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Fan Fics

The following is an unofficial sequel to the "Warner Academy" stories, done out of tribute by a fan calling himself "Alan Smithee." While the creators of the original stories feel compelled to maintain control over their own continuum, and are thus hesitant to accept the events in this story as actual canon, they found it to be quite entertaining nonetheless. Do enjoy!

Chan's the Man

By Alan Smithee

(The following word roll across the screen)

As you may remember last time the Warner's and their allies saved the world from the machinations of an evil baby and an equally evil Australian mogul. After regaining their reputations they were all eventually made honorary officers in the Burbank police department. But soon these former rookies would have to train new recruits and combat a threat bigger than any they had faced before. Well okay not really-- but it's still really bad.


(Scene: The Burbank police academy, focusing in the office of Chief Steve Winslow*. As he sits at his desk, the door to his office opens, he peers up too see the Warners.)

Winslow: Ah, the Warner siblings just the people I wanted to see.

Wakko: Hey chief, how can we help you?

Winslow: First off let me say that you are truly the best cops we have on the force.

Yakko: Thank you, I mean we have saved the world on two separate occasions.

Winslow: And all of Burbank appreciates it too. Anyway we recently obtained some new recruits and I was hoping you experienced cops could show the greenhorns the ropes.

Yakko: No problem chief, officer's Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner will gladly whip these new recruits into shape.

Wakko: Does that mean we get to use the hazing equipment?

Dot: We don't have hazing equipment.

Wakko: How can we train cadets without hazing gear? (Pulls out a clipboard) Let's see we'll need a goat, some underpants, whipped cream, a 2x4,...

Yakko: (Hits Wakko on the head) Excuse him sir he's just excited.

Winslow: Yes, there was once a time when you three were rookie officers. Now I've ordered the recruits to assemble in the yard, go there and make me proud.

Yakko: We'll try sir (the Warners salute and leave).

Dot: Wow can you believe it? We of all people are in charge of training the new recruits.

Wakko: Apparently they forgot about our procedure violations on our last two cases.

Yakko: And all the property damage we caused.

Wakko: Not to mention all of the stuff we charged to them, like McDonalds food. (Rubs him tummy) Mmm I could use a Big Mac right about now.

Yakko: Hold that thought.

Dot: Hey wait a minute, A few months ago we stopped Judge Doom's return and screwed Kellner, then we became political staff members. So how did we become police officers again? (As happened in Toons and Doom, and Mr. Foley goes to Washington, respectively).

Yakko: Well Axel got bored with his desk job and said he wanted to get back out on the streets again.

Wakko: Plus he tried to strangle Strom Thurmond.

Yakko: Which for some reason is considered a crime in Washington D.C. But it's okay, Mrs. Smith is handling things for us.

Dot: Well I guess being cops again isn't too bad, they let us carry nightsticks.

Wakko: And we get to eat all the fast food and donuts we want.

Yakko: Not the mention the police brutality.

Wakko: But only on those who deserve it, like network executives.

Yakko: Right, plus we always meet up with great guest stars. Speaking of which let's see which ones we've got this time.

(The Warners reach the yard, where a motley crew of recruits stand).

Yakko: Okay let's see who we've got here, (looks at file) Robert Oblong, are you here?

Bob: Here

Yakko: Great- yahhh! (He sees Bob for the first time).

Bob: Don't worry I get that all the time, it comes from having no arms or legs.

Wakko: Where are your limbs?

Bob: Well I live in a toxic-waste infested land so they kind of fell off. I don't mind though.

Yakko: O-kay (looks at file) it says here that you used to be on TV, hey on the WB too.

Bob: Yes I once had a show on the WB, which ran for six episodes. Then those network bastards tossed me out on my ear. They promised me 13, and all they showed was 6 those fat slappers! (Realizes he raised his voice) Sorry I'm usually not violent.

Dot: We know the feeling.

Wakko: Yeah we had a show once, but then it was cancelled to make room for that stupid P*kemon. (The Warners gag)

Dot: Eww don't even mention that show.

Wakko: Sorry.

Yakko: So how did you end up in Burbank?

Bob: Funny story. My home was declared unsafe by the board of health, so the family and I were forced to move. And my wife Pickles, God bless her, always wanted to see California. Then I knew I had to get a new job, so I'm walking down the street and I see this flyer for police recruitment. And here I am.

Yakko: Well it's great to meet you, I'm sure you'll make a great cop.

Bob: I hope so, I may not look like it but I'm ready to tackle all the dirtbags.

Yakko: Hold that thought, okay is Froggo here?

Froggo: Right here sir.

Wakko: Hey weren't you on that Histeria! show?

Froggo: Yeah, but after we got cancelled I just sat around the house a lot. So Father Time decided I needed to do something, and that's why I am here.

Yakko: Great, two old WB alum, this may be better than I thought.

Dot: We've got everyone we need for a sequel but Bobcat Goldthwait.

Yakko: (Looking at file) Uh-oh you shouldn't have said that.

Bobcat: Uhh Mr. Officer you didn't call my name.

Yakko: Okay what's the story, why are you here?

Bobcat: I need work, and I heard they were making another Police Academy movie so--

Yakko: This is a Warner Academy movie, it's different.

Wakko: Yeah we don't have that guy who makes sound effects (begins to make siren, and other noises).

Dot: Rope it in.

Bobcat: Please let me stay, I can help I'm proficient with small firearms.

Yakko: Okay (sighs) somehow I think we'll regret this. Okay is that it?

Froggo: You forgot my buddy Toast (points behind him).

Toast: Yo dudes.

Yakko: Well there's our token cool guy.

Froggo: Toast joined with me because he wants his girlfriend to respect him.

Toast: Like shut up dude, I only joined to help you out. The fact that Pepper is turned on by guys in uniforms is just an added bonus.

Dot: Gross!

Yakko: Please keep that to yourself. (Scanning the crowd), hmm short recruitment month.

Wakko: I expected at least one more person. Like that luscious Wonder Woman.

Both: Hellooooo Nurse!

Dot: Okay you two, quit drooling over the amazon princess long enough to do your job.

Yakko: (Sighs) Alright, (to rookies) okay gang first up basic training. To the shooting range.

(Scene: A montage of basic training; at the shooting range the recruits are doing okay. Bob, who has his gun in his mouth, bounces back and forth like a punching bag. Yakko shakes his head in shame. Then in the obstacle course, Bobcat trips on the tires, causing all the recruits to fall on him. Bob has trouble going over the wall, so Toast lifts him up like a javelin and hurls him over.)


Yakko: Well you guys did poorly on basic training.

All: Aww.

Wakko: But since we're known for our unorthodox methods and bending the rules, we'll let it slide.

All: Yeah!

Yakko: Now to help you better with your training you will each be partnered with an experienced officer. You will go with them on their route and observe a cop in action.

Wakko: And get free donuts.

Yakko: They could figure that out, Dot would you please read off the assignments?

Dot: Okay, (reads from clipboard) Bob, you will be partnered with Brain and his friends.

Bob: I'm game, where is Mr. Brain?

Yakko: Over there (points to the street where Brain, Pinky, and Billie wait in a squad car).

Brain: Hurry inexperienced limbless officer, I have my rounds to make.

Bob: Talking mice, wow! And I thought my family was weird.

Dot: Toast you'll be partnered with Slappy she's old but very experienced.

(Horn honk)

Slappy: Hey hurry it up, I ain't got long to live ya know.

Wakko: Cranky too.

Dot: Bobcat you can go with our friend Axel, we think you'll like him.

(Just then Axel walks in)

Axel: Dammit some stupid mother(bleep) parked in my space again. If I find that sack of (bleep) I'll shove his head so far up his (bleep) he'll have to unzip his fly to see anything.

Yakko: He's very charming.

Dot: Froggo that leaves you with us.

Wakko: You'll like going with us, sometimes we drive around for hours for no reason.

Yakko: Then we get lunch, and go back to the station.

Dot: And somehow we end up cleaning up the city.

Yakko: Go figure. Head out everybody.

(Scene: The streets, the squad cars are going about there business. Cut to Slappy's car)

Slappy: So after the all this stuff fell on him, we blew the place with a huge load of dynamite, and that's how we defeated D*sney.

Toast: Wow, you are one cool squirrel, despite being old and all.

Slappy: Yeah well being young ain't what it's cracked up to be. You don't know nothing, people are always trying to get you to do drugs, and you have to listen to that terrible rap hooey.

Toast: Hey don't diss rap, there are alot of cool rappers.

Slappy: Did you suffer brain damage? All rap songs are all about guys shooting people or havin' sex with women half their age. In my day we listened to music that didn't hurt your ears and actually had some kind of rhythm. (Pulls over) hold on a minute, I need to stop off at this drug store.

Toast: Are we going to bust up a robbery?

Slappy: Nah, I just need some Pepto-Bismol.

(At Brain's car)

Bob: Wow so you actually helped to stop Rupert Murdoch? I hear he's pretty powerful.

Brain: Well yes to an untrained eye he seems powerful. But to one of my intelligence he was a pushover.

Billie: Excuse me eggy, but I think our friends helped too.

Brain: Yes of course. We couldn't have done it with out the Warner's, Slappy, Axel Foley, and Mr. Magoo, Wonder Woman and a helpful pair of reporters.

Pinky: Don't forget Rocky and Bullwinkle, narf!

Bob: (Laughs) Narf, man that is one funny word.

Brain: This is all I need, two idiots in the car.

(In Axel's car)

Axel: So I've busted all sorts of (bleep)ing criminals. Drug smugglers, con men you name it I've nailed it's (bleep) to the wall (staccato laugh).

Bobcat: I was in Burglar.

Axel: Man you're a washed up fool. Ever since your show on FX was cancelled you ain't nothing anymore.

(Suddenly the radio blares)

Officer: Attention all cars, please report to the Ancient History Museum, a robbery has been reported.

Axel: Holy (bleep)! Hold on to your (bleep) Bobcat we're going in. (He turns around and heads off).

(Meanwhile all of the other cars have received similar bulletins and are on their way)

Wakko: Hurry, Yakko we've got to get to the museum.

Yakko: Relax, someone else will get there to cover for us.

Dot: I think Wakko means that we've got to hurry because it's almost rush hour.

Yakko: In that case, hold on to your butts' sibs (they zoom off)


Pinky: Ooh boy I love A.P.B'S Brain, zort!

Brain: Quiet Pinky I have to drive.

Bob: Relax Brain you'll get there.

Brain: (Ignoring him) Pinky more pedal power.

Pinky: Aye aye Brain, (he pushes on the brake pedal)

(Meanwhile at the drugstore)

Slappy: Okay I got my Pepto plus some other medication, did I miss anything?

Toast: Well some dude on the radio said he wanted all cars to report to some ancient museum for something. I listen for like a minute and then turned on the all rock station. They had this awesome song by Metallica--.

Slappy: Ya yutz that was probably an important call, we'd better get going (she drives off).

(Scene: the Museum, 5 minutes later. A squad car pulls up).

Yakko: Whew! I never thought we'd make it.

Wakko: I told you my shortcut would work.

Dot: Cutting through an alley is not a shortcut.

Wakko: Says you (Dot sticks her tongue out at him).

Yakko: Hey no fighting sibs, let's see what's going on (gestures to car) Froggo come with us, see how real cops work.

(Suddenly another car pulls up)

Brain: Yes! Here we are the end of the line.

Pinky: That was fun Brain can we do it again?

Brain: Maybe later Pinky we have a crime to investigate.

Bob: Can I come?

Brain: Why not this is a training session, come on (they walk in)

(Next Slappy's car pulls in)

Slappy: Well here we are surfer boy the Ancient History Museum, a place where everything is almost as old than I am.

Toast: That was awesome how you jumped those two cars to get here.

Slappy: Those idiots shouldn't have been in my way, c'mon lets go and see what all the fuss is about.

(Finally the last car pulls up)

Axel: Dammit! Everyone else beat me here.

Bobcat: What's wrong with that?

Axel: We have a bet that whoever gets to a crime scene last, has to pay for donuts for everybody else.

Bobcat: Ooh harsh.

Axel: You don't know the half of it. Do you have any idea how many donuts Wakko can pack away? That kid's like a bottomless pit, well c'mon rookie. (They enter)

(Inside the museum, the bespectacled curator seems happy too see the police).

Mr. Johnson: Oh thank goodness you're here.

Yakko: (flashing his badge) Officer Yakko Warner, Burbank police department, what appears to be the problem?

Mr. Johnson: Well my museum has recently been broken into.

Dot: We knew that already.

Yakko: Knock it off. (To Johnson) Any idea as to the identity of the thieves?

Mr. Johnson: No, I got here this morning and noticed that one of the artifacts was missing.

Wakko: (in Joe Friday voice) Just the facts sir.

Mr. Johnson: What are you talking about?

Wakko: Sorry I've just always wanted to do that.

Dot: Can I ask you a question?

Johnson: Okay.

Dot: Am I cute or what?

Johnson: What--yes I guess so.

Dot: Aren't you sweet? (Hops up and kisses him).

Johnson: I say, what type of police are you?

Yakko: The worst kind.

(Suddenly Axel comes in)

Axel: Okay you glasses wearing son of a (bleep) tell us what we want to know or I'll pound your (bleep) face in.

Yakko: Uh Axel.

Axel: Yeah.

Yakko: That's the curator.

Axel: Oh my bad. (Offers his hand) sorry about that sir, names Foley, Axel Foley a Beverly Hills cop (does his staccato laugh).

Slappy: Wrong picture buster.

Yakko: Now then can you tell us what was stolen?

Johnson: Certainly, it was a scepter from 12th century Japan. It's worth about 3 million dollars on the open market.

Yakko: Obviously we've got a band of art thieves on our hands. Wakko, look for clues, Brain, dust for fingerprints, Dot, get me a sandwich. (She hands him a sandwich) Mmm peanut butter, my favorite.

(In another location Brain is trying to use his fingerprint powder)

Brain: Now Pinky hold that steady while I get the brush.

Pinky: (straining) ergh- okay Brain (suddenly he let's it go) oops.

Brain: Pinky! (The powder case falls on him)

Pinky: Gee Brain you look like a snowman, narf!

Brain: Hold still while I hurt you (he chases Pinky around)

Wakko: I found it!

Yakko: You found an important clue?

Dot: You found the plot device?

Slappy: You found a reason for me not to leave?

Wakko: No I found a dime, now I can use the vending machine in the lobby (he rushes off).

Dot: Another gratuitous eating scene? Ugh the author is hitting the bottom of the barrel.

Yakko: I think he has already (to the others) any fingerprints?

Slappy: Sorry Yakko, nothing, cause them stupid mice spilled the powder.

Brain: Pinky spilled it not me.

Yakko: Great there's no evidence, no prints, no nothing. How does Scooby-Doo do it?

Dot: He has excellent detective skills. And good writers.

Yakko: Well we don't have either of those, so now what do we do?

Brain: I recommend checking any fences in the area, the thieves may attempt to pawn off the item.

Bob: Mr. Brain I admire you for your brilliance, but you and I know fences can't talk.

(Brain glares at him angrily) What? What did I say?

Yakko: Brain's got a good point, maybe some low-level thugs know what's going on.

Axel: But where do we find scum like that?

Dot: the D*isney Studios?

Yakko: (shuddering) Were looking for small time crooks. Anyway we had enough trouble with them in our first adventure.

Dot: Sorry I don't know what I was thinking.

Yakko: Okay any ideas gang? (Froggo raises his hand) yes Froggo?

Froggo: Well Yakko a friend of mine runs a café, and his customers have been known to be seedy low-life types.

Yakko: Sounds good to me, let's roll (calls offscreen) Wakko we're going hurry up!

Wakko: (yelling) Coming! (He comes into view with a huge gut) I love vending machines (burps).

( The cars drive down the road)

Yakko: How much farther is your friends' place?

Froggo: Not too much farther, he should be--there (pointing).

(The car stops in front of a small building)

Yakko: "Chit happens" hmm that's catchy.

Dot: Are you sure we can trust this guy?

Froggo: Positive, we go way back (everyone enters).

(Inside is a motley assortment of people, some normal looking, others scarred and muscular. The brown haired, fancy suited owner walks over; who is none other than Chit Chatterson.)

Chit: Well well cops, what did I do? I swear all of my food is approved by the board of Health.

Froggo: Relax Chit, they're with me.

Chit: Froggo, Toast, my old friends from Histeria! What brings you two here?

Froggo: Father Time had us join the police force.

Toast: Yeah he wanted us to be "productive members of society".

Chit: And what fine cops you are can I get you anything? Soup? You guys like soup right? I got the best soup in Burbank and it's yours free of charge.

Yakko: Nice place you've got here, it's like Mos Eisley at happy hour.

Chit: People tell me that all the time.

Yakko: Anyway we were told you might have information.

Chit: I have been known to hear things yes, but it depends, what type of information?

Yakko: The Ancient History Museum was robbed today, do you have any idea who's responsible?

Chit: (grinning) hmm I do seem to remember something about that, but I can't quite recall. Perhaps something green would help my memory.

Wakko: You should try Ginkgo Balobo.

Axel: Man (bleep) this. We don't need this, let's just take this (bleep) downtown.

Yakko: Hold on Axel, we'll play his game (searches his pockets) hmm looks like I'm a little low on cash, can anyone help me out?

(The gang searches their pockets, but little cash is found).

Slappy: I got five bucks, but I'm saving it for my heart medicine.

Wakko: I used all my money up on the vending machines.

Brain: We're mice, we don't even have pockets.

(Everyone looks at Axel)

Axel: What, why are you all looking at me for? Aww (bleep) here take it (he hands Yakko twenty dollars).

Chit: Twenty dollars? That's an insult.

Yakko: Hold on (to the group) Bobcat you must have some money.

Bobcat: But I need it to buy food.

Yakko: Give (he hands Yakko 35 dollars) Here you are Mr. Chatterson, I trust this is satisfactory?

Chit: (grinning and thumbing the money) please call me Chit, now I seem to recall the enforcers of the Dark Hand talking about plotting a caper at the museum.

Yakko: What's the Dark Hand? (Chit holds out his hand, Yakko sighs and puts more money on his palm).

Chit: The Dark Hand is a powerful criminal syndicate that operates here in California. Their boss, Valmont supposedly has a thing for ancient Japanese artifacts.

Slappy: Where can we find these Dark Hand yutzes?

(Suddenly the door to the café is smashed open)

Chit: I'd say right behind you.

(In the doorway are 4 men; one is tall and has odd shaped red hair, the second is lanky also has red hair, and wears a leisure suit. The third wears black clothes, and odd shaped orange sunglasses and the fourth has sickly green skin and a Band-Aid on his nose).

1st man: Chatterson, we have come to silence you!

2nd man: Yeah the boss warned you what would happen if you trued to squeal to the cops.

Chit: (Hiding behind Yakko) You guys got to help me, I should have known the Dark Hand would try to kill me for what I knew.

Yakko: Quite a brave guy aren't you? Don't worry we'll take care of these B-movie Kung-fu rejects.

2nd man: Yeah and who or what do you think you are?

Yakko: I'm Yakko.

Wakko: I'm Wakko.

Dot: And I'm cute.

Together: And we are the Warners, officers of the law.

4th man: You guys are cops, you've got to be kidding.

3rd guy: And are the mice and the gray squirrel cops too?

(The enforcers laugh)

1st guy: They'll let any idiot join the police force nowadays. Look, let us have Chatterson and we'll spare your lives.

2nd guy: If this is the best Burbank has to offer, we shouldn't have to worry (laughs).

Dot: Big talk from a guy who dresses like an extra from Staying Alive.

2nd guy: Oh that's it you cops are dead (he pulls out a pair of nunchukae) Prepare for a beating (he rushes forward an aims at Yakko, but he sidesteps it).

Yakko: You're pretty good with those, can I see 'em?

2nd guy: No.

Yakko: Too bad, (he grabs the 'chucks' and spins them around knocking the guy into a table, as his friends look on dumbfounded).

4th guy: That little kid creamed Finn.

3rd guy: C'mon Ratso let's get 'em.

Ratso: I'm with you Chow.

(The 2 enforcers charge forward).

Slappy: I think I can handle these losers.

Chow: An old squirrel? I'll lay you flat (he aims a punch but Slappy blocks it) huh? (He aims again but she catches it).

Slappy: More agile than you thought huh? (She promptly socks him in the jaw).

(Meanwhile Ratso is cornering Wakko)

Ratso: I don't know how your buddy creamed Finn, but you won't be so lucky (he tries to grab him, but he misses) Huh where'd he go? (Wakko appears behind him and taps him on the shoulder) what the?

Wakko: Ahh the old "get behind him" gag, it never fails (he pulls out a mallet and squashes the enforcer into a circle)

Chow: Oh man that kid just hit Ratso with a mallet.

(Finn gets up from a table)

Finn: What? Hit him with a mallet, what kind of nuts are we dealing with?

Slappy: We ain't nuts, we're just toons.

Axel: Screw this it's time for action (he punches Chow sending the enforcer flying into Finn).

(Meanwhile Ratso has regained his normal shape)

Ratso: Wow I got squashed with a mallet and I'm still alive amazing!

Axel: Not as amazing as this you mother (bleep)! (He punches Ratso and sends him flying into a table).

Bob: Good one Mr. Foley!

(Meanwhile the final enforcer, Hak Foo, has been watching all the carnage)

Hak Foo: Clever you strange police, but you will find you are no match for my skills (he jumps up and prepares to kick) striking crane kick!

(The Warner see him and side step)

Hak Foo: Blast you! (He assumes a martial arts stance then shoots out his arm) Monkey plucks two peaches!

Wakko: What the-?

Yakko: I think those are the names of the moves he's performing.

Dot: That's stupid.

Hak Foo: (lunges at Warners and attempts to hit them with his arm) Mantis extends claw!

Slappy: Hey weirdo I got a move for ya. It's called "old cranky squirrel shoves dynamite down yutz's pants (she stuffs a large load of TNT in his pants).

Hak Foo: Huh? (Suddenly the dynamite explodes sending the powerful fiend out through the wall. The other enforcers stare on in silence).

Ratso: Uh Finn maybe we'd better get out of here.

Finn: Good idea, the boss doesn't need to hear about this. (They run out)

Pinky: And stay out you---nasty type people.

Brain: I couldn't have put it any better myself.

(Chit meanwhile is hanging on Yakko's leg)

Chit: Oh thank you, thank you, you guys saved my life. Just for that you can come here any time for free chili, or donuts, you cops like donuts don't you?

Yakko: Get off me! Jeez there's nothing worse than a suck up.

Wakko: Except for maybe a FOX executive.

Yakko: That is so true, anyway gang I think that now this Dark Hand group knows we're out there and these guys will probably be back.

Slappy: If those losers are the best the Dark Hand has then I don't think they'll be much of a threat.

Wakko: No Yakko's right, those guys won't make the same mistake next time.

Yakko: Everybody I think it's time we head back to the station and learn a little bit more about this Dark Hand, and maybe why they robbed the museum.

Brain: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go (they all exit, Chit gets up from the floor)

Chit: (waving) Bye do come back again, and Froggo don't be a stranger, stop by sometime. Such nice cops, weird, but nice.

(Cut to the police station, the gang is in Chief Winslow's office).

Winslow: And you believe the robbery at the museum is somehow tied to the Dark Hand syndicate?

Yakko: Yes sir, we have substantial proof that they committed the robbery. We thought if we used the computer we could find out more info about the group.

Winslow: Well from what I've heard the Dark Hand is very powerful, but if you bring them down it could be great for our image. Very well you may use the computer.

Yakko: Oh thank you sir, you won't regret this.

Winslow: I hope not (they salute and the gang leaves)

Wakko: Do you think this will work?

Brain: Absolutely the police computer has files on every criminal in the city. If anything can help us it can.

(They approach the computer room and open the door. Inside is one normal looking computer).

Billie: Well it looks like a plain ordinary computer to me.

Yakko: Maybe but it's supposed to be very powerful (he turns it on).

Computer Voice: Hello welcome to the Burbank police department central computer, please enter password.

Yakko: Password?

Brain: Out of my way, I'll handle this (he types something into the computer)

Voice: Password accepted, welcome.

Wakko: Wow Brain how'd you know the password?

Brain: I figured that it would be Caps, in memory of Captain Caps our first boss.

Yakko: Good work, now check on the Dark Hand.

Brain: Right (he keys in the words)

Voice: Searching, file found (file contents are displayed).

Yakko: Man the chief wasn't kidding these are hardcore criminals.

Wakko: Smuggling, drug running, they're doing it all.

Yakko: Wait here's something.

Dot: What is it?

Yakko: It says here a---Jackie Chan has repeatedly defeated the Dark Hand.

(All gasp)

Slappy: Is that martial arts guy in all those badly dubbed movies?

Toast: Excellent he is awesome! I loved Rush Hour!

Wakko: Why would an action star fight crime on the side?

Yakko: Beats me, why is Steven Segal still an action star? Now that's a crime.

Pinky: Egad! Jackie Chan, oh can I meet him Brain please?

Brain: Don't get your hopes up Pinky, it's not the movie star, according to the computer it's an archeologist with the same name.

Yakko: Do we have an address.

Brain: Hmm it says that he lives in his Uncle's antique shop in Chinatown.

Yakko: Okay everybody, let's pay a visit to this Jackie Chan, he may be able to help us figure out what the Dark Hand wants with this scepter.

Toast: Road trip!

(The gang piles out)

Pinky: Oh well I hope he'll still sign my autograph book, troz!

(Meanwhile back at the Dark Hand's headquarters, the enforcers are reporting back to their boss Valmont, a man with a white ponytail, light green suit, and a bad temper.)

Valmont: So you're positive you finished of Chatterson?

Finn: (Nervously) Oh yeah boss he's dead

Ratso: (Nervously) Yeah, dead boss, he can't get any deader than he is now.

Chow: Nope, he's definitely dead.

Valmont: Really because I just called his place 5 minutes ago and he seemed pretty alive to me.

Finn: We tried to ice him boss, really, but these weird cops--.

Valmont: (Angrily) you mean you failed?

Ratso: Wait I thought you said you knew he was alive?

Valmont: That was a trick to see if you had failed, which obviously you have. Now explain to me how my 4 strongest men couldn't kill one café owner?

Finn: Well see boss there were these cops see, and they really weird looking--.

Chow: And they had mallets and dynamite and the old squirrel and--.

Ratso: They hit me with a mallet and I'm still alive. That's not right!

Valmont: Let me see if I understand this, you were beaten by a bunch of cops?

Ratso: These weren't ordinary cops' boss, three of 'em looked like mimes.

Finn: Also there were some mice, and an old squirrel and a few others.

Valmont: You men must have gotten hit harder than I thought are you trying to tell me that a bunch of mice and a squirrel beat you up?

Finn: You forgot the puppy children boss.

Valmont: How dumb do you think I am? How dare you concoct such an outrageous story why I should--!

Chow: We ain't lying boss really.

Valmont: Well how else do you explain your weird claims? (Thinks for a minute) Wait I have heard that the Burbank precinct has hired some toon cops, perhaps that's who beat you up.

Ratso: That would explain a lot.

Valmont: If that's true nothing we have can stop them, so how can we possibly fight them? (Suddenly Valmont's eyes turn red, the evil dragon Shendu, who shares his body, has come forth).

Shendu: It appears as though you have run into a little bit of trouble Valmont, I expected nothing less. However I have the solution to your problem, in order to combat toons, one must have toons of their own.

Finn: That could work.

Valmont: (normal again) And where do you propose I find those Shendu?

Shendu: Contact all the criminals you can find you'll need extra help to defeat these police. I will not have this plan fail, I've spent too long orchestrating it. You will defeat the cops Valmont or we are both finished! (With that his spirit subsides and Valmont is back to normal again).

Valmont: Just don't stand there you idiots, you heard Shendu, contact every mercenary you can, preferably toon.

All: Yes sir (they exit).

Valmont: I must say I look forward to meeting these new cops. It's always fun to meet your enemy before you crush them (he balls his fist and laughs maniacally).

(Elsewhere, the final group of major players in this story are gathered in a small antiques shop in Chinatown. Inside is a young, 11-year old girl named Jade, an adventurous tomboy and niece of Jackie Chan.)

Jade: Aww come on Jackie, why do you have to go to the museum? Can't you stay here? What'll happen if the Dark Hand attacks?

Jackie: I'm sorry Jade. But I have to deal with all archeological matters, they need me to help possibly identify the thieves.

Jade: But it'll be boring without you.

Jackie: Nonsense you can watch t.v. like you always do. Besides Uncle and Tohru will be here to keep you company.

Jade: That's the problem.

(Just then Jackie's Uncle, the shops' owner walks in).

Uncle: Jackie if you are going to the museum stop off at the grocery store, I need more mung beans.

Jackie: I will try Uncle.

Uncle: One more thing, tell Jade I don't want her television volume up to loud, I am trying to concentrate.

Jackie: Why don't you tell her?

Uncle: She doesn't listen to me.

(Outside several cop cars pull up)

Yakko: (looks at a piece of paper) Well this is the place

Axel: What a (bleep)ing dump!

Yakko: Aaaaaah Brain are you sure this is the right place?

Brain: Positive, I printed out the address didn't I?

Yakko: Okay, someone knock on the door (Wakko walks over and knocks)

Uncle: Ah, someone is at the door.

Jade: I'll get it (she walks over and opens the door, there, of course, is Wakko).

Wakko: Hi is Jackie Chan here?

Jade: Whoa a talking--whatever, this can't be real (she rubs her eyes, but when she opens them he's still there). Nope he's still there this must be real.

Wakko: Umm excuse me miss but we're with the Burbank police is a Mr. Jackie Chan here?

Jade: Hold on one second (she rushes into the house) Jackie there's a weird mime like guy outside who says he's a cop and he's looking for you.

Jackie: Mime? Jade you've been watching too much t.v.

Jade: But really he has white skin and--

Uncle: What! Did you say he's a cop?

Jade: Yes duh!

Uncle: I told those cops not to come around here anymore (he storms off to the door).

Jackie: Uncle please don't make a scene.

Uncle: Look officer it's like I told you last time, my herbal teas are perfectly legal, there are no illegal substances in them whatsoever (He reaches the door and stares down at Wakko).

Wakko: Hi.

Uncle: (screams) A demon! (He runs into the store).

Yakko: Nice going Wakko that makes the 3rd person you've scared this month.

Dot: And that insurance salesman seemed so nice.

(Inside Uncle rushes into the back)

Jackie: Uncle what is it?

Uncle: Do not bother me, I must create a chi spell to ward off the evil demons on our doorstep.

Jackie: Uncle there are no demons on our doorstep I will prove it (he goes outside).

Yakko: Finally, are you Jackie Chan?

Jackie: (assumes a fighting stance) Stay back demons or whatever you are.

Yakko: Demons?

Wakko: He thinks we're demons.

Dot: I'm offended, I'm cute, not a demon.

Slappy: We're not demon's ya yutz, let us in and we'll explain everything.

Jackie: A talking squirrel? Well I don't know who or what you are but please come in.

(Everyone enters, as Jackie comments)

Jackie: Three little puppy dogs, three mice, a talking squirrel, and a guy with no limbs. Uncle's going to have a heart attack.

(In the back room Uncle and Tohru, former Dark Hand enforcer turned apprentice, are mixing a chi spell).

Uncle: Hurry Tohru, there is no telling how soon those demons will get in here.

Tohru: Are you positive they are demons sensei?

Uncle: Of course I am, they had white faces and red noses and didn't look like anything I have ever seen before (as he speaks Jackie and crew enter) Oh hello Jackie I'm almost-- (he sees the Warners) yaaah! (He rushes up to them and sprinkles a potion on them). Be gone evil spirits.

Yakko: This better not be mousse, I like my hair the way it is.

Dot: Hey does this stuff remove wrinkles?

Yakko: I didn't think you had wrinkles.

Dot: I don't but a girl has always got to be prepared.

(Jackie meanwhile is trying to restrain his Uncle)

Jackie: Please Uncle they're not demons, they're on my side if you'd give them a chance to explain.

Uncle: Very well, but they had better not be fooling us or I will hit them with my most powerful spell yet.

Yakko: Jeez dumber than advertised.

Tohru: These are the so-called demons? I think they are adorable.

Wakko: Wow a real life sumo-wrestler type guy!

Yakko: Hey can we bounce on your belly?

Tohru: Uh--?

(Before he can respond the Warners are already bouncing up and down)

All: Boingy, boingy, boingy.

Tohru: Uh sensei?

Uncle: Ahh! Get off Tohru this instant, he is not a beanbag chair!

(Brain meanwhile is inspecting Uncle's books)

Pinky: Whatch'a doing Brain?

Brain: Studying these ancient tomes, perhaps the knowledge within will be useful for my pursuits.

Billie: What Eggy?

Brain: (sighs) The stuff in the book may help me take over the world.

(Uncle however sees them)

Uncle: Hey you talking mice in uniforms get away from my books. They are for humans not for mice (he begins to chase them)

Pinky: Eep, zort!

Brain: Aaah!

Jackie: (surveying everything and sighing) It's going to be a long day.

(Cut to the Dark Hand headquarters where the hired help is being introduced to Valmont).

Finn: Okay boss we communicated with every one we could and this is everybody who responded, I hope you like them. (Valmont waves his hand as if to say, "continue"). Right um first up Miss Vanessa Barone, thief, mercenary and fortune hunter.

(An attractive lady, with a blond ponytail and long red jacket, steps forward).

Vanessa: Greetings Mr. Valmont, I heard your organization has had run ins with Jackie Chan.

Valmont: So?

Vanessa: So have I and I want revenge. I'm well equipped to handle these cops. I'm good with a bullwhip and proficient in many small arms.

Valmont: (smiling) I like her, she'll do fine (to Finn) who's next?

Finn: Next is a pair of mercenaries who have operated all over the world (in step a tall lanky man, with a peg leg and fatigues. Next to him is a short fat man with rectangle glasses).

Kip: Hello I'm Kip O'Donnell and this is my associate Neil Biederman. We usually work as poachers but we're prepared to handle your job for a fair price.

Valmont: Very well, next?

Ratso: These guys hail from someplace called (looks at a slip of paper) Nearburg. They're a bunch of punk dogs called the Greasers.

(The 3 Greaser dogs from CatDog step in)

Cliff: Yo we'll pound these cops into mincemeat.

(Eddie the squirrel pops up from behind)

Eddie: Yeah Cliff, yeah mincemeat, we'll show them.

Valmont: Good, next?

Finn: Next up is a really, really small guy (he hands him a magnifying glass. Valmont peers through it to see a tiny one-eyed little creature).

Plankton: Greetings, I am Plankton, master of undersea evil. I have been promised the recipe for a Krabby Patty and rule of the seas if I help you.

Valmont: (angrily) Finn what have you been saying?

Finn: (nervously and quickly) And finally a little (finger quoting) human kid, ZIM.

(ZIM enters).

ZIM: Greetings human, I will lend my advanced technology toward you goal.

GIR: I like pizza.

Valmont: These were the best hirelings you could find?

Ratso: It was short notice boss.

(Suddenly Valmont is taken over by Shendu)

Shendu: Attention gathered villains, you have been assembled to serve as extra help to make sure our plan succeeds. If you help us you will be well rewarded for your services, are you with me?

(All the villains cheer)

Shendu: Excellent, now I must retrieve the final element of my plan. (Instantly a bunch of shadows transform into the Shadowkhan, Shendu's elite ninja warriors). Go forth my warriors and obtain for me the tome that contains the incantation I need. (The ninjas bow and disappear).

Eddie: Wow that was cool, wasn't that cool Cliff? That was great how they disap--.

(Cliff puts him in a headlock)

Cliff: Shut up ya idiot, I don't even know why we brought you along. If it weren't for the fact that you wanted to be a Greaser so bad--.

Valmont: (Normal now) Quiet fool, (thinking) I hope Shendu's plan doesn't get Jackie Chan involved. Still it would be interesting to see how these guys handle him. Maybe we'll finally win for once)

(Cut to Uncle's Antique shop, Wakko is running around wildly while Yakko talks with Jackie).

Jackie: So let me see if I understand this, you guys are cops, and you're investigating a robbery committed by the Dark Hand?

Yakko: That's right.

Jade: Well you guys came to the right place, nobody's creamed the Dark Hand more times than Jackie. He'll be glad to help you stop them.

Jade: Please Jade don't speak for me. (To Yakko) Still I will do whatever I can to help you.

Yakko: Thanks a bunch Mr. Chan.

(Wakko suddenly stops)

Wakko: Say did you do all your own horse riding in Shanghai Noon?

Jackie: What?

Dot: Yeah and how could you stand to work with that annoying Chris Tucker in both Rush Hour movies?

Jackie: I don't know what you're talking about, you must have me mistaken for someone else.

Yakko: (sarcastically) Right Mr. Chan (he winks to his siblings).

(Suddenly Uncle comes out from another room)

Uncle: Everyone come in here.

(They all enter)

Jackie: What's up Uncle.

Uncle: Working with the incredibly smart mouse we have found the scepter that was stolen.

Yakko: If it was stolen how could you find it?

Dot: Yeah.

Brain: We mean a description of it you buffoons.

Yakko: We know we were just teasing.

Uncle: Here it is (He holds up a book)

Jackie: (reading) The Scepter of Chong-Ho. So what's so special about it?

Uncle: Well rumor had it that when the scepter was connected to another artifact it could open rifts in time and space. Apparently Chong-Ho used it to rid his kingdom of evil spirits.

Jackie: Well what does it say about the other artifact?

Uncle: I'm afraid it's bad news.

Jackie: What is it?

Uncle: The other artifact was the Panku box.

Jackie: (gasps) No wonder they wanted the scepter.

Slappy: (to Jade) What's this box thingy?

Jade: A really nasty magic device used to open demon portals.

Slappy: Demon portals? Just the sound of it makes my flesh crawl, or maybe that's my rash.

Dot: Eww gross!

Yakko: Thanks for sharing.

Uncle: One more thing. It says here that if the scepter was used from a high enough position it could open multiple rifts.

Tohru: Then they must be planning to free all of Shendus siblings at once.

Yakko: Aaaaah, who's this Shendu fella?

Jade: A really nasty dragon monster.

Slappy: Demons, dragons, jeez it's like a freaking myth in here.

Pinky: I'm scared Brain.

Brain: There's nothing to fear Pinky, in order for the scepter to open a rift, a special spell must be read, and Mr. Uncle here assures me that he has the book which contains the spell safely here in his shop.

Uncle: Correct Brain, the ancient tome will be well protected here.

(Suddenly the door is busted open and the Shadowkhan enter)

Axel: Holy (bleep)! More ninjas.

Yakko: Oh we just faced ninjas when we went up against Judge Doom 3 months ago.

Jackie: These are no ordinary ninjas, these are the Shadowkhan, Shendu's evil warriors.

Yakko: Great, well give them our regards (turns to rookies) Okay recruits you want to become cops? Then attack those ninjas.

Froggo: But won't they hurt us?

Yakko: Nah you guys have plenty of training you can handle em.

Toast: I'm game let's go dudes! (He rushes forward)

Bob: Wait for me Toast! (He hops forward, Froggo shrugs his shoulders and goes forward, and Bobcat is pushed into the fray).

Yakko: Ahh this is truly one of the perks of training rookies.

Dot: You do know they don't stand a chance?

Yakko: Don't be so sure, after all we trained them.

Wakko: See Dot's point?

Yakko: Oh yeah, I guess they're screwed.

(Meanwhile the fighting is fierce, Jackie is dodging kicks and punches from the ninjas left and right and countering with his own moves. He successfully slams one against a table, and throws one into another)

Toast: Okay ninja man let's dance! (The Shadowkhan promptly kicks him and sends him flying into the wall) (Dazed) And now for Kenny G's greatest hits (faints).

Bobcat: Um please don't hurt me okay ninja man? (About a half dozen Shadowkhan jump on him and begin beating him up).

Bob: Way to go Bobcat, using yourself as bait to lure them all into one place.

Froggo: Now Mr. Chan can finish them.

(Jackie performs a flying leap and knocks the ninjas off of him)

Bobcat: Thank you mommy (he falls unconscious)

(Meanwhile one ninja recovers and attacks Jackie. He dodges his moves and kicks him against the wall. But another comes up behind him and holds him.)

Jade: Take this! (She smashed a vase on the warrior's head).

Jackie: Jade get to safety!

Jade: Aww I never get to help (she walks off).

(Jackie now flips the unconscious ninja into another 2 but they seem to keep coming.)

Slappy: Looks like Chan is done for.

Uncle: Patience cranky squirrel I am working as fast as I can (he and Tohru are by a pot, Uncle is stirring and Tohru is adding in ingredients) Hurry we need chi spell!

Tohru: This cannot be rushed sensei.

Jackie: Hurry Uncle (as the warriors surround him) Oh bad day, bad day, (suddenly 2 of them are quickly felled) What the--? (As the bodies fall he can see that his rescuer is the beautiful ex-thief known simply as Viper). Viper?

Viper: Hi Jackie, happy to see me?

Jackie: (stuttering) Well yes, but what are you doing here?

Viper: I decided to stop by for a visit, looks like I picked a good time too. Need some help?

Jackie: You know it.

(The two allies soon are thrashing the evil warriors)

Jade: Yeah go Jackie, go Viper.

Yakko & Wakko: Helloooo nurse!

Dot: Boys, go fig.

Pinky: Who's the lady Brain?

Brain: I haven't the slightest clue.

Billie: I like her moves, I wonder if she can teach me that.

Slappy: Bah if I looked like her I wouldn't need karate moves. Besides give me good old ACME dynamite anyday of the week.

(The two allies continue fighting until Uncle comes out)

Uncle: It's done I have chi spell.

Both: Use it!

Uncle: Right (he begins chanting, suddenly the Shadowkhan dissolve into nothing)

Yakko: Well that was close, but why didn't he use that before?

Wakko: It's the last minute save, it's a typical cartoon trick.

Jackie: Well at least the Shadowkhan are defeated and nothing bad happened.

(Suddenly Uncle screams from the back room)

Jackie: Uncle what's wrong?

Uncle: Aaaiyah! The book with the incantation, it has been stolen! (Everyone looks at the table; sure enough the book is gone).

Jackie: Someone must have snatched it while we were distracted.

Slappy: No duh Sherlock, you got a brain to go with those moves.

Uncle: Stop fighting we must find the book before tonight.

Yakko: Or what?

Uncle: Or the world as we know it will be overrun by demons (lightning flashes, Pinky grabs onto Brain who does not look pleased).

Wakko: Faboo special effects.

Yakko: But how do we find it? We don't even know where the Dark Hand's base is.

Viper: Don't worry I'll find it.

Everyone: Whaaat!

Wakko: What'cha talkin bout Viper?

Jackie: Yes what do you mean.

Viper: You remember that I used to be a thief, there wasn't a place that I couldn't break into. But I always scouted the place first, so I'm sure that if I look around town I'll find their base.

Jackie: But that could be dangerous, you don't even know where to start.

Viper: No I don't, but if someone doesn't try then we and the entire world are doomed (as she speaks the Warners hum the National Anthem) please stop that.

Yakko: Sorry.

Viper: I'll look around for clues to their whereabouts, and call you guys when I find anything. See you later (she exits).

Jackie: Bye.

Yakko: Eh, call me crazy but I don't think she's coming back.

Dot: There goes one brave lady.

Wakko: Yeah (pauses) Okay who wants to watch "Wakko's Wish"

Slappy: Ah Jeez not that movie again I can't believe I even did a part in that thing.

Uncle: Perhaps the cranky squirrel would like to play Bingo?

Slappy: Now your speaking my language ya old Chinese stereotype.

(They head in the back room).

Dot: Now what do we do?

Wakko: Break stuff?

Yakko: Nah, let's do some gags on Jackie.

All: Yeah!

(The Warners quickly begin the "behind you" gag on Jackie, as Jade sits by laughing).

Jackie: What? What are you-- stop!

(Scene about 10 minutes later, Viper is still walking around the backways of town with no luck).

Viper: (sighs) What the hell was I thinking? There's no way I can find the Dark Hand's base in this city. I just wish I had some clue.

(Suddenly she spies trouble at a local 7-11)

Viper: Hmm what's going on there?

(When she arrives, she sees three of the Enforcers, plus Lube of the Greasers coming out with food).

Viper: Bingo.

Finn: (Who is holding a Slim Jim) Hurry up we gotta get back, just forget the Big Gulps. (Takes a bite) Mmm I love beef jerky.

Ratso: But we're here now, I mean when are we gonna do this again?

Finn: Fine but hurry up.

Lube: Duh I like chips and uh-- chips.

(After Ratso exits with 5, yes 5, Big Gulps the villains pile into a car and drive off).

Viper: I've got to follow them (sees a cab) taxi over here! (The cab stops).

Cabbie: Where too ma'am?

Viper: Follow that car.

Cabbie: Okay.

(After an expanse of about 5 minutes the cab pulls up to the dockside).

Viper: Thank you (she rushes off).

Cabbie: (turns to camera) Well there's my obligatory cameo in the film. I'm going to collect my pay now.

(Viper moves silently to a large warehouse in the middle of the docks)

Viper: This must be the place (she peers inside, gathered together are the villains).

Shendu: The time of my brethren's' rebirth is at hand. Tonight we will head to the t.v. station, from there I will be able to free my siblings from limbo!

(The villains cheer)

Viper: I'd better tell Jackie (she takes out a cell phone and dials).

(Back at Uncle's shop several members of the gang are playing Bingo!)

Tohru: G7.

Slappy: Bingo! Ha I win again.

Uncle: Ahh! How does old squirrel keep beating me?

Slappy: Let's just say I got a gift, like the fact I play this game like 3 times a week.

Uncle: You remind Uncle of himself.

Slappy: Whoa don't even go there, first off I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this. Second of all you're the most annoying old man I've ever met, and I know Willard Scott.

Uncle: Annoying? How dare you! I use ancient martial arts on you.

Slappy: Bring it on old man, I've watched every episode of Martial Law

(Suddenly the phone rings)

Slappy: You're lucky old man.

Yakko: I'll get it.

Dot: No I'll get it.

Wakko: I want to get it.

(Before they can move forward Jackie picks it up).

Wakko: I never get to get it.

Jackie: Hello?

Voice: Jackie it's me.

Jackie: Viper, where are you?

Viper: I found the Dark Hand's base it's an old warehouse by the docks. But there's more they're planning on heading to some t.v. station tonight to carry out their plan.

Jackie: What are you taking about, what station?

Viper: No time to explain I'll be there as soon as I can bye. (As she hangs up, a sudden burst knocks the phone from her hands). What the? (She looks up to see Vanessa looming over her).

Vanessa: So looks like we have a little spy out here.

Viper: Your powers of deduction are remarkable (suddenly she jumps forward and launches a kick, Vanessa ducks and counters with a kick of her own, which Viper promptly dodges). You're good.

Vanessa: Likewise, I've never met a worthy rival before allow me to introduce myself, Vanessa Barone, mercenary and thief. And you are?

Viper: The name's Viper and I've heard of you.

Vanessa: I'm glad to hear my reputation has preceded me.

Viper: Don't be too impressed, nothing I heard was good. Look I was a thief once, take it from me, It isn't worth it go into a new line of work.

Vanessa: Thanks for the tip, now let me give you one, watch your back! (She shoots out her whip and grabs Viper's wrist) Got you!

Viper: Guess again (Viper pulls on the whip slamming Vanessa into her waiting arm, then she trips her) Not so cocky now are you?

Vanessa: Why you! (9she launches a karate chop, which is quickly deflected by Viper. The women continue to trade blows, neither coming close to taking the other out.)

Viper: You may be a creep, but I respect your skills. You are a formidable foe.

Vanessa: Thanks, although I have been known to cheat! (She pulls a stun gun from her coat and zaps Viper, who promptly falls unconscious. Suddenly Kip and Biederman come outside.)

Kip: Is everything okay out here? Valmont thought you might be in some trouble.

Vanessa: I'm fine (she points to Viper) take her inside, so we can decide how to deal with her.

(The villains nod and drag away Viper's limp form)

(Scene: about 10 minutes later, the crew inside the antique shop in waiting impatiently).

Jackie: Where is she? It couldn't possibly take her that long to get back here.

Yakko: Something tells me Viper has met with foul play.

Jade: Don't even say that, it can't be possible!

Slappy: Well one things for sure, we can't stand around here all day, we gotta stop those guys from raisin' them demons.

Yakko: Slappy's right, we gotta do something.

Jackie: What about Viper?

Yakko: We'll split up, rookies.

Bob: Yes Yakko?

Yakko: You guys go to the warehouse and find out what happened to Viper, the rest of us will head to the tv. Station and stop the Dark Hand.

Bob: We won't let you down Yakko.

Toast: We won't?

Wakko: Then what are we waiting for? (Point his finger up dramatically) to the t.v station! Wow I never thought I'd say that again.

Dot: It feels good to hear it.

(They rush out to their cars)

Jade: Jackie can I come?

All: No!

Jade: Aww (spies one car) well I can always go in the trunk.

(At the rookie car)

Bobcat: I'll drive.

Froggo: Okay but no driving like a nut again, you almost got us killed last time.

Bob: And please don't flip any drivers the bird.

Bobcat: You guys are so strict.

(They drive off)

(Scene: Some time after the cops leave, at the Dark Hand base. Only Vanessa, Kip and Biederman are left. They are looking at Viper, who is tied to a chair and gagged).

Vanessa: Well the others have left us here to dispose of the prisoner.

Kip: And how do you propose we do that?

Vanessa: Beats me, I'm going to head off to the studio too. My only regret is that I won't be here to witness the death of my worthy rival. (Pauses) Oh well I'll get over it (she laughs and begins to walk out).

Kip: What about us?

Vanessa: There's still one car left, after you dispose of the woman come follow me (she leaves).

Kip: (sighs) Very well, Biederman!

Biederman: You called boss?

Kip: Get me a tub and a bag of cement, we'll send this lady to sleep with the fishes. (He glares at her) would you like that my dear? (Viper mumbles a response under her gag), Yes I thought so.

(However, by now the rookies have shown up)

Froggo: Wow Bobcat could you have driven any more recklessly?

Bobcat: Well maybe if I were drunk--

Froggo: That was a rhetorical question you moron!

Bob: Shh! We're here, let's see what's happening.

(The rookies sneak over to the window and peer within)

Bob: I see Miss Viper tied to a chair, with an ugly, skinny man no doubt planning to do something evil to her.

Bobcat: There's something (he points to Biederman, who has just returned).

Biederman: There you go boss, one tub (sets it down) and one extra strength bag of cement (he takes it off his shoulders, a rather difficult task, and plops it down).

Kip: Excellent, (he takes the tub and puts Viper's feet in it, despite her struggles) Cease your struggles woman, it'll all be over soon, (to Biederman) pour in the cement you idiot!

Biederman: Right boss.

Froggo: Looks like there gonna give Viper a pair of cement shoes.

Bob: We've got to stop them!

Toast: Yeah but how dude?

Bob: Hmm, I just thought of a plan.

Froggo: I don't like the sound of this.

(Inside Biederman is about to pour the cement)

Biederman: Don't worry lady it'll dry pretty fast (he laughs, while Viper struggles and makes muffed protests).

(Suddenly there is a knock on the door)

Kip: What the-- who could that be? Get the door you fool!

Biederman: Y-y-yes boss (he walks over and opens it, outside is Toast, in a pizza guy uniform).

Toast: Uhh pizza delivery dude.

Biederman: It's just a pizza guy boss.

Kip: What? Did you order a pizza?

Biederman: I don't think so, but then I have been known to order food in my sleep. Once I--.

Kip: Get rid of 'im!

Biederman: Right. (To Toast) sorry we're kind of busy here (lowers his voice) but can you come back later?

Toast: I don't know dude, this pizza only stays warm for a while. Check it out (he opens the box).

Biederman: (smelling) Mmm that’s good.

Toast: Really, than it's yours! (He slams the pizza in his face, then pushes the door open).

Kip: What the! It's an ambush! (He picks up a rifle).

Bobcat: Freeze dirtbag (he points a pistol at him).

Kip: Take one-step closer and I'll blow the girl's head off! (He goes near Viper and points his rifle at her head, she makes louder muffled protests).

(Bobcat, drops the pistol, but Toast suddenly gabs Bob)

Bob: Hey!

Toast: Catch dude! (He hurls Bob like a javelin, slamming Kip in the gut who promptly drops his gun).

Bob: Good work Toast.

(Froggo quickly unties Viper)

Viper: (Rubbing her wrists) Thanks guys, I was almost sleeping with the fishes.

Bob: No problem miss Viper, so what's our next move?

Viper: We get to the t.v. station and help everybody else, there's a car outside, I'll take 2 of you, the other 2 take those villains with them.

Froggo: I'll go with Viper.

Toast: Ditto dude.

Bob: Alright then it's settled, Bobcat grab those 2 crooks and let's head out.

Bobcat: Okay (he slings the prone villains over his shoulder and everyone leaves).

(Scene: Some local television station, 3 squad cars pull up).

Yakko: Well this is the place, let's go.

(Everyone begins to run forward)

Dot: Do you think there'll be someone to stop us?

Yakko: Probably, we haven't fought ninjas or anything in a while. In fact I'd expect the standard issue baddie to come out, right about--.

(Suddenly the ground shakes and a huge robot pops up).

Yakko: Now.

Axel: Holy (bleep)! What the (bleep) is that thing?

(From inside the robot we can see, ZIM, GIR, and Plankton at the controls).

ZIM: (laughing) Surrender now pitiful earth cops or face the wrath of my Irkian battle droid.

Wakko: Another giant robot? Didn't we have to deal with one of those when we fought Stewie? (In Warner Academy 2, a good read I might add).

Plankton: According to this manuscript, signed at the end of the original, all future Warner Academy stories are required to have at least one giant robot.

Yakko: I knew we shouldn't have signed that.

Dot: But we did get that football phone.

Wakko: And remember kids you can get one too for only $19.95. (A football phone pops up with the price above it).

Yakko: You were warned about doing that.

Wakko: Sorry, I got carried away.

Brain: You guys go ahead, we'll handle this loser.

Yakko: Right, good luck (they rush off).

Brain: Okay Martian boy, only one person can conquer the world here and that's me! Pinky, activate the portable robot.

Pinky: Right Brain troz! (He sets down a metal thing and pushes a button on it. It instantly unfolds into a giant robot.)

Brain: Take your positions (he, Pinky and Billie hop in).

Plankton: (sarcastically) Oooh another robot we're so scared.

Brain: Prepare to be amazed.

(Meanwhile inside, the cope are rushing down the hallway)

Slappy: Jeez how much farther is the roof? My corns are actin' up.

Dot: We're only on the first floor, we need to find the elevator.

Wakko: (pointing up ahead) There it is!

(Just then Cliff and his Greasers appear).

Cliff: Yo, you cops ain't going nowhere, if you want to get to the top, you gotta get past us.

Yakko: (to others) Jackie you and the others go ahead, Slappy and my sibs can handle these dorks.

Axel: Excuse me but the others is me and (bleep)in' Chan!

Jackie: Let's just go, we have to save the world.

Axel: I'm getting too old for this (bleep).

Yakko: Well there's our Lethal Weapon reference.

Dot: (Sighs) Mel Gibson (little hearts surround her head).

Wakko: Careful what you say around her.

Yakko: Ohh yeah.

Cliff: Hey enough talk, let's see what you got. Shriek, get the annoyingly cute one.

Dot: Hey, I'm absurdly cute at best.

Shriek: You won't be cute at all when I'm done wit' ya.

Dot: I don't like to fight--so I'll let my pet do it. (She pulls out a box and out pops a monster).

Shriek: Ahh! (She runs off and bumps into Cliff).

Cliff: (looks down) Shriek what are you doing? Get back and fight!

Yakko: Don't concern yourself with her, I'm who you should be worrying about.

Cliff: Oh yeah, well lets see you not worry about my fist (he launches a punch but Yakko disappears) what the where'd he go?

Yakko: (From behind, taps him on the shoulder) Looking for me stupid?

Cliff: But-- How'd you get behind me?

Yakko: It's an old trick, maybe I'll teach it to you someday.

Cliff: Teach this (he tries to punch him again, but Yakko moves back to the front).

Yakko: Tsk, tsk, your kind never learn, looks like you fail. (Before Cliff can ready another punch, Yakko pulls out a mallet).

Cliff: Eep! (He is squashed flat as a pancake along with Shriek).

Yakko: (Dusting off his hands) That should take care of those two.

(Meanwhile Wakko is fighting Lube)

Lube: Duh, I'm supposed to beat you up or something.

Wakko: (Dirty Harry voice) The question you need to ask yourself is "do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk!

Lube: Uhh I think--what was the question?

Wakko: Hey want to see something fun?

Lube: Okay.

(Wakko makes a googie)

Lube: Wow!

Wakko: Now you try (Lube holds his breath for a googie) Good, but keep going, (Lube's face is turning blue) a little more, a little more, you've almost got it. (Lube continues to hold it until he passes out). I have to say that guy was pretty dumb, but he makes a fine googie.

(Next to them, Eddie, the hyperactive squirrel is attacking Slappy).

Eddie: Woo you ain't got nothing, old squirrel, nothing. Bring it on I'm ready for ya! (He holds up his hands in a boxing pose).

Slappy: Jeez this kid's more hyper than my nephew Skippy. Enough of this (she pulls a tazer from her purse) eat this.

Eddie: Hey what's that? --Aaagh!! (He is zapped and falls to the ground).

Slappy: And take this for good measure (she hits him a few times with her purse), alright let's go, I think my arthritis is kicking in.

Warners: Right! (They rush off, making it up the stairs to the second floor).

Yakko: I wonder if Jackie and Axel are having any trouble?

(Cut to Axel and Jackie on the stairs to the third floor, they are grappling with the enforcers).

Axel: Where are those (bleep) Warners when you need 'em.

Jackie: Relax I can handle these guys (he dodges Finn's kicks and flips him into Chow. Both men go tumbling down the stairs).

(Axel meanwhile is dodging Ratso's attacks)

Ratso: No so agile are you Mr. Potty mouth?

Axel: At least my face don't look like I'm sick.

Ratso: That was hurtful (While he is distracted, Axel punches him in the gut then kicks him down).

Axel: No to bad huh ya (bleep)!

(Hak Foo is at the top attacking Jackie).

Hak Foo: There is no escape for you this time Chan (he launches a kick) crane extends leg! (Jackie dodges it and counters with another kick, which is promptly dodged). Flamingo strikes! (As he kicks Jackie ducks sending him flying down the stairs).

Jackie: Have a nice trip, see you next fall.

(At the bottom of the stairs Finn and Chow have gotten back up and have their lazer swords drawn).

Finn: We'll get Chan now (suddenly they see Hak Foo flying towards them). Uh-oh.

(He slams into the enforcers and they tumble down the stairs. Just then the Warners show up).

Yakko: Well looks like our friends handled the loser patrol.

Wakko: Too bad, I had an anvil in my wacky sack I wanted to use.

Dot: Save it, you never know when you might need a good anvil.

Wakko: Oh yeah.

Axel: What kept you (bleeps)?

Yakko: We had some dogs to pound (everyone groans at the joke).

Slappy: Enough wit' the stupid jokes let's get to the roof.

(They run off)

(Cut to outside, where Brain and ZIM are battling in their giant robots).

ZIM: Let's see you resist my hyper-ray! (He pushes a button and the robots' hand turns into a blaster).

Brain: Put shields up to max, brace for impact.

Billie: Right.

(The beam hits and the robot is pushed back a few inches)

Pinky: The shield thingy is fading Brain, zort! I don't know how long we can last.

Brain: Then I'll retaliate with the mega missiles (he pulls a lever, the chest opens up and fires a barrage of missiles).

ZIM: (Laughing) Foolish Earth mouse those missiles will never penetrate my superior shield.

GIR: What's this button for? (9he pushes the shield lower button)

ZIM: No you fool! (The missiles hit and warning lights flash) Damage report!

Plankton: We got hit in the torso area, and it looks like we lost left arm functions.

(Sure enough the beam arm stops working).

Brain: The ray has stopped, now's our chance, fire the lazer.

Billie: Aye, aye Eggy (she pulls a lever and a lazer fires from the robots arm)

ZIM: Shield up to max! (To GIR) and if you touch anything again you won't watch the Scary Monkey show for a week!

GIR: (dejectedly) Okay.

Plankton: I'm firing the shoulder missiles (a barrage of missiles fire from the shoulder, they penetrate the shield and inflict damage. Inside the robot alarms sound.)

Billie: We've taken on damage Eggy, we've lost 25% of motor functions and the controls for the left leg are damaged.

Brain: Blast! We only have one alternative pool all remaining power into our one leg; we'll rush forward and give them a taste of the fists.

Billie: If we get that close they could destroy us!

Brain: There's no option, wait for my signal.

(In ZIM's robot there is much celebration)

ZIM: Excellent I think that barrage weakened them, now fire the eyebeams and finish them!

Plankton: With pleasure.

GIR: Piggy!

ZIM: (through loudspeaker) Attention Earth mouse if you surrender now I will spare your life.

Brain: Forget it

ZIM: You asked for it, fire! (Pair of powerful beams fire from the robots eyes).

Brain: Now! (Pinky and Billie pull levers, which cause the robot to umber forward, despite it's hurt leg, and it dodges the eyebeams and rushes forward as fast as it can).

ZIM: What is he doing?

Plankton: I believe he's trying to ram us.

(9Brain's robot ducks under the beams and heads straight for the chest.)

Brain: Try to rule the world on my watch will you? Take this alien (the fists of his bot slam into ZIM's bots' chest. Inside the head the alarms are blaring wildly).

ZIM: He's hit us we're losing all functions, we're going to explode!

GIR: I like pigs.

(The robot explodes with a Kaboom! And the head flies a few feet landing safely in the concrete).

Pinky: Narf! That was so cool (laughs)

(Just then the rookies show up)

Froggo: What happened here?

Toast: Looks like we missed a narly robot battle.

Bob: There's one

(Brain's bot peers down on them)

Toast: Don't kill us dude!

Brain: Relax Toast, it's just me, the Brain.

Bob: Brain you're in that robot?

Froggo: What happened?

Brain: We had problems with--

Pinky: There was another robot and he was like rat-tat-tat-tat-tat, and we went kaboom missiles, and then Brain said go and there were fists and explosions ha ha!

Brain: I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Viper: Where's everyone else?

Billie: They went inside, I think they were trying to get to the roof.

Bob: We need to get up there.

Brain: I can help (he lowers the hand) step into the robots hand and we'll lift you up there.

Toast: Awesome!

Bob: This is definitely the weirdest thing I've ever ridden in.

Bobcat: Where are we?

(Cut to the roof, Valmont is there dressed in his ceremonial robe {it's not a dress} along with Vanessa).

Valmont: (as Shendu) Once I read this incantation, my siblings will be free to ravage the world once again!

Voice: Not so fast!

(Valmont turns to see the assembled heroes)

Yakko: Drop the staff weirdo.

Shendu: Vanessa, dispose of them!

Vanessa: Right, (she whips out a pistol) I've waited for this moment Chan.

Jackie: Vanessa! Aren't you in prison?

Vanessa: I was thanks to you, but then the Dark Hand broke me out. When I learned they had tangled with you before I agreed to help them hoping I'd get revenge. And now I will, so long Mr. Chan (she levels the gun).

Voice: Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer!

(Vanessa turns to see Viper)

Vanessa: You! But I thought those 2 idiots disposed of you.

Viper: I'm not that easy to kill (she jumps off the hand and kicks Vanessa knocking her out cold) that was for cheating in our last fight.

Jackie: It's over Shendu.

Shendu: Hardly Chan (he creates a wall of fire) Now no one can stop me.

Axel: It's a mother(bleep)ing wall of fire. How the (bleep) do we get through this?

Yakko: Wakko ya got anything?

Wakko: Let me see (he reaches into his wacky sack puling out a chair, an elephant, the entire cast of Aquaintices, a pair of tongs, a potty, and a bicycle). Oh here's something, (he pulls out a fire extinguisher and douses the flames).

Yakko: (To others) You stay here we'll handle this guy.

Jackie: Any idea what they have planned?

Slappy: Nope but it oughta be good.

(The three Warners walk over to Shendu who is reciting the incantation)

Yakko: Hi, can we call you Daddoo!

Shendu: What? How did you get here?

Dot: We drove (rim shot).

Shendu: Pathetic annoyances (he shoots fire at them, but of course the play the old "two-places-at-once" gag).

Axel: Ah (bleep) not that stupid trick.

Slappy: I thought they said they wouldn't use that.

Jackie: What is going on?

Bob: It's the old "two-places-at-once gag", you'll see.

(Meanwhile Shendu, who thinks his fire has toasted the Warners turns around to see them still standing).

Shendu: What! But--how?

Yakko: Hey thanks for the fire.

Wakko: Yeah it really helped to cook our marshmallows (they plop them in their mouths).

Shendu: I don't know how you survived, but it's too late, observe (he points to the sky, which is all dark and swirling) My siblings will soon be free ands they will destroy you!

Yakko: Aaaaah I don't think those are your siblings?

Shendu: Oh then what is it?

(The Warners point upward Shendu looks to see a huge anvil coming down. It smashes him through the floors of the television studio).

Dot: Ow that's gotta hurt!

Yakko: Good thing he's a toon like us.

(The others run over)

Jackie: (Gasps) You killed him!

Yakko: Nah he'll be fine but he'll have a headache for a couple of days.

Wakko: Well let's round up the criminals and return this scepter and book.

Dot: Good idea.

Axel: I can't believe you (bleep)s used the "two-places-at-once" gag.

Yakko: Calm down Axel at least we saved the world.

Wakko: And got to beat up Nickelodeon characters.

Dot: And we met Jackie Chan, it was truly a good day.

Jackie: (sighs) I don't think I'll ever forget this day.

Yakko: That reminds me, can we have your autograph?

Wakko: I loved Rumble in the Bronx it was Faboo!

Jackie: (Running away), I don't know what you're talking about leave me alone!

Dot: Wait, tell us about Rush Hour 2.

Viper: (Sighs) I'll need a vacation from this vacation.

(Scene: The police academy the next day, the 4 rookies are standing on a large platform in the middle of a field. Chief Winslow is next to them).

Winslow: And for your part in helping to recover the stolen scepter and stop an even bigger criminal plot, I hearby promote you to full-fledged officers. (He hands each a badge, nightstick, and gun, everyone salutes him save Bob).

Toast: (spinning his nightstick) Sweet, I'm a cop man!

Bob: All that work finally paid off.

Bobcat: I finally have a paying job!

(The three Warners walk over)

Yakko: Good work rookies, we've been through a lot but you finally made it. And all is as it should be.

Wakko: Yeah, the scepter is back in the museum and the villains are where they belong.

Dot: Jail?

Yakko: Nope cable television.

Wakko: Hey I'm hungry how about we take you new cops out for lunch.

Bob: I'm game, where are we going?

Wakko: McDonalds there's one right down the street from here, we go there all the time.

Yakko: Sometimes for hours.

Dot: (annoyed) How many Happy Meal toys do you need Wakko?

Wakko: I don't collect Happy Meal toys. And if I did, I would only need two more to complete the set.

Froggo: McDonalds sounds good to me.

Toast: Me too dude, let's go.

(They pile into the car and drive off)

Bobcat: I'm glad you guys have finally decided to accept me as a part of the gang.

Yakko: Yeah I guess you're okay--

Dot: Just don't ever visit us again.

Bobcat: But what if you guys get another movie or something, can I--?

All: No!!

(Fade out)


Yakko/ Pinky: Rob Paulsen

Wakko: Jess Harnell

Dot/Billie/ Toast: Tress McNeille

Brain: Maurice LaMarche

Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy.

Slappy Squirrel: Sherri Stoner

Froggo: Nathan Ruegger

Bob Oblong: Will Ferrell

Chief Steve Winslow: G.W. Bailey.

Bobcat Goldthwait: Himself

Mr. Johnson/ Computer voice: Frank Welker

Cabbie: Kevin McDonald

Chit Chatterson: Billy West

Jackie Chan: Himself

Valmont: Julian Sands

Finn: Adam Baldwin (no relation to Alec, Steven, or Billy)

Shendu/Chow: James Sie

Ratso: Clancy Brown

Hak Foo: Jim Cummings

Jade/Viper: Stacy Chan

Uncle: Sab Shimono

Tohru: Noah Nelson.

Vanessa Barone: Laura Wood

Kip O'Donnell: Keith Szarabajka

Neil Biederman: Jerry Skora

Cliff: Tom Kenny

Lube: Carlos Alazraqui

Shriek: Maria Bamford

Eddie: Dwight Schultz (yes the A-team guy)

Plankton: Mr. Lawrence

ZIM: Richard Steven Horvitz.

GIR: Rosearik Rikki Simons


All Animaniacs, Pinky & the Brain, Histeria!, and Jackie Chan Adventures Characters are copyright 2001 Warner Bros. Inc.

Bob Oblong and the Oblongs are copyright 2001 Mohawk Productions, Oblongs Productions Inc. and Warner Bros. Inc.

Cliff, Lube, Shriek, Eddie and CatDog are copyright 2001 Peter Hannah productions and Nickelodeon.

Kip O'Donnell, Neil Biederman, and the Wild Thornberries are copyright 2001 Klasky-Csupo inc. and Nickelodeon.

Plankton and SpongeBob Squarepants are copyright United Plankton Industries Inc. and Nickelodeon.

ZIM, GIR, and Invader ZIM are copyright 2001 Jhonen Vasquez productions and Nickelodeon.

Axel Foley, and Beverly Hills Cop is copyright 1985, Paramount Pictures.

* The chiefs' name is taken from the first and last names of Steve Guttenberg and Michael Winslow respectively, stars of the original Police Academy movies. I created Winslow because I couldn't use Sgt. Small since he's an author. The actor who plays him, G.W. Bailey, is best known as Capt. Harris in the Police Academy movies.

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