|Radio Free Warners
By: Captain Caps, Craig, Brainatra
Story idea by: Captain Caps
[We fade in on the Warner lot. The background music is an instrumental version of
"Breaking Point" by Eric Clapton. We see the usual movie stars who've appeared
in so many episodes of A! wandering the lot, and the sun rising over the offices of
Thaddeus Plotz. As we pan in, we see Plotz talking on the phone.]
PLOTZ: (Ecstatic) Oh, boy, what a sweet deal! 200 new P*kemon episodes are on the way
to this studio! Thanks so much, the check's in the mail, and please don't reverse the
[Plotz hangs up.]
PLOTZ: With all these new P*kemon episodes on the way, It's more money for me! That
reminds me...We'll be cutting promos tomorrow, so I have to notify the employees!
[Cut to the water tower at around 2:00 PM. Yakko and Wakko are riding around on the
gigantic train set, while Dot is watching an episode of "Moonlighting". We hear
a knock at the door, then Plotz's voice.]
PLOTZ: (Off-screen) Anybody home?
[Dot gets off the couch.]
DOT: Rats! Just when it was getting to the good part! I might as well see who it is!
[Dot walks to the door, opens the shield and sees Mr. Plotz.]
PLOTZ: Hi, Dot!
DOT: Oh, hi! What are you doing here?
PLOTZ: I have a delivery for all of you that's so special, that I had to bring it to
DOT: Will I like it?
PLOTZ: You'll love it! Here you go! Have a good day!
[Plotz closes the door, then climbs down the tower laughing.]
DOT: Yakko, Wakko, we got a package!
[Yakko and Wakko run up.]
YAKKO and WAKKO: MWAH! Goodnight, Everybody!
DOT: No, seriously! This is a package that's so important that Mr. Plotz gave it to us
WAKKO: Is it coupons for free McDonalds Food?
YAKKO: A big bundle of million dollar bills?
DOT: Let's open it and find out!
[Dot opens the package, and out falls a script.]
DOT: It's a script!
YAKKO: Hey, guys! You've heard the rumors that they'll be making new episodes of
WAKKO: No! Really?
YAKKO: Indeed! I accidentally intercepted a memo that said we'll be going to back to
work very soon!
DOT: I'm opening the script now! Let's hope it'll be good!
[Dot opens the script, then moans.]
DOT: Oh, no!
DOT: It's another bundle of lame P*kemon promos!
YAKKO: Let me see!
[Yakko glances at the script.]
YAKKO: Great! They'll be using the recycled footage of us singing in unison, but
they'll attach crudely animated dreadlocks to our heads, and then have us singing a reggae
song where the only lines are "P*ke-Mon! It's on 8 times every day, mon"!
[Fade to several hours later. Dot removes a pizza from the oven, and cuts it up.]
YAKKO: They never even asked for our input!
DOT: (Bringing the pizza to the table) DUH! Of course they haven't! They didn't in the
past, so why start now?
WAKKO: Hey! Could you guys be quiet? I'm watching a movie!
[We cut to the TV, where we see Christian Slater in the movie "Pump Up The
Volume". He's ranting and cursing profusely.]
DOT: Wow! Christian Slater is almost as bad in the cursing department as Axel Foley!
Guess he has no other way to express himself that doesn't involve earning an "R"
YAKKO: (A light bulb goes off above his head, then Wakko proceeds to eat it) [Oh, yay!
Another overused gag] That's it! Since the top brass won't listen to us, we'll have to do
it the hard way!
DOT: How's that?
YAKKO: We'll start our own pirate radio station!
[Wakko spins around, and we see him in a buccaneer costume.]
YAKKO: No! Not that! We broadcast off and on at any time we please! We can air our
problems against the execs out, and we can work off a lot of anger!
WAKKO: Isn't this illegal?
YAKKO: Sometimes, to change the world, you have to challenge it!
[Cut to the Warners walking down the street...they seem to be in search of something.]
DOT: Um, Yakko?
YAKKO: [Leering at Helen Hunt walking past, for no particular reason] Um...what?
DOT: About this "pirate radio station" idea...for one thing, where are we
going to set up and broadcast this thing from? Some off-shore oil rig? A basement of
someone's house? From under an interstate overpass?
YAKKO: Aaaactually, I'm not sure...
[The group comes to a stop, as they see standing in front of them none other than the
Cursing One himself, Axel Foley; he's standing behind a table, running some sort of
"three card monte" game.]
AXEL: OK, step right up and win a [bleep]in' prize already! C'mon, it's perfectly
legal! [Staccato laugh]
[The Warners walk up to him.]
YAKKO: Axel? What are *you* doin' here?!
AXEL: [Whispering] I'm workin' undercover...tryin' to bust a group of street mimes
who've been pickpocketin' everyone here in L.A.! [Points towards a group of mimes down the
street] Not sure how soon I can capture the [bleep]ers, though...
WAKKO: Oh, pshaw! There's nothing to it! Watch!
[Wakko sneaks up behind the group of mimes, who're about to pickpocket Helen Hunt's
purse...Wakko pulls that "two places at once" bit on them, causing them to emit
a silent scream, while Yakko pulls on a rope that suddenly appears. Several anvils come
down on their heads, *hard*. The mimes are out for the count.]
AXEL: [Surprised/Annoyed] Um....oookayyyy....well, I guess that ends *my* [bleep]in'
reason for bein' here...back to Detroit, I guess...
DOT: [Annoyed] I guess the author had to get that pointless gag in early on...but
anyway, Axel, we're trying to start up a pirate broadcast radio station!
AXEL: Hey! That's [bleep]in' illegal! Y'know, I could have you all busted up for that
with the [bleep]in' FCC...
YAKKO: But there's a good *reason* we're starting one up! It's our chance for not only
us, but everyone else to air their grievances with the way things are run in Hollywood and
the broadcast media as a whole! Aren't you annoyed by what Fox has done to your
"P.J.'s" show, Axel?
AXEL: Well...yeah...I guess I *am* kind of annoyed...
DOT: And wouldn't you love the chance to *really* tell the world what you think,
*without* having to bring on the apocalypse to do so?
AXEL: Well...I suppose...aw, [bleep], I'm in!
YAKKO: Great! Now then, any ideas where we should set up our pirate broadcast station
AXEL: Don't worry, leave that to me! [Laughs; the Warners eye each other with
[We cut to what appears to be an abandoned, run-down building on the bad side of L.A.
It's a radio station; the calling letters are 'K-ACME'. As Axel and the Warners approach,
the 'C' falls off the sign, and the huge letter falls right over Wakko, leaving him
standing in the center hole.]
YAKKO: Eeeeehhhhhh...are you sure this place is the *BEST* we can do?
AXEL: (Bleep)in' sure! The ACME Company founded this station awhile back, to use as a
lame excuse to advertise their products 24 hours a day, with occasional songs/talk shows
interspersed, all of which were themed to promote their product as well, of course. But
the (bleep)s failed miserably--the only calls they got were complaints from that
(bleep)in' Coyote...an' since he couldn't even talk, it didn't make for much (bleep)in'
DOT: Well, then, let's go on in.
[Axel pulls his gun and kicks down the door. As they enter, we see the inside: even
more of a wreck than the outside. Papers thrown everywhere, desks overturned, wall paint
peeling. We see a group of pirates throwing bottles at each other. One duels another. He
sends his sword flying for the guy's heart, but the other pirate grabs a swivel chair and
uses it to catch the sword before hit can it him, then throws it away.]
DOT: Pirates. Oye. I think we have this story's annoying running gag...
AXEL: I (bleep)in' hope not! But at any rate, let's show these (bleep)s who's boss! I'm
gonna get LAPD on their (bleep)s! [Grabs a rope that's conveniently hanging nearby and
swings into the fray gallantly. He grabs a pirate's sword and lets himself off on the
ground in front of the desk at the head of the room. There, we see a Captain Hook-ish
pirate sitting with a bird on his shoulder - it's Pesto, wearing an eye patch and pirate's
hat, as well as a fake peg leg.]
PESTO: 'Ey! Dis is degradin' over here! Mama Mia, the stuff I do for a few bucks
HOOK: Well, your Godpigeon was going to take the part, but after his Royal Fatness sat
on my shoulder, I was in the hospital for three weeks...now stay in character, you winged
AXEL: Have at you, ya (bleep)in' varlet! [Puts the tip of his sword a fraction of an
inch away from Hook's face.]
HOOK: Touché. [Gets up on the desk, as does Foley. They both start dueling on top of
the desk. Really tense, dramatic stuff. Very riveting. Pesto screams Italian
YAKKO: Nooot baaad!
DOT: [Referring to Axel] Yeah! A girl could really go for a suave rogue like that...
[Hook knocks Axel's sword out of his hand and backs him into a window.]
AXEL: Oh, (bleep)! (Bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), *(BLEEP)*!!!
DOT: [In shock at his language.] Er...or not.
WAKKO: Wow, that's the most gratuitous use of the word "(bleep)" I've ever
YAKKO: Now, don't you start that too!
DOT: [Pulls out a bar of soap] Yeah, don't make me use this!
WAKKO: Aw, I've still got a bad taste in my mouth from the last time I said
"Uranus"! [Hiccups, and a soap bubble, comes out.]
[Meanwhile, back to Axel & the Captain.]
HOOK: So long, Foley. Have a nice trip, see you next fall!
AXEL: Oh, great. A humiliating defeat and a bad tagline to boot. This isn't my day...
[Hook brings his sword flying up and swipes at Axel. Axel falls over backwards, off the
desk and out the window.]
AXEL: [Falling] Ah,
[He smashes down on top of a beat-up looking 1950 Peugeot.] Oh, my back...my (bleep)in'
back... [Someone steps out of the car. It's Lt. Columbo of the LAPD, wearing his usual
trenchcoat and smoking his Stogie.]
COLUMBO: Sir...I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you in for disturbing the peas.
AXEL: Disturbing the peace?! I fell out of a (bleep)in' window! What's the (bleep)in'
charge for falling out of a (bleep)in' moving car, jaywalking?!
COLUMBO: No, no, I said disturbing the peas. My partner was trying to eat a can of peas
when you came smashing down on our car. [Point inside; we see Dog sitting there,
whimpering, and peas splattered all over the car.]
AXEL: Listen, I've got other things to attend to! If you'll just (bleep)in' let me get
goin'... [Begins to walk off.]
COLUMBO: You know, you should really do something about that foul mouth...
AXEL: [Shoving him aside.] Right...
COLUMBO: People are funny that way. I've met people who couldn't go two words without
uttering an expletive...I--
AXEL: (Bleep) off!
COLUMBO: Now me personally, I rarely curse...I don't see what the point of it is, when
a clean word could just as easily convey any given emotion...
AXEL: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
COLUMBO: Of course my wife--you should meet her sometime, *GREAT* cook--she says--
AXEL: COULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF ME (BLEEP)IN' BACK?!
COLUMBO: Er, just one more thing... [Axel slugs him and storms off.] Not a terribly
[Back inside the K-ACME broadcast tower, we see the Warners.]
YAKKO: Well, it looks like it's up to us to defeat these pirates!
DOT: Oh, no! Not that! Anything but that!
YAKKO: 'Fraid so. We must use...the "two places at once" gag!
WAKKO & DOT: NO! NO! NO!
YAKKO: Hey! The "two places at once" gag adds boring, repetitive play with
time-and-space in what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining fanfic!
[The three walk up to Hook.]
YAKKO: [Sly, to us.] Our new special friend.
HOOK: Out of my way, horrid bests, or I'll cut you down where you stand!
WAKKO: Well, it'd be hard to cut us down where we *DON'T* stand...
DOT: Dumber than advertised!
HOOK: Grr! That's it! [Chops them in half. However, the two parts each grow into a new
Warners--now there are two of each.]
WAKKO: Faboo! Just like earthworms!
DOT: Or those brooms in 'Fantasia'!
YAKKO: No more D*sney refs, please It's bad enough we've got tall, dark, and
metal-handed over here...
[Hook repeats the process several more times, resulting in more and more Warners. Soon
there are hundreds.]
HOOK: YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Throws himself out the window. Pesto
jumps off his shoulder and flies off muttering names of expensive Italian dishes. The
Warners--all of 'em--turn to the other pirates, who scream and run out the door. Axel
reenters, and the Warners all merge in to the three again.]
YAKKO: Well, the station's all ours now!
DOT: Yeah, but it's seen better days...I dunno if it'll even broadcast anymore...
[Walks outside and gives the building a little tap. The whole tower falls over, nearly
AXEL: Then we'll need a new (bleep)in' tower! But where to get one...
YAKKO: Wait, I know where! Someone who has all the parts to build one, and isn't using
them at the moment...I'm sure he'd be glad to donate them...
[Cut to the Los Angeles ACME Labs branch, where inside...]
YAKKO: ...and so, if you'd be willing to donate some of the lab's transmitting
equipment, we'd be easily able to get on the air!
BRAIN: Why should I help you obnoxious puppy-children? Besides, your goals and my
current plans for world domination have nothing in common!
DOT: Um, what plan would that be, Brain?
BRAIN: [Sinister background music playing] In tonight's plan, we shall start up our own
television talk show...by pandering to low-brow "Springer"-esque viewers, we
shall rise to a position of power even higher in stature than that of Howard Stern
DOT: Um...how about making it a *radio* talk show? Then you could still help us, *and*
take over the world! [Muttering] ...and *that*'ll be the day...
BRAIN: Hmm...you do have a point there...plus, we wouldn't have to compete against the
combined might of both reruns of "Star Trek:The Next Generation" *and* that
wretched P*k*mon program...very well, you have our help!
YAKKO: Great! Meet us at this address! Come on, sibs...let's roll!
[The Warners and Axel leave the lab...cut to the mice.]
PINKY: Ooh, Brain, does this mean we'll get to attract all sorts of low-brow listeners,
people calling in on cell phones when they should be paying attention to driving, and
people with bizarre anti-government views?
BRAIN: *YES*! With such easily-swayed listeners at our disposal, this plan *won't*
PINKY: Unless ratings aren't up to par...or the FCC cracks down on it being an illegal
"pirate" radio station...
BILLIE: [Walking over to PatB]...or we get crushed competition-wise by NPR...*or* that
annoying Dr. Laura woman...
BRAIN: Don't be ridiculous! With our talents, we'll be sure to garner the listeners we
need! [Glances over at Pinky, who's managed to get his head stuck in a test tube]
...*especially* the typical AM talk radio crowd. Now come, let us be off for the K-ACME
PINKY: [Finally getting his head unstuck] But Brain, doesn't FCC regulations require
that we only have 4 call letters at best?
BRAIN: Well, yes...but since we're a *pirate* radio station, it doesn't matter in this
PINKY: Ooooh, does this mean we get to dress up in neat pirate clothes and say all
sorts of tired piraty-type phrases? [Pirate voice] Avast, ye scurvy...uh....lack of
vitamin C intake? POIT!
BRAIN: [Sighs] Cease this nonsense at once, and let us depart...
[Fade from the lab, and to the K-ACME building, much later...we see that a new
transmitting tower has been set up; the building itself looks like it's undergone some
amount of repairs.]
[Fade to inside, where we see the Warners standing around near a microphone; Axel is
wearing headphones and at a control board, while the mice stand near a giant switch.]
YAKKO: Is everything ready, guys?
AXEL: [Bleep]in' yeah!
DOT: [Rolling her eyes] Are all those stupid pirates gone?
AXEL: Um...[Looks behind him to see that one pirate still lags; Axel uses a clipboard
lying nearby to hit him in the face. The pirate staggers backwards, through an open door,
and falls down a flight of stairs.] Pirates all gone!
YAKKO: Great...is the transmitting tower ready?
BRAIN: Yes, it is...and attuned to a frequency that will allow us to broadcast over the
YAKKO: Great! Now then, throw the switch, and let us begin...the BATTLE FOR THE
BRAIN: [Sighs] Please don't recycle my own dialogue...
[The mice throw the switch...we see the transmission tower light up, and begin
YAKKO: And K-ACME radio is *on* *the* *air*!
WAKKO: So, what's our first broadcast gonna be?
YAKKO: [Uncharacteristically excited] Oooo! 'Yakkin' with Yakko'! 'Yakkin' with Yakko'!
BRAIN: Oh, very well
after all, it is a rather catchy title, if nothing else
WAKKO: [Unhappy] What's wrong with 'Whackin' with Wakko'?
I'm not touching that one
at any rate, I *AM* the mouth of the
DOT: I thought *Axel* was... (Axel frowns)
BRAIN: Are all systems go, Axel? Pinky?
[Hits a big, shiny red button.]
YAKKO: Grrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeetings, sportsfans! You're listening to 'Yakkin' with Yakko'
on K-ACME, and I'm your host, Yakko Warner! [Silence.] Eh-hem. [Motions at Dot.]
DOT: Oh, right! [Grabs a can that's sitting next to her. Opens it and out
comesyou guessed itcanned applause!]
YAKKO: You're too kind! We'll take our first caller! [Brain connects the line. The
caller speaks in Rob Paulsen's typical nerd voice.]
hi, is this 'Yakkin' with Yakko'?
YAKKO: If it isn't, my agent is worse than I thought!
AXEL: [Whispering] How the (bleep) did we get a caller?
BRAIN: [Whispering] Actually, we just pulled some bum off the street and paid him to
[Points down the street to some loser on the corner talking in a pay phone.]
CALLER: Yeah, well, um
I was wondering, 'k
um, do you give out advice
guys who call in?
YAKKO: Sure, "advice" is my middle name! All the kids made fun of me in
CALLER: Um, sure, 'k, um, gee, er, um, so
um, there's this girl I really like,
I sorta wanna get her to like me
YAKKO: Well, than, why don't'cha get a job instead of spending your life calling stupid
radio talk shows? [More canned laughter.] Just kidding. My method to getting girls is
easy, and fun: just jump into her arms, give her a huge smooch, and howl,
CALLER: 'K, thanks! Bye! [Hangs up.]
YAKKO: Yup, that's my method
'course, it's never worked yet, but
canned laughter.] Stay tuned! Next up, we've got an emerging young talent, your friend and
his, Mr. Wakko Warner!!! [Canned applause.]
[Touching music starts swelling up in the B.G. score, namely "Danny Boy."
Wakko begins belching along.]
BRAIN: [Disgusted] Who let him on?!
DOT: Hey, don't complainafter all, *YOUR* vocal talent provides Wakko's belches!
BRAIN: Don't remind me
I'd disown him if he didn't have such nice, soothing dulcet
[Wakko finishes his song, and some typical cheesy-sounding vocalists come up singing
the "K-ACME" radio tag.]
PINKY: [Announcing; reading from a cue card, with his speech sounding *VERY* stinted,
almost Shatner-esque.] And now, watch out, Howard Stern. The new King of Curses, Prince of
Putdowns, and Duke of
[Squinting to make out the card] Dashiki
[Brain motions Pinky to just move on.]
Mr. AXEL FOLEY!!! [Canned Applause.]
AXEL: Alright, callers, prepare to be verbally abused!
this might've been a mistake
AXEL: [Into the mike]Hey there, you crazy talk radio listenin' [bleep]in' Americans!
It's your old pal Axel Foley here, ready to discuss the bitin' issues of the day! [Turns
around towards the approaching Wakko, whose teeth look as if they're about to bite the
Cursing One's rear end] [Whispering, to Wakko] I didn't mean it literally, of course!
[Back to the microphone] OK, today's topic is...uh...
[Looks around nervously, until seeing a copy of "Newsbleak" lying on the
table with the headline "Corporate Mergers"]
AXEL: Uh..."corporate mergers", yeah, that's the ticket! Given our
"unique" format, we'd like to hear what y'all think of all these [bleep]in'
mergers that've been happenin' lately, like that AOL and Time-Warner thing! What the
[bleep]'s up with that?! What do those two [bleep]in' people have in common?!? C'mon,
America, give me a buzz at 1-800-AXEL-CHAT! [Stacatto laugh]
BRAIN: [Whispering] Who let Axel pick our station's 800 number?
BILLIE: [Whispering] It was either that, or "1-800-POKEMON"...[Shudders]
[The switchboard, amazingly enough, lights up...Yakko flips a switch.]
AXEL: OK, caller, you're on! Tell me, what's your thoughts on all 'a this?
CALLER: Um...yeah, hi...I'm Bob from Indianapolis...first time caller....really like
this "pirate" broadcast thing, by the way...but anyway, I was just thinking,
since kids have all that time for recess and all, and since schools have trouble funding
themselves, I was thinking, y'know, let the little kids work during recess by putting
together some merchandise. Maybe some of those P*k*mon stuff, since they like that so
much...besides, they're young, and have nimble fingers and all, and it's not like child
labor's *that* bad a thing...hello? Hello?
[Pan over to see that Axel, and the others in the room, are in shock.]
AXEL: [Inhales, calming himself down.] Umm......[Goes beserk] WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT, YA CRAZY [BLEEP]?! [BLEEP]IN' SCHOOLS HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT WORRYIN'
ABOUT HAVING THEIR KIDS WORKIN' LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A [BLEEP]IN' CHARLES DICKENS NOVEL!
WHAT'S YOUR [BLEEP]IN' PROBLEM, YA [BLEEP]? NOT ENOUGH AUTO RACES OR [BLEEP]IN' CORN
INTAKE OUT THERE IN [BLEEP]IN' INDY? I OUGHTA COME DOWN THERE AND SHOW YOU WHAT SCHOOLS
REALLY [BLEEP]IN' NEED, YA [BLEEP]...YA [BLEEP]IN' KNOW WHAT I'M [BLEEP]IN' SAYIN'?!?
[Sounds of the caller screaming can be heard, followed by the phone hanging up...the
others in the room cheer.]
YAKKO: Whoa...nice way ta tell off that loser, Axel!
AXEL: [Laughs] Thanks, Yakko...hey, we've got more callers! [Picks up a call] Go ahead,
CALLER: My name's Mary, from Springfield, Oregon, and I agree with what you just said!
That caller's way too typical for talk radio, and I'm glad to find there's finally a
station that hasn't lost it like that Dr. Laura woman has! Thanks, Axel! I'm recommending
K-ACME to *all* my friends!
AXEL: Thank *you* Mary! Don't forget, that station's name is...[Hits a button, the
"K-ACME" vocal jingle plays] OK, more calls...remember, we're talkin' about
corporate mergers this hour! And comin' up next hour, it's...uh...[glances at a few cards]
"Brain Storming with the Brain"! Followed by, uh..."Cute Talk with
Dot", some music, and "Yakkin' with Yakko"! [Yakko cheers silently] All
*today* on America's newest station, K-ACME! We'll be right back, after this time-fillin'
musical interlude! [Hits a button, and "Wakko's America" begins playing.]
YAKKO: This is great! All the switchboard lights are still lit up! This K-ACME idea's
really catchin' on!
BRAIN: YES! And soon, the world will be mine, thanks to the miracle of talk radio!
Hmm...Pinky, Billie, go down to the Kinko's on the corner...I believe we'll need some
bumper stickers and extra-large T-shirts with the station's logo on them to give away as a
PINKY: Oooh, great idea, Brain! *NARF*! [Pinky and Billie leave.]
DOT: Wow...we're actually *popular*...but I'm kind of worried about this "pirate
radio" thing backfiring and something terrible happening to us!
YAKKO: Don't worry...what could happen? We're just flying in the face of multiple
reams worth of federal regulations *and* grabbing audience share away from big media
conglomerates! What could *possibly* go wrong?
[Fade away from this scene, and to a montage showing the station's growth in
popularity...a rock version of the A! theme begins playing. We see swirling towards the
camera a copy of "Hacker's Monthly" with the cover reading
"K-ACME...pirates' dream come true!"...a swirling-towards-the-camera copy of
"Gathers No Moss" magazine reads "K-ACME...America's #1 Pirate Radio
Station and Last Source of Decent Radio", with a picture of Wakko belching into the
microphone...cut to shots of a group of teens listening to the station in Tulsa, Oklahoma;
a group of people listening to "Yakkin' With Yakko" at work in Boston; a group
of elderly people blushing over Axel's swearing in Phoenix [yet still continue listening
out of morbid curiosity], and finally, we fade to a shot of "Billbored" magazine
displaying K-ACME as beating out "Radio Disney" and several other stations in
[Cut away from this, and fade to an ominous-looking gathering of media execs in an
unknown-location hideaway...we see gathered there Thaddeus Plotz, radio "shock
jock" Howard Stern, radio "advice"-giver Dr. Laura, and a Radio Disney
executive. All look irate....Dr. Laura speaks:]
DR. LAURA: Hello, everyone...I've called you all here to do something about this
abomination to our nation's radio airwaves, K-ACME! [Holds up a photo of the station's
staff] This affront to decent morals is assaulting our children's ears and minds! As a
decent, moral person, I must put a stop to this at once!
PLOTZ: Agreed! K-ACME's cutting into our radio station's ratings! Even airing
audio-only versions of P*k*mon episodes isn't working!
RADIO D*SNEY EXEC: Agreed, Plotz...our ratings have taken a nose dive, as well! These
people must be stopped!
STERN: I agree...those [bleep]s should learn who's the #1 off-color guy on the air, not
that [bleep]in' Axel Foley fellow!
DR. LAURA: Then it's settled...those "pirates" will soon take their last
broadcast "voyage"...when my plan to sabotage their station is implemented
thanks to the help of my...*LARGE, VOLUNTEER HELP NINJA-THUG FAN BASE*!
[Dum-dum-duuuummmm...] Soon, bland corporate-backed radio will dominate the airwaves...AOL
and Warner Brothers shall promote their wares...and *I* can expand my moralistic media
rule *FOREVER*! [All begin laughing sinisterly, as thunder crashes...]
[Fade from this, and to the FCC headquarters in Washington, D.C....we see a pair of
agents, looking stoic, stand before someone who resembles Zed from _MiB:The Series_...]
BOSS: This *K-ACME* must be shut down! I want you two to go to Los Angeles and put a
stop to these pirate broadcasters before we lose complete control of the nation's
AGENT #1: But sir, how do we shut them down?
AGENT #2: Good question...
BOSS: I don't care...destroy their transmitter, blow up that foul mouthed DJ they have,
*kidnap* one of the staff members if you have to...but *I want them shut DOWN*! [Pounds
his fist on his desk; the agents nod, and leave the room]
AGENT #2: Robert, any ideas what to do?
AGENT #1: Not sure, Paul...but that "kidnap a cast member" idea isn't such a
bad idea...[whips out a photo of the K-ACME staff] Perhaps one of the short, furry
individuals in this picture will comply...[The two smirk at each other, then go back to
[Fade back to the station, where we see Yakko talking into the microphone]
YAKKO: ....Ooohh-kaaay, great idea, caller, but can I tell you why changing the
nation's clocks to "metric time" won't work?
CALLER: Um...why's that?
YAKKO: Because you're an *idiot*...next caller! [Punches a button; Slappy's voice
SLAPPY: [Sounding clear-voiced] Hey, you guys...how about lettin' *me* be a part of
this station shindig? I've got more entertainment experience than all of you put together!
Plus, I'd like ta give those corporate execs a piece of my mind, heh...
YAKKO: Aaaaaaah....[looks at the others, who all shrug] Sure, why not?
YAKKO: How soon can you be here?
SLAPPY: Right here, baggy pants! [All turn around to find Slappy standing there; all,
including the Warners, scream.]
SLAPPY: Heh, heh...*finally*...it feels great ta get the drop on you stupid kids for
that dumb gag!
DOT: [panting heavily/annoyed] Um...*yeah*...
SLAPPY: So, when do I get ta go on this wireless thing here?
VOICE: [From off-screen] *NEVER*!
[All turn around, and find standing there a large horde of goons...standing in the
middle is Dr. Laura herself.]
DR. LAURA: Greetings, you fools! You've cut into my show's ratings long enough...now,
prepare to meet your final sign-off, thanks to the help of my...VOLUNTEER NINJA-THUG FAN
BASE! [Dum-dum-duuuummmm] Ha hahahha!
BILLIE: [Annoyed] Dr. *Laura*?! Ugh...lady, I've got a few words ta say about that show
of yours...[looks at the thugs] But I guess they'll have to wait! [Gulps]
DOT: Ugh...another pointless fight scene...*another* annoying running gag...at least
they aren't pirates, though...
YAKKO: I think Brainatra just wants a new running gag other than that "two places
at once" bit to start usin'...
DOT: I guess I should be *slightly* relieved, then...
DR. LAURA: Soon, my brand of moral, high quality radio and my partners' corporate
material shall remain on the airwaves...prepare to perish, you "pirates"! Ha!
[Dr. Laura vanishes in a teleporter-like effect, leaving her ninja-thug fanbase to go up
against the Heroes]
BRAIN: [Sighing] Very well...let's get this over with!
[Each hero takes on a separate goon...cut to Yakko and his thug, a woman whipping
around a pair of nunchucks.]
YAKKO: Say, lady, where's the kids? In day care?
THUG: Dr. Laura says that day care's an immoral, corruptive institution, and a sign of
YAKKO: Aaaaah, in that case, then, if your husband's presumably working right this
minute, then where're the kids?
THUG: [Gasps] Oh, no...they're just coming home from school...all *ALONE*! [Begins
running for the exit] Billy! Mary! Don't worry...I'll be there to microwave your
after-school popcorn for you! [Exits]
YAKKO: That was...nonviolent.
[Cut to Wakko and his thug...]
THUG: Prepare to die, you anti-Second-Amendment media figure!
WAKKO: Anti-Second-Amendment?! Don't be ridiculous...I *love* the right to bear arms,
and use it all the time!
[To demonstrate, Wakko whips out his mallet, and lets the thug have it...the thug looks
worse for wear.]
THUG: [Sounding pained] Yeah....gotcha....urggg....[Passes out.]
[Cut to Dot and her thug...Dot appears to be talking to the goon...]
DOT: ...and see, even despite the choice of working outside the home, a lot of women
these days don't have a choice! What with stagnant wages since the 1970's and all forcing
both parents to work for their survival, and such...not to mention that even in the 50's,
plenty of women worked outside the home!
THUG: Gee...perhaps you're right...maybe Dr. Laura has it all wrong...
YAKKO: [Walking over] Hey, Dot...what's going on? Shouldn't you be using some tired
repetitive gag to defeat him?!
DOT: Aw, come on, Yakko...I'm just trying to give this thing some *variety*...you know,
YAKKO: *Dot*....you know how these tired, repetitive fights *work*...
DOT: [Sighs] Oh, very well...so much for me having a socially relevant moment,
here...[Deadpan voice, to the thug] Look behind you...
THUG: Um...where? [Looks behind him, to find Dot standing there, looking *very*
bored...the thug screams, and runs from the room...]
DOT: *There*...are you *happy*?!
YAKKO: Aaaaaah...guess so!
WAKKO: I know I am!
DOT: [Annoyed] Great...then can we help the rest of these guys defeat the other goons,
already, and end this pointless fight scene?
YAKKO: Aaaah....[looks at Slappy, Axel, and the mice] It looks like they're handling
things pretty well without our help!
[Cut to Slappy, who's facing off against one of the remaining goons...]
SLAPPY: Ehhh, I came here ta tell off those lousy flippin' megaconglomerate execs, not
get into another dumb pointless fight scene! Aaahhh, I'm gettin' too old for
this...*here*! [Tosses a bomb at her assailant, who goes BOOM!, then passes out. Slappy
chuckles a bit, then goes over to the Warners to sit down and have a diet walnut cola...]
[Cut to Axel and his volunteer ninja-thug Dr. Laura fan...]
AXEL: OK, ya lousy [bleep]! Let's get it *on*!
THUG: Um...sure thing! Especially since you criticized my "Labor 4 Kids in
School" idea I proposed! And you probably don't like Dr. Laura's intelligent idea for
banning all medieval and Renaissance-era artwork...all those nude paintings and all are a
bad influence on the children, you know!
AXEL: Waitaminute...that crazy [bleep]in' caller was *YOU*?! Now that ya had the guts
ta show up, I'll show you who's *really* [bleep]in' concerned for the kids! Take this, and
that, and *that*, ya lousy art-hatin' [bleep]in' [bleep]! [A fight cloud breaks out
between the two...cut away from Axel, and to the mice...they're holding what looks like a
transistor radio towards their ninja-thug goon.]
THUG: Prepare to perish, you anti-capitalist, mega-merger-hating pirate
radio-broadcasting, biased liberal media...uh...short guys!
BILLIE: And prepare for *this*, you yutz! [Pauses] Did I just sound a bit like Slappy,
there, guys? [Pinky and Brain nod...from off-screen, we hear Slappy yell,
"HEY!"] Anyway...hit it, guys!
[Pinky turns on the radio....from its speaker, we hear blaring...]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...more on the AOL-Time-Warner merger in a moment, but first, a look
at African-American actors of the late 20th century, an in-depth analysis of several art
exhibits at the Chicago Art Institute, and a look back at the history of Charles
"Chuck" Jones' animated efforts, coming up next, on NPR's "All Things
THUG: *YAAAARGHHH*! [Covers his ears] Must...avoid...quality...*RADIO*!
Must...avoid...NPR! Too...much...actual...*information*! [Runs out the room, screaming.]
BRAIN: Hmph...imbecile. [Turns off the radio.]
DOT: [Walking over to the mice] Nice job, guys...guess there shouldn't be another
pointless ninja-thug fight scene for awhile...er, is Axel done fighting his thug yet?
[Pan over to see that Axel's almost finished the "job" of knocking the
stuffing out of his foe...he has him in a head lock.]
AXEL: OK, ya crazy Dr. Laura lovin' [bleep]! Say "uncle"! Say *Man* from
THUG: *OK*, *OK*, "uncle"! "Uncle"! I give up! Just let me *go*!
YAKKO: [Walking over] Sure thing, but first...tell us *why* Dr. Laura sent you and that
horde over here!
[As the volunteer thug explains, we pan over to a corner of the room, where we see two
shadow-ensconsed figures...they seem to be the two FCC agents seen earlier.]
AGENT #1: Ready?
AGENT #2: Ready as I'll ever be...though I have a few doubts as to *why* the boss
decided to have us swipe one of the staff members and bring 'em back to headquarters...
AGENT #1: Why ask why? The boss seems to know what he's doing...well, letting the
networks have that new digital broadcast spectrum for free instead of chargin' em a bunch
of cash and earnin' a mint *aside*...but anyway, let's go!
[The two figures begin creeping over towards the group, where the thug's finished his
explanation of Dr. Laura and the others' evil scheme...]
YAKKO: So *that*'s it?! Ugh...if those guys have *their* way, there'll never be any
decent radio *again*...the airwaves'll be dominated by "Radio D*sney*",
cookie-cutter top 40 and Howard Stern!
DOT: [Shudders] ...guess we'd better do something, then...but *what*?
PINKY: Um...gather a massive number of characters and engage Dr. Laura in a Final
Confrontation at some point? *Wahahaha*!
[Brain is about to whap Pinky on the head, but suddenly, a hand reaches forward and
grabs him...we see the hand belongs to one of the FCC agents. The others gasp.]
BILLIE: *HEY*! Who're you?! More Dr. Laura fans?!
AGENT #1: No, ma'am...we're from the FCC...we're here to shut you down. It's over.
YAKKO: Aaaaah, I don't think so. It's *not* over.
AGENT #2: I'm afraid it is. This station violates multiple FCC broadcasting
statutes...the number of call letters in your station's name *alone* is reason enough to
shut you down!
PINKY: See, what'd I tell you, Brain? *TROZ*!
YAKKO: Still, I think you should let our friend go, and head back to Washington...we're
*not* giving up without a fight! The status of quality broadcast radio at the hands of the
likes of Dr. Laura and Radio D*sney are at stake!
AGENT #1: Very well, then, but don't say we warned you...
YAKKO: [To his sibs] OK, sibs...you know what to do!
DOT: [Rolling her eyes and gagging] Ugh...well, it beats fighting
Christmas-gift-stealing aliens or D*sney characters, I suppose...[Sighs] let's go!
[Yakko motions for one of the agents to look behind him, which he does, to find
standing there the Warners...Wakko's tongue is hanging out of his mouth, Yakko smiles
broadly, and Dot merely looks bored; she yawns. The agents, however, don't give any type
of reaction. Shoving the Warners out of the way, they exit, with Pinky in tow.]
YAKKO: What the heck?! That's the first time that gag *didn't* work!
SLAPPY: Thank *goodness*... [Axel and Brain murmur in agreement; Yakko frowns at this.]
DOT: Guess what they say about humorless government agents is *true*, after all...
BILLIE: We've got to get Pinky back! Who knows what those government goons are planning
on doing to my Pinky!
YAKKO: Very well...guess it's time to mount a rescue mission! *TO THE K-ACME TRAVEL
WAKKO: We have a travel van?
YAKKO: Sure thing...Axel bought it off those "Channel Umptee-3" guys....it's
not like *they're* using it! [Chuckles a bit, but stops when he sees how worried Billie
looks] Anyway, we'll still be able to broadcast our station, while looking for where those
FCC guys went!
WAKKO: Faboo...but what if Dr. Laura, Plotz, and those Radio D*sney guys try going
after us again?
YAKKO: Don't worry...we'll handle that bridge when we come to it, and speakin' of
shoddy L.A. freeway planning practices...let's hit the road!
[All zip out of the station, and head for the K-ACME remote broadcast van...]
[We cut to the van zooming along a highway. Axel is driving and chronicling for the
audience what's going on. Wakko plays with the van radio system: he flips through several
stations, passing: the song from the P&tB ep "Brain Storm" (There's a storm
a-brewin' somewhere, I think it's in my spleen
), the 'Road Rovers' theme,
"Empty Hollow" head, and finally settling on Fred Spinatra singing "Come
Drive with Me." Dot looks somewhat bored, reading a "Cosmo" magazine, and
Yakko amuses himself with his two paddleballs. Slappy is trying to open a walnut, and
Brain looks out the window worriedly. Billie walks over.]
BILLIE: Are you okay, Eggy?
BRAIN: [Snapping to himself] Yes, yes, I'm fine. I
I just hope Pinky is
BILLIE: Oh, don't worry too much. I'm sure those FCC agents won't hurt him. They're
just using him as bait to get at the rest of us.
BRAIN: [Sighs] I suppose so
still, I don't like knowing that he's out there all
he must be frightened half to death
[Cut to Pinky in the FCC HQ, locked up in a cage next to the agents who captured him.
They're sitting on a couch watching TV shows for approvalthey're watching a
typically bland kids' show with some schmoe dancing around like an idiot, dressed as a
giant cauliflower, singing about nutrition. Pinky is laughing uncontrollably, as the
agents stay as calm and lifeless as ever. Cut back to the van. Yakko sticks his head out
the window. Really neat shot of Yakko's head sticking out of the truck, with a golden-pink
sky at sunset in the B.G., as it zooms down the highway, his eyes closed, his ears
YAKKO: Ah, isn't this the life? Zooming down the highway, the wind blowing through your
ears, the soothing lull of the engine humming in the backdrop
[Suddenly, the engine
starts to fit, making several really loud hacking noises.]
DOT: [Tapping her foot.] The van is in tip-top condition, eh?
YAKKO: Well, I guess that's what I get for buying from some has-been Kids' WB!
SLAPPY: Are we there yet?
WAKKO: Yeah, I've gotta potty!
YAKKO: Oh, great
I knew we shoulda brought his litterbox
AXEL: All you (bleep)s quit your whinin'! Find somethin' to keep yourselves occupied,
or I'll break your (bleep)in' spines! [Axel suddenly realizes that the microphone was
right next to him. We cut to a shot of a family listening to K-ACME, looking horrified,
thinking Axel was talking to the callers.] Er, uh
not you, audience. Uh
those calls comin'
YAKKO: Hey, I've got an idea! Slappy, you've been promising to teach us some new gags
DOT: Yeah! Howabout it, Slappy?
SLAPPY: [Still cracking the nut.] No way, no how. I'm busy. [Turns around. The Warners
are right there. She spins around several times to find them standing there, then pull
back to show them in two places at one.] All right. ALL RIGHT!!! Eh, lesse
here's one I like to call "dealing a dangerous hand"I pulled it
on Jack Warner after he brought the ax down on my cartoons
[Pulls out a deck of
cards.] Pick a card, any card! [The three Warners all grab the same card. They hold it in
front of themselves, each with one hand on it, and look at it curiously.] Is it
Ace of Hearts? [The card suddenly explodes. When the smoke clears, we see the
three, looking rather charred.]
YAKKO: [Holding up what's left of the card.] [Sounding rather battered.] Yup
SLAPPY: Yeah, ya gotta have a fast hand for that one. Heh heh heh
now, this next
one succeeds because it allows you to surprise your foe
Watch closely! [Suddenly,
she whips a mallet out of nowhere, and looks as if she's going to bring it down on the
Warnersall three brace themselves. Suddenly, she stops in mid-swing, and in one
fluid, split-second movement, puts the mallet back behind her back and steps backward,
just as a huge Mack truck zooms through, running over the Warners.]
DOT: [Very singed.] How did you fit a huge a huge Mack truck inside this little van?
SLAPPY: That, my friends, is the art of comedy. And, if you've still got a thing for
stunts that defy the laws of time and space, try this one out: [She looks around, then
points up. The trio looks up at the ceilingor is it? Suddenly, the camera spins
around, revealing that the four are actually standing on the ceiling, and Slappy is
pointing down at the floor. The Warners scream and fall to the floor; Slappy chuckles as
she walks calmly down the wall back to the floor.] So, whaddaya think?
YAKKO: [*VERY* battered, but obviously happy to have some new tricks.] Thanks, Slappy!
WAKKO: Yeah! We owe you one!
DOT: You've been a great help!
SLAPPY: Eh, don't mention it
it's been a pleasure
don't forget to buy my
book, "Slappy Squirrel's Art of Comedy"! I'll bill ya for the lesson
[She walks off laughing; the Warners brush themselves off and run up to Brain; Wakko
pulls out a deck of cards.]
DOT: Pick a card.
BRAIN: [Sighs] Very well
YAKKO: Is it the Ace of Hearts?
BRAIN: [Looks at it.] No. [Holds it up; it's the Instruction Card.]
[The Warners look nervously at each other. The Ace of Hearts, still in the deck, blows
up. When the smoke clears, the Warners are even more charred.]
YAKKO: Ow. I'm not used to *US* being the butt of jokes instead of vice versa
DOT: Yes, this is a new twist
WAKKO: Not to mention painful
[Cut to Yet Another Gratuitous McDonald's Stop, somewhere in Indianapolis...fade
to the gang, eating at a table their usual M*ckey Dee's fare.]
YAKKO: Aaaahhh, any ideas where we should be going, Brain?
BRAIN: Most likely, they've carted Pinky off to FCC headquarters in Washington,
D.C....we'd best head *there* and deal with whatever it is that the FCC's up to!
DOT: Like shutting down the one decent thing on the airwaves today?
YAKKO: Yeah...but how do we stop them from trying to shut us down? Apparently, our old
cartoon gags don't work on those FCC agents...
BRAIN: Thank *heavens* for that...but don't worry. I'm sure Billie and I will come up
DOT: Say, where's Wakko?
[Pan over to outside the restaurant, where we see Axel's making a few repairs to the
K-ACME travel van. We also see Wakko talking to a few pedestrians in the street as part of
his radio show. Suddenly, we see some crabby-faced middle-aged guy wearing an Indianapolis
Colts sweatshirt walk down the street...hes seen shoving some woman with a baby
carriage out of his way, and spits out a wad of chewing gum that lands smack-dab in
someones hair. Wakko wiggles his eyebrows at the camera and says "faboo....a
new special friend!"]
WAKKO: [Holding a microphone out to said guy] Hey, you...I'm with K-ACME, America's #1
pirate radio station! How about taking part in today's "Stupid Cartoon Tricks"
segment for our listeners?
GUY: Um...OK! As long as it isn't that "two places at once" bit *or* getting
yelled at by that Axel-guy of yours! Even though I thought that "breakin your
spines" bit was *great*!
WAKKO: Uh....huh. Er, don't worry...I've got something *better* in store! Ready?
WAKKO: OK! Here goes! [Giggling wildly, Wakko does the "pick a card" trick on
the guy...the guy pulls the Ace of Spades. The deck promptly blows up, leaving the guy
looking worse for wear. Wakko giggles some more...]
WAKKO: Faboo! I've finally pulled that gag off! Now to work on those "Mack
Truck" and "standing on the ceiling" bits!
AXEL: [Closing the hood of the van] Hey, Wakko...kind of hard to do those stunts for a
medium that *isn't* visual, don'tcha think?
WAKKO: [Glancing at his microphone, then it suddenly dawns on him that nobody else has
seen him pull off that gag] Oh...yeah. Well, practice can't hurt!
[Cut back to inside the McDonald's restaurant.]
SLAPPY: Hey, what are we still doin' hanging around here for? I thought the writers
used up all the good McDonald's gags a long time ago! Lousy flippin' bland-tastin'
BRAIN: [Annoyed] Along with all the *bad* gags...
YAKKO: Yeah...we did that "pay toilet break-in" bit already, along with the
"bug the employees", "M*ckey Dees' name bleeped-out" and "bash
the food quality" bits...
DOT: Well, there's still the "see what the McD's-toy-of-the-story" bit to do!
[Yanks out her Happy Meal toy, to see that it's a Dr. Laura Beanie Baby doll. Dot
makes a face...]
DOT: Ugh...it looks like Dr. Laura isn't wasting much time making inroads into
expanding her media rule...[Reads the box] And this box is covered in ads for "Radio
D*sney", to boot! *Annnd*...[Pulls something else out of the box] Just as I thought!
[Holds up an AOL startup CD-ROM disk] The coup de grace...more obnoxious AOL startup disks
being pushed by the Time-Warner guys like no tomorrow!
YAKKO: Ick...well, then, I guess we'd better do something about those media
conglomerate guys later...but first, to *Washington*!
[They dart out of the restaurant, and get into the van...they notice the guy Wakko blew
up earlier, still standing around, looking dazed...]
GUY: Go Colts...all da way to da Super Bowl and win it all! YAAAAH! [Passes out.]
DOT: [Glancing at the guy] The *Colts*...an Indiana-based sports team...winning the
Super Bowl...boy, he really *must* be delirious...what'd ya do to him, Wakko?
WAKKO: That "pick a card" trick...it really *does* work!
DOT: Really? Great...maybe we can use it in the *next* pointless ninja-thug fight scene
instead of a certain beaten-into-the-ground spatial distortion gag...[Glares at her
siblings, who nod in agreement.]
[Axel starts the van, and the group takes off...we see them drive down the road, and
with "Come Drive With Me" playing in the background, we see a montage of the
usual gags seen in these chainlink stories: we see the Warners pull the "pick a
card" and "standing on the ceiling" gags to Axel, more gratuitous
McDonald's stops, and the gang harassing Drew Carey in Cleveland...we soon see the
gang cruise through New York City.]
AXEL: Ah, New York City! The *capital* of east coast broadcast media *and* pirate
YAKKO: Yeah...not that we'd even *be* here if you hadn't made that wrong turn off the
AXEL: Aw, don't worry...what could go wrong here in Guiliani-run New York?
[Suddenly, the van comes to a screeching halt, as we see standing in the middle of the
street a barricade of sorts. Stepping out from behind the barricade is Mayor Rudolph
Guiliani, with several guys in suits...]
[The gang step out of their broadcast van...a large crowd of people, realizing it's the
K-ACME crew, begin cheering. Guiliani, however, doesn't look too pleased.]
GUILIANI: So...you've finally arrived!
WAKKO: So we have!
GUILIANI: I am the mayor of this fine city, and I'm not too pleased about you and your
pirate radio broadcasting! Even if surveys show that 99% of the populace here actually
*like* your station, I still must represent the 1% whose livelihoods are *affected* by
your illegal broadcasts!
YAKKO: AAaaah, who would that 1% be?
[Several people step up...]
GUY: Namely, *us*! We represent various broadcast media names based in New York, and
we're willing to do whatever it takes to keep people like *you* from ruining broadcast
media with your original programming ideas and...so forth!
DOT: [Gasps] Then you guys must be...
GUY: That's right! We're the presidents of NBC, ABC, and CBS respectively! The Big
Three networks have already been hit hard enough between cable, that Fox network, and the
Internet, and we're *not* going to let the likes of *you* ruin things for us further!
Thus, you're our scapegoat of sorts! [The three network heads begin laughing...]
YAKKO: What are you going to do to stop us? Throw bagels and videotaped copies of
"Suddenly Susan" at us?
AXEL: Violate [bleep]in' Bill of Rights amendments and police procedures?
DOT: Forcing us to clean up our act the way you cleaned up Times Square by selling it
WAKKO: Um...that "two places at once" bit? [Dot glares at him] Sorry...we
have new gags now...I forgot...
GUILIANI: *Worse*! We've been working with Dr. Laura, Radio D*sney, and your own parent
company's CEO, Plotz, and thus have gained resources we need to shut you down! Prepare to
meet your doom at the hands of...*NEW YORKER NINJA-THUG MEDIA FANATICS*!
[Dum-dum-duuuummmmm...] Heh, heh...while you get pulverized by these fans of
"Everybody Loves Raymond", Broadway plays, Yankees baseball radio broadcasts,
and so forth, I'll parlay this pointless attack sequence into getting myself elected
senator, while Dr. Laura, Plotz, and the network heads expand their bland media rule! So
long, losers! [Guiliani and the 3 network heads leave...]
DOT: [Moans] *Another* pointless fight scene...oh, well...at least we have some new
gags to use, though...
[From nowhere, a large horde of ninja-thug New Yorkers jump out of nowhere, and begin
to move towards our heroes...]
YAKKO: Well, guess we'd better get started again...
BRAIN: [Sighs] *Indeed*...
[They all take a separate thug...cut to Yakko and his thug.]
THUG: Yo! Youse guys are goin' down! Ain't noway anyone's cuttin' off *my* New York
Knicks radio broadcasts for no stinkin' pirate radio!
YAKKO: Aaaaactually, we wouldn't *dream* of ruining your fanboyish sports fanaticism...
THUG: Um...you wouldn't?
YAKKO: *Noooo*...now those English skills, on the other hand...ever heard of
"adult education", buddy?
THUG: That's it! Now youse is gonna gets it! [The thug steps forward, but Yakko yanks
open a nearby manhole cover, and uses his foot to trip the thug...the thug falls in. We
hear him land, followed by the voice of someone that sounds a lot like the deceased Art
Carney moan, "oooohh...wait'll Ralphie hears about *this* one..."]
YAKKO: One down...a bunch more to go!
[Cut to the mice and their thug...their thug is a guy with glasses, a goatee,
dreadlocks, and a turtleneck sweater. He doesn't look much like the typical ninja-thug at
BRAIN: Ready, Billie?
BRAIN: Then, hit it!
[Billie turns on a radio sitting near the mice...we once again hear NPR blaring from
it. The thug, however, doesn't look that worried. He seems to like it.]
THUG: [*Not* sounding dimwitted] You guys *like* NPR? I love NPR! They broadcast the
New York Metropolitan Opera all the time! And they even mentioned Bernadette Peters a few
times! Oh, oohh...did you ever see that off-Broadway show "Mortgage"? It was
even better than "Rats: the Musical!" ...of course, anything without the touch
of that Albert Floyd Webster hack is *better* than "Rats"...
BRAIN: Of course not! We wouldn't *dream* of running NPR off the air! In fact, our
goal's to *save* decent radio from the likes of that Dr. Laura person!
THUG: Dr. Laura?! [Shudders, then sighs] Listen...let me level with you: I'm a student
filmmaker at NYU, who's shooting a film about senseless political policies and actions.
It's not my fault the rest of these loser thugs I'm with sound like they walked off of
some bad Hollywood rendition of Big Apple denizens! How about this: let me come with you
guys, and I'll shoot the rest of your adventure for my film!
BILLIE: Gee, I dunno....um...do you like McDonald's?
THUG: Not really...I'd rather go eat at Burger King, myself...
BRAIN: [Elated] *YES*! All right, you've got a deal! Just finish filming the rest of
this senseless fight scene, and we'll be on our way! The publicity this film will garner
shall endeavour our conquest of the world!
NO-LONGER-A-THUG: Thanks! Name's Alex, by the way...pleased to meet you! [Alex runs off
to the side, and grabs some of his video equipment from a bag sitting nearby. He turns his
camcorder towards the rest of the gang, still fighting their ninja-thug New Yorker
[Cut to Yakko.]
YAKKO: All right! I've had enough! Good night, Everybody!
[Yakko whips out a mallet, and comes awfully close to smashing it over the thugs'
heads. He stops the mallet in mid-air, and then 5 Mack Trucks run over the thugs.]
YAKKO: These new gags are aces! I love 'em!
[We pan over, where we see 2 of the thugs who escaped. The male thug is wearing a
Notorious B.I.G shirt, a pair of slacks, and some Nike Sneakers. His companion is a female
with big hair, big nails, a blue shirt, a polka-dotted mini-skirt and ballet flats. Their
names are Mikey and Sheryl. They have typical "Noo Yawk" accents.]
MIKEY: Man, I've had ta deal wit' some (bleeps) in my day, but those (bleeping) puppy
children or whatever the (bleep) they are (bleep) me off. They (bleeping) crushed my
friends and now I'm gonna cut them!
SHERYL: (Who sounds like Marisa Tomei) Wait, Mikey! Don't kill them now! Wait until
they leave, then follow them! I'd best advise that we do that now! They're leaving in the
[Mikey and Sheryl run over to a Volvo filled with maces, crowbars, and military
weaponry. We then have a montage, set to the tune of "Let's Go" by Wang Chung,
of the Warners, Axel, Slappy, Billie, The Brain and Alex riding around New York, all the
while pursued by Mikey and Sheryl. We see the Warners toss out free T-shirts and bumper
stickers, a stop at a pizza parlor, Alex getting his things from his dorm, Mikey and
Sheryl making out while driving, and a stop off in New Jersey. The montage ends here, and
we see Alex walking into a university to see his girlfriend Carrie.]
ALEX: Hey, Carrie!
CARRIE: Alex! How are you?
ALEX: I'm doing good! I just wanted to let you know that I'm off on a trip with some
buddies I made in New York! They run a pirate radio station, and they need to save a
friend from some thugs in Washington D.C!
CARRIE: Pirate radio? *D.C.*?! It sounds dangerous! Take me with you!
ALEX: No, you might die!
CARRIE: You might die, also! Let me go with you and we'll die together!
ALEX: All right!
[Alex and Carrie walk out to the van with Carrie's things.]
ALEX: Guys, meet my girlfriend, Carrie!
YAKKO and WAKKO: Hello, nurse!
ALEX: Hey, hey, hey, she's mine!
YAKKO: Oh, rats!
DOT: (Cutely) Tee-Hee!
ALEX: She'll be joining us on our trip!
SLAPPY: Oh, for the love of Friz Freleng, this thing is packed enough as it is!
AXEL: Hey! We need all the (bleeping) help we can get for this thing! Or someone *else*
to take all this (bleep)in abuse for these gags besides me...
[Alex and Carrie get in the van, and they all ride off; cut to Mikey and Sheryl, at
Mayor Guiliani's office at City Hall... we see Carter from "Spin City" standing
outside, talking to someone resembling Michael J. Fox...fade to the interior of
MIKEY: [Still with the stereotypical "Noo Yawk" accent] And that's what
happened, Mayor! Dose losers escaped to somewhere in the city! But don't worry, we'll find
'em if you want us to! That is, for a price...
GUILIANI: Oh, very well...[Sighs, and hands them a large wad of money from a desk
drawer labeled "Senatorial Campaign Contributions", a drawer overflowing with
$100 bills.] Here! This should be enough to cover your expenses...remember, I want those
K-ACME losers stopped cold! Me and my partners, Dr. Laura, Radio D*sney, and Plotz are all
counting on you! The future of my senatorial campaign bid and their brand of
uber-corporate entertainment is at stake!
MIKEY: Any idea where they might be goin'?
GUILIANI: Our sources indicate they're heading to Washington, D.C., no doubt to perform
some type of pirate sabotage involving the FCC headquarters! Yet another reason they must
CHERYL: [Speaking while filing her nails] Yeah, no prob, boss-man! C'mon, let's get
MIKEY: Right! [The two thugs run off to their Volvo, and take off for Washington...]
[The Mayor dials a cell phone, and on the other end, we hear Dr. Laura's voice.]
GUILIANI: Dr. Laura? Yes, it's me...don't worry, we're pretty sure those K-ACME losers
are on their way to D.C....yeah, I've sent a few agents of my own after them, but if *you*
wish to arrange a few special..."guests"...for them once they arrive, no
problem! ...Sure...and thanks for the campaign donation, by the way! ...So long! [Hangs
up, and pushes his fingers together while looking out the window at the city skyline; he
resembles Mr. Burns a bit here. Dramatic music plays.] Excellent...
[Cut to the K-ACME crew, with Carrie and Alex in tow, heading out of New York City and
in the direction of Washington, D.C....]
ALEX: [Panning his camcorder around] This is great, isn't it, Carrie? We get to film
the workings of a real, live pirate radio station crew...just think, I'll win NYU's
student film contest in a cinch!
CARRIE: Um, sure thing, Alex...[Pan over to see that Carrie's trying to shake Yakko and
Wakko off of her. Dot, standing to the side, rolls her eyes.]
DOT: Hmph...*boys*. [Glances over to Alex, and decides to jump into his arms, startling
the young filmmaker.]
ALEX: Um...how about giving me a little space, Miss Dot?
DOT: Oh, but you're so comfortable *and* cute-looking! Not as cute-looking as *me*, of
course, but still adorable!
[Cut to Axel, Slappy, and the two non-kidnapped mice...]
BRAIN: As they say in big media productions, put the pedal to the metal, Axel! We
haven't a moment to lose!
BILLIE: To Washington!
[Axel floors it...we see the van speed off down the highway. The background music plays
a "rock" version of the A! theme song, and we see more of these usual
montage-type of gags: Axel having that "standing on the ceiling"
spatial-distortion bit pulled on him repeatedly by the Warners, several *more*
McDonald's stops, and so forth...finally, we see the van approach Washington, D.C.'s
city limits at nightfall, with appropriate "patriotic" music playing.]
[We see the Warners, mice and Slappy talking to Alex...]
BILLIE: So, Alex, do you think that Dr. Laura and Guiliani are really planning to pull
something in D.C.?
ALEX: No doubt...given Guiliani's desire to get elected at any cost, and that Dr. Laura
woman's stubbornness, they've probably arranged some type of "surprise" for us
once we show up!
DOT: Great...*more* ninja-thugs...
YAKKO: Hey, quit complainin'...we get to use those new gags on 'em, remember?
DOT: [Perking up] Oh, yeah...
AXEL: [From the wheel] Just don't pull any more of them on *me*, ya crazy [bleep]s!
[Rubs his head] I almost wish that squirrel *hadn't* taught 'em some new tricks...
SLAPPY: Heeeey, it was that or goin' bonkers over seein' the Warners pull that same
"two places at once" bit fer the 5,000th time!
AXEL:[Flatly] That's why I said *almost*...[The Warners frown at this remark.]
[We see the van drive through the city, passing the usual landmarks (the Lincoln
Memorial, the White House, etc.)...finally, we see it pulling up in front of a federal
building, namely, the FCC headquarters. It looks rather dark; all the streetlights are
AXEL: We're here! Everybody out! [All disembark, with Alex carrying his camcorder.]
BILLIE: So, now what do we do?
BRAIN: We brace ourselves...there could be any number of traps here for us.
VOICE: [From off-screen] Indeed, Brain...such as *this* one!
[All the streetlights, as well as several floodlights in front of the building, turn
on; we see that the gang is surrounded by various ominous-looking characters, with Dr.
Laura and Plotz standing in front of them.]
PLOTZ: You're too late, you pirates! We're shutting you down once and for all! Thanks
to the connections of a certain Mayor, we knew you'd be here...that's why we arranged this
little surprise! [Chuckles]
DR. LAURA: Yes! Prepare to do battle with...*WASHINGTON, D.C.-BASED NINJA-THUGS*!
YAKKO: Ugh...*Washington* versions of ninja-thugs. This is gonna get ugly, guys....and
with all the marginally politicized humor Brainatra's done in this story by this point,
we're probably already in deep enough as it *is*...
[Cut to Brainatra at the library's computer...]
BRAINATRA: Guess so, though this isn't the first time we've seen political humor in WB
cartoons...and I *did* use to draw political cartoons for the school paper...[Shrugs,
[Cut back to the "action".]
SLAPPY: Great...an actual *cartoonist* is writin' this thing...no wonder we've seen
those dumb Warners beat those stupid spatial distortion gags into tha' ground...
DOT: [Stops groaning] Um...wait a minute...they're not *volunteer* ninja-thugs?
ONE OF THE THUGS: Of course not...this is Washington!
ANOTHER THUG: Yeah...we got a nice bit of cash from some Radio D*sney lobbyist to show
up for this battle-thing!
DOT: [Flatly] Natch...
DR. LAURA: While you face off against this vicious Beltway goons, we're going to head
inside and lobby against you losers to the FCC! They'll be so swayed by our arguments that
they're *bound* to shut you down!
BRAIN: So, you *don't* have anything to do with Pinky being kidnapped by their agents?
DR. LAURA: [Bit surprised to hear this] Why, no, we don't...which apparently means that
they have the same goals as we do in regards to your broadcast future! HAHAHA! Come,
Plotz, let's meet with the FCC, and shut these immoral, youth-corrupting broadcasters down
once and for all! [Dr. Laura and Plotz go off into the FCC building, leaving behind our
DOT: Well, here we go again...[Sighs]
[The heroes once again split up amongst the thugs...cut to Yakko and his thug.]
THUG: We're shutting you down once and for all! Your brand of *benevolent*, intelligent
broadcasting is undermining the basis of our nation's media!
YAKKO: Like that big lobbying bribe those corporate media guys paid you to come down
here and fight in this thing?
THUG: Um...yeah! That, and all that money Plotz has been lobbying us for to relax
anti-trust and merger rules...pretty soon, you'll be hawking AOL startup disks in recycled
stock footage promos, my friend! [Chuckles]
YAKKO: [Makes a face] Ugh...that *alone* deserves one of our *new*, *improved*
soon-to-be-a-classic gags! [Yakko does the "pick a card" bit to the thug, which
soon leaves him looking worse for wear. Yakko pats him on the back.]
YAKKO: Aaaaaahhh, don't quit your day job for Vegas anytime soon, buddy...
THUG: Yeah...sure....[Passes out.]
[Cut to Wakko and his thug, apparently a congressman. Bizarrely enough, he's whipping
around a briefcase in a "ninja" like fashion.]
THUG: You media vultures are all the same! You're probably here to ruin my House
campaign for re-election somehow through some tabloid journalism story designed to make me
look bad! I'm not gonna play "gotcha" journalism with the likes of *you*...
WAKKO: Really? Awww...um, wanna play something else, then?
THUG: [Raising an eyebrow] Really? Like *what*?
WAKKO: Um....how about "amendment"?
THUG: Um...how do you play that?
WAKKO: Simple! Like *this*! [Wakko removes his "gag bag", and begins stapling
what looks like a bunch of legal documents all over the congressional ninja-thug...he soon
looks like the Mummy.]
THUG: Hey! What is this?
WAKKO: Aw, I'm sorry...I forgot: this amendment's been *vetoed*! [Whips out his mallet,
and lets the thug have it; he's down for the count.]
[Cut to Dot and her thug...a caricature of Senator Jesse Helms...]
DOT: Ugh...guess Yakko was right about Brainatra beating these marginally politicized
jokes to death...though it still beats doing that "two places at---"
HELMS: [Cutting Dot off] Well, little lady, it looks like you're going down hard!
DOT: [Smirking] Yeah, right...
HELMS: [Laughs] *Please*...you expect some ugly-looking puppy-kid to stand up against
the most powerful senator south of the Mason-Dixie line? Ive stood against people
like you from Burbank or Europe or Canada or wherever the heck else there is from harming
our honest, wholesome ways of American life!
DOT: Wait a minute...did you just call me "little lady"?!
YAKKO: [Walking up] Aaaaactually, Dot, he called you "ugly". *And*
DOT: *UGLY*?!? [Does a fast burn; to her sibs] Please stand back, guys...this *could*
get a bit nasty.
HELMS: Nasty? I'll show you nasty, you lousy renegade radio pirates!
DOT: [Melodramatically] In the words of the great, beloved Pesto...[Angrily] THAT'S IT!
[Dot leaps forward, and soon, a giant fight cloud breaks out...when the smoke clears,
we see an anvil lying on the senator's head, with the senator wearing an "I Love
Dot" T-shirt, and his limbs hog-tied...several buttons displaying the peace symbol,
the K-ACME logo, an old Carol Mosley Braun re-election button, and other such vaguely
amusing aspects are seen covering his clothes.]
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh...feel better, sis?
WAKKO: Don't call our sister "ugly" you big meany! Or "little
YAKKO: Yeah, that's *our* job!
[Dot glowers at her siblings, who grin broadly, and begin stepping backwards...cut to
Slappy with her thug, who's apparently battling an equally-unflattering-as-Helms
caricature of Al Gore....]
SLAPPY: Aaaah, what's with all these lousy ninja-thug-thingamajig fight scenes, anyway?
Lousy writers...[To her opponent] All right, tell me why I oughta lift a finger against
GORE: (Launching into yet another long-winded speech) Well, I feel that P*kemon will
bring us together closer as a people with the people from Japan because by bringing
together such countries with diverse cultural backgrounds through the miracle of
crudely-animated fight scenes involving strange-looking little creatures we will be able
to find ways of ensuring the future of international trade between our two nations and....
SLAPPY: (Nodding off) Huh? Whazza?! Sorry....almost fell asleep there. Look, bud,
Ive got bigger fish to fry than small-potatoes you, so can we cut this thing short?
GORE: But Im the vice-president....
SLAPPY: Like I said, "small potatoes"....here ya go, pal. [Tosses Gore a
bomb, whos resumed his monotone speech; the bomb goes off, sending Gore flying...
something that looks like his hand comes flying back to the ground, with wiring, diodes,
etc. sticking out of it. Slappy does a bit of a double-take at this....]
[Cut to Axel and his thug...]
AXEL: Don't mess with me! I know my constitutional rights! I was in that [bleep]in'
movie, the "Distinguished Gentleman", ya know!
THUG: Oh, like some Hollywood *movie*'s gonna help get you out of *this* one...
AXEL: Actually, it probably will! Uhhhh...here ya go! [Whips out a checkbook, and
writes a check for the thug...he hands the thug the check] There! The profits I made off
this month's video sales of "Harlem Nights"! Enjoy it as a
"contribution" from yours truly! [Laughs]
THUG: [Takes it without reading the amount] Whoa...*thanks*! Uhhh....OK, I'm defeated.
So long! [Runs off...Axel laughs]
YAKKO: Um...what's so funny?
AXEL: That check's for all of 97 cents! Joke's on that [bleep]in' loser...
YAKKO: Ummm...yeah. Anyway, if all these ninja-thugs are gone...[Glances over to see
the mice pull their "NPR" attack on their Congressional thug, who runs off,
screaming about a desire to eliminate PBS and NPR funding]...we can get going! [Points
towards the FCC building] To Pinky!
BILLIE: To Pinky!
ALEX: To my first Oscar! This "ninja-thug fight scene" stuff *alone* will get
me in the door with those dimbulb action-emphasizing execs at one of those Hollywood
[The gang zip inside the building...]
[Yes, they zip inside the building, swing open the door, and step into the main lobby
to seeanother group of ninja, poised to attack. They stop in their tracks for a
moment. Then, Yakko gives a "you-know-what to-do" glance to his brother. Wakko
nods and pulls a rope that's just appeared out of nowhere. A huge, huge anvil falls,
crushing the whole troop of ninjas.]
YAKKO: Good job!
DOT: Yeah! We don't wanna overuse all our new gags already!
WAKKO: Who sez we don't? Here, pick a card! [Hold out the deck.]
DOT: [Slaps the deck away. It blows up offscreen.] Cut it out! We've already used that
bit way too much in these gratuitous ninja fight scenes! Let's save something for the
BRAIN: Well, let's stop wasting time and get upstairs!
BILLIE: Yeah! I just hope poor Pinky's okay!
[Cut to the main offices. Pinky and the FCC agents are watching an episode of
'Histeria!'it appears to be the infamous "Vomitaurium" sketch.]
AGENT 1: Hm
does this qualify as educational?
AGENT 2: Um
well, er, let's see
[Picks up a book next to him labeled
"Roman History for Dummies."] Well, according to this book here, there really
was a "Vomitaurium"
AGENT 1: Good enough. [Pulls the tape out and puts an "APPROVED" stamp on
PINKY: [Looks rather pale after watching that sketch.] Um
can we go back to
watching 'Where in the World is Carmen San Diego' again instead? POIT! I feel rather
[Suddenly, our troupe of intrepid 'toons bursts in.]
YAKKO: We're here to scrub your operation!
AGENT 1: Um
actually, I thought we were here to scrub *YOUR* operation
DOT: Oh, yeah! Silly us!
let the scrubbing begin! [The three Warners pull out bars of soap and
begin covering the FCC agents in soap.]
AGENT 2: Glub. Glarb.
PINKY: GLARB! Wa-ha-haaaa! Um
could someone get me out of here?
BILLIE: [Springing up.] I'm comin', Pinky!
AGENT 1: Stop her.
[Agent 2 tries to grab at her, but she slips through his fingers, so to speak. He then
hits a button labeled "GRATUITOUS AND OH-SO-POINTLESS NINJA FIGHT." Immediately,
an army of ninjas springs into the room.]
SLAPPY: Oh, great!
WAKKO: Yakko, I don't think I have enough soap left to clean all of them.
DOT: [Springing up onto one of them, and lifting his arm.] Few! Yeah, their armpits
alone would take a bar each
YAKKO: Well, then, there's only one thing to do!
DOT: Divide and conquer?
WAKKO: Make bubbles with our spit?
this. [Beckons the head ninja closer. He approaches, curious. He comes
then Yakko tags him.] YOU'RE IT! [All scatter, including the other
HEAD NINJA: HEY! GET BACK HERE!
NINJA: [Ducking behind a table.] No wayyou're "it"!
HEAD NINJA: Rrrrr
that does it! [He goes running after Dot, who scoots by, then
Billie, along with Pinky who she has just released, and then Axel. The ninja, failing to
tag any of them, walks into a corner and begins to pout.] Oh, it's not fairI was
always "it"! None of the other kids wanted to play with me because I was too
and I was the middle child, so my mother always ignored me! [Sobbing.] My little
kitty Cutie Lumpkins was my only friend! The day he got hit by a car, I [Hysterical
by this point] OH, I NEVER WANTED TO BE EVIL, REALLY!!!! I JUST WANTED SOME APPRECIATION,
SOME LOVE!!!!! WAS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK, REALLY? [Sobs uncontrollably.]
[The gang approaches, looking somewhat remorseful at having tortured the poor loser.]
YAKKO: Gee, I had no idea
[The head ninja spins around, suddenly looking like a smiling child. He slaps Yakko.]
HEAD NINJA: YOU'RE IT! [Laughs giddily and runs away.]
[Wakko and Dot giggle and run off, leaving Yakko standing there.]
YAKKO: EhHEY! That's it! [He turns to look at the Head Ninja, running off.
Suddenly, a huge Mack truck runs over him. The other ninjas stare, blink, and proceed to
jump out the window in fright.]
SLAPPY: Hey, nice use of that "Mack truck" bit!
YAKKO: Yeah, well, it was that, or pull the "two places at" [Slappy
threatens him menacingly with a handful of dynamite, and he wisely stops in mid-sentence.]
BRAIN: Now, where did those FCC agents get to?
VOICE: [From off-screen] Right here!
[The gang turns around, to find standing there the two FCC thugs that kidnapped
Pinky...standing next to them are several other agents.]
AGENT #1: OK, you rogue pirates, your illegal broadcasting days are *over*!
AGENT #2: Yes...and there's no way you can stop us. Your cheap brand of cartoon gaggery
has no effect on our stoic selves...
DOT: Drats...and I was looking forward to trying out that new gag I thought of...
WAKKO: You have a new gag? When'd you find time to make it up?
DOT: [Rolling her eyes] While you guys were gazing over Alex's girlfriend, I thought of
a way to turn that "two places at once"/"right behind you" bit into
something a bit less...um...how do I put this? ...*Repetitive*.
WAKKO: Faboo! Another new gag for us to overuse!
DOT: Not if *I* have anything to say about it, Spatial Distortion Abuse Boy...[To the
agents] Aww, don't be so stoic...don't you know that being without humor gives you
AGENT #1: Highly unlikely, Miss...we're professionals. Now, please come quietly with
these nice fellow agents. [The miscellaneous agents walk towards the Heroes.]
YAKKO: So, what do we do now? If those cartoon gags won't work on these guys, then
we're as good as shut down! And you know what that means...
WAKKO: Endless airtime for Dr. Laura and the same six recycled Top 40 songs?
DOT: So what do we do?
BRAIN: Hmmm...I have an idea, and it *doesn't* involve localized space-time
distortion...follow me! [Brain runs off; the others shrug, and follow the big-headed
mouse. The various agents, including the two main agents, follow in pursuit. The heroes
turn a corner, and run down a shadowed hallway, with the agents following. A few moments
later, we see that the Heroes merely hid against a wall in the hallway, allowing the
agents to run past; the heroes double back in the direction they came...]
[We eventually see the Heroes run into what looks like the main control center for the
FCC; we see various monitors display reruns of "Charles in Charge", several
piles of educational scripts stamped "APPROVED", various stampers for each TV
rating label, etc.]
YAKKO: Um...what now, Brain?
BRAIN: Hmm...now that we're in their main control room, we could do any number of
YAKKO: *I'll* say! We've hit the mother lode!
BRAIN: Wait, I didn't mean...
[Too late; we see the Warners begin to race around the room, engaging in their usual
hijinks, with trumpet fanfare music playing. We see Dot press various buttons at the
control panels, Yakko setting up a microphone, and Wakko stamping "TV-MA" on
various children's programming scripts. Brain looks annoyed.]
BRAIN: *AHEM*...do you *mind*?! We've got something of a situation here, if you haven't
noticed! Of all the things for you to do...running amok in the control center of the
center of broadcast media regulation in the United States...[A strange look comes over
Brain's face; he quickly turns to Pinky and Billie.]
BRAIN: Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: I think so, Brain, but what if the "Ninja-Thug Action Hour" loses to
"WCW Nitro" in the ratings?
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky...just think! We're in the main control room of the FCC...with a few
simple adjustments, we could easily take control of all broadcast media in the United
States! With the power of the media at our disposal, we could easily *TAKE OVER THE
BILLIE: Sorry to burst your bubble, Eggy, but what about all our current situation?
Between those FCC agents looking for us, and Dr. Laura, Plotz, and the Radio D*sney guys
lurking about somewhere, I think we've got bigger things to worry about! As much as it may
pain you to admit it, there's no *way* we can take over the world under these kind of
BRAIN: [Looking very disappointed] *Sigh*...*why* must you be so correct in your
BILLIE: [Shrugs] Intuition? Having hyperstimulated intellectual capacities?
BRAIN: *Indeed*..either way, I suppose you're right. We'd best deal with our current
situation...[To the rest of the group] Do you have any ideas of what we should do?
YAKKO: Aaactually, we thought we'd lure 'em out into the open by broadcasting over
their own frequencies our K-ACME bit, and thus lure those guys out in the open and take on
those losers in the Final Confrontation!
DOT: Already? Boy, this adventure just flew by, didn't it? [All nod] Just think of all
that happened, though...
[Melodic music begins playing; we dissolve to a series of scenes from this story...we
see: Axel performing three-card monte, the pirates lying around the K-ACME station, the
K-ACME travel van cruising down the highway, a pointless ninja-thug fight scene, the
Warners pulling the "standing on the ceiling" bit on Axel, and Wakko scarfing
down a large pile of Big Macs at one of the 47 zillion McDonald's stops. The
flashback ends, with Dot looking a bit pleased.]
DOT: [Sighs] Well, enough of that...we'd better lure all those guys out into our trap.
VOICE: Not likely, losers!
[All turn around...they find standing there Mikey and Sheryl.]
ALEX: [Still filming this adventure] Hey! How'd you get in here?!
MIKEY: Call it a little "helper", ya bums! [Pan over to see a giant hole in
the wall, with their Volvo sticking out of it.]
DOT: Wait a minute...how come we didn't hear you crash through the wall?
YAKKO: It must've been muted out due to that gratuitous flashback of yours...
DOT: Hmph...last time I do *that* in the middle of a crisis...
SHERYL: Anyway, youse guys are goin' *doowwwwwnnn*...like on Jerry Springer!
DOT: Yeah, right...[Whispers to her siblings] Now's my chance to try my semi-new
gag...[To the thugs] Hey, guys...look behind you! [Points to something behind the goons.
MIKEY: Yeah, right! We've seen all dese adventures of yours, and we know you keep
pulling that "two places at once" bit all the time!
SHERYL: For *real*! Why don't ya get some new gags fer once with your unoriginal
WAKKO: [Whipping out his card deck] Um, actually...[Annoyed, Dot slaps it out of his
hands, and it flys off-screen; we hear an explosion, followed by Axel swearing profusely.]
DOT: [To the thugs] OK...but don't say I didn't warn you! [Dances off the screen in a
MIKEY: Behind me? Yeah, right...[Turns around; Mikey and Sheryl find standing there not
Dot in "two places at once", but rather Dot's pet...specifically, one of the
"Aliens" from the "Alien" movies. The creature drools, and grins at
the two thugs. Mikey and Sheryl scream, and race for their car, with the Alien in pursuit.
Slamming the accelerator, the duo take off, but we see the Aliens got a hold of the
vehicles bumper; the car skids into a nearby tree, causing it to explode; from the
cloud of smoke, we see the "dynamic duo" hurtling into the sky, yelling
"were bein defeated by puppy-brats *agaaaiiiiinnn*..." before
vanishing. Back in the control room, we hear the group cheer; Yakko pats Dot on the back.]
YAKKO: *Great* gag retooling, Dot! That "look behind you" bit'll make a great
addition to those gags that Slappy taught us!
DOT: [Curtseys] Thanks...*and* it doesn't involve submitting ourselves to spatial
PINKY: [Laughing wildly; he looks almost out of breath] *Wahahahaha*! "Look behind
you"! TROZ! That's even* better* than that "two places at once" bit!
BILLIE: [Laughing with Pinky] Yeah! Whatta riot!
BRAIN: Much to our relief...now come, we must lure the FCC agents and media CEO's out
into the open for the Final Confrontation!
YAKKO: [Waves at the mike] It's all yours...
BRAIN: [Walking to the mike, and tapping on it] Hello? *Ahem*...greetings, media
giants! We are the K-ACME broadcasting staff. For years, we've grown wearisome of your
repetitive programming tactics...your insipid marketing decisions, your inane demographic
test groups, your constant breakneck-speed mergers, your inane talk radio chatter, *and*
your completely disgraceful levels of greed, as exemplified in the crushing P*k*mon
marketing levels and your recycled Top 40 broadcast radio playlists! Thus, the motive for
our actions...all we ask in our mission is for quality, intelligent broadcasting to make a
return to our nation's airwaves. [Patriotic music begins swelling up] No more mindless
low-brow sitcoms...no more shameless abuse of marketing pablum programming in excess...no
more recycled stock footage promos or narrow-minded, bland talk radio programs! We plead
with you to come to the front of the FCC building, and meet with us in person, hopefully
to discuss a way to improve programming. [Music builds to a crescendo] Remember the First
Amendment our country's built on...don't abuse it in favor of...Pikachu! Thank you. [Turns
off the microphone; turning around, he finds everyone amazed at Brain's speech; the
Warners look teary-eyed and moved.]
YAKKO: [Sniffing] That was beautiful, Brain!
DOT: [Sniffing] Yeah...way to slam shamelessly crass marketing there!
AXEL: Yeah, way to go!
SLAPPY: Nice way to tell 'em off, Brain...think it'll work?
BRAIN: [Sighs] I rather doubt it, given the stubbornness and fairly heavy greed of the
likes of Plotz...but hopefully, though, those goons are so enraged by the notions
presented in this speech that they're already out front, ready to engage us in the Final
Confrontation! Come...let us, as they say in popular slang, "get it on"!
PINKY: Righty-o, Brain! TROZ!
[The group head to the front of the building...there, they find the entire FCC staff,
with the two main agents and their boss standing there.]
YAKKO: Whoa...nice reception. But where's Dr. Laura, Plotzie and the Radio D*sney
BOSS: They'll be along in awhile...*after* we're finished with you! [Laughs; the Heroes
[Cut to the FCC agents and our Heroes...the boss speaks up.]
BOSS: So! You pirates think you're so smart? Well, we're finally putting the kibosh on
your operation once and for all! [Speaking melodramatically] The line must be drawn
*here*! This station, no further!
YAKKO: Ummm...yeah. Well, I suppose we'll just have to engage you guys in the...Final
[Cut to a shot of a still-screen, displaying the McDonald's logo...]
VOICEOVER ANNOUNCER: This Final Confrontation is brought to you
by...*McDonald's*! Yes, M*ckeyDee's...the official sponsor of the WBC fanfic
stories! [Cut to a card displaying Wakko scarfing down a giant pile of Big Macs, with
Brain looking heavily annoyed by the choice of restaurants.]
[Cut back to the "action" once more.]
WAKKO: Wait! Um...I thought Dr. Laura and those losers were going to show up for this
VOICE: And we *have*!
[Our heroes gulp, seeing that Dr. Laura, Plotz, Howard Stern, and the Radio D*sney
goons have shown up. With them are all the ninja-thugs that have appeared in this thing,
as well as the pirates seen earlier.]
DOT: [Groaning, covering her face with her hands] Ugh....pirates *and* ninja-thugs.
We're going to need an extra-strong cup of cocoa once this thing's over...
WAKKO: Um...can we make it coffee instead? [Dot glowers angrily at Wakko, who backs
away from the annoyed Warner.]
HOOK: Aaaargh! You varmints think yer so tough with yer spatial distortion gaggery?
Arrrgh! Prepare to be defeated in man-ter-man combat!
DR. LAURA: YES! We're shutting you down, with the blessing of the FCC! Even if you
defeat *us*, your brand of gaggery won't work on our FCC counterparts! Either way, you're
as good as shut down!
BILLIE: Great...*now* what do we do? Surrender quietly and settle for a media dominated
by the same six recycled top 40 tunes and tired sitcoms?
SLAPPY: Are you kiddin'? I've had enough of these bums tryin' to shove all of this drek
down our throats! I say we make a stand here, even if it *is* another flippin' "Final
Confrontation" thingamajig! Besides, anything to avoid seein' recycled stock
footage of myself hawkin' AOL startup disks...
BRAIN: *Agreed*...or more recycled footage of myself being abused at the hands of those
YAKKO: Or footage of me playing Regis Philbin...
PINKY: Um...I rather like seeing me laughing and dancing in place on that Cat and Bunny
Warneroonie Super Looney Big Cartoonie Show! *Wahaha---[Laughter tapers off, as he sees
the others looking saddened/annoyed.] Um...well, I admit they, uh...don't capture my
*good* side in that opening. Uh...let's get those guys? *NARF*! [All cheer]
SLAPPY: Yeah! It's ending here you losers! We're not running anymore!
DR. LAURA: [Raising an eyebrow] Very brave...but it'll do you no good!
FCC BOSS: [To his agents] Better stand back, guys...this could get ugly. [They do so]
Besides, even if Dr. Laura's agents lose, those pirates won't stand a chance against us!
DR. LAURA: [To her goons] GET 'EM! [The two groups charge at each other, and begin
[Cut to the Warners, facing one of the pirates and two of the Washington-based
YAKKO: Wooo...now, let's see here, which one's the backstabbing, moolah-hording thug
and which one works in Washington? Gee, I simply *can't* decide...
PIRATE: Arrrgh...yer goin' down for *that* crack, you scurvy puppy-kid! The nerve,
comparin' me to those Washington bums...
WASHINGTON NINJA-THUG: *HEY*! At least we don't resemble rejects from a kid's 10th
birthday party at Chucky Cheese!
PIRATE: What?! Why, I oughta...
YAKKO: ...look behind you? [Points behind the three]
THUGS: Huh? [They turn around, only to find standing there a group of guys waving
various signs around...]
JOHN MCCAIN: Hi...Im Senator John McCain. Id like to talk to you about that
"contribution" those media guys paid you...
ANOTHER GUY: And *I* represent Chucky Cheese! I'd like to talk to you about performing
for our fine restaurant chain! Now, then, we'd like to keep that pirate accent of yours,
[The three scream, and run off, as do all the other pirates, once they hear screaming
over "kids birthday parties"...cut to Alex, Carrie, and the mice, facing their
NEW YORK NINJA-THUG: HA! That "NPR Attack" bit won't work on me, youse
guys...I'm wearing earplugs! Try to gets me *now*!
ALEX: [To the mice] *I'll* handle this... [Walks up to the thug] Hey, guy...how'd you
like to star in my, uh...[Glances at his still-filming camera] Reality-based special? I'm
sellin' it to Rupert Murdoch for *Fox*! Just think...you'll get to see footage of yourself
on *all* the prominent specials: "When Ninja-Thugs Attack"..."Cops: vs.
PINKY: Oooh, don't forget "The World's Worst Final Confrontations", *NARF*!
ANOTHER NINJA-THUG: *FOX*?!? *YAAARGHHH*...get *away*! Even *we* don't want to sink
*that* low! [The thugs run off...]
[Cut to Axel and his thug...]
THUG: It ends *here*, Mr. Foley...that mouth of yours is a corrupting influence on our
nation's children! And that Slappy cohort of your's penchant for violence isn't much
better! Dr. Laura finds such chicanery *appalling*! Now, what do you have to say about
SLAPPY: [Walking up] Um...try *this*, buddy. [Points to the side of the screen, and she
and Axel step back. The thug looks, only to see a Mack truck run him down, followed by a
stampeding herd of buffalo. Slappy chuckles, as does Axel...]
[Cut back to the Warners, who're joined by the rest of our Heroes; we see that Wakko's
taken out one of the Radio D*sney goons already with the "pick a card" bit. Dr.
Laura and Plotz look livid.]
DR. LAURA: So, you've defeated our horde once more? Well, it looks as if *I'll* have to
take all of you on *myself*! [Begins making "ninja" motions] Prepare to perish,
you immoral fools! I have a black belt in karate!
PLOTZ: Indeed...I'd fire you all, except I need you for the recycled stock footage
promos based on "Waterworld" and "Austin Powers" I'm planning for
promoting the latest P*k*mon marathon! Now, do you give up?
YAKKO: Aaaaaaactually, we were thinking of doing *this*! [To the group] I know we used
this before in that "Warner Academy" thing against M*ckey Mouse, but, what the
hey? [All shrug]
[Ropes appear out of nowhere next to each hero, and all pull them; instantly, we see a
rain of anvils come down on top of Dr. Laura, Plotz, Howard Stern, and the Radio D*sney
goons...followed in suit by: several SUV's, a Wal-Mart, a Meijer's, two Mack Trucks filled
with P*k*mon merchandise, a warehouse full of unsold copies of "Secret of NIMH 2:
Timmy to the Rescue", a McDonald's restaurant, a few oil tankers, several
crates filled with explosives, several crates' worth of books-on-tape copies of NPR's
"Car Talk", a warehouse full of AOL startup disks, and the set of "Who
Wants to Be a Millionaire?".]
SLAPPY: And *now*, for the *true* coupe-de-grace!
[We see that Slappy's holding a detonator, with wires running to what looks like 30
tons' worth of explosives that are standing right next to the massive pile of dropped
wacky items. Slappy pushes the lever, creating an earth-shattering KA-BOOM!, sending the
various media thugs flying off into the distance and out of sight, as well as all the
wacky objects dropped. When the smoke clears, a giant crater remains in the ground. All
the heroes cheer; from out of nowhere, Wakko pulls out a trophy and hands it to Slappy.]
WAKKO: Congratulations, Slappy, for the most pointlessly violent Final
Confrontation ever enacted in a fanfic story, as well as the shameless recycling of
these bits from "Warner Academy" and that Halloween episode of yours!
SLAPPY: [Taking the trophy] Now *that's*...TV-G rated comedy! HA!
FCC BOSS: [Livid] You may have stopped those losers with your brand of gaggery, but the
FCC won't be stopped so easily! [Snaps his fingers; from out of nowhere, we see the agents
surround the group. One of them grab the mice, and pulls a pistol.] Now we play this *our*
way...comply with us, and the mice *live*...*don't* comply, and, well...things *could* get
WAKKO: *Now* what'll we do?!
his palm is sweatier than Axel's!
PINKY: Yeah, but at least it smells spring fresh thanks to the Warners'
"scrubbing" bit earlier! POIT!
BRAIN: This is no time to jest, Pinky!
I wasn't jesting.
BILLIE: I only hope the rest of the guys think up something quickly
YAKKO: [Pulling that Captain Kirk bit from "Hot, Bothered and Bedeviled."]
SLAPPY: Eh, I can't think after 4 unless I've had my medication
YAKKO: Axel? [He shrugs.] Wakko, Dot?
WAKKO: Sorry, Yakko
we're all tapped out. [Pulls out a sink tap faucet. It lets
out a drop, and Wakko throws it away.]
[Zip to Craig, asleep at the computer. He awakens with a start.]
CRAIG: Huh?! Sorry
you guys'll hafta solve this
[Drop back to sleep on the desk.]
[Zip back to the rest.]
[Pulls out a piece of paper.] Well, we've already used all our new gags
the maximum amount of times allowed by the FDA
any further usage would be an
unhealthy dosage. Sooooo, eeeehhhh
howzabout a showstopping song-and-dance number?
[All are suddenly in pinstripe suits, holding canes, and wearing straw hats. Cue a
Vaudeville-ish song & dance numberparody of "Brush Up Your
Shakespeare," from Kiss Me Kate.]
Revive the classics!
We cannot wait
Let's bring back the classics
We're in a sorry state
When they tell you that South Park beats Lucy
Give 'em some old Bubaloo-sey
DOT: When they say that Seinfeld's better'n the Marxes
WAKKO: You can bet they don't know swordfish from sharkses
SLAPPY: And when they say Monty Python's no Ray-moond
AXEL: Draw your sword and give 'em a "flesh wound"
YAKKO: Revive the classics
ALL: Before it's too late!
YAKKO: Revive the classics!
We cannot wait
Let's bring back the classics
We're in a sorry state
When they say Tim Allen's Clouseau times ten
AXEL: Remind them of when he Struck Again!
WAKKO: And if they say Friends is king of the quip-edes
DOT: Recall Felix, Oscar, and Euripedes!
SLAPPY: And though Drew Carey thinks he's well-versed
YAKKO: Bud & Lou knew who was on first!
Revive the classics
ALL: Before it's too late!
YAKKO: Revive the classics!
We cannot wait
Let's bring back the classics
We're in a sorry state
SLAPPY: If they say Family Guy makes Bugs look like a would-be
DOT: Reply with a sly "Hm, could be"
WAKKO: When they say Hardy's no Sandler, beg to differ
YAKKO: Let's see Adam try that "tie twitter"!
And when they say the Stooges should've been more crass
AXEL: Tell 'em to shove it up their (beep)!
ALL: Revive the classics!
Before it's too laaaaaaaaaaaate!
DOT: Um, so, uh
what purpose did that serve, other than to make our point through
an upbeat and fairly amusing song parody?
YAKKO: It put the FCC agents to sleep. [Points over to the agents, fast asleep. The
mice struggle to escape from their hands without awakening them.]
[Cut to the heroes, standing outside their K-ACME travel van. All look concerned...]
YAKKO: Well, gang, we did it! We've managed to defeat the FCC agents *without* using
repetitive spatial distortion gags *or* cartoon violence!
DOT: Yeah...but I'm still kind of worried, Yakko...since we've defeated all our foes,
that should mean that this thing's over, right? Assuming that the FCC agents don't wake up
and come back for us again, we're still for all intents and purposes on the *air*!
YAKKO: Yeah...and *that* means...[Gasps]...an actual *change* in our status as
entertaining characters! [Dum-dum-duuuummmmm...]
SLAPPY: Ahh, don't worry about it...I'm sure those writers will think of somethin' to
reset the status quo by the time this thing's over...lousy bunch of hacks. Trust me,
character development's something completely unfamiliar to these fifth-grade writing class
YAKKO: ...or plot consistency...
WAKKO: ...or original gags...
DOT: ...or continuity...
BRAIN: ...or decent spelling...
BILLIE: ...or decent *grammar*...
ALEX: ...or the tendency to insert gratuitous, obscure pop culture references...
CARRIE: ...or inserting enough characters to make these things dwarf the Super Bowl's
viewership in terms of number of cast members...
AXEL: ...or thinkin' that they're Hollywood-caliber [bleep]in' writers instead of
realizin' they're just a bunch of [bleep]in' fanboyish guys with way too much time on
YAKKO: Aaaactually, a trained spider monkey could do better than 90% of what's on TV
these days, Axel...
AXEL: I know, I know...but come on, who else would write a bunch of [bleep]in' stories
that throw everything in from obscure 1980's one-hit wonders to [bleep]in'
YAKKO: Aaaaaaahhhhh....the "Simpsons" writers?
DOT: So, if we still have our station, then I guess it's only a matter of time before
we lose it thanks to that insipid "lack of intelligent character development"
sitcom writing rule...and those mega-media goons regain control of the airwaves and fill
the airwaves with "Facts of Life" reruns, infomercials, and recycled stock
footage promos of us hawking AOL disks...
YAKKO: Yeah...no wonder TV humor has such a short lifespan, if nothing *worthwhile* in
terms of life development is actually allowed...
[All look glum, not looking forward to whatever contrivance will come along that'll
take their station away from them...suddenly, a Shadow Ensconced Figure walks up.]
FIGURE: Hello, there...I've heard your radio station, and wish to discuss its future
with you, realizing that some contrivance will come along that permanently removes you
from the air...
DOT: [Annoyed, but still glum] Great...I thought we'd get through this thing *without*
putting up with "shadow ensconced figures"...[saddened] Not that it matters, I
guess. If you're here to take our station away from us in some forced sitcom writing
manner, go ahead...[All sigh]
FIGURE: Actually, Miss Warner, I'm interested in *buying* your station's facilities
from you. You see, I care just as much about keeping decent radio on the airwaves, and I
would like to use your facilities to establish an FCC-licensed station that would at least
allow decent radio to stay on the air in the L.A. area...and, thank to Internet based
radio broadcasting, possibly the country as a whole!
AXEL: Hmm...I dunno...how do we know you're not plannin' on sellin' it out to those
DOT: Or turn it into yet another AM talk radio station, and thus hand Dr. Laura a
FIGURE: I can assure you, I've had experience in independent creativity; in fact, I've
quit a previous job to start up my own company...
BRAIN: Wait a minute...your sounds familiar...gravelly, yet fatherly...do we *know*
FIGURE: Um, actually, yes!
[The figure pulls out a remote, and presses a button on it; the shadows surrounding him
disappear. Standing in front of the heroes is none other than...Steven Spielberg.]
DOT: But *why* would you be interested in our station, or our own plight? We've been
canceled by the WB, and you've got that "Dreamworks" company thing to worry
SPIELBERG: Well, I need a few pet projects on the side, and your station's unique,
creatively independent format seems to appeal to me! And I know what it's like to have
creative beefs with one's bosses. Though to avoid any further FCC strife, I'd probably
have to hire a new station staff...people with creative vision, with originality,
interested in independent radio and *not* that "Mambo #5" song they keep playing
over and over! [All nod.]
ALEX: [Nervous] Um...M-Mr. S-Spielberg...I'm a student a-at NYU, and I'm studying film,
and I...well, er....would you be interested in hiring on a promising intern who's been
filming this pirate broadcasting group's adventures? [Braces for an expected
SPIELBERG: Well, actually....I suppose we'll need someone to film the local TV ads
promoting this new station...and filming the station's crew in action would be a way to
get even *more* publicity...very well, you're hired!
ALEX: Carrie, too?
SPIELBERG: Yes, Carrie, too!
ALEX: Oh, this is so exciting! We've finally hit the big time! [The others look glum]
Oh, don't worry...I'm sure things will pick up for all you guys. I'm sure you'll be back
on the air someday, Spielberg produced or not...
SPIELBERG: Well, then, if everything's OK, then I guess I'll be going...[Motions for
Alex and Carrie to walk with him] Now, then, we'll need to talk about...[Rambles off into
film technical details as the three get into a nearby limo, and leave.]
YAKKO: Well, I guess that's that.
DOT: Do you think Spielberg knows what he's doing?
YAKKO: Mr. "1941"? Of course he does! At least, he can't do any worse than
those P*k*mon promos we're being forced to make back when we get back...
DOT: Then I guess we've maintained the status quo, then...as nauseatingly
P*k*mon-pushing as it *is*...
WAKKO: Faboo! Except for the best thing to come out of all this, of course...
DOT: What's that?
WAKKO: All these neat new *gags* we have!
YAKKO: Yeah...which means that that "two places at once" bit can finally take
a bit of a *rest*!
[All cheer, as celebratory music plays in the background.]
WAKKO: Yeah, I guess so...but does this mean we can't do it anymore, *or* that
"right behind 'em" bit either? [Sadly glances at Brain and Slappy, who look
relieved at the thought of never seeing those two gags again, but still fidget nervously]
SLAPPY: [Nervously] Well...[Sighs] Look, ya kids: it's not that you can't do that bit,
it's just that we're all sick and tired of it bein' beaten into the ground! You've been
doing it about 47 gazillion times since that "Package Deal" story, and we're all
*sick* of it! SICK, SICK, SICK! [Brain gives a resounding "*YES*!"; the Warners
frown] That's why ya need these new gags of yours, to relieve the monotony of that
WAKKO: I guess so...but can we do those two gags in the next story, anyway?
DOT: [Sighs] Maybe, Wakko...though I think these new gags of ours should take priority
over those two bits...a much *bigger* priority...
WAKKO: Faboo! Works for me! Besides, it gives me a chance to practice that "pick a
card" bit some more...
YAKKO: Say, how about we all celebrate having saved our station at the hands of the
sitcom "no useful character development" reset button at---
BRAIN: [Irate] *DON'T...SAY...THAT...RESTAURANT*! You *know* what it does to me...
YAKKO: Don't worry, I've got an even better place in mind...uhhhhhh....is Chucky Cheese
BRAIN: Well...I suppose so...
YAKKO: Great! Come on, then, let's go! [To his sibs] And I've got two guesses what
seafaring thug "special friend"'ll be our waiter. [Wiggles his eyebrows at the
camera, as we fade out to...]
[We fade in on renowned radio personality Paul Harvey sitting at his desk, as depicted
in various episodes of F!. He speaks in his typical style.]
PAUL HARVEY: And so, Steven Spielberg, the terrifically talented movie mogul himself,
purchased the Warners' wildly wonderful radio station. Hit me upside the head with a fish
and call me Susan! Under the guidance of the freethinking filmmaker's blazing brilliance,
the station flourished and prospered. My pants are too tight, and as for the Warners, who
returned to their happy home habitat in beautiful Burbank: they found terrific triumph
testing their perfectly pleasing newfound tricks on deserving dupes. And now you
the rest of the epilogue. Good day. [Wakko pops out of Mr. Harvey's coffee mug
holding a deck of cards.]
WAKKO: Hey: wanna pick a card? [Wiggles his eyebrows at us as the ending notes play
from the orchestra. We fade to black. As we're in black, we hear a huge explosion,
followed by the final "Bum-bum-bum-bum!"]
Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Pinky, Billie, Brain, ACME Labs, K-ACME, Bugs Bunny, Plotz,
"the WB", "Kids WB", "Animaniacs", "Tiny Toon
Adventures", "Pinky and the Brain", and other related indica © 2000 by
Warner Bros., used without permission.
Axel Foley © Paramount Studios, used without permission.
NPR © National Public Radio.
ABC © American Broadcasting Company, Inc./Disney.
NBC © National Broadcasting Company, Inc..
CBS © Columbia Broadcasting System, Inc.
FOX © News Corp.
Radio Disney © Disney.
"Dr. Laura" the TV show © Paramount/Laura Schlessinger, used without
McDonalds © McDonalds Corp., used without permission.
Zed, MiB: the Series © Columbia Pictures, used without permission.
Pokemon © Nintendo, used without permission.
The Warners new gags created by Craig.
Mikey, Sheryl, Carrie created by Capt. Caps.
Alex created by Brainatra.