by: Alan Smithee, Brainatra, Capt. Caps
(Open on a shot of Dot, whos facing the camera)
DOT: Hi...Im Dot Warner. Stay tuned for "The Wrath of Stewie", next on
most of these WBC stations!
WAKKO: (Sticking his head in these shots) "Most"?
DOT: Well, some affiliates think our brand of "humor" and characters used
YAKKO: (Also entering the shot) Oh, yeah? Like who?
DOT: Um, lessee... (whips out a long list of paper) Chattanooga, Tennessee didnt
like our insulting Dr. Laura in "Toons and Doom".... Salt Lake City, Utah says
we depicted "improper and probably immoral situations" with me hopping into
Maxs arms in "Once and Future Warners"... Amarillo, Texas says our
destruction of a McDonald's in "Mr. Foley Goes to Washington" insults the
beef industry.... and, well, I dont think what Philadelphia, Pennsylvania says is
"appropriate" in itself.
YAKKO: Except apparently in Philadelphia, judging from the words used.
DOT: Which told us what *we* did was improper. Boy, I just *love* hypocrisy. (To the
camera) Anyway, stay tuned to this story... provided it doesnt get us in hot water
from a whole bunch more cities....
YAKKO: Whatre the chances of *that* happening?
(All three sibs grin at the camera, as we fade into the opening scene of the story:
namely, the water tower on the WB lot. Wakko is watching television, when his siblings
YAKKO: Hey Wakko, what're you doing?
WAKKO: Watching TV.
YAKKO: Watching prime-time TV on a Thursday? This can't be good.
WAKKO: Relax---I'm sure there's plenty of good programs on.
TV ANNOUNCER: Next on the WB it's Tom Green's new sitcom where he plays a father of
four children, "My Freaky Father."
(Clip from show: A young girl enters the kitchen, where Tom is sitting and eating
GIRL: Daddy, daddy!
TOM: What's wrong honey?
GIRL: Daddy that mean Scud Thompson made fun of me at school today, he called me
TOM: Well honey, I know a foolproof way to deal with bullies. First you spill your milk
on him while shouting "I am the milk person, feel the wrath of my calcium filled
milk" (canned laughter) then you rub dog poop on him and call him a doody-head. Then
you get a sheep and...
YAKKO: In the name of Bugs Bunny, change the channel!
WAKKO: Right. (He flips the channel)
ANNOUNCER: And now back to "Homies in the Hood", starring Martin Lawrence.
(Clip: Martin is in an apartment talking to an African-American man).
MARTIN: See in these so called "critically acclaimed" sitcoms, the brothers
are always put down by the man. Like in "Malcolm in the Middle", how come the
only brother is in a wheelchair? It ain't like he got shot while robbing stores to buy
supplies for his brainiac school (canned laughter) Also if he's such a genius why don't he
invent himself some new legs? (canned laughter)
DOT: This is probably UPN.
YAKKO: And they've finally hit rock bottom, next channel please.
(Wakko switches the channel)
ANNOUNCER: Next on NBC, it's our new critically acclaimed sitcom that will be canceled
in two weeks, "Drinking Buddies!"
(Clip: Two guys are in a bar)
GUY 1: Man I can't believe Susan dumped me like that. I mean what was the problem? I
thought we were doing great.
GUY 2: It might be because you work at a video store, you have no ambition, you're
always watching sports, and your apartment is filthy (canned laughter).
GUY 1: Hey (pause) my apartment is not filthy. It's simply "hygienically
challenged" (canned laughter)
GUY 2: Dude, Oscar the Grouch wouldn't live in your apartment (canned laughter).
YAKKO: What is this?
WAKKO: It appears to be a sitcom featuring the same old characters in a familiar
setting doing the same thing we've seen a hundred times.
YAKKO: (amazed at Wakko's eloquent words) Uhh yeah....that's what I was going to say.
Well sibs looks like we're not watching TV tonight.
WAKKO: What about ABC or FOX? (his siblings glare at him) Oh right. Evil. I forgot.
DOT: How about CBS?
YAKKO: The old people's network? Okay let's see... (checks TV Guide) according to this,
there's a "Walker: Texas Ranger" marathon on followed by "A Salute to Andy
WAKKO: Man, the state of prime-time television today is sorry.
DOT: Yeah, we could do so... (light bulb) I've got it?
WAKKO: An original sitcom plot?
YAKKO: A person who watches CBS?
DOT: No, why don't we attempt a comeback, I mean we're funnier than half the stuff on
WAKKO: That's a great idea, Dot, we could write new episodes of our old show and
everything. What do you say Yakko?
YAKKO: Ehhhhh I don't know sibs (they give him puppy dog eyes) ahh okay I can't resist
those. Besides, if "Temptation Island 2" can get on TV, so can we.
WAKKO & DOT: Yeah!
YAKKO: Let's go sibs, we have a comeback to write!
(Some time later, we see the sibs are hard at "work": Wakko is making gookie
faces, while Dot is reading a Mel Gibson website on an iMac and sighing every five
seconds...Yakko races into the scene...)
YAKKO: (Carrying pencils and papers) We'll need to get the old gang back together, but
DOT: What do you mean? We see them all the time!
YAKKO: In fanfics, yes, but they're growing tired of the usual
"round-em-up-and-shoot-em-out". We need honest-to-gosh humor.
WAKKO: I'll make some calls. Let's see, we've got Slappy's number here.
(Split-screen as Wakko dials up. An attractive woman in her mid-to-late-30s picks up at
the other end. This is...)
SHERRI STONER: Residence of Slappy Squirrel, Ms. Sherri Stoner speaking!
WAKKO: Hold on, let me get a look at you!
(Wakko cranes his head past the split-screen)
WAKKO: Hello Nurse! How ya doing?
SHERRI: I'm doing okay. Slappy can't come to the phone right now. She's mourning a loss
in her enemy collection.
SHERRI: Ever heard of Avery Schreiber?
WAKKO: Sure, the Doritos guy, right?
SHERRI: Mm-hmm. He did the voice of...I believe...Beanie the Cerebrally-Challenged
Bison. Now that Ave is no more, Beanie's gone mute, and Slappy is lacking for at least one
decent villain...at least until Beanie finds a replacement voice. She's not in
"Cuckoo Clock" land, but she ain't doing that good, either.
WAKKO: Okay, I'll call back later.
SHERRI: All right, my sincerest apologies.
(Both hang up and the screen goes single again)
YAKKO: So, what's the word with Slappy?
WAKKO: Lost a frienemy, and won't talk for a few days. So, who to call next?
DOT: Well maybe Brain and the crew are home.
YAKKO: Yeah but what is Brain's number? I mean he keeps it secret so that the cops
can't call him.
WAKKO: I know it, Pinky gave it to me once in exchange for some bubble gum.
YAKKO: Great then phone that mouse.
WAKKO: Aye, aye sir (he dials)
(Scene: ACME Labs. Brain is reading a large book while Pinky and Billie are watching
PINKY: I say Brain, this Martin Lawrence is quite humorous, NARF! He really knows
what's wrong with white people.
BRAIN: Martin Lawrence is as humorous as a piece of toast.
PINKY: (laughing) Oh that reminds me Brain the toast told me the funniest joke today,
it seems there were two guys in a bar...
(The phone rings)
BRAIN: Who could that be....Pinky have you been ordering those "sad face"
dolls from the home shopping network again?
PINKY: But Brain, I only need two more to complete the set.
BRAIN: (sighs) Hello?
WAKKO: Hi Brain, it's me, Wakko Warner.
BRAIN: Ugh! What do you want?
WAKKO: We've decided to write a comeback episode and we were wondering if you and Pinky
and Billie were interested in coming back?
BRAIN: (thinking) Hmmm.... yes this could work out for me quite nicely. (speaking)
Okay, inform your siblings that we are in.
WAKKO: Faboo! I'll tell them the good news---bye. (Hangs up)
BRAIN: Farewell... (hangs up; smiling) YES!
BILLIE: Who was that Eggy?
BRAIN: One of those Warners, they wanted us to help them with their comeback special.
PINKY: (excited) Oh goody Brain did you agree?
BRAIN: Yes Pinky, because we are far superior to this junk they call prime-time
television. We could dominate the airwaves!
PINKY: Oh goody, TROZ!
BILLIE: Are you sure you don't have some ulterior motive Eggy?
BRAIN: Quite perceptive aren't you? Yes I do have a plan, when we arrive I will modify
the Warner's script to include a subliminal message that will make people obey me. It will
be triggered when they hear the phrase "six dollars, same as in town."
BILLIE: How do you know the Warners will use that phrase?
BRAIN: Because I will put it in there myself, and frankly, those hyperactive little
inkblots will latch onto anything vaguely nonsensical. Now come, to the car!
PINKY: Hold on a minute Brain, I need a few things, some socks, my toothbrush, teddy...
BRAIN: Very well, then.... but afterwards, we shall be off! (Sees Pinky
"la-la-la"-ing and giggling goofily) Some of us moreso than *others*.
(A short time later....)
BILLIE: There! I have Pinky's stuff, my things and your cassette collection, plus
sufficient funds for Olive Gardener stops, gasoline and other necessities.
PINKY: So, Brain, what will we be listening to?
BRAIN: Oh, I've got a mixture. Joan Jett, Grandmaster Flash, and my newest editions...
PINKY: New Edition? POIT!
BRAIN: Well, sort of...them and MOTLEY CRUE!
BILLIE: I hope there's more! I wouldn't want to listen to just that! You got any
BRAIN: Of course! Now, to my suit, then my car!
(A few scenes set to the song "A Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles are seen.
Brain steps into his mechanical suit, grabs a Motley Crue cassette from a giant bag, and
goes to his customized sedan.)
PINKY: NARF! How come we've never seen this sedan before?
BRAIN: Well, I wanted to keep it private because it's a gift from an old friend.
(Ripple dissolve back to 1993...)
BRAIN: (V.O) This sedan was given to me by a human friend I struck up a rapport with.
Her name was Samantha Malden, a woman in her early 40s at the time, but still awfully
attractive. We talked about various events, and she supported what I was doing, because I
promised her an advisory role if and when I took over the world.
(Cut to Brain and said woman, with Kathleen Turner's voice and looks. Background music:
"Ordinary World" by Duran Duran)
SAMANTHA: Brain, they're transferring me. I'll miss talking with you!
BRAIN: Wait, where are you going?
SAMANTHA: I can't tell you. All I can say is I witnessed a Hannibal Lecter murder a few
years back, and only now are they hiding me. Look, we'll meet again someday...I know it.
In the meantime, I noticed you were designing a big, mechanical suit. Well, to that end, I
bought you a gift.
BRAIN: What could you have bought me?
SAMANTHA: Step outside!
BRAIN: (V.O as the two step outside) And there it was. My own car. I enjoyed many rides
in it over the years, and the reason why I haven't shown it to anyone is because when I
ride in it, I feel a connection to my past!
(Ripple dissolve back to the modern day.)
BRAIN: I haven't seen her since then... nine long years...
BILLIE: Well, Eggy, knowing our fanfic adventures, you might see her again yet!
BRAIN: I...er...well, maybe, maybe not! Either way, we might as well get in. Nothing
more will annoy me than a mid-Winter's cross-country trip, but let's get it done with!
(Dissolve to Hannibal Lecter's place in the mid-South. He partakes of a fine Chianti
with none other than...)
STEWIE GRIFFIN: Oh, Hannibal, you old (bleep), you! Really, how did the liver taste?
HANNIBAL: Delicious. Just the right combination of sweetness and vinegar. Now, you want
STEWIE: (BURP!) With pleasure, my old man!
(Cut to the news reporter, Ms. Wendy Franchetti [of "Warner Academy 2" and
"A Very Wakko Thanksgiving" fame])
WENDY: And in our final story, my old friends the Warners are coming back on the air
soon. That's right, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are coming back at you with new
"Animaniacs!" episodes. They're in talks with several networks...
(Cut to Plotz's offices at the WB Studio)
PLOTZ: Oh no! What does it take to get rid of them? Well, I'll have to make a call
soon. You know, this is starting to irritate me a lot! And besides, there's no way they're
trampling on the "Animaniacs" trademark moreso than they already *have*....
(Back at the water tower...)
YAKKO: (looking over script) Hmm, no I think we should drop a bigger anvil on Osama Bin
DOT: You're right, bigger is better.
WAKKO: Can we give him a wedgie?
YAKKO: Of course, it's on page two.
WAKKO: Oh yeah, I also like the part where we tie the Taliban leaders' beards together.
YAKKO: Yeah, that was a stroke of comedy gold.
DOT: Too bad you stole it from the "Daily Show".
YAKKO: Yeah, but what're you gonna do?
WAKKO: Well, Brain and the others won't be here for a few hours, what'll we do till
YAKKO: Usually we get a special guest about now (looks at his watch) Hmm must be late,
well I'll let Captain Caps handle those.
WAKKO: Hey Yakko do you think that we can get back on TV? I mean, the WB hates us.
DOT: Wakko's right, Plotz will throw us out if we even approach him with a script.
YAKKO: Quite true, sibs---fortunately I thought ahead.
WAKKO: You got half a pound of prime rib?
DOT: That was pointless.
YAKKO: No, here's my plan: we will disguise ourselves as Japanese executives and claim
we're debuting the newest show destined to become an American fad. Old tightwad Plotz will
flip and put it on the air.
WAKKO: And if that fails?
YAKKO: Then we incapacitate him, and produce the pilot ourselves.
DOT: How? We don't know anything about directing.
YAKKO: That didn't stop Clint Eastwood.
WAKKO: Should I call our old buddy Axel in Washington and see if he wants to guest
YAKKO: Sure, he's probably itching for a chance to get Bin Laden and his Taliban allies
DOT: Plus it'll be good to hear old Congressman potty-mouth again.
YAKKO: Remember that conference on C-SPAN where he insulted Dick Armey?
WAKKO: That was the only time I ever watched politics, good thing they bleeped it out
YAKKO: It was like two bleeps a second. I hope that didn't hurt his popularity.
WAKKO: I'll find out. (he dials) I hope he can come, things are always more interesting
when he's around.
DOT: Or more profane anyway.
(Fade to another area of Burbank atop a large, grassy hill. A red car, with flames
painted on the sides, is seen).
GIRL: Oh Brad, you don't know how happy I am that you picked me to go out with. I
thought for sure you'd pick that snob Cindy Johanson. I mean you've never shown interest
in me before.
(The camera pans into the car, revealing that the girl is none other than Animaniacs
semi-regular Katie Ka-boom. Next to her is a big jock in a letter jacket).
BRAD: Yeah well babe that's because I know you're special.
KATIE: Oh Brad, please kiss me, I'd love to see the look on that Cindy's face when she
hears you did.
BRAD: Uh okay... (he kisses her, after a few minutes she pushes him away)
KATIE: Brad, is something wrong? Your kiss felt like ice.
BRAD: Well babe I've got a confession to make.
KATIE: What is it? Is it about Cindy? You like her don't you?
BRAD: No that's not it.
KATIE: Are you not the football captain?
BRAD: Nope something far worse (he whips out an ominous looking pistol from his
KATIE: (scared) W-w-what's going on? W-w-why do you have a gun?
BRAD: All will be revealed in time, for now, have a nap! (he fires the gun, gas comes
out from it causing Katie to collapse) Sleep well babe (laughing evilly).
(Scene: Complete darkness, then a sliver of light is seen. That sliver soon opens to a
full screen of light and a ceiling is seen. The sequence is being seen through Katie's
eyes, and as the camera pulls away we can see she is bound hand and foot, gagged, and
lying on a lab table).
KATIE: (thinking) Ohh what happened? Last thing I remember I was in Brad's car and he
pulled a gun on me. (Looks around) Now where am I? (she attempts to stand) Okay obviously
I'm tied up...ugh, this is not a good day.
(Just then Stewie enters the lab).
KATIE: (thinking) What the, how did a baby get in here? Well maybe he can help me (she
makes muffled noises).
(Stewie gets on a stepladder near the table, and then removes Katie's gag)
STEWIE: Comfy my dear? I hope your abduction wasn't too rough.
KATIE: A talking baby? This has gotta be some whack dream.
STEWIE: I'm afraid, my "Dawson's Creek" watching captive, that this is quite
real. Allow me to introduce myself; I am Stewie Griffin and this is Rupert (he displays
KATIE: Okay I'll pretend this is real. So what do you want with me? Is this some type
of fraternity prank?
STEWIE: Hardly, as you know you have obtained your nick name because whenever you get
angry, you turn into a giant monster than explode, with no harm to yourself but with
incredible damage to those around you.
KATIE: Duh! Everyone knows that.
STEWIE: Yes, but no one knows why---but I aim to find out. (He snaps his fingers and
into the room walks rogue genetic scientist Gene Splicer, of "Tiny Toon
Adventures" fame) This is Dr. Gene Splicer, he is going to help me find the source of
SPLICER: Well hey there little lady, how are you?
KATIE: Well I've been kidnapped, tied up, and I've found out that some football headed
baby is gonna use me as a science experiment. I'm just peachy.
STEWIE: Don't worry Splicer here is just going to study samples of your blood in hopes
of finding what makes you tick. When he does, I will give it to an agent of my choice,
turning them into a virtual living bomb! Imagine it an army of operatives loyal to me with
explosive powers, it'll be wonderful!
KATIE: You're a freak, you know that right? You're as bad as my math teacher.
STEWIE: (holding Rupert) What? What's that? Ah, yes....Rupert says you can go (bleep)
KATIE: I thought babies were supposed to watch their language.
STEWIE: I thought teenagers were supposed to be less annoying. (he replaces the gag)
She's all yours Splicer, I have operatives to dispatch and it's almost time for my diaper
change. Inform me of any progress. (he exits).
SPLICER: Right sir, (to Katie) Now Miss Ka-boom you may feel a slight prick from this
needle... So that's why I'll use this one (he holds up a syringe with a sharp looking
needle) Now this will hurt... a lot (Katie struggles and murmurs as he approaches).
(Fade from this scene, to Washington D.C. Patriotic music plays...we fade to the
Capitol building, and into the congressional office of Axel Foley. Axel is sitting at his
desk, reading a copy of "Black Enterprise" magazine; the cover shows a picture
of him with a caption reading: "The Congressional Black Caucus' Newest [and Most
WOMAN'S VOICE: ( via intercom) Axel, sweetie, there's a call for you on line one.
AXEL: (With his hand in a desk drawer, putting the magazine away) Thanks, Mrs.
Smith...and *please* call me "Representative Foley" next time. It sounds
more...*dignified* that way. (Slams his hand on the drawer inadvertently, and begins
MRS. SMITH: *Ahem*. You were *saying*?
AXEL: (Annoyed) Oh, never mind... (punches a button to pick up the call) If this is
Dick Armey, I'm not takin' back a single (bleep)in' word---
WAKKO: Why? Don't you have the receipt?
AXEL: (Flatly) Oh, it's *you*. Lemme guess---you (bleep)ers wanna do some crazy
(bleep)in' thing that involves all of us gathering together and engaging in some crazy
adventure where we get enough characters to---
WAKKO: (VO) Oooh, ooh, lemme make the cast size comparison joke this time! Um...uh....
DOT: (VO) No, let *me*! Er...ah...
YAKKO: (VO) Allow *me*. AAAaahhhhhhh...... bigger than a breadbox?
W&D: (VO) Good answer! Good answer!
YAKKO: (VO) It's simple really---when you used up all the good cast size jokes already.
AXEL: Look, I'm really busy here---these (bleep)s want me to put my John Hancock on all
of these important papers here, *soooo*, let the nice Mr. Foley here get back to work,
since you'll do fine on your own, OK? (Sounds of the Warners crying) Sorry, but my mind's
made up. Goodbye. (Hangs up, and turns to the papers) Let's see what we've got here...
(flips through them, signing various papers) "Amendment Proposal to House Bill #2015:
'Budget to Found Timecop Authority, for the purpose of monitoring the space-time continuum
with the aid of now-washed-up Belgium B-movie kickboxers". (Axel has a flash of the
events of "Once and Future Warners" go through his head; sighs) Better sign
it....don't want the space-time continuum to get more screwed up than it already is....
(signs it) Next... hmm--what's this?! (reads the paper, which is apparently a letter:)
"Final funding approved: Joint Congressional Committee For Technological &
"To Representative Foley (Independent- Michigan):
General budget for Technological & Scientific Research grant projects for the next
year approved; please read through list of projects. Thank you.
Sen. Richard Lugar (R- Ind.)
Rep. Barney Frank (D- Mass.)"
[Axel reads through the list of various projects approved for govt. funding, including
"research into cordless toasters", "3-D life-like simulator so we can play
"Myst" in a cool holodeck-type setting", "means to prevent candy cane
wrappers from clinging to one's hands", etc. However, one listing makes Axel sit up
and take notice....]
AXEL: *WHOA*! Hold the (bleep)in' phone... (Glares down at a line reading "Funding
Approved: Project 'KABOOM': To Dr. G. Splicer, Acme Acres California, and S. Griffin,
Quahog Rhode Island. Proposal: Research with hormonal teenagers to find out 'what makes
them tick'. Approval Reason: Results could prove invaluable for exasperated parents of
AXEL: (Glaring at the paper) Uh-uh...no *way* that little brat's doing this for
"the benefit of parents everywhere".... he's up to *something*. (Picks up his
phone, and dials the Warners...Yakko answers)
YAKKO: Ha! I knew you'd call back! You *know* you want to go on another wild, wacky,
and oh-so-nonrepetitive outing with us...
AXEL: Um, no, it's because---hey, how'd you know it was me?!
DOT: Try call waiting.
YAKKO: Not as funny...
AXEL: Look, I was just goin' through papers here, and saw something you (bleep)s might
be interested in....
DOT: Ooooh, free government pork barrel money for us?
WAKKO: *Pork*?! Where?!
AXEL: (Sighs) Nooooo....try free government pork barrel money to----*Stewie*!
AXEL: No kiddin'. Looks as though I'll be meeting up with you (bleep)s again---
YAKKO: Right now?
AXEL: Um, no, not yet. I'm going to look into the details behind this
"project" of Stewie's. While I'd guess he gave a fake proposal report to the
government, I'm sure there's something we can dig up---like whatever hideout he and
"Dr. G. Splicer" is using... I'll be out there soon--after I call up the mice,
WAKKO: Awww, but we were all set to use more old and new gags on you...and then maybe
meet some superhero or old 80's celebrity!
AXEL: (Rolls his eyes) I can hardly *wait*. Well, try to stay safe, OK?
DOT: Do you know you went several whole sentences *without* swearing once?
AXEL: (Flatly) *Goodbye*, Dot. (Hangs up; dials ACME Labs in New York to give Brain the
same news...however, with the mice having left for California, he gets the machine
BILLIE: Hello, we're not in right now...we're making a cross-country trek to California
to start a new "Animaniacs" series. Our cell phone number is...
(Axel gets down the number, hangs up, and calls them on the road. Cut to the Brain's
sedan, somewhere in the midwest. Brain is attempting to rap along with the cassette player
BRAIN: It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...
(Brain's mouse-sized cell phone rings)
BILLIE: Hey, Grandmaster, pick up your cell phone!
BRAIN: Oh, all right...(Picking up) Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Foley....
AXEL: Ain't you ever heard of casual?
BRAIN: I'm just not really thinking about anything but California right now, Axel. So,
how goes business down Representative Way?
AXEL: Decent, but a little boring. Um, I have some bad news...money is being funded to
the wrong people!
BRAIN: We've known that for the longest of times...
AXEL: (Snidely) Ha ha, really (bleep)ing funny! What I mean is, money is being routed
to...buckle up for this one, Stewie Griffin...
BRAIN: Oh NO!
AXEL: And Dr. Gene Splicer...
BRAIN: Hmm, have I heard of him?
AXEL: You probably have. He and the little brat are working on a project trying to
figure out what "makes teens tick". Oh, and if that weren't enough, last time we
heard, Stewie was in the care of Hannibal Lecter!
BRAIN: Holy moley, you're not serious.
AXEL: Hey, were most of my early-90s movies bombs?
AXEL: There you go! I'm flying out to California within 24 hours...when will you be
BRAIN: Add 72 hours and you have a good idea.
AXEL: Okay, see you in Cali!
BRAIN: Right on! (Shakes his head) Hmph...lousy rap music influence....
(Brain and Axel hang up)
BRAIN: Now, this has me worried about Samantha...
(Cut to Ms. Malden, a few years older but still quite beautiful. She makes her home in
SAMANTHA: Hmm, "Animaniacs" is coming back on the air. This will give me a
chance to talk to Brain again...at least I hope so. I miss him, I miss my past...if only I
hadn't witnessed those events.
(Cut to the water tower. The Warners are talking with Joan Jett on the phone)
YAKKO: So, Joan, how have things been?
JOAN: Terrific. Stadiums, arenas, soundtracks...it's cool. Now, what do you need here?
WAKKO: We want you to write us a new theme song.
JOAN: Why? Your old one was fine.
DOT: It's just that we've lost contact with a good lot of the people from the show's
first run. So, as they have moved on, so must we. See if you can come up with something
while you're staying here.
JOAN: Okay, but will it really fit here?
YAKKO: Joan, doll, we've got bigger things to worry about at the moment!
[Joan Jett hangs up....she walks around her apartment, glances at a picture of her
hanging out with the Cher-Loving Restaurant Guys (from "A Very Wakko
Thanksgiving"), flips through a copy of "Newsbleak", before finally
plopping down in front of the TV. ]
JOAN: A song...for a cartoon show. OK, I'm quite sure I can do this....um...hmm....
(picks up some sheet music) Er.... "it's time for *Ani-ma-ni-acs...la de da
dum....ermmm...." This isn't gonna be easy. Perhaps if I call on some
help---especially if they want something more contemporary than myself. Hmm... someone
more modern....(gets out her phone number book, and looks through various listings)
Melissa Etheridge...nah. She never called me back after that party. Quincy Jones---hmm.
Maybe. (Flips through some pages) Limp Bizkit...Zack de la Rosa... *Britney Spears*?!
How'd *that* get in here?? (Tears that page out) Ah! Here we go... (begins dialing)
[Cut away from this, to...the sibs. They're walking down the street.]
DOT: Oooh, we're "walking down the street". I can hardly stand the excitement
of this story....especially since we haven't *seen* anything vaguely resembling
"wrath" like the title says, just the usual cliched story fodder... (Glances
WAKKO: What're you looking for, Dot?
DOT: Get the feeling we're being followed.
YAKKO: No way.
[They keep walking, but a large shadow overcrowds them. They stop in mid-tracks, and
spin around, only to find....a large crowd of people: the starting lineup for the Oakland
Raiders, the cast of "the Fantasticks", an entire fourth grade classroom,
several computer company CEO's, several roadies for Guns 'n Roses, the members of
Stillwater from "Almost Famous", Yerkel, several Muppets, various extras from
"The Mummy Returns", Lucky the Leprechaun, and finally, some geeky looking
DOT: (to the geeky looking guy) Who're *you*??
GUY: Well, I starred in a short-lived superhero comic from the mid-80's... (snorts) It
was called "Super-Nerd", but it got canceled after just two issues. (Sighs)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhhh, why are you all here?
GROUP: WE'RE HERE TO HELP!
DOT: We're sorry, but the "need for help" has already been filled for this
story. Please go away and never bother us again.
GROUP: BUT *WE'RE HERE TO HEL----* (Gets cut off by a giant anvil being dropped on
them, by none other than Wakko)
DOT: Thanks, Wakko.
WAKKO: Can we go now? To, uh...where are we going?
YAKKO: Have to pitch this show to the networks, sibs!
DOT: I thought we were going to pitch it to the guys at the WB?
YAKKO: Aaaahhh, when I went there, Plotz took one look at the proposal and, well,
DOT: Think that's a good sign?
YAKKO: I dunno, but I figure it can't hurt to try the other guys....
DOT: To improve our chances?
YAKKO: No, to pad out this thing some more until we get back to the "Stewie"
[Cut to the first network, CBS....]
CBS EXEC: (Reads their proposal) Hmm... well, let me ask you something...will Slappy
Squirrel become the featured star of this series?
DOT: Well, she might appear, if....
CBS EXEC: Good....since our network tends to appeal to those towards the, ahem, further
end of the 25-54 age demo. Now then, how would you feel if we suggested instead of taking
place in Burbank, we flew you all out to the middle of a deserted island and filmed your
attempts at surviving in such a harsh environment? "Animani-Vivor"! I can see it
now: Wakko forced to live off of bugs and slugs... Dot trying to make her hand-built hut
"cute" looking...Brain trying to take over the tribe with a wacky scheme...
(begins laughing idiotically)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhhh....we'll get back to you.
[Cut to NBC's headquarters...]
NBC EXEC: (Reading the proposal; in a pretentious voice a la Mr. Director) Sounds sort
of entertaining, my puppy-children...
DOT: Um, we're not puppies.
NBC EXEC: Whatever. Like I said, could be entertaining....
NBC EXEC: ....for another network. On our network, we only air shows that attract an
"upscale" audience. Our demographics demand only the best in entertainment, and
they make lots and lots of money, and you puppy-children with the anvils and
the---things---do not possess that. (Sees someone walk in....)
GUY: Here's the finished script for that new show you wanted...
NBC EXEC: (Reads it) "Yuppie-maniacs: Starring the Wingo siblings, a trio of
wacky-yet-loveable New York-dwelling guys who live inside a coffeehouse, and hang out with
Punky and Brian, two highly-paid lawyers bent on taking over SoHo!" Oh, and they drop
anvils on all those icky New Jersey dwellers! (Goofy Jerry Lewis-esque voice) HOY! THE
THING WITH THE KIDS THAT LOOK LIKE DOGGIES DRINKING COFFEE WITH THE MOUSIES WHO SUE!
FROINLAVEN! STARTING FILMING RIGHT AWAY WE SHOULD!
[In mid-glee, we see an anvil crash down on the two network workers....]
YAKKO: Aaaahh, why'd ya do that?
DOT: I didn't. I think the author of this part had a grudge against NBC's programming
YAKKO: Works for me....
[Cut to the outside of ABC's studios, where we see flying over the studio wall are the
sibs. They land on the sidewalk outside, followed by their script proposal hitting them in
DOT: (Annoyed) Hmph. Wonder if they're still sore about that little
YAKKO: Think so?
[We see the sibs walk past the WB Studios, where they still hear Plotz laughing....zip
UPN EXEC: (Sounding a bit dimwitted) Uh....does this involve the same recycled plots
involving spatial anomalies, crewmembers trying to mutiny, or someone being kidnapped by
an alien despotic race?
WAKKO: Except maybe the "spatial anomaly" part! (Dot glares at him)
UPN EXEC: Erm, OK....does your show involve any involve vampire-slaying?
UPN EXEC: Does it involve body-slams?
UPN EXEC: Sorry, can't use you.
WAKKO: But Viacom runs our show through your Nickelodeon subsidiary-thingy...
UPN EXEC: Oh, *that*. Well, thought you may as well hear it first---we're considering
moving it to a timeslot other than 5:30 AM, but plan on using stock footage of you
dropping slime on various "NickToon" characters while dressed in diapers like
(The sibs cringe at hearing this)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, I see. Come on sibs, let's go....
(Cut to the outside of the studio)
DOT: Well, what now?
WAKKO: Hmm...I know! We could try *Fo----
DOT: *NO*, Wakko.
WAKKO: Oh, right....forgot.
DOT: Hmm....there's always Univision, or Telemundo.... (Speaks in Spanish; translated
here for our benefit) <Do you think we could get some of those people who do
dubbed-over stuff for other languages who don't sound a thing like we do?>
YAKKO: (Also in Spanish) <Nah, and besides...we probably aren't that popular in
Latin America anyway...>
(Zip pan to a town in Mexico...a sign reading "Fiesta de 'Animaniacs'" is in
a living room, with various people watching a bunch of dubbed-over A! episodes on various
videotapes, eating food, laughing, etc....zip pan back to the sibs.)
YAKKO: Well, there's only one alternative left, then....
DOT: (Shudders) Cable? If we got on HBO, it'd give Axel an excuse to swear up a storm
for no logical reason...
WAKKO: Public access? We could do "Wakko's World"! (Slaps on a
YAKKO: No, sibs, I speak of the way animated programs were once distributed many many
YAKKO: YES! I speak of----*SYNDICATION*. (Dum-dum-duuuummmm....)
(Cut to some time later, still in L.A., as we see the sibs approach television station
KWCD, channel 66...the building for KWCD looks like it's seen better days...)
YAKKO: Well sibs, here we are---the Los Angeles area's greatest second-rate UHF channel
around! They'll be sure to let us film our show and distribute it to other stations around
the country there!
WAKKO: Is this one of those stations that runs nothing but televangelists all day?
DOT: One of those stations that runs nothing but "the Impulse Buying Network"
stuff all day?
YAKKO: (Looks in a TV Guide) Well, says here their top-rated show's actually "The
Test-Pattern Hour", followed by "Shark Wrestling With Bobby Lee...This Week's
Special Guest: the 'Crocodile Hunter' Guy"....
DOT: Sounds *thrilling*.... (sighs) C'mon....
(Cut to the inside of the station, with a run-down decor that suggests new furniture
hasn't been purchased since the 70's... in the station manger's office, we see a heavy-set
African-American man who sounds a lot like James Avery (of "Fresh Prince of
Bel-Air" fame). The sibs enter the office....)
MANAGER: (Shaking Yakko's hand) Greetings....the name's Arthur Grant. What can I do you
YAKKO: Well, sir, we have here the greatest show ever written!
MR. GRANT: (Excited) Really?
YAKKO: Well, no. We left that script at home. But we've got this one that's *vaguely*
as entertaining! (Hands him the script; he flips through it, and chuckles)
MR. GRANT: Didn't think that line was *that* funny...why am I laughing? (Looks down to
see Wakko's tickling his removed-shoes feet with a feather) Hey! (Wakko scrambles up)
Look, it seems entertaining enough, but I'm afraid there's no way I can think of to
produce your show...even if I wanted to, we don't really have much of a budget to spare...
YAKKO: Oh, but you *have* to! We've been to every major network!
MR. GRANT: (raising an eyebrow) Even *Fox*??
YAKKO: Erm, no.
MR. GRANT: Good move.
DOT: (Now dressed like Mary Tyler Moore) Oh, but *Mr. GRAAAAANT*! PLEEEASE! You've got
to give us our own show! (sobs a bit) We've been off the air for the past several years,
and we've done everything from go to the far future to helping foul-mouthed comedians get
elected to higher office to starring in inane fanboy-written stories! (Sobs some more)
MR. GRANT: Wellllll.... (the sibs look at him with their "big eyed" look) Oh,
*fine*! We'll give you an airtime and a studio to use, but you'll have to live with our
YAKKO: (Pumping Mr. Grant's hand) Thank you, Mr. Grant....you won't regret this!
Really. Seriously. Honestly.
MR. GRANT: (Nervous) Uh.. erm... OK....
(Cutting back to the villains' homebase, Katie has wriggled her way out of confinement,
and is crawling for a way to escape the house of horrors...)
KATIE: I mustn't get angry...if I do, they'll be on to me. Careful, careful...
(A swarthy figure corners her.)
HANNIBAL: Not careful enough, darling!
KATIE: EEP! It's...it's...
HANNIBAL: Shhh, I prefer the silence! Now, what were we doing?
KATIE: Um, er...
HANNIBAL: We were being a good little girl who was going to head back to the lab,
KATIE: Um, er...
HANNIBAL: Now, we will walk to the lab, and prepare for more experiments...
KATIE: (Breaking her stammering) And what if I don't?
HANNIBAL: Well, you do know what I'm famous for, don't you?
KATIE: Look, isn't that Clarice?
HANNIBAL: Where? (Hannibal is laid out by glassware, wielded by one frightened
teenager. Katie runs off, followed by a staggering and slightly bruised Hannibal)
KATIE: Viva me!
HANNIBAL: Come back here, you devious little (bleep)! I'll make sure you don't see the
(Katie grabs a gun from a dresser, and unloads 50 rounds in the door. Kicking through
it, she runs off the property, and hails a taxi)
TAXI DRIVER: (played by David "Buster Poindexter" Johansenn) Where to?
KATIE: Where to? Anywhere! How far will 50 dollars take me?
TAXI DRIVER: Eight miles out, whatever direction you want!
KATIE: Oooh, a buck doesn't go as far as it used to! Um, 8 miles west!
TAXI DRIVER: Sure thing, dollface!
(The taxi speeds off)
TAXI DRIVER: You look like (bleep), if you'll excuse me!
KATIE: Normally, I'd get angry, but you're right! I was subjected to experimentation
and imprisonment by a murderer, a super-intelligent baby and a scientist!
TAXI DRIVER: What are you, on dope?
KATIE: You gotta believe me, they're real!
(Cut back to the compound, this time the lab)
SPLICER: After running her blood through the systems, I've concluded a few things.
First off, Ms. Kaboom has type F blood. This blood type is shared by only a certain few
people...all products of the same hospital, which was centered above a nuclear testing
facility...all born between 1977 and 1983. Secondly, half of those who have this blood
died before their teen years. Third and finally, I have some DNA I've been stashing
away...mostly celebrities, but a few murderers and deviants as well. Our army is at hand,
and all we need to do is combine this blood with the DNA, and we'll have a sick army of
vile machines, ready to destroy anyone at any cost, including the Warners.
STEWIE: Mr. Splicer, you are a genius. We just need to run some observances on Katie...
(Hannibal comes bursting in)
HANNIBAL: That devious (bleep) is gone! She escaped!
STEWIE: Great, what do we do now?
SPLICER: We create the army!
STEWIE: All right, step to it then!
(As it begins, we cut back to Joan Jett's apartment. Ms. Jett is discussing ideas
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Okay...I understand. They used to be all fun and zany, but in this
twisted world, they've become more cynical and a little more bitter.
JOAN: Exactly...and you've talked about the hardness of the world. I mean, most of the
artists out there today, they wouldn't really last all that long. So, I ditched the
currency game plan, and tried the immortal plan on for size.
BRUCE: Hmm, I've got some lyrics for a new theme..."The world out there/It used to
be so zany/Now its still crazy/But in a different way/We need to laugh all we can/At the
pain and the problems/Only then, will there be a better day"...
JOAN: Hmm..."Will they survive in a world of ruins?/Cliches and problems
all"...Um, I'm stuck.
BRUCE: That's okay. We have ideas to talk about.
VOICE: (Off-screen) Let me in!
BRUCE: Oh my, that was the person I first called. They still think the meeting is on.
Let me get the door.
(Bruce opens the tower door, and we see it's none other than....Sean
P. DIDDY: Hey, about time you opened up!
JOAN: (Making a face) *P. Diddy*?! *He's* who you were talking to?!
BRUCE: Well, I tried to ditch him, but---
P. DIDDY: Aw, c'mon! I just wanted to "sample" a little bit of your first
through third albums for my next single! *Pleeeease*?!?
BRUCE: (Rubs his head) Come on in, and we'll talk about it. (Pauses) Hmm....perhaps in
exchange for the rights, you can help us come up with a theme song for this new TV show...
JOAN: It stars the Warner siblings....heard of them?
P. DIDDY: The guys who managed to get that crazed Detroit cop elected to higher office?
Yeah, I heard of them....
JOAN: Good. (Hands P. Diddy a pile of blank music sheets) Start writing....and no
*copying off our papers*!
P. DIDDY: Awwww.....
(As the musicians set to work, let's cut to the second tangent of the story....namely,
the Warners. Back at KWCD-TV, we see they're hard at work trying to make do with the
limited resources of channel 66's facilities....)
DOT: OK, I think I've got this set fixed up... (pan to see a mock-up of the Water
Tower, made out of a washtub, funnel, and several stepladders; the "WB" shield
looks crudely painted/fastened on....)
YAKKO: Wanna give it a go?
DOT: Sure... Wakko, cue up the orchestra!
DOT: (Sighs) Hit "play".
WAKKO: Oh, right.... (runs over to a small boom box, and hits "play". A tape
with the A! opening theme music starts up...)
(The sibs rush up into the makeshift "water tower", and get inside. As the
music hits their cue, they emerge from the "tower"'s door like in the A! title
WARNERS: (Singing) It's time for A-ni-ma-ni-aaaacs....and we're----HUH?!
(The "tower", unable to take the strain of their weight, collapses underneath
them, sending them sprawling to the floor. Meanwhile, the tape itself, being played on the
station's very used boom box, begins to squeak at a faster speed, finally ejecting the
tape, with the tape itself unravelled. The sibs all look at each other.)
DOT: Tell me again there's another way to get back on the air.
YAKKO: OK.... "there's another way to get back on the air".
DOT: Not funny.
YAKKO: Wakko thought it was.
WAKKO: (Giggling) "Tell me again there's another way"! Hee hee! (Giggling
slows to a stop, as he sees the other two sibs looking at him oddly) Sorry.
DOT: Well, I guess we're gonna have to somehow get more money, so we can buy actual
*sets*. But how?
WAKKO: Bake sale? (Licks his lips)
YAKKO: Sell ad time with scantily-clad models? (Wiggles his eyebrows)
DOT: Hey, that's it!
YAKKO: Finally, she sees the light. *HELLOOOOOO, NUR---*
DOT: (Interrupting) Not *that*---I mean, the ad time! Once we secure some sponsors, we
can use their money to get some *cute* new props!
YAKKO: Then let's do it! (They all "spin-change" into ad exec-type clothes,
and take off....)
(Cut away from the Warners' fund-raising efforts, and to.... Stewie and Splicer in
their sinister, location-still-unknown lair. Stewie eyes on a computer screen various
possible characters to use to transform into sinister creations....)
STEWIE: Hmm...no, that's not it. (Goes to another picture, this one of Superboy)
No...tried controlling him already. (Goes to a picture of the Powerpuff Girls) No, they'd
do that insipid "beat me up right away" routine.... (Goes to a picture of the
CEO's of now-bankrupt company Enron) Hmm....bloodthirsty ravenous amoral CEO's? (Pauses)
Nah.... too type-cast. (To Splicer) SPLICER! Do you have those magazines yet? Perhaps some
famous figures might do...someone those Warners would never suspect....
SPLICER: (Carrying a pile of "Newsbleak"s and "Entertainment
Bi-Weekly"s) Um, here ya go, Stewie. (Picks up one mag, showing a photo on the cover
of Mel Gibson) How's about this guy? Hear that female Warner-thing likes him a lot....
STEWIE: No, too obvious. Oh, blast---just one person won't do. We'll be needing *lots*
of people---enough of them to turn into hideous creatures willing to go after those
siblings! But *who*??
(As Stewie ponders this thought, let's cut back to.... Axel Foley, who's apparently
finally reached Burbank, and has met up with the lab mice.)
BRAIN: So, you weren't able to obtain an address for their lair?
AXEL: No....checked Splicer's last known lab, along with Stewie's hometown, and they
aren't in either place. My guess is, they have some new hidden lab somewhere in L.A....
BRAIN: Hmph....that little monster keeps managing to find all these new hideouts. I
must think....where could they be hiding? What are they up to?!? How do we stop them?!?
PINKY: Um, Brain....what about the Warners? POIT! I thought we were going to go on
their new TV-show-thingy so you could do another ill-fated
BRAIN: Pinky, please....we have a more pressing concern! (Pauses) Well, not including
my pressing and important need to become humanity's rightful ruler.
PINKY: I know...just didn't want to stand them up. I really hate that---remember when I
invited Tom Arnold to my birthday party and he didn't show?
BILLIE: Well, I'm sure that he was a busy man, Pinks....did you remember to put a stamp
on his invitation?
PINKY: Stamps? (Scratches his head) I knew I forgot something, NARF!
AXEL: Fine...so where do you want to go, Brain?
BRAIN: I'd rather we began searching for the whereabouts of those rogue geniuses. No
doubt, they've probably already sent some sort of agents after us....or have some vile
trick up their sleeves. Thus, our first move is to head for the Burbank branch of ACME
PINKY: Oooh, it'll be just like old times!
BRAIN: We're not going for a homecoming, we're going to use the lab's computers to try
to do an Internet trace, and possibly some hacking, to discover their
whereabouts....anything we turn up may be of aid to us---an online order, their banking
records, even possibly their *own* computer systems! Plus, if need be, we'll be able to
use the lab's equipment to properly prepare for whatever it is that they're attempting to
PINKY: Oooh, I like hacking, Brain!
BRAIN: You *do*?
PINKY: Oh, yes. Lint balls tend to make me do that, you know....
BRAIN: And your stupidity tends to make me do *this*.... (whaps Pinky on the head;
Pinky giggles) Now come...let us be--- (Brain gets whapped on the head...) (Dazed/annoyed)
Now, who---- (looks up to see Billie standing there, staring at him sternly) BILLIE?! Why
BILLIE: (Annoyed) Like I said, Eggy, *I'll* take care of "disciplining" PInky
when I'm around---in a way that doesn't involve beatin' him up... (To Pinky) You OK,
PINKY: Oh, yes....it's OK, really! Besides the splitting headache and all....
BRAIN: Enough of this! Come, let us be off---- to the lab! (All four exit the
(Meanwhile a few miles near Axel and Brain's location sits a black car. Inside, it's
occupants; 2 men dressed in black suits, one with black curly hair and one with brown
hair, are performing an act of immense evil).
GUY #1: No way! That can't be right.
GUY #2: It is trust me.
GUY #1: Okay, but what do they call Pizza Hut in France?
GUY #2: They call it Le Hut de Pizza.
GUY #1: No way.
GUY #2: Seriously.
GUY #1: Okay then what do they call Taco Bell in Mexico?
GUY #2: Easy the only clean restaurant in the country.
(They both laugh)
GUY #1: Ahhh it's funny because it's true.
(Suddenly the radio blares)
STEWIE: (V.O.) Blast, are you idiots there!
GUY #2: (grabs the radio) Mr. Indigo here sir, what can we do for you?
STEWIE: I have reason to believe that that profane bureaucrat has met up with Brain.
This should be an ample opportunity to capture them all.
MR. INDIGO: Yes sir, should we use the special cartoon capture gear you gave us?
STEWIE: (sarcastically) No, I gave it to you so it could sit in the car and collect
GUY #1: That's an odd reason to give us equipment.
STEWIE: I was being sarcastic you "Reservoir Dogs" rejects! Now get them and
don't fail me, I've already dispatched operatives to capture the Warners, that abysmal
Squirrel, and that annoying escaped teen. But if this plan falls through, my silent
partners will not be happy.
MR. INDIGO: You can count on us sir, Indigo out (he hangs up) Well Mr. Teal are you
ready to move in?
MR TEAL: I guess, I just wish I didn't get such a stupid color nickname.
MR. INDIGO: At least you were lucky not to get Turquoise. Now get the bola bazooka, the
unbreakable net, and a few other items, we must attack while we have the element of
MR. TEAL: Right (he gets out and opens the trunk) Ughhh how come this stuff is so
MR. INDIGO: Because it's special idiot, now hurry up.
MR. TEAL: You could help.
MR. INDIGO: Fine (he grabs a small pistol) There now let's get set up, I can't wait
till those fools find out what the boss has planned for them.
MR. TEAL: It's so evil I can't reveal it for fear of giving away the plot.
MR. INDIGO: Neither can I (to the camera) But stay tuned because it'll be great!
MR. TEAL: Who are you talking to?
MR. INDIGO: Shut up and come on.
(Cut back to Bruce and Joan, who've stepped outside Joan's apartment and are chatting
over buffalo wings)
JOAN: You really screwed up, "Boss"! I'm sorry, but P. Diddy...Puff
Daddy...John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...whatever the (bleep) they call him...
BRUCE: Look, he's doing a theme song for us! It might be an original!
JOAN: Yeah, "might" being the operative word...
(Cut back to Joan's apartment. Combs is going through her records and CDs)
P. DIDDY: Alright, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it and got it! 6 samples! Hail
the beast that is unoriginality!
(Diddy whips out a cellular phone)
P. DIDDY: (Having dialed up) Hey, Stewie! I made it into Joan's inner sanctum, and boy,
is the sampling good...
STEWIE: You bloody twit! You weren't supposed to looking for samples...that was just an
unspoken guise! You're there to get the medical records in Joan's safe. She somehow got
possession of the birth certificates of the "Type F Babies", and you're busting
open the safe for me. If this genetic holocaust is going to happen, then get it done!
P. DIDDY: Alright...ooh, a four-lock!
(P. Diddy opens the safe with the combination "17-14-3-11". The safe opens,
and a heavenly light exudes from inside)
STEWIE: Now, grab the records and run like (bleep)!
P. DIDDY: But they asked me to work on a theme song for the new "Animaniacs".
STEWIE: Like I give a (bleep)...just leave a quick note, and SCRAM!
P. DIDDY: Um...did anyone tell you that for a baby, you've got a pretty bad swearing
STEWIE: Oh, shut up and *MOVE IT*!
(P. Diddy does so, racing off, as we dissolve to a street fair that Katie wanders
about. Background music: "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince)
KATIE: Hmm, I've been running and hiding for quite a while now. I think it's time to
(Katie walks over to a cotton-candy stand, and talks to herself.)
KATIE: Well, I don't think Hannibal will find me here.
SAMANTHA: (V.O) Did you say "'Hannibal"?
KATIE: (Gulping) Um, yes!
SAMANTHA: (Turning around) Meet me over by the music swap, and we can talk!
(Katie, after getting her cotton candy, does so)
SAMANTHA: So, you're a Lecter victim, too, eh?
KATIE: Well, I escaped death by him, if that's what you mean. You see, he's been taking
care of a super-genius baby named Stewie Griffin, and I was strapped to a gurney to have a
blood sample taken by this little brat and his cohorts. I had to escape, knowing that
Hannibal Lecter was in the house, so I ran, and now I'm here. Anyway, why do you ask about
SAMANTHA: Because, darling, I saw him commit a murder. He, on a visit to New York,
abducted a scientist from ACME Labs, my former employer, and then chomped his face off,
dislocated his skull and cracked his jaw. He noticed me, and vowed to get me. Um, would
you care to go to my house?
KATIE: Sure, I think it would be safe.
SAMANTHA: Okay, my car's out front!
(Samantha and Katie walk to her car...meanwhile, back at Stewie's secret headquarters,
the evil toddler is perusing over magazines when Splicer enters)
SPLICER: I have some information that I think will please you.
STEWIE: I hope so, I'm upset because I'm wondering why I hired that unoriginal idiot
Mr. Combs. After all the times he's dated that tramp J-LO I'm beginning to think he can't
handle this job.
SPLICER: Anyway sir, I've performed extensive tests on the samples of blood I have and
I discovered a few things.
STEWIE: Oh like what?
SPLICER: Well the blood contains special mutant cells I have dubbed "Ka-boom
STEWIE: Oh how original.
SPLICER: Anyway when the cells mix with hormones they begin to mutate which I believe
causes the girl's transformation. When the cells have mutated to a certain point, the
stress of the mutation causes them to explode with the force of a bomb. Somehow the holder
of these cells survives.
STEWIE: Get to the point.
SPLICER: I have tested a formula based on Miss Ka-boom's blood on several of my
creatures. They have survived, and I believe it is ready to be used by a more intelligent
STEWIE: Excellent whip up more of this stuff I have a few people already selected for
testing, they'll be here shortly.
SPLICER: What do we do about Miss Ka-boom?
STEWIE: We must get her back before she blabs about our secret project. Fortunately one
of my silent partners has sent a rather capable mercenary to help us.
SPLICER: You know it occurs to me I haven't met these silent partners of yours.
STEWIE: They're the ones who made the government fund all this stuff. Currently they're
trying to eliminate the paper trail that can be traced to us. But that aside, I'd like to
introduce our new ally and guest star, Mr. John Corben.
(John Corben, a.k.a Metallo of "Superman" fame, walks into the room)
STEWIE: A pleasure to meet you Mr. Corben---you come highly recommended.
METALLO: I see my reputation precedes me. So who do you need eliminated?
STEWIE: Actually I need the person recaptured, she escaped from us and I fear she may
leak information about my illegal doings. (He hands him a dossier) Here is a small file I
compiled on her.
METALLO: (scanning through it) You can't recapture a teenage girl? What kind of leader
STEWIE: (angrily) She's no ordinary teen! Whenever she gets angry she transforms into a
giant monster. It won't be easy.
METALLO: I've taken on Superman, so this girl will be a piece of cake. But I'll need a
STEWIE: Just charge whatever you need to the government, those idiots in Washington
will pay for our (finger quoting) "business expenses." And speaking of the big S
try to keep this job discreet I don't want him to know you're here. Then he'll get
involved and probably tell his allies, then I'll have the whole (bleep)ing Justice League
to contend with...
METALLO: I'll try, but I can't promise there won't be property damage.
STEWIE: Destroying stuff is fine, do what you have to just get her back!
METALLO: (grinning evilly) I think I can handle that.
(Splicer comes closer to Stewie)
SPLICER: (whispering) A Superman villain, isn't that a little extreme?
STEWIE: (whispering) Perhaps but he's easy to control. Besides he's better than that
(Cut to a waiting room in what looks to be an employment agency, where Lobo and Roxie
Rocket are sitting on a couch. Lobo has his arms crossed angrily, and frequently looks at
his watch. Roxie is reading People. "There Was A Little Spanish Flea" plays on
the office intercom system...).
ROXIE: Do you think Stewie will call us?
LOBO: He fraggin well better.
(Cut back to the villains' lair...)
STEWIE: Well Mr. Corben I leave you to your task, Hannibal told me he was going to show
some of his home movies and I can't miss those. Splicer, continue your experiments and
inform me when you're done.
SPLICER: Of course sir.
STEWIE: Good, Mr. Giraffe inform me when my guests arrive (The camera pans to a stuffed
giraffe) Well I'm off, Hannibal's home movies don't watch themselves (everyone departs for
their various jobs).
(Back in Burbank the Warners are still trying their fundraising efforts)
YAKKO: Okay so far we've been sponsored by Long John Silver's, Sal's Delicatessen, and
some guy on the street named Arnie.
WAKKO: I liked him, he gave me twenty cents.
DOT: That won't buy us a pencil.
YAKKO: Right, we need important sponsors someone people care about.
WAKKO: Mr Rogers!
YAKKO: Ehhhhh I was thinking a business of some type.
WAKKO: How about McDonald's? We eat there enough.
DOT: He may have a point.
YAKKO: Well let's keep trying, I don't want to be in a commercial with Ronald or his
DOT: Yeah you're right, besides I'm much cuter than Birdie.
WAKKO: I want to eat Mayor McCheese. (His sibs stare at him oddly)
DOT: (To Yakko) Maybe it's the lack of wearing pants...
YAKKO: Could be...
(A brief montage is set to the song "Money" by Pink Floyd. We see the Warners
talking to several executives of big corporations, mostly getting cries of "Yeah
Right" and swift kicks to their collective behinds. We also see Stewie downing a
glass of Chianti with a wide-eyed look on his face, while Hannibal says things like
"and there were his arms, ten bites a piece. Infected and BOOM!". We see Katie
and Samantha drinking glasses of iced tea while looking over issues of "Soldier Of
Fortune", marking off items with pencils. Finally, we cut to the Burbank branch of
ACME Labs, where Brain and crew make their entrance as the montage ends. We see that
little about it has changed since the "Animaniacs" days...the usual test tubes,
lab equipment, computers, etc. are all present.)
PINKY: Just like old times! NARF!
BRAIN: Yes, but we're not here for the memories...we're here to get information. Now,
Pinky, go to that switch, and turn it on when I say so. Billie, give the keyboard a quick
dusting. Axel, walk the perimeter and look for anything unusual.
AXEL: Shouldn't be too (bleep)ing hard!
(Axel walks outside, and gives the lab several walk-arounds. Across the street, a woman
stares at him, waiting for the right moment. This is the by-now familiar Lisa Chapman,
"The Incompleted One", called so because her big debut fanfic story
"Spaced-Out Warners" was never completed. She's accompanied by her sister Nora,
voiced by Nancy McKeon)
NORA: That's the scumbag who killed dad! Didn't you smash his pinky finger with a
LISA: He must've gotten prosthetics. DRATS! We need to get him. Wait, why is he outside
ACME Labs anyway?
NORA: You think those lousy rats might have something to do with it?
LISA: Probably. Wait for the pitcher of mai-tais to arrive. We'll drink to our health,
and then kick a little (bleep)!
NORA: Mai-Tai...Polynesian word for dumb-(bleep)!
(Cut away from the laughing murderers, and back to Joan's apartment. She and Bruce walk
in, and notice that Diddy-head disappeared)
JOAN: Hello? Echo! Great! Isn't that just like a thug to do such a thing?
BRUCE: Well, at least he left us some notes.
JOAN: Try one! (Joan starts reading) "Dear guys...Stock, Aitken and Waterman
called. They wanted to unload their songs for some sampling. I couldn't resist, so I had
to leave. God bless, and peace to my n(bleep)s! P. Diddy". No song...(bleep)!
BRUCE: Um, Joan, what hap penned to your safe?
JOAN: (Alarmed) Why?
BRUCE: You've been cased!
JOAN: How can you tell?
BRUCE: The doorjamb to your safe is loose, that's how!
JOAN: Oh, (bleep)! How could he let somebody get in here? Don't all rappers carry guns?
(Cut from this scene to Samantha's house)
KATIE: So, I say to the guy "I'm like this all year. It's a natural thing".
SAMANTHA: You think so?
KATIE: It has to be. I mean, we all get angry sometimes, right?
SAMANTHA: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, have you talked to Brain recently?
KATIE: No, not since '98. That was a long time ago. Things were simpler then.
SAMANTHA: I'll drink to that!
(The two hold their glasses of iced tea aloft)
KATIE AND SAMANTHA: To the past! Cheers!
(As the glasses clink, we cut to Stewie's compound. The doorbell rings. Dr. Splicer
walks to get it)
DR. SPLICER: Who is it?
P. DIDDY: It's Sean Combs! Let me in!
DR. SPLICER: Step right in!
(As the door opens, Sean runs to the lab)
DR. SPLICER: Hey, did you get my materials?
P. DIDDY: Yep...all the information is here. Want me to start feeding it to the system?
DR. SPLICER: Go ahead! I'll be with you in a moment! I just need to send out some
(Dr. Splicer walks off as we fade back to the Burbank branch of ACME Labs. At a
computer, we see Brain is busy typing away (via his mechanical hand-stalks), with Billie,
Pinky, and Axel looking onward....)
BRAIN: Hmm....no, no, *NO*! None of my usual computer talents seem to be working!
PINKY: A no-talent hack-er? WA-HAHAHAHA! (Falls over laughing)
BILLIE: (Also doubled over with laughter) Yeah...good one, Pinky....
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) I wouldnt be so jovial, given the circumstances...
(Shakes his head, and turns back to the computer screen) Still, Im having no luck in
locating any sign of them.... (slams his fist on the edge of the keyboard) Blast it!
BILLIE: (Stops laughing) Eggy....maybe wed have better luck if we all regrouped
with the Warners. They gave us over the phone the address theyre doing that new show
of theirs in....
BRAIN: But my next hour of computer hacking *may* uncover *something* about those
BILLIE: Hmm...dont worry, Eggy, fortunately *Ive* got that covered.
BRAIN: *You*? How so?
(Billie runs off, and swiftly returns with what looks like a mouse-sized laptop
BILLIE: I built this so I could have a way of doing my freelance writing while on the
go....I call it---the *Pinkpad*!
PINKY: Ooooh, it has part of my name in it! HAHAHA!
BILLIE: (Grinning at Pinky) With the processing power and wireless Internet access I
packed into this thing, I can use it to automatically scour the Internet for any sign of
those two villians....
BRAIN: I see. And just *what sort* of program could possibly do what I spent *hours*
trying to do?
BILLIE: Well, um, this one... (points to a program icon named "Auto-Hacker,
version 1.1b2".) Wrote it myself when I was bored on a slow day...
BRAIN: A "slow day" for you seems to consist of a day when you havent
come up with using some incredible scientific advance to engage in some inane activity
BILLIE: Thats not true! (Pauses) Just wasnt sure if I could use those cold
fusion mechanics I sketched out on a napkin to power Pinkys radio-controlled car...
seein as it seemed kind of excessive to power a toy car and all. (Brains eyes
widen, and he utters "cold fusion?!?") So I chucked the napkin in the trash and
just got some "C" batteries from Rite-Aid.... (Brain slaps his face, and groans)
AXEL: (Rolling his eyes) Lovely....now can we get going now? Id like to get those
Warners stupid "humiliate-Axel-with-cheap-cracks" stuff out of the way....
BRAIN: (Flatly) *Indeed*. Come along, Billie, Pinky....before I find out what *other*
innovations you placed in the recycling bin....
(They all exit...cut to Stewie, Hannibal & Splicer, who're inside the main room of
their facilities. Splicer's finishing perfecting his formula, Hannibal's going through
various 16 mm film reels, and Stewie is on the phone with his previous two
"agents", the "Reservoir Dogs"-esque guys...)
STEWIE: That's right....perform that one task, and then I'm letting you go. (Squaking
noises heard) Well, I'm sure Taratino'll be willing to hire you. Good day.... (hangs up,
then redials) Just finished paring down a few extras. Last thing we need is to have such
high overhead, especially with what we're paying Metallo.... I also took the liberty of
cancelling the need of those two "special guest volunteers" I requested---I have
a much *more* vile use for that formula! (Giggles) Are you finished yet, Splicer?
SPLICER: (Holding up a tube) All finished...
STEWIE: Excellent. Then since Metallo is putting phase one of the plan in action, time
to begin phase two.... thanks to those "Reservoir Dog" cretins, I've managed to
locate which television station they're filming that series at. Soooooo.... (dials the
station's number, and puts a piece of cloth over the receiver) Hello? Is this station
manager Mr. Grant? Yes, my name is.... (mutters) drat, what sort of name do those ad hacks
use these days? Ah, yes... (to the phone) Mr. Chip Flipman, an ad executive for the big
company, er, (using the villains' initials of their last names) G-S-L Inc. We're prepared
to offer those puppy-children of yours $47 million to sponsor their show, of which your
station shall also reap part of the windfall. (Sounds of Mr. Grant getting excited) Yes,
now, before we finish the deal, I'll need to see all of the show's staff at the
station---puppy children, laboratory mice, what-have-you. OK? Thank you...tata---you
too....toodles! (Hangs up, and laughs) Excellent....
HANNIBAL: What's the plan, Stewie?
STEWIE: Oh, you'll see....*you'll see*.... (Sinister music...)
(Cut to KWCD-TV, sometime in the early evening....a banner hangs on the outside reading
"Coming Soon: All-New Animaniacs: the Animated Series"... the sky is
filled with stars, and a few clouds roll across the sky...inside, we see the entire
station's staff is there, including the stars of the A!-revival attempt: the KWCD station
crew, Mr. Grant, the Warners, the lab mice, Axel Foley, Slappy Squirrel, Joan Jett, and
Bruce Springsteen. All look highly excited...well, save for Brain.)
SLAPPY: Can we get this syndicated-mishmash-thingamajig started already? "Judge
Judy"s on in ten minutes.
BRAIN: Soon---preferably after weve found Stewies lair. How is that coming,
BILLIE: (At her laptop) Just a sec..... (hits a key) There! Ive configured it to
automatically attempt a trace on anything matching our required information needs, gain
access into said system the informations in, and download it to the laptop.
BRAIN: All that from *one* computer program.... vs. the vast amounts of hacking
experience Ive had to perform over the years.
BILLIE: Well, I *did* have some help. (Brain looks at her inquisitively) Linux. Using
it at the laptops underlying OS. Whatd you think I was going to say?
BRAIN: I.... (stops in mid-sentence) Oh, never mind.... (turning to Wakko) So, you say
that company is offering you $47 million to sponsor *this* show? Strange...
WAKKO: I know....isn't it *wonderful*?! Now I can afford to order all the pizzas I
(A knock on the main entrance is heard...Wakko goes to open it. We see a pizza delivery
guy holding several boxes of pizza. Wakko pays him, and heads back inside....)
WAKKO: Yum! It's got cheese and pepperoni!
(He puts the pizza on the table, and everybody takes a slice and digs in....)
BRAIN: (Eating) So, Ms. Jett, someone broke into your safe, and swiped birth
certificates of the "Type F" infants?
JOAN: Please, Brain, call me Joan... but yes, that's what happened. Have to guess that
that no-talent hack "P. Diddy" was involved. I'm also missing 10 CD's.... no
clue what he's planning.
BRAIN: (Eating some more)) No, but I can guess.... I've heard of the "Type F
infants" case--various infants born with genetic mutations in the late 70's and early
80's. And since it appears that one of those infants was Ms. Katie Ka-Boom, I can only
assume that Stewie and Splicer are after Ms. Ka-Boom for some aspect of her
"unique" talents. What sinister, vile task they have in mind, I'm not sure....
DOT: So, Bruce.... (hopping into her arms) I was thinking, for the first two shows,
there'd be nothing but duets with you and me, followed by---
SLAPPY: Can it, Missy----he ain't interested in someone who gets carded at the
DOT: But I'm *70*-something....
SLAPPY: Yeah, tell it to child services. (To Bruce) So, Brucey.... (quickly puts on
some lip gloss) Wanna go hit the town after this thing's over?
BRUCE: Er, sorry, Slappy, ah....maybe some other time.
SLAPPY: OK.. .(whips out an appointment book) How's 3:30 tomorrow sound?
"Montel" will be off by then....
MR. GRANT: (Holding up a cup filled with punch) Attention, everyone! Thanks to these
fine children (The Warners grin and take a bow), they've single-handedly managed to put
this station on solid financial ground for the first time in years! (all clap) So, here's
to the Warners, and the future success of their show!
BRAIN: (Who didn't join in the "hurrah") Hmph... something's still not right
about this.... I don't trust this at all...
(Pan over to see a row of TV monitors behind the group, displaying "The
Indian-Head-Test-Pattern Variety Half-Hour"; suddenly, the pattern vanishes, as the
screen goes to static....)
MR. GRANT: What th--?! (Seeing the monitors) Hey, we're not scheduled for sign-off
until after "Colored-Bars-Test-Pattern-Theater" goes off....
(The bank of monitors soon blink back on, with all of them displaying one image....)
STEWIE: Greetings, comrades. Your old "friend" Stewie Griffin here...
ALL: (Begin murmuring to each other)
BRAIN: (Angry) I *knew* it! (To the monitors) All right, Stewie, what's your game this
PINKY: Yeah, you bad, naughty baby, you! Someone should put you to bed without your
bottle! (Pauses) Or without burping you anyway, POIT...
STEWIE: (Hearing this) My game? Oh, it's a delightful one, and I'm sure you'll all
enjoy it.... I trust you're all rested? Well-fed?
WAKKO: Not really... (pats his stomach) Don't think I had enough extra-extra-cheese on
*my* slice of pizza...
STEWIE: (Ignoring Wakko's remarks) Good....because I'm going to let you in on a little
secret: MY EVIL SCHEME! (Dum-dum-duuuumm.... Stewie does that "shifting his eyes back
and forth" bit) As you may or may not be aware, Dr. Splicer and several of my agents
have arranged to provide me with the secret of Katie's monster-transformation abilities.
Thanks to this formula (Holds up a vial) I shall have a whole army of mutant creatures
which I'll use to take over the *world*!
BRAIN: (Angry) Over my dead body---or anyone else's...besides, you'll never find any
STEWIE: Au contraire, my rodent friend.... I trust you enjoyed that pizza of yours?
BRAIN: I fail to see what that Italian-derived dish has to do...with... (Eyes widen,
and a look of panic crosses his face) You *DIDN'T*?!?
STEWIE: Oh, yes..
BILLIE: (Also looking shocked) You *DID*....
STEWIE: (Chuckles) *Yes*...
PINKY: Um...did what?
BRAIN: Pinky...the pizza...that little brat's laced it with that *formula* of his!
(All begin looking panicked; Stewie laughs)
STEWIE: Don't worry, Brain, I didn't lace *all* of them....
(They all sigh with relief)
STEWIE: Just four slices at random. Soon, very soon, four of you shall find yourselves
transforming against your will into some sort of horrific creatures, only willing to
destroy, maim, and *KILL*!
(All once more begin looking panicked, some screaming...they begin racing for the door,
but find they can't get it open)
STEWIE: Oh, don't bother trying to leave...my "reservoir Dogs" agents have,
in their last act under my employ, sealed off the entire building. Not even those Warners'
inane cartoon trickery or that elderly squirrel's explosives can allow them to escape!
(Billie looks at the heating ducts) Don't bother with those either. I've sealed off *that*
cliched escape route as well.
BRAIN: I gather this means you've somehow disabled the "ka-boom" aspect of
STEWIE: Of course...I just want four of you to transform into hideous monsters and kill
your comrades with your bare hands. Much more effective than some cartoonish explosion.
And the best part of all is, none of you will know *which* four will *become* the monsters
until it's too late! (Laughs, as Brain angrily stares at the monitors) Oh, and one more
thing....just to fully cover my tracks, there's two other things I have to mention. One:
(the monitor changes to an image of Metallo) Mr. Corben, aka "Metallo", is
currently hunting down and trying to destroy one Ms. Ka-Boom. And two: (cut to Hannibal
HANNIBAL: Hello, all. I'm somewhere inside the TV station as well....and I'm sure
you're all just *dying* to meet me. (Does that "licking his lips rapidly" thing;
all cringe with fear...)
STEWIE: So, all in all, I daresay this is one of my most *vile* plans yet....(laughs)
And I'll be watching from the comfort of my still-secret lair... (Brain glances quickly at
the still-processing laptop of Billie's) So, have fun, and stay safe.... *NOT*! (Laughs,
as the monitors blink off...)
PINKY: Brain...what'll we do?!? Any of us, *any of us* could be a hideous creature...
(he glances at Axel)
AXEL: (Flatly) Not (bleep)in' funny. Now what'll we do?! I ain't dyin' in some horror
movie-type scenario---did any of you (bleep)s see "Aliens"?!?
BILLIE: I did... but anyway (walks over to the pizza crusts) I think if we could
somehow get back to the Lab, I could analyze the composition of the formula and create an
antidote...or I suppose, something to defend ourselves from any monsters or Mr. Lecter.
BRAIN: But the laboratory is miles from here....and we're sealed in, remember?
MR. GRANT: Hmm.... there *is* some old lab equipment and chemicals at the far other end
of the station in storage...we used to use 'em for the "Mr. Scientist-Type-Guy"
show before we cancelled it back in '92... maybe something *there* could help you?
BILLIE: (Sighs) Well, I suppose beggars can't be choosy. Come on, let's go....
WAKKO: Wait....what about the monsters? How do we know they aren't tricky? (Glares at
Billie) Or that *you* could be the monster? (The sibs whip out their mallets and look at
BILLIE: Oh, come on....*me* a monster? (Fidgets) If anyone, I'd figure the most
easily-aggravated guys here would be prime candidates....
(The sibs turn towards Slappy and Axel...)
SLAPPY: Hey, hey! I ain't no monster... besides, we're regular characters. Or at least,
*I* am. Vs., oh, Joanie-baby over there... (the sibs turn to Joan)
JOAN: Hardly.... look, blaming ourselves won't get us anywhere.
WARNERS: *Ourselves*?! (They turn towards each other)
DOT: OK, Wakko....just set the mallet down nicely, if you *aren't * really a monster.
WAKKO: OK...um...you go first, *Yakko*...if that *is* your real name.
YAKKO: Oooohh, *clever line*, Mr. "Coffee-Drinking/Eating Frenzy"....
BRAIN: Enough of this! I suggest we head for the storage facility....and try to keep
PINKY: Um...OK, Brain... (gulps)
BILLIE: Care to hold my hand, Pinky?
PINKY: Well, erm, OK, Billie... if it'll make it stop shaking in a
(He does so...Billie flashes a brief grin at Brain, who rolls his eyes, and the group
all take off, Billie's laptop still churning away at finding the villains' hideout...
sinister music plays, as we see storm clouds hovering over the station...).
(Recycled stock footage promos for "Static Shock" play...then, fade back to
Katie and Samantha. With Pat Benatar's "You Better Run" playing in the
background, Katie and Samantha are unloading bullets at various targets...)
KATIE: Wow, I'm still amazed at the fact that you got your own shooting range.
SAMANTHA: Well, with grant money and a friendship with the NRA, all things are
possible. I'm doing it for the day Hannibal and I meet again.
KATIE: You think you will?
SAMANTHA: Darling, all things have to happen sometime. When he sees me, he's gone!
(Flatly) Besides, I'm sure the writers of this thing wouldn't *dream* of some contrived
run-in with the guy...
KATIE: I could help out.
SAMANTHA: I'm keyed-up, strapped to the nines and ready to kick nuclear (bleep)!
KATIE: Rock out with your Glock out!
SAMANTHA: (Bleep) straight!
(Double bullets at a target, and then they high-five)
SAMANTHA AND KATIE: OW!
(Cut to the station, where our group has made their way to the storage door...)
JOAN: Well, who's going to open it?
YAKKO: I will! (Yakko creaks open the door, and doesn't find lab equipment, but...)
WAKKO: More doors!
DOT: Great, how did this happen?
AXEL: (Bleep)ing janitor, maybe? (the Janitor, who's with the group, looks at Axel
BRAIN: Well, my friends, it looks like we'll have to split up into separate groups.
It's for the best, maybe. We'll be away from each other so we won't have to worry about
attacking each other when the transformation happens.
(The gang splits up into three groups, each one taking a separate door. Cut to
Hannibal, who's apparently watching all this on a TV monitor somewhere in the station...)
HANNIBAL: They're in, and now, to look around. I knew that hanging around cartoon
characters would be to my benefit! Now for a meal! (Sinister music plays, as we see
Hannibal exit the scene...)
(Commercials pushing NBC's so-called "Olympic Coverage" play, with the
disclaimer at the bottom of the screen "only 17% LIVE coverage", the word
"LIVE" in larger type than the rest of the phrase....)
(Cut back to KWCD-TV, still at night, with the storm clouds over the station now
emitting various bursts of thunder and lightning. Fade to the Warners, who're walking with
Mr. Grant and one of the KWCD staff members, who bears a rather strong resemblance to
Shaggy from "Scooby Doo"...)
STAFF GUY: Like, I really don't like this, Mr. Grant. I mean, what if one of *us* is a
monster? I mean, I could be walking along, and I could vanish....*poof*, just like that.
YAKKO: Don't worry, Lanky...we split up, remember? This *always* works in horror
DOT: I thought it *never* worked in horror movies. In fact, it's probably one of the
biggest cliches *of* horror films.
YAKKO: Gee....then I guess Brain actually gave unwise advice. Who knew?
DOT: Not him...he probably thinks horror movies are "pureile pablum for the
infantile, easily-entertained masses." (The sibs look at her) Got it from "The
(The group walks along the hallway further, and pass a shadowed part of the hallway.
When they emerge, we see that two of them are missing: Wakko and Mr. Grant...)
YAKKO: So, Wakko, other than the horrific, mutagenic, life-threatening properties it
contained, how'd you like the pizza? (No answer) Wakko? (Still no answer) *Wakkooooo*...
(Turns around and sees the missing two)
LANKY: Aw, geez! We're gonna get killed...I know it. (Whining)
(Suddenly, we hear two screams, along with what sounds like growling, and the sounds of
torn cloth. The three run, retracing their steps. Soon, they stop, and find in front of
them Wakko and Mr. Grant, lying on opposite sides of the hallway and looking as if they've
suffered a nasty beating. Both of their clothes are in tatters...)
LANKY: (Gasping) Aw, geez! Like, what happened?!? (Shakes with fright...)
WAKKO: (Panting) Attacked...here....shirt....torn....sentences...incomplete. (Gulps,
and looks frightened) Can't remember anything else..
MR. GRANT: (Panting) Last thing I remember is blanking out....next thing I know, I was
lying here with my clothes in ruins....
LANKY: (Still frightened) Like, it was the *monster*! Either one of the others
transformed and is loose, or (gulps) one of *you two* are the monster! (Passes out; Yakko
YAKKO: Looks like we'll have to take preventative measures. Dot, make sure Wakko and
Mr. Grant here are well-protected from each other!
DOT: Sorry, Wakko, but we can't take any chances on us being torn into a
million-zillion-itty-bitty-bloody pieces. (Reaches into Wakko's shirt, and pulls out his
wacky sack. She begins digging around in it, trying to find something....)
(Cut to a short while later, as we see the gang proceed forward down the hall... Wakko
and Mr. Grant are ensconsed in straight-jackets, unable to free their arms.)
MR. GRANT: This is more humiliating than the time "Static Screen Sunday" was
beaten out by the Home Shopping Channel in the ratings....
WAKKO: (Trying to sound chipper) Don't worry---you get used to it! (Mr. Grant raisies
an eyebrow at Wakko...)
(Fade from here, to another group: Axel, Joan, Bruce, Slappy, and several KWCD staff
SLAPPY: There ain't no sign *anywhere* of some flippin' easy-bake chemistry set
thingamajig. *Or* of some freakin' monster....
KWCD'S JANITOR: Aren't you worried? I mean, this here situation has to be one of the
most frightening things I've ever seen in my whole career. (Scratches his head) Just wish
I could remember where that lab equipment was stored...would put me at ease. You're *sure*
you're not scared?
SLAPPY: Nah. Faced all sorts of worse baddies in my cartoons. If we see any of 'em,
I'll give 'em what's for. (Tosses a hand grenade up and down in her hand)
JOAN: Well, I'm hoping to just come out of this *alive*.
AXEL: Same here. I've got a (bleep) political career to get back to, and I ain't going
to get killed or captured in some cliched horror movie manner. Besides, I should know
about horrific-type stuff---I starred in "Vampire in Brooklyn", remember?
SLAPPY: Yeah, no kiddin'.....that film was so horrific, I had to use it as fodder fer
my compost heap, heh, heh...
AXEL: OK, if you're gonna be that (bleep) way, I'm just gonna walk ahead of you
JOAN: Hey, wait up...we've got to stick together, remember?
(Joan runs up after Axel, as does the Janitor....they all go around a darkened corner.
Slappy keeps ambling along at her own pace...)
SLAPPY: (Frowning) Hmph. Don't like the sound of this...
STAFF MEMBER #2: What sound?
SLAPPY: Exactly. We oughta be hearin' screams or somethin' by this point.
STAFF MEMBER #2: Standard horror movie cliche?
SLAPPY: No, "Scooby Doo"...
(They all turn the corner, only to find the Janitor present.)
BRUCE: Um, dude...where'd Axel and Joan go?
(The Janitor only shrugs, as the others look around with bewilderment/nervousness...)
(Cut to the final group, the lab mice...Billie's still holding Pinky's hand, as Brain
leads the way.)
PINKY: (Seeing how spiderweb-filled and dank the hallway is) Um, Brain? I don't like
this....it's *scaaary*...and not in a fun way, POIT!
BRAIN: Not to worry, Pinky....I'm sure that Billie won't let anything happen to you.
Particularly with how strongly she's holding your hand...
PINKY: Oh, Brain, that's OK.... maybe I can hold your hand?
BRAIN: Feh. I'm not a kindergardener...I don't need any hand holding.
BILLIE: That's OK, Pinky... I wanna hold your hand.....
PINKY: Ooooh, um, uh.... eight days a week?
BILLIE: Longer than *that*, even....
PINKY: Really? Um, I guess we might want to start using hand lotion---wouldn't want our
hands to get all rough, NARF!
(Billie gushes with excitement and giggles, while Brain makes a face....)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Let's keep moving....
(They do so, with Brain still leading the way and Pinky trailing behind Billie...)
BILLIE: You know, Eggy, after all this is over, I'm considering submitting an article
on all this to the New York Times' "Science" section.... with all the
technological, genetic and other aspects of all this, I think they might be interested in
a Sunday piece on all this! Either that, or something on the Warners' attempt at a new
show. (They pass a shadowed part of the hallway) What do you think, Eggy? (No answer)
Eggy? (Scratches his head) Um, Pinky...is Eggy behind you?
PINKY: Um, no, I don't think so.
BILLIE: (Gulps) That's what I'm afraid of....let's keep moving. I'm sure the lab
equipment's stored around here somewhere. (They keep moving....) (Nervous) So, Pinks,
maybe later on, we can go have some Thai food.... I'm sure you'd like to make little bows
outta the noodles! Eh, heh... (nervous, as her laughter grows weaker) Just trying to make
a little joke, Pinks. (No answer) Pinky? (Still no answer; Billie now looks even more
worried) Oh, no....
(We see Billie retrace her steps back up the hallway, as we see various spiderwebs and
dripping pipes fill the hallway. Suddenly, Billie sees something out of the corner of her
eye, almost a blur of some sort zipping past. She tries to ignore it, and moves on.
However, another, more noticeable blur zips by, catching her attention again. She
continues on, now looking quite frightened. The music for this scene is very
BILLIE: (With her eyes squeezed shut) Please, please, *please*, don't let anything bad
happen to Pinky. (Wipes a tear from her eye) Or Eggy either, I suppose. (Her walking
continues, but she suddenly hears something behind her, that almost sounds like
BILLIE: (Slowly turning) Please, Pinky or Eggy, *tell* me it's you.
(She completes her turn, and as we see her stare at something off-screen, she emits an
extremely loud scream, as the background orchestra music reaches a crescendo. We then see
her run at a breakneck pace down the hall, as fast as her feet can carry her, with some
sort of blurred out figure hot on her trail. A few grunting and growling sounds can be
heard emitted from the figure...)
(Billie reaches the door at the end of the hall, but sees that it's been shut. She
decides to squeeze under the door, but the crack barely allows her to make it. She yanks
her tail out from the door crack, as we hear loud growling noises come from behind the
door, and the door rattling. Billie, having barely caught her breath, runs down the hall,
trying to get as far away from where she'd just came....)
BILLIE: (Thoughts racing) What'll I do now? Can't go back there...but something
might've happened to Pinky and Eggy.... what do I do, what do I do.... *huff*...*puff*...
guess I can try finding one of the others. Strength in numbers, after all...something I
gotta remind Eggy of--if I ever see him or Pinks again! (She comes to the two doors the
two other groups went down, hesitates, then makes up her mind and picks the one that
Slappy, Axel and co. went down...)
(Cut away from the station, to... Katie and Samantha. They seem to be taking in some
karate practice on some straw dummy set up near the firing range.....however, nearby we
see lurking in the bushes one John "Man with the kryptonite heart" Corben....)
METALLO: (Eyes glowing) Ah, yes....Ms. Kaboom and this "Samantha". Time to
earn my *keep*.... (sinister grin)
(Pan over to Katie and Samantha....)
KATIE: That documentary last night on Encore was some good stuff! HI-YAA!
SAMANTHA: Wasn't it, though? They've been making that stuff since film first went to
METALLO: (Talking to himself) Aaah, there's nothing I love more than a woman trying to
SAMANTHA: Who said that?
METALLO: I did!
KATIE AND SAMANTHA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (Both are frightened by his immense bulk)
METALLO: We can go the easy way, but that's too boring...Let's do it the hard way!
(Metallo grabs the two women, weakens them with a few quick punches, and spirits them
over to Stewie's hide-out, where....)
STEWIE: (Hearing a knock at the door) Hopefully, that's the Chinese take-out I ordered
(Stewie opens the door)
METALLO: Got your girl, and her new friend, too!
(Dissolve to Stewie's lab, where the women have come to)
SAMANTHA: Where am I?
KATIE: Aaagh! I'll tell you where we are...we're back in imprisonment!
STEWIE: Hello, my sweets! Thought you could escape me, didn't you, Katie?
KATIE: You monster! Who informed you?
STEWIE: Your taxi driver friend! Bring him out!
(The driver, or more accurately, what's left of him, is wheeled out on a gurney. We
can't see what happened, but Katie and Samantha can)
SAMANTHA: Oh my God, his face has been ripped apart!
STEWIE: You have a good eye! More than I can say for *him*... (chuckles) One guess as
to who did it! C'mon...take a little guess...hmmm? Huh?
SAMANTHA: You don't mean...
(Stewie simply has a demonic look on his face, for no more needs to be said)
STEWIE: Yes! Guess what...you get to see him again! Aren't you lucky? Ready the
SPLICER: (Flicking a switch) All systems go!
STEWIE: Alright, Ms. Malden...we're warping you to KWCD-TV, where you'll run for your
life against your friend Hannibal!
(Samantha is thrown into a pulsating pool of blue light, and then we see her traveling
through the unknown, finally crash-landing in the studios)
SAMANTHA: (Bleep)! He could be anywhere! Good thing I bought along "Little
Freddy" (Samantha whips out a Glock from her denim jacket, and a full clip from the
pocket of her jeans) Come on, you (bleep)ard! Let's boogie!
(As Samantha runs off, both for her life and to avoid Hannibal, we cut to...)
LYDIA KARAOKE: (At her desk) Hello, Lydia Karaoke here. I just want to say that our
budget for censoring out all the naughty swear words this story's used to this point has
managed to surpass all previous fan fiction stories. It was bad enough that that
potty-mouthed policeman goes around cursing a blue streak, but this story also forces me
to deal with this "Samantha" person's cursing, two hired hoods' swearing, *and*
cursing coming from, of all people, a tiny little baby. (Shakes her head) And I won't even
go into the very un-family-friendly tone of that last scene with Hannibal Lecter...or
anything else he's done in this story. (Sighs) I suppose we'd best return to the
"action", with the hope that things shall improve from this point for the
story's tone. (We see Hannibal stick his head into the shot)
HANNIBAL: Mmm....say, Lydia, care for a quick bite to *eat*? Censoring must make one
very *famished*... (licks his lips rapidly)
LYDIA: (Makes a face) Ack... no, thanks. Now get out of my scene.
(Shoves Hannibal off-camera; a few music chords signal the end of this pointless bit,
as we fade back to...the Warner half of the crew, still combing the hallways of KWCD
looking for the lab equipment Billie needs to try to find an antidote to the monster
formula, turn whoever the monsters are back to normal, and avoid Hannibal Lecter in the
process...Wakko and Mr. Grant are still in straight jackets.)
DOT: (Reading the caption above) Boy...great way to summarize the characters. What's
next? A pointless "role call" sequence?
YAKKO: Ooooh! Great idea! (Loudly) CHARACTER ROLL CALL! *Yakko*!
LANKY: Like, *Lanky*!
MR. GRANT: *Mr. Grant*!
(All await to hear Wakko say something....however, they don't hear anything. Pan over
to see that Wakko's missing...)
YAKKO: Um, where'd Wakko go?
(Suddenly, we hear growling come from behind the group....they all slowly turn around,
only to find....)
DOT: (Gulps) Please, please, *please* let it be Mel Gibson....
(They find....a seven-foot-tall creature with glistening fangs, slobbering tongue,
hideous-looking, tangled green fur, claw-like hands and feet, and is wearing a
torn-looking blue shirt and way-too-small hat....)
DOT: Oh, no....
YAKKO: Oh, yes....
LANKY: (Panicked) Like, *ZOINKS*! This is gettin' too *weird*, man!
(The now-transformed Wakko growls loudly, blowing everyone back a few feet.)
DOT: (Holds up a roll of "Lifesavers") Breath mint?
(The Wakko-Monster takes the whole roll, and eats them in one gulp, followed by
storming towards the rest of the crew, licking his lips....)
YAKKO: Um, guys, I think Mr. Wakko Monster is reliving his "feeding frenzy"
DOT: Yeah....or something like that....uh...uh.....ideas?
LANKY: Yeah, I got one---*RUN*!
DOT: I'm not arguing.
MR. GRANT: Me neither.
YAKKO: Well, we *could* debate the merits of whether or not running versus staying or
going at a gentle jog would be appropriate--- (the Wakko-Monster stomps closer, growling
unintelligible sounds) But I'll put that on the agenda for next time. (They all quickly
race down the hall, with the Wakko-Monster on hot pursuit...they get to the end of the
hallway where they originally came in, slam the door shut, and Dot and Yakko put up
various boards, locks, chains, etc. on the door.)
YAKKO: *Whew*....that oughta hold 'em.
(Apparently not---the newly-transformed Wakko tears through part of the door, and
proceeds to try to rip apart the rest of the obstacle....)
DOT: (Looking at her work being ruined) That was pointless.
YAKKO: No time for old lines, Dot...let's get outta here!
(Yakko, Dot, Mr. Grant, and Lanky all tear down the hall, and go through the door that
the Axel-Joan team went into...)
(Cut to this particular team....or what's left of them. They're still bewildered about
the whereabouts of the missing Axel Foley and Joan Jett, as well as having heard Billie's
tale of what just happened to her...)
BRUCE: Don't worry, Billie...we'll find the missing guys.
BILLIE: (Glum) I hope so...I mean, if anything happened to Pinky.....and Eggy.....
SLAPPY: Well, if anything happened to them, we'll give that little diaper-wearin' brat
the what's-fer.... make *me* miss the start of the "Judge Judy Marathon", will
SAMANTHA: (VO) He'll do nothin' but *eat lead*...
(The group turns around, only to find Samantha is standing there, wielding a
SAMANTHA: Glad to catch up with you. That little demon-spawn somehow teleported me into
this station, and I found a bunch of darkened hallways and, well, you guys. I assume
you're looking to find a way of stopping Hannibal.
SLAPPY: Well, take a number, sister---psychotic monsters are a little higher priority
on the list than psychotic *cannibals* right now....
(Suddenly, the Warners-crew catch up to the others....and several explanations
DOT: ...so, basically, Wakko's now a hideous gluttonous monster.
(They all pause)
DOT: (Waiting for the obvious response) Well?
SLAPPY: Nah. Too easy. (taking stock of the situation) Lessee...we're missin' one
big-headed mouse, one bucktoothed mouse, one Wakko, one foul-mouthed
cop-turned-comedian-turned-Congressman and one musician. And Wakko's now a monster. Oh,
and that Hannibal Lecturer-or-whatever-his-name-is guy's on the loose. Did I miss
BRUCE: (Nervous) (Gulps) Erm, Slappy....
SLAPPY: Not now....tryin' to figure out how much dynamite ta use to blow those Stewie
and Splicer feebs ta kingdom come....lessee.... 5 missin' characters times 200 tons of
JANITOR: (Also nervously backing up, along with the rest of the gang) No, Miss...I
mean, I think we've *found* two of those missing guys....
SLAPPY: Really? Why didn't ya say... (turns around, and finds... two large,
evil-looking creatures. They both have similar fur/claws/coloring to the now-transformed
Wakko, except one bears a strong resemblance to Brain (looking a bit like he did in
"Brain Meets Brawn"), and one resembles Ms. Jett....) ...so. Great.
(They both growl.... Slappy backs up along with the rest of the group, but they soon
bump into another creature----namely, Wakko. He growls as well at the group, as do the
now-monstrous Joan and Brain.)
DOT: Great... at least we now know what happened to all of them. Except for Axel and
Pinky... though I guess since Stewie said there's *four* monsters, it might mean that one
of *them* could be a monster, too....
BILLIE: (Whispering to herself, concerned-sounding) *Pinky*...
(The Wakko-, Brain- and Joan-Monsters all growl once more, and begin to walk towards
DOT: Um, I think this is about the point where we get to run in terror, in some sort of
crazed chase sequence number....
LANKY: Like, sounds like a plan....
BRUCE: No foolin'...
YAKKO: OK....um, just a minute...
(Yakko whips out a turntable and speakers, sets them on the ground, and put the needle
on the record....we instantly hear start up music to the Miracles' post-Smokey Robinson,
disco-era hit "I'm Just a Love Machine" ... everyone takes off down the hall,
with the three monsters in hot pursuit....cut to a multiple-split-screen showing the
various remaining heroes all racing all around the station in various locations we hear a
growling noise in the background, as singing starts up:)
SINGERS: I'm just a mean machine...
And I won't chase anybody but you (Roaring noise is heard)
I'm just a mean machine...
A chasing growling fiend...
(Cut to the TV control room, where we see Samantha, Dot, and Slappy have ran into....)
SINGERS: I think it's high time you know, whenever I think of you, my fear becomes
(They soon see that the Brain-creature is inside, waiting for them and growling loudly;
Slappy tries tossing an explosive at the creature, but the monster licks his lips and puts
out the fuse, before tossing the now-dead explosive down his throat and swallowing it
whole. The explosion goes off inside him, however, but he only belches a little smoke,
before growling again. The threesome race out of the room....)
SINGERS: When I look in your eyes, I get chills down my spine, and I just want to
(Cut to Billie, Bruce, some of the KWCD staff, and Mr. Grant all racing through the
video editing room. They see the Joan creature approach them. Billie whispers something to
Bruce, who takes a film can reel copy of, ironically enough, "Silence of the
Lambs", and, making a lasso out of the film, tries lassoing the creature with various
amounts of film. They all think they've stopped the creature, but no such luck---it tears
free, angrier than before. They all take off running....)
SINGERS: My insides start to churn with fear, when it's you I'm standin' neeear....
(Cut to various scenes of the heroes running some more....)
SINGERS: My face begins to turn real pale....
And my fright level's way off the scale, OOOOH! (Growling heard)
(Cut to scenes of, oddly enough, Yakko and Dot dancing to the disco-ish chase music
beat, with a reluctant Mr. Grant, all wearing "Saturday Night Fever"-esque
SINGERS: I'm just a mean machine...
And I won't chase anybody but you
I'm just a mean machine...
A chasing growling fiend...
(Pan over to reveal that the Wakko-Monster is also, oddly enough, getting down to the
disco beat; the dancing sibs/Mr. Grant see this, and take off, with the monster in hot
pursuit. Cut to various split-screen scenes of the various heroes in different parts of
the studio running.....)
SINGERS: La... La la la la..... La la la la.. La la ..... oooh-ooh-ooooh...
La la la la la.. La la la.... La la laaaaaaaaa....
(Cut to a scene of Lanky and the Janitor trying to get a snack from the station
cafeteria---only to find the Wakko-Monster is there, eating a pile of food. The
Wakko-creature sees the two, and takes off in hot pursuit....)
SINGERS: Scarin', scarin' baby, yeah!!
I'm just a mean machine...
And I won't chase anybody but you
I'm just a mean machine...
A chasing growling fiend...
(Cut to another scene of the gang, now all together once more, running through the
studio....they screech through a old-looking door, and into what appears to be a large
storage room. The three monsters also race in after them. Backed into a corner, Dot grabs
a newspaper stuck in the back pocket of the Janitor, and opens it to an article about
Fox's new fall lineup. The three creatures see this, and race off screaming....)
SINGERS: (Finishing off the song) I'm just a mean machine....a chasing growling
fiend..... (sounds of the creatures screaming can be heard, as they race off into the
YAKKO: *Whew*...glad that's over.
DOT: Yeah....not sure if "cheesy 'Scooby Doo' chase musical numbers" are up
our alley... (sees something on a table next to them) Hey, look!
(Sure enough, it's the chemicals and lab equipment they were all looking for....)
BRUCE: Great...now Billie can get to work finding a way to make an antidote or
JANITOR: (Hands something to Billie) Here's a piece of the pizza crust from that box.
Maybe it'll help?
BILLIE: I suppose so.... (sniffs) Oh, Pinky....
BRUCE: I know you're worried about your friends, but you've got to focus on this,
little lady----you're our only hope! And *theirs*....
BILLIE: (Sniffs) I suppose you're right. (Sternly) OK, Billie...time to *get to
work*.... (to Bruce) I'll need help setting up the chemicals and equipment, since they're
BRUCE: No prob....
BILLIE: Lessee...I'll need---(gasps) The laptop! I forgot my laptop! I was trying to
figure out where those loser's hideout was, and I left it in the lobby upstairs! I'll need
someone to go after it....
YAKKO: Awwww, I hate this cliche of horror movies....someone always forgets something
important to the plot like that....
BILLIE: Maybe, but with it, I might be able to have an answer or idea of where those
losers are holed up, since I assume after all this time, it must've finished processing
the data by now. *Please*?!?
YAKKO: (sighs) Oh, all right. Come on, some of you guys, whoever's brave enough to risk
life and limb, standing up against three hideous creatures, a missing possible fourth
creature, and a psycho cannibalistic killer! (No one budges) O.K., we'll do this the easy
way... (does "eenie meenie minie moe".)
(Cut to a short time later, where we see Yakko, along with Dot, Lanky, and Samantha are
heading out of the room for the laptop, leaving behind Billie, Bruce, Slappy, Mr. Grant,
the Janitor, and the station staff behind to work on an antidote...meanwhile several miles
away, a group oof Animaniacs coo-stars has appeared...)
SQUIT: Boy we were sure lucky to get into that movie theater, so we could finally see
"Lord of The Rings."
PESTO: Yo I slept through half of dat freakin thing, Bobby we need to go back and see
BOBBY: Forget it Pesto, we ain't sneaking back into a movie theater so you can see the
last half of the film.
PESTO: But Bobby, I mean the movie stars out all boring right, It's just talking, and
talking. So I fell asleep, next thing I know Squit is waking me up here and the movies
over, I missed the good stuff.
BOBBY: Forget about it, anyway it's like I told ya I read on this paper that the
Warners were getting a new show.
SQUIT: I don't see how they forgot to invite us.
PESTO: Yeah I mean we're like so much better than some of the other shows. Mindy and
Buttons? it's the same freakin' thing every episode. At least our cartoons have a little
variety ya know what I'm saying?
BOBBY: Yeah forget about it. Anyway we should be approaching the studio.
SQUIT: It'll be great to see the old gang again.
PESTO: Hey Bobby, can we stop? I need some food. I ain't eaten since that movie and
that was stale popcorn and other junk on the floor.
BOBBY: Yeah no problem. (looks around) There's a nearby dumpster, people usually drop
good food in there.
(The three birds dive down into a dumpster, as they look for food a pair of evil
MR. INDIGO: Can you believe Stewie? Firing us after we performed one task for him, one!
We didn't even get to capture those cartoons.
MR. TEAL: Yeah now we're out of work, I know Tarantino won't hire us.
MR. INDIGO: Apparently a couple of hitmen played by members of a popular Canadian
comedy troupe don't fit in his movies.
MR. TEAL: What do we do now?
MR. INDIGO: Let's go back to Stewie's base and collect our payment. Then we'll see if
one of his silent partners will hire us.
MR. TEAL: Good idea but let's pick that guy with the eyepatch and the funny name. We'll
end up dead if we go to work for the Joker.
MR. INDIGO: Amen to that (they leave)
(Meanwhile in the dumpster the pigeons are reacting to the news.)
SQUIT: Did you hear that? those guys sound like bad dudes.
BOBBY: And apparently they might know where those Warners are holed up. I say we follow
PESTO: But Bobby dose Warners don't mean nothing to us.
BOBBY: What're ya crazy? Those Warners gave us our start we wouldn't be where we are
today without them.
SQUIT: Bobby's right.
PESTO: Yeah okay, but dey better not do that freakin' two places at once gag ya know
what I'm saying?
BOBBY: Yeah it's understood, okay Goodfeathers off we go!
(The two idiots' car takes off, followed by the Goodfeathers in hot pursuit)
(Back at Stewie's secret headquarters)
STEWIE: Ha ha those miserable Warners and their friends will destroy each other, and if
they don't, Hannibal will finish off the survivors. Thank God for minor second tier
characters. If only that blasted woodchuck had some powers worth taking.
(Just then Splicer walks in)
SPLICER: Uhh sir there's a band of people here to see you. Apparently you invited them
to watch the Warners demise.
STEWIE: Oh yes, send them in.
(Splicer steps aside and allows in the group, a crew of former Animaniacs villains
including King Salazar, Capt. Mel (the H.M.S Yakko), Mr. Flaxseed, stingy candy store
owner (the Big Candy Store) Umlatt, dictator of Dunlikus (King Yakko) Ivan Bloski, nasty
I.R.S accountant (Plane Pals) and Buddy, former 1930's cartoon turned villain (the Warners
75th anniversary special).)
STEWIE: Welcome gentlemen, and I use the term as loosely as possible. I hope you
enjoyed the ride over.
BUDDY: (in his squeaky voice) Cut the garbage Stewie, why are we here?
CAPT. MEL: Arrr! You said you were going to give us power to destroy those puppy brats.
STEWIE: That was the plan, but I changed it, instead I gave them the power so they can
rip themselves to pieces! And you can watch as those little brats, who defeated all of
you, are destroyed.
BLOSKI: Sounds good to me, I hated having to be their "special friend"...
FLAXSEED: I owe them for baking me in chocolate and giving me to an orphanage.
SALAZAR: Well move out of the way, I want to watch this.
CAPT MEL: Arr, me too.
(All of the evil villains crowd around Stewie's monitor. Cut to Yakko's team, who're
within yards of the left-behind computer...they seem to be preparing for the worst.)
YAKKO: Got protection?
DOT: A can of mace!
LANKY: Um, some smoke bombs!
SAMANTHA: My Glock!
YAKKO: Um, what is a Glock?
SAMANTHA: (Enthusiastically) A Glock is a big-(bleep) gun!
YAKKO: So, any sign of any villains?
DOT: Nope, and now we go onwards! I see the computer right there...
(All of a sudden, who should appear but...)
DOT: Mel Gibson?
HANNIBAL: Nooooo, *me*.
DOT: Hmph....a girl can dream, can't she?
HANNIBAL: (Eyeing the computer, then turns to the heroes) You can look but you can't
touch! (Rapid-fire lip-smacking noises) So, you want the computer?
SAMANTHA: I want you dead, actually!
HANNIBAL: Why, hello, Samantha! It's been a long time. Last time we were together,
Clinton was in office!
SAMANTHA: Yeah, and you killed my friend. Now, it's your turn!
YAKKO: (Whispering) Hey, Samantha! Over here!
(Samantha rushes over to Yakko)
YAKKO: Look, killing is a no-no! We can disable the guy, though! (Whispers into her
SAMANTHA: Hmmm...that could work! (Flatly) Though I refuse to dress in string bikini
while doing all of that, though.
YAKKO: (Snaps his fingers) Darn.
(Samantha rushes to the room again)
SAMANTHA: Hannibal, isn't that...
HANNIBAL: Oh no, I'm not falling for the same trick twi-AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
(It turns out Samantha turned on the silencer, and shot Hannibal's feet. Dot runs over
and sprays her mace can into Hannibal's face. Lanky outlines his body with smoke bombs,
and Yakko tramples Hannibal underfoot, grabs the computer and runs for it)
YAKKO: Everybody, follow me!
(They do so, escaping through the thick cloud of smoke released by the smoke bombs.
Hannibal is in a conscious state, but is awfully angry now)
HANNIBAL: That's it. They're going down. (Bleep)! I need to make some crutches. The
toons...the girl...soon, they'll all be mine!
(Cut to Yakko's team running down the hall. They run fast, then briefly stop when they
hear a demonic "Narf", followed by some low-pitched growling.)
YAKKO: Oh, my lord! They did get him! And I don't mean getting him a complete set of
Jackie K dolls from the Franklin Mint...
(We see the creature approach....and it indeed seems to be a transformed Pinky, looking
as similarly grotesque as the other transformed creatures. We see him clutching in his
now-enlargened-enough claws none other than....)
AXEL: HELLLP! I need somebody! HELP! Not just *anybody*....
DOT: *Please*, Axel----the Powerpuff Girls already did that "Help" joke.
AXEL: (Muted) Oh. Sorry. (Resorts to screaming, as the Pinky-Monster, uttering a few
demonic-sounding giggles eyes Axel....)
YAKKO: Quick, how can we stop him?
DOT: Um....another disco-music-laden chase sequence?
LANKY: ZOINKS! Like, um....hide like cowards and eat a lot?
SAMANTHA: Oooh, ooh, I know! Bullets! Lots of em! Enough to give Charleton Heston
pause... (Clicks her gun)
DOT: Save it for the next HBO series, sister... (Sighs) Well, guys, I think I know how
to stop him long enough to rescue Axel, that is, if hes anything like the *old*
Pinky...though admittedly it isnt the most *ideal* way.
YAKKO: (Perks up) You mean...?!
DOT: (Flatly) Im afraid so...
YAKKO: Then lets do it!
DOT: (Sighs) I may not be able to look at myself in the morning...
(As the Pinky-Monster eyes the group, he feels a hand poking him on the back. He turns
around, only to find that the Warners are in TWO PLACES AT ONCE! Yakko looks pleased,
while Dot has her face covered up by her hands in shame. The Pinky-Monster takes one look
at this, and begins doubling over in demonic-sounding laughter, releasing Axel long enough
to grasp its stomach...the group all take off back to the makeshift-lab. However, the
Pinky-Monster realizes theyve escaped, and unleashes a large roar, before taking off
back down the hallway....)
(Cut back to the makeshift lab, moments later....everyone except for the Janitor is
AXEL: And so, thats what happened. Gettin grabbed out some (bleep)in
hallway to get dragged off by some mutated son-of-a.... (Sees Billie sternly staring at
him) ....gun. (Sheepish grin, followed by a staccato laugh)
BILLIE: (Somewhat sad-looking) Oh, *Pinky*....
BRUCE: Dont worry...itll be all right. Well find where those creeps
are located. Wont we?
BILLIE: (Sees the laptop, and perks up a bit) Thats it! (examines the laptop,
which reads: "DATA COMPILED. LOCATION OF HIDEOUT IS----". However, the computer
suddenly spits up a message reading "System Error---Data Unretrieveable. Please
BILLIE: (Clutching the laptop) *No*.... (Slunks her head on the keypad)
DOT: Great....we risked life and limb for nothing.
AXEL: Hey, do I *look* like nothin to you?!
DOT: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me. (Axel
stares sternly at her) Saw it on "Judge Judy".
SLAPPY: So what do we do now? How do we find out where those feebs are holed up?!
(The Janitor walks over, having returned to the "lab".)
JANITOR: Sorry....all that running made me have to make a pitstop at the little
BRUCE: Hey, whats that stuck to your shoe?
JANITOR: What? (Looks at his shoe, and we see some sort of paper is stuck to it)
Er...must be from the restroom....got to tell those interns to stop using the floor as a
LANKY: (Grabbing it off the shoe) Lessee.... *ZOINKS*! Why, its a map of the KWCD
facilities! Er, sort of.... dont recognize some of these rooms. (Shows it to Mr.
MR. GRANT: (Squinting at the paper) Why, so it *is*. It seems to be a map of the
stations original facilities from when the station was first built in the late
1950s. (Points to several places on the map) Theres the original film editing
BILLIE: (Points to one spot on the map) Whats this part here?
MR. GRANT: Oh, that---thats just the old fallout shelter the station built in
case nuclear war ever broke out. Cold War paranoia and such....
BILLIE: Hmm....has anybody been down there recently?
MR. GRANT: No, not in *years*.... cant recall the last time I--- (gasps) Say, you
BILLIE: (Frowning) Mmm-hmm. Yes, I *do*. (Angrily) Time to go make some
SLAPPY: (Interrupting) You mean that kids been holed up *here* all this time?!
BILLIE: I bet your last blasting cap he is. And hes probably dug some sort of
tunnels, or used that transporter Samantha mentioned, or whatever, as a means of entering
and exiting without anyone here at the station noticing.
SAMANTHA: That tears it, then...(whips out her pistol) Lets go (bleep) some
(bleep)s to (bleep)in-(blee---
YAKKO: Whoa, settle down! And enough with the language already---thats
SAMANTHA: Sorry. Wasnt born to be humorous like you guys.
DOT: Ill say....
BRUCE: Well, perhaps some of us should head for Stewies hideout, try to break in,
and seize the little monster, while the rest of us stay here and finish the antidote.
(Sees Billie about to say something) Like we discussed earlier, youre the only one
smart enough here to find a cure, assuming those villains dont have an antidote in
their "secret" hideout somewhere.
BILLIE: (Nods) Good point...Bruce, you stay with me. Ill need a humans help
lifting these test tubes and chemicals. The rest of you guys, head for that little
DOT: But how do we stop him? With those creatures on the loose and all...
BILLIE: (Angrily) Quite frankly, I dont care at this point.... (glumly) Just
dont...hurt Pinky...or the rest of those "monsters". OK? (The others nod)
OK, you guys....get going!
YAKKO: Right! (He and Dot do a "spin-change", emerging dressed like Fred and
Daphne, respectively, from "Scooby Doo") C'mon, "Scooby Gang", let's
get to the bottom of this mystery!
LANKY: Like, right behind you, man! (Steps a few feet back) *WAAAAAY* behind...
DOT: Aw, c'mon, Lanky...remember, there's no such things as ghosts. Gruesome, freakish,
genetically-mutated creatures out for our very lifeforces, but no ghosts.
LANKY: (Flatly) How comforting.
(The rest of the group exits the "lab", while Billie and Bruce set to work on
finding a cure...meanwhile, cut to Stewie, whos overheard this whole conversation
via one of his monitors.)
STEWIE: (Flatly) Oh, *delightful*. Theyve discovered our lair.
SPLICER: But *Stewie*, they have the map.
STEWIE: I know.
SPLICER: But Stewie, theyll trace it back to---
STEWIE: *I KNOW*! (Stands up) Of course, there *are* those monsters milling about---
time to ensure those cretins dont survive long enough to make it here. (Stewie
places a large pile of meat on the transporters main pad, and programs it to be
teleported to a point part way between the approaching heroes and the entrance to his
lair) And, to make extra sure.... (dials up Hannibal) Hello? Hannibal? Stewie
here....listen, those cretins are on their way. ALl of them except for the girl mouse and
that Springsteen fellow. While Im luring those monsters towards those heroes, why
dont you go after the remaining two? Theyre in subbasement "B", room
10A. OK, then....so long....(hangs up) And finally.... (walks over to Metallo,whos
watching the "action" with the other invited villains) Oh, Mr. Corben? Would you
also see to our guests comfort? Their---*FINAL* comfort?! (Laughs)
METALLO: Itd be a *pleasure*.... (stalks off....)
FLAXSEED: What now, Griffin?!
STEWIE: Now, we *wait*... (sinister laugh, as dramatic music plays) Does anyone have
popcorn? (Is handed a bowl, begins digging in) Mmmf! Mmm... (spits it out) I say, what the
(bleep) is *this*?! (Proceeds to dump the bowl on the floor, and throw it at
Splicers head) I told you *LIGHT* butter! My *GOD*, are you trying to give me a
*bloody HEART ATTACK*?!?
SPLICER: Erm...sorry...Ill go make more.
STEWIE: See that you do. And sprinkle some of that low-calorie cheddar cheese
on---thatd be delightful. (Splicer exits to make more popcorn; dramatic music plays)
(Cut to several moments later...we see that Lisa and Nora are talking to Splicer)
LISA: So, you say that there's been some cool leaps forward in the sciences?
SPLICER: Oh, absolutely! You've been witnessing the monstrosities I've helped turn
those 4 characters into, right?
NORA: Yeah! Definitely...don't eat the wrong slice! (Snickers at her little joke)
SPLICER: Genetics have helped to get that done. It's amazing and complex, really.
LISA: Um, is it possible to bring someone back from the dead?
SPLICER: Well, there is the DNA of dead people in that formula I created!
NORA: Well...(Starting to become a little choked-up) Axel shot our father Endo back in
the early-90s in a club drug bust. We've been sad since his death, and we were
BOTH: (Crying by now) Bring him back, please!
LISA: Please, just one time!
SPLICER: Do you have anything of his?
NORA: (Tears flowing) Our memories, some pictures and a blood sample taken at his
autopsy, that's all!
SPLICER: Good, now let me use this syringe and we can bring him back! You'll see your
father again very soon!
(Splicer runs to the lab, and sees Katie, still fidgeting in her clamps)
SPLICER: Oh, Katherine, my sweet! Would you like to be set free?
KATIE: SURE! Wait a minute, is this some kind of joke?
SPLICER: No joke! Just listen to the sound of my voice...there is only my voice. There
is no Heaven, there is no Hell...Wait, can I say...yeah. Um, where was I? Oh yes, there is
just the sound of my voice!
(Katie has drifted into sleep. Splicer unbuckles her, and walks her to the transporter.
Splicer activates the switch, and tosses her in. The screen goes white, and then we see
the rematerialized Katie in the catacombs of the station. She seems uncertain of her
surroundings, when she hears the lip-smacking noises)
KATIE: (No dialogue, just a big "GULP"!)
(Cut to Splicer, with Stewie and the two evil ladies...they're at a lab table full of
STEWIE: You did *what* with Ms. Ka-Boom?!
SPLICER: Well, I figured we didn't really need her anymore, so I thought maybe those
mosnters would like a little genetically-modified teenager, (chuckles)
STEWIE: Oh, very well then...I suppose I'll just save the arsenic for another time.
SPLICER: (To the ladies) Well, kiddies, I have good news and bad news. ---
SPLICER: Good news is, I can bring back your pop. Bad news--since he'd just be a clone,
he won't have any of your dad's memories, personality, or anything that made him unique.
Plus, there's a *highly probable* chance of the cloning process rendering him an
unspeakable gone-awry creation of science. (Pauses) Wanna do it anyway?
LISA: (Sobbing) Oh, what's the *use*... the only way to bring him back would be to
somehow, through some contrived and convoluted means, pull him from out of the past just
before he got shot and into the present via, I dunno, some sort of
time....device....thingy...y'know, like a machine? (Sniffs)
SPLICER: (Pondering) Hmmm....you know, there *is* a way to do just that. (Turns to look
STEWIE: (Rolling his eyes) Oh, for *Benedict Arnold*'s sake, Splicer---not *that* bit
again! I mean, that villainous plot cliche's been so overdone that it's almost as old as
that asinine "two places at once" schtick... besides, my ripped-off-copy of the
Histeria time machine's still under repairs after those cretins had Superboy destroy it
that last time.... * (* - actually, in "A Very Wakko Thanksgiving".
LISA: (Flatly) Thank you, Mr. Past-Story-Continuity. (Sighs) Oh, well, I suppose there
are some things that science shouldn't meddle with anyway...
SPLICER: (Stares at Stewie, who shrugs) Um....there *are*? New one on *me*....
(And as the addition of yet *another* character to this thing via the cliched
time-travel-resurrection technique pioneered in "Toons and Doom" is narrowly
averted, let's cut back to that lair of terror otherwise known to the FCC as KWCD-TV, the
L.A. area's sole home of the "Miss Cleo Fortune-Tellin' New Year's Eve" special.
Cut to the interior, where we see Billie's almost finished with what looks like five
seperate test tubes full of some sort of fluid...)
BILLIE: (Eyeing one of the test tubes) Oh, *wonderful*! If this cure works like I think
it will, it'll reverse the mutagenic process, and---oh, it'll just give me back Pinky!
BRUCE: (Wiping his forehead) Great. And these four tubes contain one dose of antidote
for each of those guys, right? (Billie nods)(Pointing to the other test tube, which seems
to have various modifications, a trigger, and a handle built onto it) But what's with the
other test tube?
BILLIE: *That* is just in case we run into Mr. Lecter, or anyone else that little
brat's sent after us. It's a modification of Eggy's catalytic immobilizer formula--in my
case, I modified the delivery mechanism so that instead of wasting the whole thing in one
full blast, I've got multiple blasts available to fire with. And hopefully, it'll stop Mr.
Lecter cold in his tracks. (Muttering) Though a freeze *ray* device would be so much
better than a chemical-payload-relying one, I guess beggars couldn't be choosy...um, don't
tell Eggy I said that. (To Bruce) Come on....we've gotta get going!
BRUCE: But what about the others?
BILLIE: I'm sure they'll be fine----as long as they can reach Stewie and shut off any
more of his plans at the *source*! C'mon....
(Cut to a short time later, as we see Bruce and Billie exit the facility; Billie is for
some reason wearing various "battle fatigue" clothes a la Sigourney Weaver in
"Aliens", and has the catalytic immobilizer strapped to her back. Bruce carries
the various antidote doses...)
BRUCE: (Seeing Billie's new outfit) Erm..what's with the getup?
BILLIE: Oh, this? Apparently the writer's straining himself to make horror/sci-fi
"monster movie" refs. Though I'd have to use this thing on *him* if he thinks of
giving me a "Weaver-in-'Aliens'" "hairdo".....
BRUCE: (Flatly) *Erm...yeah*....
(The twosome exit, as we cut back to the rest of the Heroes, led by Yakko, who's still
dressed like Fred from "Scooby Doo")
YAKKO: Hmm....maybe his lair's over.... (grabs a doorknob) *HERE*! (Opens it; a few
brooms fall out of a closet)
SLAPPY: Great work, Sherlock. Now can we *please*----
(Suddenly, we hear a low growling noise come from nowhere....)
LANKY: Like, I hope that isn't what I *think* it is...
SLAPPY: (Flatly) *Please*. You *know* what it is...*I* know what it is....(points to
Axel) *He* knows what it is....I *think*. (Axel frowns) Let's just get Round Two with one
of those Creature Feature rejects outta the way, OK?
(We see the entire group shake with fear, as the sounds of one of the creatures comes
ever so closer....cut away from this climatic moment, to the "Reservoir Dogs"
guys, who've parked thier car outside the studio. They open the station's main door, go
in, and lock it behind them. Following them in hot pursuit, are the Goodfeathers).
PESTO: All I'm saying is, if GIR distracts him with a dance or somethin' then Zim could
easily defeat Martian Manhunter.
BOBBY: What are ya crazy here? That Martian guy can make himself all non-solid like,
Zim ain't got nothing to handle that.
PESTO: I still think he can take him Bobby.
SQUIT: I hate to interrupt you guys but those rejects from a Tarantino movie just went
BOBBY: Then we're going in after 'em budda-bing.
(They fly downward only to discover that the doors are locked)
PESTO: The freakin' door's locked, now how do we get in?
BOBBY: Easy we go in through the roof here.
(Sure enough, there is a hole in the roof, the Goodfeathers dive into the hole)
PESTO: I thought those goons had sealed off this whole freakin' place....so what da
heck is dis whole doin' here?
BOBBY: Must be a *plot hole*... (rimshot noise is heard)
SQUIT: Good one, Bobby.
PESTO: Erm, yeah....
BOBBY: (Looking around the interior) Yo, you see those guys?
PESTO: Nah I don't see 'em it's like they disappeared over here.
SQUIT: Well where are we exactly?
(Before he can ask another question, Katie rushes by)
PESTO: Hey where's the fire huh?
SQUIT: Hey, that looks like that exploding girl from our show.
BOBBY: You mean the one we're not supposed to talk to about "Wakko's Wish"
because she'll get angry that she didn't get a part in it?
BOBBY: Well let's follow her and see what she's doing here.
(The Goodfeathers fly at top speed and eventually catch up with the frightened Katie).
KATIE: Goodfeathers! Boy am I glad to see someone here that I know.
BOBBY: Yo what's the problem here Katie huh?
KATIE: I can't stop, but let me try to explain. I was kidnapped by this baby with a
football-shaped head, who experimented on me to harness my monster powers. Now he's
exposed the others in here to them and they've transformed into monsters and one is
SQUIT: So just get angry and fight it.
KATIE: I can't, Stewie's geeky aide Splicer injected me with something that keeps me
from transforming. Also there are these two girls down there whose fashion is like so
1992, I mean where do they get there clothes...?
BOBBY: Does this lead somewhere?
KATIE: Actually it does, Stewie has a transporter in that Splicer guy's lab. The second
one is on the 2nd floor, and I think it works both ways. I know the Warners are here, I
want you to find them and tell them to get there and use the transporter to enter Stewie's
base. And hurry, because if he's getting rid of me, I think he may have found others with
BOBBY: Yo forget about it, we'll find the Warners there. Okay Goodfeathers let's go,
and look out for monsters here.
(The birds fly off...)
(Meanwhile in Stewie's underground lair, the evil infant is watching with glee).
STEWIE: (laughing) Oh my I haven't laughed this much, since "A Rugrats
Kwanzaa",(stops and listens to his teddy bear) yes Rupert? Oh my you're right. (He
switches on another monitor, which displays "Frasier"). I almost forgot it was
on, you know I rather like this Niles and Daphne relationship that's going on now.
(Listens) what's that jumped the shark? No I don't think so, I hate who invented that
term. I'd like to find them and feed them to sharks, yes let's see if they'd jump them
(Just then Splicer enters)
SPLICER: I hate to bother you but those idiots want their money.
STEWIE: Those two morons who couldn't get work in "Reservoir Dogs 2"? Tell
them I'll pay them via computer.
SPLICER: Of course.
(Stewie focuses back on the main monitor)
STEWIE: You see Rupert this whole chase is like a game of chess, except I have all the
best, and most dangerous, pieces on my side. Speaking of which (he speaks into a
microphone) Metallo head to A-1 and cut them off. (To Rupert) I like to call that move
"knight takes pawn",... (glances at "Frasier", then laughs). Oh my,
Niles just made light of Roz's promiscuity, oh yes she is such a tramp.
SPLICER: Well they left sir, also King Salazar said we can use his troops for the Final
Confrontation. Except for that Dennis Hopper-like one, we can't trust his
STEWIE: My dear Splicer, we needn't worry, there won't be any quote-unquote "Final
Confrontation" I have those fools right where I want them. If their friends
don't finish them, then Hannibal or the dear Mr. Corben will. Meanwhile offer those two
sisters some Chianti, or a gun from our arsenal, maybe one banned by the Brady Bill.
(Suddenly he laughs again).
BUDDY: Ah, so you feel that the torment of those who ruined my career is quite humorous
STEWIE: Well yes it is, but I was laughing at Eddie the dog, who embarrassed Frasier
yet again, ha ha ha ha.
TV ANNOUNCER: (Interrupting the "Frasier" broadcast) We interrupt this
broadcast to bring you a special one-year-anniversary special: "The XFL: How Green
Was My Gridiron?" (Cut to various imagery of Governor Jesse "the Body"
Ventura grimacing for the camera, and equally inane XFL tidbits from that
mercifully-killed short-lived football league...).
STEWIE: *Blasted sweeps month ratings stunts*! (Pounds his fist) Oh, very well---I'm
sure those cretins are on the verge of being destroyed right this minute---LET'S WATCH!
(they all turn to the monitor...)
(Cut back to the heroes the heroes, who for some reason are in various positions around
the pile of meat...)
SLAPPY: Yep, a pile of meat. Sounds like something unoriginal, pathetic, and typically
lame that those guys would pull.
SLAPPY: No, those hack "writers" of ours. Ranks up there with "let's
have every freakin' extra in this thing curse like some flippin' sailor because it seems
so cool and 'adult'". So what's the plan?
YAKKO: Well, Axel will lure the monsters to the meat, where we'll drop this giant net
on them from above. (Pan back to see that Yakko, oh-so-amusingly enough is standing on the
ceiling, with Dot and the rest on the floor....)
DOT: Now, now, don't grumble...remember, the sooner you lure those beasties here, the
sooner we can get them back to normal---and the sooner this whole story will be over.
AXEL: Oh, *fine*.....
(Cut to Axel down the hallway...)
AXEL: Hello? Beast-thingies? Um, it's your old pal Axel here.... (hears nothing; grows
upset) Hmph...not working. Time to use the tactics my wisened Uncle Arthur once used for
us kids... (yells loudly) HEY, YOU! GET YOUR (BLEEP)S DOWN HERE IF YOU WANT SOME
(Suddenly, we see all four of the creatures stampede towards the Cursing One...he
screams, and begins running. "Scooby Doo"-like chase music is heard in the
background. He runs past the net, where the creatures follow him under. Suddenly, the net
is dropped, ensnaring all the creatures.)
YAKKO: Hey....we did it!
(But not for long---they tear through the net easily, devour all the meat in one fell
swoop, and begin moving in towards the heroes)
LANKY: ZOINKS! I'll say....we've *doomed* ourselves! (Panics) Oh, what'll we do
(The creatures move closer and closer, as all the heroes begin quaking with fear....as
the music hits a dramatic chord....)
BILLIE: (VO) Hey! Leave 'em all alone!
(The creatures all turn around, and eye....Billie, standing there with her catalytic
immobilizer. With her is Bruce...)
BILLIE: (Nervous) OK, I don't want to have to use this, because...eh....um.... (sees a
creature resembling Pinky; whispers) *Pinky*....
BRUCE: (Sees Billie temporarily freeze) Hmph... better do something fast.... Billie,
BILLIE: (Still distracted) Huh?
BRUCE: Their feet----*Freeze their feet*!
BILLIE: OH, right... (She aims the immobilizer at the creatures' various feet, bolting
their feet to the floor in a block of ice.... while briefly immobilized, Bruce leaps on
the creatures' backs, and motions for the others to do the same...we see the heroes, each
handed an antidote vial, force-feed the creatures the doses. Suddenly, the creatures all
begin to shake, and the heroes leap off....we see them slowly begin to transform back
BRAIN: (Grasping the side of his head) Wha---uh....*where am I*?! (rubs his temples)
All I remember is something about a drawn-out, pointless disco-music-laden chase
WAKKO: I just remember eating a lot....
PINKY: Um....I think I drooled a lot. Or I might just do that on my own already. NARF!
BILLIE: (Runs over to Pinky) Oh, *PINKY*! I'm so glad you're *OK*! (Sees Brain)
OH...and you to, Eggy... (coughs)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Nice to see all of you, too... (sees his feet encased in ice) Now would
someone *please* explain what happened?
(As the explanation continues, we see Stewie pound his fist into the chair rest in his
STEWIE: *BLAST*! That female rodent's reverted them back to their usual
SPLICER: So, what'll we do now?
STEWIE: (Into his cell phone) Metallo?! Stewie...get Hannibal, and return to my lair at
*once*! We've got Final Confrontation---repeat, Final Confrontation to prepare
for! (Hangs up) Looks as if we'll have to prepare for a possible Final Confrontation
after all... and of course, accounting for the still-out-there-somewhere Katie Ka-Boom.
(Cut to Katie, who's still trapped in the mass of corridors of the building)
KATIE: I wish I knew my way around here, (turns around) But at least whatever was
chasing me is gone. I'd better keep trying to find the Warners, or I'll never get out of
(Meanwhile those ever lovable Italian stereotypes are continuing their flight through
PESTO: What's the deal? We've been flying for like five minutes and we ain't found them
BOBBY: Hey this is a big place, besides it ain't like we can just bump into them huh?
(Suddenly they crash into a solid object)
AXEL: What the--?! (looks down) What the (bleep) are a bunch of (bleep)in pigeons doing
in this place? (Holds them up to the others in the group) These ex-costars-of-yours
rats-with-wings just ran into me.
WAKKO: What are they doing here?
DOT: Probably trying to get a free handout.
(Now the pigeons have regained consciousness)
BOBBY: Budda-bing what happened here? (he looks upward) Mama Mia! The Warners!
YAKKO: Hey guys, what brings you here?
BOBBY: Let me explain...
WAKKO: This isn't gonna take long is it?
YAKKO: Ehhhhh better get the popcorn.
(Cut to a title card reading "five minutes later"...the Warners and Slappy
yawn, while Axel and Bruce are asleep).
BOBBY: ...So then anyway we met up with that exploding girl, and she told us to find
youse and tell youse that there's another transporter on the second floor.
SQUIT: Did we mention the car driving by in the field?
BRAIN: Please stop the "Lord of The Rings" references...besides, Pinky and I
haven't seen yet.
PINKY: (Imitating Frodo) Oooh, lookit me---I'm a hobbit Brain, ZORT!
BRAIN: (sighs) Why do I even try?
JOAN: Where is Katie?
SQUIT: Beats us, she was behind us, so I guess she's still there.
YAKKO: Well gang let's see if we can find her---we'll need everyone we can for the
Final Confrontation (dramatic music plays).
WAKKO: Faboo! (he goes over to the still-asleep Axel, and tickles him)
AXEL: (Muttering) Yeah, that's good, keep doing that baby, that's right...
WAKKO: Uh Axel?
(Axel opens his eyes to see Wakko's face, and screams)
AXEL: AHHHHH! What the (bleep) do you think you were doin', ya (bleep)in' freak?!
YAKKO: Good, he's up, now we can get going?
DOT: Just a minute... (she is clinging to Bruce) Can't we let him sleep a little
longer? Then there'd be more time for *us* to be together.... (sighs)
YAKKO: Wakko, the crowbar.
(Cut to Katie, who's wandering around the corridors...)
KATIE: (Annoyed) This stupid story's dragged on for so long, and yet I've hardly gotten
the chance to do *anything* besides run around and scream in fright, like every
stereotypical teenaged female in those stupid horror movies....better get to that brat's
lair quick, so I can regain my oh-so-temperamental usual transforming abilities and go
back to *normal*.
VOICE: I can help you with *that*...
KATIE: Getting my powers back?
VOICE: No, getting to Stewie's lair.
KATIE: Gee, thanks, I....*waitaminute*, who said *that*?!
VOICE: (Steps out) Oh, *me*. (We see it's Metallo...)
KATIE: Great. Look, Terminator-gone-Brit, I'm tired....you're tired.....no need to
fight. Like, can't we all just, um, get along or some junk? (Metallo says nothing) Um,
guess not? (Metallo grabs Katie, and hoists the protesting teen over his shoulder. He,
along with Hannibal, walk back to the lair, with Hannibal doing that lick-lipping thing in
Katie's face, making her scream with fright...)
(Meanwhile, cut back to the gargantuan cast of characters, who consist of, if you've
forgotten: The Warners, the lab mice, Slappy, Axel Foley, Samantha, Joan Jett, Bruce
Springsteen, the Goodfeathers, Mr. Grant, Lanky, and various KWCD staff members....erm,
save for *one*: the janitor. Yakko and Dot are still dressed like Fred and Daphne from
DOT: Gee, wonder where the janitor went off to?
BRAIN: (Flatly) Probably to join a group with fewer members than this one....like the
*United States Army*....now, then, to find the entrance to the villains' lair...
PINKY: Um, Brain?
BRAIN: Not now, Pinky....let's see....the entrance won't be easy to find, even with the
map the others found...that brat's surely hidden his lair well.
BRAIN: (Annoyed) Oh, what is *it*?
PINKY: Um...couldn't we use *that* thingy? (Points to what we see is a transporter pad,
as mentioned earlier.)
BRAIN: (Surprised) *Oh*.... (clears his throat) Well, I suppose if you want to do it
the *easy* way...
(Cut to several moments later; *everyone* is crowded onto the pad, in an uncomfortable
manner. Billie and Brain are seen going over the various controls...)
MR. GRANT: Hmph....how come I didn't know this was installed here?
LANKY: Must be those guys who said they were "installing a phone booth for the
BRAIN: (Pressing a few buttons) Likely another one of Stewie's various fronts....
(Finshes button-punching) There....now, hold still, everybody....
BILLIE: (Examining the transporter a bit) Wonder who that kid ripped this off of....way
too advanced for someone like *him*....
PINKY: Maybe he bought it at a fire sale at---
(Pinky's words get cut off, as everyone is teleported into..... Stewie's lair. We see
Stewie, along with Hannibal, Metallo, Splicer, Lisa, Lisa's sister, the hired
"Reservoir Dogs" thugs, and the various miscellaneous old Warner foes are all
present. Katie's in a chair, bound and gagged.)
PINKY: ---- K-Mart? POIT! (Sees the foes) Um....perhaps not?
STEWIE: (Evilly grinning) *Well*, it appears we do have *company*. And quite a *large*
gathering, too.... I hope all of you are prepared to meet your *MAKERS*! (Whips out his
ray gun, and begins firing; everybody scatters) Everyone---*AFTER THEM*!
BRAIN: (Running from a ray gun blast, with the other two mice in close clip) Hmm...it
appears Stewie isn't wasting any time in beginning this Final Confrontation...
BILLIE: Yeah...isn't there some sorta rule about the baddies having to give some sort
of a long-winded speech about their evil plans? (Narrowly dodges a blast) Hmph...guess
not. (Realize she's still carrying the catalytic immobilizer on her back) Hmm.... Eggy,
Pinks....come on---I've gotta plan. (They scatter off....)
(Cut to Axel, Samantha, Bruce, Joan, Mr. Grant, and Lanky, who're facing off against P.
Diddy, Lisa, her sister, and the "Reservoir Dogs" thugs....)
AXEL: OK, all of you (bleep)ers....this congressman's sick of facing off in these Final
(bleep)in' Confrontation things.....I just want to get this (bleep) over with!
LISA: (Evil grin, to Axel) *Really*, now? (Laughs sinsiterly)
AXEL: (Gulps) Erm....yeah. You got a problem with that?
LISA: Why, *no*.... I'll make it quick---and PAINFUL!
JOAN: Oh, brother...come on, Bruce, Sam, let's take 'em out.
(Before Axel, Mr. Grant, or Lanky can say anything, we see various "Powerpuff
Girls"-esque fight-scene montages of the threesome leaping through the air towards
the goons; we see various rapid shots of Joan laying a punch on Lisa and her sis, Bruce
doing a flying kick on P. Diddy and one of the thugs, and Samantha body-slamming the
AXEL: (Shocked at the singing-stars' fight moves) Erm...oooookaaayyy....
JOAN: Tie 'em up.... (Mr. Grant, Lanky and Axel do so... cut to Slappy, who's facing
off against Splicer)
SPLICER: Hmm...I could use someone like you in my madcap, zany experiments in science
gone awry. Say the word and I'll be able to transplant your brain into the body of Britney
Spears. Imagine---the brains of a great entertainer with the body of someone who's age
(eyeing Slappy) appparently isn't in triple-digits yet....
SLAPPY: Uh...huh. Lemme make you an offer, bub: you pass out in fright, and I won't
waste my dynamite on your pathetic nerdy self. OK?
SPLICER: (Pauses, then cowers on the floor with fear) DON'T HURT ME! PLEASE! DON'T
WANNA GO BOOM! (Sobs)
PESTO: Hey, how come ya didn't blow 'em to kingdom come?
SLAPPY: Sorry...it's a recession pal. Explosives don't come cheap. Especially on Social
SQUIT: Ya see, Pesto? Frugal....
PESTO: (Mishearing Squit) What did you call me?!
SQUIT: Um, all I said was Slappy was "frugal"....
PESTO: Are you sayin' that I'm some sorta brass instrument, here ta play
"Taps" on by some freakin' Boy Scout?! Is *that* what you're sayin?!
SQUIT: Er, no, I just said "frugal."
PESTO: (Boils over) OK, THAT'S IT! (Begins fighting with Squit; Bobby shakes his head
at this) I'LL GIVE YA "TAPS" TO THA HEAD, YA FREAKIN'....
SLAPPY: (Watching this, and chuckles) Now *that*'s.... a mean upper hook.
(Pan over to the Warners, facing off against their old foes)
YAKKO: Awww, just like old times.
FLAXSEED: Indeed...you're all still horrid children! And we aim to show you the error
of your ways!
YAKKO: Oh, *really*? I.....aaaahhhhhh....
DOT: No line?
YAKKO: Used up all the good material back in Act One. Wakko?
WAKKO: Uh.... "I'll be back"?
DOT: (Offering a line) "Think different?"
YAKKO: Aaaaah, thanks. (Sees the foes approaching) Ya wanna just give 'em the usual?
DOT: (Bored, filing her nails) Sure, why not? Wakko?
WAKKO: (Pulls a rope that appeared from nowhere, but it has no effect) Hey? Where's the
anvils and Sam's Clubs and Puff Daddies and stuff??
DOT: Oh, right....this new show of ours couldn't afford 'em---remember?
YAKKO: *Oh, goody*.
(Just as the foes finally approach, we see a big cold blast hit them...they turn
around, to find that it's Billie and her catalytic immobilizer.)
BILLIE: No prob. (Sees Stewie) And now, to round up the final ringleader--- (pulls the
trigger, but it has no effect) *No*.....
STEWIE: Awww, little mousey ran out of ammo? Don't worry, I've got plenty too... (pulls
the trigger on his ray gun, but nothing happens) Oh, *blast*---I forgot to recharge this
thing earlier! It's used up all of its charge! (Tosses it aside) No matter--- Metallo?
Hannibal? Take them out...
HANNIBAL: With pleasure---who wants to go first? (Licks his lips rapidly)
DOT: *OK*, that licking-lips thing is getting *really* old, *really* fast.... (to the
others) Um, got a plan?
BILLIE: I think so....(whispers to the others)
HANNIBAL: So, how would you all like to be done? I prefer a nice fresh salad with
my---- *pork*. (Eyes Axel)
AXEL: That is *so* not funny.
DOT: Neither was this story...
METALLO: Well, time to die. (Reaches towards them, but suddenly, we see...a blue light
envelop the two thugs. We see them pounding on some sort of blue-colored forcefield,
unable to escape...)
SAMANTHA: Hey...who did that?
BILLIE: (VO) *We* did.... (Pan over to see that the mice are at the transporter's
controls; Brain and Pinky are holding a screwdriver.)
BRAIN: Was a *simple* task for us to rewire the transporter's teleportation confinement
field to emit a crude if effective forcefield....
STEWIE: *How clever*....but it won't do you any *good*! (we see that he's pressed a
button, which reveals an escape rocket with Rupert already in it; hopping in Well, ta-ta.
I'm going now----and once I clear the building, a self-destruct device shall do you all in
three seconds after I escape.
SPLICER: Hey, what about *us*?
STEWIE: Oh, right...well, just try to stand in a door frame, or whatever it is you
Californians do in case of natural disasters. (Presses the ignition) Au revoir!
(However, we see that the rocket doesn't take off at all, but sputters a bit, before
emitting a puff of smoke. Stewie eyes it with dismay, and turns to Rupert, his bear) *You*
did this to me, *didn't you*?!
VOICE: No, *I* did...
(Turns to find it's none other than the station Janitor, holding a missing engine
JANITOR: (sternly) Sorry, this flight's been cancelled.
STEWIE: Oh, *blast*! (The others surround him, with Wakko immobilizing Stewie by
sitting on him)
WAKKO: Look at me, I'm a babysit----
AXEL: Finish that awful line and *die*, puppy-boy.... (Wakko frowns)
BRAIN: It's *over*, you monster. (To Billie) Billie?
BILLIE: Already done, Eggy. (We see she's untied Katie) The antidote that'll restore
your monster-powers is over there on the second shelf....
YAKKO: Welllll, I guess that wraps up *this* mystery, gang....but there's still one
more thing: just *who* is the janitor really?
BRAIN: (Flatly) The....*janitor*?
DOT: Put the clues together, Brain.... (Flashback waves form) The piece of paper with
the map of the facility on it that was stuck to his shoe... the disappearance of him at
several moments in the adventure....and finally, this "disable the engine and give a
smart remark to the bad guy"? There's only one person it can be...Yakko?
(Yakko walks up to the janitor, and pulls on his face, revealing a mask, which is
removed to reveal the janitor's none other than....)
(Sure enough, it's none other than Robin, the Boy Wonder, aka Tim Drake.....)
ROBIN: (Grins) Hey there...
BILLIE: Um, why are *you* here? And where's Batman?
ROBIN: Oh...well, you see, Batman thought it was time I started to learn how to
disguise myself as various other people. Y'know, for missions and stuff. And he got wind
that there was all this illegal government funding going to somewhere out here, and some
stolen transporter equipment, so one thing led to another, and I got sent out here to help
track down what's going on.
DOT: So, why didn't Bats show up himself?
BATMAN: (VO) Actually, I'm here *now*.....
(They all turn around, to find lurking in a shadow is none other than the Dark Knight
himself...the B:TAS music plays)
BATMAN: (Eyeing the foes) Excellent work, Robin....
BRAIN: (Frowning) Hmph...the grim self-styled vigilante known as the Batman....
BATMAN: (Also frowning in a similar manner to Brain's): Hmph...the grim, self-styled
would-be world ruler known as the Brain.
BRAIN: (Flatly) Touche.... (Batman gives a slight smirk at the dig...) Any *other*
surprises I should know about?
BATMAN: Well... I'm also here about the transporter technology. Apparently young Mr.
Griffin stole this technology's blueprints from JLA files he somehow hacked into. (To Mr.
Griffin) You've got much to explain....
STEWIE: Oh, *please*. This from someone who walks around in a ludicrous giant-sized
Bat-costume.... hmm... though I *do* like the cape. Very sinister-looking...maybe I'll
look into getting one for myself... though I wouldn't bother with the dorky sidekick or
BATMAN: (Grabs Stewie by the shirt, hoisting him up) The only thing you'll be wearing
is standard-issue juvenile hall clothing...
STEWIE: You know, I liked your costume a lot better with that yellow shield behind that
bat..makes you look more distinguished...though speaking of costumes, your sidekick looks
like some reject from Santa's workshop in that getup! Oh, and one more thing--- (Whips out
a pen of some sort, and presses a button; Batman knocks it out of his hand, and the pen
emits a laser of some sort. The laser bounces around the room, and towards Bats. He ducks,
dropping the brat, and the laser hits the controls for his main computers. The array
explodes, sending Stewie hurtling back into the transporter pad...he eyes this gleefully)
STEWIE: Ah, of course..my escape! (Presses buttons) So long----I'm off to, well, I'm
not telling *you*.
BATMAN: (Yelling) *NO*! The explosion's shorted out the controls---you'll never---- !
STEWIE: (Rolling his eyes) *Blah, blah, blah*.... *BAT-FINK*!
DOT: Wrong character...
(We see Stewie starts to become teleported, but sparks begin to fly from the control
wiring leading to the transporter...we see Stewie start to scream
"*NOOOOOOOO*...." as he finally vanishes, with the transporter shorting out and
exploding, destroying it...all gasp.)
ROBIN: Batman...where (gulps) is he?
BATMAN: I'm not sure...but I suspect wherever he went, it *isn't* to a good place...
(Cut to much later, as we see the heroes outside the station....the L.A.P.D. are all
hauling the various villains away....we see standing off to the side the various heroes
(and superheroes) supervising this...)
SPLICER: (Annoyed) And I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling
puppy-kids---- (gets prodded by the police officer to move along into the paddywagon; pan
over to Mr. Grant, who's talking to the Warners)
MR. GRANT: (To the Warners) And so, that's why I'm afraid your show can't go on. The
amount we'll be spending in repairs to the station to remove all that brat's stuff alone
will eat up our budget for buying props at Goodwill for the next year and a half....
BRAIN: And with that, also dies our plan of global conquest. Come, Pinky, let's....
SAMANTHA: Hold it... (points upward...) Take a look up there...
(Flying in onto the scene is none other than....)
SUPERMAN: (Carrying something under his arm) Greetings....
PINKY: Hooray! Um... you're kinda late, Superman....we already got the bad guys, NARF!
SUPERMAN: That's not completely why I'm here, Pinky...
BATMAN: I take it this *isn't* a social call?
SUPERMAN: (Eyeing the captured Metallo being loaded into a specially-designed wagon)
Between Metallo and, er, what I have to say, it's not....
BATMAN: Go on...
SUPERMAN: Well....when I was at my Fortress of Solitude, I was running maintenance
checks on my equipment there. And somehow, I found something rather--bizarre.
SUPERMAN: Well, Brain...maybe you should see for yourself. (Sets the device down, which
appears to be....)
BRAIN: If I recall your comics, that would be the Phantom Zone projector, a dimensional
transporter used by the people of Krypton as a means of exiling their most vile criminals
to an dimensional void, instead of resorting to capital punishment. But what does that
have to do with....?
SUPERMAN: Look in the viewfinder... (Brain does so. He's surprised, and bemused, to
find floating around in the Phantom Zone is none other than....)
PINKY: (Eyeing this as well) *STEWIE*?!
SUPERMAN: Let me turn on the microphone.... (does so; we hear Stewie's voice ring out)
STEWIE: *BLAST*! Let me out---whoever you are! What do I look like, Marlon Brando?!
BRAIN: (Looking amused) Erm....it appears the transportation sequence has somehow
beamed him across dimensional boundaries, and into the Phantom Zone....I suppose we'll
have to release him.
SUPERMAN: I suppose so... (presses the button to do so, but the projector sputters and
doesn't do anything)
BRAIN: That's odd...
SUPERMAN: Hmm... (uses his super-vision to glance towards the direction of the sun) And
I can see why. Sudden increase in sunspot activity is generating electromagnetic
interference. Always manages to short out the projector.
JOAN: Any idea when the interference will end?
SUPERMAN: Hard to say. Could be weeks...or even *months*.
STEWIE: (Overhearing this through the microphone) *MONTHS*?! GAAAAH!
(Cut to moments later, after conversing with the Rhode Island juvenile board via
BATMAN: Hmm... interesting news. It would appear that the judge says that Stewie can
serve out the remainder of his sentence in the zone....
SUPERMAN: (Sensing a catch) But?
BATMAN: But he wishes for the sentence to be served alongside someone who might help
give him guidance... someone who also is having a few "legal problems" with the
BILLIE: (Looking amused) You don't mean....?
SUPERMAN: And after examining the machine, since it appears we can still put people
*into* the Phantom Zone while the sunspot electromagnetic interference is in place....
(Cut to some time later....we see Stewie, in his ghost-like "phantom" state
is floating there looking annoyed....)
STEWIE: Well, I suppose things can't get much worse....
PETER: (VO) Um...hey, Stewie. (Inane laugh)
STEWIE: What th---? (TUrns to find it *is* Peter, the "Family Guy" father,
floating alongside him, also in the usual PZ "phantom" state) Oh, *BLOODY*
NO!!!! THOSE CRETINS!
PETER: (laughs) Oooh, *cretins*....y'know, I just *love* cretins. Especially at Red
STEWIE: Oh, that's *CRUSTACEANS*, you *IDIOT*! (Screams; cut to the group, listening to
this over the microphone) YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, ALL OF YOU! I'LL BE BACK FOR *ALL* OF YOU!
ESPECIALLY THE BRAIN! I'LL BEEEE BAAAAA---wait, why am I doing that echo effect? I'm not
being blown over the horizon and vanishing from sight. (Shrugs; continues)
BAAAAAACCCCKKKK---oh, for *Pete's sake*, you imbecle---I *don't* want to play
"piggy-back ride"! (Superman turns down the sound; all [save for Batman, who
emits a grin] laugh heartily at this)
SUPERMAN: Well, I suppose that takes care of Stewie....
PINKY: For *now*... I mean, what if he comes back?
SUPERMAN: Hmmm...well, I'm sure you'll take care of him as you usually do. Repeat
villains are pretty par for the course for superheroes, so trust me, I *know* how tiresome
it can be. Anyway, I'd better get going.... (to Batman) See you at next week's JLA
BATMAN: Of course...
ROBIN: Can I come?
BATMAN: Sorry...adults only.
(The Warners immediately surround Batman...)
DOT: (Leaping into Bats' arms) Soooo, Bats---have you dumped Catwoman yet? I'm still
available....and more than willing to dress up in a Bat-costume, if it makes you happy.
(Sticks on a Bat-mask over her head) See?
BATMAN: (Putting her down) Sorry...not interested.
YAKKO: If you *have* dumped Catwoman----can I have her number? (Wiggles his eyebrows,
and makes a growling noise)
BATMAN: (Smirking) Of course... prisoneer #3729683.
YAKKO: Aaaaaaahhhhh....must be one of those newfangled area codes.
WAKKO: Say, Batman....do you remember that "Scooby Doo" episode you and Robin
BATMAN: (Flatly) I suppose...
WAKKO: And how at the end, after the adventure was over, you gave Shaggy and Scooby
BATMAN: Your point being...?
WAKKO: (Licking his lips) Welll....I was wondering if you still carried any around on
you. I'm *hungry*!
YAKKO: Oooh, I'd like some cookies, too!
DOT: Me, three!
PINKY: Cookies?! Oooh, can I have some, too? NARF!
BATMAN: Sorry, but I don't carry such things around with me anymore. I'm a *serious*
superhero... and there's no way I'd...I'd... (sees all of them staring at him longingly,
like, well, children) (Groans a bit; we see him pull off a bag off of his utility belt,
and set it on the ground) Er.... "emergency food rations". In case I....was
stranded somewhere and had to do without any food for awhile.
(The group excitedly opens the bag, and tears through it)
DOT: (Holding up a Bat-shaped cookie) "Emergency food rations" that are
chocolate chip, huh?
WAKKO: (Holding up his own cookie) Oooh, *thin mint*!
PINKY: Ooooooh, I got *shortbread*, HAHAHA, NARF!
WARNERS, PINKY: THANK YOU, BATMAN! (They begin to dig in)
BATMAN: Erm, yes. And don't tell anyone.
DOT: And ruin your oh-so-cool dark and grim image by letting the world know you
like---hold on, I'll speak up for Slappy way over there--- CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?!
BATMAN: (Flatly) Very well, then. Come, Robin and Superman, let's...get going.
(The entire group disbands, and we see them all head off for various directions...)
SUPERMAN: (Raising an eyebrow) "Thin Mints"?
BATMAN: For Robin. I prefer chocolate chip.
(Pan over to the rest of the group....)
YAKKO: So, a Final Confrontation where it *didn't* get resolved by the bad guy
being blown to Kingdom Come, but instead is served an actual punishment so he can actually
pay for what he's done.
SLAPPY: Yeah----talk about yer cruddy ways ta end a story! (Axel rolls his eyes at
DOT: Now what guys? We're unemployed again. What'll we do tomorrow night?
YAKKO: The same thing we do *every* night, Dot...try to *find employment*!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) Oh, now *that's* uncalled for.
DOT: So? Your show's been cancelled... we aren't stealing anything.
BRAIN: But we *are* still using that line....
BILLIE: (Looking on her laptop) At least 857 times *since* it was cancelled, matter of
SQUIT: Actually, I think they *can* use those lines. It's not plagarism, right Pesto?
PESTO: WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' PLAGARISM? DO I LOOK LIKE SOME FREAKIN' GRAFFITI ARTIST?
SQUIT: That's *vandalism*, Pesto!
(They all start arguing, as everyone walks off into the distance, with the pigeons
breaking out into a fight cloud...)
LANKY: Like, these Bat-cookies are so totally *boss*! (Tosses one up into his mouth,
but Wakko reaches out and eats it) Hey!
WAKKO: (Munching and swallows) Sorry....I guess I'm still hungry.
LANKY: Like, I guess we could stop off for food somewhere---I'm starving too! I haven't
eaten for...30 minutes!
BILLIE: Talk about two peas in a pod....
LANKY: Like, even those metaphors are makin' me hungry. (Seeing Wakko eat another
bat-cookie) But like, it'll be nice to chow down with a puppy-like-kid named....
WAKKO: (Talking like Scooby Doo) Wakko-wakko-dooooooooo..... (Hiccups) Sorry.... the
cookies made me do it.
(The group continues to walk off, and as the final orchestra chords begin to strike, we
cut to...the by-now-traditional "Final Fates" tally.)
ANNOUNCER: (Waking up) Whoa...this thing's *over* already? It's actually *short* for
once... wishing I hadn't taken that Nyquil. (Groggy) Anyway....(yawning) Here's the final
fates, or whatever, of the guys in this thingamajig:
- The WARNERS returned to their water tower, their hopes of an "Animaniacs"
revivial sadly dashed. They continue to search for extra work, and are in talks with the
"Los Angeles Times" as possible newspaper editors-in-chief...or if that doesn't
work out, newspaper carriers.
- The LAB MICE returned to New York City's ACME Labs, in order to once more try to take
over the world.
- SLAPPY SQUIRREL returned to Burbank, hoping that a replacement voice is eventually
found for Beanie Bison.
- AXEL FOLEY returned to Washington, D.C., to catch up on paperwork and deal with the
hassles of starting a re-election campaign for this fall's House elections.
- BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN and JOAN JETT returned to Joan's house, to try to come up with new
songs...meanwhile, P. DIDDY, now apparently willing to work for bad guys, managed to evade
any and all jail time by blaming his assistant for his misdeeds. He'll be back with his
next album (contains 22% new material).
- DR. GENE SPLICER was sent to the Acme Acres Penitentary, biding his time until he
- LISA and HER SISTER were sent to a maximum security women's prison in California,
awaiting the chance to either make parole or escape (whichever comes first) so they can go
after Axel Foley again.
- The VARIOUS OLD WARNER VILLAINS were all sentenced to 80 hours of community service,
picking up trash alongside highways.
- LANKY, MR. GRANT, and the rest of the KWCD STAFF managed to parlay the publicity from
this story into starting various monster-movie/TV show related programs, billing
themselves as "The Terror-Laden Station". LANKY is considering getting together
with three of his friends and his dog and touring the country in a van without any clear,
discernable source of income or destination intended, solving mysteries like the one in
- HANNIBAL was returned to his maximum-security, solitary-confinement prison cell. He
awaits his chance for revenge on the various characters who've bested him, and feels bad
about missing the chance to have "Wakkorotti and cheese".
- The TWO RESERVOIR DOG GUYS are in the process of, as soon as they get parole from
prison, trying to work out their own darkish-yet-comedic film noir-type of movie. They're
trying to write the script in between sessions of breaking rocks.
- The GOODFEATHERS returned to their park, awaiting the chance to make another
appearance in a story someday...Pesto and Squit are still fighting over the
- BATMAN, ROBIN and SUPERMAN returned to Gotham City and Metropolis, respectively.
Superman awaits the next inevitable fanfic cameo, and has returned the Phantom Zone
projector to his Arctic Fortress of Solitude.
- ANYONE ELSE I MISSED.....ah, to heck with them. I'm just glad this stupid thing's
over... (Announcer gets jabbed in the side by what looks like Lydia Karaoke's elbow) Oh,
right... as for SAMANTHA, KATIE and STEWIE:
(Cut to Samantha's house. She's chatting with Katie, who's come over for dinner. Ted
Nugent's "Cat Scratch Fever" is playing on the radio)
SAMANTHA: Darling, we kicked (bleep)!
KATIE: You mean, the collective we.
SAMANTHA: Yes, but still, to be part of such an adventure is great. Hannibal's locked
up, Splicer's in the hole...now, I can relax! Care for some lasagna?
KATIE: Sure! Also, I'll take some ground sausage, some Italian bread and another can of
SAMANTHA: Katie, I'd kill for your metabolism!
KATIE: It's nothing, really. Exercise and the occasional explosion are all you need.
SAMANTHA: Speaking of which, scope these out!
KATIE: (Looking at Samantha's hand) Whoa, two tickets to the Ted Nugent concert!
SAMANTHA AND KATIE: Kick(bleep)! (Singing) "Cat Scratch Fever!"
(Cut to Joan Jett's apartment. She and Bruce are talking, too)
BRUCE: So, are the Warners always like this?
JOAN: They are, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Waitaminute! Concert idea! You,
me and somebody from Connecticut...we do a U.S tour as the Tri-State Titans!
BRUCE: This is good, but who do we know in Connecticut?
JOAN: We'll figure it out! Let's try out that song.
BRUCE: "The world out there/It used to be so zany/Now it's still crazy/But in a
different way/We need to laugh all we can/At the pain and the problems/Only then, will
there be a better day"...
JOAN: "Will they survive in a world of ruins?/Cliches and problems all across the
board/Living at the edge of fanboy's overrun imagination"
BRUCE AND JOAN: "Help us, oh help us, Good Lord/It's so difficult to smile, yet we
must for a small while"
BRUCE: "To keep our sanity and minds intact"
JOAN: "Once you smile, then you are free/Face down the misery"
BRUCE: "And there's no way you're ever looking back"
JOAN: You know, it might not be a good cartoon theme, but I like it.
(And finally, we cut to the main villain of our story, Stewie, who with his father from
"Family Guy", is seen floating around still inside the Phantom Zone...)
STEWIE: Blast this Phantom Zone! Mark my words---I *WILL* escape, and unite these
Kyrptonian criminals to destroy my enemies!
PETER: (Inane laugh) My little boy said "enemies". Can you say daddy, daddy?
STEWIE: (Annoyed greatly) Silence, fat man before I bring unholy death upon you...
PETER: Ooooohhh, *someone* needs a *change* (he grabs him, and whips out a
McDonald's bib from behind his back) Sorry---this is the closest I could find to a
diaper when Lois told me six days ago to buy some and it, like totally slipped my mind.
STEWIE: (Yelling) I don't *need* a change, you lummox!
PETER: Hmm.... well, there's always---(whips off his shirt) *towel snapping*! (Starts
to crack his shirt like a locker-room towel towards Stewie's direction) Eh? Eh? Better
start running there, Stewie--- (inane laugh)
STEWIE: (Still yelling) AAAAHHHHH! *NO*! BLAST IT ALL!!! CURSE YOU WARNERRRRRRRSSSSS!
(As towel-cracking-sounds and Stewie's drawn-out yell are heard, we hear the final
orchestra notes strike up, signalling....)
Yakko, Pinky, Brad: Rob Paulsen
Dot, Billie, Lisa: Tress MacNeille
Wakko: Jess Harnell
Brain: Maurice LaMarche
Slappy: Sherri Stoner
Stewie & Peter Griffin: Seth MacFarlane
Mr. Grant: James Avery
Katie Ka-boom: Laura Mooney
Metallo: Malcolm McDowell
Lanky: Casey Kasem
Lydia Karaoke: Nora Dunn
Samantha Malden: Kathleen Turner
Nora: Nancy McKeon
The Cab Driver: David Johansen
P. Diddy: Tim Meadows
Joan Jett: Herself
Bruce Springsteen: Himself
Dr. Gene Splicer: Jeff Altman
Hannibal Lecter: Anthony Hopkins
Mr. Indigo: Mark McKinney
Mr. Teal: Kevin McDonald
Flaxseed/Capt Mel: Jeff Bennett
Ivan Blowski: George Dzundza
King Salazar: Paxton Whitehead
Umlatt: Christopher Guest
Buddy/Janitor (pre-real-identity-revelation)/WB announcer: Jim Cummings
Superman: Tim Daley
Batman: Kevin Conroy
Robin: Matthew Valencia
All "Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain", "Tiny Toon
Adventures", and "Histeria" characters/related elements are © 2001 by
Warner Bros., used without permission.
Superman, Batman, Robin, Superboy, the Phantom Zone, and related elements are
© 2001 by DC Comics, used without permission.
Axel Foley © Paramount Studios, used without permission.
Hannibal Lecter, "Silence of the Lambs", "Hannibal" and related
elements © Orion Pictures and MGM, used without permission.
Stewie Griffin and other "Family Guy" related elements/characters
© 2001 by Fox.
"Reservoir Dogs" created by Quentin Tarantino.