Fone Bone
Matt Zimmer
No threads for this? I just binged the first season on Netflix. Here are my reviews:
Riverdale "Chapter One: The River's Edge"
This show has a irresistible concept: Archie Comics meets Twin Peaks. Genius.
And it is a LOT like Twin Peaks. A LOT. Not in the supernatural stuff, but Twin Peaks wasn't supernatural to start off with either. But there is a definitely '50's Teen Angel heartthrob vibe going throughout the entire series. I don't really have too many snap judgments about the characters besides Archie himself. I do admittedly love Kevin, who loves closet cases, and Veronica loves him for being gay, and wants him to be her new best friend. But I think the character that I really wound up thinking poorly of is Archie himself. I get he's a teenager, but he treats the women in his life like garbage.
Let's start with Miss Grundy. I should not feel bad for Miss Grundy. She is a literal statutory rapist, and SHE should be the one I hate for what happened. I should resent the fact that she doesn't want to do her job with Archie for a mistake SHE made. But Archie is making her feel incredibly uncomfortable, and as a man putting expectations on a woman, I am appalled I am on her side. I should not be Team Child Rapist under any circumstance, but I weirdly am.
The second horrible thing he did was tell Betty that he's not good enough for her. That's Archie punching her in the face one last time this evening. He's blaming his stupid hang-ups about the two of them entirely on her. You can SAY you just aren't into her, Archie. She DID ask. An honest response is totally fair game. Making her feel like it's her fault is literally the most jerkish way he could have handled that.
So far, so good. It's produced by Berlanti, who has a knack for producing amazing Pilots, and lousy seasons and series. We'll see how this goes, but I was impressed for the first go round. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Two: Touch Of Evil"
And just like that I do a total turnaround on Miss Grundy. Her manipulations of Archie struck me as outright sinister.
Speaking of which, I thought Cheryl was a sociopath BEFORE she was led away in handcuffs. Her scene with Betty horrified me, especially considering what she confessed to later. She cray.
I love Josie and the Pussycat's version of "Sugar, Sugar". A little more teenage cheerleader twerking than I am comfortable with, but the song itself was cute.
Good episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Three: Body Double"
There it is! There is the subpar Bertlantiverse I am used to! Wow, that was some heavy duty portentous and lame nonsense right there. It's episode three, and the show is already a parody of itself.
I didn't know what to make of the racial messages of the episode. A black man menacing and sexually harassing white girls is bad enough, but when they chain him up to torment him, I'm like "Is there not a single person of color on the writing staff who could have like maybe second-guessed this?" But the thing that gets me is that the episode does the pretty cool scene of Josie checking Archie's white privilege at the door with her real experiences as a black woman in a conservative, mostly white town. Maybe the show thinks it can get away with Chuck's behavior and comeuppance because they did that, but I don't think a white producer should be allowed to do bad racial messages provided they use good ones for cover. That strikes me as wrong, and the precise reason Quentin Tarantino sucks and is a total wannabe.
I would have liked the message of female empowerment, except, Jeez, it's misplaced. Basically the show is saying it's wrong for these girls to be slut-shamed. But the show went out of its way to say nothing actually happened. Basically it's taking the position it's only wrong to slut-shame women if they aren't actually sluts. And it should be wrong to do that, period. And if the show is going out of its way to say the victims are "innocent", it's validating the shaming on a very real level.
I also would probably appreciate a moral about not shaming women for their bodies if the show didn't use the episode to totally exploit its half-nude teenage actresses. It's ick that CW shows do that at all, but it's especially ick to do that in an episode with this precise premise.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but Mrs. Cooper is an absolutely despicable person. I like Mr. Andrews. But he is the only adult who isn't actually worse than their kids. These parents are outright appalling. I thought Arthur Weasley and Lucius Malfoy were bad role models. These adults are just plain crazy.
The moment of Jughead saying this was the worst thing that ever happened in the town and that Riverdale would never be the same again was a clever meta moment about the Archie franchise itself.
I found Cheryl walking back her confession at the beginning of the episode as anti-climatic as Coop forgetting who killed Laura Palmer in Episode 3 of Twin Peaks.
That went South FAST. Even Arrow took at least half a season to start sucking. Bad sign to happen to this show in Episode 3. *.
Riverdale "Chapter Four: The Last Picture Show"
I don't get why Archie's father isn't madder at Miss Grundy than he is. NO dad should ever be that chill, even if he's played by Luke Perry.
For the record, because Miss Grundy had a gun and a fake I.D. in her car, an abusive ex is the first place my mind went. It's weird it never occurred to Betty or Veronica.
Also for the record, as crazy as Betty's mother is, her flipping out over finding the gun in the dresser, and then reading her diary was the correct reaction.
I loved the Sheriff telling Kevin not to go around cruising. He asks if there are any nice gay guys in the town, and Kevin says "I am." Deep.
I still can't believe that they haven't changed any of the goofy names from the comics. Jughead, Moose, and Miss Grundy are bad enough. But Smithers? Really? Sheesh.
Decent episode. ***1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Five: Heart Of Darkness"
Nana Blossom is scary.
I liked Archie deferring the captaincy to Reggie. That was cool. What I don't get is why the coach didn't retire the number himself. That should have been a no-brainer.
I love Val's father's utter lack of pretention regarding how sloppy Archie is with his music. While I maybe would not have been that harsh on the songs themselves in his position, he's right that Archie should have been writing them down all along, and that him doing so in one night made them sloppy. He doesn't teach performance, but craft. And I like the idea that if Archie wants his father to take his music seriously, he's going to have to take it seriously himself. And maybe not play football after he's injured his playing hand.
The fashions on this show continue to confound me. Forget Jughead wearing his wool cap indoors at a funeral for a moment. Why does Veronica wear a pearl necklace to a sleepover?
I liked this one. ***1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Six: Faster, Pussycats! Kill! Kill!"
I was kind of hoping they'd do like they did with Mr. Andrews and Mrs. Cooper and cast a former teen drama star as Polly. But instead of going two generations back like 90210 or Twin Peaks, have it be one generation back like maybe from Veronica Mars or Gossip Girl.
Josie's father is a d-word.
I kind of 'ship Archie and Val now.
Speaking of unlikely 'ships, I was all smiles when Jughead kissed Betty. Even better was the fact that she seemed to dig it.
Good episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Seven: In A Lonely Place"
I like that Jughead went home with his dad at the end. He didn't ultimately stay, but I like that because it wasn't the best thing for Jughead in that moment, and I think he knew that. But it was the best thing for his dad.
I also like Cheryl ultimately deciding to protect Polly at the end. I don't think she knew she was going to do that until she felt her stomach.
It's fun that Veronica and her mother treat each other horribly as a way of negotiating and ultimately making peace. I think that's how high-maintenance women do it anyways.
I also liked Veronica turning things around with the bouncer at the club, and getting his to accept cash simply because raising a fuss would highlight underage drinking and the mayor's daughter. Funny.
I thought the trap Alice sprung at the press conference was absolutely brilliant. I hate that woman but she sure knows how to get ahead of a narrative.
Alice Cooper is almost as funny of a name as Jellybean Jones. She's ten and listens to Pink Floyd on vinyl. She's already plenty cool enough.
Ooh! Jason's jacket! More questions raised by the end there.
The dream at the beginning of the Archie gang in their comics outfits was so funny.
Excellent episode. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Eight: The Outsiders"
I will never get used to the idea of Madchen Amick as a grandmother.
They didn't actually use the word "abortion" but it is very clear why Alice threw her husband out of their house.
I thought Archie was totally wrong to be mad at Jughead for not telling him his father was serpent. It's his dad. He was ashamed. Even Betty wasn't ultimately mad. It was hard enough without Archie making him feel like a liar for it.
I don't think Mr. Jones has to do with Fred's current business woes, or the threats his workers have received. But I did think he was either involved in Jason's death, or knew who the culprit was and was protecting them. He is NOT a good guy, no matter if he and Fred made peace or not. And by the end of the season I was right.
Archie and Jughead calling each other brothers was corny, but made slightly less corny by at least Jughead realizing how cliched the allegory actually was.
Gettin' good. But I think Polly is in for an upcoming world of hurt. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Nine: La Grande Illusion"
Holy poop! Cheryl is crazy!
I think Jughead telling Betty she is holding her family together is outright terrible advice. That puts an unrealistic expectation on her. Maybe he thought he was helping, but now if the family DOES fall apart she'll think it's her fault.
Love Val dumping Archie. I love that Archie's "What would you do?" hypothetical blew up in his face so spectacularly. He thinks he's smartly raising an ethical question, but instead he's giving her a no-brainer in the opposite direction.
Like Ethel being forgiving of Veronica. I kind of like that the show is square enough NOT to have her father successfully commit suicide, or Veronica NOT to have bullied a former classmate to death. This show is still Archie deep down, and uses a MUCH lighter touch than the Arrowverse ever did.
I admire Mrs. Lodge for coming clean to Fred, but I also don't blame him for dumping her for it. Lot of righteous dumping going on in the episode.
Pretty good. But Archie is a moron. ***1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Ten: The Lost Weekend"
I love Jughead and how uncomfortable he is. And his father convinces him to go back inside because Betty needs him. Him kissing her hands struck me as an incredibly sweet gesture. I'm glad they didn't break up. I agree with Jughead that they are probably on a clock, especially if Archie changes his mind. But I love them together.
Good on Val for not giving Archie a second chance. After tonight, he didn't deserve one.
I am a little bit surprised Cheryl wanted the game of Secrets and Lies. Simply because I would have guessed twincest too. Her obsession with her brother is outright weird. That is not the right game for someone like her to be playing. Now people are less going to remember Archie slept with a teacher, and more that she may have killed her brother because he rejected her advances. As far as murder theories go, her crazy behavior makes it totally plausible.
I love Jughead's dad beating the tar out of Chuck. That guy had that coming. When Mr. Jones yells the party is over and everyone should go home, I instantly realized something amazing that I didn't before: He's an adult, so he technically has authority over the kids. Which is kind of amazing to realize when he gets everybody to leave simply because he says so.
FP's right. Madchen Amick is still hot.
I loved this episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Eleven: To Riverdale And Back Again"
In the long run, Jughead and Betty will be grateful Veronica and Archie searched FP's trailer, but lord that IS the long run. I would not forgive them at anytime in the immediate future. I might if I were Jughead. Not if I were Betty. Because their betrayal wasn't just to Jughead. It was done in such a manner that it made Betty look culpable for it. Honestly, it was not her fault at all. She actually tried to protect Jughead and FP. But lord, were I Jughead I wouldn't see it that way in a million years. And whether Jughead can forgive Archie and Veronica (and my gut says he can) he will never get back to where he was with Betty. Simply because those two screwed him over so. He might forgive her. They got back together by the end of the season. But deep down I don't think he'll ever really trust her again. And that is what the totally betrayed look in her eyes said when she saw Veronica talking to her mother. She knew then and there that her supposed friend just destroyed the love of her life.
And I love that she outright says she loves Jughead. I don't even know if she realized it until she said it, but it's clear at this point her being a little uncomfortable putting a label on their relationship is past tense. And that's what makes what Archie and Veronica did so horrible. Again, it probably helped in the long run. But it didn't help Bughead, which is like the weirdest fan-name for a 'ship ever.
I liked Cheryl's story about flushing the ring. I knew she didn't actually do it (where would the fun be in THAT?) but I liked the lie because it would satisfy her parents. It would actually the smart thing to do which is why they believe her. Except she's holding onto for another unknown reason.
That roomful of wigs was creepy.
I liked Mary telling Alice her headgames wouldn't work on her. Who Fred spends his time with is his business. Can I just reiterate how much I dislike Alice? Aside from the sinister reasons she set up the dinner, the personal and hurtful questions she asked FP were as horrible and rude as anything said by a member of the Blossom clan. I have a really hard time accepting Betty came out of a person this mean-spirited. Yes, it's been hinted that Betty has dark thoughts and crazy impulses. But that is a far cry from being manipulative and cruel. That goes for Polly too. I'm trying to understand how Betty came out of such a sociopath.
Such a huge episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Twelve: Anatomy Of A Murder"
The mystery resolution was a bit underwhelming simply because Clifford was always the prime suspect in my mind. The show is again channeling Twin Peaks into making the guy who acts the craziest and most guilty the actual killer. But one of Twin Peaks' biggest strengths to me (and I know David Lynch would disagree) is that the good thing about the mystery being solved is that it pretty much explains a great deal of the varying characters' weird behaviors in hindsight. It was always Leland, and there was never any other answer. And kills me that Twin Peaks was considered such the mysterious show it was. The resolution to Who Killed Laura Palmer turned out in hindsight to be a no-brainer.
I expect the same feeling if and when I rewatch season one of this show. I'll be like "That explains a LOT" once I see how he's grooming Archie, or hiding the wigs from Polly. His craziness infests the season and we only realize the full level of crazy after the fact.
Once again the Berlantiverse has zero idea how the law actually works. Mary says because Archie broke into the trailer illegally that what he saw is inadmissible in a court of law. Are ALL Berlantiverse writers this stupid? Of course it can. Because Archie is not a cop or an FBI agent. If he took his licks for the crime he committed, his testimony would definitely be allowed in a court of law simply because he's a civilian, and doesn't actually need a warrant. How many Law and Order episodes have we seen the day accidentally being saved by a civilian sticking their nose where it didn't belong, and being willing to testify to that fact? I almost forgive Arrow and The Flash for how badly they bungle their courtroom drama because they are superhero shows. Riverdale is an actual murder mystery. There is NO excuse to get that specific detail wrong. NONE.
I was more than a little annoyed that Kevin decried the Scooby Gang for dragging Joaquin into it. How does Kevin think everyone ELSE feels? Everyone else is in the mess, whether they want to be or not. With the possible exception of Archie himself, who always seems to make himself "Mess Adjacent". But Archie always knows the wrong crowd to hang out with.
As for the "incest" thing I was a little amused and annoyed they thought that was an actual scandal. Third Cousins? So what? That's not even Deep South. That's Buckingham Palace. And it's not like either Polly or Jason were even aware they were distantly related while it was happening. Third cousins isn't even incest in my book. I bet half of the wizards in the Harry Potter Universe would be dismayed to find out this is actually a scandal here. There is probably a reason Molly and Arthur Weasley BOTH have red hair after all.
But why don't the Coopers? If red hair is SUCH a strong Blossom family trait, it doesn't matter if the Coopers changed their names. They should be redheaded stepchildren anyways.
I love how the moment of the gang watching the murder on the computer screen was boarded. The girls start to cry (which makes about as much sense as Donna Hayward sobbing in the Road House on the night of Maddie Ferguson's murder). But it totally plays, as does Betty getting up to make a phone call. Who is she calling and why? And until they cut to Cheryl we don't actually know because the show was clever enough not to show us what the kids saw right away. But the show replays the scene and we are able to match up the kids' reactions to what they are actually seeing.
You know, when Jughead calls Betty Nancy Drew, he's not underselling that notion. Truthfully, were I Jughead, I'd simply be mad she's man-handling another dude, but considering the stakes, that may have been neither here nor there.
I will confess to be disappointed by the reveal. But like Twin Peaks, I expect it will fully hold up in hindsight. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter"
Archie banging Veronica! Gamechanger!
I will always find it weird that Jughead Jones is more cut and physically fit than Archie Andrews. Always.
I can't believe Mayor McCoy is trying to take co-credit for solving the mystery. She truly IS a politician, isn't she?
I like that when describing his foster family Jughead wryly says, "They're nice." Which is like the most backhanded compliment from him ever. Which is why it's fabulous.
I do not feel the least bit sorry for Mrs. Blossom. She was just as responsible for the toxicity in that house as her husband was. She should feel very lucky Cheryl didn't lock her in the house when she burnt it down.
Speaking of going for the softer twist, I was a little bit disappointed Alice didn't get an abortion after all. That would have been a groundbreaking moment for network television. Instead the adopted brother means there's a new season 2 episode to look forward to.
Although the surprise relative I really want? Jughead's evil twin. Don't laugh. You know you want that too.
I love Fred using Betty's speech as an excuse to stick it to Hermione and not be bought out. If Fred survives the cliffhanger, next season should be fun.
Good finale made up entirely of wrap-up, but were I the show, I would have done like Veronica Mars and solved the mystery here too. Again this show is more Twin Peaks, but the truth is, Lynch never WANTED to solve the mystery at ALL, so maybe solving it early wasn't the way to go here. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter One: The River's Edge"
This show has a irresistible concept: Archie Comics meets Twin Peaks. Genius.
And it is a LOT like Twin Peaks. A LOT. Not in the supernatural stuff, but Twin Peaks wasn't supernatural to start off with either. But there is a definitely '50's Teen Angel heartthrob vibe going throughout the entire series. I don't really have too many snap judgments about the characters besides Archie himself. I do admittedly love Kevin, who loves closet cases, and Veronica loves him for being gay, and wants him to be her new best friend. But I think the character that I really wound up thinking poorly of is Archie himself. I get he's a teenager, but he treats the women in his life like garbage.
Let's start with Miss Grundy. I should not feel bad for Miss Grundy. She is a literal statutory rapist, and SHE should be the one I hate for what happened. I should resent the fact that she doesn't want to do her job with Archie for a mistake SHE made. But Archie is making her feel incredibly uncomfortable, and as a man putting expectations on a woman, I am appalled I am on her side. I should not be Team Child Rapist under any circumstance, but I weirdly am.
The second horrible thing he did was tell Betty that he's not good enough for her. That's Archie punching her in the face one last time this evening. He's blaming his stupid hang-ups about the two of them entirely on her. You can SAY you just aren't into her, Archie. She DID ask. An honest response is totally fair game. Making her feel like it's her fault is literally the most jerkish way he could have handled that.
So far, so good. It's produced by Berlanti, who has a knack for producing amazing Pilots, and lousy seasons and series. We'll see how this goes, but I was impressed for the first go round. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Two: Touch Of Evil"
And just like that I do a total turnaround on Miss Grundy. Her manipulations of Archie struck me as outright sinister.
Speaking of which, I thought Cheryl was a sociopath BEFORE she was led away in handcuffs. Her scene with Betty horrified me, especially considering what she confessed to later. She cray.
I love Josie and the Pussycat's version of "Sugar, Sugar". A little more teenage cheerleader twerking than I am comfortable with, but the song itself was cute.
Good episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Three: Body Double"
There it is! There is the subpar Bertlantiverse I am used to! Wow, that was some heavy duty portentous and lame nonsense right there. It's episode three, and the show is already a parody of itself.
I didn't know what to make of the racial messages of the episode. A black man menacing and sexually harassing white girls is bad enough, but when they chain him up to torment him, I'm like "Is there not a single person of color on the writing staff who could have like maybe second-guessed this?" But the thing that gets me is that the episode does the pretty cool scene of Josie checking Archie's white privilege at the door with her real experiences as a black woman in a conservative, mostly white town. Maybe the show thinks it can get away with Chuck's behavior and comeuppance because they did that, but I don't think a white producer should be allowed to do bad racial messages provided they use good ones for cover. That strikes me as wrong, and the precise reason Quentin Tarantino sucks and is a total wannabe.
I would have liked the message of female empowerment, except, Jeez, it's misplaced. Basically the show is saying it's wrong for these girls to be slut-shamed. But the show went out of its way to say nothing actually happened. Basically it's taking the position it's only wrong to slut-shame women if they aren't actually sluts. And it should be wrong to do that, period. And if the show is going out of its way to say the victims are "innocent", it's validating the shaming on a very real level.
I also would probably appreciate a moral about not shaming women for their bodies if the show didn't use the episode to totally exploit its half-nude teenage actresses. It's ick that CW shows do that at all, but it's especially ick to do that in an episode with this precise premise.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but Mrs. Cooper is an absolutely despicable person. I like Mr. Andrews. But he is the only adult who isn't actually worse than their kids. These parents are outright appalling. I thought Arthur Weasley and Lucius Malfoy were bad role models. These adults are just plain crazy.
The moment of Jughead saying this was the worst thing that ever happened in the town and that Riverdale would never be the same again was a clever meta moment about the Archie franchise itself.
I found Cheryl walking back her confession at the beginning of the episode as anti-climatic as Coop forgetting who killed Laura Palmer in Episode 3 of Twin Peaks.
That went South FAST. Even Arrow took at least half a season to start sucking. Bad sign to happen to this show in Episode 3. *.
Riverdale "Chapter Four: The Last Picture Show"
I don't get why Archie's father isn't madder at Miss Grundy than he is. NO dad should ever be that chill, even if he's played by Luke Perry.
For the record, because Miss Grundy had a gun and a fake I.D. in her car, an abusive ex is the first place my mind went. It's weird it never occurred to Betty or Veronica.
Also for the record, as crazy as Betty's mother is, her flipping out over finding the gun in the dresser, and then reading her diary was the correct reaction.
I loved the Sheriff telling Kevin not to go around cruising. He asks if there are any nice gay guys in the town, and Kevin says "I am." Deep.
I still can't believe that they haven't changed any of the goofy names from the comics. Jughead, Moose, and Miss Grundy are bad enough. But Smithers? Really? Sheesh.
Decent episode. ***1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Five: Heart Of Darkness"
Nana Blossom is scary.
I liked Archie deferring the captaincy to Reggie. That was cool. What I don't get is why the coach didn't retire the number himself. That should have been a no-brainer.
I love Val's father's utter lack of pretention regarding how sloppy Archie is with his music. While I maybe would not have been that harsh on the songs themselves in his position, he's right that Archie should have been writing them down all along, and that him doing so in one night made them sloppy. He doesn't teach performance, but craft. And I like the idea that if Archie wants his father to take his music seriously, he's going to have to take it seriously himself. And maybe not play football after he's injured his playing hand.
The fashions on this show continue to confound me. Forget Jughead wearing his wool cap indoors at a funeral for a moment. Why does Veronica wear a pearl necklace to a sleepover?
I liked this one. ***1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Six: Faster, Pussycats! Kill! Kill!"
I was kind of hoping they'd do like they did with Mr. Andrews and Mrs. Cooper and cast a former teen drama star as Polly. But instead of going two generations back like 90210 or Twin Peaks, have it be one generation back like maybe from Veronica Mars or Gossip Girl.
Josie's father is a d-word.
I kind of 'ship Archie and Val now.
Speaking of unlikely 'ships, I was all smiles when Jughead kissed Betty. Even better was the fact that she seemed to dig it.
Good episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Seven: In A Lonely Place"
I like that Jughead went home with his dad at the end. He didn't ultimately stay, but I like that because it wasn't the best thing for Jughead in that moment, and I think he knew that. But it was the best thing for his dad.
I also like Cheryl ultimately deciding to protect Polly at the end. I don't think she knew she was going to do that until she felt her stomach.
It's fun that Veronica and her mother treat each other horribly as a way of negotiating and ultimately making peace. I think that's how high-maintenance women do it anyways.
I also liked Veronica turning things around with the bouncer at the club, and getting his to accept cash simply because raising a fuss would highlight underage drinking and the mayor's daughter. Funny.
I thought the trap Alice sprung at the press conference was absolutely brilliant. I hate that woman but she sure knows how to get ahead of a narrative.
Alice Cooper is almost as funny of a name as Jellybean Jones. She's ten and listens to Pink Floyd on vinyl. She's already plenty cool enough.
Ooh! Jason's jacket! More questions raised by the end there.
The dream at the beginning of the Archie gang in their comics outfits was so funny.
Excellent episode. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Eight: The Outsiders"
I will never get used to the idea of Madchen Amick as a grandmother.
They didn't actually use the word "abortion" but it is very clear why Alice threw her husband out of their house.
I thought Archie was totally wrong to be mad at Jughead for not telling him his father was serpent. It's his dad. He was ashamed. Even Betty wasn't ultimately mad. It was hard enough without Archie making him feel like a liar for it.
I don't think Mr. Jones has to do with Fred's current business woes, or the threats his workers have received. But I did think he was either involved in Jason's death, or knew who the culprit was and was protecting them. He is NOT a good guy, no matter if he and Fred made peace or not. And by the end of the season I was right.
Archie and Jughead calling each other brothers was corny, but made slightly less corny by at least Jughead realizing how cliched the allegory actually was.
Gettin' good. But I think Polly is in for an upcoming world of hurt. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Nine: La Grande Illusion"
Holy poop! Cheryl is crazy!
I think Jughead telling Betty she is holding her family together is outright terrible advice. That puts an unrealistic expectation on her. Maybe he thought he was helping, but now if the family DOES fall apart she'll think it's her fault.
Love Val dumping Archie. I love that Archie's "What would you do?" hypothetical blew up in his face so spectacularly. He thinks he's smartly raising an ethical question, but instead he's giving her a no-brainer in the opposite direction.
Like Ethel being forgiving of Veronica. I kind of like that the show is square enough NOT to have her father successfully commit suicide, or Veronica NOT to have bullied a former classmate to death. This show is still Archie deep down, and uses a MUCH lighter touch than the Arrowverse ever did.
I admire Mrs. Lodge for coming clean to Fred, but I also don't blame him for dumping her for it. Lot of righteous dumping going on in the episode.
Pretty good. But Archie is a moron. ***1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Ten: The Lost Weekend"
I love Jughead and how uncomfortable he is. And his father convinces him to go back inside because Betty needs him. Him kissing her hands struck me as an incredibly sweet gesture. I'm glad they didn't break up. I agree with Jughead that they are probably on a clock, especially if Archie changes his mind. But I love them together.
Good on Val for not giving Archie a second chance. After tonight, he didn't deserve one.
I am a little bit surprised Cheryl wanted the game of Secrets and Lies. Simply because I would have guessed twincest too. Her obsession with her brother is outright weird. That is not the right game for someone like her to be playing. Now people are less going to remember Archie slept with a teacher, and more that she may have killed her brother because he rejected her advances. As far as murder theories go, her crazy behavior makes it totally plausible.
I love Jughead's dad beating the tar out of Chuck. That guy had that coming. When Mr. Jones yells the party is over and everyone should go home, I instantly realized something amazing that I didn't before: He's an adult, so he technically has authority over the kids. Which is kind of amazing to realize when he gets everybody to leave simply because he says so.
FP's right. Madchen Amick is still hot.
I loved this episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Eleven: To Riverdale And Back Again"
In the long run, Jughead and Betty will be grateful Veronica and Archie searched FP's trailer, but lord that IS the long run. I would not forgive them at anytime in the immediate future. I might if I were Jughead. Not if I were Betty. Because their betrayal wasn't just to Jughead. It was done in such a manner that it made Betty look culpable for it. Honestly, it was not her fault at all. She actually tried to protect Jughead and FP. But lord, were I Jughead I wouldn't see it that way in a million years. And whether Jughead can forgive Archie and Veronica (and my gut says he can) he will never get back to where he was with Betty. Simply because those two screwed him over so. He might forgive her. They got back together by the end of the season. But deep down I don't think he'll ever really trust her again. And that is what the totally betrayed look in her eyes said when she saw Veronica talking to her mother. She knew then and there that her supposed friend just destroyed the love of her life.
And I love that she outright says she loves Jughead. I don't even know if she realized it until she said it, but it's clear at this point her being a little uncomfortable putting a label on their relationship is past tense. And that's what makes what Archie and Veronica did so horrible. Again, it probably helped in the long run. But it didn't help Bughead, which is like the weirdest fan-name for a 'ship ever.
I liked Cheryl's story about flushing the ring. I knew she didn't actually do it (where would the fun be in THAT?) but I liked the lie because it would satisfy her parents. It would actually the smart thing to do which is why they believe her. Except she's holding onto for another unknown reason.
That roomful of wigs was creepy.
I liked Mary telling Alice her headgames wouldn't work on her. Who Fred spends his time with is his business. Can I just reiterate how much I dislike Alice? Aside from the sinister reasons she set up the dinner, the personal and hurtful questions she asked FP were as horrible and rude as anything said by a member of the Blossom clan. I have a really hard time accepting Betty came out of a person this mean-spirited. Yes, it's been hinted that Betty has dark thoughts and crazy impulses. But that is a far cry from being manipulative and cruel. That goes for Polly too. I'm trying to understand how Betty came out of such a sociopath.
Such a huge episode. ****.
Riverdale "Chapter Twelve: Anatomy Of A Murder"
The mystery resolution was a bit underwhelming simply because Clifford was always the prime suspect in my mind. The show is again channeling Twin Peaks into making the guy who acts the craziest and most guilty the actual killer. But one of Twin Peaks' biggest strengths to me (and I know David Lynch would disagree) is that the good thing about the mystery being solved is that it pretty much explains a great deal of the varying characters' weird behaviors in hindsight. It was always Leland, and there was never any other answer. And kills me that Twin Peaks was considered such the mysterious show it was. The resolution to Who Killed Laura Palmer turned out in hindsight to be a no-brainer.
I expect the same feeling if and when I rewatch season one of this show. I'll be like "That explains a LOT" once I see how he's grooming Archie, or hiding the wigs from Polly. His craziness infests the season and we only realize the full level of crazy after the fact.
Once again the Berlantiverse has zero idea how the law actually works. Mary says because Archie broke into the trailer illegally that what he saw is inadmissible in a court of law. Are ALL Berlantiverse writers this stupid? Of course it can. Because Archie is not a cop or an FBI agent. If he took his licks for the crime he committed, his testimony would definitely be allowed in a court of law simply because he's a civilian, and doesn't actually need a warrant. How many Law and Order episodes have we seen the day accidentally being saved by a civilian sticking their nose where it didn't belong, and being willing to testify to that fact? I almost forgive Arrow and The Flash for how badly they bungle their courtroom drama because they are superhero shows. Riverdale is an actual murder mystery. There is NO excuse to get that specific detail wrong. NONE.
I was more than a little annoyed that Kevin decried the Scooby Gang for dragging Joaquin into it. How does Kevin think everyone ELSE feels? Everyone else is in the mess, whether they want to be or not. With the possible exception of Archie himself, who always seems to make himself "Mess Adjacent". But Archie always knows the wrong crowd to hang out with.
As for the "incest" thing I was a little amused and annoyed they thought that was an actual scandal. Third Cousins? So what? That's not even Deep South. That's Buckingham Palace. And it's not like either Polly or Jason were even aware they were distantly related while it was happening. Third cousins isn't even incest in my book. I bet half of the wizards in the Harry Potter Universe would be dismayed to find out this is actually a scandal here. There is probably a reason Molly and Arthur Weasley BOTH have red hair after all.
But why don't the Coopers? If red hair is SUCH a strong Blossom family trait, it doesn't matter if the Coopers changed their names. They should be redheaded stepchildren anyways.
I love how the moment of the gang watching the murder on the computer screen was boarded. The girls start to cry (which makes about as much sense as Donna Hayward sobbing in the Road House on the night of Maddie Ferguson's murder). But it totally plays, as does Betty getting up to make a phone call. Who is she calling and why? And until they cut to Cheryl we don't actually know because the show was clever enough not to show us what the kids saw right away. But the show replays the scene and we are able to match up the kids' reactions to what they are actually seeing.
You know, when Jughead calls Betty Nancy Drew, he's not underselling that notion. Truthfully, were I Jughead, I'd simply be mad she's man-handling another dude, but considering the stakes, that may have been neither here nor there.
I will confess to be disappointed by the reveal. But like Twin Peaks, I expect it will fully hold up in hindsight. ****1/2.
Riverdale "Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter"
Archie banging Veronica! Gamechanger!
I will always find it weird that Jughead Jones is more cut and physically fit than Archie Andrews. Always.
I can't believe Mayor McCoy is trying to take co-credit for solving the mystery. She truly IS a politician, isn't she?
I like that when describing his foster family Jughead wryly says, "They're nice." Which is like the most backhanded compliment from him ever. Which is why it's fabulous.
I do not feel the least bit sorry for Mrs. Blossom. She was just as responsible for the toxicity in that house as her husband was. She should feel very lucky Cheryl didn't lock her in the house when she burnt it down.
Speaking of going for the softer twist, I was a little bit disappointed Alice didn't get an abortion after all. That would have been a groundbreaking moment for network television. Instead the adopted brother means there's a new season 2 episode to look forward to.
Although the surprise relative I really want? Jughead's evil twin. Don't laugh. You know you want that too.
I love Fred using Betty's speech as an excuse to stick it to Hermione and not be bought out. If Fred survives the cliffhanger, next season should be fun.
Good finale made up entirely of wrap-up, but were I the show, I would have done like Veronica Mars and solved the mystery here too. Again this show is more Twin Peaks, but the truth is, Lynch never WANTED to solve the mystery at ALL, so maybe solving it early wasn't the way to go here. ****1/2.