Got a joke..?

[Frozen]

OK, let's try and lighten the mood a little. How about a continuing thread were we could all post our favourite jokes, or new ones we stumble across? What do you guys think? Good idea, or not?

Anyway, I'll get the ball rolling with this joke I've just recieved by e-mail...

Bob was in his front yard mowing grass when his
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house he went. As Bob was getting ready to edge the lawn, his neighbour came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighours actions Bob asked him, "Is something wrong?"
To which he replied,"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'"

OK, I know you guys can do better - so go on, make us all laugh..!

 

[BourgeoisBuffoon]

Hm...this is more of a riddle I found I liked:

...
If the kitchen is in the house, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?
....A STATE! in-Diana!

My fave stupid joke:

Why did the Turkey cross the road?
To beat that dumb cluck at his own game!
...

As you can see, it doesn't take much to make me laugh...

 

[NewMaxFranklin]

Here's one you can tell your mom:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gasps in shock. "A talking grasshopper!" he exclaims, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender in amazemant as says, "IRVING?"

 

[DR. BELCH]

Well....

....my sister-in-law asked me the other night if I knew what procrastination was. I said that I was going to look it up, but decided I'd just wait and do it tomorrow.
You see, it's one of those jokes that you have to think about for a couple of minutes...those are my favorite kind of jokes....

 

[Frozen]

[COLOR=-SKYBLUE]Yeah, and someone told me "gullable" wasn't in the dictionary either. "Really!!?" I asked, somewhat surprised...[/COLOR]

 

[Trent Lane]

Okay, bear with me, it's been a while since I've heard this one...

Three friends, let's call them James, Bob, and Mike, were in a car accident and went to heaven. The got there and they were told they could do whatever they wanted, just DON'T step on a duck. So the friends shook hands and went their seperate ways. About a week later James and Bob are walking along when they meet Mike with this ugly, heavy-set woman tied to him at the ankle. "What happened?" they asked Mike. "Just don't step on a duck, man." With that, they again went their seperate ways. The next week, Mike and Bob are walking along when they come up to James, who has an ugly heavy-set woman tied to his ankle. "What happened?" Bob asked. "Just don't step on a duck, man." So, again, they go their seperate ways. A few days later, Mike and James meet Bob in the street, and he's got this fine hottie tied to his ankle. "Whoa, what'd you do?" Bob replied, "I don't know..."

Okay, a long way to go for that one, especially if you don't pick up on it, so sue me...

 

[optimal321]

Wow, yeah, i don't get that one at all

Oh well. Most of the jokes i tell are spur of the moment things that are just funny, rather than long thought out jokes. And some of the jokes i do know aren't allowed on this board. But here's one that i did and thought it was pretty funny:

Actually, reading that over, it isn't quite sutible for here. I'll come back w/ another later. Oops

 

[Singin' Stray Cat]

Did someone say...JOKE?

Here's probably the strangest one I've ever heard. (Warning! Pun at the end!)

One day, three strings come up to a bar. (Yes, strings. Work with me here!) The trio notice a sign in the bar window that says, "No Strings Allowed." Well, the first string decides to try and get served anyway. So he goes inside and orders a beer. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Saaay...Are you a string?" The string says no, but the bartender can't be fooled, so the first string gets thrown out.

The second string tries his luck. He hops up to the bar and orders a beer. Again the bartender asks, "Are you a string?" The second string answers in the negative, but yet again the bartender is not fooled, and the second string is thrown out as well.

So the strings are about to go elsewhere for a drink, when suddenly the third string gets an idea. "Hey guys," he says to the other two, "tie me in a knot and fray my edges."

"What??" they ask, bewildered.

"I said, 'Tie me in a knot and fray my edges.'" The other two strings do as he says, though they're not sure why. So the third string, with his edges frayed and tied in a knot, enters the bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "Are you a string?" The third string then replies,

"Nope, frayed knot."

(If you don't get it, say it out loud. Either way...it's bad! )

 

[NewMaxFranklin]

A guy, lets call him "Wally," was going skydiving for his 40th birthday. After a few days of basic instruction he was given some final words of advice from his instructor. "Ok, "said the instructor, "this is important. You know about the rip cords?" "Yeah," said Wally. "Well," continued the instructor, "After you count to ten and pull the rip cord, if it doesn't work, you pull the emergengy cord." "Right," said Wally confidently. "Well," said the instructor, "In the unlikely event that neither chute deploys, just say 'Buda, Buda, Buda.'" Wally chuckles, but the instructors face remains serious. "Just remember," states the instructor plainly, "Buda, Buda, Buda."

The plain reaches the propper altitude and Wally takes a deep breath and jumps. The fall is exhilrating. He counts to ten slowly in his head. "Ok," he thinks "here we go!" Wally pulls the chute cord, but nothing happens. Wally's confidence is a little shaken. He pulls the second cord, but the chute still does not deploy. Wally starts to panic. "Wait! What did the guy say? Oh, oh yeah, uh, Buda, Buda, Buda!"

As Wally says this, a GIANT BROWN HAND, fifty feet wide, comes out of the clouds and catches him. The hand begins to lover him slowly to the ground. "Oh," exclaims Wally, relieved, "Thank GOD!" The giant hand turns over and slams him into the ground.

 

[BourgeoisBuffoon]

I love all of these! Gotta tell 'em to others...and spread joy!
...or at least groans.

Another (DUMB!) dictionary joke:

...
GUY 1: Whatcha doing?
GUY 2: Looking up how to spell a certain word in the dictionary. It's hard, though!
GUY 1: (smacks head)
...

Punchline: How can you look up a word in the dictionary if you don't know how it's spelled?

 

[Singin' Stray Cat]

Are we allowed to post more than one joke? I just thought of another one...no pun, though. Thankfully

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender puts the beer in front of the kangaroo and says, "That'll be seven bucks." A man sitting next to the kangaroo says, "Pardon me, Mr. Kangaroo - I don't mean to stare, but I've never seen a kangaroo in a bar before."

"Yeah," said the kangaroo, "and at $7.00 for a beer you probably won't see many more!!"

 

[Bird Boy]

I remember reading this one in some magazine, and thought I'd pass it along. It might be considered PG-13, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Possible PG-13 Joke Start:

Spoiler

The mistress of the big mansion called on her butler. She said "Butler, take off my blouse" Feeling a bit awkward, he took off her blouse. "Butler, take off my skirt" Trembling now, he took her skirt off. "Butler, take off my bra". Shaking noticably now, he took off her bra. Finally, she said "Butler, take off my underwear" Shaking violently, he took off her underwear. Then, she said "And if I ever catch you wearing my cloths again, your fired"

Possible PG-13 Joker END.

-BB

 

[joker]

this one is lame, but its my favorite joke of all time

a guy walks into bar and says

ouch!

 

[Kylewayne]

Ok, here is a joke my friend emailed me recently...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of
all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove
to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski
jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

 

[The Dork Knight]

Here's a lawyer joke....

A lawyer dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter says what good deeds have you done in your life? He says, "Well on day I gave a homeless person a quarter." "And?" St. Peter says. "The next day I gave another homeless person a quarter." St. Peter talks to another Saint. They think about it and say "Give him back his quarter and send him to hell."

Worst joke ever!

- Peter Melnick

 

[The Dork Knight]

Here's a blonde joke

Three blondes are in the woods. They come across some tracks.
Blonde 1: These are deer tracks!
Blonde 2: No! These are bear tracks!
Blonde 3: You're all wrong! These are Racoon tracks!

Then they all got hit by a train.

 

[Fish]

"...and so there was this blonde girl who went to the doctor and during the whole session she wore headphones. The doctor got annoyed and asked her to take 'em off!
" No I can't" she replied
" Why on earth can't you take them off? " the Doctor asked
" Well I'll die if I do so"
Then doctor thinking she was crazy talked her into taking them of...So she did and a she fell onto the floor stonedead!
Horrified the doctor picked up the headphones and listend

.." breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."



<>< F I S H ><>

 

[Frozen]

OK, here's aome gems from a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They are (apparently...) things people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Plenty more where these came from...

 

[frame runner]

Originally posted by BourgeoisBuffoon
I love all of these! Gotta tell 'em to others...and spread joy!
...or at least groans.

Another (DUMB!) dictionary joke:

...
GUY 1: Whatcha doing?
GUY 2: Looking up how to spell a certain word in the dictionary. It's hard, though!
GUY 1: (smacks head)
...

Punchline: How can you look up a word in the dictionary if you don't know how it's spelled?

uhhh.. actually, people do use the dictionary to find out the spelling of words. How else do you find out the spelling of words you don't know? They even sell spelling dictionaries, where are really noting more than a giant list of words

 

[Frozen]

Here's some more extracts from "Disorder in the Court":

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?