Pockemon - The First Gym


It’s root bear & a candy cigar!
Jun 5, 2017
Entry for the 2021 Comedy One Shot contest. https://forums.serebii.net/threads/make-me-laugh-–-a-comedy-one-shot-contest.682328/

Saw that I still had this in my messages folder, so I figured I’d post it now instead of later:

Pockemon - The First Gym

(The word "Pockemon" was an early attempt to combine "Pocket" and "Monster" into a single word. It was briefly used in Japan.)

Scene I

(Ash, with Pikachu by his side, enters a large, rock-clad building. It's the Pewter City Gym. He bursts through the doors & stands at the end of an arena which looks like a socker field. The gym leader, Brock, sits crossed-legged at the other end of the arena.)

Ash: I'm Ash from the town of Pallet! I'm on a quest to become the Greatest Pockemon Master! Of All Time! I challenge you to a Pockemon Battle!

Brock: Ok, but I've got to warn you. This isn't a simple trainer vs. trainer match, out in the woods somewhere. This is an official Pockemon League Match. There are rules & regulations-

Ash: Well, I'm ready!

Brock: Ok... but first... Have a doughnut!

Ash: Wha?

(Brock runs to Ash, holding a round box of triangular cakes.)

Brock: I made 'em myself. (Smiling.)

Ash: I thought doughnuts had holes...

Brock: (Defensive) They're...jelly-filled doughnuts. Yeah. That's it.

Ash: Why are they triangular?

Brock: (Shouting) You make doughnuts your way & I'll make 'em my way!

(Brocks stomps back to his side of the gym.)

Ash: (Confused) I'm just saying they don't look like Doughnuts. They look like Danishes. Or Maybe Mocci from Monster Rancher.

Brock: (Cross.) Mocci is round. And he has a duck-bill. Do you want to battle or not?

Ash: Yeah! I'm ready! Go Pikachu!

Pikachu: Pi! Ka! Chu!

(Pikachu steps onto the field, smiling, but with focused, angry-eyes & clinched fists.)

Brock: A Pikachu? Seriously?

Ash: What's wrong with Pikachu?

Brock: Well, for one thing, it's a silly little Pockemon based on a dumpling with ears drawn on it.

Pikachu: Pi!

Ash: So, you're saying it's too cute in this stage to win?

Brock: No. Even if they hadn't cut out Gorochu it still couldn't win. Pikachu only knows electric moves, & electric moves have no effect on rock or ground type Pockemon.

Ash: What? That doesn't make any sense-

Brock: Check your manual-

Ash: I don't need a manual! I'm a big boy who can take care of himself! Isn't that right Pikachu?

(Pikachu looks at Ash, unsure.)

Pikachu: Pi...ka...chu?

Misty: (Calling from off-screen.) Ash...

Ash: Misty?

Misty: Up here!

(Ash looks up. Above the field there's a balcony from which spectators can watch the battle. Misty up there, leaning over the railing, calling to Ash.)

Ash: Misty? How'd you get up there?

Misty: I climbed. Ash! Why don't you use Butterfree? He knows Psychic! That move is strong against Rock Pockemon!

Ash: Would you mind your own business! I don't need advice from some girl! You don't even like bug Pockemon!

Misty: At least I read the instruction manual! (Waves manual over railing.)

Ash: (Angerly. Arms crossed; eyes closed.) Pikachu! Go for it!

Pikachu: Pika... (Steps into the arena, slowly & nervously.)

Brock: Go Onyx!

(Brock throws a small red & white monster ball into the air. It shoots out a bright red beam, which gradually dissolves into a huge Pockemon, a giant snake made from boulders.)

Ash: (Taken back.) Never mind! I forfeit!

(Ash turns to leave, but the doors close & lock in front of him. Pikachu runs to them & desperately tries to pry, push, or pull them open. Ash turns to Brock.)

Brock: Remember those rules & regulations I mentioned? There's no running from an Official League Battle!

Ash: ...This is because I insulted your doughnuts, isn’t it?

Brock: Maybe. Onyx! Body Slam attack!

(The giant snake looms over Ash & Pikachu. It relaxes it's body, allowing it's crushing weight to fall towards them. It lands with a deafening "thud.")

Misty: Oh no!

Brock: Well, that battle ended quickly.

(Misty leaps down from the balcony & lands on her feet beside Brock.)

Brock: Well, hello there. Maybe you'd like to come to my house & make dinner some-AAAAAAHHHHH!

(Misty begins slapping Brock repeatedly.)

Brock: What-What are you doing?

Misty: That kid owed me a new bike! Now he's crushed into jelly! There's no way he'll even pay me back! And Pikachu was cute you big bully!

Ash: Hey! Misty!

(Misty stops slapping Brock. Looks at Ash.)

Misty: Ash? How'd you?

Ash: I dodged Onyx at the last second!

(Pikachu hops up onto Brock's shoulder.)

Pikachu: Pika-chu!

Ash: So did Pikachu!

Pikachu: Pi-Pika!

(Pikachu thunder-shocks Misty & Brock. Both of them faint. Ash runs up to them. He reaches into Brock's vest pocket & pulls out a badge.)

Ash: Come on, Pikachu! Before they wake up!

(Ash starts to run out the door, then stops.)

Ash: This is wrong.

(Ash gently sets the badge down on the floor.)

Ash: If I'm going to win the league, I can't do it by cheating or stealing. I can't just knock a trainer out & grab what I want. I can only take a badge if a gym leader gives it to me fair & square! Come on Pikachu! We have more training to do!

(Ash & Pikachu run out the door, into the blinding sunlight.)

Scene II

(Ash stands in front of an old mill.)

Ash: Well! This looks like the perfect place to train!

(Ash climbs up the old mill's water wheel. Pikachu sits on a cross beam at the top of the wheel, cheering him on.)

Pikachu: Pika-Chu! Pika-Chu! Pika-Chu!

(Ash approaches the top of the wheel.)

Ash: Hey, wait a second, if you're the one who's battling, shouldn't you be the one training?

(The wheel starts to turn, backwards.)

Ash: Whoa!

(Ash falls off the wheel & hits his head.)

Ash: Ow!! Oh man... (Rubs head.) Huh?

Brock: (Walking up.) Hey, you're Ash, right?

Ash: Yeah, but I didn't take anything! I mean I considered it but-

Brock: No, no, no. Here, I wanted to give you this. (Hands Ash a badge.) Go on. You earned it.

Ash: What? No....how?

Brock: Pockemon are supposed to protect their trainers. Mine didn't protect me from your Pikachu. I'm the one who needs to train more, not you.

Ash: Oh... But it still seems wrong somehow.

Brock: Look, I'm giving you the badge, officially, with no strings attached. I'm publicly acknowledging that you defeated an official Pockemon League Gym Leader. Don't you want the badge?

Ash: Yeah!

Brock: Then take it!

(Ash grabs the badge. He leaps into the air.)

Ash: Yeah! I won a badge!

Pikachu: (Making "V" for Victory) Pikachu!

Brock: Ok, ok. Don't get cocky.

Ash: (Bad British accent.) What's the matter gov'nr? Can't take th'loss?

Brock: I said cocky, not Cockney.

Ash: I don't care! I won! I won! I won! My first badge....

Brock: Yep. And you should go get more. Quickly! The nearest is in Cerulean City. Go! Shoo!

Ash: Alright. I'm going. Maybe we'll see each other again someday, like when I win the league.

Brock: Yeah. Maybe. If Hubris doesn't get in your way.

Ash: Hubris? What's that? I haven't heard of that type of Pockemon.

(Pikachu facepalms.)

Brock: Then you should search for it! Go on!

Ash: Ok! Looks like we've got a new mission Pikachu! Go to go the Cerulean Gym & catch a Hubris!

(Ash walks off. Pikachu shakes his head then follows. Misty walks up.)

Brock: Well, I did it. I gave the kid a badge. Why was it so important to you anyways?

Misty: He needs to pay me for my bike. If he has more badges, he can get sponsors.

Brock: Oh? That doesn't sound too convincing to me. You must love him.

Misty: What!? No...

Brock: Really? You're blushing-

Misty: (Shouting) That means nothing!

Brock: Sure. Hey you better hurry up & catch him. You wouldn't want to lose him before he pays you. (Winks.)

Misty: I have plenty of time to catch up. Where's he headed?

Brock: Oh, I think he's headed to Cerulean, to challenge their gym.

Misty: The Cerulean Gym! Oh no!

Brock: (Smiling.) What is it?

Misty: Oh, nothing...Just...

Brock: Yes?

Misty: Oh. It's none of your business anyways!

(Misty stomps off in the direction of Cerulean city. Brock watches her leave. He gets out a cell phone.)

Brock: Hey, Waterflower. Looks like I convinced your little sister to come home. And I think she fould a boy friend. You know if you want one-

(*BING* Brock grimaces as the person on the other line slams their phone down on their receiver.)

Brock: Tough crowd.

(Brock turns & walks back towards his gym. The camera tilts up to the bright blue sky. The image shrinks down to 1/4 its normal size & moves to the top left-hand quarter of the screen. The words "To be continued" appear on the lower right-hand quarter of the screen. Fade out.)


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