Breaking News: DC Countdown & House of M to Crossover

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Ed Liu

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Howdy,

Some late-breaking news from the Comics Internet:

Anybody who's been following the news knows that DC Countdown to Infinite Crisis and Marvel's House of M are the BIGGEST EVENTS to hit comic books ANYWHERE EVER, and that NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME after them. It has been revealed that these events are SO big that they will cross over into each other, in a 120-page special issue coming out in December 2005 called Marvel/DC House of Countdown to the Age of Infinite Mutant Crisis of Future Past #1, which will tie-in to every single comic book either company publishes, including DC's Vertigo and Wildstorm imprints and Marvel's Icon and Marvel Adventures lines. It will be written by Brian Michael Bendis, Mark Millar, Geoff Johns, Greg Rucka, Judd Winick, and Chuck Austen, with artwork by John Romita, Jr., Jim Lee, Alex Ross, and Rob Liefeld. It is promised that this will be an "easy jumping on point" for everybody, despite relying on several random events that even the fanboys have forgotten about and crossing over into every other comic book being published by either company. The big surprise twist at the end will be the deaths of the Captain Marvels of both companies at the hands of the Wasp and the Huntress because they're both secretly Evil, Evil Women who are both terribly bitter because they have never had children.

Geoff Johns will be creating Ultimate Manhunter for DC, which will reveal the up-to-now unrevealed connections between the "No Man Escapes the Manhunters" androids, the Paul Kirk ninja Manhunter, the current "I beat up the criminals I can't put away because I'm a rotten lawyer" Manhunter, the Golden Age Jack Kirby/Joe Simon Manhunter, J'onn J'onzz the Martian Manhunter, and Will Graham from the Michael Mann movie Manhunter. The current comics Manhunter will be raped because she's a woman and that's the only way to build character for women in comics these days. Rumor has it that the stated asexual nature of Martian shapeshifters may also mean J'onn will need to be raped as well.

There's rumors flying around about the first J. Michael Straczynski story arc for the Fantastic Four. The blind sculptress Alicia Masters will turn out to have had conjugal relations with Doctor Doom while she was dating Johnny Storm, and had his babies in Germany without anybody noticing. As a penalty for her Evil, Evil Womany Womanness, she's going to be raped, mind-wiped, killed, dismembered, and eventually found in the Fantastic Four's Fantastifreezer. In a guest arc by Brian Michael Bendis, the FF will also be replaced temporarily by "the top-tier Marvel heroes, because the Fantastic Four is truly Marvel's First Family, and they should therefore BE the top-tier Marvel heroes." The scheduled lineup will be Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, Spider-Man, and Wolverine. To placate longtime FF fans, Cage will be wearing Thing Feet.

Fresh from his legal victories over Neil Gaiman over Miracleman rights, Todd McFarlane is now claiming he owns the rights to Spider-Man since he drew Spider-Man for many years, and "everybody knows American copyright law clearly states that drawing a character grants you the rights to them in perpetuity." Anybody who asks what that means for all the artists who drew Spider-Man after him gets hit in the head with a ludicrously expensive baseball, after which Todd sticks his fingers in his ears and shouts, "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU I OWN SPIIIIIIIIDER-MAN LA LA LA!!!" The centerpiece of his contribution to the 10th Anniversary Image Comics Spawn story (currently scheduled for release in 2237) will be a Miracleman/Spider-Man fight.

That comic book that you like? The one that's really, really good, and hasn't involved a rape, a death, a really bad retcon, or a resurrection of someone who should have stayed dead? Yeah, it's cancelled. It's being replaced with a Batman book. Even if it's not from DC. Wolverine will be a recurring guest star. There will be a joke every other issue about how Wolverine is "spreading himself really thin these days, isn't he?"

DC is already planning next year's massive crossover event Infinite Crisis II -- The Phantom Crisis of Infinity which is sure to be the BIGGEST CROSSOVER EVENT EVER, changing EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW about DC's biggest heroes. NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!!! Rumored plot lines involve rapes and the shocking and totally unexpected but deeply moving deaths of a few second-string characters.

Meanwhile, Marvel is already planning next year's massive crossover event Super Secret Sacred Wars III -- Super Sacred Secret Wars ATTACK! which is sure to be the BIGGEST CROSSOVER EVENT EVER, changing EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW about Marvel's biggest heroes. NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!!! Rumored plot lines involve rapes and the shocking and totally unexpected but deeply moving deaths of a few second-string characters.

Remember -- you heard it here first, kids.

-- Ed
 

randomguy

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Even more breaking news!

According to Newsarama, Marvel/DC House of Countdown to the Age of Infinite Mutant Crisis of Future Past #1 will not only feature a House of M/Countdown to Infinite Crisis Marvel/DC crossover, but will in fact unite the two universes into one!

When reached for comment, Marvel EIC Joe Quesada had this to say: "For years now, we've been trying to get new readers into the market. We've copied manga, created the Ultimate line, copied manga, put Mark Millar on a romance book, copied manga, killed Hawkeye, taken the X-Men out of costumes, put the X-Men back in costumes, and copied manga, but haven't had any luck. Just what's keeping new audiences away from comics? Well, we've finally found the answer. Having two whole universes is just too confusing and intimidating to new readres! How can you possibly expect new fans to keep track?"

"That's right, Joe," says DC President Paul Levitz. "Think about it: a new reader can pick up Green Lantern and The Amazing Spider-Man, both of which take place in New York. Well, why don't these heroes run into each other? Who can blame them for being confused? Keeping track of two universes, and who goes where, it's all just too much, and it's keeping readers away. That's why, starting this winter, Marvel and DC will occupy one, cohesive universe!"

Marvel/DC House of Countdown to the Age of Infinite Mutant Crisis of Future Past #1 will not only feature the deaths of both Captain Marvels, but the debut of a new villain team, led by Wonder Woman and the Scarlet Witch, and made up primarily of the remnants of the former Justice League International. "Wonder Woman has been strong and capable for more than sixty years now," said scribe Judd Winnick. "Who in God's name could relate to that? But if she was sexually assaulted and suffered a nervous breakdown..."

The event will also play host to the destruction of the current Justice League and New Avengers, leading to the creation of Ultimate New New Justice Avengers in January, which will feature Wolverine, Batman, Spider-Man, and unlikely dark horse superhero and Bendis favorite The Human Bomb.

The united DC/Marvelverse, also known as Earth-$, will also combine the Vertigo and Wildstorm universes. Executive DC Editor Dan Didio, when reached for comment, noted that "A young kid in a comic shop might pick up an issue of Y: The Last Man, and really enjoy it. But what happens when he picks up a copy of Captain America? Well, all the men are alive! We're lucky if the poor kid doesn't set fire to the comic store and swear to only read Shonen Jump right then and there!"

Brian K. Vaughan could not be reached for comment.
 
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