Written by Matthew Hunter (a.k.a. BeepBeep), Thad Komorowski, and Pietro
Narrator: This is the desert, hot boiling no man's land, no food, no drink, no nothing
except for one garden...the wonderful carrot patch of a certain rabbit, Bugs Bunny.
(We zip pan to Bugs gathering carrots in his carrot patch)
Narrator: And here is a, tired, worn-down, raggy old citizen of the desert a Mr. Wile E.
(We zip pan to Wile E. Coyote)
Coyote: Tired, worn-down, raggy, and old, eh? I will show you that all is not lost. For I
shall dig up a meal! Namely THAT RABBIT!
(Wile E. points to Bugs)
Coyote: After all, a rabbit is a fast creature, but not like that Road Runner!
(Bugs laughs hysterically)
Bugs: I shall dig up a meal, he says! He don't know me very well, do he?!
Coyote: Humph. Do you know what you're up againist Mr. Rabbit?
Bugs: Yeah, I'm up against Wile E. Coyote, super genius, genius by trade, more muscular,
more cunning, etcetera, etcetera...
Coyote: Exactly. Why you never even passed third grade!
Bugs: No, but I did pass college! I went to HARE-vard!
Coyote: Well, well, my little friend...looks like your education shall not benefit you.
It's the pot for you!
Bugs: Pot? Ehhh....I don't tink we should be discussing dat stuff in a fanfic. Besides, it
couldn't grow out here!
Coyote: Oh, ha ha. You're a scream. No, I mean the cast iron variety!"
Bugs: Ya mean ya wannna cook little old ME?!
Bugs: But, remember da time ya tried dat before? Last week? And remember da time dat rock
fell on your head?
Coyote: Please don't bring back those.....painful memories.
Bugs: And den there was da time ya tried ta send dynamite down my hole, and it fell into
my toaster just as it was poppin'....
Bugs: Okay, but ya still can't eat me! You don't have your ration stamps, do ya doc?
Coyote: Why right here......
(Wile E. pulls them out Bugs rips them up)
Bugs: Not anymore ya don't!
Coyote: Humph. I don't need ration stamps! It's no longer the 1940s!
Bugs: Oh yeah? Well let's just ask ol' Harry Truman about dat, doc!
Coyote: Enough! I shall now gently wring your neck now. Now, don't wiggle...this will hurt
you more than it hurts me!
Bugs: Ya know, doc. I give in. I can't defeat such genius!
Bugs: An' so dere ain't no hard feelin's, here's a pie!
Coyote: Why thank you!
(Bugs throws a pie in Wile E.'s face)
Bugs: GENIUS! He says! HA HA HA!
Coyote: Hmmm...LOW comedy.
(Fade out. Fade in: Wile E. is at his drawing table)
Coyote: Well, I suppose I shall have to retalliate with a much more elaborate, violent
effort....I got it! The Acme company's do-it-yourself kit does it a-gain! And my superior
intellect, but that goes without saying. Now, all I gotta do is find the rabbit's hole.
(Wile E. peaks outside and sees millions of rabbit holes he goes up to one)
Coyote: Pardon me, but are there any RABBITS in there?
Bugs: Nothin' in here but us chickens!
Coyote: Humph. MORE LOW comedy. Well, there's ONE way to lure him out...
(Wile E. walks over to Bugs' carrot garden)
Coyote: Now, if you do not emerge from that hole, I shall destroy your food source!
Bugs: You'll be sorry!
Coyote: Just WATCH me!"
(Wile E. begins pulling up the carrots)
Coyote: That's odd....this carrot is...ticking...
Coyote: I uh......
(Wile E. faints. Bugs starts laughing)
Bugs: GENIUS...oh brudder!
(Fade out. Fade in: Coyote is at drawing board again)
Coyote: This plan can't fail! It's full-proof! But I'm still puzzling over the multiple
rabbit holes! Oh well. They are probably interconnected anyway. This explosive rocket will
find its way to the rabbit eventually! Ah! I got it! Super Genius strikes a-gain!
(Wile E. goes out, spots the rabbit holes again, and approaches one of them with a rocket
and match in hand)
Coyote: Excuse me, are there still any rabbits in there?
Voice: Like I said, nothin' but us chickens!
Coyote: Oh ho? Well then I shall have to settle for FRIED CHICKEN! Mwa ha ha ha!
Voice: You do that an' I'll sock ya in da kisser!
Coyote: Humph. I'd like to see you try, my long-eared friend!
(Wile E. stuffs the rocket in the hole. he covers his ears. We hear an explosion!
Something taps Wile E. on the shoulder it's a giant rooster!)
Rooster: Fried chicken, eh?
(Rooster punches him in the nose)
Coyote: Ugh....I wanted....extra...crispy, waiter!
(Rocket flies out of one of the holes and aims straight for Wile E.)
(The rocket blasts Wile E. Fade out. Fade in: Wile E. is at the drawing board)
Coyote: Oh this should be a good plan! That rabbit won't see it coming!
(Dissolve to outside, where Wile E. has finished painting target)
Bugs: It's about time dat "genius" did it again.
Coyote: I'll show that rabbit THIS time! When he stands in THIS exact spot...I'll push
THAT button over there.....
(Wile E. points to control deck where Bugs is standing)
Coyote: And he'll......
Offscreen from Wile E.: "CLICK"
(Wile E.'s pupils shrink and he explodes. Fade out. Fade in: Wile E. is at his drawing
Coyote: Humm......I need to think of some way to catch that rabbit a-gain. AH HA! I got
Bugs (from right behind him): What do ya got, Doc?
Coyote: Oh! I'm going to outsmart that rabbit! Hehehe! Egards! I'm SUCH a genius!
Bugs: Yeah, dat must be some dumb rabbit!
Coyote: I'll say. I'm going to drop a giant safe on him from the top of his rabbit hole!
Bugs: But, eh, what happens if he moves to another hole?
Coyote: Uh.......heh, heh.....
Bugs: Not very smart, doc!
Coyote: B-b-b-but I'm a GENIUS! AH HA! I know, I'll rig dynamite around his hole and blow
Bugs: But what happens if his home is made of bomb shelter material?
Coyote: It won't be! Because I'M a GENIUS!
Bugs (scarcastic): Sure it will!
Coyote: Grrrrrrrr......okay......Do you have a problem with a carrot rigged to a boulder?!
Coyote: Wait a minute, who exactly ARE you?!
Bugs: I'm Wile E. Coyote! SUPER GENIUS!
Coyote: Oh, you are? Are you?
Coyote: Okay, then, true or false, PI IS EXACTLY THREE!
Bugs: Err, uh....False. Pi is 3.14, doc!
Coyote: Egads! That's correct! Hmm, this rabbit's brain size is apparently
Bugs: I'm no rabbit! I'm a coyote! YOU'RE da rabbit!
Coyote: Me? A rabbit? That's silly!
Bugs: No, I'm a Coyote!
Coyote: No, you're a rabbit!
Bugs: Fine, doc, you're a rabbit.
Coyote: Yes, I'm glad we finally....HEY?! Hummm.....if I'm a rabbit, then he's a coyote!
No, no! I'M the coyote because I'm the genius! Or is it possible that a rabbit can be a
Bugs: Look Doc, you're givin' me a migrane headache. You just woik on yer cliche cartoon
contraption and I'll be on me way.
Coyote: Why, I'm a coyote......I think. Well, anyway, little does he know that I'm NOT
using the carrot-boulder trap.....I'm going to use a carrot-TNT trap! Pure GENIUS! This
will be my greatest feat ever!
(Wile E. runs outside. About five seconds later he explodes)
Bugs (laughing): GENIUS HE SAYS! What a maroon!! What a B-Genius!
(Wile E. comes back in covered in soot)
Coyote: Hmmm, perhaps I can chase that Road Runner a bit more often then deal with him...
at least he only says one thing.
(Wile E. slips on a banna peel)
Coyote: Humph. EVEN MORE LOW Comedy.
Bugs: If da's LOW comedy, I hate ta tink what HIGH comedy would be like!
(Bugs laughs hysterically)
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!