAIG: Hey, who'd think I'd win such an illustrious and crudely-made reproduction of Harley Quinn for creating a post-apocalyptic meltdown, huh?!

BRAINATRA: Certainly not *me*...c'mon, "space to expand the town"?! And we never got to see what happened to Gomer after he left the plant?!

CRAIG: Please...as if that dumb "two places at once" bit was any *better*? Or the fact that you ripped off that "villains kidnap the heroes in an oh-so-contrivedly easy way" bit in "39 Characters" from an old JLA story?

ROMEY: I dunno...having pro wrestlers show up and the *Muppets* seemed pretty stupid...

CAPT. CAPS: Oh, yeah? What about the idea of a bunch of *frogs* overrunning a post-apocalyptic future?! Or that bit with Sharklady making "Kellner" *Baloney*?!

SHARKLADY: Hey, it wasn't *that* bad! Or as bad as Brainatra mentioning the Flash's powers to death in that "Fastest Mice Alive" thing...I mean, how the heck do you "vibrate your molecular structure"?! That's *nonsense*! Though no more nonsensical than anything *else* we've seen tonight...like the notion of a Detroit cop bringing on armageddon... [From off-stage, Axel yells *HEY*!]

[The gang walk off-stage, still debating amongst themselves...cut to Axel...]

AXEL: I'm gettin' mighty (bleep)in' bored...can't we see somethin' *good* happen?!

[As if in answer to Axel's query, we pan over to the back of the stage...where we see hidden in shadows is none other than Moe Syzslak of the "Simpsons"...]

MOE: Blow up *my* bar along with half the town in that Warners....Simpsons...story...thing, will they? "Space to expand the town" my heiny! Well, those little *brats* are gonna be the ones to pay for tryin' to "gentrify" my neck of the woods! HA! (* - Moe’s bar got blown up along with half of Springfield in "The Warners Meet the Simpletons")

[Next to Moe, we see Mikey and Sheryl from "Radio Free Warners". Mikey is dressed in an Armani suit, and Sheryl is dressed up like Madonna in "Desperately Seeking Susan".]

Mikey: Amen ta that!

Sheryl: Yeah, scaring us off with a monster in a box, then having us pull a "Team Rocket"? What the (bleep) was that?* (* - as seen in "Radio Free Warners")

Mikey: I won't even get into the fact that we were (bleeped) over in the "Best Villain" category.

Moe: I've got the baseball bat!

Mikey: I've got the switchblade!

Sheryl: I've got my wild "Madonna-wannabe" clothes! Oh, and some bricks wrapped in barbed wire!

Moe, Mikey and Sheryl: Let's show 'em we mean business!

[Zip pan back to the stage. We see Wakko doing his "Great Wakkorotti" bit, much to the dismay of the audience.]

Moe: (Striding out) Hey, puppy kids! Remember us?

Wakko: (Cutting out the burping) What in the name of Dave Barry are you doing here?

Mikey: Eliminating you...whatevers for good!

Sheryl: (Tossing the bricks) Choke on these!

Yakko: Duck!

Dot: Duck!

Wakko: Goose!

[Yakko and his siblings gather in a huddle while ducking the weapons. They are talking. The huddle breaks.]

Yakko: Hold your fire! We're going to give you a special Harley!

Moe: Really? Hey, that's real sweet of you!

Dot: Yes! Come over here!

[Moe, Mikey and Sheryl walk over to a square on the stage floor. Suddenly, we hear rockets. The platform lifts off and flies into the air.]

Moe: What's going on here?!

Mikey: Oh, God! Why did this have to happen?!

Sheryl: (As they go through the roof) Hey, look at it this way! We're avoiding jail time!

[Pan back down from the ceiling to Yakko.]

Yakko: Little do they know about the police helicopters we've got over New Jersey! All right, now for a reward with fewer revenge-seeking bartenders....best romance!

Dot: Now there's an award with little drama, we all know which mice pair have a lock on this one.

Yakko: Actually they're not even nominated...and let me explain _before_ Billie and Romey-the-writer protest. Since those two have had so many "romantic" moments in so many stories, like Dot said, there would be no drama. So this is the best non-Billie and Pinky romance award to honor the other love teams in our stories.

Wakko: Yeah, those two have so many moments they should have their own catagory. And I bet we know which writer would be responsible for that. [Romey grins sheepishly in the audience]

Yakko: Hey, I'm the one that usually says that stuff!

Wakko: Oh...sorry! (Grins)

Dot: Anyway, the nominees are.... (shocked) Billie-2 and Pinky-2 for "Brain of Two Worlds?!" What the...

Yakko: My fault, I should have noted this. Since that version of Billie and Pinky are from another universe and have been in only one story, they can be nominated. But this should make you better, the next nominees are you and Axel for "Warner Academy"...

Dot: When you're right, you're right... (pausing) I *think*...

Axel: Oh [bleep], I get nominated for that?! Could this get any [bleeping] wor....ha, you're not getting me to finish that line and get [bleeping] pummeled, got ya there!

Wakko: [Ignoring Axel's minor victory] Hey look at this Dot, you and Max the Timecop are nominated for "Once and Future Warners"!

Dot: [More pleased looking] Ooh, this keeps getting better...

Yakko: The last two aren't you though, they're Brain and Diplo for "The Mousyville Horror" and Loud Kiddington and Charity Bazaar for that really serious story "Another 24 Hours" [View of Loud in the audience, Charity is now with him, and seated next to them is someone with recently cut hair, both facial and up top, a not entirely clear face, but with a smile and the trademark suit on]

Wakko: All right then, the winner is...hey have you guys noticed the last nominees seem to win these things? I mentioned this because it happened again, the winners are Loud and Charity for "Another 24 Hours"! Let's bring them up to accept this, along with the writer that brought them together, Robert!

[Loud and Charity, as well as the guy seated next to them, whom we should know now is Robert, come up. Dot doesn't look too happy, but then she perks up]

Dot: Oh well, I should have expected this. We're paroding the Oscars, and they usually pick stories like this to win awards, so why should we be different? Although accepting an award with that time-traveling badge wearing hunk would have been dreamy... (the Warners walk off)

Robert: Thank you Dot for noting that, and also thanks for not making any jokes about Loud here having a chance to use a microphone. Ahem, anyway it's a great honor to be up here tonight, and though many of you may criticize me for writing a story or two that was very serious, far from most of the stuff being honored, I say, heck, the WB made the mistakes on Histeria!, there's no rule saying I can't try my darndest to fix them, and this was my way of doing it.

Loud: Yep, he may have created a horrible nightmare of an adventure and had us face such evil madmen, but he also gave us, especially me more than anyone ever could, including the love of the other person up here with me. Though as seen through that first incident with Mr. Foley, yelling for me is a hard habit to break completly, the recovery has long since been under way.

Charity: I too have a lot to be thankful for. Before this as you know I was so unhappy, now thanks to Mr Dougherty's turn of events, I'm far from it. Coupled with the fact that my other friends haven't teased us about our relationship as much as I thought they would, well, to put a twist in my former catch phrase, I'm not unhappy.

Robert: Well said. To wrap this up, I personally would like to thank Gene Hackman for being such a great actor to choose for the voice of the mad Dr Burrows, Frank Welker for his terrific Peter Lorre voice I used for Vincent Morre, and Mr Lorre and Vincent Price for being such great impersinable actors to base on the thankfully deceased Mr Morre. May he and Gene not rest in peace. Thanks again, love{glances at the two kids}luck, to the writers for their upcoming insanity, and lollypops to...well, no one comes to mind now. But thanks!

[The three histerical award winners leave the stage and the Warners come back]

Yakko: At least with them, we were prepared for a not entirely funny speech.

Robert: (Calling out) No need to make fun, I can be as funny and satirical as anyone here! But this part is long enough, so let's just go on to the next award, please.

Yakko: Shouldn't we have gotten to say that?

[Cut to the backstage area, where LYDIA seems pleased.]

LYDIA: Well, I was pretty bothered by that Moe "Sleazebag" and his little buddies running about throwing bricks and cursing like sailors...but seeing that little boy and little girl in love really made up for that whole ugliness, plus that little spat between Mr. Foley and Mr. Foxx before. Maybe now we can settle down and be civil.

SAMMY MELMAN: Darn right, Lyds! That mushy romantic stuff sends our "Q" rating right through the stratosphere! [sppeaks into tape recorder] Note to self--more couples making kissy-face later in the show!

LYDIA [sarcastic]: You're a real Cyrano, Sam.

[Cut to DOT at podium.]

DOT: And now, courtesy once again of the Histeria! time machine, a couple of real French kisses--

YAKKO: Mwah! Good night, everybody!

Dot [ignoring her brother]: --Joan of Arc and Empress Josephine!

[Applause. Enter JOSEPHINE and JOAN from stage left.]

JOAN: Our next award, like, goes to Best Moment of Epiphany in a FanFic! [gasps] I have a friend named Epiphany! Is she in one of these marvy short stories?

[Cut to NAPOLEON in audience.]

NAPOLEON: Don't say "short"!

[Cut back to stage.]

JOAN: Oopsie! That's "Tiffany"! My bad!

JOSEPHINE [reads from card; speech slightly stilted]: An epiphany is a moment of great discovery or importance that profoundly alters one's life for better or worse. And the nominals--oops, that's a typo--the people getting the award are...the Siren for revealing the true identity of Melissa's parents in "Circle Closing In"!

[Shot of THE SIREN, seated near BRAIN and PINKY, offstage.]

JOAN: The second nominee is, like--ohmigosh, grody name!--Dr. Belch, for revealing, like, the true identity of a long-awaited savior in "Waiting for Go-boo"!

[The house lights look for DR. BELCH, but he isn't in. Cut to a shot of the building exterior, where COURTNEY COX and DR. BELCH are waiting in line at the theater's box office for tickets to Howard Stern's show.]

JOSEPHINE: The next nominee is The Siren, for revealing the existence of a Snowball heir in "Chaos of Characters".

[Shot of SIREN and SNOWFLAKE in the audience. SIREN waves politely, although SNOWFLAKE looks sulky and won't face the camera.]

JOAN: Like, okay--Kevin Mickel for revealing the "identity" of Buster Bunny's daddy in "What's in a Name?"!

[Shot of MICKEL seated next to BUSTER, who has crossed his fingers, toes, eyes, ears, and everything else crossable on a bunny body.]

JOSEPHINE: And finally one for Brainatra [Cut to shot of him in the audience, seated near Pinky], for revealing who was actually writing the crazy script for "Flintwarners" in--uh--[back to JOSEPHINE, fumbling through her cards, bewildered]--it cuts off. I think you have my card there, Joanie.

JOAN: It's, like, "Flintwarners", Josie! You just said it. D--uhh!

JOSEPHINE: Oh, yeah. [laughs] I got crepes for brains.

JOAN: And, okay! Like, the winner is, totally--*DR BELCH*!

[The audience murmurs, as they note that Doc isn't there anymore...zip pan to outside the Artemis Theater once more, where we see that he's now embroiled in an argument with Jay and Silent Bob of "Clerks"/"Suburbia" fame...zip pan back to the theater...]

JOAN: Well, I guess we'll mail it to 'em later... [Tosses the award off-stage, where we hear Sammy yell "*OW!*"]

[The two historical celebs leave the stage, and we see the Warners return...]

YAKKO: Whoo-eee, this thing's going on faster than a speeding bullet! And speaking of the need for speed, here's our next awards presenter---SPEEDY GONZALES!

[Cut to Superman...]

SUPERMAN: [Raising an eyebrow] They used my "faster than a speeding bullet" catchphrase for a superspeed-possessing *mouse*?! (Sighs) Oh, well...

[We hear a brief rendition of the "Mexican Hat Dance" play, as Speedy races to the stage, and up to the microphone...]

SPEEDY: Hola, everyone! I'm really glad to be here and see all my friends win all these awards...but now, the next award is for a very special category: "Best Historical Fanfic"!

[Cut back to Axel Foley once more...]

AXEL: [Staccato laugh] I've *gotta* win this one! No (bleep)in' way I'm gonna lose now...

LOUD: Yeah, right...

AXEL: Hey! I can't imagine anyone else who deserve an award more than *I* do!

LOUD: Um...how about---THEM?! [Points to several seats down from them, where we see Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois are seated.]

AXEL: Please...

[Cut back to Speedy...]

SPEEDY: (VO) The nominees are: "Motown Mice", starring Pinky, Billie, Brain, and the 5-year-old Axel Foley in 1966...

(A clip plays of Billie singing "I Heard It Through the Phone Line")

SPEEDY: (VO) ..."Brain's Mission For President Reagan", starring Pinky, Billie, Brain and the Man of Steel years ago...

(A clip plays of Superboy and the mice chowing down on jelly beans given by the President...)

SPEEDY: (VO) "The Once and Future Warners", starring the Warners *and* Axel Foley---*again*?!

(A clip plays of Axel and the Warners fighting each other in 2015...)

SPEEDY: (VO) And finally, "Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain", starring the lab mice *again*, that Wally Faust fellow, and the Histeria gang...

(A clip plays of the Histerians fighting the Omenex across time and space...)

SPEEDY: And the winner is... [Opens the envelope] *YEE-HA*! "Motown Mice"!

AXEL: (BLEEP)! I've finally *WON*! [Jumps out of his seat and waves his fists over his head, with Loud and Charity looking at him oddly] *YEAH*! WOO-HOO!

SPEEDY: Uh...wait, Se–or, I'm not finished...the *specific* winners of this award are Brainatra, the lab mice fellows, *and* the 1966 Detroit Citywide Gospel Singoff Champions!

[Said group walk out onto the stage, including the now-aged-34-years choir...]

BILLIE: [Accepting the award] Thank you, for this great award! While I wish my bad fashion choices hadn't ruined our chances here at the Artemis Theater all those years ago, I do wish to say that this theater's seen much in the way of *other* great musical acts, such as---

AXEL: [Walking out onto the stage] Hold the (bleep)in' phone! Why the (bleep) do you (bleep)s deserve this award, and *I* don't?! I was in that (bleep) story, too! It's so (bleep)in' unfair!

[A man with a deep voice walks out from the choir group]

MAN: Good *lord*, it's been quite awhile since *we've* seen *you* at church, little Axel...

AXEL: Uh...[Quietly] Reverend Smith?

REV. SMITH: Yes, it's me, Axel...now, I'm sure you were meaning to say something about our winning this award? We were merely spreading the joy of singing with millions of other people, that's all...but if *you* wish to protest...

AXEL: Uh....[Sees a bright light shine on the entire church choir...pan up to see that it's Wakko shining a penlight on them...] Oh, (ble)---[Cuts it off as he sees the reverend glancing at him] ---shoot. Uh...sorry I said anything... [Shuffles back to his seat] [To Loud] Not *one* word...

[Loud stifles a giggle...]

BILLIE: And now, we'd like to sing you all a very special song...to pad out this thing. Hit it!

[The choir begins to break out into a song, namely "I Heard It Through the Phone Line"...we see Billie whip out a mouse-sized microphone from out of nowhere, and begin singing along...the boys merely stand there, Brain looking a bit annoyed. Pan to the back of the Artemis Theater, where we see approaching, clothes slightly torn, are Mikey, Sheryl, and Moe...]

MOE: Try to get rid of *us*, will they? Good thing I have a few ties with Chief Wiggum...

MIKEY: What ties? You just slipped him a pass for a month's free supply of Duff!

MOE: Hey, I have my ways...now, let's take care of those Warner...things...for *good*!

[Cut to the stage, where Billie and the choir have finished their set; the chorus, as well as the mice, leave the stage...]

YAKKO: Now, we've seen all sorts of things go on tonight! Gratuitous celebrity cameos, attempts on our life, and Axel losing at everything he's been nominated for!

DOT: We hear his anger, his pain, his torment...


WAKKO: Anyway, we have a special award coming up, and here to present it are Billie, late-80s pop singer...

YAKKO and DOT: Another one?

WAKKO: Ahem! Um, where was I? Oh, yeah! Billie, late-80s pop singer Paula Abdul, and James Gandolfini, star of the breakout HBO smash "The Sopranos"!

[Paula and James walk out on stage. Paula is dressed up in the clothing she wore in the music video for "Straight Up". Billie hops out onto the podium.]

BILLIE: Once in a great while, there comes a person who can change your life forever.

PAULA: That person can take you to ever-dizzying heights of adventure...

JAMES: And then make your life a living...

BRAINATRA: (V.O.) Don't say it! ...this thing’s already approaching an "R" rating as it is... (Glares at Axel Foley, who grin broadly)

JAMES: Uh...*heck*! Make your life a living *heck*!

BRAINATRA: (V.O.) That's better!

BILLIE: The name of this award is the "Brian Cruz Lifetime Achievement Award".

PAULA: Named after one of the founding members of Toonzone.

JAMES: We're pulling for you, Brian!

PAULA: The first recipient of this award is a man of boundless energy...

JAMES: Boundless attitude...

BILLIE: And boundless vulgarity!

PAULA: He was set on fire...

SHARKLADY: [Flatly, with her arms crossed] *Don't remind us*...

JAMES: He nearly brought on the apocalypse...

WARNERS: [Flatly, with their arms crossed] *Don't remind us*...

BILLIE: And he's been a loser tonight...

YAKKO: Just *tonight*? [The speakers glare at him] Sorry...

BILLIE: [Continuing] Anyway, he's been a loser all *evening*---until now! The first "Brian Cruz Lifetime Achievement Award" goes to...


AXEL: Holy (bleeping) (bleep)! I don't (bleeping) believe it!

[AXEL runs to the stage to the strains of "Axel F" (the "Beverly Hills Cop" Theme). Everybody in the audience stands up and applauds...well, almost everybody.]

PINKY: Should we clap for him, Brain?

BRAIN: He purportedly nearly ruined the future, he took our adventures into the realm of an "R" rating, and he can be rather nasty, but against my better judgement...eh, why not?

[BRAIN and PINKY hop up on Sharklady's shoulders and applaud. AXEL steps to the podium.]

AXEL: Yes! Justice is (bleeping) mine! Wow, who woulda (bleeping) thought that a Detroit cop could go crooked, go (bleeping) insane, go off the deep end of vulgarity, and still be treated like a (bleeping) hero? I would like to thank my parents, and my grandma in the audience! I (bleeping) love you guys!

[Cut to Axel's parents in the audience...]

AXEL'S MAMA: Oh, isn't that sweet?

CLETUS: I oughta take that boy over my knee and give him a good whupping!

GRANDMA: Oh, shut up, old man, and let him enjoy his moment in the sun!

CLETUS: Who're you callin' old, Methuselah?

[Cut back to the stage.]

AXEL: You know what? I don't (bleeping) care about my family's (bleeping) arguing! This is my (bleeping) night. Thanks to all the (bleeps) on the (bleeping) Story Board for turning me from a hero to a (bleeping) villain and back again, and a special thanks to Captain Caps for writing my first words in a fan-fiction. You're a swell (bleeping) guy, you know that?

[Cut to Captain Caps, in the audience. He cuts off his chat with Pretty Poison lead singer Jade Starling to yell out a thank you to Axel.]

JADE: You brought Axel into Warner Brothers fanfic stories?


DAVID SPADE: (Turning back from his seat) Thank God he hasn't noticed me! After I insulted him on "Saturday Night Live", he never wants to return to SNL again as long as he lives!

BRAINATRA: I, myself, haven't enjoyed anything on "SNL" since "Wayne's World"!

MIKE MYERS: (Popping up out of nowhere, and talking to Captain Caps) Same here! Wayne should've been used instead of Austin Powers in HYAWLC. Captain Caps, what were you thinking?

DAVID HYDE PIERCE: (Turning from his seat) Same thing here. I've worked for D*sney, before. Would you have Slappy toss dynamite into my pants if it were me instead of Axel?

STEVE WHITMIRE: (Turning around) And what about using the Muppets?

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: Or putting me into "Warner Academy" when you knew that everyone on the board hates wrestling?

CAPTAIN CAPS: Oh, God! Let's just talk about this after the show! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Axel, long having left the stage, laughs at him.]

AXEL: (Bleeping) 80s lover!

[The rest of the audience starts laughing at Caps, and insulting him. Caps then snaps out of his sleep, and Axel is still having his speech.]

CAPTAIN CAPS: Oh, God, he's been going on forever! That's the last time I eat 3 slices of pepperoni pizza before deciding to take a nap...

[Back to the stage, where Axel's still going on...]

AXEL: And I want to thank Mr. Peterson, for that "C+" in fifth grade English, and my dry cleaner, and... (clearly running out of people to thank)...uh, that woman who modelled the clay figure for my voice in "The P.J.’s", uh...the entire nation of Portugal, where I went on vacation 15 years ago, er...ah...and most of all...


AXEL: I'd like to thank...er...ah...

WARNERS: *Come onnnnn*....

AXEL: [Flatly] Oh, all *right*...*you* crazy (bleep)s! Even though you've driven me crazy in the past, you're OK, I guess...

[The Warners jump into Axel's arms, and give him a large comedic kiss...Axel drops them, and spits to the floor...]

AXEL: Ack! That's it, I'm *done*, people! Uh...don't forget to watch my new film, "Nutty Professor II:The Klumps"! I'm *out*! Later!

[Axel walks off-stage, with his theme music playing and the audience applauding...he heads back to his seat, and sits back down next to Loud.]

AXEL: Ha! How'd ya like *dem* apples? Amazin', ain't it...an ordinary comedian/Detroit police detective can go from investigatin' illegal Beanie Babies to nearly screwing up the future outta insane revenge, to goin' back to a good guy, *and* get this (bleep)in' award! Isn't America *great*?!

LOUD: Um...whatever. [To Charity] Uh...when did *he* get ahold of a time machine?!

CHARITY: Ask Father Time about it...though you probably don't even want to *know* about that incident...

[Cut back to the stage...]

YAKKO: Welllll, since we've broken tonight's Susan Lucci-esque streak of not giving Axel Foley his own award, let's move on to the *next* category...which'd be...aaaahhh...[Looks at his cue card] "Most Amusing Fast Food Stop"! To present this award, here's Melissa Lamsen of "Circle Closing In", *and*...Melissa Lamsen from "Brain of Two Worlds"...[Does a bit of a double take] What th---?!

[Walking out onto the stage are "our" youthful Melissa Lamsen, along with her middle-aged, otherworldly doppelganger from "Brain of Two Worlds"...]

MELISSA: I'd like to thank you all for inviting me..er, us...er, you know...here tonight! I've been meaning to take a tour of the Artemis Theater for awhile, but never got the chance...

MELISSA-2: And *I'd* like to say that this is the *most* bizarre thing that's *ever* happened to me...crossing dimensional boundaries just to give a cheesy *award*?! For of all things, stopping off at M*ckey Dee's... (Notices the bleeped out word noise, and sighs)...anyway, I guess that's not important now...here's the nominations:

MELISSA: (VO) The Warners in "Package Deal"... (we see the Warners pull that lame "two places at once" gag at McDonald's)

MELISSA-2: (VO) The Animaniacs gang for "Warner Academy" (we see play a scene with Brain eating a garden salad, and looking annoyed by Pinky's choice of non-Burger King cuisine)

MELISSA: (VO) A massive number of characters for "Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas"... (we see a clip of Brain screaming at the sight of a McDonald's in of all places, the Arctic, and of Foamy moaning afterwards over the choice of meal...)

MELISSA-2: (VO) The Brain, Billie, Pinky, and Superman...the ones indigenous to *this* Earth, I guess...for "Brain of Two Worlds"...(a clip plays of these heroes eating at a McDonald's in the New York City of the parallel world alpahnumerically dubbed "Earth-2"...)

MELISSA: And *finally*, uh..."Radio Free Warners"... (we see a clip of the gang standing around at a McD's in Indianapolis, with Slappy noting that all the good/bad McD's gags got used up long ago and Wakko [to Sharklady's dismay] blowing up some guy in an Indianapolis Colts sweatshirt without proper provocation...)

MELISSA-2: Geez, you guys eat a lot of fast food...don't you know that that's not very healthy? Maybe you should eat more vegetables, or bring food from home on your adventures, or something! Better yet, there’s this great vegetarian restaurant in midtown Manhattan that’s...that’s... [We see Lydia glare at this alternate-Melissa sternly, waving a placard showing that McDonald's is one of the sponsors] *Sigh*...never mind...anyway, the winner is: another *tie*..."Wakko Little Christmas", and "Warner Academy"! Here to accept this award will be Craig *and* Brainatra...

[The two writers walk out onto the stage...]

CRAIG: Thanks! Another neat-looking doorstop! [The two Melissas glare at him oddly] Er, I mean, "illustrious trophy case fodder"...er, I *mean* to say...

BRAINATRA: ...um...that we're glad to see this amusing running gag get turned into an award! Say, Craig...what *did* Foamy do with all that money he sued the Arctic McDonald's for?

CRAIG: Sadly, Foamy wastefully frittered it away on...(sighs) ...*day trading*. Who'd have thought the addictive allure of the internet would make someone as noble as *he* succumb... [Shakes his head sadly]

BRAINATRA: Um...yeah. C'mon...let's get a burger at Mc---uh...how about some *pizza* instead?!

CRAIG: Fine... [The two bid so long to the Melissas, and walk off-stage...]

[Back stage, while the audience applauds, we see Moe, Mike, and Sheryl, plotting out their revenge inside of a broom closet with an overhead light on...they're listening to this award ceremony over a speaker...]

MIKE: OK, what's the plan, Moe?

MOE: Remember that flippin’ CGI pinball machine thingamajig from that "Catty...Cornered...Rigatoni...Vermin-Hating...Big Exterminator...Show....Tunes...Thing?"

SHERYL: Yeah...

MOE: Well, I thought I'd turn the tide *against* those Warner brats! I'm gonna borrow that stupid clip show's pinball machine set from those two paper-cutout-lookin' kids, and I'm gonna subject those three brats to a cheaply-produced introduction experience they won't forget! Ha! Oh, I'm so crafty...

[Cut back to the stage...we see the two Melissas leave the stage...]

MELISSA: Um...want to go get something to eat after the show?

MELISSA-2: Sure, why not? Let me guess...chef's salads with thousand island light dressing?

MELISSA: [Smirks] How'd you guess?

[Back to the stage...]

YAKKO: Ok, let's see...next, is...

DOT: The longest fanfic!

WAKKO: Over the course of the years-

YAKKO: (Interrupting him) Let's cut out the exposition, and get to the award! Here to present the Harley in this category is legendary guitarist Eric Clapton, "Family Ties" star Justine Bateman, and our old friend Dr. Scratchansniff!

[Eric, Justine and Scratchy walk on stage.]

ERIC: I've gotten the news that we can't do the usual pre-awards patter.

JUSTINE: I heard. Apparently, the WB affiliates are worried about this show running into overtime and interrupting their darn "Frasier" reruns.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer in the audience.]

KELSEY: What's wrong with "Frasier" reruns? They're witty, charming...

CAPTAIN CAPS: Obsessively dwelled on by this mentally-challenged Jehovah's Witness I knew who also loved Marilyn Manson...

KELSEY: Shut up!

[Cut back to the stage. The Warners give bizarre looks at this exhange...]

SCRATCHY: Let's just announce the nominees! They are..."Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"...

JUSTINE: "39 Characters In Search Of A Plot"...

ERIC: "The Fastest Mice Alive"...

SCRATCHY: "Warner Academy"...

JUSTINE: And "Mouse In The Mirror".

ERIC: And the winner is...Surprise, surprise, surprise, it's another tie! The winners are "HYAWLC" and "FMA".

[Beepbeep, Brainatra, Captain Caps, Craig and Romey walk on stage. Brainatra takes the "HYAWLC" statue, and beepbeep takes the "FMA" award.]

Brainatra: We don't know what else to say, except thank you!

Captain Caps: If "Animaniacs" and "Pinky and The Brain" were still on the air instead of that "Cat-And-Bunny-Give-Me-Money-Stupid-Corny-Me-So-(Bleep)y Show", and they made our fanfics into actual episodes, there would be no room for "P*kemon"!

Romey: Ha! If only!

Craig: Face it, the "Silver Age" of WB animation's over...

Captain Caps: And now, we'll sing a song about that sad situation as we exit the stage...."King of Wishful Thinking", by Go West!

Brainatra: *I* don't think so... especially since I've never heard of 'em... [Walks off stage and exits, to go rent a U-Haul for all these awards] [Muttering] *Bruce Springsteen*...*Michael Jackson*... *Luther Vandross*...

[As Brainatra exits the stage, the others shrug, and begin to sing.]

Craig, Romey, Captain Caps and beepbeep: (Singing Go West's "King Of Wishful Thinking") I'll get over you/ I know I will/ I'll pretend my ship's not sinking/ I'll tell myself/ I'm over you/ 'Cause I'm the King Of Wishful Thinking!

Justine: Well, that was pointless!

Eric: That reminds me! The "Overused Line/Gag" award is next up, and here to present the award are...one celebrity and an "A!" character yet to be determined.

Justine: We're out!

[As Justine, Eric, the writers, and Scratchy exit the stage, we hear them speaking.]

Eric: Let's get dinner!

Scratchy: I know a place that serves killer spatzele!

[The Warners take the stage once more...]

DOT: Here to present the "most overused line/gag" award are: Slappy Squirrel and *Patrick Stewart*!

[The audience murmurs amongst themselves, as they see Slappy Squirrel and Stewart walk out to the stage...we hear a snippet of the ST:TNG theme play in the background...]

SLAPPY: Heh...ah, the ol’ Artemis Theater...I remember bein’ upstage here years ago...it feels really good ta be playing here again...of course, at my age, it feels good to *wake up* in the morning...

[The audience is silent. Crickets can be heard]

PATRICK: Um...allow me, madame. *Ahem*...for the past year, we've seen certain..."elements"..."lines", if you will, repeated to death in these stories...

PINKY: [From off-screen] Like that "two places at once" bit? *WAHAHAHA*!

[Sound of Brain whapping him on the head]

PATRICK: *Yes*, exactly... as well as its equally tiresome analogue, "right behind 'em". [Shudders] At any rate, *here* are the nominees for this category...

SLAPPY: (VO) The Warners and Brainatra, for that stupid flippin' "two places at once" bit... (A clip of this gag being pulled on Axel in WA plays)

PATRICK: (VO) The Warners and Craig, for "right behind 'em"... (A clip plays of the Warners sneaking up right behind Plotzie in "Package Deal")

SLAPPY: (VO) Dot and Brainatra, for the line "that was pointless"... (we see a clip of Dot [from any random story] saying "that was pointless")

PATRICK: (VO) All the writers, for the use of "ninja thugs"... (we see a clip from a random story of the heroes facing down ninja-thugs)

SLAPPY: (VO) And finally, *all* those flippin' stupid "shadow-ensconsed villains" those writers came up with... (A montage of clips of shadow-ensconsed villains plays...) Sheesh...bunch of hacks.

PATRICK: And the winner *is*... [Opens his envelope] Hmm...another *tie*! The entire writing staff for the "shadow-ensconsed villains", and Brainatra, for the "two places at once" bit!

[The audience applauds, as they see the writers claim yet another award...we see Yakko and Wakko looking pleased by this, but Dot looks a bit annoyed.]

CRAIG: Shadow ensconsed villains...what can I say? They're tradition! Uh...that, and I guess I'll say something about thanking mom and dad, too...

BRAINATRA: [Holding the U-Haul rental recepits] Thanks again! Uh...even though it's been done a gazillion times to death, I still think that dumb gag's pretty funny...heh, heh...two places at once...say, maybe rerunning a montage of really funny moments with those gags is in order---

YAKKO: [Shoves Brainatra and the rest of the writers off the stage] Um, yeah, er, real funny but, aaaah....no time. We'll be right back, after these messages from *McDonald's™*!

[The commercials begin to play, as the Warners head backstage for a 5-minute break...however, back stage, we see that Moe, with Mikey and Sheryl, is shaking hands with Karen and Kirby of TBCS fame...]

MOE: Thanks, guys! This computerized pinball set's just what we need to get back at those Warners!

KAREN: No problemo...uh...you *do* have the money, right?

MOE: Uh...yeah...[Pauses, then nudges Mikey and Sheryl. They whip out their wallets/purse, and fork over some money to the two kids]

KIRBY: Oh, *goody*! Now I can afford to buy a *medium*-sized Coke at the movies!

C'mon! [The two exit...]

MIKEY: I hope this plan of yours works, Moe...

MOE: Don't worry...this one *can't* fail! Ha!

[Backstage in the Warners’ dressing room, Yakko and Wakko are munching on buffalo wings, while Dot is applying make-up. Wakko dumps an entire bottle of hot sauce on his, eats his entire bucket whole (including the container), and does that "breathe flame" bit. He runs to a sink, and gulps down a huge amount of water. He walks back to his sibs, feeling much relieved...]

Yakko: *Brudder*, what a night!

Wakko: The heck of it is is that we aren't even done with this ceremony yet!

Dot: Enjoy this break, guys!

Moe: (V.O.) Yeah, it may be the last one you ever have!

Yakko: Who said *that*?!

[Suddenly, the walls to the dressing room break down, and the Warners find themselves trapped in the BCS' CGI-generated pinball machine.]

Yakko: In the words of Yogi Berra...it's deja vu all over again!

Wakko: Only this time, *we're* the targets!

[The Warners gulp]

[We hear the BCS theme in the background, mixed in with Orff's "Carmina Burana". Gigantic pinballs start whizzing across the "board". The Warners are dodging the projectiles, racing all around the pinball set at top speed. At one point, Wakko does a "Matrix" spoof, dodging a pinball by freezing himself and the pinball in still motion...we do a 180-degree rotation around the pinball and frozen Warner, and Wakko moves out of the way in time for the pinball to resume its crazed path of high-scoring destruction, with the music changing to that fast-paced jazzy chase music from A!’s "Toy Shop Terror". However, the Warners' attempts to dodge the pinballs aren't good enough...we see the Warners, backed into a corner, are staring at a gigantic pinball moving in on them...they gulp.]

Yakko: Well, sibs, looks like those WB execs are gonna get what they've always wanted! This is the end! I love you guys!

[Just as the ball is ready to roll them flat, it's suddenly deflected away from the sibs, and goes crashing through the "machine"'s ceiling.]

Yakko: What? Who did that?!

[Suddenly, 5 very familiar people step out from behind a rail bumper, holding crow bars and carrying a tool box...we see that a control panel's exposed, showing they've rewired the machine's controls.]

Alex: Hey, guys! Remember us?

Yakko: It's Alex! And Carrie's with him!

Wakko: So are Rico, Dre and Whitey!

Dot: Whitey, why is your gang affiliated with Alex and Carrie?

Whitey: I'll tell ya! We've quit being gang members, and now we're employees of Alex!

Alex: Indeed! Dre over there...

Dre: Yo! What up?

Alex: He's a gofer!

Yakko: When's he gonna start dancing to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright"?

Alex: Not a gopher...A gofer! He runs errands for production! And Rico...

Rico: Hey, man, sorry about slashing your bus tires in that Christmas story...

Yakko: Think nothing of it! We just want to thank you for saving us from being turned into CGI-induced roadkill...

Rico: You're welcome...by the way, I'm working on composing music for Alex's first film!

Carrie: As for me, I've gotten hitched to Alex, and we're expecting our first child in December!

Yakko: Congratulations! Say, do you want to watch the rest of the awards?

Alex: Sure!

Yakko: Our break is just about over! You're all in the front row! Come on, we've got a show to put on! We'll even introduce you to the audience!

[The group exits the set through the hole that the ball made. Cut to Mike, Sheryl and Moe.]

Sheryl: This one can't fail, huh?

Mike: What a (bleeping) joke!

Moe: It *should've* worked! Lousy cruddy piece of *junk*! [Begins kicking at the machine's sides; it comes apart with one blow] Stupid piece of crud...dumb, cheaply-made-in-China thingamajig...oooh, chokin' on my own rage here. Okay, so this plan failed! I've got another one that'll knock their socks off! [Glances at the machine's ruins] Hope those kids saved their receipts on this thing...

SHERYL: Say, y'all, what happened to that pinball they flung out of the"machine"?

MOE: Beats me...

[Zip pan to the outside of the building, where we see Karen and Kirby are trying to buy advance tickets for "Diane Russ and the Sublimes' Reunion Tour* (*- None of the original members except for Diane included)"...however, they look up, and see the giant pinball is heading towards them. Their construction paper-like eyes bulge out a bit, as the pinball lands and begins rolling after the two. The kids run down the street, with Kirby moaning "This is really *bent*"...]

[Cut back to the Warners, heading back to the stage after leaving Alex, Carrie, and the gang in the audience...]

WAKKO: Um...Yakko?


WAKKO: I have one really, really, really, *reeeally* important question to ask...*PLEEEZE*?!?

YAKKO: Aaaaah, OK, shoot...

WAKKO: Why were we eating buffalo wings backstage?

YAKKO: Because we're all sick of eating food from a certain fast-food-restaurant sponsor of ours who shall remain nameless...plus, it was sort of funny...

WAKKO: *Ohhhh*...

DOT: Only one guess *who* pulled that BCS pinball stunt on us, guys...

WAKKO: Um...Regis Philbin?

DOT: (Sighs) Never mind...

[The Warners arrive on the stage]

DOT: Well, we're pleased to be back, everyone! Especially after that attempt on our lives backstage...

[The audience murmurs...we pan over to Axel, who says, "don't look at *me*"...]

YAKKO: Anyway, let's continue...our *next* fanfic story category is: "Most Humiliating, Embarassing, Uncharacteristic, or Demeaning Moment In a Fanfic Story"...

DOT: Oooh, and giving this illustrious award is: Denzel Washington!

[Denzel walks onto the stage, with the music from "The Preacher's Wife" playing in the background...we see him walk up to the microphone, but is instantly startled to see that Dot's leaped into his arms...]

DENZEL: Um...miss?

DOT: Please say we'll be together! PLEASE?!

[Pan back to Axel...]

AXEL: Look at her...isn't that disgustin'?

LOUD: Not as disgusting as the fact she treated *you* that way in "Warner Academy"...

AXEL: Anyway, what's *he* got that I haven't got?

LOUD: Let's see...uh...better looks, more popularity with women, a more pleasant personality, better acting roles, uh...did I mention more appealing to women?

AXEL: Yeah, yeah, but he still isn't the *main man* here...

LOUD: [Loudly] NO, BUT HE IS!

[Pan over to see that Lobo (in S:TAS style) is seated in front of the two...]

LOBO: [Annoyed] What's this someone's sayin' about the "main man"?

AXEL: [Nervously] Uh...nothing!

LOBO: Oh...what I *thought*...

[Back to the stage...Dot's still going beserk...]

DENZEL: OK, OK...um...what say I give you an autograph later on? [Kisses Dot on the forehead; she instantly melts into a puddle of goo...]

Y&W: Eeewwww!

[Dot reforms herself, and floats off-stage...Denzel looks a bit surprised by all this, but continues reading...]

DENZEL: Anyway, um...the nominees *are*:

DENZEL: (VO) Brain, in "Circle Closing In"... [We see Brain's wearing a ribbon around his neck in a clip from this story...Pinky and Melissa note how adorable he is...]

[Cut back to the audience, where Brain looks grossly embarassed by this...]

DENZEL: (VO) Yakko, for the unedited version of "Warner Academy"... [We see Yakko run over a Donald Duck-costumed guy at D*sneyw*rld, followed by riding a motorcycle onto a monorail ride...]

[Cut back to see that Yakko looks grossly embarrassed, while his siblings giggle]

DENZEL: (VO) Everyone, for "39 Characters" as a whole... [We see a clip play of Slappy and the gang stuffed into stasis chambers as prisoners, as well as stuffed inside of Pokemon characters...]

[Cut back to see that Slappy looks rather livid at this memory, as does Brain...]

DENZEL: (VO) Wakko, for the unedited version of "Package Deal"... [We see a clip play of part of Wakko's infamous "coffee spree"...]

[Cut back to see Wakko's now embarrassed, with Yakko and Dot giggling...]

DENZEL: (VO) And finally, Billie, for an unfinished, dead chainlink story by Dr. Belch... [We see a clip play mentioning Billie's "waitress" career and its "details", but is cut off with a "technical difficulties" banner displayed]

[Cut back to the audience to see that Billie looks quite livid...]

BILLIE: [Irate] That never happened to me! Dr. Belch and I are going to have a little "talk" later on about that now-no-longer-existent-story...

BRAIN: I wish I could say the *same* for that Pokemon incident...

DENZEL: And the winner is...[Reads the envelope] Everyone, for "39 Characters"!

WAKKO: Aww...that should've been *mine*! [Pauses] Wait---what am I *SAYING*?!?

[We see Slappy come out on stage to accept the award...]

SLAPPY: [Annoyed] Ah, gotta agree with the decision for this award...y'know, seein' that clip again brought back a lot of memories...all *bad*. Lousy hack writers...stuffin' us in stasis cells for half the story, then stickin' us inside of a monster dog, and *then* those insipid "Pokemon" characters!! AAAAH!

YAKKO: Take it easy, Slappy...uh...here, have this! [Yakko hands her a portable TV playing "World's Most Idiotic Car Explosions"]

SLAPPY: Uh...[Looks at the screen] Ooooh, that SUV got what *it* deserved! Talk about "rollover"! Heh... [Walks off the stage, with the award and TV in hand...]

[Cut to the backstage area, with the usual clutter of sandbags and people. DR. BELCH, who has returned to the theater, is seated by the back door, next to a pile of cheeseburger wrappers and an empty six-pack of root beer, chugging the last one and talking to SUPERMAN.]

DR BELCH [pounds chest, belches]: So let me ask you, Supes--I know you're the Man of Steel and all that, and bullets don't hurt you--but what if, like, you got kicked below the old super-belt? I don't care how invulnerable you are--that'd hurt! Am I right?

SUPERMAN [uncomfortably]: Um--say, was that Lois calling me to--uh--adjust her corsage? Ye--eah. Pardon me. [exeunts]

[DR. BELCH snorts with irritation.]

SAMMY MELMAN [comes up and smacks DR. BELCH on the back]: Hey, Belchmeister! We missed you when they called the "Epiphany" award! Where's that little dreamsicle Courtney, eh?

DR. BELCH: Ditched her at Howard Stern's show. What a twit. Whiny, insecure, jealous, prima donna type. Reminds me too much of my ex.

SAMMY MELMAN: I hear you, man. I have a wife and two mistresses myself. [laughs] Say, let me introduce you to a couple of hotties. Meet the Maid of Orleans and The Little Emperor's main squeeze. [enter JOAN OF ARC and EMPRESS JOSEPHINE.]

DR. BELCH: Hellooooooo, French nurses! [JOAN and JOSEPHINE giggle.] Joan--you look hot.

JOAN: Chaa! That's just what the English said when they lit the kindling at my feet.

[Cue rimshot noise]

DR. BELCH: And I love your perfume. [sniff sniff] Eau de Flambeau, perhaps?

[JOAN and JOSEPHINE giggle again]

JOSEPHINE: Hey, what about me? This is my best dress. [does a three-sixty turn and poses coquettishly] I soak myself down with water constantly to make it hug my figure real tight. Nappy says I'll die of pneumonia if I keep wearing wet clothes. [looks pensive] Actually, he's right. That *is* what killed me. [Text on screen: "Pointless historical trivia moment!" ]

DR. BELCH: You look spiffy, Jo. Tell you what--you and Joanie come by my place tonight about seven. Sigmund Freud and D.H. Lawrence and I are going to discuss my theory on Lady Chatterly's complex. Ziggy might make it a chapter in his new book.

JOAN: Mon dieu! Sounds like a rave idea! Chaa! Wouldn't miss it!

JOSEPHINE: Like Nappy always says, "Wouldn't miss it for the world". I'm coming to your shindig too!

DR. BELCH: Crackerjack.

SAMMY: Better find your seat, Belcherino. Dottie's announcing the next award.

DR. BELCH: You're right. I asked Nostradamus to hold my chair over an hour ago. [stands up; stomach gurgles] Whoops. First things first. Where's the can?

SAMMY: Lobby. Next to the popcorn machine, just past the storeroom where they keep the combustible cleaning fluids, ropes for making fuses, and the extra gunpowder we use in Histeria's war re-enactments.

[A beady-eyed shadow is listening from nearby. It's MOE SYZSLAK, grinning broadly and exposing a mouthful of rotten yellow teeth.]

DR. BELCH: Gracias. Adios. [exeunts.]

[We cut to Moe and his stalwart assistants; Moe’s telling them about the explosives stash he’s found.]

MOE: OK, now listen, guys. I've got the bombs here... [Romey walks by, on his way to the exit.]

ROMEY: We don't need 'em...we've got enough bombs in the fanfic continuum as it is... [He storms out, muttering something about having better things to do than watch all the writers being lauded for the exact things he dislikes most in the stories... Moe shrugs.]

MOE: Anyhow...now, here's my brilliant plan...I want you two to go on up to that stage, and rig it with explosives.

MIKEY: Eeerrrr...that's the "brilliant plan"?

MOE: Hey, hey, smart guy! You got any better idea what we're gonna do with two tons of explosives?!

[Mikey & Sheryl shrug at each other, and start picking up the bombs.]

[Cutting back to the stage once more...]

Yakko: We have another special award on tap.

Wakko: Although the great majority of the fanfics on The Story Board have consisted of our adventures post-being-kicked-off-the-WB-lineup, we had a great contribution based on another WB animated series...

Yakko: "Waynehead"?

Dot: (Flatly) Ha-Ha!

Wakko: I'm talking about the show that was our stylistic forebear...

Dot: Shows featuring "Looney Tunes" and "Merrie Melodies"?

Wakko: Forget it, let's just bring out the presenters. Here to present this special award are John Cleese, Stevie Wonder, and Jay and Silent Bob from Kevin Smith's movies.

[The group walks out onstage.]

John: (Speaking in his normal voice, and not the impression used in WB cartoons) Good evening! Long before "Animaniacs", "Pinky & The Brain" or "Freakazoid!" were a glimmer in the eyes of WB creative talent, there was "Tiny Toon Adventures"!

Stevie: This was the show that brought Steven Spielberg to the world of animation.

Jay: Unless you count "An American Tail", "The Land Before Time" or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"! Man, those first two movies bite!

Silent Bob: Yeah, but "Roger Rabbit" was cool!

Jay: Quiet...*I'm* the talkative one here!

Silent Bob: [Doesn't say anything, but looks at the floor with a bit of a dejected look on his face]

John: Anyway, the important thing right now is that we hand out this award before the reruns of "Saved By The Bell" come on at 7:00 AM on your local WB affiliate.

Stevie: The First "Founder's Achievement" Harley goes to...

John, Stevie, Jay: COLIN, FOR "'TIL DEATH DO US PART"!

Colin (From his seat high in the balcony): Oh my! I won!! I can't believe it!! I'll be right down!!

[Colin pushes and pokes his way through a crowd of teenagers and other people who were forced to come to the Harley awards because their favorite band's concert was sold out, and after about an hour finally makes it to the podium...]

Colin: (pants) Whew... that was some trek... and had I known I was nominated, I would have come dressed for the occaision... somehow accepting an award in Shorts and T-shirt doesn't seem right... hehe... and another thing, who knew a story about death could win an award? Well... first and Foremost, I'd like to thank myself for writing this story. Without myself, this story would have never been written. Next, I'd like to thank all those involved in the production of the story, those who worked behind the scenes, adding ideas, and also appearing in the story. Without you guys, the story would have been shorter. I'd also like to thank Pokemon for being the official cash cow of Kids WB that I was able to milk in a fun parody scene. Oh yeah, I guess I should thank the academy... and I am not accepting this award as a winner... but as a representative of the other wonderful works that were nominated!

John Cleese [leans over and whispers to Colin]: No one else was nominated in this category... we just made it up spur of the moment so we didn't have to go watch more "Full House" reruns.

Colin: Oh... well in that case, I'd like to thank... Everyone and their Uncle! I'd also like to dedicate this award to the dear memory of Cuzn Fred... who died too young, but was loved by all. This one's for you Freddie!!! Oh, by the way... there will be free ice cream after the show at Craig's house... he said I wasn't supposed to tell you guys.

[At this point, the entire crowd is sleeping, it is not until the sudden moment of silence that the entire crowd wakes up, wondering what's happened. Before Colin can say anything else, a large hook comes and pulls Colin off the stage...]

[Let's cut back to Moe, shall we?]

MOE: OK, youse guys...that long-winded Tiny Toon fan's off the stage...so, start riggin' it to blow sky-high!

MIKEY: OK, Moe...c'mon, Sheryl!

[The two no-goodnik New York street thugs leave, and crawl under the interior of the stage; a cheesy cartoon cutaway reveals they're rigging it with lots of ACME-brand dynamite.]

SHERYL: Hey, Mike?

MIKEY: Yeah, sweetcakes?

SHERYL: The Artemis Theater's a historical landmark, isn't it? I mean, blowin’ it sky-high would probably cause zillions of bucks’ worth of damage, or get some historical preservation group thingy after us, or somethin’, right?

MIKEY: Uh...I guess so. Why?

SHERYL: [Shrugs] Oh, just checkin'...that's all. [The two continue to accelerate their explosive-rigging process...]

[Cut back to the stage, where we see that the Warners are on stage...]

WAKKO: And now...a very *special* musical number!

[We hear the theme music from the TV show "It's Showtime at the Apollo" break out, and see various feathered female danacers dance down the aisle, and flock onto the stage...the Warner males begin drooling and yelling "HELLOOOOOO, NURSE"! Dot merely looks annoyed.]

DOT: Can we cut this thing short? I'd like to get home in time for the *Today* Show...

[Dot shoves the dancers off-stage, to the disappointment of her siblings.]

WAKKO: Awwww....

DOT: "Special" segment, huh?

YAKKO: [Wiggling his eyebrows] *I* certainly thought so...

WAKKO: [Tongue hanging out] Me, too!

DOT: (Sighs) Anyway...our *next* award is hopefully a bit less, um, *charged*...

BELCH: [From off-stage, Homer Simpson-esque] Awww....

YAKKO: Here to present the next award is Buster and Babs Bunny!

[The two rabbits walk onto the stage, with applause from the marginally awake audience. Dot gives a wink at Buster, who grins back, but sees Babs shoot a brief glare at him.]

Babs: Greetings, everyone! Our next segment is...

Buster: "Best Ending"!

Babs: All good stories must eventually come to an end, like this awards ceremony will...knock on wood!

Buster: The nominees are..."Package Deal" (Clip of the Warners singing the "Googily Goop" parody")

Babs: "Circle Closing In" (Clip of the humongous fireworks display at the end of that story)

Buster: "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas" (Clip of that story's oversized cast singing the "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" spoof)

Babs: "Radio Free Warners" (Clip of the gang pulling ropes and having sundry objects rain down on the villains)

Buster: And finally, "Chaos Of Characters" (Clip of Pinky & The Brain deciding to help Snowflake)

Babs: And the winner is...(Flatly) Great, another tie! The winners are "Radio Free Warners" and "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas".

[Cut to Brainatra.]

Brainatra: Great...and there's no room left in the U-Haul for yet another award... (Leaning over his chair) Caps, could you accept for me?

Captain Caps: Sure! C'mon, Moon Unit!

Brainatra: (Raising an eyebrow) "Moon Unit"?! (Begins snickering, as Moon Unit glares at Brainatra)

Announcer: Accepting for Brainatra are Captain Caps and Moon Unit Zappa.

[Captain and Moon walk out on stage.]

Moon: I don't even know why I'm up here, being as Brainatra doesn't like the 80s.

Captain: Don't worry, he liked some of it! Anyway, I'm accepting this award on Brainatra's behalf, because you've honored him more than Tom Hanks, and he's running out of room in his chair. Anyway, Brainatra would like to thank his family, his friends, the WBC Story Board...You know, de rigeur stuff! Thanks so much!

Captain and Moon: Frankie Says Relax!

[They walk off stage.]

Moon: Um, Caps?

Captain: What?

Moon: Do you think we should've said that?

Captain: Brainatra will understand, and besides, I'm sure that he has a copy of "Welcome To The Pleasuredome" lying around his new residence!

[Cut back to the stage...or rather, underneath it. Those two New Yorker thugs, Mikey and Sheryl, have finished their boss' orders...we see in another cheesy cartoon cutaway that the entire stage is rigged with ACME-brand explosives...we see a wire leading out the theater, to a nearby abandoned warehouse, where we see Moe is eyeing the theater from afar.]

SHERYL: All done, boss-man...when you hit the switch, that place is goin' up big-time!

MOE: [Cackles gleefully, then sputters and hacks] Oh, boy...gotta practice my maniacal laughter there. OK, OK, I'm good now...um...OK, here goes nothin'! Eat *gunpowder*, ya worthless little freaks! [Moe presses the lever...but nothing happens. He scratches his head...]

MOE: Hey, what's wrong with this thing?! Aw, criminey...here's what's wrong! Run down to the store and get another pack of "D" batteries, OK?

MIKEY: No problem, boss-man! [The two thugs exit]

MOE: Oooh, this is gonna be *good*! Soon, youse Warners are gonna see your little show blown to bits like my bar did! HA!

[Orchestra music: bum-bum-*Buuuuuummmmm*...]

[Cut back to the Warners...]

DOT: Well, folks, it looks like we might be gettin' close to the end here... [Suddenly, all wake up, and cheer...]

YAKKO: Unless the writers get a sudden second wind...

DOT: [Hissing at Yakko to not give them any ideas] Um...OK, here's another award! Here to present it are none other than: the Justice League of America!

[Heroic trumpet fanfare music plays, but we see that the JLA are out for the count: the entire league, including Superman, are asleep...Superman utters a few loud snores.]

YAKKO: Gee, this award show's worse than I *thought*...um...OK, our *backup* celebrities are...Samuel L. Jackson, and Rosie O'Donnell!

[The two walk out onto the stage, as the "theme from 'Shaft'" plays...]

JACKSON: The Artemis Theater's had a long and historic career...it's been the home of many such celebrities as---

[Samuel's cut off, as he sees Rosie engaged in fawning over the Warners...]

ROSIE: [Chipper] Ooooh, aren't *you* a cutie patootie?! [Pinches Dot's cheek *hard*...]

DOT: [Flatly] Please don't do that...

ROSIE: [Chipper] Oh, but I'm so happy to be here!

JACKSON: Um...may I continue? As I was saying, the Artemis has been a Harlem and African-American cultural institution since...since...

[Looks again, to see that Rosie's shuffling sheet music...]

ROSIE: Oooh, can I *please* sing one song? May I? *Pleeease*?!

JACKSON: Um...I believe there'll be plenty of time for songs later...I think that Craig guy's planning some big, show-stopping musical finale for this thing...

ROSIE: Oh, good! [Puts the music sheets away] OK, our next awards is for "Best Plot Twist"...the nominees are:

JACKSON: (VO) "Once and Future Warners"... (we see the Warners and Max are tricked into heading even further into the future by a disguised Axel Foley...)

ROSIE: (VO) "39 Characters".. (we see that "Kellner" is revealed to be Baloney)...hey, how'd *that* get nominated?

JACKSON: [Rolling his eyes] Don't *ask*... (VO) "Circle Closing In" (we see that the "Triangle" was revealed to have been a Circle front)

ROSIE: (VO) "Warner Academy" (we see that the "drugs" are really revealed to be Beanie Babies)

JACKSON: (VO) "BatWarners Beyond" (we see that Oblique's daughter wanders into the Final Confrontation™ fray at ground zero of Oblique's suit-detonation)

ROSIE: And the winner *is*.... Romey, for "Batwarners Beyond"! Let's give him a hand!

[Romey's dead asleep, until Brainatra wakes him up. Groggily, he wanders on stage...]

ROMEY: Thanks, all... (yawn) uh... (flatly, and somewhat quickly said) thanks for this thing, it's really great, I want to thank God, all organic forms of life on Earth, my mama and daddy, join the Billie Fan Club, s'long... [Walks back to his seat, fluffs up a pillow lying there, and falls back asleep...]

ROSIE: Uh...oh-kaaaaay...[To Jackson] C'mon...let's go grab a bagel at the nearest friendly deli...gee *whiz* I love this city!

JACKSON: Um, yeah... [The two depart]

[Cut to FATHER TIME in a broadcasting booth.]

FATHER TIME: Folks, we're into hour twelve of the First Annual Harley Awards, and the crowd is bubbling like Krakatoa. We go live to Sarah Coopersmith-Fitzwarren-Goldenheimer-Stein in the gallery. Sarah?

[Cut to the gallery.]

SARAH: That's right, Father Time. Warner Bros. is trotting out all the big names at no small expense. [Pan over the crowd; we see many familiar faces, and quite a few from Tex Avery's "Hollywood Steps Out", including a double-wide chair reserved for Kate Smith.] Why, there's former President John F. Kennedy talking to former First Lady Dolly Madison.

KENNEDY [sounds like Dan Castelleneta doing Mayor Quimby on "the Simpsons"]: Er, ah, care to take a little trip with me to my yaht in Bahston?

DOLLY: "Bahston"?!

KENNEDY: [Tries repeating it again] Bahston! *BAHSTON*! Blast this cliched ahcent...

[DOLLY, who looks just like she does on the snack food packages, giggles like a schoolgirl at this...]

SARAH: And I'll be darned! That's "Mama" Cass Elliot, of The Mamas and the Papas!

CASS ELLIOT: Hey, vendor guy! Roast beef sandwich here, please!

[CAPTAIN CAPS pops into the shot with a cardboard sign reading "Obscure joke, kids--ask your folks!"]

SARAH: And here is one of our toilers in the writing salt mines, Dr. Belch!

[DR. BELCH is seen cracking open his umpteenth root beer and pouring it into his monstrous mouth. Note the pile of empty cans about his feet. In the seat next to him is SHARKLADY, sound asleep; the good doctor, being a gentleman, has covered her bare arms and shoulders with his tuxedo coat.]

SARAH: Say, Doc, I hear you used to do a mean lounge act back in the cafeteria in college. Care to favor us with it?

DR. BELCH: Sure thing, babe. [produces a candy cigarette and begins to smoke it. As Andrew Dice Clay:] Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill---

SARAH: [Nervously] Um...afraid I'll have to cut you off right there, Doc. Given how late this thing's running, there'll probably be *kids* watching at some point soon...

[Zip pan to the stars of the WB series "Jack and Jill", seated together. They smile and wave. Zip pan back to DR. BELCH and SARAH.]

DR. BELCH: Feh...lousy network prudes... [to the camera] Hey, kids, here's a few words ya might want to use on the playground! (Ble---) [The camera moves off Belch as soon as he starts in his Axel-like speaking skills...]

[Cut to exterior of the Artemis Theater. MOE is looking at his watch and picking his nose.]

MOE: Aw, criminy! Where the frig are those morons? They were due back 20 minutes ago! Lousy goons! Next time I'm working with a better class'a thug! Like--I dunno--Josef Stalin! Or Walter Wolf! Or...eh, I'll figure it out later...

[Resumes picking his nose and checking his watch]

[Cut back to the interior of the Artemis, with SARAH.]

SARAH: Ah, I see the ceremony is resuming. Let's watch.

[Cut to stage. SLAPPY is behind the podium. She coughs gutturally and spits into an ashtray. Someone in the audience shouts, "That's nasty!"]

SLAPPY: Stuff it. I'm old. And they said I could announce the guest if I promised not to pinch G. Gordon Liddy's tuchus again. [Cut to LIDDY in the audience, blushing, as people titter.] What can I say? I love a bald man. Okay--from ancient Greece, Homer, writer of "The Iliad", and just flown in from the Orange Islands, expert Pokemon trainer Prima.

[Enter HOMER and PRIMA. HOMER uses the character model from D*sn*y's "Hercules", with dark glasses added, and Dan C.'s voice. PRIMA enters, and the band plays the intro to Ray Stevens' "Bubble Gum the Bubble Dancer". Every man in the Artemis (every man still awake, that is) starts to slaver simultaneously...well, almost every man. Nathan Lane merely sits there quietly, observing the cartoonish, hormonally-induced chaos around him, before rolling his eyes and whipping out a copy of "Variety" to read...]

YAKKO & WAKKO: [utter "Hello, nurse!" in perfect Japanese, with a subtitle.]

DOT: [says "Men are rutting pigs" in perfect Japanese, subtitled.]

[AXEL FOLEY curses explosively and whoops; SLAPPY pulls a rope and drops an anvil, flat side down, on Axel's head. He slumps to the floor unconscious.]

SAMMY MELMAN: [drools and incoherently babbles]

LYDIA KARAOKE: [pulls out her "Conscientious Critic" trophy and clocks him, raising a six-inch lump on his noggin. He falls to the floor, out cold.]

PRIMA [giggles]: Thank you. I'm a big animal lover, and it gives me great pleasure to announce the next category, "Best-Trained Animal in a FanFic". First up is Diplo, The Brain's bicaudal benefactor, in "The Mouseyville Horror", by Sharklady. [cut to split-screen showing a stunt from Diplo on the left, and a close pan of the slumbering SHARKLADY on the right.]

[HOMER, being blind, is one of the few men in the theater resistant to PRIMA's--um--prodigous talents. He reads his cards with his hands--they're in Braille--and bobs his head back and forth a la Stevie Wonder.]

HOMER: The next nominee is "The Mousefeathers", with the Goodfeathers, and their trainer/voice coach, Brandon Marlo! [Cut to shot of Siren, seated next to a MARLON BRANDO caricature with PESTO in one palm, BOBBY in another, and SQUIT on his head. Show obligatory clip.]

PRIMA: The third nominee is Dr. Belch, for "Histeria #53", the Clever Hans sketch--with trainer Wilhelm von Osten and the Mr. Ed Horse! [DR. BELCH stands up and cracks open a root beer, hollering, "Yeah, baby!", and the camera pans to the MR. ED HORSE and VON OSTEN, who looks like "Green Acres" star PAT BUTTRAM.]

HOMER: And finally--[feels cards and bobs head]--for "Pinky, Histeria, and The Brain", Loud Kiddington and his dog Fetch! [LOUD, dressed as Cal Worthington, stands up and bows. CHARITY, sitting next to him, playfully smacks his tuchus with her program. FETCH jumps on top of them both and thoroughly wets them down with a slobbery kiss.]

PRIMA: And the winner for "Well-Trained Animal" is--

Homer: Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch, for "Pinky, Histeria and The Brain"!

[Loud runs on stage to the "Histeria" theme song, with Fetch not far behind.]


[Loud tosses the frisbee. Fetch jumps up to get it, but it flies out of the theater, crashing through a window, and we see it flying towards the long-unflattened Karen and Kirby, who are talking to Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa.]

Karen: I don't see why everybody loves those Warners.

Kirby: Yeah! We're *so* much better than them!

[Suddenly, the frisbee crashes into both of their heads.]

Dweezil: Come on, let's ditch this place!

Ahmet: Yeah, Moon ought to be at that awards ceremony.

[The Zappas flag down Peter Ustinov, riding in his car.]

Dweezil: Hey, could you give us a ride to the Artemis Theater?

Peter: Darn, I was just leaving that place. It was too wacky for me, but I might as well take you back there.

[The Zappas hop into Ustinov's car. We cut back to the Artemis Theater.]

Yakko: Hey, you want to get breakfast?

Dot: No, we still have a few more awards!

Wakko: Darn!

Yakko: So, what's the next award?

Wakko: Um... (Reads his notes) "Best Writer"!

Dot: You're joking, right?

Wakko: No, I'm not! Here to present this award are...Oh, *no*, not more 80’s people! Let's just introduce them. Here they are, Billy Idol and original MTV VJ Martha Quinn.

[Billy and Martha walk out on stage to Billy's song "Rebel Yell".]

Billy: Long after the WB cancelled their beloved programs, the Internet community stepped in to create new adventures for their favorite characters.

Martha: While there are a great many writers out there, we lose more writers every year to things like graduating from college, getting married, having a kid, growing old...

Billy: Be quiet, love, and just read the nominees!

Martha: Okay, the nominees for "Best Writer" are...beepbeep...Brainatra...Captain Caps...Craig...Dr. Belch...The Siren...Sharklady...Robert...Danielle B...

Billy: Oh, forget it! Every writer is great in their own way, and we have a lot of leftover awards, so every writer who contributed or created a fanfic since the inception of this board is a winner!

Martha: Everybody, come on up!

[All the writers come up.]

Brainatra: I think I speak for all of us when I say...ENOUGH AWARDS ALREADY! ALL MY AWARDS WEIGH MORE THAN MY FLIPPIN' BODY!

All the other writers: Amen!

[Loud Kiddington splashes water on the entire group.]


Brainatra: Oh, alright!

Captain Caps: Hey, Sharklady...I like the whole "wet you" thing. It's like "Flashdance"!

Sharklady: Um...thanks?

[They all walk offstage.]

[Cut to the audience...we see that Axel's still wowed by Prima’s looks...]

AXEL: Whoa...she's somethin' else, wasn't she? Talk about your rejects from an overmerchandised production...who'd figure she'd look like *that*?!

[Pan over to see that he's talking to Nathan Lane, who’s still reading the "Variety" from earlier...]

LANE: [Rolling his eyes] Um, whatever...and *please* don't use the phrase "overmerchandised production"...I'm still having bad flashbacks of D*sney asking me to make a "Hakuna Matata Method of Overcoming Depression" self-help book-on-tape... (Shudders)

[A quick pan of the theater reveals that various coffee venders are making a killing on selling coffee to the audience members...Craig, in particular, is surrounded by three different vendors. Brainatra eyes him warily, then goes back to drinking his Coke...]

[Cut back to the stage...the Warnes are drinking coffee, or at least Yakko and Dot are...Wakko's drinking a can of Coke. He eyes the coffee mournfully, then sighs.]

DOT: Our *next* award is... (yawn) ... uh... any idea what it is, guys?

YAKKO: Uhhh... (yawn)... "Most Dragged Out Story"...and here to present *that* award is none other than Craig, Brainatra, and Capt. Caps...

[The writers walk onto the stage...]

CRAIG: [Still drinking his coffee] Um...no celebs this time, guys?

CAPT. CAPS: I ran out of obscure 1980's-era artists a long time ago...all that's left were a bunch of guys like Springsteen, Michael J. Fox, and Whitney Houston...*yawn*...

BRAINATRA: And *I* can't think of anyone else of stature enough to showcase the best ideals and products of a diverse populace...that, or any more superheroes... *yawn*... [Pan out to see that the JLA members are still knocked out, with Batman now snoring loudly...]

CRAIG: Hmph...guess I'd better get to work on that big, show-stopping Broadway finale number, then... [Craig walks off-stage]

BRAINATRA: Well, then...the nominees for *this* category are:

BRAINATRA: (VO) "Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas"... (A clip plays of the various stupid cliched villain's hideouts...)

CAPT. CAPS: Uh...the only other nominee is this freakin' awards show...and quite frankly, I think it deserves the award...

BRAINATRA: I *agree*... [Reading the winner's card] As do the judges, apparently. [Looks at the award] Toss it in the U-Haul trailer with the others, would ya?

CAPT. CAPS: (Yawns) Sure thing... [The two writers walk off-stage...]

(The WARNERS resume their place at the podium, looking somewhat less chipper then they did at the beginning of the awards.)

DOT: (stifling a yawn) Say, Yakko, how many more award categories are there?

(YAKKO pulls a paper slip from his jacket pocket, has a look, grimaces.)

YAKKO: (hastily stowing the paper) Let's not dwell on it- let's just get another one out of the way!

WAKKO: (squinting to read off the teleprompter) The next category is, Best Fanfic Cameo by a WB Character. And here to present the award are those estimateible... istimeable... timetable... (frowns) Hey, who's supposed to be running that teleprompter??

(Brief cut to the barely-legible teleprompter; beside it Walter Wolf, very much asleep at the switch.)

YAKKO: (scowling, along with his siblings) He's better not ask *us* for a reference!

DOT: (winging it) Here to present the award, is the Coolest WB Animated Character of All Time....

WAKKO: ... accompanied by one of the hottest! Please welcome; Bugs and Lola Bunny!

(Applause as the two rabbits cross the stage to the podium, BUGS in a blue tuxedo, LOLA in a clingy white gown that gets her more then a few whistles. But she doesn't look entirely happy.)

BUGS: Thanks, Docs! Nominees fer the Best Cameo Appearance by a WB character...

LOLA: (aside) Allegedly...

BUGS: (distracted) Eh, is somethin' bugging ya, Lo?

LOLA: (anger rising) Yes, there is! *You* should've been nominated! How *could* those imbecilic judges overlook your brilliant performance in '39 Characters'?!?

BUGS: (drawing himself up proudly) Well, doll, yer right about me bein' good, but I wouldn't exactly call dat a *cameo*. It was more like a full Supportin' Role!

(LOLA thinks it over, her frown fading)

LOLA: Well, if you put it that way... (faces audience) The Nominees for best (smirk) WB cameo, are: Freakazoid removes the control collar, in 'Circle Closing In.' (Clip)

[Cut to Brain in the audience...]

BRAIN: (Wincing at this scene) Seeing that scene again isn't what I'd call the most pleasant thing in the world...though hearing what the Warners mentioned about us is almost as shocking...

PINKY: What'd they say, Brain?

BRAIN: They told me that some months ago, Axel Foley, while he was still a villain, chased those children into the future via Dr. Brown's DeLorean time machine, where they had some sort of adventure...the details of which those kids, for once, wisely avoided giving me any information on. Apparently, while there, Axel nearly brought about some sort of disaster, but was thwarted by those puppy-kids. In addition, the Warners also told us about how in the future, Billie had moved away from the lab for some unknown reason. Of course, now that we’re aware of this occurring, I doubt that Billie will allow that aspect of the future to ever come to pass. (Shakes his head) Altering *future* history...*sigh*...the type of irresponsible temporal abuse I’d expect from those threesome and that Axel Foley fellow...

BILLIE: Hey, don’t knock it! I can’t imagine *why* I’d have left the lab...but now that we know about it, I guess we can prevent it! (Grabs Pinky) Don’t worry...if I *did* ever leave, I’m takin’ you with me! (Brain rolls his eyes and gags)

PINKY: (Awed at these future revelations) *Naaarf*...um, did you find out if you'll ever take over the world Brain?

BRAIN: When I asked about that, all they did was mutter some nonsense about that insipid "two places at once" gag and holographic rulers, and then broke out into laughing...(Shakes his head) I don't even want to *know*...

PINKY: Ooooh, sounds pretty exciting, Brain!

BRAIN: *Indeed*...as if our space-time continuum isn't fractured enough already. What with our trip to that parallel Earth, those Histerians’ travails, and whatever havok the Warners and Axel probably wreaked in the future, I can only imagine what else is in store...

PINKY: Um...a threat to all of space and time itself, necessitating dispatching agents throughout time to defend all of reality from an evil, one-dimensional villain's destruction? With lots of shadow creatures, thugs to fight in different eras, a shadow-ensconsed villain, and the inevitable Final Confrontation™v resulting in the entire universe’s timeline being rebooted?!? *NARF*!

BRAIN: [Head in hands] Don't give those writers any *more* ideas, Pinky...

[Back to the stage, where the current categories’ candidates are being read by Bugs and Lola.]

BUGS: Brain buys out Mr. Spacey's company, in 'The Jetsibs.' (Clip)

LOLA: The Warner Siblings drive a taxi, in 'Circle Closing In.' (Clip)

BUGS: Chicken Boo fights in da Chromedome, in 'Once and Future Warners.' (Clip)

LOLA: The Goodfeathers... show up, in 'Bat Warners Beyond.' (Clip)

BUGS: (Tearing open the envelope, and gallantly handing the folded sheet to LOLA.) And da Harley goes to...

LOLA: (reading) The Warners drive a taxi, in 'Circle Closing In'! Accepting the award is, Dot!

(A reenergize DOT WARNER bounds onstage, grabs the statuette and hugs it closely.)

DOT: Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou! This one moment makes up for my years of toil and under-appreciation! I want to thank my two brothers, and my personal analyst, and all our wonderful producers, and...

LOLA: (very gently tapping Dot's shoulder) Ah, Ms Warner? I meant the fanfic writer 'Dot'. The one who came up with the scene.

(DOT looks stunned, then furious. She slams the statuette back onto the podium and stalks offstage, raging all the way, a la 'Cutie and the Beast.')

DOT: Oh, (bleep), frazinrassin (bleep) it, buncha (bleep) sukafras (bleep) (bleep)...! (Brief Cut To Axel Foley in the audience, looking totally shocked.)

BUGS: Wow! I ain't heard nothin' like dat since Michael Jordan read da reviews for 'Space Jam'! Anyway, Dot, come on up here!

[Dot the writer looks around, and points at herself. She mouths the word "Me?" She stands up smiling, and trying desperately to look graceful as she walks up on to the stage, trips over the top step and falls flat on her face, getting a few chuckles from the audience. Red-faced, she gets up and grabs her Harley award with one hand.]

DOT: Wow, I can't believe I've even been nominated for such a presigious award. I'd like to thank all my favorite characters. Wakko, [Wakko looks up, confused, and fakes a smile] My role model, Pinky.

PINKY: NARF! Thanks!

DOT: The odd little character James, [The blueish purplish haired villain pops out from his not-so-clever hiding place and is about to say something, but is immediately pulled back by the collar by Jesse and whacked over the head]

DOT: And especially, the girl who gave me my name, Dot Warner. [Dot Warner nods her head.] And also all my friends at Toonzone, the people who tried to calm me down over a whole year ago when I found out Animaniacs was making a final episode, the people who allowed me to start an epic adventure like Package Deal, the people who--hurk![A hook comes from the side and pulls her off the stage]

[Cut back to the Warners...]

Yakko: Yawn...what's next on the crowded as you know what award list?

Dot: Hmm, "Best Final Confrontation™". Well, anything final with this show would help....by the way, where's Craig with his promised big finale?

{Back in the audience, Captain Caps is talking with Craig}

Captain Caps: ...so, when's it coming, and how many of my 80's friends are in it?

Craig: Don't rush me, genius can not work under pressure! I am an artist, and I need space to work magic in an otherwise trademark longer than the Titanic's sinking and movie combined awards show! (Pause) What am I saying? I'm talking in idotic psychobabble here, I'll stick to good old fashioned idiotic fanboy psychobabble and just see what I can slap together to end this before Brainatra goes crazy with more awards.

Yakko: Okay...and the nominees, for anyone who's still awake that cares, are, "Fastest Mice Alive"{Clip of our heroes sending Dudley into the future with their suits}

Wakko: "Warner Academy"{Clip of M*ckey and Snowball's explosive defeat}

Dot: "Have Yourself a Wakko Little Christmas"...wait a minute, which one, there were so many, what with all those trademark hideouts and ninja/alien fights. [Clip of the absolute final one where the shadowy figure is revealed to be Plotz] Thank you, at least someone's still up and running.

Yakko: "Radio Free Warners"{Clip of Dr Laura and her gang being blown up}

Wakko: And finally, "Circle Closing In"{Clip of Brain and Wally's final meeting, Brain in the audience isn't too happy at seeing this}

Brain: Another nomination for my old foe?! I don't get it, what is it with these writers and their fasination with that maniac?!

Pinky:{Surprisingly still wide awake}Um, is it because he looks like that scary actor Mr Walken and the real writers did so well in paroding him as the creepy guy he is and because they liked Wally best in our stay with Elmyra? Of course that's just a thought, troz!

Brain: Don't be even more ridiculous than you are, I would have figured with Mr. Walken's admitingly high scaryness and reputation they'd want to forget the memories of him.

Yakko:{Blandly}And the winner is...whoop de do, it's "Fastest Mice Alive". If Brainatra is still here, we apologize for futher filling up your U-Haul truck, but please, you and beepbeep come up to get this award and move us closer to a conclusion....we hope.

{Cut back underground to Moe}

Moe: Oh, don't worry about ending this thing, once my associates finally get back with those batteries, your show and your puny lives will be perminatly canceled!{Laughs very hard}Hmm, I really am getting better with those maniacal laughing and cliched evil line bits there.

{Back on stage, beepbeep is accepting the award, while outside Brainatra is making what little room he has for this next award...cut back to the stage, where beepbeep is accepting the award.}

beepbeep: Ah, yes. After all this, NOW you decide to have me come up for an award. Heck, thanks for paging me, Captain Caps, or we'd never have gotten this show on the road. As always, my goal when working on fan fiction stories is to keep an awareness of classic Warner characters while at the same time using the newer characters.

Brain: Yes, but I wish you would've cooled it with the obscure 'Flash' references!

Beepbeep: Heheh. Right. You have Brainatra to thank for that one! He was one of the other talented directors who got the first FMA on track. The references then got slipped in by everyone else who wrote on the scripts for both stories. I want to thank Brainatra for his work on part 2, and all the countless directors of the original, Craig, Romey, etc.

Romey: Thanks, Beeps! I was starting to think you were leaving me out! After all, Billie did figure into this thing an awful lot and...

Billie: Yes! I did! Thanks for bringing me up! It's always us women who get ignored.

Rita Cat: I'm with ya sister! I haven't had any major moments tonight yet either. (Begins singing, sarcasticly, "Hooray For Hollywood.")

Beepbeep: Listen, kitty! If I wanted a musical interlude in my speech, I would've asked for it.

Rita: Well, why didn't you direct ME in any stories, Roadrunner boy?!

Beepbeep: Because I already had a cat in them, Sylvester!

Runt: Wheres'it a cat? Where?

Sylvester: Yeth! Thanksth for the plug, bud! Firtht time tonight! Thay, Rita, you're a pretty fethcing feline! Whaddaya thay we take a night on the town when thith theremony'th over!?

Rita: Don't hold your breath, CAT!

Runt: Aha! A cat! Lemme at'im! Duh, I'll rip him apart, definitely! Definitely shred him... [Begins chasing after Sylvester, who screams; Runt chases Sylvester out the door.]

Beepbeep: Well, anyway, Thanks to all of you! Let's go to Yakko, Wakko and Dot, with the next award. Man, I'm tired. Let's get this over with, it's---heck, I don't even *know* what time it is! Hope it's sometime before *sunrise*, at least.

Rita: (Singing) The sun will come ouuut, tomorrow, tomorrow...

Beepbeep: Oh, shut up!

[Beepbeep leaves the stage, and the Warners return...]

Yakko: So, before we get to the next presenters, where is the Real-Life Dot?

[Cut to a courtroom. We see Roz and Bull from "Night Court" talking to R-L Dot over coffee and donuts.]

R-L Dot: Anyway, Brainatra has juicy parts for you guys in "Warner Academy 2", if and when that gets off the ground.

Roz: Don't hold your breath. There's a better chance of "DC Cab" getting onto AFI's Top 100 Comedy List than of "Warner Academy 2" hitting the air.

Bull: Yeah, or me getting a new sitcom deal!

[Mr. T walks in the door.]

Mr. T: Which one of you fools mentioned "DC Cab"?

[Cut back to the Artemis Theater.]

Yakko: Well, that was...

Dot: *Don’t*...even...start.

[Cut to Brainatra, who's talking with the other writers...]

BRAINATRA: Geez louise...this thing's runnin' longer than the director's cut for "Titanic"...

SHARKLADY: Oh, I *loved* that movie! Can we do a verison of "My Heart Will Go On"?

BRAINATRA: I dunno, ask Craig...

[Pan over to see that Craig's flipping madly through a pile of musical song sheets...]

[Cut to the now-awake Justice League, who with Bugs and Daffy are reading through copies of the "Superman/Bugs Bunny" DC Comics crossover special...]

SUPERMAN: Hmm...I don't think they captured my best side...

BATMAN: Or mine...

BUGS: Well, they *did* do a lovely job of givin' my coat a nice shade of grey! Heeheehee...

DAFFY: [Annoyed] Hmph...can't believe it! I only get a few measly pages in this thing's first issue, while Bugs gets a prime spot on the *cover*?! It's an outrage!

SPEEDY: Calm down, Se–or Loco Duck...besides, at least *I* got prime space with Se–or Flash... [Wiggles his eyebrows at Daffy; Daffy merely fumes]

[Pan over to Axel Foley...]

AXEL: When is this (bleep)in' thing gonna end?! At this rate, SNL will actually get *good* again before this thing ends...


AXEL: Hey! No yellin'! Ya want to disturb everyone sittin' around us?

[Pan around to see that Nathan Lane, Charity, Axel's family, and Lobo are all knocked out...Lobo snores a bit...]

AXEL: Um...never mind...

[Pan back to the stage, where we see the Warners prepare for the next segment...]

YAKKO: Well, it looks as if things are really heatin' up here at the ol' Artemis Theater...yessireee, they are...[Grins wide/fake-looking] Please...end...this...thing...*SOON*...

DOT: Um...what my brother means is, uh...let's have another song cue! Here with us now are that great group of singers---the *BRAIN-FONICS*!

BRAIN: *WHAT*?! They expect us to reprise our humiliating night in this theater?!

BILLIE: Aw, c'mon, Eggy...it'll be fun! I've arranged the music, the backup musicians, even the song choices! [Shows the boys the choices of songs]

PINKY: Oooh... "Indiana Dreamin'", by the Madres and the Padres..."The Age of Aquariums", by the Third Dimension..."Mrs. Robertson", by Simone and Garbunkle..."Midday Bus to Macon", by Aretha Frankfort..."Cosigned, Wrapped, Hand-Delivered, I'm Yours", by Stevie Thunder?

BRAIN: Hmph...let's see...I suppose this one will do.. [Hands one to the other two mice, who nod in agreement...]

[The mice head towards the stage...we see a screen whip out in front of them thanks to the Warners, and when it's removed, the boys are in their "Motown" singers clothing from "Motown Mice", while Billie's outfit remains unchanged...]

BILLIE: OK, boys...let's take it from the top! [The curtain behind the mice is removed, as we see that several musicians are in place...]

BRAIN: [Flatly] Ready...I suppose.

PINKY: Ready! *NARF*!

BILLIE: A one, a two, a one two three four...

[Music starts up, to the tune of the classic Motown song "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" (the Gladys Knight fast-paced version) starts up...]

BRAIN: Um...no chorus this time?

BILLIE: Nah...gave 'em a break...this time, you'll get to sing along with me, Eggy!

BRAIN: Uh...very well, then...

BILLIE: [Singing, in a fancy, soulful voice] Ooooh, I bet you're wond'rin' how I knew...Baby, baby, baby,
'bout your plans to call outta the blue....
With some long distance number not used before...
Between the two of us we know it'll cost lots more...
The bill took us by surprise, now, let me say...
When I got it in the mail yesterday....
Oh, don'tcha know that I heard it through the phone line?

BRAIN & PINKY: [as backup] Oh, I heard it through the phone line...

BILLIE: [Wailing] Oh, how much more of my long distance time?

BRAIN & PINKY: [Backup] How much more of my long distance time?

BILLIE: Dontcha know that I heard it through the phone line?

BRAIN & PINKY: [Backup] Oh, I heard it through the phone line?

BILLIE: *And*, I'm just about, just about, just about to *lose* my mind, ooooh, yes I am....

[The audience wakes up for this rousing performance, and they all applaud...]

[Cut to the execs....]

LYDIA: Amazing! Since she started singing, our ratings for this thing have skyrocketed from...uh...marginal to...um...*much less* marginal! YES!

[Cut to Moe and the New York thugs, who've finally returned from the store...]

MIKEY: We're back, boss-man! Here's those batteries ya wanted! [Hearing the music] Whoa, she can really cook, can't she?

MOE: Yeah, no foolin'...but that's not *all* that's gonna cook once we're through..."puppy kid fricasee", anyone? [Smiles sinisterly, along with the thugs, as Moe put the batteries in the detonator...or tries to, at least. Moe fiddles with the batteries fruitlessly, getting more and more irked buy the minute. Every few moments he pauses and picks his nose.]

MOE: Ah, criminy crud! I keep getting the frigging things in backwards! Do you line up the little pluses or do they face opposite directions? Screw it if I can ever remember!

SHERYL [tersely, tiredly]: It'd go a frig of a lot faster if you'd get your dang dirty finger out of your nose and use both hands.

MOE: Hey, go to blazes! I got dry sinuses over here!

[MOE and the GOONS momentarily forget the WARNERS and fall to quarrelling amongst themeselves.]

[Cut back to the interior of the Artemis Theater, backstage. SAMMY MELMAN is looking over a computer printout and chuckling.]

SAMMY: Lyds, baby, between all these celeb cameos and those singing rats, the Q ratings are rocketing to Jupiter!

LYDIA: Three things, Sam: A, they are mice, not rats; two, I *hate* being called Lyds, and C-- [holds cell phone out]--your ex-wife is on the phone. #3, I believe.

SAMMY: Lisa? [angrily] Oh, what in blinking blue blazes does that fat odious blood-drinking man-eating harpie want n-- [LYDIA hands him the phone, and his manner changes abruptly. In a sweet tone--] Pooh bear! Hi! How are the kids? Mm-hmmm....

[Cut back to gallery, as BRAIN and BILLIE and PINKY finish singing. As they leave the stage, we pan over to BRAINATRA, DR. BELCH, CAPTAIN CAPS, and SHARKLADY, who are keeping awake in the front row by playing cards. BELCH and SHARKLADY are on the right; CAPS AND BRAINATRA the left; the pot is in an empty seat in the center.]

BRAINATRA: Give me one card.

BELCH [belches loudly]: Two, por favor.

SHARKLADY: Ugh. Four, please. My cards are squadoo.

CAPS: I'll stand on the hand I got. I feel lucky. [deals cards to others]

[PEPPER MILLS suddenly jumps into BELCH's lap, scattering the cards and the pot, and screams hysterically, startling all the PLAYERS awake.]

PEPPER: Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigolly, it's you! I have been dying to meet you ever since I first saw you on FOX--and now you're going to be working on the WB with me and the gang! [screeches wild laughter] Tell me--did it hurt getting those adamantium claws put in your body? And fighting that grody Omega Red! Are you and Jubilee just friends, or are you guys, like, going together? Hmmm? Ahh-ha-ha-ha!

BELCH [aside to SHARKLADY]: This chick thinks I'm Wolverine from the "X-Men".

SHARKLADY [nods]: It's the sideburns. I told you to trim them.

PEPPER: CanI have your autograph? Puh-leeeeeeze? [produces her book]

BRAINATRA: Um...that isn't who you think it is, Ms. Mills...it's---

BELCH [holds up hand to stop him]: I'll handle this, Brainy... [To PEPPER] I got something far better than chicken scratch on paper to give you, doll. [bends PEPPER over backwards and plants a huge kiss right on her mouth. Pan across the shocked faces of CAPS, SHARKLADY, and BRAINATRA, as the sucking kiss sound seems to last at least a minute. When the kiss breaks, PEPPER falls off BELCH's lap, and a puff of steam escapes her mouth. She giggles weakly and faints.]

SHARKLADY [wryly]: I have to admit, that's the first time I've ever seen Pepper Mills quiet.

BELCH: What can I say? I got a way with dames. [puts candy cigarette in mouth with a Dicelike flourish.]

SHARKLADY: Um...yeah.

[Cut to stage. SLAPPY takes the podium again.]

SLAPPY: What a number. I ain't seen crooning like that since Betty Boop opened for Don Rickles in the Poconos. Thank you, singing rats.

BRAIN [from offstage, irks]: We're *mice*, you bushy-tailed fossil.

SLAPPY: Eh, bite me...besides, it was funny *and* flippant. [The crowd laughs.] See? Okay--[coughs hackingly]--next up, the first man on the moon and The Man on the Moon--give it up for Neil Armstrong and Andy Kaufman.

[The left wing of the stage lights up with the glow of the H! time machine and onstage come ARMSTRONG, dressed in his spacesuit as in "Histeria Goes to the Moon", followed by KAUFMAN, in greasy mechanic's coveralls.]

CAPS: [Gleefully excited] Hot diggetty dang! Another 80's ref!

BELCH, SHARKLADY, BRAINATRA [unenthusiastically]: Yay.

ARMSTRONG [hissing breath, beep] Roger. All systems are go for a lovely evening. Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Kaufman?

KAUFMAN [in Latka Gravas voice]: Yes. T'ank you veddy much. I am so "i-be-dah" to be here, I could plotz.

ARMSTRONG [breathes, beeps]: And the next award of the night is "Best Special Effects"...the nominees are:

KAUFMAN: (VO) That nice fellow with the big head, for "Mouse in the Mirror"... (See the mice fiddling with the intercosmic diametric transposer, and putting it through its paces...)

ARMSTRONG: (VO) *Beep*...Craig, for "Dot's Diary"... (Clip plays of Dot stopping in mid-air, and Wakko picking up all the food dropped from the tower...)

KAUFMAN: (VO) Uh...the man with the "S" on his chest-thingy, for "Brain of Two Worlds"... (See a clip play of Superman breaching the dimensional barrier with Billie in tow...)

ARMSTRONG: (VO) *Beep*...Siren, for "The Mousefeathers"... (A clip plays of the mice and Goodfeathers switching bodies)

KAUFMAN: (VO) And finally, the whole writing staff people for that "Wakko Little Christmas" story (A clip plays of the alien probe sucking up the snow, while the mice race away on a snowmobile...)

ARMSTRONG: *Beep*...and it's one small step for the winner, one *giant* leap for---(Opens the envelope) "Mouse in the Mirror"...congratulations...

[The audience drowsily applauds, as Sharklady and Romey approach the stage to take the award...Sharklady yawns.]

SHARKLADY: Thank you very much for this award. I'm pleased to see that our efforts at showing a certain favorite rodent of mine breaching dimensional barriers has *not* gone unawarded...

ROMEY: Hmph...hey, *Billie* breached dimensional barriers with Superman---remember?

SHARKLADY: True...but still, *inventing* a transporter's as impressive as using Kryptonian superpowers to do what Billie did...

ROMEY: Hmm...let's debate this back at the seats...

SHARKLADY: Very well...we could use an *on-topic* debate around here for once...

[They do so, where we see that the writers are now chowing down on food from a vendor's cart...Belch is eating a hotdog with something vaguely resembling relish, Brainatra is eating a slice of cheese pizza, Craig is eating a bagel and is holding a large cup of coffee, Siren is eating a salad, and Capt. Caps is eating a bran muffin and drinking a Perrier...cut to the mice...]

BILLIE: Oh, come on...you had to admit that using Superman's powers to do that was as impressive as constructing a dimensional transporter...

BRAIN: Perhaps...but *my* efforts also involved many hours of planning and hard work...hence, the award.

PINKY: *And*, the "Stargate"-thingy was realllly swirly and glowwwwiiiing, *HAHAHA*!

BRAIN: Thank you, Pinky... [Billie frowns a bit]

[Cut back to the Warners.]

WAKKO: Are you sure I can't have coffee?


WAKKO: Aww...

DOT: [Taking a swig of cappuccino] OK, now, the *next* award is for "Best Explosion in a Fanfic"...here to award it is....[Does a double take] *DR. ZOIDBERG AND BENDER*?! Huh?!

[We see the two "Futurama" characters walk out to the podium...]

DR. ZOIDBERG: Ah, my friends, it feels good to be back at the Artemis Theater, with all the humans and the awards and the cheeering! You might say I'm softened by this, and not feeling as crustacean as I did earlier! Heh? Eh? [Waits for a response to his lame joke, but the audience merely coughs] It was a joke! You people have no sense of humor! Except maybe you...

AXEL: Uh...thanks...I think...

ZOIDBERG: Maybe I should go back to school to get better jokes...I bet the fish in the ocean are offering courses! Heh? Eh? [The audience begins booing...] [Now irate, begins clicking his claws] You *ingrates*! I'll show you *all*! [Begins growling, as the audience throws objects at him, but Bender calms him down]

BENDER: Easy there, Doc...don't worry, I'm here for ya...

ZOIDBERG: Ah...thank you, my good friend the robut...

BENDER: [Annoyed] Hey, I have a *name*, Shellhead!

ZOIDBERG: Sure you do, and it's "robut"...now let's read the awards already...

BENDER: [Muttering] *Fine*... the nominees are:

ZOIDBERG: (VO) "Warner Academy"... (We see a clip play of Slappy blowing up Axel Foley with dynamite...)

BENDER: (VO) "Radio Free Warners" (We see a clip of the Warners and co. blowing up Dr. Laura, Plotz, and the Disney goons...)

ZOIDBERG: (VO) That "Warners meet the Simpletons" thing...whoever the "Simpletons" are, they sure look funny with the overbites and bulging eyes and such... (A clip plays of the nuclear plant-generated detonation of half the town)

BENDER: (VO) Yeah, that's right, cash only---huh? Oh, yeah...er..."Chaos of Characters" (We see Slappy trick Beanie into blowing up himself, Walter, and Sid)

ZOIDBERG: (VO) And finally, "39 Characters" (We see "PikaBrain" blow up Zalgar via electrocution)...

BENDER: And the winner *is*...WARNER ACADEMY!

[Captain Caps walks up stage. We see that he's done with his bran muffin and Perrier, and is now having a root beer and pepperoni pizza-flavored Combos™.]

Captain Caps: Thanks, everyone! *Two* awards so far tonight...not as much as Brainatra, but still pretty darn good. I would like to thank my fellow members of the WBC, and I would like to thank Axel Foley!

Axel: (Bleep) you, you (bleeping) got rid of me, then brought me back as a (bleeping) villain!

Captain Caps: Hey, Axel, don't forget who brought you to the dance, as it were! Anyway, thank you, and here's to the future!

[Caps holds his root beer aloft, takes a swig, and waves to the audience. He walks back to his seat, where he sees Marisa Tomei and Andrew "Dice" Clay.]

Captain Caps: You two enjoying yourselves?

Marisa: Yeah, it's okay!

Dice: I hear that Dr. Belch does a wicked (bleeping) impression of me!

Captain Caps: Indeed! Go over there, and I'll bet he'll show it off. Marisa, maybe you could introduce yourself to Belch.

Marisa: Um, okay! Anyway, I wonder what Courtney Cox is doing now...

Captain Caps: (Listening to Courtney on Howard Stern’s radio show on a transistor radio) Urgh...*don’t ask*...

[Cut back to the Artemis Theater, where it looks as if things have reached a boiling point with this ludicrously long award show...half the audience is still asleep, the writers all look fairly cranky, along with Axel, Slappy, and the Warners...]

SLAPPY: Aaaah, enough of dis hooey! Not that I want to start repeatin' myself as much as these hack writers [BELCH: (Off-screen) HEY!], but at this point, I'd like this thing to *end*! Even one 'a those Final Confrontation™ thingamajigs is startin' to sound good...

SUPERMAN: I *agree*...as that idiotic Kids' WB "Lou Bega Day" recycled stock footage of me doing the *mambo* with Kalibak said, "it's time to end this thing"...

BATMAN: [Dryly] *Ditto*...

AXEL: I (bleep)in' agree!

LOUD: [Yelling] ME TOO!

BUSTER: Yeah...enough's enough, already, guys...this is *worse* than the Acme Loo Student Film Festival! Though I admit that *this* is still infimensially more entertaining...

TAZ: [Eating up a copy of the "Superman/Bugs Bunny" comic crossover] BLEUGHEARGHACK! *End it*! *End it*!

BRAINATRA: [On his sixth Coke] *Yawn*...same here... [the other writers nod]

[The audience that's still awake begin to murmur and complain...a few even begin throwing things at the Warners on stage. Wakko begins eating the various vegetables thrown, while Yakko whips out a tennis racket, hits a rock being hurled at him, and sends it back into the audience, with a barely audible "bleep" being heard. Dot whistles loudly, and the audience freezes in mid-chaos]

DOT: *Ahem*...*thank you*. Since you've all been waiting, here is the *final* award...

[The audience begins cheering, and throws confetti, streamers, etc. in the air...]

DOT: (Waits until they stop) ...the award being: *BEST FANFIC STORY*! To be voted on by various individuals on the WBC in an e-mail poll...a *FAIR* e-mail poll...

[Cut to a USA WEEKEND reporter in the audience covering this ceremony...]


[Cut back to the Warners...]

DOT: Since the poll tallying will take a short while, [The audience begins to murmur and complain again] we'll fill the time until it's tallied with *another* amusing song parody sequence, performed by---

CAPT. CAPS: Dexy's Midnight Runners?!


CAPT. CAPS: Awww...

[The audience applauds in approval at this choice...we cut to the stage, where the theater darkens, and we see smoke rise out of the sides of the stage...we hear the voiceover of Pinky, as music starts up to the tune of the Fifth Dimension’s "Age of Aquarius" song...]

PINKY: [Speaking] When the moon looks like half a cookie,
And men come from Mars,
The peas will go with carrots,
And the fishies will drive *brand new CARS*!

[The stage lights up, with the mice all present...they all begin singing...]

MICE: [Singing] This is the dawning of the *age of Aquariums*....age of *A-quar-i-uuuummms* ... *AQUARIUUUUMS*....*A-QUA-RI-UUUUMMMS*....

[The smoke continues to stream across the stage, and a laser light show begins playing...this gets the audience's attention, and they all begin applauding and cheering loudly. From off-stage, Sammy Melman and Lydia Karaoke eye the rising Nielsens gleefully...cutting back to the audience, we see the audience is really getting into this; some people are waving lit cigarette lighters over their heads, while someone begins tossing a beach ball around the crowd...]

[Cut to the Justice League of America in the audience...Superman has an inquisitive look on his face...]

SUPERMAN: Um...say, guys...remember that time when we teamed up with the Justice Society to fight Aquarius, the living star-creature gone rogue?* [* - It *really* happened, as incredibly stupid as it sounds, in "Justice League of America" #73-74, from the swingin’ year of 1969 ----Brainatra, walking archive of worthless comic book trivia]

BATMAN: [Flatly] *Don't* remind me...

WONDER WOMAN: Indeed, Superman...I can't imagine what could've been worse than being mind-controlled into fighting the JSA by some loser named after a Fifth Dimension song title...

SUPERMAN: [Flatly] Try that dumb "Batman" episode where Bruce fights that "Farmer Brown" character...

WONDER WOMAN: [Flatly] I stand corrected...

BATMAN: [Shudders at the memory of the infamous B:TAS episode "Critters"]

[The mice finish their song set, to the applause of the audience...]

[Wide pan of stage, as the mice walk back to their seats. SARAH COOPERSMITH-FITZWARREN-GOLDENHEIMER-STEIN steps into the shot.]

SARAH: Hour *23* of the first annual Harley Awards, and it looks like this baby's about to be put to bed, tucked in, and kissed good night. Let's take a quick look around the theater and get some audience feedback. [Waves a "c'mon" to the cameraman.]

[We cut to Nathan Lane, speaking to Mr. Director in the lobby...]

LANE: I don't care *if* you thought my film idea is, in your words, [mockingly] "stupid and silly with the things that won't work with audience peoples"...you had *no* right to pull the plug on it!

MR. DIRECTOR: [Seriously] Please...you foolish person with the oversized body. I am a brilliant director, star of screen and many Labor Day telethons, and *you* are...someone who's situation comedy lasted less time than it took me to order a coffee at Starbuck's. So, call someone who cares, OK? [Tosses Lane a quarter, and walks off...Lane looks livid]

LANE: Oh, *I'll* call someone , all right... someone *indeed*. [A devious look crosses Lane's face, as he heads for a pay phone, and dials a number...ominous music plays.]

LANE: Hello? Yeah, it's me...listen, I'm still at this award thing and---yes, it's *still* going on...anyway, I've got this favor to ask...

[Pan away from this scene, and across to SLAPPY and THE SIREN and CHARITY BAZARR. SIREN and CHARITY are having fruit punch; SLAPPY a big glass of buttermilk.]

SIREN [yawns]: Boy, this thing is going on forever, isn't it?

SLAPPY: I'll say. What about those last two presenters, huh? Zoidberg's a schmendrick--but I like Bender. He's got chutzpah.

CHARITY: What's "chutzpah"?

SLAPPY: Cojones. Joi de vivre. Moxy. [CHARITY doesn't get it. SLAPPY emits a frustrated sigh.] Look, kid. Get me annother buttermilk, would'jah? Heavy on the froth.

CHARITY: I'm not happy. [exeunts stage right]

SIREN: You don't care for Zoidberg?

SLAPPY: He's a putz. You’d have to have a traumatic head injury to find him funny.

[A man who looks like Christopher Walken walks up to the ladies.]

MAN [deadpan, as creepy sci-fi music plays]: Hello. I'm Phineas Gage. I had an iron bar blown through my skull in 1848. I think that Dr. Zoidberg is a laugh riot. Ha. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha.

SLAPPY: [to self] Why do I give these hack writers setups like that?

GAGE: The doctors let me keep it. Want to see?

SIREN [gulps sickly]: Um...n-no, thank you. [uncomfortable smile]

GAGE: Okay. Buh-bye now. [exeunts stage right]

SIREN: Maybe they should screen who comes out of the Histeria time machine a li-iii-ii-itle more closely.

[Camera pans to DR. BELCH, talking to FETCH.]

BELCH: Fetch, old man, I got a black Lab at home who's got a real thing for German shepherds. Interested?

FETCH: I dunno, Doc. What's she look like?

BELCH: Dark fur, long legs, soulful eyes, and powerful jaw muscles. She can catch a fly in her mouth in midair.

FETCH: Whoo-ee! I'll pick her up at eight.

[Pan to a seat in the audience, filled by "One Saturday Morning" star MANNY THE UNCANNY.]

MTU: When are they going to start with the final award presenting thing? I am so excited I could wet my trousers! I wonder who is the presenter?

[Pan right to MR. SULTANA SULTANA.]

SS: I don't care, so long as it isn't that no-good Gary Busey.

[Pan right to NOSTRADAMUS.]

N: Shut up!! Really! I want to hear this here show thingy there!

[Cut to the hallway, dark. The shadows of MOE and his GOONS are seen creeping along the corridor, arms loaded with boxes of stuff for The Plan, as Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays.]

[Pan up to the wings, where presenters BENDER and ZOIDBERG are standing.]

BENDER: Hey, doc, you want to see my Harley Awards?

ZOIDBERG: You weren't in any of these stories, ro-but. You didn't win any awards.

BENDER: Win, my shiny metal [bleep]. Get a load a'these. [opens chest door to show trophies, which he has presumably stolen] I'll treasure these forever. Or at least till I get to that pawnshop on 33rd and 3rd.

ZOIDBERG: Ro-but, you are a naughty little scamp.

BENDER: Aah, why dont'cha use one'a those big claws a'yours to dig that bug out of your [bleep].

ZOIDBERG: What? There is a bug on my tuchus? [cranes neck to look at own butt] Why didn't someone tell me I had dribbled food on my pants again?

[Pan back to SARAH.]

SARAH: As you can see, this theater's hotter that Chernobyl on New Year's Eve. Now back to the stage, where Wakko Warner is about to bring out tonight's final celebrity presenter.

[Cut to podium. WAKKO is whispering to someone offstage.]

WAKKO: One cup of coffee is all I ask. C'mon. Gimme. [appears to listen, although we don't hear other person in the wing.] I don't care what Ms. Karaoke said, I want one! [listens] Can I chew on an old coffee filter, then? [listens] Well, you're another one! [blows raspberry] I guess I'll just drink milk like a little baby, then. [produces baby bottle, sucks it, pulls it out of mouth, reads card] the votes have been tallied, and a winner has been declared.


WAKKO: And to present the award is your favorite and mine--Don Knotts!

{The audience claps as Don Knotts walks on stage, with "The Andy Griffith Show" theme song playing in the background}

Don: Thank you. Well, it's about time I actually appeared myself on something that refers to me so often. I can't say I'm not flattered by Mr Wakko's admiration of me, and...

Yakko: Um, Donny, we just want to get this over with, so cut the expo and read the nominees.

Dot:{Holding an envelope}And here's the envelope with the nominees and winner, normally we don't have nominees listed in an envelope, but we want this to stand out.

Don: Okay, I'll just rip it open then.

{Don takes the envelope and attempts to rip it open....but instead rips the envelope in half}

Don: Oops, that could be bad, I'll just try to put this back together then.

{Don tries to set the pieces back together, but instead somehow manages to rip them apart again. This continues for sometime until eventually, the envelope and it's content are in tiny pieces with no way to read them}

Yakko: You just knew that was gonna happen, anything to stop ending this. Well, none of us know the nominees and results, so we're gonna have to wait a while longer for another copy.

{The audience grumbles angrily. Cut back to Moe and the thugs...}

Mikey: Well, looks like they'll have to take a commercial break soon, and now that we're finally ready, it'll be their last. Moe, if you'll do the honors.

Moe: Gladly.{Walks to the plunger}All right, you rotten little freaks, now prepare to go out with a bang! Gee, I really am getting good with those cliched lines.

{Moe jumps and pulls the plunger down....but again nothing happens}

Moe: Hey, where's the ka-boom?! There was supposed to be a big, stage destroying, life ending ka-boom! Wait a minute, what kind of batteries did you guys get, I didn't look with all the arguing. {Pulls out batteries from the plunger} GRADE *Z* BATTERIES?!! These never work!! That's the best you could do?!!

Mikey: Hey, we spent all our money on our original weapons, that flipping CGI pinball thing, and all these explosives, what do you expect we could afford after buying all this stuff?! Besides, do ya know how *expensive* CGI imagery *is*?! [To Sheryl] Learned *that* from the "Discovery Channel"...

Sheryl: Whatever, Einstein; besides, I told you just taking the good batteries while the shopkeep's back was turned would be less difficult, but *nooo*, Mr. "wants to save his evil doings and evil potential for the big bang!"

Moe: All right, shut up and let me think! *God*, every possible thing revenge driven people like us can think of have crashed and burned like the remains of the sign on my bar! Isn't there any plan left out there that even _we_ can't screw up?!

Mikey: Wait, what about that time machine backstage that got those French babes, that Foxx guy, the guy Jim Carrey played and the astronaut out there? We could use it to bring back a villain from the past to help us and he'll put us over the top for success!

Moe: Wait, so you're suggesting we're so pathetic we need a deranged bad guy from the past to help us and only then will we get those kids?{Mikey nods}Well, can't argue with that point, but how will we work that thing?

Sheryl: We'll have to push buttons and hope we get lucky. Come on, let's hurry backstage before they get those results!

{They run as fast as they can. Cut to Lydia and Sammy in their office}

Lydia: Well this turn of events is a mixed blessing. It's good that people will probably be more intriged with this waiting for the results and increase the ratings, but this also increases the chances of more bad mail over the length of this tomorrow.

Sammy:{Next to a computer}Let's just think about the first option. I have the results on this computer, so I'll just print them up and get us back on course!

{He leans his hand on the keyboard, covering the results, and then bad noises are heard from the computer and it goes black}

Lydia: Nice going, by leaning on those keys you just crashed our only computer and the results are gone! We barely took a look at it, so we don't know the results either! The nearest computer store is miles away, so I guess I'll just have to fix this one to get the results back.

Sammy: At least the first event you described is more likely to happen, Lyds.

Lydia: You're lucky I'm busy or else you'd pay for saying that cursed four letter word.

[Backstage, the baddies are at the Histeria! time machine and are pushing random buttons on it. A console nearby reads "Bringing back evilest man or machine alive in..." and then a date comes on it, which is "Febuary, 2000". Suddenly, some sharp sirens start to ring, and the machine revs to life. Smoke is coming out in a dark matter, and a chorus is humming in the background darkly to top off the mood. Suddenly, the machine stops making noise as the smoke continues to spread, making the threesome cough. Just then on the floor, a metal foot comes down, followed by another. Some metal walking is heard, and the thing doing it then reveals itself....it is one of the most nastist, narrow minded, and smartest villains ever to appear in a WBC FanFic...(cue an extremely gratuitious self promoting relevation, even from me)...Dr. Gene Burrows, in his robotic form from the end of "Another 24 Hours"]

Gene: Hmm, why is there smoke all around me? And where am I? The last thing I remember is being crushed and destroyed inside my giant spider.

Moe: Hey, hey wait a minute, I think I know what this is! It's that crazy scientist guy who almost destroyed Washington D.C a few months back to kill those kids on that Histeria show thingie. I saw that head of his recovered on TV from the remains of the White House.

Gene: Ah, and who are you that remembers me so well? You look like that grouchy bartender on that stupid Simpsons program on FOX.

Moe: That's because I am. Me and my friends here were trying to bring back a evil villain from the past with this time machine from the show you hate so much and we certainly succeeded with that!

Gene: And why exactly were you planning to do this?

Mikey: Well, we're at the first Annual Harley Awards for Fan Fictions on the WBC Story Board, and we've been trying all night to get rid of those Warner brothers and sister that ruined and embrassed us all. I'm sure you know a thing or two about wanting revenge so much.

Gene: Yes I do, and I never much liked those Warner kids myself, so I can tell why you'd want to kill such annoying characters, having tried so often myself. By the way, I hate to ask, but...

Sheryl: Yes, those two kids you've tried to get rid of are in the audience, and from my word they seem quite happy together.

Gene:{Low}This helps my mood not very much.

Moe: Well then we can help each other out here. You help us with your big weapons inside that robot body of yours to choke the life out of the Warners, and we'll help you to do the same to that loud brat and his girlfriend!

Gene: I can do that very easily. You must be geniuses to be able to succeed in working time machines and coming up with ideas like that, genius is something I really appreciate, but idiocy is something all together different.{His red robot eyes glow fiercely}

Mikey:{Nervous}Yep, smart guys we are all right, heh heh, let's just go on stage.

{Inside the theater, the audience is not too happy. The Warners are walking on the aisle pondering what to do}

Yakko: Boy these guys are grouchy, and who could blame them? How do we keep them distracted from taking it out on us?

Wakko: Let's bring back the Pokemon trainer, you saw how they got up last time! And who could blame them? Hello, anime nur...

Dot:{Interrupting}Can we come up with a non-hormonally-driven idea, please?

Voice: If you'll just look up stage, you'll see a brilliant, revenge fulfilling that wish right here!{Moe, Mikey and Sheryl come out on stage}

Yakko: Well, if it isn't our old New York City and "North Tacoma" friends.

Mikey: "North Tacoma"?! Where the heck's *that*?!?

Moe: Um, I think they're refering to me there, that's the state me and my (rolling his eyes) "Sprungfield" friends live in.{The audience gasps at this relevation}

Dot: I thought you lived in "northern Kentucky"... or "southern Missouri"...

Yakko: I guess you didn't read the Simpsons FAQ, Dot...or watched the rerun of that "Behind the Laughter" episode thing from this past season...

Moe: Uh, like I said, "North Tacoma"...lousy freakin' hack writers thinkin' they're so "clever" to change our supposed "location" in reruns... but never mind that, we've got a score to settle, and this time we've got a real good plan!

Dot: And how are we supposed to believe that, exactly? Don't you think you've embrassed yourself enough tonight?

Moe: Let me answer that, you not so cute little brat, with the introduction of a new friend of ours. He's robotic, he's deadly, and he's got us beat in the vengence department, come on out here!

Dot: [Flatly] Could he be deadlier than me after hearing that crack at my cuteness?!

Gene:{V.O}Well, why don't we find out?{Gene comes on stage and the audience gasps}

Dr. Zoidberg: Hey look, another robut.

Bender: You call that a robot? Cheap 20th century technology proves inferior once again.

Charity:{Scared}From personal experience, I'd deny that notion.

Loud:{Panicked}Okay, this isn't happening, I'm really asleep and the monster who nearly destroyed my life isn't alive, right?{Pause}SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!!

Gene: I'm sorry, my old foe, but through the magic of your very own time machine and my new friends here, it is. Now, let me show you our one demand. Do you see all the weapons I possess?{Electrical wires, guns, axes, claws, and lots of other things come out of Gene's body and face the audience}Well, you will be facing the full firepower of it unless my two little enemies and the Warner siblings come up here and face the firepower themselves. If even one of them doesn't come up here and/or lives to tell about it, well, let's just say you people won't live to do so yourself.

Moe: Whoh, that's really harsh...but it's no different than our previous idea to blow up the whole place with explosives underneath the theater. Well, is you or ain’t youse brats comin’ up here?!

{Axel pushes Loud and Charity towards the stage}

Axel: You heard the guy, get up there, you crazy [bleeps]! I don't care about your [bleeping] history with that robot, there's no [bleep] way I'm sacrificing my life for you two or those [bleeping] kids over there!

Dot: *Sigh*...well, I guess even in an awards show, we can't escape the "drama" that is the Final Confrontation™.

Yakko: Gee, you'd think that we wouldn't have to deal with this in an awards show, of all things. Well, since we've faced the D*sney gang, a futuristic near-apocalypse, Plotz, shadow-ensconsed villains, being trapped in P*kemon, and countless ninja thugs, I guess the only thing left is to face that robot over there.

Mikey: Thanks for reading our thoughts, now come up here.

{The Warners join Loud, and Charity on stage and face the villains}

Yakko:{To Loud and Charity}Well, you two are the experts in beating this guy, how do we do it?

Charity:{Whispering to Loud}Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Loud: We'll find out in a minute.

Gene: Quiet! You three do as you will with the Warners, I've done my part for you, and you've done your part already by getting me up here.{To his enemies}Now, unlike the last times I won't bother with closing lines to puncuate your end so I'll just get it over with now.

{Gene's robotic hands disappear inside his arms and before a weapon can come out, Loud speaks}

Loud: WAIT! Before you kill us, let me ask you something. You do know your friend Vincent Morre, the Peter Lorre/Vincent Price lookalike who was your partner from the last time we met, is dead, right? And doesn't that make you feel bad he's not here and never will be to see you finally kill us?

Gene: I hate to say you're right, but you are. He was the only one that really understood me, I wish he could be here to see this.

Loud: There there, I can't consult you, but I know someone who can. You don't know him, but he probably knows you better than anyone.{Calls to the audience}HEY MR HACKMAN, COULD YOU COME UP HERE PLEASE?!

{Someone then comes on stage: it's none other than veteran actor Gene Hackman, the voice of Gene Burrows. The audience claps his arrival}

Hackman:{Looking at Gene the robot}Well well, for a while I thought I could actually escape having to meet the character I gave my voice to, but from what I've heard from Mr Dougherty, who got me in here, with these people that's not possible.

Gene: What exactly are you talking about, stranger?

Hackman: Is that any way to greet the man who did your voice?

Gene: What?!

Yakko:{To Charity}Um, why are you using that old "voice actor talking to his creation" bit?

Charity: As an answer, do you see those holes in his arms?{She points to holes in Gene's arms where his hands should be}

Yakko: Yes, but....oh, oh I think I got what you're doing! And I think I know how to get rid of the others when we're done with him!

{The Warners leave with no objections, for the other three baddies are completly absorbed in the two Genes' conversation}

Hackman: How else do you think you can so easily convince people to follow your orders? It's because you're such a strong speaker, and I'm the reason for that!

Gene: Okay, someone's getting a big egotistical. And I still say you're doing a cheap impersonation of me, out with it!

Hackman: Oh, this from someone who can't even think of an original design for his robot body, that spells "Terminator" ripoff all over it!

Gene: Hey, I did my best with the parts I had!

{While he's arguing, Wakko comes up behind him, holding two lit dynamite sticks, and puts them carefully into the two holes in his arms, they fit perfectly}

Gene: I should just do away with you now, you wannabe of me!

Sheryl: A: nice rhyme, and B: have you looked at your arms recently?{Gene finally does and sees the dynamite sticks}

Gene: What, what is this?!{The Warners come back on stage}

Dot: We had plently of time while you were distracted to give you a little fashion with these residents of Slappy's endless collection of dynamite.{Slappy comes on stage}

Slappy: Ah, whatever. I needed something to do, even if it is another flipping Final Confrontation™ which shouldn't even be in a show like this, but these explosives _are_ a bit more cleverer than usual.

Gene: You can't do this, I'm not a cartoony villain, I can't be destroyed this way, I'm far too good for that!{He raises his arms and some scissors come out from his back and try to cut the strings...but the strings don't come off}Now what, why aren't the strings gone?!

Slappy: Ha! It's the newest model of ACME dynamite, with strings that can't be cut off! Another example of the greatness of my decision to join the Explosives of the Month club.

Moe: Uh oh, he's about to go sky high---let's get out of here!

Loud: DUCK AND COVER!!!{Everyone does}

Gene: Go ahead and live now, but don't get too comfortable! I'll be brought back to life again eventually and I'll finish the job!{Dramatic}Do you hear me?! I'm someone that can never be permanently disposed, even if it takes 100 years, I will have my re-{he's cut off as the dynamite finally goes off and he explodes. His metal remains and all his weapons are all that's left. The audience claps}

Robert: Phew, thank goodness, now I don't have to live with the guilt that we were all done in by the evil character I created.

Craig: Hold it, what about the characters the rest of us and Matt Groening created, look at those weapons still on stage that they're getting! Hmm, that must be the first time I said a non-silly or idiotic line.

{Sure enough, the three still standing antagonists are surrounding the weapons left from the blast}

Mikey: Whoa, look at these weapons! Aren't they pretty much the ones we had at the beginning?

Moe: Never mind, we have our opening, now let's take advantage!{Points to the Warners who are back on stage}Get them!

Yakko: Ahhhhh, why don't you wait a few more seconds so we can get ready?{Moe grabs them by the ears and holds them up in the air}

Moe: How about not?{Picks up some of the weapons}You know, I always threaten that punk kid who always crank calls me that I'm gonna kill him. Well, he's not here now, so I guess you'll have to make good replacements!

Sheryl: Hey, what about us, we want our share in this!

Moe: You will, I'm just gonna start it off, you can finish it.{To himself}Heh, suckers. This is all mine!

{Before Moe can do his business, a voice interrupts}

Voice: Hold it right there!

[All turn around, to see approaching the stage is none other than the writers, with the voice belonging to...]


SHARKLADY: Just wanted to voice something, [rolling her eyes] before this stupid Final Confrontation™ begins...Moe, your treatment of aquatic life just simply *appalls* me! *How* could you treat a baby killer whale in such a manner for *profit* as you did in that "X-Files" crossover episode?!

MOE: Hey, hey, look lady, I was just tryin' to make a livin'! Ya know how much Barney's beer tab is costin' me?!?

SHARKLADY: [Frowns] *Likely* story...

MOE: Besides, who's gonna notice if little Shamu's missin', anyway? It's not like he was doin' anything back at Sea World besides jumpin' through hoops for a bunch of dopey tourists...hey, maybe I should take that big-headed mouse ya likes so much off your hands--how much ya think Eli Lilly would pay fer some grumpy-lookin’ rat like that ta test Prozac on?!

SHARKLADY: [Narrowing her eyes] Normally I'd share Brain's distaste for such pointlessly violent acts as these Final Confrontations™ seem to provide...but in *this* case, Brain and I’d probably make an exception...

BRAIN: [Annoyed] *Agreed*, Sharklady...in the words of a wise man--*GET THEM*!

YAKKO: No problem!

MOE: OK, then, puppy-brats...it's *payback time*! Prepare to eat, uh... [looks at his weapon] whatever it is this thing shoots out! I dunno, maybe phasers or photons or gamma rays or somethin'...

[The characters gulp]

WAKKO: What'll we do, Yakko?

YAKKO: I think I have an idea... [Whistles; we see walking out onto the stage Dr. Zoidberg and Bender...]

MOE: Hey, hey, what the *heck* is goin' on?!

YAKKO: We thought we could use a little hand in defeating you and those two losers...*so*...Bender?

BENDER: No problem! [Holds out his claw, and coughs; Yakko places a wad of cash in it. Bender takes it, grins gleefully, and puts it in his torso.] OK, here goes...hey, Zoidberg! Those losers think your act *really* stunk earlier on tonight! And they also think those sandals you wear are *really* stupid!

ZOIDBERG: *WHAT*?! Make fun of my *footwear* and cleverly written dialogue, will you?! [Begins clasping his claws, and making growling noises, Zoidberg charges at the two New Yorker thugs; a fight cloud begins breaking out, as Moe drops his gun.]

MOE: Hmph...you losers and that stupid crab might've stopped *those* guys, but not *me*!

YAKKO: Oh, but we have something *really* special for you, Mr. Grouchy-Face...

MOE: Ooh, ooh, lemme guess: *ninja-thugs*? Oh, no, wait...wacky objects dropped, or uh, *more* explosives, or using stupid pop culture references or something...oh, it's gonna be *so* original, I'm just shakin' in my shoes...

DOT: Actually, we were thinking of all of the *above*...is *that* original enough?

MOE: Um...I don't think you bums have actually *combined* them all before, but...

WAKKO: *Faboo*! Then let's do it!

YAKKO: [Yelling above] *HIT IT*!

MOE: Huh?

[Moe looks up, and we see a ninja-thug drop down from above; the thug begins making several blows to the bartender's torso, knocks the gun out of his hand, and finally sticks a "I LUV SHAMU" bumper sticker over his forehead. Moe staggers a bit, but begins growling, and charges at the Warners. The Warners pull a rope, and drop a statue of Jebediah Springfield on Moe, stopping him cold. Moe eventually climbs out of the statue, only to see Brain standing in front of him...]

BRAIN: Try to sell *me* as your next money-making scheme, will you? Even if you *do* share the same first name as the individual who imitates my voice so well, why don't you try a taste of what those scientists subject me to?

MOE: [Groggily] Oh, yeah? Like *what*?!

BRAIN: Like *this*... [Brain pulls a lever, and instantly, Moe drops through a trap door, into the hastily-reassembled CGI pinball machine set up below. Brain pulls another lever, and pinballs begin whizzing about...Moe tries to dodge them, but is run over several times, with Moe yelling "Ow! My pancreas!" on one occasion.]

[On the stage, Zoidberg finally flings the two New Yorker thugs onto the floor in a furious motion; however, he accidentally knocks them into the detonator for the explosives...]

SLAPPY: Um...guys? We'd better get off stage...

YAKKO: Why? The detonator batteries don't work, remember?

SLAPPY: Well, they didn’t *until* I rigged it up with some good old fashioned ACME-brand alkaline batteries awhile ago...and I was hopin' to use it for my *own* explosive "finale", hmph...

[The characters all race off the stage, just as Mikey and Sheryl's eyes widen at the sound of the sizzling fuse...down below, Moe hears the same noise admist pinball dodging, and groans]

MOE: Oh, *mama*...

[From the audience's perspective, we see an earth-shattering KA-BOOM! The stage is destroyed in the blast, as we see flying into the air Mikey and Sheryl, along with Moe (riding on top of the Jebediah Springfield statue) and the CGI pinball machine... Mikey and Sheryl yell, "We're pulling a ÔTeam Rocket’ agaaaaaiiiin...." before vanishing out of sight, and Moe yells, "I'll get you ya lousy puppy-brats! You, and that ninja-guy, and that Sharklady woman, *and* that large-headed rat! Well, maybe not that Sharklady woman, but the *rat*, definitely!" before vanishing...]

[Cut back to the front of the now-decimated stage, where we see the heroes all cheer...Dot whips out another Harley, and hands it to Slappy.]

DOT: For that inspired combination of explosives with old Final Confrontation™ tactics, I award this Lifetime Achievement Award to *you*!

SLAPPY: [Taking the award] Now *that's*...unfiltered Internet entertainment! Heh, heh!

BRAIN: Indeed...not that I like the idea of Moe coming after *me*, as if *two* versions of Wally Faust, a criminally insane canine from the future, and descendants of Snowball weren't enough to worry about...

SHARKLADY: Don't worry, Brain...I'm sure you'll think of something in a pinch! You always do!

BRAIN: [Perks up a bit] Well, I *do* try my best against whatever the writers throw against me...and "trying" is an appropriate word for these story events...

[Axel walks up to the group]

AXEL: Aww, and I was hopin' to arrest those (bleep)in' New Yorker thugs...anyway, who the (bleep) is this ninja-thug?

NINJA-THUG: Well, since you asked so *nicely*... [Yanks off his mask, to reveal...]


BUGS: Well, I figured it's high time I had *some* bigger part in all of these stories...

BRAINATRA: *True*...at least it gave this Final Confrontation™ *some* originality...and Moe's probably been blown clear back to [Rolls his eyes and makes quote marks with his fingers] "Sprungfield" by now, with that stupid Catty....Wordy...Pretty...Birdie...Big Cartooney...Copa Cabana ...Whatever...Show...pinball machine.

YAKKO: C'mon, let's get the final award for Best Fanfic over with so we can get outta here!

DOT: Sure!

[Pan over to see Wakko's annoying Axel with his gookie-faces]

WAKKO: Can't we annoy Axel for awhile?

DOT: Sorry, but for *once*, ending this thing's taking priority over that...maybe later...

WAKKO: Awww...

CRAIG: [With a pile of song sheets] I'm about finished with the big song number, just as soon as you guys are ready...

[The Warners walk back to what's left of the stage, which is being rebuilt at super-speed by Speedy Gonzales, the Road Runner (both wearing stage hand uniforms), Superman, and the Flash...]


SARAH: Nearing the end, folks...our esteemed judges are putting their heads together, and they agree that there are a lot of worthies, but only one can make final cut. [walks down the aisle, holding mike cord in hand] It's the fianl hour. Are our writers nervous? Who knows?! After so much waiting, perspiration, pain, pride, and celebrity cameos...following this brief musical number, we'll all find out. This is Sarah Coopersmith-Fitzwarren-Goldenheimer-Stein, reporting live at the Artemis Theater.

[Cut back to the Warners on the newly-rebuilt stage...]

Yakko: Did she just say "musical number"?

Wakko: Yes!

Dot: Is it going to be Craig's musical number?

Yakko: No, you'll have Captain Caps to blame for this one!

[Cut to Caps in the audience, drinking from a bottle of Evian.]

Captain Caps: Actually, I think you're going to like this one! I've decided to combine my musical tastes with Brainatra's, and I came up with this!

Brainatra: (Engrossed in a "Superman Adventures" comic until he heard this) My musical tastes? What do you know about that?

Captain Caps: You'll see! Ladies and gentlemen, courtesy of the Histeria time machine and straight from the swingin’ sixties---*Diane Russ and the Sublimes*!

[All cheer, including Pinky...]

PINKY: Yeah! Wooo! We love you, Diane! [Billie eyes Pinky warily...]

[Diane Russ and the Sublimes step out onto the stage...]

Diane: Are you ready for a good time? Then here we go! (The song "You Keep Me Hanging On" plays in the background.) (Singing) End this show, why don't you, babe?/ We've got a life, you all know, babes/ We want this whole darn thing to end/ (The other Sublimes start their background) We're tired of hanging on/

[Dr. Brown's DeLorean time machine lands on the stage, and out steps late-60s/early-70s rockers Vanilla Fudge. ]

Brainatra: *Sigh*....I won't even *ask*...apparently, Caps hasn't heard of the Who...

Slappy: Who?

Brainatra: [Buries face in hands] Not *that* tired "Abbott and Costello" bit again...

[Back to the stage]

VF Lead Singer: (Singing) End right here, and right now, babe/ If you don't, I'll have a cow, babe/ I'm really tired/ I don't want to hanging on/

[Suddenly, the time-travelling telephone booth from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" lands on the stage, and out steps 1980’s era pop singer Kim Wilde.]

Kim: (Singing) What's with never-ending stories/ with characters all left and right/ If you want to print a story out, it's going to take all night/ They've created some of the longest stories in history/

The Sublimes: Set us free, why don't you babe?

VF Lead Singer: Just let us be, why won't you, babe?

Kim: You're gonna send us to an early grave!

The Sublimes, VF lead singer and Kim: We're tired of hanging on!

Kim: We're so awfully tired!

The Sublimes: Tired of hanging on!

VF Lead Singer: Epidemics of stupidity/ Pop-cult references and special friends/

Kim: It sends us all around the bend!

The Sublimes: It'll happen again and again/ Whoa-oh-oh/ Whoa-oh-oh/ Whoa-oh-oh/ Whoa-oh-oh/ Yeah!

VF Lead Singer: Just end/ Just end it all/ I wanna sleep tonight/

Kim: We're just too darn tired!

The Sublimes: Tired of hanging on!

Kim: They still care about the Warners 3!

VF Lead Singer: The Brain, Billie and Pink-y!

The Sublimes: They've all been given the boot/

Kim: But these fans want to hold on to ye! (Gestures to the Warners)

VF Lead Singer: They give all of themselves!

The Sublimes: Even in stories put on the shelves!

All: Even so, it must end, babe/ I'll still be your friend, babe/ But you keep on writing/ And we're tired of hanging on/ Why don't you be cool about it?/ Just set us free/ Yeah, you do care a lot about us/ But let us be/ Set us free/ End it all/ End it all now/ Let us sleep at night/ 'Cause we're all tired/ Tired of hanging on! (A guitar crescendo plays in the background)

Diane: Thanks for your support, and we'll see you all again in a few decades!

[The singers all walk off-stage...cut to Brainatra.]

Brainatra: [Nods] *Different*... [Goes back to reading his comic]

[Pan to Captain Caps, chatting with Doc Brown and Bill and Ted...]

Captain Caps: Thanks for your assistance! That musical number may have been my best yet!

Doc Brown: Don't give yourself too much credit! I'm the one who had to go back in time 30 years to get those old rock and roll musicians for this ceremony...*and* make sure the space-time continuum isn't damaged in any significant way by bringing them here!

Bill: Whoa, Doc! Your attitude is bogus!

Ted: Yeah, be excellent to Captain Caps! He and Brainatra are neck and neck in the race to be the biggest "Back To The Future" fan! (Pan over to see they’re trying to get photos of each other sitting at the wheel of the Doc’s DeLorean)

Doc Brown: Very well...if they enjoyed our adventures so much...

Bill: Yeah! Say, isn't Poison supposed to be playing around here!

Ted: Yes!

Bill and Ted: EXCELLENT! (They play air guitar with guitar noises in the background)

Doc Brown: Hmm...perhaps I should inform Marty about this...I hear that Huey Lewis and the News are that Poison group's opening act...

Captain Caps: Aaah...celebrities! Gotta love 'em!

[Cut back to the main room of the Artemis Theater...we see that the whole crowd, finally awake, are all abuzz, looking *quite* impatient...]

[On stage, we see the Warner Sibs walk out...]

YAKKO: Oh-kay, those Sublimes were simply....aaaaahhh...

WAKKO: Temptations?

DOT: Supreme?

WAKKO: Uh...Isley Brothers? [Yakko and Dot stare at him] Sorry...

YAKKO: Uh, yeah. Anyway, it's the moment you've all been waiting for, folks...

AXEL: [Yelling from off-stage] Get to the *winner*! This thing's run on so (bleep)in' *long*, my boss just called and told me if I'm not back in Detroit soon, I'm gonna get my (bleep)in' pay docked!

SUPERMAN: [Also from off-stage] Mr. Foley’s right...some of us *do* have *day jobs*...

BRAIN: Or *night* jobs...

STEWIE GRIFFIN: [Seated in the back of the theater] Yes, *already*! Get to the bloody *winner*! [We see Buttons wander too close to Stewie] [Stewie whips out a laser weapon] Get away from me, *Rin Tin Tin*! [Zaps Buttons, who's fried to a crisp] [Eyes narrowed] *Stupid mongrel*! [Sees Mindy wander past, and fries her as well] You, too, Little Orphan Dummy! [Laughs] Ooh, "Little Orphan Dummy"...I’ve got to write that one down! [Whips out a pad and crayon, and does so...]

TAZ: [Finally finished with eating his seat] *BLACKACKURGH!* *Win-ner*! *NOW*!

[The audience all begins chanting for the winner...]

DOT: Guess we'll get right to it, then...out of all possible fanfic stories to date, the winner of the Harley Award for "Best Fanfic" award is...

[Cut to a shot of several fanfic characters in the audience, in seperate boxes: one with "our" Melissa Lamsen, looking excited, one with Dudley Puppy, looking nervous, one with Snowflake, scowling at the camera, and one with Axel, calculating how much pay he might get docked...]

YAKKO: ... [Reading the card, tossing it over his shoulder] "Circle Closing In"! Let's give a hand to this final award's acceptor, the *Brain*!

[Brain walks out onto the stage, accepting his award...]

BRAIN: Thank you all very much. It gives me great pleasure to accept this award...despite the presence of a veritable *rogue's gallery* of enemies of mine in the audience...

[We see Stewie Griffin, Dudley Puppy, Snowflake, Zalgar, the owner of Scuz Studios, and (on the video screen in a split-screen effect) both versions of Wally Faust in their respective prisons, are all booing...]

BRAIN: ...and while certain members of our "allies" seem bent on performing the most *inane* tricks and gimmickery with the space-time continuum...

[Cut to the Warners, grinning slyly at Axel Foley, Mr. Plotz and Mr. Director, who all gulp]

BRAIN: ...and also despite my having travelled through time, travelled to alternate Earths, and dealing with everything from rogue grade-B studio directors to space aliens to holiday-themed plots to playing superhero, there's one thing I enjoy *most of all* about all these "outings" of ours...

PINKY: [From off-stage] Um...what's that, Brain? POIT!

BRAIN: [Flatly] The part labelled "The End"... [Walks off stage to applause] Come, Pinky, Billie, we must return to the lab and prepare for [Glances at the clock] *TONIGHT*?!?

PINKY: Why, Brain? What're we going to do, er, tonight?

BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky... [Groans, touching the sides of his head] Taking a *long* bath *and* several aspirin, and then... *TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD*!!! ...and returning these tuxedos to the rental office before the store closes.

PINKY: YAY! [The mice walk out of the theater, pulling a wagon containing their Harley awards ...the closing "Pinky and the Brain" theme plays...]

[The Warners walk back out onto the stage...]

YAKKO: And now, to finish this thing off...

[The audience goes beserk at the thought of being kept for a single picosecond longer than necessary]

DOT: *Ahem*... [They stop going wild] Thank you. And *now*...the *other* moment you've all been waiting for, Craig's big *musical finale*!

[To applause, the writers march out onto the stage in a chorus line, the guys in their tux, with top hats to boot!--the gals in their gowns.]

ALL: (to the tune of "One")
Two...places simultaneous
Ev’ry cheap gag we reuse
Characters...popping up extraneous
Ev’ry cliché we abuse
Thirty-nine...characters, and suddenly, anything else would suffice
If you think you’ll never be bored
Then just think twice

One coffee-driven rampage
And you can forget the best
'Cuz you know ignorance leads to bliss, sis
Oh, my, we just want attention

DOT: [Spoken]: Ignore them and they’ll go away.

ALL: That, or, unconditional pension

YAKKO: [Spoken; ‡ la Groucho]: How much do you get paid not to practice?

It’s been done!

[Romey walks out into the front with a mike, and the spotlight falls on him. The orchestra yields to a sole piano.]

If I ruled the world
Every day would be the first day of spring
Every heart would have a new song to sing
And they’d sing of the joy every morning would bring
If I ruled the world...

[The orchestra suddenly explodes into a rock-ish beat. Sharklady begins to sing in a rather bouncy style. The rest of the so-called writers do backup.]

They took all the trees, put ‘em in a tree museum
And they charged the people a dollar and a half just to see ‘em
Don’t it always seem to go that you don't know what you’ve got
‘Til it’s gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

[Without stopping a beat, the orchestra swells and Dr. Belch steps forward and dances in a macho way as he sings...]

There is nothin’ like a dame
Nothing in the world
There is nothin’ you can name
That is anything like a dame

[We zip o’er to Craig, who begins to--guess what?--sing, as the orchestra slows into a lazy but steady calypso-style beat.]

Ain’t got no cash, ain’t got no style
Ain’t got no gal to make you smile
Don’t worry
Be happy

In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry, you make it double
Don’t worry
Be happy

[Dot & Siren come up out of the stage on a rising pylon, as seen at rock concerts and such. The band gets a very funky thing going as the two run a duet, because this interlude is long enough without giving them both separate songs...sorry, guys.]

I come home in the morning light
My momma says, when you gonna live your life right?
Oh, mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones
Oh, girls just wanna have fuh-un
Oh, girls just wanna have fun

[The spotlight swings over to the side of the stage, as the band starts up with a little Italian beat. We see Capt. Caps and Robert standing behind the curtain, both in red-and-white pinstripe suits and straw hats. Caps is yelling at some guy about refusing to do this number, Robert simply shrugs at us. The guy shouts, "Yer on!" and shoves the two out. They do their number, the former under obvious protest.]

I eat tanta pasta twice
Just because she is so nice
The waitress at the pizzeria

And if she’ll be-a
My cara mia
Then I’ll join in matrimony
With the girl who serves spumoni
And Angelina will be mine

[As the orchestra slows to a pop ballad-type beat, Brainatra steps up and begins singing...wheee!]

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people

Living for today
Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will beeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaas...

[As he sings the last line, it seems that he’s going to segue into "one," leading back into our spoof of said song. Instead, everyone pipes up...]

SEVERAL...Final Confrontations™
Try it, fall into the trap
Time and...space manipulation

AXEL: Over and over, it’s all the same (bleep)!

WAKKO: [Spoken]: Hey, that doesn’t rhyme with "trap"!

AXEL: [Spoken]: I thought the script said "pit"...?

YAKKO: [Spoken]: Try coming to rehearsals.

Some...shadow-ensconsed villain and suddenly no other kind will serve
Before he can unmask himself
Wing a plot curve
A couple...of long and pointless epics

And you can forget the best
'Cuz foolishness leads to glee, see?
Though we’re beyond comprehension
Don’t take us in apprehension
Be not a slave to convention
No, there can be no prevention

BRAINATRA: Let’s send Brain to another dimension!

But, heck, they’ve got good inteeeeentioooooooooooooooooooons...
It’s been fun!

[The audience gives a final round of applause...]

CRAIG: Ciao, everybody!

SHARKLADY: See you at the wrap party!

BRAINATRA: Can’t say it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven, ‘cause it hasn’t!

BELCH: If there are any eligible babes out there, my number is--[Gets cut off as the other writers carry him with them off-stage...cut back to the Warners at the podium.]

YAKKO: Well, that’s that...um...is there anything else?


DOT: Fine with me...*GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY*!

[The Warners wave, then race everyone else to the exits, as we see all manner of 'toons, villains, celebs, superheroes, 80's pop culture icons, etc. flow into the aisles heading for the doors...]

ANNOUNCER: [With an overhead shot of the theater] Thank you for tuning in for the first annual *HARLEY AWARDS*! Please stay tuned for a very special airing of "The Making of 'The Big Cartoonie Show'"... [Cue a still frame of some underpaid WB underling with scissors, glue, piles of videotaped A!/TTA/LT/PatB eps, and seated next to the CGI pinball machine]. So long, America!

[We hear closing orchestra music play, and finally cut to...]



CREDITS (Compressed to 1/3 of the screen as promos for "Pokemon" and "Max Steel" play throughout en masse...)


Announcer/Dudley Puppy: Jim Cummings

Yakko/Pinky/Dr. Scratchensniff/Sammy Melman: Rob Paulsen

Wakko/Walter Wolf: Jess Harnell

Dot/Billie/Babs/Wonder Woman/Pepper Mills/Empress Josephine: Tress MacNeille

The Brain/Taz: Maurice LaMarche

Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy

Loud Kiddington: Cody Ruegger

Charity/Joan of Arc: Laraine Newman

Various Award Show Singers/Dancers: The Artemis Theater Dancers

Various Award Show Production Staff: non-union workers

Superman: Tim Daley

Batman: Kevin Conroy

Minerva Mink: Julie Brown

Stacey Q: herself

Chicken Boo/Runt/Fetch/Father Time: Frank Welker

Daffy Duck/Speedy Gonzales/Sylvester: Joe Alaskey

Slappy Squirrel: Sherri Stoner

Christopher Walken: himself

Wally Faust/Wallace Faust/Charleton Woodchuck/Napoleon/Phineas Gage: Jeff Bennett

The Fanfic Writers:

Sharklady, Brainatra, Romey, beepbeep, Capt. Caps, Colin, Craig, Danielle B., Dr. BELCH, Robert, the Real-Life Dot, the Siren: Themselves

Hillary Swank: herself

Rock group Warrant: themselves

Dr. Laura: herself

The Omenex: various

Rupert Murdoch: himself

Stewie Griffin: Seth McFarlane

Tom Bergeron: himself

Bruce Vilanch: himself

Jerry Lewis: himself

Paul Rugg: himself

Mr. Director/Manny the Uncanny/Nostradamus/Mr. Sultana Sultana: Paul Rugg

Puff Daddy: Tracy Morgan

Molly Ringwald: herself

Cynthia Rothrock: herself

Sigourney Weaver: herself

Arnold Schwartzenegger: himself

Courtney Cox: herself

Snowflake: David Hyde Pierce

David Hyde Pierce: himself

David Spade: himself

Weird Al Yankovich: himself

Lydia Karaoke: Nora Dunn

Axel's Mama: Cranky

Axel's Papa: Ditto

Axel's Grandma: dated W.E.B. DuBois

Redd Foxx: R.I.P.

The Flash: Charlie Schlatter

Halle Berry: herself

Nathan Lane: himself

Moe Syzslak: Hank Azaria

Mikey: Andrew "Dice" Clay

Sheryl: Marisa Tomei

Reverend Smith: Avery Brooks

Paula Abdul: herself

James Gandolfini: himself

Mike Myers: himself

Steve Whitmire: himself

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: himself

Melissa Lamsen (both versions): Voted "Most Likely To Become a Secret Agent" by their high school classes

Eric Clapton: himself

Justine Bateman: himself

Kesley Grammar: himself

Patrick Stewart: himself

Karen: Cheryl Chase

Kirby: Not the comic book artist

Alex: Editing the "director’s cut" DVD edition of this awards show

Carrie: Promoting the cruddy-quality VHS version (taped over old copies of "Survivor")

Rico, Dre, and Whitey: guys Caps met in a strip mall parking lot

Lobo: the "Main Man"

Denzel Washington: himself

John Cleese: himself

Stevie Wonder: himself

Jay & Silent Bob: themselves

Max the Timecop: Jean Claude Van Damme

Buster: Charlie Adler

Moon Unit Zappa: himself

Samuel L. Jackson: himself

Rosie O'Donnell: herself

Sarah Coopersmith-Fitzwarren-Goldenheimer-Stein: Has a name as bad as TBCS’s

John F. Kennedy/Homer: Dan Castellaneta

Dolly Madison: *not* the cupcake maker

"Mama" Cass Elliot: R.I.P.

Prima: Name often mistaken for a pasta dish/late model sedan

Dweezil Zappa: himself

Ahmet Zappa: himself

Peter Ustinov: himself

Billy Idol: himself

Martha Quinn: herself

Bugs Bunny/Dr. Zoidberg: Billy West

Lola Bunny: Kath Souice

Rita: Bernadette Peters

Neil Armstrong: himself

Andy Kaufman: R.I.P.

Bender: John DiMaggio

Marisa Tomei: herself

Andrew "Dice" Clay: himself

Howard Stern: himself

Dr. Gene Burrows: Gene Hackman

Gene Hackman: himself

Paul Dini: himself

Doc Brown: Christopher Lloyd

Bill: Alex Winter

Ted: Keanu Reeves

Jade Starling: Herself

Alyssa Milano: Herself

Sarah Jessica Parker: Herself

Lori Singer: Herself

Don Knotts: Himself


Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Pinky, Billie, the Brain, Buster Bunny, Babs Bunny, Bugs Bunny, Lola Bunny, Father Time, Wally Faust, Loud Kiddington, Charity, Rita, Runt, the Tasmanian Devil, Snowball, Minerva Mink, Chicken Boo, Daffy Duck, Slappy Squirrel, Mr. Director, Mr. Sultana Sultana, Speedy Gonzales, Nostradamus (H! version), Napoleon (H! version), Empress Josephine and Joan of Arc (H! versions), "Histeria", "Waynehead", "Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain", "Tiny Toon Adventures", "Looney Tunes", "Freakazoid", "The Cat and Bunny Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini Show", and all related characters and indica © 2000 by Warner Bros., used without permission.

Axel Foley © Paramount Studios, used without permission.

"Doc" Brown, The Klumps © Universal Pictures, used without permission.

Bill and Ted © Orion Pictures, used without permission.

Moe Syzslak, Barney Gumble, Milhouse, the "Simpsons", "Family Guy", Stewie Griffin, Bender, Dr. Zoidberg, "Futurama", and other related characters/indica © 20th Century Fox, used without permission.

Superman, Superboy, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, the Justice League of America, Aquarius the star-creature, Central City, the Justice Society of America © DC Comics/Warner Bros., used without permission.

Pokemon © Nintendo, used without permission.

McDonald's © McDonald's Corporation, used without permission.

"Sanford and Son" © Columbia TriStar Television, used without permission.

"The Sopranos" © Home Box Office, used without permission.

DeLorean © John DeLorean/DeLorean Motor Company, used without permission.

"One" by Marvin Hamlisch and Ed Kleban.

"If I Ruled the World" by Cyril Ornadel and Lelie Bricusse.

"Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell.

"There is Nothin’ Like a Dame" by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein III.

"Don’t Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin.

"Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper.

"Angelina" by Louis Prima.

"Imagine" by John Lennon.

Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.

Batman created by Bob Kane.

Wonder Woman created by William Moulton Marston.

All referenced fanfic stories written by Sharklady, Capt. Caps, Romey, Craig Marinaro, Beepbeep, Brainatra, Flaminchicken, Robert, Danielle B., Dr. BELCH, and/or the Siren, used with permission.

Alex, Melissa Lamsen, Elfy, Dudley Puppy created by Brainatra.

Snowflake, Desi created by the Siren.

Rico, Whitey, Dre, Mikey, Sheryl, Carrie created by Capt. Caps.

The Omenex created by DanielleB.

Dr. Gene Burrows created by Robert.

Time Travel Courtesy Of:
Dr. Emmett L. Brown
The Histeria! time machine
Timecop Authorities
Brain's intercosmic diametric transposer

Dimensional travel courtesy of:
Brain's intercosmic diametric transposer (PINKY: Wooo...it does two jobs at once! BRAIN: *Groan*...)

The Harley Awards were:
Made in China

Day Traders' Anonymous member:
Foamy the Freakadog

Catering provided by:
Hubie, Bertie, and Claude Cat

Recycling supervised by:

Recycled stock footage/fanfic clips by:
Kids' WB

Award show theme music produced by:
Capt. Caps

Snowflake's speechwriter:

Dr. Burrows' speechwriter:

Coffee sales supervised by:
The Real-Life Dot

Artemis Theater historical trivia by:

Lydia Karaoke

Censored Material:

Sharklady's Travel Courtesy of:
Fly-By-Nite Airlines

Special effects by:
Some guy with too much time on his hands

Presented in:
Brainophonic Sound™ (where available)

Schedule for Upcoming Artemis Theater Events:
Sunday: cleanup from the ceremony/settling multiple lawsuits
Monday: fumigation for bugs
Tuesday: misc. repairwork from the ceremony begins (expected time to completion: 6 months)
Wednesday: Diane Russ and the Sublimes debut concert (w/o the real Sublimes, but it's still the same...uh...sort of...er..um..look, just buy the ticket, alright?!)
Thursday: taping of "It's Showtime At the Artemis" (special guests: Axel Foley, Cree Summers. Amateur night guests: the Warners, Dr. Zoidberg)
Friday: The Great Wakkorotti: Live
Saturday: Opening its off-off-Broadway run: "Ducklahoma: the Musical", directed by Buster Bunny, starring Plucky Duck (anvils sponsored by: ACME, Inc.)
Sunday: stage repairwork (from the anvils used in "Ducklahoma")
following Monday: *nothing*...geez!


[As we see the audience continue to file out the Artemis Theater, we cut to the behind the Theater, where we see some "unfinished" Final Confrontation™ business of one character's *own* is about to occur...]

NATHAN LANE: OK, Mr. so-called "Director"! Either get the big boys at the (mockingly) "dubba dubba" WB to reinstate my film, or *else*!

DIRECTOR: Or else *what*, Mr. man with the overweight physique?

LANE: Or else I'll release...*them*!

[Lane points to someone standing behind him...out walks none other than "The Critic"'s very own Jay Sherman]

JAY: Hello there, you pompous windbag!

MR. DIRECTOR: [Shrieks] How'd you, with the thing, and the critic, man who gives opinions, do---?!? Oooh, this is *bad*!

LANE: If you won't listen to me, Sherman here'll change your tune...along with a few of his *friends*!

[Also stepping out from nowhere, behind Sherman are Roger Ebert, Rex Reed, Leonard Maltin, and any other critic this side of the USA TODAY...]

SHERMAN: We have a few things to discuss, Mr. "Director"...like a certain foul-mouthed comedian being allowed to remake one of your supposedly "humorous" films! Quite frankly, Axel Foley in the "Nutty Professor"?!? *IT STINKS*!

[As the critics all swarm in on Mr. Director, Mr. D utters a feeble "this is *bad*..."]

LANE: Hmm, speaking of "bad", I wonder what happened to that stupid computer-generated pinball machine? And that "Moe" guy?

[As if in answer, cut to the North Tacoma town of "Sprungfield", as we see in an overhead shot that the town's still recovering from its post-nuclear destruction in "The Warners Meet the Simpletons". As that bell-chime music plays, we cut to a shot of what's passing for Moe's Tavern: a lean-to-like shack with a sign reading "Moe's Cavern" on it. We also see the Jebediah Springfield statue's embedded up to its head in front of the "Cavern". Moe walks out, and looks at it]

MOE: Aw, *geez*! We can't even do a freakin' "Planet of the Apes" thing right *here*! This statue's supposed to be *huge*!

GOMER: [Stopping in front of the statue] Aw, I knew I shouldn't have comedically and cowardly ran from the power plant! [Yelling skyward] YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DARRRRN YOU...DARRRRRN YOU ALL TO HEEEECK! [Sobs briefly, then heads inside]

MOE: Aw, geez, now those losers made *Gomer* cry! Oooh, when I get my hands on them, I'm gonna...[Looks at his watch] Hey, gotta open up the "bar"'s newest attraction!

[Moe walks off...cut to a short while later, as we see out behind the bar is the hastily-reassembled CGI pinball machine, with a sign reading "1 PLAY FOR $5, 3 FOR $10, PROFITS TO REBUILD MOE'S BAR". We see a line of people in front of the pinball machine, including MAYOR DIMBY, MILHOUSE (or whatever his "Simpletons" name is), BARNEY (or whatever his "Simpletons" name is), MR. BYRNES and SMITHEE, among others... cut to the inside of the pinball machine, as we see that Gomer's inside, running from the whizzing pinballs and shrieking like mad]

GOMER: *AAAH!* Aw, I thought this was supposed to be *fun*! Instead, it's just "high scoring *danger*!" [Sees a pinball coming] *WAAAH*!

[Cut back to Moe...we hear a crunching sound from the machine]

MOE: Hey, hey, Gomer, ya get run down, yer game's over!

GOMER: [From the machine] *D'oh*!

[A man in a delivery outfit walks up]

MAN: "Federal Excess" delivery to Moe Syzslak! [Moe takes the package]

MOE: Gee, wonder what it's about... [Opens the envelope] "Dear Mr. Syzslak: This is a bill for the use of our CGI pinball machine...please remit the following fee for its usage. If not paid in full, we will confiscate the machine. Signed, WB General Property Management" Lessee what it costs....[Reads the bill fee] *YAAAAAH*! THAT MUCH?!?

[Moe drops to his knees, and yells skyward, clutching the paper in his fist]


[Cut to a shot of Moe's Cavern, as closing "Simpsons"-esque music plays...]

[Cut to a full pan of the Artemis Theater, now darkened and empty, its seats and floors littered with trash. In the very back of the theater, a soft glowing light penetrates the gloom. Four SPIRITS appear--the ghosts of MEL BLANC, TEX AVERY, LEON SCHLESSINGER, and JACK WARNER. These ghostly worthies solemly applaud, nodding and smiling to one another, as if to say, "These kids done good."]

[Cut to the Water Tower, the day after the Harley Awards. Inside, we see Yakko, Wakko and Dot, adrift in Dreamland, and mumbling with vague coherence.]

Yakko: Not the comfy chair!

Dot: What do you mean you have no cheese? Why call it a cheese shop then?

Wakko: We are the Knights Who Say "NI!"

Yakko: Nudge nudge, wink wink!

[Cut away from this "Monty Python's Flying Circus" reference-filled scene to ACME Labs. Brain is soaking in a dollhouse-sized bathtub filled with Epsom salts.]

Brain: Pain, pain, go away, I want it to disappear today! Sitting for almost 24 hours, and suffering through unknown celebrities, poorly constructed musical numbers, 1980’s references, comic references...

Pinky: Don't worry, Brain! It's only a year until the next Harley Awards! NARF!

Brain: To paraphrase Slappy Squirrel, "Oy Vey!"

[Brain sinks into the bath...]

[Cut from ACME Labs to a shot of a country road, exterior. KAREN and KIRBY, a bit worse for the wear, amble along a dirt road past a cow pasture.]

KAREN: I don't get it, Kirb. Why does The Big Cartoonie Show get so little respect? Those writers at the Harley Awards never say its name right. Brainatra...Craig..Dr. Belch...every darn one of them takes a swipe at it and at us? [sobs] Why, Kirby? Why? Why don't we get any respect? [angry] Our show has it all! A little bit of everything rolled up and packaged nice and neat for them, so they don't have to run around and watch ten million shows to see their favorite cartoons, and those [bleep] [bleep] ungrateful [bleep]ing morons treat us like [bleep] on their boots! Why, for the love of Maurice Noble, *why*?

KIRBY [a little scared at her explosive and profane ouburst]: Karen! Calm down! You're swearing like a longshoreman!

KAREN [calm now]: I'm sorry. But why, Kirb? Why?

KIRBY: I've given it a lot of thought. One reason is that we don't refresh the water in the pool often enough. We cut and splice pieces of existing shows together to start with, but don't give them anything fresh and new since that--[makes retching noise] "Mask of Braino" short a year ago.

KAREN: Ah! I see.

KIRBY: We revamp the show after a year, but peter out fast and wind up in the rerun doldrums in two months, reshowing the same old drek ten billion times until the kids know each show by heart by the time they see that first title card. So what do they do? They either flip the channel or go back to bed. It doesn't help that in some markets the show runs at 6 AM.

KAREN [impressed]: Yeah? No fooling?

KIRBY: Add to that an unpronounceable mile-long title, and what do you have? Squadoo! I've arranged meetings with Kellner six times to talk over giving the show a major overhaul, but his secretary always says he's [mocking voice] at the dentist or gone to the doctor with an ingrown toenail or in the can because he ate some bad Thai food for lunch! The man's avoiding me, Kar.

KAREN: Wow. Kirby, I gotta hand it to you. You're pretty savvy about this biz. I always thought you were-- [fumbles for word]

KIRBY: A mook. I know. But that's just the act. Pure Stanislavski.

KAREN: You got any more dirt to spill?

KIRBY: Hmmmm. [looks from side to side] I've heard rumors--mind you, just rumors--that J.K.'s looking to buy 65 eps of the Tex Avery show for our time slot!

KAREN [excited]: Really?

KIRBY: Not the good one from Cartoon Network--the lame one with the stupid cowboy and that dumb Italian guy who dresses like a Roman soldier and doesn't speak English!

KAREN: Oh! [turns head offscreen and vomits]

KIRBY: They hate us, Karen. We don't show original cartoons, and we look like two-year-olds drew us. No one else on Kid's WB, or anywhere else, looks like us! Just once I want to see another cartoon character on *some* network who is animated in our style. Just one is all I ask!

[His prayer is answered. TIMMY, the mentally handicapped kid from "South Park", runs through in his motorized wheelchair, crushing KAREN and KIRBY with a sound like dried bugs being stepped on.]

TIMMY [enthusiastically babbles]: Timmy!!

KAREN [strained]: Ask and ye shall recieve, Kirbster.

KIRBY [also strained]: This...really...bent.

[A few more name credits roll, then....]

[Cut to DR. BELCH's house, interior. A card table. BELCH, FREUD, D.H. LAWRENCE, and EMPRESS JOSEPHINE are playing cards. Pan to a shot of the door. AS JOAN OF ARC returns from the powder room, the door bell rings. JOAN opens the door, and sees FETCH on the porch.]

JOAN: Mon dieu!

DR. BELCH: Who is it, Joanie?

JOAN: It's, like, a dog with some flowers for you!

FETCH: They ain't for him. They're for that girl the Doc told me about. She here?

DR. BELCH: Yep. Blossom! Your date's here!

[A black Lab enters the room. FETCH whistles approvingly. The two prepare to leave, then BLOSSOM turns her head and gives a sharp bark. Instantly ten small puppies bound into the room and follow their mother and FETCH outside. JOAN shuts the door, giggling.]

FETCH [from outside]: Hey, you ain't tell me she had kids! Open this door! Doc! You tricked me! I'm gonna bite you on your butt! Lemme in!

JOAN [still giggling]: Like, that was totally mean!

DR. BELCH: Now *that's*...comedy.

[Cut from Belch’s house to Axel Foley’s Detroit apartment. Axel is sitting down, sipping on a root beer, and playing darts with a picture of the current cast of "Saturday Night Live".]

Axel: (Bleep)! That (bleep)ing awards ceremony only reminded me of why I decided to leave the Big Apple!

[The phone rings.]

Axel: (Bleep), what is it now?

[Axel picks up the phone.]

Phone operator: Will you accept charges from Captain Caps?

Axel: Yes...I (bleep)ing guess!

[The screen splits in half, where we see Captain Caps drinking a Capri Sun at the 80s club. "People Are People" by Depeche Mode is playing the background.]

Captain Caps: Hey, Axel! How was the red-eye flight back to Detroit?

Axel: It (bleep)ing stank! I was stuck behind some collicky infant, stuck next to some fat (bleep) who took my peanuts, and forced to watch the movie "Battlefield: Earth"! Good (bleep)ing golly, that movie bit! I'll tell ya, Travolta's next flick better be (bleep)ing dynamite!

Captain Caps: Oh, yeah! "Lucky Numbers", a movie set in the 80’s!

Axel: You're gonna (bleep)ing love that, aren't you?

Captain Caps: Definitely! Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry for getting your generation definition wrong!

Axel: (Bleep), kid, I've forgotten about it! I understand. You're really (bleep)ing young, so you don't know that much yet! With age comes wisdom! Take it from me, Mr. "Golden Child-Harlem Nights-Vampire In Brooklyn-Metro"...Well, you get the (bleep)ing picture!

Captain Caps: Yes, I do! Well, I'm getting off the phone! Some ladies who are dressed like Cyndi Lauper in the video for "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" want to talk to me!

Axel: (Bleep)ing babe magnet, huh?

Captain Caps: Well, I have a girlfriend, so this is just conversation! Now, get some rest, and I'll see you in the next fanfic you're in and I have a hand in writing!

Axel: Sure (bleep)ing thing!

Axel and Captain Caps: Later!

[They hang up the phones...we then cut to a New York City jail. Our celebrities from the comatose-at-the-time-of-this-writing fanfic "Lethal Intellect" are sitting in a small cell.]

Molly: How am I going to tell my yet-to-be-born child that I spent a night in jail?

Puff Daddy: Just say you're sorry, and that you believe in God. Then, just curse and (bleep) and assault people and in general be a hypocrite! The public will love you if you follow that plan! Hey, I followed it, and look at me!

Molly: I'll pass, Mr. Unoriginality!

Puffy: (Bleep) you, you (bleep)ing (bleep)(bleep) (bleep)!

Arnold: Shut up, you two-faced girly man!

Puffy: (Bleep) you!

Cynthia: I should kick your sorry (bleep) for ripping off Duran Duran!

Sigourney: You should also be hurt for ripping off Pat Benatar!

Puffy: People love my music! It's cool and original! I'm a nice, decent, religious person! Praise the Lord!

Everyone else in the cell: Yeah...whatever!

Puffy: (Bleep) you, I'm a good (bleep)ing Christian! I believe in the (bleep)ing Lord!

[The rest of Mr. Comb’s cellmates exhibit decidedly non-pacifistic behavior, as they jump Puff Daddy and a fight cloud breaks out...as we see the guards rush to the cell to break things up, we cut to Loud Kiddington’s house, where we see Loud and Charity are putting their Harley Award on a shelf]

Loud:{Admiring the award}Well, I think everything went rather well tonight, this award does prove we can make just as big a positive influence on people as we can a negative one.

Charity: I really thought when Gene came back we'd be looking back on this much differently, but I'm glad we got rid of him quickly before anything bad happened.

Loud: I'm especially glad for that, I'm sure otherwise he would have found something that I did during the show to attack me with like he always does.

Charity: Hey, you didn't do anything bad that he would have used, well, I'm pretty sure he would have mentioned your first encounter with Mr Foley if he had the chance, but he didn't.

Loud: He always overanalyzed everything I did before to find some way to get the public against me, I'm just happy he didn't tonight.

Charity: If he did, I would have used every verbal and/or physical method to make him stop, because A. Those attempts are really getting old, B. it would serve as a message to anyone else still holding a grudge, and C....I just can't let him continue his propaganda against you, because, I love you.

Loud:{Sitting down on a couch with Charity and taking her hands}What a coincedence, I love you too.

Charity: Hmm, people would consider scenes like this too sappy, but then again, that award proves that some people don't mind.

[Outside, we see that through the window the two are kissing now. Across the street, Robert the writer is watching with a smile]

Robert: Ah, the joy of seeing a terrific idea for a story bring so much happiness. On that happy note, I'll leave them to their romantic interludes.

[He walks away down the street, but after a few seconds he begins to hear other sounds of someone walking. However, no one else but him is on the street, making him suspicious.]

Robert: Hello? Anybody here?

Voice: Only someone who knew you'd be here and found it a great setting to have a talk.[Coming into view is none other than....]

Robert: C-Christopher Walken!!

Walken:{In his real voice like in the Brain abduction scene}Hello, Mr Dougherty.

Robert: What, what are you of all people doing here?!

Walken: You are lucky enough to be the in the first of a series of meetings I plan to have with your fellow writers. I was at the awards show tonight as you know, and I first hand saw the love you have in making fun of me.

Robert: That's true, you should be glad, I mean for instance we took one of your characters who only appeared once or twice and turned him into a very popular recurring character all because he was characterized after you so well. That should be an honor.

Walken: It is, but I didn't finish. I was hoping to use this show as a vehicle to tell people that in case they forget, I am not who they think I am.

Robert: Oh, you mean you're not the eccentric, crazy guy you are in films?

Walken: Correct, I want to let all the people who've parodied me know that. I am hardly evil or scary, I have a wife, no one is scared to say hi to me, and I hardly go into creepy monologues like in Annie Hall, plus I can't even see the future a la The Dead Zone.

Robert: Heh, I know that, but others may find that hard to believe only because you've made such an memorable image of yourself as that kind of guy.

Walken: I know, and since you're one of the people on that Board who mention it most often, I wanted you to be the first to know that.

Robert: And I'm honored, really, I mean I'm a real big fan of your work. And notice how I didn't get scared when you said hello to me, my other friends probably would.

Walken: Thank you for mentioning the first part. Come with me, I'll give you a ride back home.

Robert: Actually, my home's 3000 miles from here in Philadelphia.

Walken: Then I'll give you a ride to the airport so you can buy tickets.

[The two go into a car nearby and Walken drives it away]

Walken: Actually, I do have something in common with one of my characters. Sometimes when I'm driving my car, I see an car on the other side of the road, and I truely do have the urge sometimes to...turn and crash into the other car. I can almost hear the crashing of metal, the breaking of glass, the food I bought at the store for my wife a few moments earlier falling and shattering onto the ground. Those are feelings I get often, like...right now for instance.{Points to a car coming on the other side of the road, Walken appears to be going towards it}

Robert:{Unbuckling his seat belt}Okay, I think I'm gonna be leaving right...now!

[He opens the door, gets out of the car and runs to the street, and then sees Walken coming back onto the right side of the road and not crashing into the car. Then he goes back on the other side and turns the car around, parking it in front of the street right near Robert]

Walken:{Laughing}Ha ha, I got you, didn't I, I really fooled you with that one! I've been waiting quite some time to do that, I mean if you can get laughs with my image, why can't I join in the fun?

Robert:{Weakly laughing}Heh, yes, well if there is one thing strange about you, Mr Walken, it's your sense of humor.{He gets back in the car and they drive away...}

[Speaking of Christopher Walken-derived characters, we fade from our plane of existence, and to the parallel world oh-so-conveniently-and-fanboyishly dubbed "Earth-2", upon which Wallace Faust resides...we cut to a federal prison on the East coast, where we see Faust is still in the same cell from "Brain of Two Worlds", with his lackey Damien sound asleep...he’s using a copy of the Metropolis "Daily Star" (with a photo of a thinly-disguised Brain-2 involved in some world-domination scheme on the front page) as a blanket.]

WALLACE: [Annoyed] Blast! I must escape from this cell and eke out my revenge on those years-old foes of mine...I thought for sure that after that insipid awards show, I'd garner enough "support" in making my escape from all those villains that showed up! Lousy ingrateful...

[Suddenly, we see a light shimmer inside Wallace's cell...the prison guard watching Faust races towards the cell door, but is knocked out by a blast of light...we see the light forms in the shape of a shadow-ensconsed figure...]

FIGURE: Wallace Faust! I have travelled across dimensional barriers to serve you this invitation to join the *new* villain revenge society! If you wish to join us in seeking revenge against those that have placed you in this wretched cell, merely give me your say-so!

WALLACE: Hmph...your offer is tempting, but how do I know this isn't a trick?! The last villain group I joined, it involved transplanting the friends of the *Brain* from their bodies into *Smurfs*, for crying out loud...and then we discovered the leader of the whole thing wasn’t really Kellner, but *Captain Kangaroo*! Of all the stupid, insipid, inane...

FIGURE: [Inquisitive] Um...you weren’t trying to place the characters inside Pokemon?

WALLACE: Of course not! [Pauses] Hmm...I can only assume that you hail from the Earth of that "other" Brain. Perhaps I *will* uptake your membership offer...just allow me the chance to, *ahem*, "relocate", and I’ll send you my full acceptance at a future date! [Darkly, with the Circle music playing] Soon, the *Brain* shall suffer greatly, and aid me in achieving my goals of taking over my *world*...and should his doppelganger try to *resist* me, well, he’ll be *sadly* remorseful for trying to do so.

FIGURE: Very well...I await your final answer! Goodbye for now, Wallace... [The figure vanishes; Wallace shakes his head, then wakes up his sleeping cellmate/lackey...]

WALLACE: Damien! Wake up! [Glances at the still-knocked-out prison guard] We must begin resuming our plans to achieve both world domination *and* revenge against the one called *the Brain*...

[Cutting back to our self-centeredly-dubbed world of "Earth-1" , we see the dark figure reveals itself to be...Dr. Laura. She whips out a clipboard with names written on it...]

DR. LAURA: Hmm...let's see, one name down, many to go...

[Glancing at the list of names, we see the paper's labelled "VILLAIN REVENGE SOCIETY - PROPOSED MEMBERSHIP ROSTER", with listed underneath it: Wallace Faust, Dr. Gene Burrows, the Omenex, Dudley Puppy, Walter Wolf, Karen, Kirby, Jamie Kellner (with a footnote reading: "the *REAL* Kellner---check to make sure it's not some orange dinosaur with a fake mask"), Moe Syzslak, Rupert Murdoch]

[Dr. Laura smiles sinisterly, then puts the board away]

DR. LAURA: That takes care of that...for *now*. Now, on to filming my new TV show... [She laughs sinisterly, as the music builds to a oh-so-dramatic crescendo...]

[Cut away from this villany, to a rather cramped work area, decorated with shark posters and stained glass hangings, with a fairly new Hewlett Packard computer on the desk. SHARKLADY enters, still wearing the green-and-blue evening gown, and toting a shopping bag full of Harley statuettes. After a quick sidestep into a closet to change into shorts and teeshirt, she reaches to a shelf over the desk, pushes some seashells and Jacque Cousteau books aside to clear a space, and proudly sets her Harleys there. She also reads over a handed-to-her-en-route-to-here telegram handed to her saying that she’s not needed in Alaska at this time, which she crumples up and tosses into the trash, along with a few dozen brochures from the Juneau, Fairbanks, and Nome tourism agencies.)

SHARKLADY: (smug) Now that I can add "Prize-Winning Writer" to my THEMESTREAM bio, that should *really* bring in the readers! (aside) It isn't like I've got to specify *what* prize.

(Sitting, she turns on the computer, punches up a well-worn bookmark, and commenses typing.)

SHARKLADY:(happy sing-song) Once I wrote a fanfic, and now it's done, Buddy, can you spare a dime...?

[Cut to one last scene...Brainatra at his computer. He’s staring at the very end of this thing, after having edited dozens and dozens of Warner assassination attemps, obscure/bizarre trivia references, crass off-color bits, an out-of-place-in-an-award-show Final Confrontation™, and fanboy/inside jokes...]

BRAINATRA: [Taking a swig of Coke] Good *lord*, this thing’s even longer than "Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas" was, or any *other* story to date! Guess it lived up to it being a parody of those awards shows’ length after all...but at least I get the satisfaction of finally typing...


[Brainatra slumps over his chair, passing out, as the final orchestra notes sound...we hear him mutter "A Capri Sun? Oooh, that’d be great...pass one on over...ack! Lousy flippin’ things! Can’t ever get the straw...in....now I remember why I always...drank...Hi-C...boxes...as a...kid...*snore*"...]

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