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Fan Fics

By Robert Dougherty

{Opens on a blue screen with the Presidential logo on it}

Voice:{Sounding like Don Pardo}And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.

{Fade to the Oval Office where none other than Father Time is dressed as Bush, the Bush wig seems to have covered up the hair he had on top, but it appears plenty of makeup was done to hide his facial hair}

Father Time:{Impersonating Bush}Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I come before you to announce a new plan of taxitude. Now before you turn off the televisioner, let me remind you that after all the exciting stuff, the election, the spy plane, the canceled TV show about me, the boring stuff has to take over.{Just then a tuft of white hair pops out under the left side of his chin. Father Time then tucks it back under the makeup on it and continues without a hitch}Now, I already spent half of my one year term worrying about that stuff, so I have to bundle down for the long U-Haul if I'm gonna do what my daddy did, start a super size execution with that mean Saddam guy.{Just then white hair pops out from the right side of his chin. Again Father Time tucks it back under the makeup covering it}Now, as for the taxitude plan, it will involve..

{Just then all the makeup on the bottom of Father Time's face falls out and his long beard pops out}

Voice: Cut, cut!{Sammy Melman comes out}How many times did I tell you F.T, this is the consequences of not shaving that thing off and giving our makeup guys an impossible job! Besides, that beard could make quite a killing on E-Bay since it's so old.

Father Time: Well, why is this sketch even here, there's no new tax plan to spoof, we just made that  up! There's nothing interesting going down there anymore, why lie about it?

Sammy: We have to stick to the blueprints of...that show we're making fun of.

Father Time: Wasn't planning to do that the reason why they almost made you bankrupt?

Sammy: I told you not to bring back awful memories! Now, if you watched that show, you'd find out that last season, almost every single cold opening they did was of Bush and politics, and those sketches made them hot again. If you're going to follow a formula, follow a winner, I always say.

Father Time: Unless that formula was of events that happened a few months too early for us.

Sammy: Do I look like someone responsible for that, I don't live in that city, I just helped save it! Now bring in the next guy!{Fade back to the Presidential logo}

Voice: And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.

{Back on the Oval Office set, we now see Chit Chatterson in Bush makeup, however, unlike Father Time, he's not even trying to impersonate him}

Chit: Hello fellow Americans! Are you tired of dreaming that you'll win the lottery and then be stripped out of half the money you won by taxes? Are you sick of shows that give away a million dollars and yet only lets you keep $500,000 of it, making its name a joke? Are you fed up with all the other stuff that has to do with that t-word? Then come on down to the White House where{yells}CRAZY GEORGE!{normal}will give you all the tailbreaks you want! Why? There's no other reason except that...I'M CRAZY!!

Sammy:{Entering the scene}Cut! Okay, I can forgive you for not sticking to the script, that improv stuff seems to work well on that network that has the first three letters in it's name, and for reusing an old bit, but that would be easier if you actually sounded like the so called President!

Chit: But that guy who made fun of the guy that fell down a lot didn't sound like him and he got a lot  more than 15 minutes of fame.

Sammy: That's Chevy Chase, and you're...not in this bit anymore! Next guy!

Voice: And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.{Bill Straitman now comes on in Bush makeup}

Bill: Okay, we already got through the Bush is an idiot jokes, can we just go ahead with the tax stuff?  Okay.{Speaks like Bush}Now, as for the taxitude plan, it will involve cuts for the middle class, cuts for the small class, cuts for extra large class, and cuts for those old ladies that had the blindness to not actually vote for Mr Bore.

{Suddenly a door knock is heard}

Bill:{Still in the Bush voice}Oh, someone's at the door, it must be my daddy's friends coming to tell me how to run things again.{Whispers to Sammy}Is this part of it?

Sammy: Answer the door anyway, maybe it'll help us.

Bill: Okay, I won't know who's come a-knocking if I don't open the door, my favorite was always that Morrson guy though.

{Bill opens the door to see none other than W.O.W dressed like Laura Bush}

W.O.W: Hi honey, you done with your little address cause I'd like to have lots of Presidential fun now, if you catch my drift.{Bill quickly closes the door}

Bill: Okay, I told you this would happen, but you wouldn't listen, so now I have to save myself by leaving and getting those restrainment papers finished up.{Bill runs away}

Sammy: Okay drastic measures time is here, get the last one out!

Voice: And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.

{None other than Loud Kiddington is seen sitting behind the desk now, but he does not look like Bush as a kid, somehow they made him look like an adult with the same height as one, only the face tells us that it's Loud}

Loud:{In a Bush voice of course}Now where were we, fellow Americans, I was too busy reliving my wild and crazy nights back in the day. Oh right, the tax cuts? I don't know where the papers for that stuff is, the guys that say they run the country instead of me never tell me where these things are. I'll find them though, even though they say I'm the President by name only, I...{He can't finish as he falls down while trying to get up}CUT! I CAN'T GET UP IN THIS THING!

{Sammy comes over and helps Loud up}


{Loud trys to walk but falls down immediately. After Sammy helps him up, he unbuttons his shirt to reveal that he is standing on stilts. He jumps onto the ground in his normal form}

Sammy: Okay, perhaps that wasn't my best idea, but we ran out of adult males in this cast, what else could I do?

Loud: Well Mr bought himself a deal to be a featured player on his own show, maybe you should give it a whirl.

Sammy: Come on, I direct impersonations, I don't think I can actually do them.{Father Time, Chit, and Bill then walk in}

Chit: Oh, so it's not okay for me not to sound like him but our boss can do that and it's fine, is that the message you're selling, Loudie boy?

Father Time: That makeup you gave me itches like the Charles Dickens, can we discuss that during the credits?

Bill: When you're done, could you get some brainless hunk in here before "Laura" comes back?{Everyone starts talking and arguing at once}

Voice: Oh brother, Lorne was so worried over nothing that it's funnier than anything you guys have said.

{The owner of that voice comes into view: it's Saturday Night Live member and Bush impressionist Will Ferrell. The studio audience gives him a big round of applause}

Sammy: Oh come on, I thought I finished my problems with you guys! Well, at least they sent someone other than that bizzare Kattan guy, though I did kind of like that Mango guy he played.

Ferrell: Before you give your bossy censor lady a chance to come out here, let me tell you that you guys are the ultimate example of the phrase, "If you want something done right,{talks in his Bush voice}you've got to do it to it yourself"{The audience applaudes again}

Chit: Hey, I'm glad you're here, you don't sound like the real Bush, so as a fellow bad impressionist you can stand up for me and get me back on there, plus I can really help your movie career take off with my special wheeling and double dealing. And further more...

Ferrell: Hold it, before you go on, let me remind you of something else I did on my show.{Starts dancing like a cheerleader}We are the mighty Spartans, we're quite a little bunch. Go check us out after you recover from this punch!{He throws his right arm back which results in him hitting Chit. He tumbles onto the desk and then falls behind it}

Sammy: If I had a nickel for every time I saw Chit go through that I'd be ever richer than I am now. Well, I guess we'd better actually start the show now.

Ferrell: Allow me. Live from...


Father Time: I'll do it, since I did play Bush better than any of you guys.

Bill: No, you only went through makeup, I went through the only one older than you during this bit, so I deserve it.

Loud: You know I am the only one who couldn't actually walk, so that gives me a leg up on all of you. LIVE FROM...

Chit:{Standing up in pain}Hey, victim of a cruel joke who needs a break over here that doesn't involve the breaking of a face over here.

Sammy: Apparently you forgot who gives you your paychecks gentlemen, and I use that as loosely as possible.

{The cast members continue arguing for quite a while. Ferrell starts to talk as they do}

Ferrell: Okay, now as I was saying, this is not going to catch on as much as the phrase I always get to say as the President, but like I said{points over to the angry cast members}If you want something done, you have to do it...LIVE FROM BURBANK, IT'S HISTERIA NIGHT!!

{Now the SNL spoofed title shots from "Writers of the Purple Prose" "Inventors Hall of Fame, Part II" and a few other episodes start to play. The Don Pardo-esque voice speaks}

Voice: It's Histeria Night Live{Pictures of the people are shown as they are named}With Aka Pella. Big Fat Baby. Bill Straitman. Charity Bazaar. Cho-Cho. Father Time. Froggo. Loud Kiddington. Lucky Bob. Miss Information. Pepper Mills. Toast. World's Oldest Woman. Featuring Chit Chatterson. Sammy Melman. The Histeria band. Musical guest, um...well, no one would come do our show, so there is none. But who watches the show for music anyway, you can hear everything they play on the radio.

Toast:{V.O}Hey, my killer sound could really liven up this show, let me on there.

Voice: If I said no 12 times, what makes you think I'll say yes on the 13'th?

Toast: Cause it's a lucky number like Lucky Bob?

Voice: You're thinking of the number 7 which you passed 6 times ago.

Toast: Of course I did, Father Time's old and slow dude, but what's that got to do with my music?

Voice: Go away and my friends will tell you! Now where was I? Oh yes. Special guest apperances by Will Ferrell and some other surprise guests. And your host....Gene Hackman!

{Cut to a main set much like the one on SNL.}

Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Hackman!

{Gene Hackman coems out on stage as the band behind him stops playing. When it does, the audience gives only a little bit of applause for Hackman's arrival}

Hackman: Thank you. Thank you to the 25% percent of you happy to see me, why only 25% we'll discuss after I say I'm thrilled to be here hosting Histeria Night Live!{Small applause breaks out again}And something I will discuss after I tell you that I am honored to be chosen even though they could have chosen someone else from that other show that's breathing down the neck of the boss man around here, but luckily it's minty fresh at least.{Small laughter}Seriously I was a bottom of the barrel choice because I never hosted that show before, apparently that show thought teen fads, former cast members that they can't stop running into the ground, and that unofficial cast member John Goodman were more qualified than me, but they were taken care of nicely before I got here, so here I am, and we're gonna have a great time.{Small applause again}

Voice:{Whiny and familar}Not with you here, Mr mean man!{Pule Houser is seen in the audience}

Hackman: Hello, and you are...

Pule: A rejected cast member who they said was too whiny and unlucky to be on this show, but I'm gonna prove them wrong, me and the other unapplauders!

Hackman: Right, so this is regarding...

Pule: You tried to kill my friends a long time ago, and now you've come back from the dead to finish the job, which explains why we're not laughing and clapping for you, evil guy!{More than half of the audience shouts their agreement}

Hackman: So this is what my friends meant when they said I had better get my life insurance straightened out before I came here.

Pule: Accurate, but barely funny!

Hackman: Okay, I'm no idiot, although you might think that judging from my being in Superman 4. I know what this is about, I tried to keep going with the monologue even though many of you didn't do anything, but now I have to get it out of the way and say that I am not Gene Burrows, the villain from those 24 Hours stories that they say I sound like.

Pule: But you voiced him and your name is Gene too and you sound scary!

Hackman: It's called acting, look into it.

Pule: He's even stealing his jokes from that sarcastic guy, he is evil!

Hackman: For the second time and unfortunately probably not the last, I'm not Gene Burrows and I'm not evil, I'm Gene Hackman, whom you might have seeing winning Oscars for "The French Connection" and "Unforgiven"{Small applause again}

Pule: You were mean in those movies too!

Hackman: Then perhaps films like Supermans 1 and 2, Hoosiers, Absolute Power, Crimson Tide, and Antz will erase your fears.

Pule: You were mean in all of that stuff and in the beginning of that Hoosiers film! You're just a big, powerful meanie who tried to kill everyone in the cast! Let's get him so I can be popular...oh, and so they'll be safe of course.

Hackman: Okay, this is the last time I'm going to try convincing you, mainly because it's such a good idea I hoped I wouldn't have to sue. Loud?{Loud comes onto the set to the sound of applause}


Hackman: Um, yes, hello. Now Loud here should be terrified of me most of all because I sound like Gene Burrows, but he's not because he knows that's just a part in a story that the Hollywood guys would never have made in real life, so I couldn't have done it, right Loud?

Loud: RIGHT!

Hackman: Yes, I'm right. If anything, that guy helped you, because good guys are only as good as the villains they have to face, and with him saying stuff like you're an annoying, one note worm that must be destroyed for everyone's good, that made it easy for you.

Loud: Um, yep.

Hackman: And him doing things like taking over a nation just to kill 3 people and announcing that if it didn't happen everyone would be slaves, mainly because you wouldn't die probably made you quite lovable by comparision.

Loud:{A bit uneasy} I guess so.

Hackman: And finally, the torment you went through while trying to conceal your feelings for Charity Bazaar because you knew Burrows would kill her if he knew, then the struggle that happened when he did know, and then there was that big battle in which that huge spider which nearly killed Miss Bazaar, but it did end in a happy ending after everyone hated you themselves, am I right? You had a happy ending even though all that bad stuff happened, didn't you?

{Loud is no longer listening to Hackman as thoughts of the events he mentioned go through his brain. He begins to look angry now}

Loud{A bit angry}Yes, we did get out of it, despite all the mean stuff said that you really said for him!

Hackman: Well I was good at it, you have to give me that. Quite good, yessiree, if in fact I did it.{Now Loud is quite upset}

Loud: Yep, and a bit TOO GOOD AS WELL!!

Hackman: Auidence, are you paying attention? This is what is known as Stage 1. I shall now run away like a coward to start Stage 2.

{Hackman runs off with Loud chasing him. He stops running when he gets towards Charity}

Hackman:{To Charity}That's your cue, little one.

Charity: Okay, here I go to do something hardly new for me.{Loud runs into the scene but Charity blocks his way before he can get to Hackman}


Charity: But actions speak louder than words, his words were good, but they can't compare to actions like this.

{She grabs Loud and kisses him for quite a while. The audience hoots and hollers from this action as she does so. When she stops, Loud faints and falls to the ground}

Hackman: Thank you Ms Bazaar for completing Stage 3. Now if you haven't figured it out, I got him mad on purpose so that the only thing that could calm him down was that magical moment. Unlike Gene Burrows, Gene Hackman said mean stuff so good things could happen for the other Gene's enemy. Although he probably won't regain conscious thought for a while.

Pule: Hey, that is pretty nice, especially when thought by someone who doesn't have that stuff happen to him like me. Let's hear it for Mr Hackman, everyone!{Everyone finally claps together for Hackman}

Hackman: Thank you for your eventual vote of confidence. Now someone get him out of here, I won't have any recurring doubts by him enter my show. Perhaps we should show him the props used in those stories, you know, the still useful for destruction four legged ones.

Pule: What?!{Security guards start to take him away}Hey, wait, help me!! Oh, who am I kidding, if they wouldn't help me the first 20 times, why would they start now? Bye bye hateful people!{He is dragged away}

Hackman: Well, now that that's settled what do you say we start the show? We've got a great one, no musical guest, but I'm here, some special guests are here and Gene Burrows is not!{The audience applauds}So for those of you who thought I destroyed my credibility as an actor in "The Replacements", stay here and watch me unintentionally destroy the rest of it by starring in these shameless spoofs. We'll be right back!{The audience applauds once more as Hackman signals some people to drag the still dazed Loud out of the scene}

{Opens inside a workout room as German music plays}

Voice: And now it's time for "Buffing Up with Frogs and Toanz" with you're buffed up hosts, Frogs and Toanz.

{Froggo and Toast come out looking very strong, though that's probably because they have towels tucked under the sweatshirts they're wearing. They speak in Austrian accents}

Froggo: All right, we're here. Welcome to the show, I am Frogs.

Toast: Ya, and I'm..Toanz? What kind of made up name is that, dude?

Froggo: Don't worry, all it is is something to identify you just in case the ladies get tired of calling you a buffed up muscle man.

Toast: Wow, that makes it better all right!

Froggo: Ya, but enough chatter, we have not arrived here to chatter, we've arrived here to buff....{claps his hands}

Together: You up!

Froggo: All right, we got that out of the way quick. Now, before we bring out our guest, we would like to remind you that we are well aware you couldn't care less.

Toast: Ya Frogs, we all know where the main attraction is, and I do mean attraction for all the ladies out there.

Froggo: Let us not forget the saggy losers out their who probably sold their soul to come close but still failed to be able to do this.{Both kids flex their "muscles" in exaggerated fashion}

Toast: I don't know who to be sorry for more, the saggy losers or the ladies that actually resist moments like that to be with saggy losers.

Froggo: A good question, but we're not here to spoof the MacLaughlin group again, we're here now to introduce our first{Claps his hands}guest!{Pause}Um, you were supposed to clap with me Toanz.

Toast: You mean we have to do that all the time? No one tells me these things!

Froggo: Well let me tell you, hopefully for the last time, that our guest is here. Please welcome on the show a gymnast coach from the gym down the street, Mr Werner Liederhosen!{Hackman comes out}

Hackman:{In an Austrian accent as well}Gutentag, Frogs and Toanz.

Froggo: Boy, the producer man must think he's really funny because this is making me laugh!{He does}

Toast: Talk about leading by example, Mr old and saggy girlie man!

Hackman: Laugh it up boys, but I believe I've got something for you that will wipe that buffed up arrogance of yours off your faces. I've brought some friends of mine that could very well clean..{Claps}your clock!

Froggo: Hey, you can make us laugh with your ridiculous claims, but do not rip off our act while doing that first thing!

Hackman:{Under his breath}Well if anyone knew about ripping acts off, it'd be you two.

Toast: What did the girlie man say?

Hackman: Nothing, or at least nothing that is greater than what you are about to see. I've brought two ladies from my gym who you could not, as you say, pop like a saggy pimple and snap like a wimpy twig.

Froggo: Do not speak treason, Liederhosen. You know when we're done proving you wrong, we could easily, um..well, do all that stuff you stole from us!

Hackman: Not after you meet my big friends, say hello to Miss Olga and Miss Helga!

{Two buffed up adult ladies walk into the scene, they are not any of the cast members and don't look like anyone we've seen on the show before}

Toast:{Whispering to Froggo in his normal voice}Hey dude, you get anywhere on figuring out who those babes are?

Froggo:{Whispering back}No, it's a puzzler, you'd think they'd get people we'd know for this, but they didn't.

Hackman: Whispering your fears, arrogant muscle kids?

Froggo:{Going back into character}No, of course not, we could easily pummel these girlie girlies!

Olga: Oh please, we did not come here to pummel anything, although it would be quite easy. We could wind up your head and make you spin like a tornado, and it would be easy.

Helga: Enough threats Olga, we didn't come here for threats, we came here to outbuff{Claps}them out!

Hackman: I thought we agreed we wouldn't stoop to their level.

Olga: But it was just too good to resist, give us that.

Toast: What you mean, "stoop to our level"? As if our level is equal to that of a would be un-girlie women?

Froggo: Ya, can we get to work stepping on their delusions now?

Hackman: Gladly, walk this way.{They all walk over to two workout benches}I am going to put 500 pounds on these bars and you are both going to lift them, then they will and they will have a much easier time of it.

Toast: Very well.{Hackman gets to work doing so}You know, this would be a good time to tell all you watching at home that this little comettition is for buffed people only, saggy people and people who are just delusional need not apply.

Helga: Then what are you doing here?

Froggo: Listen, do not tempt us, Miss would be buffed lady. I'd say what else we could do, but we don't want to spoil the surprise.

Olga: Oh, you've got surprises coming all right.

Hackman: Save the obvious stuff for later, I've got everything set up.

Toast: Ya, he's right, we're not here to chatter, we're here to...{He then sees Froggo on one of the benches}well, you know the rest. Wait for me, dude!

{The two kids are now on the benches lifting weights that are obviously just props, but they have a little bit of difficulty with them. After lifting them 5 times, they stop}

Froggo: Top that if you think you can.

Olga: No thinking is needed because we quite know we will. Come on Helga, let us buff up for the men with saggy brains.

Helga: Ha, that was a good one and so true too.

{The two women get on the benches and start lifting the weights, however, they're having a much easier time than the boys did. In fact, they have now started lifting the weights with one hand}

Olga: This is a nice weight I'm lifting, want to try it out, my equally unchallenged friend?

Helga: Why not?{The two hand off their weights to the other and finish lifting them. Finally they put them down and sit back up to the boys' shock}

Hackman: Gee, now who here with an open mind didn't see that coming?

Toast: Um, um, um...

Froggo: Hey wait a minute Toanz, the s-word comes to mind while watching that show.

Toast: Ew!

Froggo: No, not that, steroids! Begin the searching for the bad drugs that make saggy people pathetically unsaggy!

Hackman: I wouldn't do that if I valued my health, unlike you guys.

Toast: We are not here to listen to doubting girlie men, we are here to...

Olga: ...Get pumped _out_, it looks like to me!

Froggo: Come here and say that or we will first and it won't be pretty!

{Froggo and Toast jump onto the two women but they quickly shove them away and they look quite dazed from itself. They come right back though and jump on them again, but they throw them off again...however this time, they grab their faces and seem to be pulling them off. They land on the ground to see that they are holding masks, ands then see that the women have different faces on}

Hackman:{Whispering to the boys}Those things you're holding aren't in the script, or cue cards, or whatever this thing was written on! Give me those before we ruin what's left of this sketch that hasn't been destroyed already!

Froggo:{Breaking character}Maybe we'll do that after we find out who these women really are! Who are you?

"Olga": You caught us. We are former cast members of the show you are making fun of tonight.

Toast: Um, we still don't know who you chicks are, could you say that in English?

"Helga": Come on, you should at least know me, I mean, I did work with the likes of Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz, and Phil Hartman for heaven's sake.

Toast: Hey, that's right! You're that chick that sounds like a squeaky mouse. The name's Victoria, right?!

"Helga": Guess again, surfer boy.

"Olga": Well what about me? I mean, I am an original cast member of the show, I worked with Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, and all those other famous originals.

Froggo: Mrs Radner? I though we got rid of our time machine for this show, but I guess they got desperate. Could you do that Barbara Walters impression I heard so much about?

Hackman: Apparently you've got company that wants to hear that same thing.{Miss Info and Lydia Karaoke come out}

Miss Info: All right boys, stop being stupid and wrong, I set myself up quite nicely with that job, don't give me a run for my quarters.

Lydia: Right, skewed but right, those ladies are Laraine Newman and Nora Dunn, for heaven's sake!{The audience applauds now knowing who the ladies are}

Dunn: You know us?

Miss Info: Well we are old enough to remember the days when they actually showed reruns of your episodes.

Toast: You're saying that like that's our fault, aren't you?

Lydia: We'll make that the point later, but as for the women, yes we know you.{To Dunn}Although you were mostly in the background when compared to those famous people, at least there you weren't allowed to be as digusting at they were, with that liar person and that foul mouthed football guy and, well, I should never speak ill of the dead so I'll stop there.

Newman:{Looking upwards}You hear that John, you got lucky! Gilda, be thankful you don't have as much to worry about as he does.

Miss Info: How true! Now why'd you want to keep it a secret that you were the only funny ones in this skit?

Newman: Considering who those guys were playing, you shouldn't be surprised. We thought our former bosses would like to know first hand what you're doing to their "classic" skits, but then we found out about that Bush guy they have now showing up for them and it was too late to back out after that.

Lydia: Well you did fool us, you girls did disguise your voices well.

Dunn: If anyone could figure that out, you two could.

Miss Info: I don't know why you said that, but we'll take it as a nice compliment anyway.

Newman: Hey, y'all want to celebrate that after the show?

Lydia/Dunn: Why not, we've got little to do after this skit anyway!{They both laugh}

Miss Info/Newman: Well let's get out of this sinking sketch right now!{They too laugh and the four walk away}

Hackman: Boy are those Internet geeks gonna have a field day saying how right that last comment of my monolouge was. Guys, wanna try to finish this with dignity?

Froggo:{Back into character}Do not rub our wounds in, host man. All right, we might as well go now. Join us next week when we hopefully convince the producer men that special and unexpected guests are bad ideas.

Toast: Ya dude, until then I am Toanz.

Froggo: And although I should say my name first, I am still Frogs, and we'll be back to buff{Claps}

Together: You up!{The German music from before plays as the sketch fades to back and the two boys try to pull the towels out from under their sweatshirts}


{Opens inside the hallways of a school as the H! adults and Hackman chat while the kids look glum}

WOW: This back to school meeting went great, Principal.

Hackman: Thanks, at least one group of people agreed on that, eh returning kids?

Cho-Cho: Aw, did you have to drag us here for this?

Charity: Like he said, at least one group of people are happy tonight.

Miss Info: Say, shouldn't we hand out the schedules and stuff now?

Hackman: Although that was a poor attempt to change the subject, it's quite right, Mel. The paper's in the copy machine, just go in there and duplicate it, and watch out for the drinks and snacks in there too.

Miss Info: I guess that's what I get for having a big mouth.

Loud: Don't worry, you get used to it.

{Miss Info walks down the halls and enters a copy room with drinks and snacks in it too. She starts copying a paper nearby as we pan to Sammy Melman sitting at a desk nearby wearing a white suit and tie}

Sammy: Mel! The Melinator! Melonama! Time to ring the Mel! Mel Mel Bo Bell Banana Bana Fo Fel, Mel!

Miss Info: Hello Sam, I'm just using the copying of the schedule as an excuse to be a witness to your "jokes"

Sammy: Okay! Making duplicates! Duplicate-o-rama! Its dupestock!

Miss Info: Hmm, every 10 or 15 times you come up with a good one.

Sammy: All right, getting a compliment, a complimento!

Miss Info: And then there's stuff like that that makes we wish I hadn't spoken so soon.{She walks out with the copies}

Sammy: Melster! Doesn't realize how hard it is to think of new stuff, very hard to repeat yourself. The repeater!{Aka walks in to get a drink}Whitney! The girl with the acid whit! Whit-o-vich! Whit!

Aka: Hey Sam, just getting a drink, which I'm doing very quickly after hearing you talk.

Sammy: No duplicates for Whitty! Too young so she's getting a drink! I've been duped by the _un_duplicator!

Aka: You're just lucky people only see you for a minute or the hospital would know you quite well.{She leaves}

Sammy: Miss Unoriginal, doesn't realize how often I've heard that before! Nothing new for Miss Kibbles and Whits!{Cho-Cho comes in}Tress! The snappy tresser! Tressy!

Cho-Cho: Hello Mr Sameister, I'm just getting a snack.

Sammy: Miss Snackage! Miss Snacks, Crackles, and Pops! A regular eat machine, Eatie without Steve!

Cho-Cho: Sigh, how one dimensional can you get?

Sammy: Don't know, it's a rhetorical question! It has a question mark all over it, questapo!

Cho-Cho: So school found a way to be more horrfying I see, good for it.{She runs away. WOW comes in}

Sammy: Emma! Emma-ra-ma! Downloading info from Emster!

WOW: I have never understood anything you've ever said, so consider yourself lucky. I'm just making copies of these back to school lists.{Does so}

Sammy: Ah, making duplicates for back to school, school-o, the believer of education and thought control! No edu-tainment here, just cold hard factoids! Get the factioners out here!

WOW: This one wants out of here quickly, come on you hunk of junk, and to think I usually like hunks.

Sammy: The Sameister not too found of competition, just a warning. A warning from the Samman!

WOW:{Finishing the copies}Is that the best you can do? If it is, thank you to whoever's up there, you like me, you really like me!{Goes away}

Sammy: The ripoffster has left the room, the pillager of a field, quite literally, literama!{Hackman comes in}Principal White! The Princester, the artist who actually has a name! It's white as rain for the would be king who's just a prince!

Hackman: Actually I do run this school, so I have the right to tell you my response to those people's complaints.

Sammy: Complainterinos?

Hackman: Yes, Sam. You know, those little name games you've been playing, at first they were a little funny, but now...they're just annoying! You established your premise, and now you've beaten it up like Tyson when he wasn't a joke!

Sammy: Whitey made a jokey!

Hackman: Enough! And another thing, what is your actual job anyway, what task is it you don't do so you can make our names look like a bad joke?{Sammy thinks for quite a while, obviously not knowing the answer himself}

Sammy: Whit-e-e!

Hackman: Okay, you've been asking for a go at it for some time, here comes your granted wish! Oh boys and girls!{All the kids and adults come in}

Sammy: Uh oh, smells like disaster coming for the Sam-man! Thank goodness this is only a sketch so the
punchos are fake-o-rine! Um, right?

Father Time: Well now, we wouldn't say that.

Sammy: Hey, wait a minute! The writers are really to blame for this, get them!

Miss Info: You personally wrote this for yourself, so that takes care of that!

Hackman: Now to do something that I wish could have been done to the original guy that did this!

Sammy: Eeponski!

{Everyone jumps on Sammy and a dust cloud covers the scene. When it clears up Sammy is lying in pain on the ground}


Hackman: Good job kids. Sam-man, clean out your desk-o, clean the deskcologist, cause you're f-i-r-e-d, and fired is your name-o.{Everyone walks out}

Sammy:{Dazed}Sammy the fall guy is in painsky! Going to a hospital to lick his wounds after all, the cruel irony of the Whitmeister's joke has hit home.


Sammy: Okay, fade to black and get me an ambulance with complimentary lawyer for me, the not so invulnerable Sameister!{Fade to black}
This spoofs a sketch in the 70's called Consumer Probe in which Dan Aykroyd played a guy who sold unsafe toys. In this spoof however, Chit turns out to be selling something almost as dangerous.

Voice: And now it's time for "Buyer Scan" with your host, Lydia Karaoke.{Fade to a talk show set with Lydia in one chair and another unempty chair next to her}

Lydia: Good evening, I'm Lydia Karaoke. Over the last few years I have used my position as network censor to protect you, the viewing public, from the disgusting things that TV has developed a great love of showing to you. But there's something even more dangerous out there than almost everything I've gone against put together. And unlike us, you actually have to pay money to see it, and then get angry when you realize what you wasted 4 dollars for. I'm talking about bad movies. The biggest bombs of the century that insult the viewer's intelligence and are often quite offensive, the movies you couldn't pay me 50 bucks to see. But shockingly, I've found someone that disagrees with that cold hard fact. In fact, he even makes a career out of selling these wastes of cinema. Please welcome this fool of a man, Mr Irving Chattermay.

{Chit comes into the scene and sits down next to Lydia}

Chit: So, we meet again, Miss hater of my helpful short books.

Lydia: Please don't ruin this before it begins. Now, getting back on topic, you have appeared to choose the bottom of the barrel in jobs in actually trying to make people buy these critically disdained films.

Chit: Since when did critics become the judgers of what we should watch? Isn't it time we formed some opinions of our own instead of letting these fat guys and bald guys tell us what we think? Of course, maybe I shouldn't mention the bald guy anymore, right?

Lydia: Thank Heaven I was prepared for an outpouring of letters after the show or you'd be in big trouble. Now, let's take a look and one look only at what you're selling.{Takes out a video box of "Battlefield:Earth"}First you have Battlefield:Earth, the most loathed film of 2000 and the film that killed John Travolta's career for the 5'th or so time.

Chit: If he's so bad, why does he keep coming back?

Lydia: I don't know how to answer that without insulting the movie goers' intelligence.

Chit: Come on, it's a great movie! Just picture an Earth completely ravaged by aliens and so little humans left, it's a premise that can't fail! A Los Angeles Paper says "It's been a while since we've seen dumb entertainment this unpretentious, so why worry that it doesn't make a lick of sense?"

Lydia: You must have found that buried under stuff like the New York Times quote that after 20 minutes of this, extinction doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Chit: Well after this film, I guess you would want to die a happy man!

Lydia: So far that sounds like a good way to describe you compared to the other things. But even you can't defend this next film.{Pulls a video box of "North"}Try to defend this sorry film about a boy who divorces his parents and goes across the country looking for two shameless actors just there for the paycheck to be his new Mom and Dad, with Bruce Willis as an angel.

Chit: But that proves the guy can do more than blow people to bits, at least in a better way than that overhyped film about the creepy kid did. Besides, divorcing from your parent is every kid's dream at one point or another, it's wish fulfillment!

Lydia: Yes, for every kid who thinks his parents are bad, why try to settle things calmly and compromise when you can get away from them? No wonder Roger Ebert writes "I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience insulting moment of it. Hated the sensiblility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it!" Now what defense do you have for that, Mr Chatterway?

{Chit looks shellshocked by this horrible review}

Chit: Um, hey, let's take a look at this wonderful piece of work, Ishtar! Where can you go wrong with Warren Betty and Dustin Hoffman as lounge singers?

Lydia: Sticking them with an awful script, terrible plot and no real characters is a start.

Chit: Come on, who cares about any of that stuff when you have Beatty and Hoffman, together! The two greatest actors of our generation can't be completely wasted, they're great, and together, they're even greater! Didn't you watch "The Mexican" for proof of what I just said?

Lydia: 10 minutes was a bit too much for me. The same goes for the film that Ebert said had those two guys play dumb so successfully that there's no evidence that they ever could have made it in movies.

Chit: If you love Ebert so much, why don't you marry him, you certainly love talking about him. Okay, now I know you have no reason to dismiss these series of classics, the Police Academy sequels!{Pulls out several video boxes}

Lydia: Get those things away from me, I'll waste my voice denouncing them!

Chit: Well then, here's an epic tale from the director of "The Deer Hunter", it's "Heaven's Gate"!

Lydia: Why anyone had the guts to call it _Heaven's_ Gate with a straight face I'll never know.

Chit: But the guy who made it made The Deer Hunter, _The Deer Hunter_, one of the greatest Vietnam flicks of all time, even I know that!

Lydia: You never watched a minute of it, did you?

Chit: Well, no, but everyone says it's good, so I guess it is.

Lydia: I think you might want to rephrase your choice of words in case the word hypocrite comes to mind when describing you. And I don't see how anyone could love that terrible roulette scene in that movie that made Vietnamese people the devil.

Chit: I guess now I can see why you love the opinion of critics so much, you're just like them.

Lydia: Yes, we both make money, and how much have you made selling these trashy celluloid wasters? In your attempt to dumb down the movie goers that want to see quality work, have you gotten anything from it?

Chit: Do bruises gotten from people that bought my films count as something?

Lydia: I rest my case. Well, at least you'll have plenty of work ahead with the bombs coming to video in the next few months, such "films" like "Freddy Got Fingered" and "Pearl Harbor"

Chit: What's wrong with that first one, if that Green guy is so bad, why do so many people watch him?

Lydia: Because their brains felt like taking a very long vacation.{Pause}Now look what you made me say, I won't be surprised if _I_ get letters for that!

Chit: They'll hate you, but they'll love me when I sell "Pearl Harbor" to them. You loved Titanic, why not this? Besides, you chicks love hunky actors that can't act like that DiCaprio guy.{Lydia comes over and grabs Chit by the collar}

Lydia: Listen you, you can say stuff about movies and actors that aren't true, but you will NOT come on my show and say stuff like that about Leo! He was so brave in that movie and that was a QUALITY piece of work you're talking about!

Chit: Thanks. So don't forget, said quality piece of work, "Pearl Harbor" can be bought by you for $29.99 when I get it, you'll be glad I did.

Lydia:{Sighs}I think we'd better end this show before I start to get even more out of character. There you have it folks, now that you have a living example of the price of watching bad movies, I suggest you go to theaters and watch some really good movies, like "Shrek" and, well, um, and...

Chit: And Swordfish, starring that irrepressible John Travolta, complete with a special treat for you easily attracted males out there, myself being one of them. I watched it 6 times for one scene alone.

Lydia: What did I do to deserve hearing stuff like that, I just want to know! For Buyers Scan, this is Lydia Karaoke, good night.

{Opens on the Ellis Island harbor as we see the Statue of Liberty dance to music. Above, the moon turns around to reveal Bill Straitman's face}

Voice: And now it's time for History Update with anchorperson Bill Straitman.

{Fade to a newsdesk where Bill Straitman is talking on a phone}

Bill:{In horror}You're wearing that? Oh, not even the World's Oldest Woman went that far, and thank goodness for that. No, I don't want you to go into more deta-{He stops as he sees he's on the air}Oh, gotta go!{Hangs up the phone in a hurry}Thank goodness. Good evening, I'm Bill Straitman, and here's what I have to tell you.

We start in 44 B.C where Juliis Caesar was assassinated by Roman senators Brutus, Cassius, and some other less famous people. As a reward for their services, they were killed by their competion in the Emperor killing business, General Maximus.

In the 900's, the Vikings are raging havoc all across Europe, stealing and pillaging everything that is not theirs. An eye witness commented that this is horrible, they're taking...hey, leave my cat alone, Mr Red! Now where was I, oh yes, I meant to say....hey, that's my bed you're jumping on Mr Erickson, get off! Hey, don't look that way at me, I.....HELP! Just tragic.

In 1945, the first atomic bomb was created, the name of the bomb....well, why beat a dead horse to the ground when we talked so much about bombs in the last sketch?

Turning to Christmas Eve in 1776, George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River and captured enemy Hessians They would have gotten there sooner, but they rented the canoe later than expected after their problems with trying and failing to pay the toll for the Delaware bridge.

1620 Massachusetts was the site of the first Thanksgiving in which the Pilgrims and Indians feasted together. Afterwards the Indians confronted their arch rivals the Dallas Cowboys who beat them 31-7 as the Pilgrims hooted and hollared to their enjoyment.

1815 maked the end of the War of 1812, also known as the War in which the namer of wars had to find a new job. Also the final battle was fought two weeks after the war because the message of the war's end did not reach General Andrew Jackson in time. Turns out the postman sent to deliever was there but then figured out that the battlefield was the perfect place to follow in his co-workers' footsteps and lots of Redcoats found that out all too personally. Look on the bright side, with the responses that joke might get, you postmen will have a lot of work to do on Monday.

Ever since the battle over Darwinism, science and religion have been at odds over which side is better and more right. So to help out, we set up an Opinion/Counteropinion debate tonight. To represent the side of science is the most famous inventor of the Renaissance, Leonardo DaVinci.

{DaVinci comes out and sits next to Bill}

DaVinci: Buongiorno, Bill!

Bill: Thanks, And to represent religion, via satellite from Italy is Father Guido Sarducci.

{On the screen next to Bill, Father Guido Sarducci from SNL is seen}

Sarducci: Thanks for having me on here, Bill, this feels familar to me, though I don't know why.

Bill: Well you can debate that after you start this debate. Science vs religion, Father, you start us off.

Sarducci: Well what kind-a of a contest is this? A one sided one, that's what. Does anyone ever worship science, does anyone ever depend on it for life altering answers? Of course not, if anything science destroys stuff, whereas for religion we have not created one destructive weapon. We don't play God, we listen to Him and His judgement matters, unlike-a with you science types that want to impersonate him.

DaVinci: You sure like to speak for God, even though we don't know if you even talk to him. You can't prove anything, and the scientific inventions we come up with do. Has religion ever won a war or advanced civilization? When you find the answer to that, you will know that you wasted your time.

Sarducci: DaVinci, you clueless skank! First of all, since when have you people followed and created a book that is the most published book in history? A little thing called The Bible appears to have escaped you. And why should you be the one to say this when you never even created any inventions yourself?

DaVinci: Hey, I had some great ideas, I was too busy. I am the Renaissance Man after all.

Sarducci: If you're so great, why do people just mainly remember you for painting that one hit wonder called the Mona Lisa? Other than that, who knows what you did?

DaVinci: Well at least I did something instead of just sit around and tell people how the Lord works when there's really no proof that you're telling the truth!

Sarducci: I wonder if you'd be so bold if you said that over here in Italy!

Bill: Fellows, I think we're getting off topic here, can we get back to...

Sarducci/DaVinci: Shut up, we're arguing over here!

DaVinci: Now if you'll excuse me Bill, it appears I have a plane to catch.

Sarducci: And it appears I have to go and show just how many people revere and worship religion, better than a community that has protesters all around it most of the time, no one protests against religion.

DaVinci: Why would you have protests when you do all the protesting outside movie theaters?

Sarducci: Enjoy your little torments while you can, guy who ripped off my voice!{He leaves and the screen goes blank}

DaVinci: Well, sayonara then, and sayonara to the rest of you, I am outta here!{He leaves}

Bill: Um, Father Sarducci and Leonardo DaVinci everyone. Well, back to serious news now.

1969 saw man walk on the moon for the first time. And everyone will always remember astronaut Neil Armstrong's famous saying, "One small step for man, one giant leap for everyone not giving a darn about space except when old men and rich tourists go in it for the next 30 years."

The American Revolution took its first big step with Paul Revere's famous ride in 1773. He galloped on his horse and shouted that the British were coming, giving everyone time to prepare an attack. An important event? Yes. Something we wished we could have done when John Tesh got famous? Most definitely.

Henry Tudor married his 6'th wife in the mid 1500's. The wedding present? Well, you saw the song, I think you can guess that it was a headstrong warning.

1974, Richard Nixon resigned from office after the Watergate scandal. About 20 years later he died.  We'd tell you what he did during those 20 years, but we can't because 15 years of information in that time period were mysteriously deleted from our files.

In 1492, Christopher Columbus dicovered America for Spain. As a reward, the King and Queen gave him half price off the purchase of his next piece of clothes, but no parade.

Another important figure of the Renaissance was Michelangelo, who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. When asked to comment on it, he said, "Beat that, overmerchandised turtle 600 years into the future that got his name from me!"

Speaking of looking into the future, the greatest soothsayer, and probably only well known soothsayer of all time, Nostradamus, was born in the Renaissance. And following his request, I will now shut up about it.

Now let's talk about a serious issue in the present. The economy is not perfect, talk of a recession is at hand, and the worry is that there isn't enough money and stuff for the middle and lower classes. Here to talk about it some more is someone who we finally found time to include in the show, Pepper Mills.{Pepper comes on and sits next to Bill}

Pepper: AH HA HA, hi Bill!

Bill: Hello Pepper, I'm quite surprised you would be the one to talk about the lack of money and stuff out there for people.

Pepper: What are you talking about, I'm the perfect one to talk about this horrible rumor that there isn't any funny stuff out there!

Bill: Excuse me?

Pepper: Funny stuff, it's everywhere! They have all these funny jokes on computers, the comics are still as good as ever, and stand up clubs have sprung everywhere for everyone to laugh up a storm, AH HA HA! Then you've got all these class clowns in school literal clowns on the streets, some may think they're scary, but with hair like that and their generousity in giving people balloons, who could be afraid of that? AH HA HA! And get this, they say there's nothing good on TV anymore, do you buy that?{Speaks before Bill can answer}Of course not, becasue there is so much funny stuff on TV that it would take me 10 minutes to say it all!

Bill: Well then, we don't want to waste your time and the audience's, so...

Pepper:{Interrupting}Luckily I love to talk! AH HA! First they have all those hot shows for people my age on the WB, the greatest network on Earth!

Bill: Now that could be deemed quite wrong by people that watch shows like our old one.

Pepper: Well they'd be wrong, wouldn't they, AH HA! Then ABC has that Cleveland guy to give us laughs and direct improv at the same time, and they have that guy who overcame his addictions to be even better than that foxy guy!

Bill: Um, Pepper?

Pepper: Then we have NBC with Friends, which has never been better with all those "tacked on" guest stars, and that show that finally proves the unstraight are hilarious, and finally that hurtful but hilaritry inducing British lady! AH HA HA, funny stuff every which way you look! And I haven't even talked about how great The Simpsons has become over the last few years with that wonderful Homer character...

Bill: Enough! I won't stand back anymore and listen to you defend that falling apart show of all things, especially since this isn't a debate about funny stuff, it's about money and stuff, not funny stuff!

Pepper: Money?

Bill: Yes! Geez, maybe you should buy something called glasses so you can read the cue cards and get this stuff right for once.

Pepper: But glasses will make me look like a nerd! Do you want that on your conscience that you  made a lovely lady nerdy?

Bill: Never mind. Pepper Mills everyone.

The Great Depression hit America from the late 1920's to the 1930's. In related news, this is the first story of this kind we've done involving depression that didn't mention Charity Bazaar. Oops, it just did, scratch that one.

Attila and his rampaging Huns ransacked Asia between 50 and 40 B.C. Unlike what popular opinion says, we just recently found out they did not live like slobs, they then used their possessions to become rich and powerful, so 900 years later they could sue the Vikings for copyright and personality infringement.

1861, the South secedes from the Union and begins the Civil War, a.k.a the war they regretted ever bringing back the old namer of wars from our previous war story back since he still couldn't give wars an accurate name.

Tragedy struck in 1963 as President John F Kennedy was killed in Dallas. It wasn't a total loss however, as thanks to this event, nerds with nothing else to do found something to dedicate their lives to, debate endlessly over what really happened and turn Oliver Stone into a walking conspiracy joke.

1998 brought us the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewisky scandal, also know as an excuse to belittle our producer because he gave me this job long after all the good jokes for this story were taken.

The 20'th century saw the breakout of movies, as it evolved from it's preferred small stature into today's mass promotion and endless toy tie lins. Now here to present a history of movies in a bit entitled the 3 Movie Minutes is, shudder, the World's Oldest Woman.

{Pan next to Bill to reveal that sitting next to him is not the World's Oldest Woman, but Animaniacs' own Slappy Squirrel}

Slappy: Hey, look over here and see how wrong you are.

Bill: Wait a minute, you're not the World's Oldest Woman, you're Slappy Squirrel.

Slappy: One, no dung, Sherlock. Two, you say that like you're actually unhappy to see me. I can change that by any means nessecary.

Bill Of course I'm happy, but how'd you get here?

Slappy: I know all the tricks of the trade, I was around when they were made up, you know. Anyway, I came here because that Oldest Woman character is a huge ripoff of me, I did the old sarcastic woman bit way before you all came around and then wouldn't go away! So therefore I figure I should do this whole history of movies thingamabob over here, got a problem with that, guy whose handsomeness is a little overrated?

Bill: You think I'm overrated? Well that's a nice change of pace, by all means go on!

Slappy: Anyhow, let's start this thing. 1927, The Jazz Singer becomes the first movie shown with sound. I saw it, and let me say one thing: Karl Malone, please keep your day job.

1934, It Happened One Night becomes the first of two films to win all 5 major Academy Awards, Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, and some other thing. Hey, I'm old, I lose a lot of memory! Gee, I wonder if they got a bit of a "leg up" on the competition over here?{Shot of Mae West's famous leg showing is seen}It gets worse.

Casablanca becomes the biggest hit of all time and Bogart immortalized the phrase, here's looking at you, kid. You should talk Bogey, I'm looking at your picture right now, and what's that crawling on your head?

The Big Sleep becomes Bogart's next big hit. And after watching it, my brain hurt so bad from trying to figure out the plot I decided to follow the title's advice!

{Picture of Marlon Brando from "A Streetcar Named Desire is shown}Stella!! Hey Stella! Save me from starring in crap like every film I'm ever gonna do after the 50's!

{Picture of Marilyn Monroe is shown}Hi, my name's Marilyn, I'm your wife's scapegoat for the millions of Barbie clones out there, so please take it out on me...whoops, turns out in 1963 me or Kennedy's boys beat you to it, sorry girls!

Stanley Kubrick's black comedy Dr Strangelove came out in 1964. Yes Dr Strangelove, or How I learned to ride the bucking atom bomb of death!{Pause}Thanks for that one, Bill.

Bill: I didn't give you that one.

Slappy: Play along or I'll give you something much more destructive. Anyway, Kubrick struck back with the film 2001, a Space Odyssey. 2001 folks, and if you mutiply it by 10 that's the number of times we've heard about that film this year.  Roman Polanski. He directed Chinatown, he's foreign, and he's happens to be a idiol of a certain pop star for reasons the network won't let me say.{Picture of Michael Jackson is seen}It's called censorship, they've researched it.

The Godather became the next biggest movie of all time in 1972. I liked it less the next time I saw it, when it was every mobster film ever made after that!

Jaws. Just when you thought it was safe to think that after this film's success there would be no summer films promoted on every commercial on the planet!

{Photo of the movie Star Wars is shown}A long time ago in a movie house far far away, I saw a movie that anyone who talked against it would be destroyed by million of geeks around the world. Boys, the address is a tree outside Burbank, so get ready to face the gal who said this movie is bad bad bad! And I'd think twice about actually showing up unless you have your life insurance straightened out.

Apocalypse Now became the second of a zillion famous Vietnam movies to come out, but the only one to star our old friend Brando. If only I didn't use that joke about the use of his career earlier, I could have said that for all his movies after this, the title Apocalypse Now would be a good way to describe him now, thanks writers!

Raiders of the Lost Ark premieres in 1981. I liked it less the second time I saw it, when it was called Tomb Raider!

E.T made history, not in 1982 when it came out but for not coming out with a sequel one year later. It's called intelligence, Hollywood execs, look at Steven Spielberg for it.

{Picture of Julia Roberts}Hi Julia, I have two choices for you. First, I'll pay you a million bucks if you could stop smiling for 10 seconds, and second, failure to do this will result in you not being able to smile again if you tried, call me!

{Picture of Forrest Gump}Forrest Gump is like a box of chocolates, both make me sick!

And finally, American Beauty becomes a huge hit for its satire on suburbia, and for Kevin Spacey's Oscar winner role. Though personally, I though Brad Pitt would have been a more accurate choice considering the title, but that's just me! And that's my three flipping Movie Minutes, I'm getting out now!

Bill: Um Slappy, that was a bit over two minutes actually.

Slappy: So you actually expect me to stay here just to fix that?

Voice: That wold be nice for me!{WOW enters}You dare come in here and steal my bit in front of my hubby boy toy over here?

Slappy: Look who's talking about ripoffs, and hey, want me to show you a tape of earlier when he said he was happier to see me instead of you?

WOW: Listen, I'm not much into love triangles, so I think I'll just be getting rid of one of its elements right now.

Slappy: Okay, let's take this outside and do just that! Bye bye, newsguy who I'm gonna spare from being hit on for at least 2 months, if she's lucky!{Slappy and WOW walk out}

Bill: I don't know whether to call an ambulance, hug her until her other hip breaks, or both!{An explosion is heard}Well, I'll get to work on the first one later. But now before I go, I'd like to repeat the news stories for those unlucky enough not to hear it the first time because they can't. Here to repeat the news for the hearing impaired is Loud Kiddington.{An empty circle appears above Bill}We start in 44 B.C.{Pause, nothing happens}I said we start in 44 B.C.{Pause, again nothing happens. Bill finally notices the empty image above him{Hey, where is that kid?

{An envelope is then put onto Bill's desk by an unseen man. Bill picks it up and opens it}

Bill: Hmm, this is a letter from Loud.{Reads}Dear Bill, I've decided not to participate in this bit. I find it all too obvious, predictable, and just unfunny. Besides, knowing me, it would hurt the hearing impared more to hear me than it would help. Doing that to normal people I can try to live with, but doing that to people who didn't need my help not to hear is something I won't do. But I realize that people wanted to hear this, so I have a little sample of it which shall be heard in 3 seconds.{Stops reading}What the heck...

Loud:{V.O}BOOM!!!!{This blast knocks Bill over and he falls off his chair. It takes him a while to get up}

Bill: Ugh, thank you Loud for that worthy of your name performance. Hey, guess what? That's all the history for today, and ...ugh, I am so outta here!{Bill faints and falls down again}


{Opens on the Jeopardy! set as it's theme music plays}

Voice: From Burbank Califronia, it's Historical Jeopardy!, with your host, Alex Trebek!

{Cut to Alex Trebek, or what turns out to be Will Ferrell in his Alex Trebek costume[this time without a mustache]at the main podium, talking to the Trebek version of Aristotle seen in "H! Satellite TV"}

Trebek: Please, I'm begging you, you're a lot better than me and you sound a lot more like me than me, take over this game for me, I thought dealing with historical characters would be better than celebrites, but I made a big mistake!

Aristotle: You think you've got it bad? Try dealing with that arrogant twerp Alexander the Great every day, or Alexander the Greatest as he calls himself. Now I have to go and repeat history for about the millionth time by doing what I just said I always do.{He leaves}

Trebek: Please come back!{Finally notices he's on the air}Oh, sorry folks, just having a chat with a "friend" And welcome back to Historical Jeopardy, where historical characters play for the right to find out who can cheat the needy out of the most money. I am of course, a very sad and inaccurate portrayal of Alex Trebek. Now let's take a look at the scores for your laughter and my growing insanity. Cleopatra is in third place with negative $30,000 dollars.

{Cut to WOW dressed up as Cleopatra behind a podium}

WOW: Hey, what do you expect, how do you think I could possibly think of anything other than that-

Trebek:{Interrupts}I know what you're going to say, it'll be some crack or another about my attractiveness, and let me tell you it's getting very old much like yourself. But as bad as you are, you're nothing compared to King Romulus, the first king of Rome, who is in second place with negative $20,000 dollars.

{King Romulus from "Return to Rome" the guy who talks like Sean Connery, is now seen next to WOW}

Romulus: Ha, chickening out are we, Trebek? Trying to pass the torch and failing back there, eh? I knew that behind that silly mustache you finally had the guts to take away you were a coward, mainly because your Mom told me last night and all the nights before that, ha ha ha!

Trebek: If there's a merciful God, he will shoot me now. And finally, a failed experiment of mine, since we couldn't get any more historical figures and since I didn't want any celeberties, I thought that maybe paying someone to dress as a celebrity would be better for me, he couldn't be worse than the real ones. Well, that was my big blunder of the day, but this very poor impersonationer of actor Edward Norton is in first with negative $4,500 dollars.

{Hackman is now seen next to Romulus dressed as Edward Norton, but not very accurately though}

Hackman:{Trying with a minimim of success to impersonate Norton}Don't worry Alex, I'm gonna keep the faith and go on to victory today!

Romulus: Hey wait a minute, why is this guy being made fun of, you facial hairless tart? He's quite the good actor, I loved his idiot act in "Primal Fear" it was hilarious!

Trebek: Obviously you're one of the lucky ones that didn't see "Keeping the Faith" Well, let's get this over with and head on to Double Jeopardy. The categories are, "Potent Potables" "Revolutions that begin with the word Russian" "Historical quotes" "Famous years in 1776" "Is this Italy?" That's where I show you a map of Italy and you guess if it's a map of Italy. "The three ships of Columbus" and finally "The country we live in" I should advise you that all answers are America in that category. Cleopatra, you're in third place, so the board is yours.

WOW: I'll take one order of steak and a soda to go on our first date if you don't mind.

Trebek: You are a very sad and creepy woman.

WOW: Julie and Markie didn't think so and they were all over me. Although most of the time they were running over me and then went outside the home for a long long time.

Trebek: Good for them. I as always shall have to pick the category for you. "The three ships of Columbus" for $600. And the answer is, these ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.{"Norton" buzzes in}Mr Norton?

Hackman: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Trebek: What?!

Hackman: I said if you want me to get the answer right, I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Trebek: Thanks for the offer, but while I still have the strength let me remind you that you're quoting a line from "Fight Club" that you didn't even say!

Hackman: Are you looking to violate the first rule of Fight Club, pal? Okay, let's go then, bring it on!{He prepares to pull off his shirt but Romulus stops him}

Romulus: Stop boy, I'm the only one who's supposed to impress the ladies on this show! Them again, I guess Mrs Trebek wouldn't like that very much and it would distract me from my tormenting of you, laddie.

Trebek: Need any help with that shirt, Mr Norton? Then again, never mind. Does anyone have an answer?{Romulus buzzes in}King Romulus?

Romulus: Trebek, Trebek, and Trebek!

Trebek: What kind of answer is that?

Romulus: Well all I need is a few more minutes to torment you and you'll be driven to eat until you look like at least one of those things, got it now?

Trebek: I hate you.

Romulus: Well what do you expect, I'm not a smart man, I mean I was led to believe that Rome could be built in a day and I got scammed! I need someone to take it out on, and you won the lottery, so be proud that you're helping me express myself!

WOW: If he doesn't do a good job maybe I could help out, get me?

Trebek: That would be both a happy and disgusting thing for me to see. The answer was the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Okay, Romulus, unfortunately it's your turn to pick.

Romulus: I'll take hysterical oats for $10 000. Funny thing though, I didn't think oats were considered funny by anyone but me.

Trebek: That's historical quotes, not histerical oats! That mistake didn't even make sense!

Romulus: Well you didn't give me much to work with this time, I had to think of something! And that famous beers in 1776 topic was too easy for me.

Trebek: I tried, I really did. Well, let's go with historical quotes for $800. The answer is, this is the last word in the statement, "Give me liberty or give me death!"{Hackman buzzes in}Mr Norton?

Hackman: I am Edward's confused brain.

Trebek: What the heck was that?!

Hackman: I found a line from "Fight Club" of my own to make fun of, like it?

Trebek: Unless one of the lines in that line was death, and it isn't, my answer is no!

Hackman: Come on, the real guy didn't have any cool lines everyone remembers to make fun of like the guys you always have, I had to think of something!

Trebek: That's why I got you in here in the first place, now do you have an actual answer?

Hackman:{Pause}There was no answer, you say? You're wrong, there never was an Edward.

Romulus: Ha ha, he's spoofing the idiot act again, I love this guy! Why can't you be that funny, Trebek?

WOW: Yeah, at least Julie and Markie had a sense of humor, they always joked about how they couldn't stand me, but that's just their way of showing love.

Trebek: Do you have an answer to follow up with that predictable story, Cleopatra, please?

WOW: What are you willing to give for it? You know my back is acting up, I could use someone to make it feel better, for that I'll give you anything you want!

Trebek;{Talking upwards}Why me, what did I do to make you hate me? Anyway, the answer was death. Cleopatra, you pick again.

WOW: I'll take potent potables for $400.

Trebek: You what?! But, but no one's ever picked that before, we just put it there for show! We don't have any answers for that because no one ever picks it!

Romulus: And that's her fault, not yours, right mustache less man?

Trebek: Don't provoke me, kingie.

Romulus: Quite the other way around, that statement is. You know, you never have families come up here, I'd like to change that. Guys?{A pack of wolves come onto the stage and sit next to Romulus}My adoptive family, Trebek. Trebek, your potential worst nightmare.

Trebek: Too late, I'm living it now.{Hackman buzzes in}What now, Mr Norton?!

Hackman: What is me and Robert DeNiro and Marlon Brando?

Trebek: I'm not even gonna ask what that means.

Hackman: But me and those guys were quite potent together, at least that's what we thought until the box office came in. I mean, we were beaten out by "Legally Blonde" for heaven's sake! What happened?

Trebek: All right, let's just end this now before I make a killing that won't be at the box office! Let's go to Final Jeopardy, where as usual, we'll forget the question. All you have to do is tell me your name.{The Jeopardy theme plays as the contestants write down an answer}There is no reason this should take so long, just write down your name, or your first name, initials would also be nice. Anything that reminds me of your name. If you get this wrong may God have mercy on your soul, and on mine after the acts I may be forced to do if you get it wrong.{The music stops}All right, let's get this done with. Cleopatra, you wrote...Mrs Trebek. Now who didn't see that coming?

WOW: Well I've been divorced twice by famous people, and they do say the third time's a charm. You ruling any countries right now that I could ruin for you?

{A man then comes up and gives a package to Trebek}

Trebek: Ah, it finally came in. I have a present for you, Cleo.

WOW: Aw, you shouldn't have although I would have forced you to later.{She opens the package and a snake comes out}Gasp, a snake, I love these things, they really come in handy when you're at the end of your rope.

Trebek: I'm counting on that.

WOW: Come on, snakie, I guess we should go and give you a nice rock to play with.{She walks out with the snake}Hey, that's not a good body part for snakes to play on...OW!!

Trebek: In the words of a character that used to be very funny, I didn't do it. Now let's skip Romulus because I want more time to have my perfect health, and go to Mr Norton. What is his name, his answer....I am Edward's answer. That's just perfect.

Hackman:{In a normal voice}Can I have the money you promised me now? I did my end of the bargain!

Trebek: All too well, you pointless guest star. Just go over to my bosses and they'll give your not very well deserved paycheck to you. You could have at least sounded like Mr Norton you know.

Hackaan: Hey, I watched American History X 5 times, I could impersonate some of his actions there if you want.

Trebek: Someone give the man his money now!{Hackman walks out to get it}Finally, we go to King Romulus who has a poop eating grin on his face. Even he should be able to answer this, and he said...your daddy. Oh great.

Romulus: Funny, that's what your Mom said when I told her the news that you were on your way.

Trebek: Okay, you want to go, be my guest.{The wolves then bark at him before he can get to Romulus}Hmm, then again, never mind.{Pause}Hey, what the...

{Someone walks into the studio: it's Sean Connery himself, not the caricature of him on SNL, it's the real Sean Connery himself. He waits for the audience applause to stop before speaking}

Connery: I beg to differ with your last statement, Will.

Trebek: Mr Connery? What are you doing here?

Connery: And I thought the dumb ones were supposed to be the contestants. Look, I got tired of waiting for you SNL people to put me on your show, so I decided to come here and give this crude impersonator of me the what for.

Trebek: In that case, I really hope you get away from those wolves before doing so.

Connery: Ha, I didn't get cast as Bond for nothing, laddie. Stand back.{He pulls out a gun. He fires it and instead of bullets, meat comes out which lands next to the stage. The wolves then run away to get it}Now that's the Connery way to do things.

Romulus: Leave me be, actor man, I was the king of Rome before taking this gig, you know.

Connery: And I'm just a guy who's sick of having his naughty image be taken too far, but what do I know? Mr Hammond, if you're out there, here's a preview of what will be your highlight of next season, though I will be able to be in a healthier mood to celebrate it.{He jumps on Romulus and starts fighting him}

Trebek: Well, that would teach Darrell to stop whining that his only real character is out of office now. What, oh, we're still on the air, sorry. This has been the happier than usual finale of tonight's Historical Jeopardy. Please join me in praying that this is the last episode of all time so I can save my sanity.

Connery: Well you can't have an episode without someone like me, so I can help your wish come true quite a bit.{Gets back to beating Romulus}

Trebek: Well then, wait for me! I'm Alex Trebek, good night!{Closing Jeopardy! music plays as Trebek goes over to the brawl}

Note, this was written long ago so the events previewed had at that time not happened yet, explaining why this is a bit outdated.

{Opens inside a bar where we first see someone wearing a Philadelphia Phillies shirt and he is a bit roundish, in fact, he is "Cheers" John Ratzenberger}

Ratzenberger: Good afternoon, I'm Rod Twirlski, and welcome to another addition of the Philly Megafans! Philly! With me as always are the megafans, first there's Tom.

{Cut to Chit sitting next to Ratzengerger}

Chit:{With an East Coast accent}Hey there Rod.

Ratzenberger: Then there's Carl.{Cut to Sammy sitting next to Chit}

Sammy:{East Coast accent}Hey there guys, go Philly!

Ratzenberger: And finally Jimmy, the guy who's seen all the excitement of some certain teams that reside in a certain city that come October, will be home of a team that will hoist the championship over its head, a team we simply call...Da Phils!

Everyone: Da Phils!{Cut to Father Time sitting next to everyone}

Father Time: Shouldn't you have waited for me to be shown before you did that, that's how we did it in the glorious 70's and 80's, right?

Everyone else: BOO!!

Ratzenberger: Oh, nice one to start things off, gentlemen. Now let's turn our attention to Da Phils. Da Phils are currently neck and neck with the Atlanta Braves for first place in the NL East, led by  that fiery titan of the turf, Larry Bowa.

Chit: Bowa's da man, my friends, he da man!

Everyone: Da man!

Ratzenberger: True, very true. Seriously, Da Phils as of yet have not run over the Braves with their powerful cleats, so that leaves us to think, why has Bowa toyed with them so much by letting da Braves think they can win this thing, Carl?

Sammy: Well you know Bowa, he's always the tough guy, he goes for the jugular when you least expect it. He's just biding his time letting those Atlantians get delusions in their heads and then...WHAM! They go down in a heartbeat, baby!

Father Time: You can't defeat logic like that, my friend. Bowa's one of us through and through, a no holds barred cut throat.

Voice:{V.O}Bowa's a sissy!

Ratzenberger: What, did I hear right, did I hear someone call a certain Coach Bowa a sissy? Did I hear a lie, my friends?

Everyone: Get him!

Ratzenberger: All right boys, the usual stuff this time!

{The Megafans throw some bottles, hotdogs, and other stuff to the left. Sounds of running away are heard afterwards}

Ratzenberger: Boo, get out of here, Bowa hater! Good job boys, best throwing action in a week.

Chit: Well we did a lot of booing and throwing on a certain Monday night at a certain game that was not played on the certain bad turf of the, everyone....

Everyone: E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!

Ratzenberger: A.k.a the sisses who cheated us of our money!

Father Time: Yeah, let's call a spade a spade, sure the turf wasn't safe, but that was the perfect chance for the Eagles to make a statement that they wouldn't back down from a challenge! I saw them play in the snowstorm of the year in 48' and they won the title, why couldn't they overcome this?

Ratzenberger: Perhaps Coach Reid does not have the toughness and never give upness of a certain special guest we have today.

Sammy: Oh yeah, we got the big guy here today, he took the time from his road trip in St Louis to be wth us, here he is, the one and only Philly legend, Coach Larry Bowa!

{Hackman comes on wearing Phillies pinstripes and sits down next to the Megafans}

Hackman: Hey there Rod, Tom, Carl, Jimmy whom I remember cheering most of all from my playing days.

Ratzenerger: He had some competition there, my friend.

Hackman: But not the distinctive beard that made him easier to make out.

Father Time: Stop, you're flattering me. Would someone get our food over here now and something for our beloved coach?!

{Miss Info comes out carrying a few plates of meat}

Miss Info:{In an East Coast accent too}Here's your unhealthy food order right here gentlemen.{She puts down the plate and the megafans start devouring the food on them}Anything for you Mr Bowa?

Hackman: No, nothing for me thanks, but something tells me I'm not gonna regret saying that by seeing these guys barely chew their food.

Ratzenberger:{Speaking while eating}Oh really? Turns out you're looking at two of the last 4 Wing Bowl champs in this group, so if you weren't Bowa, I'd ask you to show respect.

Hackman: That both impresses and depresses me.

{Suddenly Sammy starts coughing and choking}

Father Time:{With the remains of food all over his beard}What's that, what's happening?

Sammy:{Barely able to talk}Nothing, just choking on a prime rib!

Ratzenberger: Tom, wanna take this one?

Chit: No, I think it's your turn this time, Rod.

Ratzenberger: Well, here I go then.{He goes over and performs the Heimlich Maneuver on Sammy and eventually something we thankfully don't see comes out of his mouth}Feeling better there?

Sammy:{Catching his breath}Thanks Rod.

Father Time: So how many choke attacks is that for you?

Sammy: About 7 in the last 10 days, my friend.

Ratzenberger: Good average. Oh sorry, where are my manners, we haven't even asked you any questions, Coach Bowa.

Hackman: Fire away.

Ratzenberger: This weekend you're playing the one man team known as the St Louis Cardinals. Be honest, are you gonna try to limit your runs to 20 or less, or will you just pour it on?

Hackman: Well, they are a credible ballclub, so I don't think scoring 20 runs will be much of an option for us.

Father Time: Did you say that before that 26-22 classic in Wrigley Field? I'll bet you did so that means we're finally gonna see your big guns come out! I betcha you score no less than 25 runs in all of the next 3 games, you'll find a way!

Hackman: Thanks, I guess.

Ratzenberger: Next question, how do da Phils decide how long a wait it should be for them to take a title?

Hackman: That question doesn't make much sense.

Sammy: Well, we all know the only reason da Phils lose so much is because you're waiting to make your move. After winning da pennant in 1915 they decided to lose for 35 years which would get the other teams into a false sense of security and then BAM! Then you waited 30 years to take the World Series, and we thought you decided to give up the plan when you took the pennant in 83, but we figured out 10 years later that you pulled off a great trick by winning, then losing for a long time till you got them! P-H-I-L-L-I-E-S, PHILLIES ALL THE WAY!{The Megafans all cheer loudly}

Hackman: Heh he, well that's the kind of spirit we want in our fans, it's kind of embarrassing, but it's siprit.

Ratzenberger: And congrats on getting your old ballcub, a certain team that will be destroyed by you in October, the Seattle Mariners, into winning all those games.

Hackman: Well I left them after last year so I have no more connection with them.

Chit: Shh, we know about your plan to get them to win so when you destroy them in the World Series, it will be a greater victory, you don't have to tell us.

Hackman: Um, you're welcome?

Ratzenberger: Now let's talk about something a bit more unpleasant, a certain soon to be departing third baseman by the name of Scott Rolon!

Everyone except Hackman: BOO! BOO ROLON!

Ratzenberger: Coach Bowa, we all know you're gonna get rid of that bum, the question is when? Come on, it's a talk show, you're supposed to say things like that, when's the bum being thrown out?!

Hackman: Well we'd like to keep him here, it'll take some effort, but we're going to try.

Chit: Come on, he's a bum, he's done nothing for no one! The only reason he did anything last week is because you made him with those comments you told Dallas Green to make, you were behind that whole thing where he all of a sudden did something!

Hackman: Actually I think he did it all by himself with hard work.

Ratzenberger:{Pause}Did you get a lobotomy?

Hackman: What?

Ratzenberger: That's the only reason I can think of why you said that. The real Bowa would be mad and angry and throw the bum out in a second like the good old Bowa we saw in Philly and as a manager in San Diego, where is he?

Hackman: Those days are behind me Rod, I'm not that explosive anymore and look what good it's done us. And no, it's not a trick involving me exploding later on before you ask!

Father Time:{Pause}You're a nobody Bowa! A nobody!

Hackman: But you were just worshipping me a second ago.

Sammy: A real Philly guy would know we don't stay behind people that long! It's boo time again, boobirds!

Megafans: BOO, BOO!!

Hackman: I don't have to take this from you people!

Chit: Well take this then! Frozen snowballs out!

{The Megafans get out snowballs and throw them, but Hackman ducks before they hit him}

Hackman: Is that the best you can do?! All right then, it's my turn, you want a mad, angry Bowa, not the "Sissy" one whom I'm surprised you didn't make fun of for only being ejected once this year?!

Father Time: I knew I should have told you we forgot something!

Hackman: Come and get me boys, but first be prepared for a little trick I learned from my old boss in Seattle! But since there are no bases to throw, I'll settle for this chair!

{Hackman picks up his chair and throws it, hitting Ratzenberger and making him land on his plate of food. He then starts choking}

Ratzenberger:{Barely talking}Help, choke attack number 5 over the last 2 weeks is here!

Chit: Your turn, Jimmy.

Father Time: About time, I do have the most experience you know.{Father Time gives Ratzenberger the Heimlich and after a few seconds he stops choking}

Hackman: Well, that should tell you that you can take no more from your beloved angry Bowa! Now I've got a division title to win for all you slobs in this town.{He walks out}Out of my way, pipsqueak!

Sammy: Well he won the battle my friends, but let's leave him with one more glorious chorus of what we do best to show him he didn't win the war!

Megafans: BOO!! BOO!!

Ratzenberger: All right that's all the time we have my friends, we gotta go. Join us next time when we go back to rooting for a certain team that resides in a certain town that wil be the home of a certain trophy named after a certain coach of a certain team we beat in a certain year called 1960, the team, the Packers, the trophy, the Lombardi, the tream that will take it home this year...Da Eags! Or if you want to call them by a traiditional name, the...

Megafans: E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!

Father Time: That's the ticket, my fellow sporting fans!

Ratzenberger: See ya next time on the Megafans!{FTB}

Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, the Histeria Kid Chorus!{The Kid Chorus comes out on a stage with a red curtain behind them, they are wearing formal shirts}

Charity: Tonight we've entertained you, we hope, with our spoofing of a famous show. But first and foremost we are teachers of history, the only ones without a license though.

Aka: And since we're back on TV, we figured this would be a perfect chance to tell our homies about someone whom without, none of this would be possible.

Froggo: We are broadcasting this live from America, but there would be no America without someone who never gets any credit for starting this place. For George Washington and friends would never have tried to make this land free without this man's tyrannical attempts to keep us down.

Loud: So without further exposition, we would now like to pay tribute to this misunderstood man. HIT IT!

{The Chorus take off their shirts to reveal that they are now dressed like British Redcoats. The curtain behind them comes up to reveal people dressed like Redcoats and as Buckingham Palace guards. A picture above is that of British King George III. Music starts to play which is a mix of the tune from Steve Martin's King Tut song and of the British national anthem. The people in back start to sing to this music}

Backup singers: King George! King George! King George!

Charity:{Singing}Two came before him, this third one was a charmer! His taxes gave the American Revolution it's start-a!

Backup singer: King George!

Loud: Sent a lot of Redcoats!

Backup singers: Crazy George!

Aka:{Speaking}Hey, what rhymes with Redcoats?

Backup singers: Born near Brittania, nearly went insania!

Chorus: King George!

Loud: He lost America, and he wasn't feeling groovy! Soon he lost his mind, which was portrayed in a hit movie!

Singers: King George!

Charity: Nearly won a Oscar!

Singers: Famous George!

Aka: Lost to Forrest Gump-a!

Singers: Born near Brittania, nearly went insania!

Chorus: King George!

Singers: George, George!

Froggo:{Speaking}Ruled for 40 years!

Singers: Powerful George, George!

Aka: Had plently of beers, right?

Singers: Drinking George, George!

Charity: The Brits loved his style!

Singers: Lovable George, George!


Singers: Ooh, ooh ooh! King George! King George!

Aka: Now we think he's a baddie, but give him credit here! Cause if he wasn't bad, we wouldn't haven't fought to be free!

Singers: King Geroge, George!

Charity: Glad he's not alive now!

Singers: Dead George, George!

Froggo:{Speaking}Or we'd be in big trouble now!

Singers: Born near Britannia, nearly went insania! Born near Britannia-

Chorus: Nothing else rhymes but insania!

Everyone: King George!!{The Chorus and singers take a bow as the audience applauds}

{Opens inside a room with all the H! kids except two in it along with Hackman}

Hackman: So, is everyone stoaked up for another night of kid friendly grooving?!

Charity: We're waiting for those guys that usually get us started for that.

Cho-Cho: Yeah, I mean in the room next to us adults are dancing everywhere, but we need a jump start, and those guys are it.

Lucky Bob: Yes now, I finally got a line now!{Pepper runs over}

Pepper: AH HA, they're coming! Get the song ready!

Hackman: As supervisor, I aim to please, but apparently I don't do as good a job as the guys about to show up! Oh well, play the song!

{The song "What is Love" starts to play as the only H! kids not in the room already come in, it's Loud and Froggo. They are wearing a blue shirt and purple shirt respectively, and bobbing their heads up and down. They start dancing to the tune while bobbing their heads. The kids seem impressed, the girls most of all}

Aka: So who's gonna go over there first?

Charity: It was your turn last time, now it's my time to shine! Look out guys!

{Charity goes over to the still dancing boys and starts dancing with them. The dancing is pretty much indescribable, but it makes the crowd cheer. Aka then comes over and joins the three}

Hackman: Well this is at least in the top 5 of most frenzied times these kids are having. At least they picked a catchy song to dance to though.{Walks over to a door to the left}They'll be busy for a while, might as well check on how my peers are doing.

{Just then two guys come into the room through that door, they are dressed in cheesy foreign shirts and pants. Bill Straitman is one of them, and the other is Will Ferrell again}

Bill:{In a Czecheslovakian accent}Hello, supervisor guy, are the kids here battering up nicely? 

Ferrell:{Also in a Czech accent}Well I don't know about them, but I will tell you that your two favorite Czech brothers are over there getting a lot of swinging action from the American ladies looking to batter up with dancers like us!

Bill: Well what's to stop them, the American men have hardly made any moves that suggest they could do any better, did they?

Hackman: I'll just take your word on that.

Ferrell: With good reason, for we are...two wacky and reckless men!

Hackman: Well the word is certainly out on that back there, I heard.

Bill: Hmm, well it appears that the future foxy ladies of America are having their share of fun back here.

Ferrell: So that explains the annoying song playing while we were talking. But would our American friend explain what all the, as you say, hubbub is around those two?{Points to Loud and Froggo}

Hackman: I guess they're what you would call the Yanni and Fenstrok of the kid section.

Ferrell: Ha, a joke, I love American humor! Those kids are nothing like us, it's the same premise, only carried out a lot worse.

Hackman: Tell those girls that, although you might not get far before they make sure you can't say any more.

Bill: No no, he has a point, we may not be sophisticated and stuff, but at least we speak! What kind of pickup lines have they used that they'aeeapperantly decided to keep secret since we got here?

Hackman: Well mostly they just dance and bob their heads up and down.

Ferrell: Oh, well I can tell you that's harder than it looks, and the neckpains are unbearable.

Bill: They have no jokes and they don't even talk? I guess that'll be their funeral when they get older, the foxy ladies get wiser when they get older, and they actually want to be charmed instead of getting bounced around like over there.{Pan to Loud and Froggo swing dancing with several of the girls}

Ferrell: Yanni, it's not like the foxes are going anywhere right now, why don't we teach them the common knowledge they'll get at a older age right now so it won't be surprising to them later?

Bill: Right with you, bro. Let's teach them their flaws in battering up!{They walk over to the kids in ridiculous fashion}

Ferrell: Hey, kids in the admittedly stylish suits, let us speak with you!{Loud and Froggo come over still bobbing their heads}

Bill: Hello, we are Yanni and Fenstrok, two adult ladies men who couldn't help noticing your amateurish way of swinging.

Ferrell: We'd like to warn you that the more older, wise foxy ladies won't be as charmed by a stupid song and one note gestures like head bobbing, I've seen it myself and the results aren't very pretty.{The kids continue to just bob their heads}

Bill: Hey, perhaps we can more easily tell if you're agreeing with us by turning off that song.

Hackman: I'm on it, just in a time too, a few more minutes and that bobbing would go from slightly amusing to too annoying for words.

{He goes over and turns off the CD player nearby, stopping the song. The kids look shocked and angry for a second. Loud then goes back to bobbing his head, but then stops in shame}

Ferrell: All right, now that the song is taken off we can find out what else you have besides cool dance moves and gestures you can only tolerate for 4 minutes at a time.

{Loud and Froggo think for a moment, in fact longer than a moment, both are confused about what to do}

Bill: Okay Fenstrok, the intervention and examples are needed for this. Bring out the fox we were making progress with before 2 and a half minutes ago.

{Ferrell goes back inside the dance room next to the kid room and brings back Miss Info a few seconds later}

Ferrell: Okay kids, this is tip number one on how to better batter up, the joke.

Bill:{To Miss Info}Say miss, how many pieces of clothes can a Czech man wear at a time?

Miss Info: You're gonna tell me anyway, so I guess I should play along and say no.

Ferrell: Well, here's the answer. Next time, he should wear more than 1 when he goes out in the mud!{The adults laugh}

Hackman: Could you repeat that so I can write it down and change it around for my own attempts to "batter up"?

Bill: No problem, we're all here to learn. Now back to the actual students, what kind of funny lines do you have for the young foxes you can get with?

Toast: Yeah crazy dudes, you got anything to say at all? If you don't that would really help me get somewhere without you to worry about, right ladies?

Cho-Cho: Wait until they say something before you make yourself a successor. Um, you can make that happen sooner at any time, guys.{Loud and Froggo are still thiinking}

Ferrell: Come on, though it's not true we can wait all night.

Froggo: Really, cause that would really help...oops.{The girls gasp at hearing his raspy voice}

Loud: WAY TO GO, FROG BOY!!{Everyone cringes at this}

Charity: No wonder they didn't want to talk, they sound horrible! What a gyp!

Aka: We wasted our time with a loud guy and a hard to understand what he's saying guy? That's a real downer for our egos.

Pepper: Come on girls, let's try the Roxbury and find some guys that sound less annoying. AH HA HA HA, I love new clubs!{The girls all leave}

Toast: Wait for me, potential successor or whatever coming through!{He leaves}

Loud: COME BACK!{To the Czech brothers}THANKS A LOT FOR RUINING US!!

Froggo: All we had were our dances, catchy songs and imitative gestures, and you had to take them away!

Hackman: Your necks will thank you later, though if business around here fails because of this I won't. But for now I'm just glad I can finally play another song in this place.

Bill: Sorry young swingers, but at the very least this is a lesson that to be good at your nighttime moving and shaking you need to speak, be funny, but it doesn't hurt to keep the dancing.{Bill and Ferrell dance their own crazy moves}

Miss Info: I'm not gonna argue with that. Now can we go back to you showing me that without kids around?

Ferrell: Certainly! Batter up!{Miss Info walks back through the left door with the other two adults following with their indescribable walking style}


Froggo: You said a loud little mouthful, my depressed friend.

Ferrell: You'd certainly think differently if you were like us, two...say it with me, bro!

Bill/Ferrell: Two wacky and reckless men!{The two walk out as Hackman cleans up and Loud and Froggo walk out of the kid room in a down mood}

{Fade to the front stage from the monoluge as Hackman, the guest stars, and the cast are standing together}

Hackman: Thank you everyone, I've had an...interesting time! I'd like to thank my special guests Will Ferrell, Sean Connery, John Ratzenberger, Slappy Squirrel, Don Novello, Laraine Newman, Nora Dunn....phew, thank goodness any other guests were cut in dress rehersal or I'd be even more out of breath. Good night!

Voice: And we're off the air!{After that voice is heard, the studio audience runs out as fast as they can}

Hackman: Thank goodness that's over. That was the most chaotic thing I've ever worked on, and I was in "The Poseidon Adventure" for heaven's sake. And why was that SNL guy in so many sketches, was that part of a deal with the other show?

Ferrell: Well compared to the amount of sketches I'm in on the other show, this was a slow night for me.

Sammy: Yeah, you know we had to get him on Jeopardy, and you must admit having him trash a spoof of a duo he was part of was hilarious and a certain audience favorite.

Dunn: Yeah, the second most unshameless one of the night, and the first most shouldn't be a mystery.

Connery: At least the ladies were satisfied with seeing not one, but two dashing 70 year old men here tonight. Oh, and that reminds me, I talked with that show's boos to see if they'll let me give studio audiences around here that pleasure again and he asked me to give you this note.{Gives Sammy a note}

Sammy:{Reading from note}Dear cast, I've changed my mind and decided that any publicity, even some from shameless spoofings and trashings of our old bits, is good publicity. Me and the rest of my cast would like to meet with you outside to share our gratification and give out ideas for the future. Sincerly, Lorne Michaels. Finally, some appreciation!

Ratzenberger: But what about the cast party with the great food, who's gonna come with me to eat that?

Slappy: I'll go, I already wasted my best material on that other old lady, I have none left to personally thank them for their creation of horrendosly unfunny stuff over the last 8 years, offense intended, Mr Ferrell.


Hackman: No, I'd rather go and try to avoid the mob that will probably form in a little while. It's certainly been fun, among lots of other more unfriendly things.{He runs off in a hurry}

Sammy: Okay guest stars, you head off to get food while we get acclaim. Come on guys.

{The cast members leave one way and the guest stars leave another way, all except for Ferrell, Newman, and Dunn. A second later Ferrell gets out a cell phone}

Ferrell:{Talks into phone}They bought it, Lorne. Now you can go ahead and show them personally we need a few more years of popularity before we can let something like this happen again which basically destroys our rebuilding credibility. But don't be too hard on them, at least they tried to impress you by putting me in those bits.

Newman: Ask him if the deal he made with me and Nora is still on to let us finally come back on the show.

Dunn: Yeah, he personally knows how stubborn I can be if deals are broken and if bad morality is shown by breaking said deals or that other incident we had, he doesn't want that to happen between us again.

Newman: No wonder that censor lady liked you so much.

Ferrell:{Hangs up the phone}Well, people do tend to like the past episodes better than the new ones. But there is probably still one thing that a present cast member like me is better at than an old one.{Pause}Race you to the cast party!{He runs away}

Dunn: He's got us there, mainly because we want to go home now, right?

Newman: Yep, and not a moment too soon. So long, studio that hosts ripoff artists with the exception of that tour guide and that depressed little girl!

Dunn: Don't forget the censor either, but the first part was complete enough. Buh-bye, studio that has exactly what Laraine said they have!{The two ladies walk away}


Frank Welker: Father Time/Pule
Laraine Newman: Miss Info/Charity/herself
Cody Ruegger: Loud Kiddington
Nora Dunn: Lydia Karaoke/herself
Rob Paulsen: Sammy Melman
Tress MacNeille: Toast/WOW/Pepper/Cho-Cho
Billy West: Chit Chatterson
Nathan Ruegger: Froggo
James Wickline: Bill Straitman
Don Novello: Leonardo DaVinci/Father Guido Sarducci
Maurice LaMarche: King Romulus
Sherri Stoner: Slappy Squirrel
Cree Summer: Aka Pella
Jeff Bennett: Lucky Bob
Gene Hackman
Will Ferrell
Sean Connery
John Ratzenberger

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