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Fan Fics

"Juvenile Dilemma"

Written by Matthew Hunter (a.k.a. BeepBeep), don Jaime, Brainatra, Jon Cooke, Thad Komorowski, and Pietro

(We open on a nice, suburban home, with a mailbox labelled "Granny." Once inside, we notice 2 cats, Sylvester and Sylvester Junior, sleeping by a fireplace.)

Sylvester: Son, this is the life. No more scrounging around in dumpsters for food, no more running for our lives through traffic...We have everything we need.

Junior: Yes, father, but we are missing one very important element of my childhood development here.

Sylvester (annoyed): What is THAT, Son?

Junior: I don't know how to stalk small animals and eat them.

Sylvester: Nonsense! We're HOUSECATS now! We don't need those skills.We have no reason to use them.

Junior: Then why did Granny find that mutillated mouse sitting on the doorstep yesterday? There aren't any other cats besides you around here who know how to do that.

Sylvester: That's called "gifts" son. It is done to flatter the management to get better treatment. They consider it "earning our keep."

Junior: She looked more freaked than flattered. Why don't you teach ME?

Sylvester: Because there aren't any TEACHING AIDES. The rodents around here are very crafty. not for smallfry novices like you.

Junior: What about that little canary that Granny keeps in that cage in the sitting-room? Could you use THAT?

Sylvester: THAT, son, is the best idea I've ever heard you come up with. If you want to start small, there's nothing smaller than a canary.

(Scene fades to Tweety, singing happily in his cage. We see Sylvester's face rise in the background, with a hungry look on it.)

Tweety: I tawt I taw a PUDDY TAT!!!

Junior: You did! You did see a pussycat! My father's teaching me to hunt BIRDS!

(Granny walks into the room - in her classic cartoon version.)

Granny: You durn old cat! I figgered you'd find my Tweety sooner or later! Don't get any ideas, or Hector here'll give ya what fer!

(With the threat of Hector, Sylvester and Junior slink away from Tweety's cage.)

Sylvester: If that barking buffoon is guarding the cage, we'll never get that Tweety Bird!

Junior: Than why don't you use some cliche-ridden cartoon gag-trick to lure him away?

Sylvester: Shut Up Junior, I'm thinking!

(An idea suddenly pops into Sylvester's head)

Sylvester: Say! what if I used some cliche-ridden cartoon trick to lure Hector away!? It's sheer genius! How did I ever think of it?

Junior: I'm not sure, father. It IS rather smart.

(Junior chuckles to himself. Then we fade to Hector, sleeping beneath the birdcage, which is hanging on a stand. Both Hector and Tweety are asleep. Sylvester sneaks up to the cage, being careful not to wake them.Tweety, in one of those instant wake-up takes, plucks one of his tailfeathers and tickles Sylvester on the nose.)

Sylvester: Ahhh...Ahhh..Aghhh....A-CHOOOOOO!

(Hector wakes up, sees what's going on and grabs Sylvester by the tail. Hector flings Sylvester accross the room, where Junior is watching.)

Junior: Gee, father! Didja get the bird?

Sylvester (brushes off, stands up, looks at Junior): Son, this is a cartoon. The censors won't allow such gestures.

(A disheveled mouse approaches Sylvester and Junior.)

Mouse: How dare you! You chewed me up and spit me out! You cathandled me and didn't even have the decency to finish
me off!

Sylvester: Well, I didn't catch you for my th-th-self. You are th-th-suppothsed to be a present for Granny.

Mouse: It's all the same to you cats. We mice are little, we can be picked on, we can chewed up and spit out and eaten and exchanged as presents! If I was a GIANT mouse, I'd....

Sylvester: (Picks MOUSE up by tail.) Here, th-th-son! You want to eat a th-small wild creature, eat this one!

Junior: Thanks, Pop! (Gulp!) Why'd you make me eat him, instead of leaving him for Granny?

Sylvester: When I here about anything involving giant mice anymore, I don't th-stop to think, I just swallow.

(Junior swallows the mouse)

Sylvester: How did he taste, th-th-son?

Junior: Not very good. I sure hope Tweety birds are better!

Sylvester: Couldn't tell you, th-son.

Junior: WHAT?!? You've never eaten a Tweety bird?

(Junior puts a paper bag over his head.)

Junior: I'm so ashamed!

Sylvester: Aw, come, now, son!

(Sylvester takes the bag off Junior's head)

Sylvester: Justht look at that cage over there! That bruiser bulldog'd rip me to shreds if I tried anything again!

Junior: Some father YOU are! Showing your cowardly side to your idolizing offspring!

Sylvester: And I thuppose YOU have some plan to get that little bird? I've HAD my injuries for the day, thank you!

Junior: Well, like I said before. Try luring the dog away or distracting him while you get the Tweety bird.

Sylvester: Now, justht a darn minute! I don't want to start anything with that guy. You saw what he did to me just then. It'll be worse next time.

Junior: Oh, father! This is too much for your disappointed son! People will point and say: "Hey! There goes the kitten who's father has never eaten a Tweety bird!" Oh, the shame of it all!

Sylvester: Okay then, YOU try luring the dog away . I'll get the bird .

Junior: (sobbing angrily) I never thought you would go so low as to risk the life of your own son!

(Junior puts another bag on his head. Sylvester takes the bag off again)

Sylvester: Well, looks like I have no choice. Sufferin' Succotash! I would've been better off as a stockbroker rather than a parent!

(Sylvester stops and yells "I've GOT it! Yes! What an idea!" We fade to the basement. Sylvester is playing with the lightswitch. Hector opens the basement door to see just what is going on.)

Sylvester: Okay, NOW!

(In the kitchen, Junior drops down from the top of the fridge and slams and locks the door behind Hector.)

Junior: Your turn now, Pop!

(In the basement, Sylvester crams himself through one of the tiny basement windows too escape. Hector is too big to go through. He barks furiously at Sylvester through the tiny window, then Sylvester slaps Hector.)

Sylvester: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, SHADDUP!

(Hector vibrates like a xylophone. Sylvester strolls around to the back door and goes into the kitchen.)

Sylvester: Thanks, th-son! For the first time ni my life, I've defeated a bulldog!

Junior: Congratulations, Father! Are you ready for another first?

Sylvester (licks his chops): You bet. Junior, dinner is served in the next room-er...

(They are stopped by a Female Mouse)

Female Mouse: You brute! You ate my husband!

Sylvester (Points to Junior): He did, actually.

Female Mouse: You beasts! Easy enough to pick on mice when you're so big! If I were as big as you...

Junior: Just swallow?

Sylvester: You're learning, th-th-son! (Gulp!)

Junior: Hey, I wanted that one!

Sylvester: Hold on now, th-son. You don't want to fill up on bread before the main course arrives. Besides, defeating bulldogs calls for a celebration.

Junior: That's true. Shall we proceed to the main course?

Sylvester: Lead the way!

(Cut to the parlor. Tweety in his cage.)

Tweety: Wemember me? I'm in this cartoon, too! (Tisks.) Poor Hector wasn't paying attention. Good thing I made a backup pwan in case he and Gwanny failed.

(We fade to Hector, who's managed to escape from being stuck in the window...he's managed to enter the kitchen, where Sylvester and Junior are...)

Sylvester: Hmm, now we---*AWK*!!

(Sylvester's line is cut off as he's been grabbed by the throat by Hector...)

Sylvester: Aw, come on! Doesn't this "beat up the pussycat" bit get *old* at *all*?!?

(Hector shakes his head in disagremeent, and is about to for the 47 trillionth repetitive time wind up yet another haymaker at Sylvester when---)

Granny: Ah, *there* you are, doggy! I've been looking all over for you! You're due for an appointment at the vet...and I hear the vet has hired some new assistant to help her out that'll be working with you...the most charming little redheaded girl!

(Hector's face changes to a horrified look when hearing the words "redheaded"...he drops Sylvester...)

Granny: Oh, she's just darling...though she does have the most bizarre hairbow...it almost looks sort of like a *skull* or somesuch! Oh, well...I'm sure you'll be in good hands while I run some errands in the meantime! Come on, Hector!

(She drags Hector out to the car...Hector looks as if he's pleading for mercy from the cats, but to no avail...the background music plays the standard "funeral dirge" type of music. We see Granny stick Hector in the back seat of a 1950's-era Studebaker, climb in, and take off, Hector's face against the window looking *very* worried....fade to the cats; Sylvester looks *very* relieved...)

Sylvester: Gee, that's kind of...odd. Wonder why I didn't get wailed on for the zillionth time?!?

(cut to Brainatra at a library computer...we see some schmoe at the computer next to him trying to pass off a toy figure of the bat from "Anastasia" as a "Pinky" figurine on eBay...)

Brainatra: It's no being tied to a rocket and sent on a round trip to the Andromeda Galaxy, but it'll do...*gaah*, I got so *sick* of seeing Hector beat up Sylvester 46,000 times an episode on "Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries" that I felt compelled to do *something*...(continues typing; zip pan back to Tweety)

Tweety: Hey, remember me? The one character besides Taz that's on all the merchandise Warner Brothers makes these days? I don't seem to be getting much action in *this* story...*yet*.

(Then, Tweety grins at the camera in his classic 1940's mischevious smile...)

Sylvester: Okay, Junior! It's time for action! Granny and Hector have gone...we're all alone with Tweety!

Junior: Yes, father, but you STILL haven't shown me how you can catch BIRDS...

Sylvester: That will come, son! I've got a plan!

Junior: Oh, do tell!

Sylvester: Well, ya see BIRDS are very curious, so...(whispers in Junior's ear)

Junior: That's a GREAT idea! I'll get the birdseed, you get the iron and the other stuff! Oh, father! I can't WAIT to see you catch that bird!

(Sylvester and Junior slink around the house, gathering a bag of birdseed, a plate, an iron, a teapot, some chili powder, and a cooking pot. Sylvester sets up this series of items in respective places in the kitchen, the plate on the table, the teapot on the stove, and the cooking pot next to it, (both are filled with hot water.) Junior places the birdseed on the plate, and sprinkles the chili powder on it)

Tweety: Oh, doody doody! Dose nice puddy tats are fixin' me LUNCH!

(The cats hide, and Tweety proceeds to eat the birdseed. He is stunned by the spiciness of it, and runs to the nearest water he can find, which is the teapot. He drinks from it, but discovering that it, too, is hot, he leaps into the soup pot to cool off. Sylvester pops up and slams the lid on the pot. He turns up the burner)

Sylvester: And that, thon, is how to catch a bird!

Junior: FATHER! That was BRILLIANT!

Sylvester: I try, son.

Tweety: Oh, gee, mister puddy tat! It's gettin' weawwy warm in here! And that Mexican lunch you gave me SURE makes it worse...how about turnin' down the hot-tub a little!

Sylvester: Ha! You're takin' the heat this time, bird! You're not escaping THIS time!

VOICE: Hey, stop! cease and desist!

Sylvester: Wh-who said that?!

(Hubie Mouse walksin)

Hubie Mouse: You can't treat that little boid like dat! He's innocent! Doesn't the old lady give ya enough CAT FOOD?!

Junior: A mouse! Put 'im on the plate pop! Put 'im on the plate!

Hubie: Ah, you keep outta dis ya little brat! Listen, cat! I've watched you terrorize dat poor canary enough! Not dat I wantcha to start eatin' the mice in dis house, which you've already been doin', but enough's enough! HEY BOIT! C'MERE!

(Bertie Mouse comes in)

Bertie Mouse: Yeah Hubie! Sure Sure!

Hubie: I'm lettin' dese cats know that WE, da small animals, control dis house! Hey. let dat poor boid outta da pot!

(Bertie lifts the lid and lets Tweety out, who quickly runs to the sink and soaks in cold water, steam rising from him)

Tweety: You BAD ol' puddy tats!

Sylvester: You lame-brain rodent! You just released my lunch!

Junior: FATHER! Are you gonna let this little guy treat you like this? Oh, the shame of it all, having a mouse ruin my childhood faith in my beloved father...

Hubie: Well, our work is here is done. C'mon Boit!

Bertie: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

(Hubie and Bertie go back to their mousehole)

Sylvester: The small animals run this house, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Hmmm... I think I have a plan of how we can rid ourselves of those little pests.

(We fade into Junior wearing a VERY poor looking Tweety Bird costume)

Junior: Oh, father! This is so humiliating!

Sylvester: Be quiet, son! Just do what we practiced!

Junior (Sighs): Help, help. I am poor little Tweety Bird and the mean old pussycat is after me again. [He starts to run around the room].

Sylvester: Come back here you bird! (laughs to himself)

Bertie: Look, Hubie, the cat is chasin' the bird again.

(Hubie and Bertie come back out to talk to Sylvester again)

Hubie: Now what did we tell ya about chasin' dat boid!

Sylvester: GOTCHA, ya miserable mice!

(Sylvester grabs the mice and throws them out the window. They land across the street in some trash cans. Sylvester slams the window shut)

Sylvester: AND STAY OUT!!!

Junior (taking off his Tweety costume): I'm shocked, Father! A plan of yours actually worked!

(Hubie and Bertie emerge from the trash cans)

Hubie: Dat cat can't do dat to us!

(Just then two dogs come around the corner. A big one and a little one)

Chester: You and me is pals ain't we, Spike? Ya wanna go bury bones? Do ya, Spike? Huh, huh? Do ya?

Spike: N'ah. (Smacks Chester)

Chester: N'ah, ya wouldn't wanna do THAT. Ya wanna go beat up a cat? Do ya, Spike? Do ya?

Spike: Do youse know where there is a cat?

Chester: Do I know where's there's a cat? Um... no, gee, Spike, I don't.

Hubie: *I* know where's there's a cat, fellas. Follow me!

Bertie (Laughing): Riot! Riot!

(Hubie, Bertie, Spike, and Chester approach Granny's house)

Hubie: Da only problem is, those two cats have locked us outta da house! We can't get in!)

Spike: Oh, that's no problem. I can get in da house!

(Spike walks up to the front door, and knocks it down. Sylvester and Junior are sitting at a table, with knives and forks, and arguing over who gets what parts of the yellow bird on the silver platter in front of them)

Sylvester: Son, you KNOW I always get the drumstick!

Junior: Yes, father, but this isn't a turkey, canaries are very small. I'd want YOU to have the larger portions. After all, I AM only a novice at hunting birds, and YOUR genius helped us catch him.

Sylvester: Don't give me that suckup drivel, son!

Chester: Hey! Look Spike! A cat! There's actually TWO cats!

Spike: Sure is two cats. I'll take da big one, you take da small one.

Chester: Oh, ya think I can't handle the big one?!

Spike: Dat's exactly what I think. Ya wanna do somethin' about it?!

Chester: Ahhh, maybe not. Sorry Spike!

Hubie: Why dontcha just get 'em!?

Bertie: Yeah! You can take 'em! RIOT!

Sylvester: Oh, no....

(Spike lunges for Sylvester, proceeding to thrash him like Hector, then swings him around by the tail)

Junior: FATHER! Hey dog! Put my Pop down!

Chester: Oh, ya wanna fight? Huh, ya wanna fight? That's what ya wanna do I know it!

(Chester goes for Junior)


(Chester does the same thing as Spike, swinging Junior by the tail above his head)

Chester: Whaddaya want we should do witha cats, Spike?

Tweety: Throw the puddy tats out!

Spike: Hey, dat's a pretty good idea, boidy! I like that!

(The two dogs thrash the cats again, then toss them in the outside trash cans)

Sylvester: Son, did I ever teach you how to fish?!

Junior: No...

Sylvester: Good, don't ever let me do it!

Chester (talking to Hubie & Bertie): Spike is my hero, cuz he's so big and strong!

Spike: Ya didn't do bad yerself neither, pal.

Tweety: (Laughing in the window): Wook at those two putty tats! You puddy dogs sure taught them a wesson!

Bertie: Yeah, yeah, riot!

(outside the window we see Sylvester & Junior looking a little angry)

Sylvester: Sufferin' succotash, son! Look at 'em laughin' at us!

Junior: Oh, the shame of it! Tossed out of our own home!

Sylvester: Let's just listen and see what those guys are up to. (They tip-toe to the window and listens to what is going on inside)

(Meanwhile back in the house...)

Chester: That was fun wasn't it, Spike? What do ya wanna do now?

Spike: I'm hungry, where do you fellas keep da food?

Hubie: You boys like pizza? Let's call out for some! (dials the telephone) Hello? Egghead's Pizza? I'll have three pizzas with everything on 'em... deliver 'em to Granny's house and make it snappy!

(Cut to Sylvester who looks like he has an idea)

Sylvester: Pizza delivery, eh? That gives me an idea....

(Seconds later we see a van labeled EGGHEAD'S PIZZA pulls up and our old pal Egghead comes out carrying three pizza boxes. He is singing "She'll Be Comin' Around the Mountain" to himself. He does a silly walk up the stairs and is about to hit the doorbell..)

Sylvester (peeking out from around the corner of the house): Pssst....Hey buddy, come here!

Egghead: Whoooo? Me?

Sylvester: Yeah, you! Come here, I have a BIIIG tip for ya!! (We cut to a shot of Sylvester's back, revealing he holding a huge mallet)

Egghead: Oooh boy! A tip! (He comes to Sylvester) Well, let me have it!!!

(Sylvester whacks Egghead over the head, the screen fills with stars. After the stars fade away we see Sylvester is wearing Egghead's pizza delivery man uniform. He also has a big fake mustache and is talking with a phony Italian accent)

Sylvester: This-a plan is-a sure to work, Junior!

Junior: Is the fake accent really necessary, Father?

Sylvester: Yes-a, it is! And I will-a show you a-why!

(Sylvester rings the doorbell. Hubie, Bertie, Spike, and Chester run toward the door)

Sylvester: Here's a-your-a pizza!

(Sylvester throws the pizza outside and Hubie, Bertie, Spike, and Chester run after it. Then, Sylvester locks the door behind them and discovers he still has one more extra pizza)

Junior: Look father! One more pizza left!

Sylvester: Humm, this'll be a good appetizer, before we feast on that bird!

(Suddenly, we hear a car pulling in. It's Granny and Hector)

Granny: Well, we're back! The vet was closed down by "The Animal Humane Society." I wonder why.

Hector (Looking quite relieved): Whew!

(Once Hector sees Sylvester he grabs him by the neck, and then he pulls down a curtain with the word "CENSORED" on it. In the background we hear beating up sounds. Then the curtain is pulled up we see a very beaten up Sylvester holding the last pizza)

Sylvester: Hey boy! Look pizza!

(Hector stops and looks out the window and sees Hubie, Bertie, Spike, and Chester eating pizza. Then, Hector runs outside to join them)

Sylvester: Well, that takes care of him! And now, Junior, I guess, we'll go straight to our main course!

(Sylvester puts up a stack of wooden chairs)

Sylvester: Ya see, son, the wheels in your father's head are already starting ta turn.

Junior: I hope you know what you're doing father!

Sylvester: Trust me, Junior, I KNOW what I'm doing!

(Sylvester climbs up to Tweety's cage, but Tweety is no where to be seen. Suddenly, a sawing sound is heard. Then we see Tweety, sawing down the bottom chair)

Tweety: Keep your eye on the putty tat!

(Then the chairs fall and Sylvester goes with 'em!)

Junior: Now, people will laugh and point and say: "There goes the cat who's father got ousmarted by a Tweety Bird!" Oh the shame of it!

(Junior puts a paper bag over his head again. Sylvester removes it)

Sylvester: Now, look son, there's more than one way to skin a ca......I mean, bird.


(Tweety is fast asleep. Sylvester grabs sticks of dynamite and lays them around the bird cage.)

Sylvester: Now, pay attention, closely, son, and I'll show ya plan X!

Junior: Uh, I'm not hungry anymore, father.

Sylvester: No spoiled brat cat son of mine's gonna go hungry!

Junior: I sure hope you know what you're doing father!

Sylvester: Like I told ya earlier, I KNOW what I'm doing!

(Sylvester is just about to light a match when Sniffles comes out of a mouse hole)

Sniffles: Hey, Mr. Cat, watcha doin'?

Sylvester: I'm gonna blow up that dang canary, once and for all!

Sniffles: Gee, that doesn't sound very nice. I wouldn't want to get blown up. Would you like to get blown up? Because I sure wouldn't! If you were blown up you probably wouldn't like it. I probably wouldn't either, I betcha!

Sylvester: Quiet, kid! Or you'll wake him up!

Sniffles: Okay, mister, I'll be quiet. I'm always quiet! I'm as quiet as a mouse, I betcha! Say, are you reeeeeeeeally that cat from "Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies" cartoons by Leon Schlesinger? Why do you say "Suffern' Succotash?" Why does that bulldog always beat you up? Why do you chase after that canary? Why? Can ya tell me? Hummm? I betcha that I could catch the canary if I was a cat, I betcha!

Sylvester: Shhhhhh.......

Sniffles: What does "shhhhhhh" mean? Who's that little cat that always hangs around with you? Is that your son? Why are you black? Why is that old lady your master? Who wrote this story? Why was that other guy trying to pass off a toy figure of the bat from "Anastasia" as a "Pinky" figurine on eBay? Who's Pinky? Why does Pinky say "Narf?" What is eBay? Is it a website were you sell stuff? I betcha I could sell lots of stuff on eBay, I betcha!

Sylvester: Look kid, I'm tryin' to actually win in this picture, so can ya pipe down?

Sniffles: Who was the pizza boy at the door? He looked like Egghead? Do you know who Egghead is? I don't know who he is. Who were those two mice that were here a few minutes ago? Did they disappear? And if they did, are they MAGIC mice? Why did you chew-up that mouse and then not swallow it? I wouldn't do that if I were a cat. If I were a cat, I'd be a vegeterine, I betcha!

Sylvester: Quiet, you silly sausage!

Sniffles: Why did you call me a silly sausage? I don't look like a sausage? Have you ever read "Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies" comic books? I'm in them! I'm the star! Do you like me? Because, I like you, you're silly! I betcha I could eat ten silly sausages, I betcha!

(Sylvester grabs Sniffles and is about to eat him. But, then he starts pouting and crying)


Junior: Oh, father, please! Oh well, I guess I have to be the pants in the family.

(Junior grabs Sniffles. Just then Hubie, Bertie, Hector, Egghead, Spike, and Chester walk in)

Chester: That was a good pizza, wasn't it, Spike, huh?

Spike: Yeah, plus the 10 more that were in the pizza guy's truck. Now I'm full! Even the pizza guy ate wit' us!

Egghead: Oooooooh yes!

Hubie: I'm glad that I brought that battery-powered TV and VCR along!

Bertie: Yeah, yeah, Hubie! RIOT!

(Then Hubie spots Junior and Sniffles)


Sniffles: Why should the cat listen to you, you're just a puny little mouse like I am. Sylvester wasn't going to eat me any way. He thinks I'm too cute. Do you think I'm cute? I think I'm cute. How do you spell Sylvester? I can't spell Sylvester. How come you're called Hubie, I don't know why someone would be called Hubie, unless they looked like a Hubie, which is fiction. Why do I keep talking like this all the time? I don't know why people have me talk a lot all the time. Who are these people, Pietro, Jon, Matthew, Thad, Britania, and Don Jamie? What's a Story Board? What does TTTP stand for? What is the WBC? How come fools fall in love? I betcha if I was a fool, I wouldn't fall in love, I betcha!


(Huge commotion is heard in house and Sylvester, Junior, and Sniffles are thrown out of the house)

Junior: Oh the shame of it all! Thrown out of our own house, by cartoon characters that don't even live here.

Sylvester: Don't worry, son, I have an idea, come on, let's find a phone booth.

(Both Sylvester and Jr. take off)

Sniffles: Those two cats are probably gonna go to the telephone, and call someone to get rid of those cartoon characters. I betcha the call's gonna be to Australia, and they're gonna invite that Tasmanian Devil character that was on that cartoon show with platypusses, warthogs, and little native kids, and the cat's are probably gonna tell Taz that there's a huge buffet in the house, and when Taz get's in that house...(*wolf whistle*)...just you wait and see!

(Later, Sylvester, Junior, and Sniffles walk into the house)

Hubie: Hey bud! Didn't we tell ya ta leave?!

(Then Sylvester invites the Tasmanian Devil into house. Hubie, Bertie, Hector, Egghead, Spike, and Chester are shocked)

Sylvester: Now, Taz, there's a huge buffet in this house. And those are your appetizers!

(Sylvester points Hubie, Bertie, Hector, Egghead, Spike, and Chester.)

Hubie: Uh.....uh oh!

(Taz then comes in and starts wrecking everything. Then, Hubie, Bertie, Hector, Egghead, Spike, and Chester run out of the house. As soon as they're all gone, Sylvester and Junior enter the house)

Sylvester: Now, son, we'll finally be able to have our dinner!

(They walk in the house and see Taz already trying to steal Tweety)

Sylvester: Oh no ya don't!

(Sylvester runs in the living room and gets beaten up and thrown out by Taz)

Junior: Now, everybody will point at me and say "There goes that cat who's father was thrown out by a Tasmanian Devil." I'm so ashamed!

(Junior puts a paper bag over his head)

Sniffles: Why did you do that for? I wouldn't put a paper bag over my head. No, I wouldn't. I'd make paper bag puppets, I betcha! Why did you say that you're ashamed? I'm not ashamed. Why are you?

Tweety: Help, get me out of here! You bad ol' tazzy 'tat!........jeezie-peezie, who writes this junk?

Taz: Mmm, Tweety burger...

Sniffles: Why are you calling Tweety a Tweety burger? If you want a Tweety burger, you should use a burger bun, and add some mustard, pickles, and salt to it. But hold the onions, I don't like onions. Do you like onions? I don't like onions because they bring tears to my eyes and give me gas, which clears the mouse hole at dinner time. How come onions give you tears and gas? I betcha if I was an onion, I wouldn't give people tears and gas, I BETCHA...

Sylvester: This looks like a job for...someone else. Now let's see, who do we call for help now, when we're in trouble.

Junior: Mighty Mouse?

Sylvester: No.......

Junior: El Ka-Bong?

Sylvester: No.....

Junior: Underdog?

Sylvester: No.....

Junior: Super Chicken?

Sylvester: No, someone who IS copyrighted by Warner Bros... SAY! I got it! We'll call a SUPER RABBIT!

Junior: Jack Tatay of Toon Zone Forums???

(Sylvester slaps his face. Suddenly, Colonel Rimfire enters)

Junior: Father, look! It's the world famous hunter, Colonel Rimfire!

Sylvester: Sufferin' succotash! What's he doing in our kitchen!?

Junior: Sureley, HE could get rid of our Tasmanian Devil problem!

Sylvester (not really paying attention to Junior): ....How'd he get his Elephant through the front door?

Junior: Father... are you listening??

Sylvester: I wonder if any other obscure Looney Tunes characters will appear in our house...?

(The little Gremlin from "Falling Hare" walks by quickly: "Hmmmmm, it's a possibility!")

Junior (to Rimfire): Oh, Mr. Rimfire... can an expert hunter like you get rid of that horrible Tasmanian Devil that's in our living room!?

Rimfire: Show me where the blasted beast is and I'll catch him! Tallllllly-hoooooooooo!

(Cool Cat comes in)

Cool Cat: Hey Colonel Rimfire, what are ya doin', man?

Rimfire: I'm searching for a blasted Tasmanian Devil!

(Rimfire then notices Cool Cat)

Rimfire: I tawt I taw a putty tat, Tiger tied putty tat!

Tweety: Hey! You stole my line!

Rimfire: Tally-hooooooo!

Cool Cat: Oh brother, here we go again!

(Rimfire chases Cool Cat around the house)

Cool Cat: Now, just a minute, Daddy-O, aren't you looking for a Tasmanian Devil?

Rimfire: Why yes!

Cool Cat: And do I look like a Tasmanian Devil?

Rimfire: No, you're a tiger!

Cool Cat: My point exactly, man. So, I'll help you, that fast talkin' mouse, and those two cats catch him!

Rimfire: Good show!

(A knock at the door is heard)

Junior: I'll get it!

(Junior answers the door, Private Snafu is there)

Snafu: Hi Shorty! Is da lady of da house in?

Junior: Holy Smoke! I've been drafted!

(Sylvester comes in)

Sylvester: It's all right son, I've asked this guy to help you, me, Sniffles, Colonel Rimfire, and Cool Cat catch Taz! His name is Private Snafu!

Snafu: Dat's right! And here are two other guys who might be able ta help!

(Technical Fairy 1st Class and the Gremlin from "Falling Hare" walk in)

Technical Fairy 1st Class: I'm Technical Fairy Foist Class! I watch over Snafu ta see if he does da right ting!

Gremlin: I'm that Gremlin you saw a few minutes ago who said "Hmmmmm, it's a possibility!" Remember, Mr. Cat?

Sylvester: Yeah, I remember you!

(Sniffles walks in)

Sniffles: Hi everybody! Did I miss anything? I bet I did, I betcha! Because I never saw any of you guys before!

Technical Fairy 1st Class: Glad ta metcha kid!

Sniffles: Why are you smoking? Do you know smoking is bad for your lungs? I bet I'd never smoke, I betcha! Who writes this story? I think it's a very funny story! Did Bugs Bunny write it? I like Bugs Bunny! He's funny! I've seen him in comic books, I betcha!

Cool Cat: Well, what our we waiting for, man?! Let's catch that Tasmanian Devil!

(Another knock is heard. Sylvester runs to open the door but Daffy Duck knocks it down)

Daffy: Okay, where's that Tasmanian Devil! I'll tear him limb from limb!

Junior: Uh, father..........I think this fanfic is going a little too far.

Sylvester (beaten-up): Nonsense son! We just gotta try a bigger bird cage!

(Then the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote come in)

Road Runner: Beep! Beep!

(They both run over Sylvester)

Sylvester: There! That should be the last of 'em - I hope!

(Then, the orange fat opera-singing cat from "Back Alley Op-roar" comes in and starts singing)

Junior: Why in the bloomin' blue blazes, did you invite that opera singing cat!

Sylvester: I don't know, I thought that music would sooth the savage beast, so......

Junior: Father, make that cat stop!

Sylvester: Okay.

(Sylvester clunks the opera-singing cat with a mallet. Then, Speedy Gonzales runs in)

Speedy: Arriba! Arriba! Andale'! Andale'!

Daffy: Oh great! Who invited that stupid rodent?!

Speedy: Greetings seņor Daffy! Are you still a loco duck?

Junior: You didn't invite anyone else to this giant "party" of yours, did you father?

Sylvester: I hope I didn't!

(Hubie, Bertie, Hector, Egghead, Spike, and Chester all walk in)

Hubie: Okay, where's our pizza!

Bertie: Yeah, yeah, Hubie! RIOT!

(Charlie Dog walks in and jumps on Sylvester)

Charlie Dog: Hey, chum! Let me make a deal wit' ya, you let me be your dog, and I'll letcha be my master! Agreed, sir?

Sylvester: Get off of me!

Junior: I hope he didn't invite any Sniffles clones!

(An army of Sniffles clones walk in and all chatter at the same time, followed by Merlin the Magic Mouse and Second Banana. Then, Bugs Bunny walks in)

Bugs: Eh, what's up doc?

Junior: FATHER! You have to stop this madness!

(Then the house - over loaded with Looney Tunes - explodes! Sylvester and Junior emerge from the rubble)

Sylvester: Uh Oh! I don't think the old lady will like this!

(Granny emerges from the rubble with ragged clothing holding an umbrella)

Granny: Ah ha! Thought you could get away, huh? Well, take THIS! And THIS and THIS!

(Granny starts wacking Sylvester with her umbrella)

Junior: Now people will point at me and say "There goes a cat who's father was hit by an old lady's umbrella!" Oh the shame of it all!

(Junior puts a paper bag over his head)


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