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Fan Fics

By Robert Dougherty

{Opens inside a church with a talk show set inside of it}

Voice: And now it's time for Church Talk with the Church Woman.

{Lydia walks into view dressed exactly like SNL's Church Lady, gray wig and glasses and all. She them sits down at a desk}

Lydia:{Sing songy voice}Hello, I'm the Church Woman and this is Church Talk. Well, I seem to be the popular heck beast fighter around here due to the increase in my fan mail. Here's one right here.{Takes out a letter and reads it}Dear Church Woman, I am a big fan and as a fellow God fearing person, I am greatly impressed by your endless sarcasm and inability to stop reminding people of their sins. Intolerance is an necessary evil to fight the Lord's fight, and just when I thought I was alone in that theory, I see you and I am proven delightfully wrong. Thank you, sincerely, Jerry Fallwell.{Stops reading}Well, isn't that unique? But when the writer is just small potatoes concentrating too much of his time on attacking one of the smaller sins promoted on a PBS kids show and being as mocked as he is for it, its not as much so, is it?{Crumbles up the letter}Speaking of big sins, today we have a former member of the biggest sin group of all, politicians. Now I have heard that in midst of a certain horrible act done recently by misguided people, we can't make fun of politics. But since he's retired from that business, that makes him very fair game indeed, think about it. But do so after welcoming our guest, the former President of the United States and son of the current one, George Bush!

{Former SNL cast member Dana Carvey walks into the scene dressed as his most popular character, George Bush. After.the audience stops applauding, Carvey sits down laughing}

Carvey:{In his Bush voice}Thank you. Thank you Church Woman for letting be on this whole Satan battling show, doing that whole fending off evil thing you do down here, very fitting considering the times we're in.

Lydia: I try, I try. And you tried some very remarkable things as President. Oh, you must have been so optimistic that you would really do some great things when you got in there.

Carvey: Well it wasn't easy, I was following my former boss and popular guy Ronald Reagan, following the Reaganomics craze, the whole Star Wars system thing, he put that thing up there. But being his Vice President I felt responsible, but prudent, that I would make a difference.

Lydia: And you sure let that be known during your campaign, I'm sure you remember this little speech you made. Just listen and let the memories flood.

Carvey:{V.O on tape}Read my lips....no new taxes!

Lydia: Wow, no new taxes, that was really promising, you sure got popular with that promise. But there's a certain saying that warns people about making promises you can't keep as that whole recession thing proved a few years later.

Carvey:{Laughs}Yep, I'll admit, there were lots of mistakes there, it was sure bad! Bad!

Lydia: Even worse that the thought that you wound up lying to the American public? Now the big G upstairs doesn't much like those kind of whoppers you know, especially when the consequences are costing people jobs.

Carvey: Ha, I know what you're doing, I didn't once think you were not gonna do it. You're doing your trademark attacking and accusing that some people complain about later. I admit I guess I am more of a vulnerable target since, well, I really did make a foolish gesture, should have recognized that fact sooner, but didn't do it, and the American people said not gonna take it anymore, got me out of there in 92. And some could say I set that up by making that lofty statement of mine.

Lydia: And who could have made you create that big fib? Who could have made you think, hey, the impossible must not be made that for a good reason, so I'll try to do it and if I fail, so what if I destroy the economy and cost people their financial lives? Who could have made you think that was a good idea, hmmm? Could it be.......

Carvey: Nope! Wasn't the big Devil man,he had no say in my cabinet! Heh, I knew you were gonna ask that so I came prepared, not like I'm a virgin to the way your little show works, not like the title of a certain sinner's song!

Lydia: Hmm, I have a fibber for a fan, how convenient! But of course, we can make up for our mistakes through the next generation, that's a well known fact. We can teach our kids not to make mistakes, and in your case, you said to your son that running wild in college and getting through school only because your Dad is famous is a good thing.

Carvey: Okay, you're hitting below the proverbial belt down here. I know you could say stuff like that about him weeks ago, but now, heh, that could get you trouble.

Lydia: Look, don't shoot the messenger, he who let himself be made fun of on a sophomoric, crude, and unfit for family viewing comedy show. And though you could have stopped that with your power, you said, no, I'll let the idiocy run free to dumb down the impressionable people of the country, am I right?

Carvey: First off, you switched topics pretty quickly. Secondly, I'll have you know they have some very talented people down there, people really good at making you laugh and impersonating those you accuse.

Lydia: Well, either you're right or you really believe that you can trick the public twice in a row, how gutsy of you.

Carvey: You know, I watch your show, but that doesn't mean exactly I like the way business is done.

Lydia: Did you use that kind of talk to get your son off of Satan's sugary handiwork in the 70's, nice job I must say.

{Boos are now heard very loudly after this statement is made}

Lydia: Hey, wait a minute, you people should know what not to do to a messenger, so why don't you use that advice, k?

Carvey: Okay, let me have one more minute to sum up here before the public turns into wolfs. To sum up, started out optimistic but prudent, with the whole thousand points of light thing, no new taxes, turned out foolish, recession, bad! My son, bad choice to make fun of now. Dan Quayle, never gained acceptance but did gain mockery. Show that made fun of me, not so bad, talented people. You, about to join Bill Mahr in that post tragedy circle of infamy they got formed down there if you go on. Let me help by escorting you out of here.

Lydia: Fine, even fighters of immorality know when to take a break. But I'll tell you one sin you are guilty of, recessioner. You said an opening line a bit way too often when you were in office, let me fix that by saying a variation of it. Could it be....LIVE FROM BURBANK, IT'S HISTERIA NIGHT!{The audience applauds again as she leaves the stage}

Carvey: Well, at least when I said it, it was funny.{Laughs}

{Now the SNL spoofed title shots from "Writers of the Purple Prose" "Inventors Hall of Fame, Part II" and a few other episodes starts to play. The Don Pardo esq voice speaks}

Voice: It's Histeria Night Live{Pictures of the people names are shown as they are named}With Aka Pella. Big Fat Baby. Bill Straitman. Charity Bazaar. Cho-Cho. Father Time. Froggo. Loud Kddington. Lucky Bob. Miss Information. Pepper Mills. Toast. World's Oldest Woman. Featuring Chit Chatterson. Sammy Melman. The Histeria band. Special guest, Dana Carvey. And your host.....David Spade!

{Cut to the main set for the first H! Night Live.}

Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, David Spade! {David Spade runs onto the set to the audience's applause as the opening music comes to a close}

Spade: Yeah, all right! Boy, I got an audience with good taste tonight. Anyway, it's great to be here to lend my vast sketch comedy knowledge to this fledging program, which managed to make a guy who took on French drug runners, Clint Eastwood, and the horror that is Keanu Reeves's "acting" run for the hills. But I can assure you that I have no such weaknesses, for one thing I have no link to a Terminator ripoff like he did. Hey, speaking of ripoffs I saw that little piece on the history of movies on their last show and, let me tell you, they too, have good taste as well. Although Eddie Murphy might disagree with that, but hey, he made Dr Dolittle 2 so what does he know?

{Sammy Melman comes onto the stage laughing}

Sammy: Ha ha, well this is a far better start than before, I must say! David, I just wanted to thank you again for coming here, I knew your love him or loathe him reputation would fit in well with our similarly lovable or loathable cast.

Spade: Okay, I'll file that away in my vast space of complements, now I have a monologue to finish.

Sammy: I mean, we weren't so good the first time because we didn't have someone who knew the ropes of a show like this.

Spade: Well history's been made here folks, for only the second time in a week, we agree on something. The first is the certain agreement that we should have played this song as an appropriate theme for his arrival. Can we play that now?

{The "Jaws" theme now plays on the soundtrack}

Sammy: I'm sorry, is that supposed to make them believe I'm a shark or like one?

Spade: Gee, if we had figured that out earlier, I wouldn't have wasted 10 bucks on the soundtrack. Now again, I have to finish my monologue so that means you're spared for now.

Sammy: Ooh, that certainly lessened my admiration for you!{He storms out}

Spade: As if I care when I have millions of fans to counterattack that. So anyway....{Pepper comes up}

Pepper: AH HA, hi!

Spade: Yow, well look who it is, it's annoying autograph girl.

Pepper: That's hardly the way to greet your biggest fan who loves that you're here tonight! Can I immortalize this occasion by having your autograph?

Spade: Look,we already did this thing during your visit to Celebrity Deathmatch in Washington when you mistook me for the guy with the fat suit Martin Short.

Pepper: Well now I know it's not him, and now that I know who this is, I'm even bigger of a fan of you! Please sign my book!

Spade: In that case, okay.{He does. Pepper looks at it with her trademark disdain}

Pepper: Hey, you're not Dana Carvey, you're that mean guy the old squirrel got her material off when she was on here last time! What a gyp!

Spade: Well, we always think things of people that aren't true, you thought I was Carvey, and I thought you actually had brains, but we were both wrong. Now toodles.

{Pepper walks off dejected. Loud then comes up before Spade can start talking again}


Spade: Whoh! Well, look who's here, it's the kid with the most well chosen name in history.

Loud: Sorry. Although I was too late to get here before Pepper showed up, I just wanted to say how funny those jokes you made at Sammy's expense were, though we've come up with ones a bit more funnier than that before.

Spade: I liked that first part better than the second, kid. Now could you scoot out of here, you probably have to get ready for a sketch.

Loud: NOPE! Oh, and I think you were great in "The Emperor's New Groove" even though it was made by a rival company.

Spade: Great, now maybe you could groove out of here and let me finish. If you'll note, my name is the one next to the word host on the posters, and the host does the monologue, now unless you decided to quit, this isn't quite your time, so go.

Loud: BUT...

Spade: Um, look kid, the people are just starting to forgive you for that assault on their ears 2 years ago, so maybe you should stop talking now before they start to think that that guy had the right ideas about you. K, bye!


Spade: Hey, you should always do what you're good at, though for some people it's less well received than others.{Miss Info walks into the scene}Well, now look who's decided to be the scene stealer.

Miss Info: What I have to say isn't funny, David. I understand Sammy, and I'll try to let the Pepper thing go, but I don't think what you said to Loud was very nice.

Spade: Well if you were good at thinking, he would have been all alone on that November day, wouldn't he? Besides, heh{smiles widely}we already know one reason why they don't pay you to think.{Miss Info slaps him}Okay, now that's two reason, slapping people doesn't exactly require you to think like Einstein.{She storms off stage}Heh, can't argue with the truth, now can you? Okay, now, so as I was about to say...

{He stops when most of the whole cast comes onto the stage with angry looks on their faces}

Spade: Well, you glory hogs apparently love to stick together, don't you?

Father Time: We are on the fact that we aren't too fond of your mean spirited kind of humor, especially when it's the only way you try to get laughs.

Spade: Now who's fault is that, I want to get away from that mean image too, but the Hollywood big wigs just won't let me get away, sketch comedy, TV shows, movies, they're all the same, I just can't get away!{He sobs an obviously fake sob. As he does Sammy pulls out some pieces of paper}

Sammy: Here, answer this question. Does it say on here the lines about me being a shark and those funny but insensitive comments on Loud, Pepper, and Miss Info? Unless I need glasses and I don't, it does not! Those insults came from your little mind all by your lonesome!{The audience starts to boo}

Spade: Quick question, does anyone like a tattletale? Nope!

Chit: Come on, let's not be too hard on him. I mean he was funny on that other show, even though I liked him better the first time I saw him....when he was called Dennis Miller!{The cast laughs}

Spade: Um, um, well at least I'm more popular at my network job than he is!

Cho-Cho:{Reading pieces of newspaper}Hmm, my my my, look at these negative reviews for all your movies. And I mean all of them, "Tommy Boy" "Black Sheep" "Lost and Found" "Joe Dirt", seems you just can't get a break in movies you're in in person, can you?

Spade:{A bit shaken up}Okay, that one's not fair.

Lydia:{Holding her wig and glasses from the Church Talk sketch}Hey, you know, I think you would have been great as the Church Woman instead of me, you two have similar qualities, but what sets you apart is you look a lot more ridiculous than I do wearing this!

{She puts the wig and glasses on Spade and of course, he looks ridiculous in them}

Lydia: Who's the wig head now, Mr Spade, hmm?{Laughs}

Spade:{Embarrassed}Um, well stick around for hopefully better moments that this. We have a good show for you. Hah, thanks to that round of torture you didn't earn the right to be called great, got you there!

Loud: YEP, JUST LIKE YOU EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE CALLED WIG HAIR!{He pulls off Spade's wig to reveal his now stuck up hair}

Spade:{In a hurry}Dana Carvey is here, so stick around, they'll be right back while I let my brush visit my hair!{He runs off. The cast gives themselves high fives as the scene fades to black}

{Opens with a clip of a bus driving down a road}

Voice: This concludes the safest part of your trip, the road to the bus station. So now's the time when you get off and say good bye to the services of Total Jerk Bus Tours. Now new and improved with former airplane attendants who are anxious to prove to you just why they didn't make it over there and resorted to using their talents here for their enjoyment and your annoyance. So don't blame us for not warning you as you figure out the true nature of the name that is Total Jerk Bus Tours.

{Fade to the inside of a bus as people are walking out. Next to the door of the bus are Spade and the World's Oldest Woman, their roles in this sketch should be obvious for those who know about Spade}

Spade:{Talking as people pass by}Okay, so long, so
long, so long, so long.{Lucky Bob stops in front of him}

Lucky Bob: Hi oh! Pull my finger.

Spade: You know, in times like this I like to sing songs. I like this one most of all. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M{Clears his throat}N-O!! All right, education's over, so long!{Next to him, Charity is talking to WOW}

Charity: You know, I asked for custards several times and you never gave them to me. Do you like lying around leaving people hanging like that or is it just a hobby?

WOW: Good question, but maybe you should have fast forward it to the part where I care! So long, hungry girl!

Spade: So long, so long.{Lydia comes up}

Lydia: I just want to say that this is the absolute worst service I have ever seen and you should be ashamed of yourself!

Spade: Who's more shameful, the fool or the fool that spends too much of her time making useless criticism? Think about it, but do so somewhere else right now, so long!

Lydia: You know, it's unfortunate that material like this would make you popular on television.

WOW: You're right, I even came up with a theme song for us.

Lydia: If it has the words so long in them, I'll do something unpleasant. So I'll leave right now.{She does}

Spade: Ha, good one!

WOW: It wouldn't have been if she stayed around, I was really drawing a blank on that one!

Spade: Easy there, we still got a lot of so longs to go.{Loud comes up}

Loud: HEY MEAN GUY!!{Spade jumps}

Spade: Ooh, well, now I see there are just some so longs you can't wait to make.


Spade: I know where it is. It's right on the corner of so and long, maybe if you hurry on out of here you can get it in time!


Spade: Thanks, I'll be sure to relay that story during the trip to the ear doctor you gave me an excuse to have!{Froggo comes up}

Froggo: Do you have....

WOW:{Interrupting}Shuush! If I said no to your other stuff the first 5 times, what makes you think 6 will be any different?

Froggo: Because I'm so sure you'll say yes to the question of do you have to say so long so often that it becomes annoying?

WOW: Um, well....{she stops as she sees Froggo being blown back a bit}

Froggo: Gee, the wind picked up all of a sudden.{Now his hat is blown off his head and flies out of the bus}Hey, come back here, trademark hat!

{He runs out and as he does, we see behind where he once was, Spade is standing next to a fan on maximum power. He then turns it off}

WOW: Phew, nice save there.

Spade: You can thank me some more after these other idiots go away, and thanks to this other old timer, that'll take a while, won't it?{Father Time walks up slowly}

Father Time:{Weakly}I asked for aspirin to heal my back, and you insulting, unfunny people never got it!

WOW: Are you Ebert, Roper, Shalet, or some other critic? If you're not, then you have no right to call us unfunny, which earns us the right to say as revenge...

Father Time: So long, I know!

Spade: No, actually it's more along the lines of so long, say hello to the big G when you get your other foot in the grave. Toodles!{Father Time then storms out as it appears the line of people exiting is nearing a end}

WOW: So long, so long, so long, and....hello!

{She is reacting to the fact that the last person in the line is none other than Lorne Michaels, well, actually it's Sammy dressed as him}

Sammy:{Impersonating Lorne}Hello, funny people.

Spade:{Overwhemled}Mr, Mr Michaels sir, oh my gosh! I am a fan, I must say.

Sammy: Of course you are, my show has enough of them to make me judge that. I was watching you and I have to say that you guys' material would be great for my show.

WOW: Please tell me this isn't just the most beautiful dream of my life next to the one with me and Ben Affleck.

Sammy: I won't, because I'll be too busy telling you that your one note, sly, sarcastic tongue lashings would be a big hit on television. Hey, in 3 years you'll probably get your own movie, I do that even though they always endlessly tell me to stop.

Spade: Heh, well well, you know what I say about that offer? Bus driver, your time with us has gone buh bye, so we say our last so long not on TV to you! Whoo hoo!{Spade runs out still cheering}

Sammy: Now him I really like.

WOW: I don't know, he's the guy you either like or hate, I however am far more easier to determine, get my drift?

Sammy: Um, I'll just take your word for it.{FTB}

{Opens inside a basement with Loud and Toast sitting on a couch both playing a guitar. Their appearance is different than usual, Loud is wearing a black hat and shirt, and torn jeans, while Toast is too wearing torn jeans, and is wearing a wig of long blond hair plus he is wearing glasses. One guess as to who they are supposed to be}

Loud/Toast:{Singing while playing their guitars}It's Dwayne's World! Dwayne's World! Time to jam! Wonderful! Dum dum dum...DUM!{They stop playing}

Toast: All right, welcome to Dwayne's World, here's your host, Dwayne Bambull!

Loud: PARTY! It's Thursday, it's 9:30, it's time to jam! I'm your brilliant host, Dwayne Bambull. With me as always is Gurth.

Toast: Jam on, Dwayne.

Loud: Jam on, Gurth. All right! Now, recently we've been on a bit of a bummer trip not only mourning the last month, but also mourning the death of something else as we know it.

Toast: Yep, rock and roll as we know it is rolling out of here, and it sucks!

Loud: You said it, my friend, with KISS gone and Aerosmith and the Stones heading for the age in which time has finally decided to stop taking a vacation, all the good rock is gone. The only consolation is the other genre of music that's rising up in it's place, singer babes.

Toast: Yeah, Brittany, Christina, um, all those other chicks, it's a hormonally driven teen's dream come true out there!

Loud: But we already covered that extensively, which the FCC didn't fail to mention afterwards. But other than that, all we have is country, sap city singers, and gangsta rap. And I ask you, who here could possibly rap to that when the only words you can make out is words our sponsors would run for the hills over if we mentioned them here?

Toast: I know, my Mom certainly went nuclear when I tried to prove that theory wrong.

Loud: Yes, you'd think that theories would be more easy to violate than facts, but in this rule driven society, the status quo just is unchallengable.{Pause}Okay, remind me, what were we talking about?

Toast: The hopefully resting in peace rock and roll, but there are a few exceptions to the rule. Unfortunately, we can't use that rock kid because he's a bit too testy for our smart adult listeners out there in TV land.

Loud: But we do have one unquestionable group to worship 24/7....BON JOVI!!!

Toast: All right, the great Bon Jovi, they rule! Extreme closeup of our joy over their reviving of rock!{Extreme closeups of both the boys screaming, surprisingly the camera doesn't break when it gets to Loud}

Loud: Yeah, and even more worthy of our joy is the fact that he's playing at the town concert hall this weekend, and since their manager suggested that they need even more pub, they're coming here on Dwayne's World tonight! Well actually only Jon's coming, but he's the one we all love so who cares!

Toast: I'm so excited, I think I'm gonna spew!

Loud: No Gurth, contain your chunks, I don't have any paper bags to save you this time!

Toast: Okay, false alarm, but who could blame me, I'm just so high on excitement, Jon's coming here! I'm not worthy!

Loud: Gurth please, take your Perkidan before he agrees with you! Okay, I think we're set now, so here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the great and powerful Jon Bon Jovi! Dwayne's World! Dwayne's World! Time to jam! Wonderful! Dum dum dum...DUM!

{As he sings, Spade comes into the basement dressed as Jon Bon Jovi. He sits down next to the two kids who are now bowing down to him}

Loud/Toast: Bon Jovi! We're not worthy!

Toast: Ha, who's the Perkidan needer now, Dwayne?

Loud: Save your irony for later, the great one's here!

Spade:{Impersonating Bon Jovi}Hello Dwayne, Gurth, happy to be here, oh, and I rather like that hair style of Gurth's, it sticks out quite nicely.

Toast: Whoh, that complement shot _me_ through the heart but not too late for me to say AWESOME!

Loud:{Calming down}Okay, okay, it's question time. Bon Jovi, you are a remarkable story, proving that New Jersey isn't just a swamp wasteland and also being one of the only rock leaders not to have a huge drug addiction as well, although I guess that left very little stuff for "In Front of the Music" to say.

Spade: And let's not forget I'm starting out in movies too, I guess you probably saw a little picture I was in called "U-571" already.

Loud: Yes I did, I thought it was a thrilling piece of work that really captured the intensity and live or die events of World War II.

Spade: And what about another film of mine, "Pay it Forward"?


Loud: Yeah, I have to agree with Gurth on that, I mean, how could they take a babe like Helen Hunt and make her look so ugly, her makeup looked like pieces of leftover paint! And how could Kevin Spacey go from doing what we do everyday, lust after teenagers in "American Beauty" then go and look like something out of those aliens in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"?

Spade: I never saw that one, so I can't help you
there, and I think now we should talk about something a little more recent, shouldn't we?

Toast: Yeah, even gods like Bon Jovi make mistakes, but I bet you make up for them with all those groupies that probably rush over to you after concerts, lucky dog!

Loud: Yeah, I'm guessing on many a night you gave love a _good_ name, didn't you?

Spade: Funny, I'm guessing you should value your well being a little more before you continue with those questions.

Toast: Oh great, now I got nothing to go with!

Loud: Um, um, oh I know something that should make you more happy to be here! At this point I would like to debut a new theme song to the show that I think you'll like.

Toast: What new theme song, that old one's been working really good for us.

Loud:{Whispering}Just play the guitar to our increasingly disinterested guest's latest big hit.

Toast: Oh...excellent!{Gets his guitar}

Spade: Well this could be good for a laugh, either intentionally or unintentionally I haven't figured out yet.

Loud: Prepare to have your mind changed, great one!

{Toast starts playing the guitar and Loud starts singing to the tune of "Its My Life"}

Loud: It's Dwayne World!
With Dwayne and Gurther!
The cool host with the also cool surfer!
We do shows that leave you all a twirl!
It's Dwayne World!
Rather than going through the highway
We'd like you to watch us cause we're way...
...cooler than those awful new NBC shows!
It's! Dwayne's! World!

{Toast and Loud stop their song and bow to their huge audience ovation}

Spade:{Clapping too}Oh, well that's the kind of spur of the moment shameless sucking up that I can live with!

Toast: Yeah, wonderful!! Um, wait a minute, won't those NBC guys have a cow at us for using that truthful line about their shows?

Loud: All the more reason to stop the show now and prepare for that! That's all the time we have, good evening, jam on! Bon Jovi, would you mind helping us with the encore?!

Spade: Since my manager who got me on here would have his own cow if I didn't, I say...{singing}It's Dwayne's World! With Dwayne and Gurther!

Spade/Loud/Toast: The cool host with the also cool surfer!{The three continue to sing the song as the scene fades to black}

{Opens with Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob at the front door of a suburban house}

Cho-Cho: Now don't worry Lucky Bob, you know kids our age love to make up stories, so don't believe that the one they made up about the people in here are true.

Lucky Bob: I hope they are, I'm hungry.

Cho-Cho: Well if those people inside are, they won't be anymore. {She knocks on the door and it opens a little bit}Hey mister or miss, we're from the Girl Scouts and we'd like to...{door opens all the way}....to, to, RUN AWAY!{She runs away in a hurry, Lucky Bob is still standing though}

Lucky Bob: Could I have the tomato part of your head, please, I'm hungry.

{We now finally see who's inside: it's Father Time wearing a model of a hamburger on his head. He starts talking like a robot}

Father Time: And I'm anticipating the day when humanity trembles before us, but not all of us can get what we want, so, as they say, beat it biped!

Lucky Bob: Yes now, hamburger man.{Miss Info now comes in with a hamburger model on her head}

Miss Info:{Talking like a robot too} I believe you should correct yourself, humanoid, to you we are....

Father Time/Miss Info: THE HAMBURGER HEADS!{The two cackle as the words "The Hamburger Heads" are shown on the screen}

Lucky Bob: You are correct sir!

Father Time: Of course we are, future minion, now leave and enjoy the little free time you have left!

Lucky Bob: Yes!{He leaves and the two characters playing aliens go back inside their house}

Miss Info: I swear, the day of our eventual takeover of this planet filled with, as they quote, numbskulls cannot happen soon enough. Although I thought that his skull looked perfectly healthy to me.

Father Time: These misconceptions I have thankfully gotten used to, as I have gotten used to a human reminding us why we so much want to make them our slaves, with their limited mental capacity, their lust for things that have made many a member of our kind explode in shock, and of course, this awful TV network. Observe these promotional tactics for evidence.

{He turns on a TV nearby to the FOX network}

Voice: Tonight, watch along with 20 million other lifeless people the thrill and unbelievable violation of privacy that is "Temptation Island: Part 2 of however many versions brainless viewers will swallow" Then tune in to "When Animals Attack the disgusting members of the Guinness Book of Records" and finally, witness the taste that is "Cannibal Isle" Who will be the last man standing or at the very least, able to stand? All this from your beloved TV king, Rupert Murdoch, and the people from FOX. Oh, and don't forget on Sunday the long list of pointless guest stars on "The Thompsons"{Father Time then turns off the TV in disgust}

Miss Info: You are cruel Zalgar, no one else would subject others to watch previews for programs as horrible as that for that long!

Father Time: Yes Praynak, and yet those cranial quadrupeds delight in such juvenile at best programming. But instead of going into another rant of why that could possibly be..

Miss Info:{Interrupting}Which I particularly approve of, by the way, after 26 times it loses it's impact.

Father Time: 27 may be sooner than you think if the interrupting returns again. Now, as I said, we shall instead use our time to take over this network for our world conquest purposes!

Miss Info: Why waste our time, I mean, the President of the United States is the most obvious target for a reason you know.

Father Time: The Hamburger Heads do not do obvious, if obvious was so great the Beldark mines would have two new occupants along with the already enslaved humans.

Miss Info: Ha ha ha. You are a sly witty one, Zalgar.

Father Time: Tell me something I have not learned. Now, as for the plan, the humans turn in in drones to watch this FOX network, they revel in it's idiocy. Control a network that lures so many carbon based bipeds, and you control the planet. We shall go to the home of this...Rupert Murdoch fellow and "convince" him to hand over his TV empire to us!

Miss Info: Oh boy, and we can get a lot of great exercise by overthrowing his baseball team too! I love LA just like that Newman guy's song said!

Father Time: Whatever floats your Beryllium crystals, my dear. Now come, we must take the first plane to Rupert Murdoch's residence!

{Fade to a picture of a large building. A mailbox nearby reads "Murdoch's office" Cut now to another set that resembles a waiting room. Father Time and Miss Info walk in}

Miss Info: I still can't get over that awful airplane ride, where was the hospitality and the whole upright, worried attitude coming from?

Father Time: Perhaps my answer will let you know why it is we were thrown off, but I don't want to get angry in our moment of triumph. And no jokes about that dirty puppet dog, please. Now, to conquest!{The two prepare to walk into the door nearby}

Voice: Ahem.

Father Time: What was that? It sounded like a sound coming from a very annoying pest of a human!

Voice: Oh, I could make enough money to retire if I charged people to say that.

{The two turn around to see that the voice belongs to Spade who is sitting at a receptionary desk nearby}

Spade: Hello. And you are....

Father Time: We are the future overlords of Earth here to see Mr Rupert Murdoch!

Spade: Right, and you're doing this because....

Miss Info:{Cheery}We're gonna go in there and demand to be kings of his empire so we can rule the world and if he doesn't help he'll be torn up like a used tissue, won't he honey?

Father Time: I will back that up very eagerly if needs be.

Spade: Right, and do you have an appointment for this or...

Father Time: We do not need appointments when we have 10 billion uses of torture on our side! They knew that very well in...um, in...

Miss Info: Sweden. We come from Sweden. Yep, Sweden on the planet Earth, that's a fact!

Spade: Okay, and that is....some sort of company Mr Murdoch bought? I don't know, he buys out so many it's hard to keep track. Anyway, if you don't have an appointment, I have to ask you to take a seat.

Father Time: We can do that anytime we want and we do too! Now let us in there, "Pee Wee" or when our rein begins we shall drag you to our slave labor camps and give you so many tons of rock to lift your arms will fall out if we haven't taken them off ourselves!

Spade: You know, threatening me with violating the Emancipation Proclamation won't get you in any faster. Besides he already has an equally strange and megalomaniacal person in his office now, so please take a seat or he'll probably make you a fast food lunch special.

Father Time: We shall see, my doomed nemesis, we shall see!

{Father Time and Miss Info open the front door but do not go in}

Miss Info: By Krailnok's bitter sprit, what is that?!

Father Time: Ha ha ha ha. You're telling me the power hungry human in there is....a baby!

{The voice of "Family Guy" baby and fanfic villain Stewie Griffen beings to speak}

Stewie:{V.O}What the duce are you odd headed oddities doing interrupting my meeting!

Miss Info: You mean the meeting before our meeting that will give us control over all, strange but cute baby.

Stewie:{V.O} How dare you, if anyone is to do that by using this network, it's me! Besides, you can't possibly do a better job of it than me, I made Rupert here keep a horrific, sophomoric at best TV show on the air for 3 years, now that requires real evil brain power!

Father Time: I guess you had no choice since physical power was obviously not an option, elfish amateur!

Spade: Hey, you can go in there without an appointment, but don't go ripping my material off too, k?

Father Time: We'll do some ripping of our own in that office in a minute! Come on wife, help me keep my promise!

{The two go in the office and close the door. Spade sits back down non chalantly as sounds of a battle are heard. Finally some laser fire is heard and a few seconds later, the "Hamburger Heads" run out}

Stewie:{V.O}And stay out, you alien invaders who aren't even close to being in the top 100 of my greatest struggles! Now to resume _my_ meeting so I can destroy the other would be conquerer who happens to be at my height. Rupert, stop groveling at the damage and get back to groveling a living thing!

Spade:{To the defeated characters}Well, haven't we learned a lesson today? If you had bothered to listen, I would have given you first aid before the battle,but...

Father Time: Quiet! Do not add more injury to insult, we are sitting down like you asked!

Miss Info: So, now that we got humiliated, what will we do to pass the time until we make up for that?

Father Time: Why, sustain our need for carbon food in our bellies of course. May I have one of your lettuce strands, dear?

Miss Info:{Taking out a piece of lettuce from her head}Sure Zalgar, it's just gonna grow back anyway, you know.

Spade:_You_ know, tempting me with your alien food products won't get you in any faster.{Picks up a ringing phone}Rupert Murdoch's office. Okay, and you are....{He then suddenly disappears. Pan over to see Father Time holding a laser}

Miss Info: Why couldn't you have made that baby disappear like that back there?

Father Time: We didn't give him enough time to prove that it would have been more relieving than what I just did.

Miss Info: You are delightfully cruel, husband.{The two laugh like a robot as the scene fades to black}

{Opens on the Ellis Island harbor as we see the Statue of Liberty dance to music. Above, the moon turns around to reveal Bill Straitman's face}

Voice: And now it's time for History Update with anchorperson Bill Straitman.

{Fade to Bill Straitman's anchor desk where he is sitting behind it}

Bill: Good evening, or whenever it is you're watching this. I'm Bill Straitman, and you're not even close to guessing how happy I am to finally be in the show!

Our top story, almost 85-90% of the historical people we've parodied are still dead! Oh, and please don't think that I'm the one who thinks you guys are stupid by saying that obvious fact, blame the people who just had to include an old bit they forget to do last time.

Anyway, we start in 1961, when John F Kennedy is inaugurated as the President of the U.S and makes one of the most famous quotations in the country's history "Ask not what your country can do for you, instead be thankful for me that someone of my womanizing didn't have to be President 37 years in the future!"

Confucius is one of the great philosophers of all time for his words of wisdom and for his inspiring of fortune cookie messages. Though I think he's a little overrated. Why? Well, I'm still waiting for my happiness will come with money message to come true, perhaps our bosses can help with that one.

1773 Boston, the Boston Tea Party is held and it becomes a symbol for the upcoming revolution. In it, Paul Revere and two other guys dumped tea off the harbor whooping like the Indians they dressed up as. Fortunately for them, the time when they would have been attacked not by Redcoats, but by that whole P.C crowd, was 180 years too late.{Pause}What?

Speaking of revolutions, the French Revolution struck in the 1790's and 1800's. And instead of me making jokes about this, I instead urge you to rent Austin Powers 1 and 2 and those sequences where the randy Brit makes losing head jokes that I refuse to make myself.

World War II, the year 1944, the Germans make their move to invade Russia, but instead mostly freeze to death in the cold. When asked about this turn of events, the German commander said "Why don't you go wail on the dead short French guy who gave us this idea instead of mocking us?"

Isaac Newton makes one of the greatest discoveries in science by coming up with the law of gravity. In related news, Wile E Coyote and other WB favorites are scheduled to stand trial later on today.

Well Halloween is long over by now, but it's never too late to plan ahead for next year. And for those who couldn't afford a costume this year, these tips by our editorialist will help even more and get us some extra ratings. Here now, is Aka Pella.{Aka is now seen sitting next to Bill}

Aka: Thanks Billy. Well Halloween has come and gone, but it's not too late to start plan for next year, a phrase which a certain news anchor had to borrow to set me up, the only reason I allowed it. Anyway, I've learned you don't need to use an actual costume to get the goods, just use your face and stuff. Here, I'll start with a easy one. Go as insane frown face.{Frowns very deeply}I'm insane frown face! I don't do anything but frown, it's insane and ugly! And if you don't want this insanity on your porch all night, hand over the candy! Where else am I gonna go, I'm unpopular because I frown and I'm insane!{Stops frowning} Or go as hands stuck to face person.{Puts her hands on her face}I am hands stuck to face person! I got my hands stuck on my face so you know I'm starving! Help hands stuck on face person by handing over candy, and don't use the excuse that you can't put candy on my hands! Just put it in my mouth and I'll take it from there!{Takes her hands off her face} And you can also use your hair, check this out.{Takes off her bow and let her hair down so it is covering her face}I'm face covered by hair girl! You can't see me because I got hair hiding my face, which comes in handy when I neglect my hygiene! Now hand over the candy!{Throws her hair back} Even ribbons are good, observe.{Puts her hair ribbons in her mouth}I'm ribbon mouth! Other kids were born with normal mouths, but I got ribbons stuck in them! But that doesn't mean I don't need candy as much as any normal kid, so hand it over before I get tongue tied! Then again, you might be too late!{Takes the ribbons out} The absence of actual hands also comes in handy.{Tucks one hand into her sleeve leaving only the back of her hands visible}I'm stump hand! I got one normal hand and the other looks like a stump! Now if that doesn't make me deserve candy, what else do I gotta do, take the other one off! Give me some candy or you'll be blamed for that! But if you have to use some sort of costume, this might be a good choice.{She takes out a mask shaped like an eraser and put it on her head}I'm eraserhead! I may talk normal, but the head where my month is on is defiantly not normal, it's a darn eraser! David Lynch won't leave me alone! Help me out by giving me some candy!

Bill: Hey Aka, here's a good one.{Puts a box over his head} I'm box head! I don't know why I can talk because I got a box for a head, but if I can talk, then I can eat too! Therefore you have no excuse to not give me some candy!

Aka: Um, that stuff's funny to use when you're a kid, but it has a higher creepiness factor if you're an adult.

Bill:{Dejected}You say that like it's my fault.

Aka: Well, Happy Halloween 2002 for the young and young at heart, and saying that now ensures I won't have to say it again a year from now, ha!

Bill: Aka Pella everyone.

1876, Rutherford Hayes wins the Presidential election by just 1 vote, a disputed vote that many say was only given to him to end Reconstruction. Insert Florida election joke here.

1947 is the year that aliens are rumored to have landed in Roswell New Mexico, and were captured in the infamous Area 51. I imagine it's been a struggle to keep those aliens captured, and it's even worse that they'll never forget their only failure, and neither will movie goers everywhere.{Picture of E.T is shown}

The wheel and fire are the first big inventions in history. The wheel is especially useful because without it, cars couldn't go anywhere, just like DMV lines.

Abe Lincoln is made President in 1861, a few months before the attack on Fort Sumter that began the Civil War. The South originally wanted to give him Jeff Foxworthy as a housewarming gift, but they figured that an attack would be a little more merciful.

Computer animation has become all the rage over the last 6 years, as more and more people attend those films a lot more than regularly animated features. That would explain why all the laughing I've heard is coming from a laughtrack and all those "people" up there are poor pieces of cardboard.

That was a long way to go for a joke, but I was trying to speed up time, and failing, for a special guest. I happen to think telling the truth is a great thing, especially if you do it all the time, but there's someone who hates that mainly because he has no choice. Please welcome a strange case, a pathological truth teller, Tom Ganagan.

{Chit is now seen sitting next to Bill}

Chit: Thanks Bill, but let me make a retraction, it's not Tom Ganagan, it's Tom, um, Shakes, eh, Shakes....oh, it's Ganagan!! There, you wanted an example of my Hades, you got it!

Bill: I don't get it, what's so bad about having no ability to tell lies?

Chit: Oh, if you could only imagine. Being such a truthful guy is so annoying, everyone comes up and says, "Oh, you're so wonderful, so reliable, such a goody goody you are" Well that's NOT the ticket for me! I'm sick of so much one dimensionality, that's what nearly did you guys in, and since I can't tell lies you know that's true!

Bill:{Dry}How perceptive of you.

Chit: I can't have any fun at all, I tell you. I want to do things that are great because they're bad, and I can't get away with it. Then again, having this problem has it's advantages, I have a real trophy wife who's a super mod...super mod....okay, she's 45 with a bad hip, happy now?! Ahem, but at least I get to have some excitement because people trust me. I skied all the way through the Rock...um, I mean Alp...{stutters}okay, skis weren't involved, but I did have a great run in the NYC Maratho...a great run in running pathetically after my cab!

Bill: Maybe you should borrow some of my medication, I never thought someone would need it worse than me.

Chit: Can that erase the endless slaps on my faces for saying the truth about the attractiveness of ladies, I can't even be a man with this thing!

Bill: Oh, that explains the angry mob of women outside the station.

Chit:{Sighs}Well, I suppose this commentary went nowhere, and I so much wanted to use it to help anyone else who has this terrible afflict.....ugh, I can't even hide the fact that I wanted to use this to get people to donate money for treatments for me like the shameless man I am! Sorry for ruining your new sho....oh, I guess with that pause you know that I was trying to lie! You'd think I'd stop trying that by now.

Bill: Pathological truth teller Tom Ganagan, everyone.

Television is used in a debate for the first time as Kennedy and Nixon televise their duels in the 1960 election. Unfortunately since this was in the early days of TV, Nixon didn't have time to think of the line "I am not a crook, I just play one on TV" as a personal advantage.

FDR uses his now famous fireside chats to help the American people through the Great Depression. His famous line is "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" Well, apparently FDR never saw Tom Green in action.

Well, that about wraps it up this week....

Elderly voice: Eh! Not so fast, newsman!{Dana Carvey comes out dressed as a grumpy old man}

Bill: Grumpy Old Man! I thought we cut out your commentary already!

Carvey: Well I decided to change that because I'm old and I'm not happy! That gives me an excuse to be on here and lay out my unhappiness on your little show! Heh, show, in my day we knew what a real show was! In my day we had talented people doing these things, we didn't have characters who were hated enough to be targeted for death numerous times, although they came close with the movies they went on to make. But they had talent and actually had original characters! They didn't rip off people to get laughs and return to TV after life threatening action, if that was the way it was, we'd hate it! We'd loathe it! We'd turn off the channel and surf to something else in a second! Oh, and you guys also decided to have clean jokes in this show, you'd rather joke about Hollywood and said characters you ripped off! In my day we weren't so timed, the dirtier jokes, the better! We went into every sexual metaphor there was and we didn't care how tasteless and stereotypical it was! We didn't have network censors to keep things clean and baby us and keep all the really funny stuff out, if that's the way it was, we'd hate it! We'd despise it! The envelope was meant to be pushed, not taped shut like over here! Ah, and one more thing we really knew how to do was cast. We cast the best people for roles, not like here. Like on that Dwayne's World, you cast that annoying sarcastic guy as that loud rocker. In my day we cast more fitting people than that, we cast people who, although they didn't have as big a career as the other guy, were just as talented, and could impersonate the person he was making fun of accurately! Plus he would actually have a connection to the bit they were shamelessly satirizing! We didn't have people who can be so mean spirited play roles intended for people that would have made the satire cleverer by showing up, if that's the way it was...

Bill: You'd hate it, right?

Carvey: No, I'd be _disgusted_ by it, that's a tiny bit more accurate to how I'd feel! Oh, and you aren't free from blame either, in my day we had more popular news people that went on to host foul mouthed talk shows and commentate on sporting events!

Bill: Now who didn't see that reference coming, your metaphors are getting weaker, I think it's time to go. Grumpy Old Man everyone!

Carvey:{Over applause}I'm not finished! Eh, forget you whippersnappers, I'm going home to eat my steak and sleep my 18 hour sleep!{Leaves}

Bill: You do that. For History Update, I'm Bill Straitman, good night, and have a pleasant rest of the day.

{Note: this sketch goes back and forth from a live scene to clips from a movie, so try to keep track}

{Opens on the front stage where the monologue took place}

Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Hackman!{Said actor then comes out on the stage to about 5 seconds of applause}

Hackman: Now you promised we were gonna make this quick, right, cause that's how you got me to come back here. Okay. Hello, audience, I of course was the lucky and unlucky host of this show last time, a statement which Mr Spade by now certainly understands, though I did less to deserve it. But anyway, the reason why I'm here is tell you that during the preparation of a show like this, some sketches get written up, but then cut for time before it goes live. Since these people are running out of skits from that other show, they asked me to introduce a sketch cut from when I hosted. So here I am. Oh, and if you're tired of the hype about the big movie out right now, "Heist" isn't that bad of a film to go to before your kids drag you to see that other one for the 4'th time. There, my plugging is over so I have no more reason to stick around except to watch this cut sketch and see just why it was cut and why I wanted to keep it that way.

Voice: Um, Mr Hackman, a Volvo just crashed into your car....again.

Hackman: Sigh, some people never learn.{Cracks his knuckles}Try to enjoy!{He runs away}

{Cut to a scene from the movie "The French Connection" This is before the famous car chase scene as French crooks take control of a train above a road. Below on the road, the scene of Hackman's Popeye Doyle running over and stopping a car is seen}

Hackman: Police! I need your car!

{Now the scene is live as now we see the person in that car, only it's not a person per se, it's....}

Fetch: Yeah, you and everyone else who's late for work, buddy, but only 10 out of 50 go and nearly get killed to do it!

Hackman: What the{bleep}?!

{Fade to a sequence with Fetch driving a car down an empty road as a chorus sings}

Chorus: It's Fetch....the driving dog!
The dog who could drive a car!
He drives like a kitty
All over the city.
It's Fetch the driving dog!

Voice: Fetch! The dog who could drive a car! Tonight's episode, "The Fetch Connection"{Cut back to Fetch and Hackman}

Hackman: What the{bleep} kind of {bleep} is this?! A dog driving a {bleeping} car?!

Fetch: If you can think of a better way for a driving dog to make a living, potty mouth, I'd like to hear it. Seriously, what?

Hackman: Just let me have that car, um sir.

Fetch: Not while the meter's running pal. You already owe me $1.10, and if it's that big of an emergency you'd have paid it if you wanted this baby.

Hackman: Fine, then you drive, don't let that train get away!{Gets in the passenger's side of the car as Fetch starts to drive}

Fetch: Chasing a train? Hey, if we videotaped this we could go down in history by showing it to movie lovers who'd never forget it.

Hackman: Keep driving now, talk useless talk later, dog!

Fetch: Hey, moviegoers like hardened foul cops too, how convenient. Oops, we're doing that phrase _next_ week.

{Cut to clips of the car chase from the movie as the car gets through all the perils of the road while chasing the train}

Fetch: Hah, take that cats, you think you got superiority on the road, but you can't do that, the proof's on TV and right here, pal!

Hackman: How 'bout you keep your eye on the road or else you'll have proof of a dead and very angry cop!

Fetch: What?

{The scene of the car heading for a mom and her child in a carriage is seen. The car barely misses and skids off the road and stops}

Hackman:{Getting out of the car}Well, looks like we both have work to do, here I go to do mine.{He runs off}

Fetch: Hey, if you mean the job of paying me 15 bucks for the ride, you, um....just give me my money, forget the fact I ran out of jokes to make!

{Cut to the clip from the movie of Hackman catching one of the crooks before he runs up a flight of stairs to a bus terminal. The crook then turns to run again and before the scene is shown of Hackman shooting him in the back [the same image from the film's video cover] we go back live to see Fetch tugging on Hackman's leg. He turns around}

Fetch: Hey, you have bad hearing or else you'd have listened and paid my 15 dollars!

Hackman: Get out of here, I _was_ about to make a killing, you {bleeping} dog!

Fetch: Well, just for that, I won't be alone in paying off the damages to said car.{Hackman now turns to see the crook getting away}

Hackman: And you won't be alone in examples of police brutality, you son of a {bleep}

Fetch: Okay, now it's personal, literally if you get my drift!

{Fetch jumps onto Hackman and the two tumble on the ground. They keep rolling until they somehow stumble into the nearby car from earlier. After a second or two, the car starts to move back onto the road, just as another car comes flying back. A video clip of two cars crashing and one flying off the ground and tumbling up and down for a few seconds is shown. Afterwards, cut back live as we see the car lying face down and Hackman and Fetch still in it}

Fetch: Okay, you're making it really hard for me to be even with you, I guess you want me to deny you money and crash _your_ car, that would make sense if you have a death wish.

Hackman:{Groggy}Trust me, I have one, but not for myself.

Fetch: Hey, don't think I couldn't read between the lines of that one!

{The scene freezes and the chorus sings again}

Chorus: He drives like a kitty
All over the city.
It's Fetch the driving dog!{FTB}

{Another note, to avoid confusion the official casting for this skit is: David Spade is Dana Carvey, and Dana Carvey is playing David Spade. By saying this I hope you don't get confused and miss the jokes}

{Opens on another newsdesk this time with an unseen man sitting in back}

Voice: And now it's time for "Carvey in America" with your host, Dana Carvey!

{Now we see the man, it's not Carvey, but it's Spade wearing a wig that is of Carvey hair}

Spade:{Trying to do Carvey's voice}All right! Hey there audience, thanks for saying up late, but that's what you do, doing that whole avoiding sleeping thing you do over there. Okay, well I, Dana Carvey, am thrilled to be back on TV, although my track record was a problem, you know, a failed sitcom 8 years ago, nothing really big after SNL, but the bigwigs out there didn't have a problem.{Impersonating Carvey's Johnny Carson voice}I did not know that, that is wild stuff.{Back to his Carvey voice}Okay, now we have a special treat for you tonight, my guest is a real star, someone who's career took off after leaving his first show, I guess we can't all be that lucky, but I'm not bitter. Just watching my former co-star go on to fame, fortune, and supermodels every week on his hit network show is good enough satisfaction. Please welcome my funny former co star of SNL, David Spade!

{Carvey comes out dressed as, well, David Spade and sits down next to "Carvey"}

Carvey:{Impersonating Spade, and quite well at that}Yeah, hey there, you guy who's not as annoying as me guy! And you are....quite deserving of that label, I must say.

Spade: Heh, of course I am. But you, my good man, are something else. When I made the dumb mistake of leaving my first and only big show, you came in there and salvaged it for the next 3 years, who cares if that show was deemed terrible during that time and they said you were part of the problem, what do they know?

Carvey: I don't know, critics do have everlasting impressions on people. They form one and never let it go, check out the reviews for Joe Dirt. I liked them better the first three times....when they were the same bad reviews for Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, and Lost and Found!

Spade: Well, um, aren't we not forgetful. But being the star of such "classics" as Opportunity Knocks, Trouble in Paradise, and Clean Slate taught me that too. I mean they were bad! Bad!

Carvey: Hah hah, doing the Bush impression, eh? Boy, you sure have a lot of them.

Spade: Yep, now if I had more than just impressions I would have been set like you, but we can't get everything we want, I guess.

Carvey: Yeah, I am good, aren't I. I have a big movie career, a hit network show, but I still could use some help. I was too intimidated to stop Jack Nicholson from taking good old Lara Flynn Boyle away from me, if I could have improved bravery in that department, my problems would go buh bye!

Spade: Hey! Hey, I mean, don't be too hard on yourself, she broke up with you before that all happened. At least you had that kind of loving in the first place, unlike a certain host of a certain show like this.

Carvey: Okay, good point, I get it. I'm the famous one, it's true, maybe that's why people like to attack me at my home and torment me during a monologue as comeuppance for my brand of humor, it's a curse.

Spade:{Takes off his wig and speaks in his real voice}Okay, that one was way below the belt, even for me.

Carvey:{Normal voice}Well, there's something I never thought you'd say. Just keep in mind I didn't think this stuff, the writers came up with it for me, they are very smart and truthful now that I think about it.

Spade: K, question, why are you getting the majority of the mean comments, shouldn't I get more than you seeing that I'm the inspiration for this?

Carvey: I'm just getting into character here, technically you did start this by being you.{Clears his throat and speaks like Spade again} Well, I'd love to keep this conversation up, but I have to go keep being one dimensional and sell out in Coors Light ads.

Spade:{In his Carvey voice} Yeah, that's just as well,
since I have to go crawling back to Lorne and get another guest spot as George Sr because that's what I'll be known for for all eternity and I've had no success getting out of it, so you'd better go.

Carvey: Buh bye, they'll see you later!

Spade: Um, that technically _was_ my line there.{They continue to talk as the scene FTB}

{Opens with a black screen reading the words "Inside the Cartoons Studio. Host James Sipton" Fade to a stage like the one in the Bravo TV series "Inside the Actors Studio" While the theme music for that show plays, we see a stage with a table at the center with cards on them. Sitting behind it is Bill dressed as the "Actors Studio" host James Lipton, wearing a wig with brown hair, glasses, and a scruffy beard}

Bill: There are cartoon characters.....forever revered in the public eye, Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, and the first incarnation of the delightful mystery solving scaredy dog, Scooby Doo, who can "do" no wrong. Other characters are loathed, like the Harlem Globetrotters animated version, the incarnations of the Flintstones and Muppets after the 60's and 70's, and the father of one of the fanfic worlds evilest toddlers. And then there are those barely given a thought by the majority of the public, then worshipped by a select few with nothing else to do with their lives, like our guest tonight. The object of many a writers desire, the prize of an infamous sporting event, the target of many a mad man or creature, and of course, the Bette Midler of fanfiction, because she...is....divine. Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only....Charity{whispers}Bazaar.

{Charity comes out and sits in front of Bill to lots of applause}

Charity: Have you met Loud or B.B recently, because that praise sounds very much like them all right.

Bill: As it should be the praise of us all. Of course you started out your career on the show Histeria, playing the toughest role of your life, yourself. What was that like?

Charity: If you watched the show you'd know that, it's a message we pounded into the ground every time I was on screen, not that happy. It's easy to play that kind of role when you are just like that.

Bill: Generation X had a new spokeslady, or they would if enough people watched it, and I shudder at their bad taste. However the fan fiction world gave you a chance at stardom, starting with the very first Histeria fic, Danelle B's hardly seen story, which I can assure you, is not hardly seen because of content, for it is....delightful! Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain is the ultimate example of that word. How was it working on such a tale?

Charity: Well, I don't think we took it that seriously, we just did it for a gag and because we needed something to do. Of course now it is defiantly foreshadowing for certain reasons you all know about, since it preceded the next famous event I was in which you'll likely start talking about now.

Bill: Brilliant and psychic, what a combo!{Laughs a pompous laugh}Yes, you are right. For what followed next was the defining event of your life, the defining moment of Histeria, and the defining moment of many a reading career for a fan, the romantic, funny, touching, dramatic, thrilling, and every other genre there is picture, Another 24 Hours. I was right in the first part about it changing you forever, right?

Charity: More than you know, James. If you were chased around by madmen, robots, and your conscience, you'd be a robot yourself not to have it change you. But it did prove to everyone I was more than the stereotype the show made me, but on the downside perhaps, the endless fans and admirers rained down on me. Which I guess you think is a well deserved thing.

Bill: Touche. Lemmon and Matthau, every pairing in a romantic, buddy, and cop movie, and finally, the odd couple of a generation, though a small majority may think otherwise, you and Loud Kiddington. What was the attraction to this targeted boy?

Charity: Why do I love him, you ask? Did you even see the events of that day? You're treating the day that almost killed me like a movie, and one you obviously didn't see, because if not, you'd know why I love him, because I said it about hundreds of times. It would be shambles melodrama if it wasn't true.

Bill: Shameless melodrama at it's best. After traveling to the other side of life via Dip in Toons and Doom, you took on a more chaotic role in "The Toasty Histeria Picture Show" a cult classic spoof of a cult classic film.{Mechanically}If you haven't seen it, it's just a jump to the left and a jump to the right to see this landmark fic, and I'm not saying it is because I am an overbearing man who praises everything like it was made by the Lord himself, but honestly, how could I tell the difference?{Stops talking and freezes in place}

Charity: Was there a question in there somewhere for me? Well, I'll spare you and say it was very....strange and weird, but of course you all expected me to say that. Unfortunately it was the beginning of a little feud between Loud and another co-star of mine that made Meg Ryan, Russell Crowe, and Dennis Quaid proud, though they didn't have "The Big Game" to settle it.

Bill: And at your request earlier, I will not go on about it, that was disturbing even for me.{Clears his throat}Strange Coincidences. A landmark in TV talk show history, and the birth of another odd couple, you and co-star Pepper Mills.

Charity: What can I say, odd couples are very marketable, and before the interview my boss, Sammy, said I should do a joke about how we can't blame the original odd couple you mentioned earlier because they're gone, but I won't do that. Although I just did, but they technically weren't my words.

Bill: A class act move by a class act lady. Unfortunately some jokers aren't that knowledgeable of that, like that windbag Robert Dougherty in that horribly overblown script he wrote, 24 Days, in which you are tricked into not one, but two affairs. That I just will not stand for, and Dougherty, if you're watching, you just proved I have a critical side, and I don't know how to respond to that, thank you...so much.

Charity: At least B.B liked that one, however Loud made sure to tell him that I wasn't that easy in his own special way.

Bill:{Laughs the same laugh as before}How deliciously protective of him! We will now close with the questionnaire, made by a French guy with an unpronounceable name.{Picks up a card from his pile}What is your favorite word?

Charity: Happy. You always like the things you usually aren't.

Bill: What is your least favorite word?

Charity: Spiders, robots, marathon, dip, all the unpleasant stuff from my adventures.

Bill: What turns you on?

Charity: Pecan binges, romantic evenings, days when B.B and Loud aren't at each other's throats.

Bill: What turns you off?

Charity: See my second answer.

Bill: And finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God says when you enter the Pearly Gates?

Charity: There's the world's largest supply of pecans and happiness through these gates, as well as the world's shortest supply of people that want to kill you. And I'm sure we all know where they are now.

Bill: As well they should be. Charity Bazaar, you have graced us with your beauty and style, made us see ourselves in your wonderful moodiness{Leans back on his chair and talks more raspily as he goes on}And most of all, been just a unquestioned wonder, an angelic creature in our dark world, and a person worthy of every praise laid upon her for being simply....delight..{He stops as he begins to cough from his raspy talking, and finally falls from his chair}

Charity: What a "delightful" break from that embarrassment, although it probably gave Loud and B.B some new material. I'll thank myself for being here for our fallen host, good night folks.{Charity helps Bill up as the theme music plays again. FTB}

{Fade to the front stage as the whole cast is there along with Spade}

Spade: All right, that's the end of our slightly big show, folks. I'd like to thank Dana, Gene Hackman, Stewie Griffen's voice, the cast for putting up with me...{Notices some evil grins on the cast members faces}And that is for what?

Father Time: The show's over. We don't need you for sketches anymore.

Aka: True, we already paid you back for stuff you said to us in the beginning of the show, but we never got you for the stuff during the show, if you catch our drift.

Spade: Um....I don't think I want to do that, now that you mention it.{Quickly}Good night everyone!

{As the closing music heard from SNL starts to play, Spade tries to creep away. However he is blocked by the cast. He argues with them for a few seconds before he is grabbed by the arms by the adults. The kids walk out for a while and come back wheeling a giant tuba on stage. Spade yells some more but he is stopped by the fact that he is being shoved into the tuba. Loud then comes up and after talking a breath, blows on the tuba with Spade in it. The force naturally, sends Spade into the air crashing through the roof. After a few seconds, he crash lands back on stage as the closing music comes to a close. As it does, Carvey comes over and carries Spade out}

Carvey: You okay, David?

Spade:{Groggy}They'll get their due for this from my public. They'll surely complain about how I was treated, and the fact they all they had on this show was sarcastic bits, and the fact that all I did was reply my roles on SNL and just be mean and bitter.

Carvey: Actually, that _is_ usually all you do, so they'll have a defense planned.

Spade: Okay, well at least you taking me to the studio doctor will give me time to think of something for that.{The two enter a doctor's office}

Carvey: Hello doc, we have a battered host here.

Voice: Hi there, babes. And you are...much later in getting here than I thought!

{Wee now see who the voice belongs to: none other than Dennis Miller in a doctor's coat}

Spade: Oh sweet Jesus, they are good.

Miller: So, what's wrong with David here, he's got more stars surrounding him than the head nurse at a rehab center! Ha ha ha!

Carvey: Ha, very true, but we brought him here because his hosting duties gave him a whirl. So, on a lighter note, why are you here?

Miller: My TV show and football schedule left me a few extra minutes, so I came here. I'm getting paid a lot for only a few minutes of work, like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now without the shadows, the fat, and the horror that my career will go down the {bleep}hole for the next 22 years! Ha, I can say that now since we're actually not on the air.

Spade: Okay, I know when I'm beaten, they finish me off by getting another sarcastic guy here, can I just have some sleeping pills to preserve my dignity?

Miller: If you're still on "Just Shoot Me" I think it's a little late for that!{Carvey and Miller laugh}Seriously, here you go.{Gives Spade some pills}

Spade: Great, guess what? That's the show, and I am _so_ outta here!{He swallows the pills and lies down on a couch}

Carvey:{Impersonating Miller}Well, Mr Straitman's got some legal work to do after he said that one, babe, right after he gets that, well, what's a wordy way to describe an old lady, I've said so much stuff like that I'm running out of material!

Miller: Okay, you wasted a great impression on overused material....but since it's on me I'll let it slide!

Carvey: Great, let's get outta here before I press my luck!{Carvey and Miller leave as Spade continues to rest}



David Spade: himself
Dana Carvey: himself
Laraine Newman: Miss Info/Charity
Cody Ruegger: Loud Kiddington
Nora Dunn: Lydia Karaoke
Frank Welker: Father Time/Fetch
James Wickline: Bill Straitman
Gene Hackman: himself
Rob Paulsen: Sammy Melman
Tress MacNeille: Toast/WOW/Pepper/Cho-Cho
Cree Summer: Aka Pella
Billy West: Chit Chatterson
Nathan Ruegger: Froggo
Jeff Bennett: Lucky Bob
Seth MacFarlene: Stewie Griffen
Dennis Miller: himself

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